Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Wow, what a night. In my 10 years of American journey, I have yet called 911 for anything. Well I popped my 911 cherry Friday night.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now. I knew him back at school. We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much. Small world, he landed a job in my department. We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
This is beyond upsetting. I am actually stunned and confused as the bluest state California, with such a gay friendly environment and a large gay population, has passed this heinous bill. To add to the injury, gay rights related bills all suffered defeats throughout this country this Nov. 4th when we have broken all barriers to elect a minority President. This is an incredible defeat and has forged great obstacles that may take generations to overcome.
I could understand why the bigots are fanatic about this issue since their morality has been tainted by organized religion. But what I cannot understand is those who are not as religious voted for it or simply didn't vote. I am always amazed by how damaging early religious education can be. I have talked to so many people who are not religious yet they just think gay marriage is not right. When confronted, not only they cannot provide an answer that would satisfy their own conscious, but they also feebly try to avoid saying that because they were taught so by the very religion that they now despite. It is this kind of hypocricy and selective memories that I believe the gay rights movement should target as well. Is American as a people much more religiously rooted than we thought or is it a manifestation that religion activity has penetrated this country politics like never before. The Yes on Prop 8 people loved the turn out for Barack Obama because older black households are even more conservative which helped with their cause. It is incredibly sad to see this considering the history.
I am empathetic to those who have worked long and hard for this measure and other gay issues in general. But it is beyond my comprehension how frustrating and despairing it is for them. It is like after 8 years of Bush, we elect Rudy Guilliani for Presidency.
I like how Towleroad.com has cunningly pointed out that our beloved state, California has denied human rights to marry but passed the bills for farm animals to move around. See humans are always cruel toward each other. It sounds cynical but I think it is a genetic makeup in human to make sure that humans check its own population.
On the other hand, if anything, this election cycle has shown us that as long as there is hope, there will be change. I cannot help but to think about Harvey Milk and Barack Obama and just to remind myself we cannot give up because those who permeate prejudice and bigotry in our society have not given up.
It is frustrating nevertheless... I guess we have to keep fight and just wait. The battle would be somewhat easier once all these bigots from the baby boomer ages just DIE from their natural causes or accidents. It is a bit more comforting to know that when they do die, and with their last sliver of consciousness, they will suddenly realize that there is nothing beyond death. I guess nature would have the last laugh.
Quote from the notorious Margrette Cho,
"I wish Jesus can come back and just tell them, 'that is not what I meant!' "
Monday, November 03, 2008
I can't sleep again. It is 1130pm and my flight back to LA is at 6:00am.
I couldn't recall the logic of choosing such bad traveling schedule and now I feel particularly bad since S and his dad have decided to drive me to the airport. I would actually prefer to take a cab since I personally would hate it if I had to wake up @ 4am in the morning to send someone to the airport, even though it is only 20 minutes away. I guess everything in life deserves a bit more consideration then it's be less likely you may regret down the road.
Alegria was fun but I got burned out. Like I said in my last post, I only slept 2 hours after 8 hours of all night partying, so that tiny bit amount energy saved up could only last so long.
We got ready around 11:30pm because S's friend B said he could take us to a hotel to meet up his friends from Chicago first then we could all head out to the party together. However, while we were outside waiting, S got a call from B and was told that B has passed the exit by 10 miles. S said B had a lot of things on his mind so he was probably distracted. Since we were all ready, you know, dressed up, hair done, etc... we couldn't just go back home and sit there till 2 am, so S decided to visit his friend in the city first then we three can go to the party together. We did some chest workout till the cab arrived.
10 mins later we arrived at his friend H's place. H is a Japanese American who does his own furniture design business. He lives in this tiny studio which is worth a 3000 sq. ft. condo in a decent LA neighborhood. H is very calm and easy to talk to. I felt at ease chilling at his place. He was overwhelmed by one of his projects but was determined to finish it. So we waited till 2am and then headed to the party altogether. Meanwhile, I watched Law and Order and S was texting.
At this point, I already felt that my energy started to slowly slip away. But I was really excited to check out this party so I didn't care.
The venue was smaller and a little bit less crowded. Overall the party was pretty much exactly the same as the night before, and I have even saw some of the exact same people from the night before as well. Age group also didn't really change much. Actually I think I saw more older men there than Salem party. I don't know if it is because I have seen too much muscle so that I have become less aware of them, I also felt there were less muscular guys tonight as well. I started to dance with S and friends and later walked around here and there.
I don't know... it was still a thrill and rush to be there but I felt less engaged and there was no substance around to consume so I felt more sober than ever. The blaring music and trembling bass weren't enough to keep me going for that long...
Around 6 o'clock I was dead. As a matter of fact, I was so tired that I think I fell asleep with my eyes open. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar. You know when your brain is still conscious of movement but your cognitive function is already in a slumber.
S's friend B is completely wasted on drugs with his Chicago friends for hours and one of the guys in B's group has semi- OD'ed on something.
I have never felt completely at ease around B. I don't think he liked me for some reason. There was no chemistry for interaction or conversation whatsoever. Our greeting has always been as brief as a hi and bye. I told S about it just for the curiosity of it. But S said B has a lot of on his mind lately and that is why he wasn't making any effort. But still as you all know from your own experience, when you are around someone that you just don't get the good vibe, you are just generally more tense and annoyed.
So basically, I just stood upstairs staring down at the crowd after 6am. It was more of a people watching experience then. I couldn't take my eyes off one of the super tall and muscular guys downstairs. Every inch of the muscle fiber on him was so vibrant and robust that they seemed to be separate entities attached to his body. He couldn't stop moving, I mean why would he, it took years to build that marvel, he's got to show it to the world. He was making all these poses, consciously or subconsciously but every pose was beautiful and he looked powerful and masculine from every angle. For me, this is a big part of what being gay is about. It is the attraction and submission to that masculine superiority of physical form and symbolism of power associated with it. I thought to myself, how come I didn't notice him downstairs. He moved and moved and suddenly he looked up and I saw his face. I of course have noticed him downstairs, I thought he was really aged. To be fair I think he is probably in his late 30s or early 40s, which is not really old by all accounts in today's society for a man. I think they are usually really sexy. But for some reason, it is either the light or the drugs or simply late night physical strain, some of them, people in their late 30s and early 40s just look so old. They look so alert, so energized and yet so tired. It is an odd facial expression. It has a bit of that deers in the headlight feeling to it.
I didn't see too many people that are smoking hot. There were about 3-4 that were really memorable and of course I didn't get to dance or talk to any of them. I feel that people who I found extremely attractive are usually out of my league and the rest I just ignore. That is my verdict to the crowd and I don't know what that says about me.
At that point I just wanted to sleep. I think the hardest hour was from 8am to 840am. That 40 minutes felt like forever. I felt bad to pressure S to leave because he wasn't too tired and wanted to keep dancing. i don't think B wanted to leave either. In retrospective, I should have just take a cab. But then I think that would be rude to S too. But eventually, we walked out the club @ 9 am and I felt like a zombie under sunlight. I brought my sunglasses this time because the sunlight was so blinding yesterday when I walked out Salem party. However, I think it rained before we walked out, so there was no sun and it was a bit wet and cold, quite a somber scene. I soon fell asleep in the car...
I heard S say " he didn't sleep and he is tired. " My mind raced back to reality. Who didn't sleep, who is tired, that sounds like me, then I woke up and the car has parked in front of S's house already.
Showered, changed, and passed out for 8 hours. Then woke to eat and watched some TV. It now feels like a complete vacation.
Now it is 1230am and I will have to get up in 3 and half hours. Maybe I will just pull another all nighter then hehe.
Back to LA soon.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
I am at a friend's house in NY right now. It is 5:30pm and I have slept for about 2 and half hours since I came back here from my first circuit party @ 1pm. It was sponsored by Saint at Large and the name of the party was Salem. My friend S told me that this party tailors to a somewhat older crowd so I should expect to see some older guys and some muscle bears etc. It turned out to be exactly that but it wasn't overwhelming, many many hot guys to spare, though there were people who I thought were too old to be in a party like this. However, I guess that is the beauty of it, it is ageless, non-judgemental, and anything goes kinda fun times. Right now I am not really feeling tired. But my body knows better... I think I really should sleep more but I just can't.
I didn't know what to expect in a circuit party. Party as such has a lot of crazy rep. Not necessarily bad, though that also depends on how you define what is good and bad. I don't listen to House music and I am not keen on drugs, so I don't know if the this combination is fused as always in circuit parties or if I could just somehow enjoy the experience without taking substance.
Well, it just somehow worked out. I loved the music and I also took Ecstasy. Neither was overwhelming. It was probably louder than all the clubs I have been to, but very manageable and everyone was just dancing so it forged such a strong and welcoming environment that it was almost impossible that you don't enjoy it.
My friend and the host of my trip, S is someone who sincerely loves the music. He lives through the scene, engaged but not consumed. So the whole night he was dancing and checking out the guys but didn't really engage in any hook up activities. I wasn't sure if it was because the guys weren't his type, or because of my presence that he didn't feel like to leave me alone. His friend B started rolling on substances soon after we got there, and later I found out that he met a lot of his guys from the past in the party and it was a game of dodging and engaging for him the whole night. And then there was this really energetic Peruvian guy named A and he was a friend of S. He was really friendly. I danced with him quite a bit. Sometimes all over the places and sometimes quite up close body to body. It was all good fun, nothing too sexual. I like tall guys, and if he were 6'1" and above I wouldn't mind hooking up with him, but I think he is around 5'7", quite a difference. I enjoyed his company nevertheless. There was also this twinky white guy who I talked to in the bathroom. He wasn't a muscle god like half of the people there, but he was toned and lean and his buzzed army style haircut on top of that twink built was pretty attractive. We talked for a little bit and his hands were really friendly. He also tried to get in the stall while I was peeing. I am pretty sure it wasn't for hardcore sex haha. But it would be hot and I wouldn't mind. I later ran into him several times, and he would always grab me and say hi. I was pretty into the whole scene, partially because of the environment, partially because of the nakedness, and partially because of the Ecstasy I took 2 hours prior. I was really engaged and kinda horny. I really wanted to do something with him, but whenever he approaches, I really wouldn't know how to let that out lol.. I don't know, I didn't want to sound desperate or anything. When he grabbed my lower waist and gently massaged it and said he was looking for entertainment, I really didn't know if he wanted a warm body or more Ecstasy. I saw him one last time around 10 am'ish. The ecstasy helped but I barely felt it, maybe I should increase the dosage tonight lol. Dropping the pills wasn't as dramatic as one might imagine it to be. It was quite casual and pretty just that, recreational. Since I am on a trip, I would want to try it all.
This party gave me a sense of urgency to work out more lol... Let me just say that the whole place felt like a meat market the whole time. Lots lots prime ribs with definitions that would take years to forge. It is so fucking hot to see a muscle god dances his mind off. However, on the other hand, I also saw this very skinny and saggy old man who is probably in his late 50s or early 60s with a nothing on but a mask and a jock strap on. He just walked around and around aimlessly. S and I both noticed him when we were resting on a bench. S just shrugged off. But I just couldn't stop thinking what he was looking for? Trying to get really lucky or just a stubborn old scene queen that has already died inside and left this walking outer shell in this place to reflect upon his formal glorious self? I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. But what do I know, maybe he is a happy man and he just wants to have fun god damn it. I guess no matter what it is, the drug, the hot hookups, the music, people just want to have fun. I like this, and I like it a lot. I can feel the pulse of a city strong and alive. The city was a living being at that moment. I think I can get used to this in the future, and hopefully I will be able to come back here for more fun in the near future.
It felt a bit surreal when I came out of the club, the sun was bright in the sky and people were already well on their ways to live their weekends. You see families taking their kids to brunch, people running to Sunday school, and people who are just running around in the city. I suddenly felt as if reality dissolved and time has stopped and gone to another dimension for the past 8 hours and now I just came back again. S said that he can always hear the music in his head after partying. I can't physically hear that inner sound but my mind kept repeating that beat and I love it.
Back to the house, after an extremely satisfying hot shower, I was in bed ready to sleep. S and his sister were in the room for a bit chitchat. S said tomorrow would my last day of gay events and I should really hook up.
I don't know. I really want to have a crazy sexual experience like an orgy or something, but then I don't want to hook up. Because if I go to a party with the presumption of getting laid, then that would be the only thing on my mind, and if I don't get what I want, it is always a let down. I would rather to let it happen naturally. I lack of some self confidence and at the same time have a lot of pride, so I wouldn't want to approach someone so boldly because I am afraid to get rejected in the face. I know it is silly since I would never see any of these people again, but still I wouldn't want to apply that pressure on myself. Like this older gay who told me that flirting is a sport and you have to practice to get good at it. I guess I need to learn to how deal with pain first... maybe the best way is to get hurt ha.
Anyways, I am going to another circuit party called "Alegria" tonight. It means happiness in Spanish according to S. I am really excited and I think it would be another night of fun times. Oh yeah supposedly that this party is tailored to a younger crowd. We will find out then!
Ciao for now.