Mixed message

Today it was the usual U-rap Monday. The gays in the LGBT get together to discuss a topic. But today we had a different event; we went to El Cholo restaurant in LA to have dinner. A lot of people showed up, well, for U-rap meetings it was a lot. There were about 15 people went.

There is one guy whom I have seen three times in the U-rap meeting already. Let's call him AP. He is from Istanbul, kinda cute. He could be hotter if he changes his hair haha. I didn't really talk to him all that much in the beginning because he was kinda quiet. But then today we sat together and started talking throughout the entire dinner. It was pretty fun. It was easy talking to him. After dinner, I proposed to go to Westwood for Hookah a bit and he came along. Just two of us. We sat down and ordered a hookah and some tea and started talking again. The usual stuff you know, how you like it here, what kind of guys do you like, how was his clubbing last weekend, the family issues, coming out etc. It turned out that he just came out very recently and he was pretty excited to just explore. He said he went to Tiger Heat and got extremely drunk and made out with lots guys and groped someone's penis. Sounds like alot of fun hehe. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him. He had girlfriends before, 5 of them actually and he had sex with them too. Even though he said he was 100% gay he was still able to have sex with them. I call that skill haha.

But anyways, toward the end, I decided to ask him out for dates. This was my first time doing this ever in my life. I have asked people for sex before but not for dates. I thought I would be really nervous and probably get rejected on the spot. It didn't matter regardless. I was too tired to have encounters and have sex with people whom I don't like or just not having sex at all. I wanted a boyfriend or a companionship you know people who have sex on occasions but are good friends too. So I really made up my mind. What is the worst could happen right? A big fucking "no". I won't die. Also since I just met him and if I ask him out now it wouldn't be weird at all. If he said no then we could just become friends no big deal.

So I dropped him off at his house near USC. Before he left, I made my move and surprisingly I wasn't nervous at all.

"Hey AP, it was great talking to you, I had a good time."

"Me too, it was great talking to you, too."

"Hey, I want to ask you something, hmm I feel a bit awkward but yeah."

"Yeah, you can ask me, sure."

"Would like to go out with me sometimes?"

"uh Sure, that would be nice."

"You know what I mean right? like a date."

"haha yeah I know."

"So yeah?"

"hahaha hmm, you know I just came out two weeks ago and I never had a relationship with a guy. I really don't know how this works."

"Me too, I never had a boyfriend or anything. But I would like start dating now instead of random hookups you know."

"Yeah I know, haha totally. I would like to go out with you, being friends, or something more than friends haha. But I sometimes hurt people like my girlfriends, not intentionally of course, hehe but I am kinda rough."

"I understand. This is the first time we actually hang out and since we both don't have much experience about the dating thing, I don't want to ask you when we become friends that would be awkward. So I just want to ask you now haha, if you don't want to, it is fine, we can be friends. But I just want to put it out there now you know. I think you are really cute."

"You are too. I just don't know if boyfriend is the right thing for me right now. hmmm hehe(awkward laugh), but yeah I would love to go out with you sometimes. I don't know, let me think about it, is that ok?"

"Sure yeah. I just really enjoyed talking to you."

"Me too, it was so easy talking to you I would really like to see you again."

The conversation went on a bit longer, mostly me being stupid lol. I kinda just wanted to ask him if he feels anything for me so I won't waste my time thinking about the impossibilities. But that would sound weird and desperate. So I didn't say that. Instead I just kept saying it is cool, don't worry about it and I feel so embarrassed etc. I can understand how he feels though, he is on the spot. He just came out and he probably wants to play around a lot for a while since he never had sex with a guy before. I think he was trying to be nice and not like asshole to shut me down. But then he mentioned about being more than friends and would like to go out too.

Beh, this is so awkward, but I guess everything has a first time. I came out about half year now. I should start doing this kind of stuff already. I am sure other people get rejected too! sigh. lol feel kinda liberated but sad at the same time. I know I named this post mixed message, but deep down I know it is a rejection. Oh well, he would be a good friend.