Ah I wish I could just talk

and the computer will write for me. I miss blogging sometimes, it is cathartic and I would like to document how I feel at certain stage. But I dont know I guess I am just so lazy that if I were a species 100 million years ago on earth I would have been the first one to get wiped out by others. I guess I will try slowly but surely get back to this I think I need to.

Part of the reason I stopped a while back is because I was kinda down for a while. I had another 2 HIV scare due to stupid sexual encounters that were just beyond my own comprehension. It was stressful and depressing to go through it once in life and I found it rather disturbing and depressing to rewrite that here once again. In that case the sharing does not relieve anything, instead it only increases the pain. I guess I am in a better place now.

I just read a post from Debriefing the Boys and found he had an HIV scare too which is a bit more scarier than mine since his encounter tested positive. Oi... the humanity. At least during that scare, he was still able to have awesome weekends by his measure. But for me, it was just gray all day everyday. The fact that I did it back to back after testing negative the first time was just so self destructive.

Anyways...

I pulled 4 wisdom teeth out 2 weeks ago. I was on Vicodin most of the time in the beginning so I thought I was a good healer. God only I knew... Once I was off the painkillers, I had trouble sleeping, and the teeth were so painful that I have been having bad headaches all day everyday for an entire week.

In that state I still helped a friend to move on the weekend in Hollywood. To rewind, we smoked a bit weed after we were all done, and I guess all the antibiotic and painkillers combined with weed were just bad idea. It was as if I had an acid trip. I am so so tired of the pain! Had a check up today and the doctor could not be less brief. He shoved some painkiller medicine in my wound and told me to come back in 5 days and he will take those out. As soon as he finished the instruction he was ready to go on to the next patient. I know his business is super good and all but he made it so obvious that he had bigger tooth to fry in other rooms! So I started to ramble,

"it hurts a lot, i have a headache everyday, is it infected? I think my nerve is exposed because everytime i drink something cold, a jolt of pain just shoots down my spine. do i need more meds? which med should I get, i heard vicodin damages your liver."

I guess my machine gun style of questioning dind't help the case at all since he just said, yes yes, no, probably, it is normal, if you want meds i can give you some, what do u need, do you need both, ok here, go get some more vicodin...

I guess that is great if I were addicted to Rx drugs, but I just wanted some professional attention...

Tomorrow is my mom's bday, got her a coach watch and she liked it a lot. It'd be perfect if she didn't just ask me to try girls again 2 weeks ago. sigh back to ground 0 in this battle...

street fighter 4

anyone else is playing it? I am so addicted to it as for now. I am on playstation 3 console and I have 2.8k bp @_@... I know it is so low and I am stuck on this level XD...

Blogging to Twitter

There are several reasons for stopping this blog thing. But I changed to twitter now. I think this way I can keep recording my thoughts whatnot but in real time which is what blogs lack of. Anyways, hope yall have twitter now since the ancient republican congressmen all got it already too!

I am Bughamster on twitter. see you there.

[porn] - the hottest bottom fuck I have seen

For a lot of people, this is probably a very normal fuck clip. But for me, the bottom is sooo smoking hot. He makes me wanna fuck and at the same time just be fucked thoroughly like him in the clip. I want to be strong and fit like him, and yet completely succumb to a good fuck and moan like a little girl. I don't know, he just does it for me. Look at that body, do you know how much workout is needed to sculpt a lower back and a thigh like that. I can just look at him getting shafted all day long, it is so mesmerizing.

--

On the another note, I just finished my vacation in Mammoth snowboarding. I also took a little detour to San Jose, and lived at my friend's family's place for 2 nights. It was so quiet and nice, a true vacation for me. I got a little bit pictures, wish I had more but none of us were particularly into carrying a giant camera around lol. Ooo my friend's boss is this 44 year old german architect, sooooo freaking hot. Anyways, I will write them up soon. Enjoy the fucking hot bottom's fuck video clips below first.

Ciao

--

Clip 1


Find more videos like this on Ruffkin8


Clip 2


Find more videos like this on Ruffkin8

Much to talk about

I have been really lazy about blogging even though I constantly think that a lot of stuff is blog worthy.

First I just want to say, Iphone update SUCKS big time. I understand it is a delicate piece of equipment so the software is probably complicated when it comes down to firmware upgrades. But over 1 hour backup? I think I can probably back up a stupid PC with that much time and yet I am only backing up a stupid phone. Is it an oversight or apple was just completely oblivious about it since they know that we are all their bitches now.

-----

I went to XIV restaurant in West Hollywood 2 weeks ago treating a friend for her bday. It was such a nice experience. The restaurant was incredibly unique and I love the tasting portion of every dish. I got extremely stuffed before I even finished my 14 dishes meal. The crowd was MUCH better than some other supposedly high end restaurants. There was a lot of professionals and it definitely felt more upscale. Overall the food was still the most impressive part of it all. I highly recommend!

But the highlight of the night was our waiter. (rishi, I know he is a waiter... I mean not everyone like you who only dates lawyers and above)...His name was J and he was sooo very cute and friendly. My friend and I kept talking about him throughout our conversation. Of course, we started to talk to him more and more as well. Conversation went from what was in my dish to how much he works and how well he knows the surrounding area etc... I kinda had a crush.

So my friend said I should get his number. I was like, are you kidding, just getting a number from a waiter because I think he is cute, that is so cliche and outdated. He will definitely think that it is extremely lame. Then my friend said, omg if you keep being this chicken and passive, then prepare to jerk off till you die. Ok she wasn't that mean, she said something along the "die alone" line which wasn't nice either. Then she said, you know what, I will just get it for you, you are so annoying when you are this shy. I was like omg don't do it, what if he was just being nice and not interested at all, that would be so embarrassing. Then she said so what? Then fuck him. Well i have to give her props. She is always going after things that she desires and has never been apologetic about it either. Sometimes, I think it is just a bit too much because she would do it at anyone's expense. But sometimes I wish I could live like her.

So I have decided that I would just do it as a subplot of our already great evening.

When he came around again, I asked him something that I do not recall anymore; apparently it was just a filler before my request. Then I said oh can I have your business card so next time when we come we can sit at your table again.

He said, oh... actually I am leaving XIV soon, because he has decided going to Katsuya which is owned by the same group. I was a bit disappointed at that moment thinking oh well whatever. So I kept the conversation going a little bit about his departure. Toward the end, he said, you know what, let me give you my card, so you can find me next time. Then he handed his personal card to me, which included his name, personal phone number and address.

I was very surprised by it and was definitely happy about this turn of event.

After I went home I texted him saying "Oh I forgot to introduce myself, my name is ... and thank you for the great experiences."

He texted me back about 3 hours later saying "My pleasure, it was nice meeting you, and hopefully I will see you soon again :p"

At this point, I think he might be interested or just being really nice. I wasn't sure.

Second day, I found him on facebook. I know it is a bit stalkerish, but it was my friend's idea and I was just too weak for the temptation. I found him and his profile was public as well. I saw some more pictures of his and he was really charming in all of them. Then I found out that he is also the same age as I am, a little bit older which is perfect as well.

As I was adding him, I noticed that he already celebrated his last day @ XIV and was ready to move on. So I sent him a message on facebook saying that I was surprised he left so soon. He then messaged back saying that it was sad it was sooner than later but he is enjoying his free time right now. And I know where I can find him and he hopes it'd be soon ;P.

At this point, I am fairly sure that he is interested, and I was totally excited about it.

But given the lack of experience of dating first then fucking, I sent him a message saying that I too would like to see him soon. This particular message got slaughtered by all my coworkers. They thought I made myself way too available and what I should have done was to keep the mystery.

I guess I do have an IQ of a snail when it comes to dating. But why play the dating game if you like each other? Why not just a date and see what kind of chemistry happens then. My coworkers told me to wait at least 3 days (yeap the stupid 3 days rule) and do not talk to him at all. I had to defer my opinion on this since they are all freaking married. So I waited for two days and thought this was stupid. So on the second night, feeling good about the whole day and everything, had the courage to just text him. Trying to appear to be kinda care free but interested, I stupidly said "hey, are you still up?" ... omg I am such snail. Why didn't I just say how is your day, what are you doing etc etc like a normal human being...

Two days passed and I haven't got a reply and I was completely devastated. I know, I am a very fragile being. I got quite depressed. I felt stupid that I read so much into it when he was just being nice. He probably wanted to keep a potential long term dinner client and possibly makes a friend and all of suddenly I am all up in arms about to eat him. There is a lot of other things happening during that 3 days and I was just in this very bad mood everyday. For example, checking out some other gay people's facebook who I used to talk, and realized that they are all doing much better in this land of gays in terms of social lives than I do despite the fact that they all came out later. What does it take? Do I HAVE to live in West Hollywood like them to really get into it? I really don't think it is the case but I don't know. I was so frustrated. It was pretty miserable. By the 3rd day there was no reply to my stupid text message. I was ready to give up.

I mean I already was getting over it somewhat. I mean we met for 2 hours that was it... I would be stupid to make myself inside out just by this brief encounter. However, being so dissatisfied with this outcome, I wasn't just ready to let it end like this. He is very cute after all. Making a friend wouldn't be bad. I need some gays to party with too.

So I retreated to facebook. I send him another message. This time just being a normal human being asked him, hi how are you doing lately, have you started working yet? Hope all is well.

2 days passed no reply and I was pretty over it.

Went out clubbing on Saturday with straight friends and chain smoked the whole night. Got home @ 4 am and played video game till 730am. Waking up feeling refreshed and I wasn't that depressed anymore.

Checking facebook, there was the message from him, "Hey how are you? yeah I have just started @ ____ and I really like it. Ready for your holidays?"

I haven't replied him yet. I dont know what to say. I am already over it kinda. But I guess being in this phase, I would sound much more normal, you know, instead of being a 14 year old little girl who just saw prince charming or something. But at least one thing I know, he just wants to be a friend, which is ok, but in that case, the whole thing is kinda dispensable at this point now.

Gays got screwed again.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Let's hear what Rachael says about the fuck up about Obama's Rick Warren pick.

I just love her.

hi~

The sweetest thing

Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.

------

I think I am bipolar, just a little bit.  That is why I am always trying not to be too happy because I feel as if at the peak of happiness, I would simply crash and burn into an emotional abyss.  Today is one of those days.  

Lately I have been extremely unsatisfied with my job.  It is not where I want my career to be.  I am yet swarmed by the mundane things everyday.  I have been doing what the senior analyst does most of the time with the junior analyst pay.  In the beginning I was excited because I could see things from a different perspective and I could sense that I might learn much more and have a better idea of what this business is all about.  I thought I would finally get something really valuable out of it.  It was a new start.  However, after one quarter of doing it, I realized that nothing has really changed.  I am more of a mess cleaner.  Instead of doing the work from scratch, I am just cleaning up the mess that bunch new hires are making.  I can tell some of them just don't give a shit as well, they probably hate the job, so the their work is always like diarrhea in a toilet bowl.  No matter how hard I try, I am bound to miss a shit spot.  I asked my manager to help with another group that involves a totally different aspect of the business and yet he continues to give those work to the newer hires since we are short on the review process.  So now they just shit all over in that group too.  People in that group always complains to me how badly the work quality is.  But what can we do, the entire environment doesn't promote competition and doesn't reward competition fairly anyway. 

I don't know I am just very confused about what is about to happen.  

In addition, stock market has taken another nose dive.  I never thought the big 3 auto maker would have made such a dent on my investment.  But stupid me right?  Who knew these CEOs would take their extremely luxurious private jet to Washington D.C. and then beg for money.  Now whose fault is this.  It is a mess that has become a vicious circle which will not be defeated unless you implement policy that would be equivalent to a bone marrow transplant procedure to the entire auto industry in the U.S.  

Then we had a 2 hours training in the afternoon.  I actually liked the training because it was meaningful and interesting.  I felt my brain was breaking the rust during the training process.  I felt a bit more alive.   But the AC was extremely cold and my ice coffee just made me feel like I was getting sick.  I did feel awful toward the end of the day.  

However, I was determined to workout today.  So it went, a grueling leg workout that put me in a complete physical shock.  During my leg workout, I felt pain on my ring finger.  This finger is a bad finger.  When I was 9, a friend of mom's accidentally discovered that I had a lump on that finger.  So we checked it and it was said to be a bone cluster, nothing big, but we should keep an eye on it in case it becomes a tumor and turn into cancer.  Thinking back, I probably should have taken their conclusion with grain of salt since those doctors in my hometown, especially back in the days, were mostly idiots.  They would do anything to get patients to have a surgery so they could get a lot of profit out of it.  However, as cynical as I am, this finger has been perpetually haunting me since then.  I always felt that it would turn into cancer (I have bad luck with disease, I actually have a pretty bad one right now, I meant to write about it but always pushed it off).  So today after the pain on that finger, I touched it.  The lump was clearly bigger and the position of it was in the middle section of the finger.   It felt so big.  Of course I immediately had a cancer scare.  But I kept going with my routine and felt dead afterward. 

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend after the gym but she bailed on me.  So I went home feeling really sad, worried and alone.  Considering I was laughing my ass off during lunch, what a huge difference it has been in 5 hours!  

Then I saw the video.  It made me cry.  I couldn't control my tears.  I wasn't hysterical or sad.  I just felt touched.  It was like a warm hearty soup in a cold winter night.  It made me feel like today was Christmas.  I felt that people still do care.  I cried for a bit, then felt much better. 

I think I will call the USC cancer center tomorrow.  I already have a patient card from there - two years ago I went in to check my balls for cancer because I felt a couple of lumps on it.  I think the ball checking was legit but no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, I will check my finger.  Oh yeah I will have to schedule a HIV test as well.  I let a guy slide his giant cock in my ass for like 5 seconds in my gym, stupid indeed.  Wouldn't this be the saddest way to get infected?  It wasn't even full on sex. 

God wtf is going on.