conversation with my vp

It is dialogue between two generations of gays. kinda boring you are warned.

----

Me (11:09:48 PM): btw

Me (11:09:51 PM): i was meaning to ask u

Me (11:10:02 PM): someone wrote the answer on the white board

Me (11:10:17 PM): the answer to the question "what are looking forward to when the weather is warmer"

Me (11:10:23 PM): someone said fresh fruits

Me (11:10:26 PM): and someone wrote down

Me (11:10:28 PM): who is a fruit

Me (11:10:34 PM): ok that is kinda bad u know

Me (11:10:49 PM): but someone with humor covered his ass saying "who isn't"

Me (11:10:50 PM): was that u

Me (11:10:55 PM): who wrote who isn't>?

Me (11:11:19 PM): BTW the black temp that i thought was your new assistant WAS gay omg my gaydar was S?O on coz i got the vibe from him

vp (11:12:11 PM): I saw it this evening. Playing editor - i erased the who's the fruit part. It is not the first homophobic thing i've had to erase

vp (11:12:35 PM): i left the first part - but erased the who's a fruit part

vp (11:12:46 PM): no tolerance

Me (11:12:49 PM): u should confront it

Me (11:12:53 PM): write down

Me (11:13:07 PM): homophobic should not be tolerated - sr. management

Me (11:13:40 PM): most likely it is some young guys in the office

Me (11:13:48 PM): i am pretty worked up with the gay rights thing lately

vp (11:13:50 PM): you might be right. the white board should be kept light

Me (11:14:01 PM): after seeing the lawerence king case

Me (11:14:11 PM): he was shot in the head by a 14 year old twice and dead 2 days later

Me (11:14:14 PM): for being who is omg

Me (11:14:18 PM): for god's sake

Me (11:14:23 PM): he was so brave to be who he is

Me (11:14:29 PM): i thinkw e really need to more as adults

Me (11:14:35 PM): in an industry running by gays

Me (11:14:39 PM): i mean if we can't do that much

Me (11:14:46 PM): i don't know what else we could do u know

vp (11:15:04 PM): we won't change people's mind by telling them what to think

vp (11:15:12 PM): we just need to live our lives

vp (11:15:22 PM): and be there, gay and normal

Me (11:15:26 PM): that is for sure but shouldn't we also confront it?

Me (11:15:42 PM): instead of i dont kjnow like hiding it

vp (11:16:00 PM): something for me to think about

vp (11:16:19 PM): my generation was more used to hiding it

vp (11:16:23 PM): but that is no excuse

Me (11:16:43 PM): i just feel that if WB and Disney can't let the gays be who they are without being harrassed one way or another, we are just really not gonna move forward anymore. kinda sad

Me (11:16:53 PM): i am telling u

Me (11:16:54 PM): sometimes

Me (11:17:03 PM): one simple action puts so much hope in a young person

Me (11:17:13 PM): like harvey milk

Me (11:17:33 PM): who said that there would be hope for the gays because he will fight it for them, i think that prevented a lot of suicides

Me (11:18:01 PM): at least one person who survived his depression now lived to write a book about him and now the movie is in production by sean penn

vp (11:18:44 PM): i often forget there is homophoobia out there these days.

vp (11:19:30 PM): i work in an environment where most people either know, don't care or are respectful of my corporate position

Me (11:19:31 PM): i read towleroad

vp (11:19:36 PM): and then i live in weho

Me (11:19:44 PM): basically u will see at least one gay bashing a day on that simple news outlet

vp (11:19:56 PM): so sad

Me (11:20:01 PM): yeap

Me (11:20:34 PM): so u know i just think in los angeles the most gay friendly town in the world, in the entertainment industry the gay industry

Me (11:20:39 PM): shouldn't we the gays rule the place

Me (11:20:49 PM): i think it is appropriate to make at least a stance

Me (11:21:11 PM): i mean it is not even an confrontation it is a mere stance

Me (11:21:21 PM): now i regret that i dind't put anything on the board.

vp (11:21:50 PM): i think if i were in the insurance business in tulsa, i would not have a picture of my bf on my deak. ok i'm sober now

vp (11:22:12 PM): well, maybe we both learned something then

Me (11:23:10 PM): yeah

Me (11:23:16 PM): i just think at least for ME

Me (11:23:23 PM): i can't take all the comfort for granted

Me (11:23:36 PM): i feel that a lot of people got bashed or died or depressed over the years

Me (11:23:44 PM): indirectly for me to at least to come out for my mom

Me (11:23:52 PM): i don't think i would have if i didn't attend that GLAAD award

vp (11:24:02 PM): i have seen so much change of the last 20 years that the same triumphs seem like a big deal to me - the just being out and not too weird about it so huge to me

vp (11:24:14 PM): small triumphs

vp (11:24:31 PM): you kids today!!!

Me (11:24:35 PM): i know man

Me (11:24:38 PM): i am just anal

Me (11:24:42 PM): i swear to u

vp (11:24:47 PM): so you've told me

Me (11:25:07 PM): there are so many people are just apathetic

vp (11:25:36 PM): in the gay world? apathetic

Me (11:26:30 PM): i think it is kinda like that in america a lot of people are

Me (11:26:33 PM): but see that is good about americans

Me (11:26:40 PM): people are allowed to dream and be passionate about things

Me (11:26:55 PM): so we got these lazy sloth who just leech on others' fruits and taking advantages

Me (11:27:05 PM): there are elites who make differences one step at a time

Me (11:27:21 PM): like erin brokwich etc u know brave stories

vp (11:27:51 PM): but her story was actually one of small steps

vp (11:28:00 PM): we can all be a little bit like that

vp (11:28:13 PM): even if it just means writing something on a white board

Me (11:28:21 PM): yeap

Me (11:28:25 PM): that is my whole point

Me (11:28:42 PM): i was reading that thing today for a while

Me (11:28:54 PM): smile on my face but the expression was really forced i was pretty bugged by it

vp (11:30:44 PM): sorry, that's why i erased it. it was offensive. if i knew who wrote it, obviously as a human being and one of the dept heads, it would get confronted. sorry you had to deal with it

Me (11:31:14 PM): oh no i am talking to u as a friend and young homo right now. not as an employee u know

Me (11:31:20 PM): i am sure u are just as bothered

Me (11:31:30 PM): but u are weathered. u deal it very differently

Me (11:31:41 PM): u have more patience and tolerance

vp (11:31:59 PM): i was bothered and sadened, but not totally shocked.

vp (11:32:13 PM): some people have shit for brains

Me (11:32:27 PM): i know

Me (11:32:30 PM): i think they eat shit too

Me (11:32:42 PM): i

vp (11:32:43 PM): lol

Me (11:32:53 PM): kinda try to push tolerance in my small ways as well

vp (11:34:17 PM): you just need to live your life. some people won't like it no matter what you do. some people will love and some will not, but that is mostly their problem.v

p (11:34:30 PM): let them say what they want - we will be there to protect each other

vp (11:34:53 PM): so say the cookie of our tribal counsel

vp (11:35:09 PM): council?

vp (11:35:13 PM): whatever

Me (11:38:21 PM): yeah i was saing i am pushing tolerance in my small ways too

Me (11:38:23 PM): like today

Me (11:38:32 PM): i had dinner with jason with his gf together

Me (11:38:36 PM): and we were talking about fraternity

Me (11:38:41 PM): and after talking about it

Me (11:39:07 PM): i said oh u know in usc we have openly gay fraternity now. like this one with 90 members with 15 members. i think that is a good step. more diversed and definitel the right step

Me (11:39:17 PM): apparently they werne't on the same boat but they could only agree

Me (11:39:35 PM): in LA, understanding and tolerance is actually something cool to talk about

vp (11:46:28 PM): it is a relatively progressive place, but perhaps it can make us (me) too complacent at times.

vp (11:46:50 PM): that's why you are in my life, in part, to help me remember

Me (11:47:07 PM): i know

Me (11:47:14 PM): but i think at least for u

vp (11:47:15 PM): that there is a white board out there that still needs to be responded to

Me (11:47:16 PM): u earned it

Me (11:47:18 PM): u went thru that

Me (11:47:37 PM): not everyone has to live a life like a pheonix

Me (11:47:58 PM): that is why i still have some respect for a lot of politicians even tho they talk shit out of their mouth

Me (11:48:55 PM): omg seriously i might call in sick somehow my throat is kicking too

Me (11:48:59 PM): i don't know what triggered this

Me (11:49:07 PM): i suspect if it is the miedicine i took...

vp (11:49:20 PM): we both need to go to bed

vp (11:49:22 PM): what medicine

Me (11:49:28 PM): the tylone and advil

vp (11:49:35 PM): me, the pusher?

Me (11:49:36 PM): maybe it messed up my immue response

Me (11:49:38 PM): yes!

vp (11:49:42 PM): OMG

vp (11:49:51 PM): how un=fierce

Me (11:50:01 PM): lol

vp (11:50:11 PM): go to bed, have a good night, stay well

Me (11:50:11 PM): i haven'g got a cold or bug for like 3-4 years

Me (11:50:15 PM): thx for breaking the streak

Me (11:50:21 PM): ok u go have sex

Me (11:50:24 PM): ok?

Me (11:50:27 PM): u'd better have some sex -_-

vp (11:50:32 PM): and if you feel well enough, i'll see you tomorrow

Me (11:50:34 PM): swallow some jizz etc

vp (11:50:39 PM): night

vp (11:50:51 PM): and tasty too

Me (11:50:53 PM): lol

Me (11:50:55 PM): night night

A not meant to be story

This guy, let's call him Rod. It is his real nick name. He preferred me to call him Rod. He is black. The first black guy I have actually talked to and interested in. NOT IN A RACIST WAY for you over sensitive mofos out there. I am a proud member of the minority within the minority. Anyways... I just never got a chance. I don't know, from an Asian's perspective, black guys are pretty thuggy. They can dance really well.. A bit too well and they, a lot of times, look like they can break me in bed. Ok ok enough with the stereotypes right? I would consider it stereotype if I never experience it before. However, it is my own observation through my own experience, I think I do deserve that right.

We talked online and called each other almost immediately. He sounded very cute and our conversation went on and on as if we knew each other for years. He liked my humor and I liked how he played along. We met the next day.

He lives in this nice area in Korean Town. Yeah I know, shocking, you would think there is no nice areas in the downtown area in general. I mean the area surrounding my old apt in downtown (Orsini) was pretty swanky but let's just say that you would not want to walk around there at night. However, that small area he lived in was really impressive. It was very clean, green, and quiet, definitely a huge contrast to the adjacent streets. The city seemed to have a major episode of vomiting with loads of Korean restaurants and laundromats. It felt commercial, dirty, crowded, and very used up. Yet, in the midst of all this, there was this small virgin island hiding within. Tall palm trees somehow rendered that small street a sense of importance. I felt like I had a grand entrance when I approached his apartment. It was a sunny day, and I was in a good mood. I wasn't really nervous at all for some reason.

I went into this vintage apartment. Apparently, the patrons are consisted of gays and old jewish ladies only. He wasn't downstairs to greet me since he was still in the shower. So I called him twice and got a bit impatient. To my surprise he ran down stairs in his towels. And oh my.... giant chests with 8 packs. It was a major fantasy came into life moment with all the sparkles and imaginary doves flying around. I mean I have NEVER touched a 8 packs before and I thought I would never touch one this soon. There he was, a complete model body, big smile and very white teeth. I have to say that his teeth were fresh and tasted great. He had short hair which impressed me. I don't know I never liked guys with long hair. So we went upstairs to his room asap. He was kinda embarrassed how he presented himself. But I wasn't complaining at all. I wish the whole building knew that he was half naked in a towel with me. Yes, I am about to do this fucking hot black thug. Only if I had a bullhorn.

His room was very clean and simple yet stylish decoration magically brought a sense of warmth to this otherwise old and hollow room. His mac book was playing all kinds of music and he was scrambling about. He tried to finish his shower and getting dressed so we could go to lunch. I was laying on his bed and listening to him making all kinds noises in his bathroom. Eventually he came out and applied some sort of butter on his body so it was all smooth and shiny. Not the cheesy Barbara Walter's lens kinda shine. His skin was like living marble... I think that is the best way I can describe it.

We went to this chicken place. Stuff wasn't that impressive and I think calling it a chicken place would sum up my feeling toward it just fine. Then we went to have tea in this very nice tea house. Some cute Korean boys were serving us. The setting was very classic. All tables had classic wrought iron designs. I don't know... but I think I finally realized that I was on an actual date till that point. I mean this would be my first real date and you got all the necessary elements in it! The sexual tension, the sweet talk, and the brief soul glancing. It was all very romantic and sweet, and of course GAY. I mean seriously I think we made kinda obvious that we were dating openly at that point. It was also kinda tragic. I am 24 years old, have blown guys in my gym shower, and yet that day was the first time I had my first real date... sigh..

So we finished all this fancy dating stuff and went back to his apartment. I tried to be civil. I really tried to be calm. But I mean wtf right. I don't remember how and when exactly it happened. I just jumped on top of him and started to make out. He had very strong lips and grips and the tighter he squeezed me, the more pleasure I was getting out of that moment. So of course moaning ensued and I stripped him naked. Now, this 8 packs were all mine and they were onlly inches away from me.

TO MY DISMAY.... somehow I just realized at that moment that model bodies are fantastic to look at but hollow at touch. I mean he had almost no fat on this torso so it was just pure skin and ripped muscles. Yet I for some reason expect them to be more bulky at touch. I was imaging that these muscles would have lives of their own and my hands surely wouldn't be able to contain them. Yet those muscles, all that insane definition kinda just stopped there, under my hands like a painting. They didn't feel as big as I imagined and it was really hard to play with. There was NOTHING to get a grip on. I squeezed, and my hands would just slip off. I couldn't pick up any of those packs. I guess I must have been crazy before. I mean how could you expect to pick up one of the 8 pieces of muscles on his stomach. But seriously, before I touched, they looked so big and so lively, you might have just believed that you could pick them up and exam its definition closely.

Anyways, making out turned into blow jobs. It was a sure hit on my self confidence. He was a thick 7 inch and I could barely even just eat the whole thing... not mentioning a quality blow job. Yes, I think I was over powered by a dick and I was in a wtf moment for a while... You know, I thought I was kinda good at it, and only to realize that I was no where near being good at it in front of him. He said he wouldn't fuck unless we are in a relationship. I was like sweety that is perfectly fine with me, I mean I really wasn't sure if I wanted that thing in me. It only spelled pain for me at that time. So we messed around. He was biting my nipples (I think I just realized I have big nipples. Some gays love them apparently. The blogger from London Preppy even used a clamp to make his bigger... But I HATE THEM, they kinda poke too much at my T-shirts) squeezing my body, and when he finished with that phase, he applied a shit load of lubes on my stomach and started to rub his rod against my body. That was how he got off eventually. He shaved his body which supposed to be a good news. But unfortunately for me, some of the hair just started to grow back. They weren't visible, but I sure could feel them when they moved like razors on my pelvis. It was hot though, somewhat painful because he constantly squeezed me, but overall was very hot. Eventually he shot all over my body and I started to jack off. He kinda backed out a bit to avoid cum on his face I guess. But the sexual tension was so strong and the moment was so hot, my cum went up at least a foot and shot straight to his face between his eyes and nose. We both froze and started to laugh hysterically for probably 5 mins.

After that, I suddenly felt that my interest in him started to escape like water pushing through failed levee. He kept saying that he really liked me. I liked him too, really. He was a cool guy with good sense of style. He laughs a lot and he sings and dances. He is involved in many broadway shows and is still trying to record an album etc... He is a load of fun and I know he would be a great fucker. I mean, his dick didn't go down even a bit after he came. IT WAS AS HARD AS HE STARTED. I didn't know it was biologically possible.... I actually asked him if that thing ever takes a break and goes down. He said if he wanted to, he could keep it up quite a long time...

When we cleaned up, we started to talk more about career, relationships and family etc... He showed me a lot of pictures of his friends. Man may I just say they were all pretty gorgeous. One of his black friends looks like a soap star and another Asian friend of his is already a model. I don't know... I never see myself actually having a relationship with someone like this. I always thought my future husband would be an i-banker...

I was ready to go.

He said,

"let's have dinner."
"ah I think I really should go."
"I see... Well You got what you wanted now you are ready to leave."
"it is not like that, I actually really like you."
"haha no you don't. You play it well."

I felt kinda stupid at that moment. I guess it was kinda obvious that I wasn't going to have a relationship with him and that was what he was looking for.

"ok let's go have dinner since I really do enjoy spending time with you even though you really don't believe me at this moment."

So we went to Fat Fish for dinner. At this point, conversation became more of a MOOOO point. Nothing significant or substantial going on and we were just killing time. Still chill and good conversation though....On the way back, he said,

"Sleep over tonight. Just tonight."

"I really can't I really have to go, got family stuff going tonight.... I will call you tomorrow."

"Ahhaha, no David, you will never call me."

"why are you saying that, I will call you."

"stay over no?"

"I really can't"

"alright, I really had a good time and I really like you. Anyways, good bye david."

It sounded so sad... I really wished there was more. I don't know. I just didn't see a future. We would be great together for a couple months. What happens after that? My theory is that if it is not gonna last why bother. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I know... the way I think about relationship is probably messed up. But I just feel i can't really trust anyone or anything when it comes to this...

I went home and texted him right away. We said our good nights.

He went back to Florida for Christmas and I texted him again on the eve.

That was it. No more contact from Rod.

I kinda miss him. I do wonder sometimes, what if I wasn't such a douche, maybe I have a boyfriend right now. Did I mention he is also a yoga instructor!

I still wonder today. I still have his number... maybe I should call him.

oh yeah... he deleted his account the 3rd day after we dated. I texted him and asked why. He said he hated that website. It is not real and he wants something real.

I am real and I just really wish I could see something between us. I just can't see it no matter how hard I tried. I guess chemistry and sex aren't everything even when I am young. But what really gives? Talking about having a baby and a family already sound insane to me. So what is the intermediate step there? I dont really know...

I think I should call Rod sometimes. He said he would go to Atlanta for a show for 2 months. Is he back to LA yet? He probably has a cute boyfriend by now already.

Conversation at the gym

it is between me and my trainer. trainer = T me=me.

Scene 1, first 5 mins at the gym warming up before my routine with my trainer.

me, "i noticed that you guys started to hire a lot of gay receptionist, what is up with that."

T, "I know."

me, "like the new guy he is pretty cute and gay for sure."
me, "now you got two gay front desk people with the ladies, gay it up."

T, "yeah but one of them doesn't know he is gay."

me, "what do you mean. you mean the new one doesn't know?"

T, "no, the tall one."

me, "you kidding?"

T, "man I dont know, he is either not comfortable or just really is clueless."

me, "but he is sooo gay."

Lady next to us doing cardio, "wow, really. just like on the weekend, there was this super fem guy talking about how much he loved my nails and wanted to dance with me."

me, "aww I hope he realizes it soon, that is horrible."

T, "yeah I know. like he still tells me which girl is so hot and stuff, i am like you've got to be kidding me."

me, "aww such a clueless sweety..."

---

scene two

on the bench doing bench press.

T, "so peter knows that you gay now too."

me, "wait who?"

T, "your first trainer, the one you fired."

me, "oh, he didn't already know? who told him now then."

T, 'ah... I kinda did. I just mentioned it, and he was like now it makes sense."

me, "wait what? what does he mean by that?"

T, "I don't know..."

(by all means, if I don't want to show, no one would know).

me, "hmmmm..."

T, "what?"

me, "that kinda bugs me, should I confront him about that?"

T shrugs.

---

Scene three,

10 mins later, at another bench doing shoulders.

I saw that asshole trainer Peter training someone.

So I said hi, and then interrupted their routine.

me, "so what do you mean by 'that makes so much sense now.' "

Peter, "huh?" (his client looked on)

me, "T just told you that I was gay, and you said 'that makes so much sense now, what the hell do you mean by that?'"

....

Peter, "nothing, you know, nothing."

I laugh, "uh huh..." (his client looked on)

T blushed, Peter looked awkward, client was confused. Harrassment accomplished.

---

Scene 4

10 mins later doing biceps.

me, "it still bugs me."

T, "what does."

me, "he made that comment, that is kinda insulting and annoying."

T, "oh"

putting the weights down, my expression changed a little, with a smirk on my face

me, "I think I should sue him so that he would be fire for discrimination, I am sure the gym will drop him in a heart beat. Yeah, I think I should, since I have the rights and discretion and all."

T looked a bit concerned and confused if I was joking or not,

"wow, I guess we know not to piss you off."

me, "come on, this town is run by gays, especially this gym, as you know full well. It is LA, pissing off gays would be a bad idea I think."

Then I laughed, so he knew I was joking, sorta

---

Scene 5

T, "what do you mean this is too heavy, we did it before how come you think it si too heavy now."

me, "it is 100 lb bar! I couldn't do deadlift on it, but I think I can do it now. It is a bit too heavy to maintain my form."

T, "let me see how you do it."

demonstrated.

T, "remember to push your ass back out, you know like this, like way extended, like this."

me, "like ready to get fucked?"

T, "precisely."

me, "alright, now i get it."

---

Scene 6

In the meeting room.

T, "take off your shirt let me evaluate your body."

took the shirt off.

T, "omg, wow. just kidding."

Fingers waving.

T, "I think you made great progress, like the arm, shoulders etc, you should be happy about all the good results, just try to do more cardio from now on. Good job, but you are still kinda fat."

me, "thanks T, I like you too."

the end

life doesn't stop

My life has been pretty routine. Routine is a good thing in many ways. It reinforces discipline. But routine is also dreadful, boring, and scary at the same time. I have been working, then working out, then sleeping everyday. It feels pretty mechanical. However, I am comfortable to do so because I still feel that I am not going to do this for the rest of my life. The unsettling feeling, the drive to continue to move forward has never weakened even though the routine has pretty much settled in my life. I think I would be pretty scared one day that I feel content at what I am doing. I think I would be scared to feel content at any moment for that matter. Being content means you have reached the top and the only thing left to do is to wait till death slowly arrives. That, is pretty scary.

As everyone, including myself, settling into routines after routines, life does however changes in many major ways. You could really see it and feel it if you just stop for a second and look at what has become routine that were never there before. Then you wonder, how the hell did it come to this point.

--

A really close friend of mine got into a heated argument with me about half year ago and we stopped talking for 5 months. I felt like that we reached a point where we are all old enough to have too much self respect to tolerate stupid nonsense from each other. She knew what she wanted and I knew how I wanted to be treated. So I was ready to move on. She wasn't going to apologize and i wasn't going to talk to her untill she does. Yeah sounds immature. But let's just say that I really had my reasons. What really pissed me off was that out of all the possible scenarios, she chose to believe that I overacted due to my jealousy. Anyways... so we stopped talking for 5 months. I thought I was fine. I mean I was busy with all my routines, work, working out, going out, random sexes (not as much as I should have though), snowboard... whatever that the so called life has to offer. I thought I totally moved on. However, about 1 month ago, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about her subconciously. Three weeks ago, I had a dream in which we were hanging out like the old times. We laughed and laughed. We laughed so hard that our abs were having a good workout. That is really how we used to laugh and it felt so good in the dream. My dream ended in laughters and when I woke up, the sense of satisfaction and happiness still lingered. 2 hours later at work, I saw her name on msn messager. So I was like what the hell, I should really follow my heart. So I said hi and she replied instantly. I told her about my dream and she responded with her cute attitude. Everything felt good. Our conversation was short and sweet and I was really happy that whole day.

--

She called me today at lunch time. i didn't recognize the number but I knew that voice the first second I heard it. She just came back from Asia and she was really tired. So I told her to call me anytime soon to hang out.

Since we stopped talking, I have wondered what she was up to occasionally. Did she take the job from Dior? Is she still with her not so impressive boyfriend? I didn't ask any of those questions in our brief conversations online or on the phone.

Another friend of mine recently told me that she was still with her boyfriend due to her updated pictures on facebook. I actually checked her profile one day before my friend told me that and her status was "single" when I checked. Today when I logged on again, it's changed to "engaged". Then I checked her pictures. Apparently, she didn't not only go to Asia for vacation but also has brought her boyfriend back to her home and met with her parents. I was a bit startled. I have really examined our rocky relationship from our small arguments here and there to that big confrontation. Was I jealous of her boyfriend? Was I dissatisfied with the lack of attention that I once commanded from her? After some soul searching, I can confidently say it is neither. I think if I had a sister, it'd be just like her. She is probably the only person that I can truly say that I will not get jealous of. I don't know. I guess if you really love someone, that love can really be unconditional. I think I really did have a little bit taste of how having siblings feels, or maybe even how being a parent feels. Maybe that is why I was so mad that she accused me of being jealous since I felt all along that both of us knew jealousy would be the most unlikely issue between us.

So why does the "engaged" status bother me? After all, it is facebook. People engaged each other all the time. I mean if I take that seriously, I might just as well take John McCain seriously. I guess suddenly I felt a bit old. I felt the routines in my life and the decisions that I made have affected my life. The youngest in my group that I have ever known has just introduced her boyfriend to her parents and possibly got engaged over a winter trip. The baby is doing something so ... mature? I don't want to use the word mature because I think mature is peace of mind; it is a mental stability that can only come with experience and age. I guess the right description should be "adult like"? It is mature but it is kinda like an act. Anyways that is besides the point. If I had hopes about of us getting back to how we used to be, like the almost nine years that we have known each other, are all lost. People are truly moving on to all directions as they age and everything is bound to change. It is like how we are created. A sperm and an egg get together then the cell start to split split and split. It is inevitable and the result is something alive. I guess it is good?

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Tomorrow is V-day. Inevitably I feel a bit down since I do not have a Valentine. I actually never had a valentine. Before coming out it is the struggle of just balancing a normal life; after coming out, it is the struggle of not having casual meaningless sex. What I really want is someone who can make me feel safe. I think I have always felt like everything will inevitably change no matter how hard you try and relationship is something that is working against this nature of human being. In that sense I have no faith in relationship and despite that I may appear to be very friendly and confident at times, I feel so fragile inside. I need someone to show me that change is not a route that we have to go down no matter what happens. I need someone to show me that peace of mind or least to bring that hope. Living in LA, without that blind confident and faith, plus the perpetual self-doubts, esteem issues, it is just really tiring sometimes. As the night approaches, my hope seems to be so fragile and naive.