Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The sweetest thing

Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.


I think I am bipolar, just a little bit.  That is why I am always trying not to be too happy because I feel as if at the peak of happiness, I would simply crash and burn into an emotional abyss.  Today is one of those days.  

Lately I have been extremely unsatisfied with my job.  It is not where I want my career to be.  I am yet swarmed by the mundane things everyday.  I have been doing what the senior analyst does most of the time with the junior analyst pay.  In the beginning I was excited because I could see things from a different perspective and I could sense that I might learn much more and have a better idea of what this business is all about.  I thought I would finally get something really valuable out of it.  It was a new start.  However, after one quarter of doing it, I realized that nothing has really changed.  I am more of a mess cleaner.  Instead of doing the work from scratch, I am just cleaning up the mess that bunch new hires are making.  I can tell some of them just don't give a shit as well, they probably hate the job, so the their work is always like diarrhea in a toilet bowl.  No matter how hard I try, I am bound to miss a shit spot.  I asked my manager to help with another group that involves a totally different aspect of the business and yet he continues to give those work to the newer hires since we are short on the review process.  So now they just shit all over in that group too.  People in that group always complains to me how badly the work quality is.  But what can we do, the entire environment doesn't promote competition and doesn't reward competition fairly anyway. 

I don't know I am just very confused about what is about to happen.  

In addition, stock market has taken another nose dive.  I never thought the big 3 auto maker would have made such a dent on my investment.  But stupid me right?  Who knew these CEOs would take their extremely luxurious private jet to Washington D.C. and then beg for money.  Now whose fault is this.  It is a mess that has become a vicious circle which will not be defeated unless you implement policy that would be equivalent to a bone marrow transplant procedure to the entire auto industry in the U.S.  

Then we had a 2 hours training in the afternoon.  I actually liked the training because it was meaningful and interesting.  I felt my brain was breaking the rust during the training process.  I felt a bit more alive.   But the AC was extremely cold and my ice coffee just made me feel like I was getting sick.  I did feel awful toward the end of the day.  

However, I was determined to workout today.  So it went, a grueling leg workout that put me in a complete physical shock.  During my leg workout, I felt pain on my ring finger.  This finger is a bad finger.  When I was 9, a friend of mom's accidentally discovered that I had a lump on that finger.  So we checked it and it was said to be a bone cluster, nothing big, but we should keep an eye on it in case it becomes a tumor and turn into cancer.  Thinking back, I probably should have taken their conclusion with grain of salt since those doctors in my hometown, especially back in the days, were mostly idiots.  They would do anything to get patients to have a surgery so they could get a lot of profit out of it.  However, as cynical as I am, this finger has been perpetually haunting me since then.  I always felt that it would turn into cancer (I have bad luck with disease, I actually have a pretty bad one right now, I meant to write about it but always pushed it off).  So today after the pain on that finger, I touched it.  The lump was clearly bigger and the position of it was in the middle section of the finger.   It felt so big.  Of course I immediately had a cancer scare.  But I kept going with my routine and felt dead afterward. 

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend after the gym but she bailed on me.  So I went home feeling really sad, worried and alone.  Considering I was laughing my ass off during lunch, what a huge difference it has been in 5 hours!  

Then I saw the video.  It made me cry.  I couldn't control my tears.  I wasn't hysterical or sad.  I just felt touched.  It was like a warm hearty soup in a cold winter night.  It made me feel like today was Christmas.  I felt that people still do care.  I cried for a bit, then felt much better. 

I think I will call the USC cancer center tomorrow.  I already have a patient card from there - two years ago I went in to check my balls for cancer because I felt a couple of lumps on it.  I think the ball checking was legit but no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, I will check my finger.  Oh yeah I will have to schedule a HIV test as well.  I let a guy slide his giant cock in my ass for like 5 seconds in my gym, stupid indeed.  Wouldn't this be the saddest way to get infected?  It wasn't even full on sex. 

God wtf is going on. 

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Shop till I drop lol

Well due to the current economic crisis, I felt the need to support our economy at this grassroot level, so I went shopping.  Well... it was more like impulse shopping that in turn supported our economy.  It is my biggest one day purchase so far and I am not regretting it!

I bought a pair of Rock and Republic jeans, perfect fit!

A John Varvato fit polo, it was also a perfect fit, unfortunately, I cannot find a picture to post =/.  But the polo is very thin, and it uses fine material.  It is a combination of wool and cotton and I had to be really careful when I tried it on because the make of the shirt was so thin that I felt I could break it anytime. 

A Mango v-neck Tee.  This one was the cheapest item.  It is a simple purple v-neck tee with a "HE HE" in a thought bubble near my chest area.  The "HE HE" print is pretty unique.  One of the HE stacks on top of another, so it could be read as "hehe" like a light laugh, or in my own dirty mind refers to that I AM FUCKING GAY WITH A PURPLE TEE on.  I think that is pretty hot. Especially they do not align perfectly vertically, so it is like two HE are having doggie sex.  Ok I think I am just a bit crazy on the sexual imagination part...

Shamefully, I don't even remember what my 4th item is.  I mean it is really not my fault because I don't even have the shirt with me yet.  I think it was a Juicy Coutour deep vneck T.  It is not just a plain V neck.  The V shaped opening is very narrow with visible buttons on the side so it is pretty stylish. It is thin, comfortable and fit.  And the best part is that I could pre-purchase this for a Bloomingdale 7 days "friends and family" sale for a 20% discount!  So I am gonna go pick it up this Saturday ha ha.

Finally, my joy and love and totally unplanned purchase (not like other 4 were planned but this one is way out of the ballpark), was a Burberry double breast pea coat.  I bled 1.5k for it XD. It is 43% wool and 57% cotton.  It is pure black and at size 38 it is like tailored just for me.  I tried it on several times and completely fell in love with it.  My decision of buying the coat made the sales lady having an sale orgasm.  She kept selling it to me while I was paying saying what a fantastic purchase it was etc etc. I mean I already paying for it, so the extra compliment just felt a bit forced.  But she was nice since the very beginning, no attitude, no prejudice so I just thought it was cute of her doing that.  She was definitely more responsive to all my other demands as well loool.  On the contrary, my friend and I had a horrible time in the Gucci store and sadly the only salesperson who gave us the cold shoulder was this fugly Asian lady.  God Asians against Asians, what is new?  As soon as my friend asked when there would be a sale, she turned her plastic smile into an even faker smile that I didn't think was achievable by human beings and then left us unattended almost immediately.  I mean bitch please, if I were a Dlist celebrity you would probably be on your knees right now.  The economy is bad and even the stars are scaling back.  You should be happy that you are still working there.  I should totally have complained to the manager.  I mean we did complain and realized we complained to the wrong audience - another salesperson can't do too much to another salesperson lol... but after complaining we lost our steam so we just left... ANYWAYS... wow talking about off topic...

I couldn't find the model of the coat on either.  Not sure it is one of their older designs or just aren't sold online.  So I took a picture of myself wearing it in the bathroom XD... I am loving it, what do you think? 

It is going to be 95 degrees this weekend.  At this rate I can probably utilize it twice this winter yipppy....


It was such a long shopping day, we walked around for more than 4 hours.  I have to say though, it was really fun, not only because I bought some good stuff but also because my cousin, my friend and I had a good time just talking and relaxing at the South Coast Plaza.  They already have a Christmas tree up!  This picture is taken on the second floor, you see how tall that thing is?  Isn't it pretty!

Then my friend (above) and I later met up with some of her gay friends who came from New York at the Abbeys.  Then met up with one of her gay coworker who is pretty cute at Heat Lounge or something like that.  It got too crowded and hot so we left there and went to Here Bar and danced our ass off.  It was so much fun but we were way too spent.  I mean shopping then straight out and drinking and partying was a bit much for one day. 

Ah... I am tired now... need to go sleep now.  Study shows that sleeping helps with weight loss.  

Sunday, November 09, 2008

My cousin has fainted

Wow, what a night.  In my 10 years of American journey, I have yet called 911 for anything.  Well I popped my 911 cherry Friday night.

My cousin and I have been going to this Hookah Cafe in Pasadena every week for the past 2 months.  We always go there for some tea and food, and catch up.  She enjoys it and I enjoy it and the conversation has always been so relaxed while we are smoking.  I have always commented on her ability to smoke for such a long time.  

But I guess good quality charcoal and hookah weren't such a good mix.  Since the charcoal doesn't burn too much and doesn't produce too much ashes, the tobacco doesn't really burn out either.  So we can usually smoke it as much as we want.  We probably shouldn't have because toward the end the flavor and substance are already burned out...  But we kept puffing and the carbon-dioxide has increased in a dangerous level toward the end.  

I mean Hookah always relaxes people and sometimes people do feel light headed, so when she said she was getting dizzy she was just simply refer to that.  She didn't complain, rather she was just laughing and mentioned it.  

The dramatic scene started as soon as we stood up.  She said she was really dizzy and grabbed on to my arms.  We were both laughing and I said she was weak.  But then she wasn't making any attempt to move.  Instead her eyes started to wander around without a focus.  I was getting a bit nervous.  I told her to look at me and try not to lose her focus on me, and at the same time take deep breath to get in the oxygen.  She tried but it didn't seem to improve the situation.  She started to shiver a bit and held on to me even tighter.  I felt that she leaned on me more by the minute, then suddenly she started to slip.  

I dragged her to a bench nearby because apparently her slipping wasn't going to stop.  We missed the bench by half of the step and she went completely limp half way on the bench.  I called for help and started to dial 911 myself as well.  Half of the people from the cafe walked out and one of the lady said we needed to do some mouth to mouth.  So I started to breath into her.  At that point, I didn't know how serious this could be, I truly believed that this wasn't going to be life threatening but at the same time my mind is screaming to me "omfg you got your cousin killed within 2 months!"

But as soon as I breathed into her, I could feel that she exhaled deeply.  It wasn't the limp expulsion from someone who is already in a state of shock.  Rather, it had a bit of her own effort.  She apparently had trouble to have a more normal breathing pattern but it was easier for her to exhale.  Every time I breathed into her, she made that deep exhale, as if to signal me that it was ok.  Operative was on the line with me but I was pretty sure she was ok now and I told the officer that it was ok now. 

People brought sugar water and they were all surrounding us and encouraging me.  All of sudden, like a scene from the Pushing Daisy promotional TV ad, she just had a gigantic inhale and stood up straight.  She could talk and respond as if nothing happened.  Phased by the experience, but fully aware of the situation, she calmed and everyone down by telling them that she was completely ok.  The waitress asked us if we smoked anything before this and we told them no.  Anther waiter told us that he already called 911 as they were required to do so.  So we had to sit there for the paramedics to get here.  About 1 minute later we could hear the blaring siren.  One paramedic truck and one fire truck stopped near the cafe and 7 guys jumped out.  They asked us some simple questions and tested her blood pressure.  Once they were confident that everything was ok, they just left.  

Everything happened so fast and ended even faster that once we both sat in the car, we were both feeling like we just came back from the twilight zone.  Did that really just happen to us?  How dramatic!

Well... we came to the conclusion that next time we should just stay there for 1 hour instead of the 2.5 hours as usual. 

Thursday, November 06, 2008

A Yes Voter @ Work

There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now.  I knew him back at school.  We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much.  Small world, he landed a job in my department.  We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese. 

From conversation to conversation, I can sense a little bit of that juvenile verbal gay bash, such as oh that is so gay, etc.  It is to my dismay, but I am not going to make a big fuzz about it.  However, if he uses faggot, I would probably sulk him.  Ok maybe not that violent but something close. 

We had our discussion regarding Prop 8. on Thursday last week.  The topic came up rather randomly.  We were just talking about random things at lunch.  I mean I actually subconsciously avoided this subject because I really liked this guy as a friend at work.  He is down to earth, very goofy, and have similar sense of humor.  He is also traditional and not crazy on the party scenes.  (I know it is weird, despite what I do on my own, I always find people who don't party much very attractive).  I enjoyed the company.  So I know if I asked, the answer would be disappointing.  However, it is definitely beyond my power to control his actions.  

As our conversation went on, out of no where, he said, 

"I am gonna vote yes on prop 8."

My heart sank a bit.  I mean I already expect this, but to see a person exercise discrimination in front of me, against me unknowingly, is quite unexpectedly disturbing.  I felt so wronged.  What have I done to you?  But I held my cool and asked him why.

He listed about 2 things that were prominent Yes on Prop 8 talking point.  One it is against tradition - why did tradition become synonymous with bigotry anyway,  two he doesn't want the schools to be forced to teach about homosexuality. 

From there I didn't really let him talk too much.  Instead I started to ask him a series of questions regarding where these feelings and opinions came from, and what were his reasonings to believe such false advertisement.  He couldn't give me any solid answers.  He often muddled I don't know in his goofy ways.  However, his goofy ways were just that, very goofy and stupid, not cute at all.  

I told him that marriage, in English, the word has a strong sense religion is because how the western countries adopted Christianity and associated this union closely with their religion despite the fact that the religion itself is a very young belief in regard to human history.  However, marriage itself is an institution between two people, and it has nothing to do with religion.  There are billions of people in the world and they all get married in one way or another.  They choose to form that institution as they wish and it is no one else's business to tell them what they can or cannot do.  Even more so, to define one's marriage as valid or invalid based on one young religious belief. 

As the education scam, I told him that schools were independent regarding education on marriages, straight or gay.  It is the teachers' limited discretion and parents have plenty influence, so that talking point from Yes on 8 is just a political gimmick to distract voters.  They school weren't required to educate the students in this matter, and why would you want to prevent this if it is not going to happen in the future.  

He later then said something that made me very mad, which was gays want to get married for tax benefit.  I lost it a bit and started to almost scream a little.  But I was trying to make a sound argument so the screaming was definitely gonna belittle my effort, so I tried once again to keep my cool.  I told him that in America alone, there would be roughly 30+ million gays, lesbian, and transgender.  In China alone, there would be enough gays to trump entire American population.  Yet these people would just want to get married for some petty tax benefit.  In case you didn't know, the second class marriage license, the civil union already promised almost all the rights.  Why do these people still try so hard to just get that benefit?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe that people probably want to get married because they love each other? 

I also told him that the professor he worshipped back at USC, the philosophy teacher Dr. Willard taught us a lot about critical thinking.  The key to every issue is to think from different angles and to think for yourself.  I asked him why does he still keep such an unfound fear and discriminative approach to this issue.  There was no answer.

I said that how he often tells me that his dad came here 40 years ago with a few bucks on him and now he is a rocket scientist working for NASA.  I said that this is why he came to America because there is dream opportunity and most importantly equality, or at least the hope to be treated equally.  He had his chance and because of what this country is founded on, and how this country was founded, he was a success.  He probably could never have done the same in another country on earth during his years.  Now he is wealthy and have you in the country and I am pretty sure that was the sole reason for him to move here with just a few bucks on him, because he wanted his next generation to have a better start.  Now you have every opportunity that he didn't have, with such expensive education, all you could think of in this election full of change and hope, is to discriminate against another group of minority when yourself is a member of a group of minority?  He didn't say anything

I felt that he was at least thinking and I wish he would do the right thing on Nov. 4th.


Today I asked him how he voted and he said he voted yes.  The following text message took place, and the such horrid and yet deep discrimination from this young 22 year old man was shocking to me.  He was once educated side by side with me, he is living in California, the bluest state, and he has access to information, yet he refuses to see it all and held on to the talking points from the bigots and established his argument on fear. 

Me, (thanks to iphone for the essay length capability of texting)

"I seriously do't know WTF is wrong with you, the self righteous people. I don't know when it has become ok that you can tell others what they could do with their lives.  You often mention how your race was massacred by the Turks, then you should know about oppression, your dad is an immigrant, ask him, he knows discrimination, and now you think you have the position to discriminate against others it is beyond me.  Thanks for taking my rights away, I hope you are really happy now that we are second class citizen like how the blacks were decades ago.  Oh yeah I am sooo disappointed by my tax disadvantage now, after all that is why we try to get married for. You douchebag."

He later came by my desk.  It was awkward, and he was nervous.  He said,

"oh man, someone is bitter huh hehe hehe..."

I was texting to JD, (you know who you are when u read this!), and I slowly looked up, said,

"You know what, I really have nothing to say to you at this point, I really don't want to talk to you anymore.  Thanks for taking the rights away."

"Oh com'on! it is no big deal."

That just also knocked me out,

"What did you say? no big deal? after you become part of this shit, you have the nerve to come here and tell me I am over sensitive and it is no big deal?

"come on, it is ok."

He just stood there not leaving and I tried to finish the text and I couldn't.

"I cannot believe how you worship that philosophy teacher and talk about him all the time, yet you learned nothing from him."

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting,

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting.

"tell me what teacher~~"

He was doing that thing when a 10 year old did something bad, you know rocking side by side, and I looked up his face is blaring red. 

"That Willard guy, you know what, forget, I really have nothing to say to you, can you just go I probably talk to you later, I want to finish my text."

"Just like that."

"Just like that."

He walked away.


I cooled down and thought about it, maybe he didn't realize that I was gay? Is that why he said it is no big deal?  I honestly could have just stopped there, but I feel it is everyone's obligation to make this issue seen.  Silence = Death. 

I texted the following,

"I hope you read what I wrote carefully, then you would notice that I am passionate and serous about this is because I am gay. It is not my choice, I won't apologize about who I am and I demand every god damn right that this country has promised.  It is my right as simple as that, that is all."

He later texted me something that is TRULY a PIECE OF WORK.  It was disturbing and I was SO disappointed in this guy.  He had that innocent juvenile charm, and I thought he was clueless.  I mean you can be only so angry at someone who is stupid right?  But instead, he apparently qualifies to work on Yes on 8 campaign. 

"I have no say in gay marriage, I believe everyone is free to marry anyone. this measure went beyond that into educational institutions. I oppose that.  Children should not be naively swayed away from an opportunity marry and reproduce as the human race is intended to.  This measure is not about discrimination.  I oppose any discriminatory idea. Gays have every right as non gays. When this gay marriage enters school teaching, it practically discriminate non gays and the purpose of the human race as a whole."

So I was flaming, and texted something fast and later when I read it was a bit incoherent toward the end. 

"And that is exactly what didn't happen in the schools. The only way they can make it pass is to lie about it.  Public school board and school superintended had denounced prop 8 because school is never required to teach anything about gay or straight marriage. Catholic and Christians have historically been against abortion and sex education, and ye they are proven to be healthy and beneficial to the society as a whole.  More importantly you apparently didn't read the prop and still use their talking point.  Before prop8 there was no measure to force any education regarding homosexuality, now they made the measure to prevent this; but their true intent as evident as the yes on prop 8 leaders have reiterated over and over is that they have to protect traditional marriage.  It is a REVISION of our constitution to specifically say marriage is between one man and one woman, thus no gays can get married, EVER. I like how they throw in some fake political cloud and all of sudden people will just fall for it.  And further, homosexuality is not fucking taught, I grew up in a hetero environment, teaching about something natural, i don't see how that is so threatening.  It is so sad to see people are so ignorant.  Ironic that decades ago black veterans would be refused by white cab drivers when they come back from war and deemed acceptable, decades later, bigots just replaced one minority with another to bully with.  Are we really changing or just recycling hate?"

No more texts after that.  I saw him two more times and gave him the dirtiest look I think I could achieve.  

I really liked him, but who knew, humans can be so divided over something that was supposed to be a non issue. 

Please go to to ask our governed to reopen prop 8

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Gay rights movement backtracked

This is beyond upsetting. I am actually stunned and confused as the bluest state California, with such a gay friendly environment and a large gay population, has passed this heinous bill. To add to the injury, gay rights related bills all suffered defeats throughout this country this Nov. 4th when we have broken all barriers to elect a minority President. This is an incredible defeat and has forged great obstacles that may take generations to overcome.

I could understand why the bigots are fanatic about this issue since their morality has been tainted by organized religion. But what I cannot understand is those who are not as religious voted for it or simply didn't vote. I am always amazed by how damaging early religious education can be. I have talked to so many people who are not religious yet they just think gay marriage is not right. When confronted, not only they cannot provide an answer that would satisfy their own conscious, but they also feebly try to avoid saying that because they were taught so by the very religion that they now despite. It is this kind of hypocricy and selective memories that I believe the gay rights movement should target as well. Is American as a people much more religiously rooted than we thought or is it a manifestation that religion activity has penetrated this country politics like never before. The Yes on Prop 8 people loved the turn out for Barack Obama because older black households are even more conservative which helped with their cause. It is incredibly sad to see this considering the history.

I am empathetic to those who have worked long and hard for this measure and other gay issues in general. But it is beyond my comprehension how frustrating and despairing it is for them. It is like after 8 years of Bush, we elect Rudy Guilliani for Presidency.

I like how has cunningly pointed out that our beloved state, California has denied human rights to marry but passed the bills for farm animals to move around. See humans are always cruel toward each other. It sounds cynical but I think it is a genetic makeup in human to make sure that humans check its own population.

On the other hand, if anything, this election cycle has shown us that as long as there is hope, there will be change. I cannot help but to think about Harvey Milk and Barack Obama and just to remind myself we cannot give up because those who permeate prejudice and bigotry in our society have not given up.

It is frustrating nevertheless... I guess we have to keep fight and just wait. The battle would be somewhat easier once all these bigots from the baby boomer ages just DIE from their natural causes or accidents. It is a bit more comforting to know that when they do die, and with their last sliver of consciousness, they will suddenly realize that there is nothing beyond death. I guess nature would have the last laugh.

Quote from the notorious Margrette Cho,

"I wish Jesus can come back and just tell them, 'that is not what I meant!' "

Monday, November 03, 2008

Last day in New York

I can't sleep again. It is 1130pm and my flight back to LA is at 6:00am.

I couldn't recall the logic of choosing such bad traveling schedule and now I feel particularly bad since S and his dad have decided to drive me to the airport. I would actually prefer to take a cab since I personally would hate it if I had to wake up @ 4am in the morning to send someone to the airport, even though it is only 20 minutes away. I guess everything in life deserves a bit more consideration then it's be less likely you may regret down the road.

Alegria was fun but I got burned out. Like I said in my last post, I only slept 2 hours after 8 hours of all night partying, so that tiny bit amount energy saved up could only last so long.

We got ready around 11:30pm because S's friend B said he could take us to a hotel to meet up his friends from Chicago first then we could all head out to the party together. However, while we were outside waiting, S got a call from B and was told that B has passed the exit by 10 miles. S said B had a lot of things on his mind so he was probably distracted. Since we were all ready, you know, dressed up, hair done, etc... we couldn't just go back home and sit there till 2 am, so S decided to visit his friend in the city first then we three can go to the party together. We did some chest workout till the cab arrived.

10 mins later we arrived at his friend H's place. H is a Japanese American who does his own furniture design business. He lives in this tiny studio which is worth a 3000 sq. ft. condo in a decent LA neighborhood. H is very calm and easy to talk to. I felt at ease chilling at his place. He was overwhelmed by one of his projects but was determined to finish it. So we waited till 2am and then headed to the party altogether. Meanwhile, I watched Law and Order and S was texting.

At this point, I already felt that my energy started to slowly slip away. But I was really excited to check out this party so I didn't care.

The venue was smaller and a little bit less crowded. Overall the party was pretty much exactly the same as the night before, and I have even saw some of the exact same people from the night before as well. Age group also didn't really change much. Actually I think I saw more older men there than Salem party. I don't know if it is because I have seen too much muscle so that I have become less aware of them, I also felt there were less muscular guys tonight as well. I started to dance with S and friends and later walked around here and there.

I don't know... it was still a thrill and rush to be there but I felt less engaged and there was no substance around to consume so I felt more sober than ever. The blaring music and trembling bass weren't enough to keep me going for that long...

Around 6 o'clock I was dead. As a matter of fact, I was so tired that I think I fell asleep with my eyes open. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar. You know when your brain is still conscious of movement but your cognitive function is already in a slumber.

S's friend B is completely wasted on drugs with his Chicago friends for hours and one of the guys in B's group has semi- OD'ed on something.

I have never felt completely at ease around B. I don't think he liked me for some reason. There was no chemistry for interaction or conversation whatsoever. Our greeting has always been as brief as a hi and bye. I told S about it just for the curiosity of it. But S said B has a lot of on his mind lately and that is why he wasn't making any effort. But still as you all know from your own experience, when you are around someone that you just don't get the good vibe, you are just generally more tense and annoyed.

So basically, I just stood upstairs staring down at the crowd after 6am. It was more of a people watching experience then. I couldn't take my eyes off one of the super tall and muscular guys downstairs. Every inch of the muscle fiber on him was so vibrant and robust that they seemed to be separate entities attached to his body. He couldn't stop moving, I mean why would he, it took years to build that marvel, he's got to show it to the world. He was making all these poses, consciously or subconsciously but every pose was beautiful and he looked powerful and masculine from every angle. For me, this is a big part of what being gay is about. It is the attraction and submission to that masculine superiority of physical form and symbolism of power associated with it. I thought to myself, how come I didn't notice him downstairs. He moved and moved and suddenly he looked up and I saw his face. I of course have noticed him downstairs, I thought he was really aged. To be fair I think he is probably in his late 30s or early 40s, which is not really old by all accounts in today's society for a man. I think they are usually really sexy. But for some reason, it is either the light or the drugs or simply late night physical strain, some of them, people in their late 30s and early 40s just look so old. They look so alert, so energized and yet so tired. It is an odd facial expression. It has a bit of that deers in the headlight feeling to it.

I didn't see too many people that are smoking hot. There were about 3-4 that were really memorable and of course I didn't get to dance or talk to any of them. I feel that people who I found extremely attractive are usually out of my league and the rest I just ignore. That is my verdict to the crowd and I don't know what that says about me.

At that point I just wanted to sleep. I think the hardest hour was from 8am to 840am. That 40 minutes felt like forever. I felt bad to pressure S to leave because he wasn't too tired and wanted to keep dancing. i don't think B wanted to leave either. In retrospective, I should have just take a cab. But then I think that would be rude to S too. But eventually, we walked out the club @ 9 am and I felt like a zombie under sunlight. I brought my sunglasses this time because the sunlight was so blinding yesterday when I walked out Salem party. However, I think it rained before we walked out, so there was no sun and it was a bit wet and cold, quite a somber scene. I soon fell asleep in the car...

I heard S say " he didn't sleep and he is tired. " My mind raced back to reality. Who didn't sleep, who is tired, that sounds like me, then I woke up and the car has parked in front of S's house already.

Showered, changed, and passed out for 8 hours. Then woke to eat and watched some TV. It now feels like a complete vacation.

Now it is 1230am and I will have to get up in 3 and half hours. Maybe I will just pull another all nighter then hehe.

Back to LA soon.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

new york circuit party

I am at a friend's house in NY right now. It is 5:30pm and I have slept for about 2 and half hours since I came back here from my first circuit party @ 1pm. It was sponsored by Saint at Large and the name of the party was Salem. My friend S told me that this party tailors to a somewhat older crowd so I should expect to see some older guys and some muscle bears etc. It turned out to be exactly that but it wasn't overwhelming, many many hot guys to spare, though there were people who I thought were too old to be in a party like this. However, I guess that is the beauty of it, it is ageless, non-judgemental, and anything goes kinda fun times. Right now I am not really feeling tired. But my body knows better... I think I really should sleep more but I just can't.

I didn't know what to expect in a circuit party. Party as such has a lot of crazy rep. Not necessarily bad, though that also depends on how you define what is good and bad. I don't listen to House music and I am not keen on drugs, so I don't know if the this combination is fused as always in circuit parties or if I could just somehow enjoy the experience without taking substance.

Well, it just somehow worked out. I loved the music and I also took Ecstasy. Neither was overwhelming. It was probably louder than all the clubs I have been to, but very manageable and everyone was just dancing so it forged such a strong and welcoming environment that it was almost impossible that you don't enjoy it.

My friend and the host of my trip, S is someone who sincerely loves the music. He lives through the scene, engaged but not consumed. So the whole night he was dancing and checking out the guys but didn't really engage in any hook up activities. I wasn't sure if it was because the guys weren't his type, or because of my presence that he didn't feel like to leave me alone. His friend B started rolling on substances soon after we got there, and later I found out that he met a lot of his guys from the past in the party and it was a game of dodging and engaging for him the whole night. And then there was this really energetic Peruvian guy named A and he was a friend of S. He was really friendly. I danced with him quite a bit. Sometimes all over the places and sometimes quite up close body to body. It was all good fun, nothing too sexual. I like tall guys, and if he were 6'1" and above I wouldn't mind hooking up with him, but I think he is around 5'7", quite a difference. I enjoyed his company nevertheless. There was also this twinky white guy who I talked to in the bathroom. He wasn't a muscle god like half of the people there, but he was toned and lean and his buzzed army style haircut on top of that twink built was pretty attractive. We talked for a little bit and his hands were really friendly. He also tried to get in the stall while I was peeing. I am pretty sure it wasn't for hardcore sex haha. But it would be hot and I wouldn't mind. I later ran into him several times, and he would always grab me and say hi. I was pretty into the whole scene, partially because of the environment, partially because of the nakedness, and partially because of the Ecstasy I took 2 hours prior. I was really engaged and kinda horny. I really wanted to do something with him, but whenever he approaches, I really wouldn't know how to let that out lol.. I don't know, I didn't want to sound desperate or anything. When he grabbed my lower waist and gently massaged it and said he was looking for entertainment, I really didn't know if he wanted a warm body or more Ecstasy. I saw him one last time around 10 am'ish. The ecstasy helped but I barely felt it, maybe I should increase the dosage tonight lol. Dropping the pills wasn't as dramatic as one might imagine it to be. It was quite casual and pretty just that, recreational. Since I am on a trip, I would want to try it all.

This party gave me a sense of urgency to work out more lol... Let me just say that the whole place felt like a meat market the whole time. Lots lots prime ribs with definitions that would take years to forge. It is so fucking hot to see a muscle god dances his mind off. However, on the other hand, I also saw this very skinny and saggy old man who is probably in his late 50s or early 60s with a nothing on but a mask and a jock strap on. He just walked around and around aimlessly. S and I both noticed him when we were resting on a bench. S just shrugged off. But I just couldn't stop thinking what he was looking for? Trying to get really lucky or just a stubborn old scene queen that has already died inside and left this walking outer shell in this place to reflect upon his formal glorious self? I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. But what do I know, maybe he is a happy man and he just wants to have fun god damn it. I guess no matter what it is, the drug, the hot hookups, the music, people just want to have fun. I like this, and I like it a lot. I can feel the pulse of a city strong and alive. The city was a living being at that moment. I think I can get used to this in the future, and hopefully I will be able to come back here for more fun in the near future.

It felt a bit surreal when I came out of the club, the sun was bright in the sky and people were already well on their ways to live their weekends. You see families taking their kids to brunch, people running to Sunday school, and people who are just running around in the city. I suddenly felt as if reality dissolved and time has stopped and gone to another dimension for the past 8 hours and now I just came back again. S said that he can always hear the music in his head after partying. I can't physically hear that inner sound but my mind kept repeating that beat and I love it.

Back to the house, after an extremely satisfying hot shower, I was in bed ready to sleep. S and his sister were in the room for a bit chitchat. S said tomorrow would my last day of gay events and I should really hook up.

I don't know. I really want to have a crazy sexual experience like an orgy or something, but then I don't want to hook up. Because if I go to a party with the presumption of getting laid, then that would be the only thing on my mind, and if I don't get what I want, it is always a let down. I would rather to let it happen naturally. I lack of some self confidence and at the same time have a lot of pride, so I wouldn't want to approach someone so boldly because I am afraid to get rejected in the face. I know it is silly since I would never see any of these people again, but still I wouldn't want to apply that pressure on myself. Like this older gay who told me that flirting is a sport and you have to practice to get good at it. I guess I need to learn to how deal with pain first... maybe the best way is to get hurt ha.

Anyways, I am going to another circuit party called "Alegria" tonight. It means happiness in Spanish according to S. I am really excited and I think it would be another night of fun times. Oh yeah supposedly that this party is tailored to a younger crowd. We will find out then!

Ciao for now.