Monday, May 19, 2008

I donated the second time

This time is a family effort. We as a family donated 300 dollars to the relief effort for the Chinese 7.9 earthquake that resulted 50,000 some death, and 5 million household homeless.  We have been following this event unfold for a week now. From the Chinese official Xinhua news and the mostly independent Hong Kong based Phoenix network to the CNN new, we learned a lot of heart wrenching details.  I wish for a better tomorrow for the victims from the bottom of my heart.  Though 300 dollars is small considering the Chinese rich and famous, corporations, and the general public has donated 500 million American dollars to save these people.  I have to applaud the government for the swift action and resolute to help everyone involved.  Also I hope this is a wake up call for the poorly constructed infrastructure especially like schools.  They need to do more prevention than recovery.  Regardless, at this point, we can only look at the brighter side. 

Hope yall can help in some way. 


Thursday, May 15, 2008


I don't know. I feel like this whole incident was like a giant painful hiccup. 

My dad, after three days of sulking, constipating and ignoring, he seems to slowly return to normal.  I was so 110% sure that he knew, now I am only 99% sure that he knew.  Whatever thought process that he went through with his best logic as he knows it, has made him completely oblivious toward current situation.  He now is in a full on denial mode.  

I was anxiously waiting for "the talk" or at least his desperate cry for his broken heart. Whatever it was, I thought it would be some kind of outcry, at least to my mom.  I wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all because he refused to look at me for three days and whenever he has to pass me by, he would make that heavy breathing sound.  It is quite creepy I think.  But now he is just silent once again.  He is a master of drama I have to say.  The physical silent treatment just closed its curtain, now the psychological void emerges. 

I truly do not understand this man.  Yes I am his son and whether I like it or not I have his traits. For example, sometimes, I just can't stfu. Another example would be self victimizing, which I try so desperately to correct. But overall, I feel that this man and I have fundamental differences regarding prospect of life in general.  I love him in a way that how families HAVE to love each other and nothing more.  I care about him because I have to.  He is my father and I am no animal.  But other than that I really just don't get him at all.  The list can go on and on.  

Deep down I knew today would come.  As a precaution, I kept telling them to be more independent.  Yes, I try to make them emotionally detached from me.  Cook a great meal for my mom, do something for yourself. It is not like we are living in a third world country with a third world living standard.  You have the capacity to enjoy life.  Instead, he would get mad if I don't eat dinner at home.  He would get mad if I come downstairs for dinner 10 mins too late.  He would get mad if I tell him don't cook dinner for me tonight because I had prior plans.  

"I did this just for you."

You FUCKING cooked rice. 

This emotional baggage! His constant reminder of "You owe your life to me" is his way of showing his love.  It is so traditionally Chinese that I want to fucking puke.  You know My MOM could enjoy some fucking rice that is just made for her. Turn your attention to your spouse who is probably gonna spend more time at the end stage of your life!  I am FINE. I am only independent when you want me to be.  I am only as grown up as you wish to believe.  

I seriously feel that because of him, I need years of therapy.  I am more fucked up with him than without.  His fatherly love has never made a warm impression in my whole life and yet everyone around me can attest that he loves me and cares so much about me.

Again I guess it comes down to the fundamental differences. For me, if you are a man, fucking take care yourself and make sure you can at least make the impression that you can out live your spouse. THAT is the ultimate commitment. That is the ultimate promise.  You let people in your life know that You WILL BE FINE.  Even though we are not counting on it, but that is the best ANYONE can do for your family members who truly love you.  I can care much less about some dinner and shit.

He on the other hand, focuses things on the microscopic scale. The dinner, the attitude, the chores and all that random shits become the fabrics of his version of the perfect family.  Oh yeah, he also eats shit load of salt, sugar, fat, and he smokes.  He sleeps late and wakes up early and mentally gets fucked the whole day, then complains about being stressful and tired in America.  He saves pennies, yet doesn't spend anytime invest.  He has high blood pressure, potential heart problem, thick blood, and of course 20 some years of smoking has almost completed spelling lung cancer for him.  On top of that, my grandpa died from colon cancer, and my dad is 55 years old and has yet checked his colon. 

When confronted, he always blames these on other things. Oh if I am rich I would do all these maintenance every day.  It is always about money... !? Bullshit. Yes health insurance purchased by individuals is expensive but with careful planning it is doable. Plus this is the money you should spend, quit smoking would be something on top of the to do list.  

I remember when my uncle in law died from kidney failure, you cried your eyes out right before the corpse was sent to the incinerator.  For what?  Because deep down, you know that would be you in a decade?  You probably already figured out that you have no will power that would steer your bad habits, just like my dead uncle in law.  I still don't know wtf you cried about.  You two had such a bad  relationship and you both looked down on each other, then why the tears back then?  My mom said you were shaken by the sight.  Apparently not shaken enough to learn anything from it.

Always playing the blame game! He has never reflect on himself EVER.  I think I started really hating him when he told me that "It is right because I say it is right because I am always right." From there on he lost all his credibility and that was when I was about 12 years old.  

After 10 years in America, he still cannot speak one full sentence of English and he still has to write numbers reading from a chart and this is when he handles all the family checks and finances. Trust me he has written a lot of checks!  On the contrary everyone that we know in our life, has learned English to some degree. He doesn't even fucking try.  We have a family business and my mom has to do EVERYTHING. He just chooses to do the physical works then complains about being too stressful, physically.  Ok you are getting older so I guess we can tolerate that.  But when asked what he wants to do exactly since he complains about everything that he does nowadays.  His answer? "nothing, I just want to sit around and do nothing, enjoy life." Life of a what? Even sloth would climb trees. It is so obnoxious that I feel hard to breath when I hear that.  I am still mad.  I am mad that in my mind my dad wouldn't be like this.  He is so hypocritical, so selfish, and so irresponsible. I used to believe if that my dad was more of a role model and manly, I wouldn't be gay.  I know that is not true now but I think that thought that belief and that expectation still made a heavy dent in my relationship with him.  He just wants to be a domestic king and a social wuss.  Let me correct that, he can only be a domestic king because social status isn't handed to him so he is ok with being a social wuss that just doesn't know when to stfu.  At least I used to be able to be sympathetic and now I am even worried that I am just so indifferent toward him.

All of this, how does this make him responsible, how does this show that he cares?

I am so frustrated and fed up with his arrogance and ignorance over the years. 

Plus my teenage years... that is another post. This particular post that I often mention about, will be done soon but it is going to be a heavy one down to the memory lane...

Now after you figure out your son is gay, all you can come up is a silent and odorless fart. Playing the victim for three days and now you are silent?

Of course, this again has to be about YOU.  You are the victim of the family. Hell, as you claimed that you are the victim of your own family back in my grandma's ages. I have to say maybe he is traumatized but he never tried to pick himself out of that. 

He STILL talks about the hardship that he endured back in the Cultural Revolution in China. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND PROBABLY DIED. You, dad, on the other hand just weren't fed enough. 

I always asked my mom, do you really love dad? I know she never loved him in the beginning, but it was the good nature of hers that made her commit and finally sincerely cherished the family. Her own words, "the first time I saw your dad, he wasn't bad". "however, my coworker said your dad's look was very bland."

That is just fucking wonderful, the least he could do is to give me a prettier face. Everything is just fucked up. Now I am just really ranting.

I don't know.  I feel like my relationship with my dad has dropped down to a dimension that is beyond time and physics.  It was as if it was nice and warm all of sudden it was a ugly blur and now I just don't care anymore.  How pathetic is this really?


Here is the HNT picture, in case you are confused what part of my body this is... This is my leg, the thigh, knee, leg area.

Whenever I am super stressed I dwell back into the world of video games, usually the time consuming ones... I am play FF11 right now. It is great, I tend to forget a lot. Better than stuffing my face I think, that would be deadly on my weight. This weekend should be fun, going out gay clubbing again, and the long beach pride. sigh I think I really need it. Next weekend, I am trying to plan this Getty's Museum visit. I don't know why I just really want to be there for some reason, that place sounds just so peaceful

Friday, May 09, 2008

Wow... this could be fatal

Ok, I think my mom just accidentally outted me to my dad and my dad has been mad at my mom regarding business stuff. So now I am not even sure what he is mad about at this moment. He didnt come home till now and he is on his way. He didn't talk much which makes it all that more creepy. I am seriously worried about my safety and my mom's safety. What if he stabs all of us to death and burn the house down? And my stupid mom, she loved my conversation with her regarding gay issue so much that she copy/pasted it from MSN messager and sent a copy of the transcript to herself. Of course my mom and dad use the same email account and he read it.

He then asked my mom about the conversation. Even though all my talking was in English, but my mom typed in Chinese and made it pretty obvious that we were talking about me. So he asked my mom "what exactly was this conversation about? Is there anything between you and him?"

I have no idea waht I should do right now. I was worried if he commits suicide just now because he didn't come home now I think he will probably go for homicide instead. It is kinda sad that I think my dad is capable of this but I really think he is.

I really don't need this right now. This is truly fucked up.

--- update,

now he walked looking very depressed. I didn't look up because i didn't want to make eye contact and my heart is beating very fast. It's been such a long time that I somehow lost all my courage and confidence in front of him. He walked straight to the bathroom and took out some underwear that I put there to dry and tossed them on the chair. He locked door and started blowing his nose 3 times. I wonder if he is crying. Then my mom came back and we started talking a bit about what we should do. Then suddenly we hear the shower.

I am so freaking nervous rright now it is feels surreal.

Shower just stopped and I am carefully listening to the sound coming from the bathroom. Silence...

I just went downstairs to calm my mom because she is rambling about how careless now. I am like god freaking calm down apparently you are being careless as right now. What if he comes down and hears you right now. She is losing it.

Came back up stairs and I can hear hair blowdrier. Hmmm All this sounds so creepy. I feel it is too calm. The daily routine suddenly feels like a final preparation before execution. God I hope today just passes as if nothing happened. But who am I kidding, my mom said that he was reading a DICTIONARY when she arrived at the office. I think he is also shaving right now... omfg...

He came out looking all sad and having a blank stare. He went to his room and locked the door. Now my mom is asking him to open the door and he said he is going to sleep. But he refuses. Sigh wtf is going on. She is asking him to eat and he said leave him alone.

It is over. He knows.

HNT - 4

AS you can see, there is still a lot of work need to be done. But I think my chest is a bit bigger than this since this was taken about 1-2 months ago. God I am so exhausted lately for some reason. I fell asleep at an intersection yesterday right after I was off 110 in Pasadena. This can't be healthy -_-....

Received a very random and annoying phone call.

This was actually my fault. 

Two weeks ago I went to the D&G store in South Coast and purchased a soccer t-shirt. Slim fit and good color. the material is very comfortable. So as soon as I tried it on, I liked it.  They were also having a 40% off sales for some reason. I thought, ok 120 bucks for a collar tshirt is a bit far fetched concept but with 40% off that is manageable. After paying I realized this item was apparently inevitably not included in the sale. W/e I paid and left feeling not so great about it. I mean I still love the shirt and I wore it 3 times already so that depreciated it to about 80 bucks on the current value now. But most importantly, the lady, presumably an old Italian, made a very bad impression on me.  She couldn't really speak English all that well and did false advertisement in my opinion and she appeared to be very greedy and superficial. Compared to the other Italian woman who convinced me to buy that 200 bucks bottle of cologne, she was had no sales skill whatsoever.  Even though the cologne lady had this hooker purple lipstick on and her boobs were literally dancing half way out of her dress, I still found her to be exotic and nice toward the end. Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, I call talent.

Anyways, I got a phone call yesterday at lunch and the number wasn't showing. I have been thinking about my career moves lately so for some stupid reason I thought it might be a recruiter. Ha yeah I know, delusional right? I am a no body and why would recruiter just drop jobs on me this randomly. But that logic totally didn't work at that time, so I happily picked up strange phone call.

"Heelow, Daveeed? Ahm #!@#!#!@ cailoing frah !@#!~~(, weeee goat fortee !#! and woodah leek you !@#!@)"

"hmmm, who is this?"

"xxxxxx (still couldn't make it out), Am cailing from Dolce & Gabanna, we have 40% off, would you like to come in."

oh bitch....

"ah... sure.. how long does the "sale" last?"

"thru the 18th."

"oh then maybe I will go on the 17th (don't really want to go)."

"You should come in this week because then you will have a better selection."

"hmmm ok I guess. sure."

"I am xxxx, and I will be here from 12 to 8pm."

"wow you stay there quite a while huh, ha ha ha, (please hang up bitch)"

"So what time are you coming in."

!!!!! This is no freaking job interview, you don't own me!

"ah.............. maybe later?"

"so how is 6pm"

"er sure....."

"alright david, I will see you at 6pm"

Why am I such a doormat...


I am going to write about my little date like fool around experience last Friday, which made me even sadder afterward.

Also I am hating my current fuck buddy, he is utterly useless. Never wants to fuck when I need it, what is the use to have a fuck buddy then. freaking A.

This hot thing just messaged me online and when I replied all he said was oh thanks for your comment. WTF.... So when I asked him what his plan was, he said party, and hopefully to fuck :-). then he left his email for me to trade pictures and said he's got to log off. 

Sigh... why my love life and sex life all kinda just suck...  I guess I am not physically attractive enough. It must be the reason. I wish I could grow a thick skin like lots gays and truly believe that they are the hottest shit in the world even though they are really just hottest shitty mess but still it seems to work. sigh.
Of course when I got some positive energy from this little exchange, I messaged one guy that came up from the top page and I thought was pretty decent. The outcome? silence. Sigh that is right. Story of my life.

Thursday, May 01, 2008


Work has been kind of a drag but it is going and I am learning so that is good.  Feel a bit tired right now so I am not gonna blah blah blah for it is too much even for myself sometimes.  Here is my HNT picture yeay~~~ I did it on time this time.