Monday, November 13, 2006

A drunken mess

I dont normally get drunk because I know that I can't hold my liquor well when I take shots, the only way I know how to drink. I usually try my best to not to drink too much in the public because I know it is just not a good picture to look at. But last Saturday was different, it was the USC football homecoming game. Michele was going to the game for the first time. Despite the fact that USC screwed their students for this semester with the disgusting seat shortage (8k student seats are reduced to 4k AFTER spirit season tickets are sold out, classy), and we were pretty sure that we weren't gonna get the tickets, we still decided to get drunk and go support. Hester brought a brand new bottle of Tequila Patron. It was the larger package too. We didn't waste anytime. With our determination, we finished the bottle in about 1 hour, and the rest just went from a happy time to a drunken blur and then all I knew was that the whole situation turned very ugly. I even thought to myself, "I will regret this, ha ha ha." But it was too late.

Now I reflect on what has happened, and I don't really know what happened. Before even when I was extremely drunk, I haven't been this relentless and this brutally intrusive. I wrestled a guy to the floor and all I could think about was how good it would feel if he could fuck me. He was clearly straight and his friends who were also Michele's new found friends were pretty shocked. Hester passed out but had sudden spurs of energy which transformed into different displays of her remaining life source. She would suddenly ran and swirl and then fall like a dead leaf. We then screamed, ran, and passed out more on campus near Tommy Trojan. I know that I kissed a lot of people, people who were probably more happy if they were left alone. But I dont know what it was that just kept fueling me to do all these crazy things. It is more than achohol.

Eventually we ended up back to Michele's place. I hardly remembered how we went back. I felt bad that she had to stay to make sure that we were ok. I know it is highly immature and definitely not something that I do on purpose, but I really do enjoy being taken care of. I think it is Peter Pan syndrome, or maybe because I have no siblings. Being taken care of feels good. But of course I would always return this kind of favor in some other way. I need to snap out of this phase, it is getting old fast. I am afterall 23 already.

That was the night. The second day, I spent the whole day hanging out with Dodonna. She is going back to Taiwan for vacation pretty soon. She bought me two really nice shirts for Christmas sicne she is not gonna be here around that time. So we decided to shop for her present. I ended buying her a pair of Juicy flats and a eyeliner thingy with 5 different colors. She was really happy. It is so cute when she is happy. I dont know, I really wished that she was my real sister, then I could open up even more and give her more love. I know it sounds strange that you have to "give" love; it sounds so material and superfacial, but I think realistically speaking, love is given, it doesn't just happen so naturally and romantically. It is never ideal. Anyway, she was buying some Xmas tree decor items for her co-workers and managers. The sheer amount of different combinations of colors and patterns of globes totally consumed her. So I just started to check out people. I saw this guy. Very clean, with sandles on, which are my favorite thing since they show feet, and I think guys with clean and bare feet are so fucking hot. He was older than I was for sure, a bit gay vibe but still masculine. I dont know I think he is the boyfriend type. So I just kept staring back and later I just stared at him. Seriously, I got more excited than having sex in some way. This is like taboo lol...I am like totally checking out a guy in a public area. It is a bit more than I could handle. It is thrilling and fun like a hide and seek. I am sure he noticed that I was checking him out and he did look back at my direction. But there was nothing, I dont think there was connection or anything since he didn't smile or make more eye contact. I couldn't talk to him either since Dodonna is still clueless about my sexuality.

But that made me think. I think I am becoming more and more ruthless and brave. Coming out is definitely a process, it takes time. I feel like I am learning how to swim. I had the first diving-in and choked in water experience, and now I am just treading lightly in some shallow water that I can handle. It is a new found freedom. The more I explore in this realm, the less I care about what other people think I guess. That is why I openly "molested" that guy on campus, thanks to the extra push from achohol. I feel bad for him though. I messaged him today on facebook and later added him to my friend's list. Hehe, hopefully he would accept. He is pretty cute, also boyfriend type. I dont know, the whole weekend was pretty fun till I started to get sobered up. The more sober I got, the more embarrassed I felt, and I think I could have introduced myself as a gay dude on our campus more graciously than that...

But anyway, USC won the game vs Oregon, and because of the fallout of bunch other schools, we are ranked at #3 again. We will have a good shot at the title game again. This is a bit insane. What if it really happens? That would be a truly glorious come back. Let's hope it happens.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Brothers and Sisters

I am not a much of a TV person. I dont know, I just dont' think TV is a good kind of entertainment. But I have to admit, TV is getting better and better. Anyway, I am only aware of the TV show Brothers and Sisters because the heavy promo that god damn ABC puts out there. The show never really grabbed my attention. The whole theme, the problems in upper class all-American family don't sound very necessary to watch. But today's episode is pretty good actually.

The story goes like this. The family was having crisis, the father in the family embezzled 15 million dollars before he passed away and now the family needed to find that much to pay it off. They've decided to sell the ranch they had since the kids were growing up. The ranch was more than just a house of course, it was a memory book that contained all the fun times the family had in all those years. Things like the height panel, football on the ranch, and the tree house that aided 3 of the kids in the family to lose their virginities are all so very precious to everyone. The mother proposed that everyone should go down to the ranch before they sell it but all the kids, I believe there are five of them, didn't want to go. However, long story short they all went on the weekend separately and found themselves in a very awkward but sweet situation. The older son in the family was sterile and he hated the idea of putting another stranger's sperm, despite how close that guy physically or biologically resembled him, in his wife. The couple was having a very hard time dealing with this issue and the family had no idea. In addition, the sterile brother really wanted to be a father when he grew up. In fact, he wanted to become a dad just like his who raised a picture-perfect all-American family. Now his dream was in shambles and he became so desperate to keep his essence or at least the family essence in his next generation, so he asked his gay brother to help him. The gay brother, to everyone's surprise refused to help. He thought that the only reason that his older brother asked him instead of their youngest brother was because of the fact that he was gay so he was "incompetent" of bringing up his own child. He also thought that interchanging the sperm of brothers to bring a child to the family would cause a lot of chaos and definitely not "normal" and conventional. Toward the end of the episode, his sister, who was played by the girl who played Ally McBeal, told him that he shouldn't really think this way. She understood that although the family was very accepting when he came out to the family and pretty much grew up as a gay man (which I think it is the sweetest thing on earth, having brothers and sisters and they are all accepting who you really are), he still felt extremely lonely (yeah... what about people like me). He really didn't want this to happen to the child and that was why he felt this untraditional practice would put everything in jeapody. The sister said that it should be ok since if they still couldn't get over this, then what kind of difference this generation could bring to the next. It would be the right thing to do to break the traditional barriers and let the children grow up in a truly equal environment where one could really dream and chase the endless possibilities.

I know this idea is so ideal and makes great and cheesy TV. But I just think it is so sweet. People are so anal in our society today. It is election time again and we see all the politicians spending millions of dollars to pretty much duel it out in the political boxing ring. Many of them are running for the government and proposing policies just for the sake of proposing policies. Even more disturbing is that a lot of the conservative politicians are actually standing up for a very large number of people who share the same belief. I sometimes seriously think that we are still living in the Spanish Inquisition age or something. We have all these technologies and world is changing so fast that how can people still be battling over whether or not stem cell research is moral when millions of millions people are dying from genetic diseases, AIDS, and cancer. Why is being gay still an issue to anyone. What happened to the freedom that everyone so casually slaps on their faces and representing themselves as the best race on earth---Americans. This is how scary it is. Yes, American has become a race. It is no longer a nationality. American stands for too many things nowadays that it cannot be considered as a merely nationality. That is why we are so vain and arrogant. We vowed to lead the world to a better tomorrow and at the same time we turn the other cheek. We fought for human rights endlessly and our president has vowed to ban gay marriage. Oh! the hypocrisy and the irony. If there is a God, he must be really happy, because his creations are such amusing little dumb puppies. I am sure we make a good laugh for the old one up there.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I guess you can't be too mad when you spoil someone and they get used to it

I guess it is not so much of a parade; it is more like an open space party. Tonight, Michelle, Hester and I went to West Hollywood for this huge Halloween parade. Kiisfm was actually there hosting this out door concert. Kevin Faggot was there too. I can't believe people are this delusional nowadays. Does he even do anything except for giving white people bad names?

Anyways, today's been crazy. The company's Halloween event drained me. I screamed for 3 some hours and when I made it back home, I had a big headache. When I was gonna take a nap, Hester kept calling me. I don't even remember what she called me for, I just remembered that when I said I was taking a nap, I was already very phased out, and when I fell asleep, she called me two more times. I was very annoyed by that. But it was not big deal. I had a great nap, which somehow gave me another dizzy headache after I woke up. It was thinking, ok time to go I guess. I got Michelle's message around 6:40pm saying that she talked to Hester and they agreed that 8:00pm would be a great time to meet at Michelle's place. By then I already got so lazy and didn't feel like moving. But a plan is a plan, and I got to stick with it. So I just waited till around 7:10pm to check up on Hester to see if she wanted me to pick her up. She sounded in a frenzy on the phone, I thought she was trying on her outfit. She said that she would be ready soon. So I hanged up and kept waiting. I ended up calling her around 8:30pm since she never called me back. She said that she was ready to go and because her nephew had his first Halloween ever, so she had to go. Hmm, I was like at least you could have said that on the phone, so I wouldn't be in this ready to go mode for 1 hour and made Michelle to be in the same mode for more than 1 hour. But whatever, we were going. In the car, we were just talking about random stuff. She talked about the David guy we met back in the Abbey and she takled about how he had a daughter and how mature he was etc. I think she liked him, except for the child part. The trip to Michele's place didn't really take long. We got there around 9:00pm

Met Michelle, same old thing, talked about what went on in the day, and how lazy we got lol...Then Michelle took 5 shots in a roll, and Hester and I both took one shot each. It was enough to get me in the mood already. So after much lagging, we finally moved out of the house. Hester dressed up like an angel. IMO she looked more like a pink faerie. Long story short, we got to the parade. It was so awesome. The part that impressed me the most was the openess of gay people, and THERE WERE SO MANY GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING HOT GUYS. god damn it, when I think about them right now, I just want to do something biological like fucking, sucking, or pee... I dont know why I want to pee but they just make me feel so happy.... Some of the guys had absolutely perfect body.

Three of us started to wander around, and checking out the scene. I am a pretty easy going guy, especially this whole thing is so new, I was just glad for being there. My mind was busy and my eyes were even busier. This was a good time for me already. While we were walking, I suddenly spotted Hoviar whom Michelle'd been trying to get hold of. With HAvior, there was a very cute, and masculine guy named Jeremy. Ah,... he is very much of my type, and if he wanted it we could have boned right there in some restaurant bathroom. He was Wolfirine and he had the muscle to be one too. But Havior told me that he was straight. Ok he was pretty manly, but he just looked gay. I can't explain it, he wasn't feminine or anything but he just had the gay vibe, and pretty strong too. But they both assured me that he was straight. Oh well, what a waste piece of meat. Hester was dancing with Jeremy for a while and we were taking a lot of pictures. It was pretty cool to see all these people in characters. It felt great because people were just happy, and they were just people, there were no boundries like gays, straights, or whatever else. I liked it, it felt very cozy, almost like a home-like feeling to it.

We then walked around, and Javior spotted an Italian twink. He looked so young that I thought he was at this illegal age. But he was a 19 pre-med student. I didn't think he was all that cute, but when Havior hit it off with him really well, I felt the sudden urge to compete. I dont know, I know i am stupid.... anyway, meanwhile Michelle and I kept talking. We talked a lot of stuff. I teased her that Hester was so cute but all she could do was to watch lol, I know that is mean and I will probably burn in hell, but it was so obvious haha. But then we also talked about how people were so cute and how there weren't cute girls for her etc. How she missed JC, and how it was fun to see all these.

It is very different talking to Michelle. She is older, and she is gay, so the understanding and connection between me and Michelle are very different from my other friends. It is homo-different. It is beyond just a type of friendship. It is a recognition. I seriously think all gay people have this connection. It is really a recognition of a lifestyle. We are minorities and on some level, especialy for closet people, meeting another gay friend who you can connect with is like finding a cult that you feel you belong to whole heartedly. It is really different from being a friend with, Hester, or Greg or whoever. When straight people dominate the world, we gays are so repressed that we are almost not allowed to talk about same sex topics in the public, I mean topics like who they think it is hot etc. because other people would think it is so gross and nasty. Consdiering this, I think we should at least have a night to talk about our things like gays are hot etc in a parade in West Hollywood. I really believe that we at least deserve this much. But Hester doesn't understand this, and maybe other straight people don't understand this, and I do not know why that is so hard to understand. If people say they just can't understand this, then I think they are just extremely arrogant and selfish. But again, I guess I can't really blame Hester for her behavior because I think I for one spoil her.

Hester is a very pretty girl with a good personality, and she doesn't have a lot of attitude and demands. So I really think she is an ideal girl to hang out or date. So most of the time, I wouldn't mind what she does. Being late, cancelling plans on last minutes etc. I really don't think she does these casually without consideration and if it happens, then she must have no choice. All the social activities we had together have been great. There was no drama-my #1 enemy, and there was no attitude-my #2 enemy. But from day one, I just have always been expecting a day that she would pull one of these two things. And tonight was the night. Because Michelle and I were talking about all these gay stuff and sometimes commented on how pretty she was, Hester felt neglected. People would probably feel neglect if they were in Hester's position. But she really shouldn't be. First of all, whenever we hang out, she is always the center anyway, and second even when we have our little gay talks, we always throw in some nice comments about her, so she was never being neglected. In addition, she was busy working the scene - dancing with Jeremy, taking pictures with interesting dresed-up people and just random cute guys. She was having such a good time, we really didn't feel like to interrupt. So we were having our little conversation. Hester would occasionally turn around say "what are you talking about" in her 10 seconds break from all the activities she was engaging, and then she would go back to whatever she was doing again. But toward the very end, she suddenly got all serious and mad about it. She thought, from my understanding, that she was either being left out of the converstaion or the converstaion was about her all the time, and she didn't want us talk behind her back. I think either way, it was just bizarre, and it was even more outrageous she got all pissy about it toward the end. I mean how could she. I am like treating her like a good friend and a little funny sister whereas Michelle is taking care of her like a guardian, like a mom, especially that night when she was drunk. The one night that we were talking about some gay stuff AND she was busy with all those pictures etc, she got mad at me? That is just insane. Besides, whenever she needed attention from any of us, we turned our attention right to her immediately. I am sorry but I just don't believe she had any right to be mad. I was even more angry toward the end when I remembered that since she really wanted to go clubbing in Shag, I even offered to drop her off to her friends in Hollywood and pick her up later when she is done with partying. And now she is all pissy about we didn't devote our 100% conversation to her. She must be fucking kidding me. This reminded me of KIKI immediately. This is so typical of Kiki back then. The only difference is that they would treat the same situation with different approach. Kiki would just get lost with some guys and we won't be able to find her and getting all left out and worried, and she would come back later with the guy's number and possibly semen and ready to go home whether you are ready or not. Hester is just pissy and using a more subtle and cute approach. Nevertheless, it is the same shit. I was pretty disappointed and pissed too. More importantly, I feel ridiculous that I even told her that our converstaion wasn't about her or anything that would interest her so she should just have fun and stop being paranoid. But she wouldn't believe me. We love her and care about her and all, but we do have a life and possibly a different conversation that probably won't evolve around her.

So the night ended in a sour note. I was really having fun though because I saw hope for myself. I am getting more comfortable with this public gay thing by the minute and just really absorbing the information. But the night had to end like this. It is really really disapointing and I can't believe this happened involving Hester. I also can't believe her approach was to not talking to any of us and walked really fast ahead of us without stopping. It bugged the shit out of me and that just made me extremely angry. So we didn't talk at all on the way back, and I am definitely not gonna apologize at all. Not even the kind of sorry you say to people just to break the ice. I've done nothing wrong and she had no right to pull this crap at all. Yes I treated her well, and I never got mad at her, So I can't blame her for pushing the limit. But I am mad nevertheless.

Now I am tired and hungry. I really need to sleep now..