The Heat

These past two days have been hot. Yes, my wish has been granted. I hated the chilly weather for the first 3 days in this week and I was grumpy. I was mad at god or whatever that is controlling the weather. I whined and whined about the weather as if I was promised to have a good weather for my birth. But alas, I didn't ask for heat waves like this. It is just mid-April folks and it has reached a freaking 100 degrees here in LA already...

Anyways let me talk about my little weekend. It was eventful yet uneventful and overall a bit depressing at the end because of my weird logic.

Friday

Kee invited me to go to this Yacht party last week and I was pretty excited about it. I even planned to shop for some shirts to attend. Turns out I didn't get time to shop, also there was no Yacht and party was hosted at a steakhouse near the beach area. Too far of a drive and didn't sound all that fun. So I passed on the opportunity. I hung out with Kee quite a bit for the past 2 weeks and it got QUITE boring again. Kee is all around fun gal to hang out with, just not more than two weeks. There is nothing in her head except for sex, guys, shopping, and her boyfriend. She doesn't read news, doesn't care about current event, has no hobby, and just overall not an interesting person once you peel off her pretty facade. I on the other hand has been a little bitch too. I refused to drive to anywhere that she invited me to go so when she wasn't driving I just kinda ditch. So we did our own thing this week and it was feeling kinda good to not to see her and listen to her broken record stories about his bf B. 

So I thought about going to hookah and no one wanted to go. I felt exhausted toward the end of my work day and I thought, what the hell, I am going home first and take a nap and maybe later I would get a call to do something with someone.

Sleep-drove home, hit the sack, and passed out till 10pm. Woke up with a headache and deer in the head light demeanor I wandered downstairs and whined like a little boy for food. By the time I regained my consciousness, and fully fed as well, it was 11pm. No CALLS either. Just freaking fantastic. A bit depressed and annoyed, I logged online and started to talk to these two guys that I have been emailing back and forth. One was this Mexican waiter working in a very small restaurant in downtown area, low profile, career wise is anything but an aphrodisiac. But he talked in this cute fashion and I liked his responsiveness. The other was my prize money! He was this 23 year old guy from UCLA and total frat boy type. Tall (6'3"), built and lean (with picture and current weight 180lb). Did I mention I like big muscular and masculine guys? Yes I really do. So hot and our conversation went extremely well. I exchanged number with both and planned Saturday to meet the waiter and Sunday to meet the hunk.

Saturday

I went to Waiter's den. He was dog sitting for his friend who was in England at the time. Dog was cute, the waiter was ok. He was lean, not too dark, about 2-3 inches shorter than I was. But alas, I drove 20 mins to see this dude, I could compromise. Turned out he wasn't willing. We chatted here and there for like 1 hour and when I wanted to do something he said he was going to leave. Well I couldn't blame him for that because we planned to meet between 430 to 630 since he had a bday party to attend at 630. I got there pass 500, so when I wanted to do something it was already 600. Still I was kinda pissed. Considering in my mind I just compromised for the situation. But if he really wanted to, he would have done something already. He said don't worry we would probably meet again. I was thinking, yeah right, maybe in a mirror universe. Do you know how much the gas is in LA right now, 4 dollars a gallon plus the opportunity cost for 20 mins of driving! Also later I had a car scare... I almost got creamed by this giant bus. All this trouble, I would definitely not see him again. Deleted his number right away, went home, change and attended the ATTACK OF THE GAYS event.

I was invited by this older friend S, whom I met in my gym. He is one of the executive producer (logistic producer, not content) for one of the most popular TV Gossip Magazine Shows on one of the major networks. NOT TMZ, because that would be Harvey Levin, and that would be hot, he has these very cute minions running around in his studios.. ok off topic... Anyways, the event is called the Guerrilla Bars event, or the invasion of the gays. Gay guys would dress in a black shirt/tshirt and all go to one of the popular straight club/bars. The bar and club would not be notified in advance. Sounded pretty fun so I agreed to go. We first met up at his house for drinks. I walked in and I got a big surprise which definitely got me shy right away. There were already about 15-20 guys there. All were old enough to be my dad. I mean my friend S is in his mid 40s so technically he could have had me at 20 and it is totally legit. Naturally, all his friends were around his age. I felt a bit fish out of water not just because the age difference but also because I didn't know anyone! As I walked in, all heads turned and looked at me and I think i just died right there. Like a deer in the headlight again. These gays are all hmmm quality gays I would say? Middle class, well educated, focused, driven, and successful. But unfortunately, very seasoned. They lived through the 70s and 80s and I am just a gay deer newly out in the head light. 

After a brief talking with some of them, I got to know C, working for a giant health care company now. Used to work in the entertainment industry and in my company particularly on the corporate side before he left for health care. Also I talked to this guy R, who is currently working for one of the world largest international media/technology conglomerate. He is the head of the TV marketing. Funny part is that one of his current project's quarterly result would come to my company and fall in my lap and I would further process his work to produce the end-user product for the public. Small world ay?

The bar we went to was called Vive Lounge and it was a really nice place. What was absolutely hilarious was that there was a bridal dinner/party event. So we saw three giant tables of clueless straight people eating and drinking and ready to get their dance on soon at the dance floor. All of sudden, volla, 300 gays showed up dressed in black and start fucking voguing in their face. Finally my deer position was replaced by these poor souls. I didn't feel too bad because the bride... looked like the fucking bride of Chucky, as big as a sumo wrestler, started to poking her giant asses everywhere. It was a sight to behold. 

I was a bit disappointed. There were almost no guys in my age. Not like I would have hooked up with anyone, but I would like to have some fun and checking out hot guys. This time, I had to stay with my group because I am not into daddies. I didn't call them daddies just because I knew they were older, rather, some of them really looked like they were old enough to be my dad and beyond too and not in the hot way either. Ok I think I just sounded like someone who has something against old people. That is absolutely not true. I believe in aging gracefully and naturally. I think a guy who takes care of himself and ages with dignity is extremely sexy, especially the domesticated and family oriented type. In fact I wrote several entries regarding my big big crushes on older guys who already have some grey hair on their head. But when I go to a bar, I can't get blamed when I don't feel too excited to be surrounded by people are all just older. I really felt the disconnected when Like a Virgin was on. The older gays went nuts and voguing again. I found out that Like a Virgin came out one year after I was born sigh...

Ok I am sure there were some 30 year olds but I couldn't tell. 

I was determined to have a good time though. So I danced non-stop for 2 hours and had two drinks and felt dizzy. My friend S was nice enough to take me back to his place early. 

He said I could sleep there if I wanted to. At that moment, I knew what he wanted. He tried once  before... 

The first time I met S was through a french guy at the gym. S just broke up with his 4 year long boyfriend at that time and was ready to drink his sorrow away so we all went out to party. He at that time, also made the same offer to me that night and I politely refused. 

This time I was pretty dizzy from the drinks. Though I could definitely drive home, I felt bad for just leaving like this. 

For the record, I really don't find S attractive at all. He is too short and too chubby for my taste. Plus the age difference - I think he probably 45. He is however known to be genuine and sweet. His last boyfriend was this middle eastern guy who looked like he just walked out from a hardcore gay porn. He was oozing was sexual energy and his body was EXTREMELY sexy. His face was masculine and his gaze was deep and commanding. He had tattoos on his arm and he just looked so freaking hot. I definitely had a crush on this guy. But soon after he broke up with S, he stopped going to the gym in Pasadena and started to go to the one in Weho. 

Anyways, weighting in the pros and cons of staying and thinking I could say no anytime I want if he did something, there was really nothing bad if I stayed just a bit. 

But honestly, I really don't know what made me to make that decision. Here are the possibilities, 

1. Sympathy. He is mid-40. Broke up with someone who he probably thought would spend the rest of his life with. Working hard, and not dating. Lots of the gays who went to party tonight were couples and he wasn't with anyone. If I were him, is it really that much to ask for a young guy like me to just take a nap and cuddle? I really have nothing to lose and I am in control in this situation. A bit generosity would probably make the night perfect for him. 

2. Resonance. Similarly to possibility #1, I could imagine how he feels if I were him. I am afraid of being alone and I want a family very badly at age of 24 already. NO ONE wants to die alone. Being gay isn't our choice but how we live out our lives is really up to us. No one said that gays are bound to be childless and lonely. He is probably having or has already had those panic attacks many times throughout his life. Now on this bed, after a night of drinking in his mid-40s, having someone to sleep over and cuddle is probably just the thing he needed to feel positive even just for a little bit. 

3. Bitterness. I was bitter that stupid waiter didn't jump on me. Yes like I wrote before, when you get rejected you suddenly become interested. How pathetic. I was the one who quickly went through thoughts and judgements based on height, appearance, demeanor, education, career, train of thoughts, responsiveness, and personality in the first 5 mins we met AND MADE COMPROMISE thinking ok he was good enough to have some fun with and then got indirectly turned down. Now I am bitter. omg.... I need to get a grip.

4. Curiosity. I wanted to see how he would do it. Approach me, touch me, talk to me etc. How does he even begin to subtly seduce or ask shall we say for something sexual from someone who is not interested or too young or w/e....

So at the end I was in his bed. He cuddled me and we both actually fell asleep for about half hour. He then suddenly without saying much started to touch my crotch. Soon he was between my legs and blowing me. He was pretty good I have to say. He did everything oral, balls licking, rimming, flickering my thighs with his tongue. It was quite fun to be honest. It is true, once in the dark, everything is the same. Remember that scene from Sex and the City? where Samantha was fucking this 60 some guy for money and she said "he touched like a 40 year old, kissed like a 40 year old, felt like a 40 year old, but omg he has a 60 year old ass", she ran out after seeing that ass. Imagine if there weren't any ass sighting triggers she would have stayed with him longer. For me there was no scene on par with the ass-sighting. I could feel his chubby belly and chest. But overall, it was oral sex at its best. It was nothing but oral. Pure form of this sexual activity. I returned the favor for a little bit. I gave him head. His dick was actually pretty amazing. Long but not too long, thickness was just right and he was extremely hard. Also, he had these GIGANTIC balls. 

We didn't really have sex but after we both came we laid next to each other and talked for a while. About life and relationship what have you. I talked about those 4 potential possibility of why I stayed there in my own words and my own perspectives. He responded to them. I could tell he does want a family but given the background, I don't think he believes in gay family and he is in a way coping with this traumatizing realization as well.

Ok, maybe this is another prime example of me over analyzing. He probably fucked another 20 guys who are 18-22 in the past couple weeks or had crazy monkey sex with some middle eastern porn stars as far as I know. He probably is having a BALL and I am the one who thought he was all still kinda depressed by his situation. omfg, stupid me -_-.....

Before I left, he said oh you are a young charming sweet heart. Gay life can change people, don't change, just be the sweetheart you are. I know what he meant but I still dont know what to make of it... oh right before I left, I said I knew what you wanted the moment I walked in haha. He was jokingly said oh you bitch. But I wasn't sure if he was genuinely surprised or acted surprised...

On the way home, I texted UCLA hunk and asked him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. 

Sunday

Today is shopping day. My friend Dodo, her friend Kevin and I went to Melrose. We were completely petrified by the heat as if it was our first day visiting a place this hot. Kevin bought a French bulldog at that petstore on melrose. Don't remember the name but it was supposed to be a bit celebrity studded place. The dog was 3,000 dollars, cute as a button and expense as hell. 

Meanwhile, I got UCLA hunk's text saying that he forgot that he had his nephew's bday party and apologized twice for not hanging out. I found that cute. We didn't really confirm the sunday fool around schedule yet he took it a bit serious. I liked that and I hope I could see him soon and have uninhibited monkey sex lol~~~ Also, I got a text from S asking me if I got home ok last night. 

Anyways, back to the shopping. AS broke AS I am, I bought a G-star short sleeve button up shirt, white, with two big pockets around the chest area. I would never touch those shirts on my own but dodo told me to try it on. It actually looked quite good. The cut was perfect around my shoulder and the back was fit. It was quite a nice surprise considering the other 4 items I picked out were all flops. It was also quite surprising at the cashier. It was 129 dollars! omg............ Too much ego to say no and too vain to reject a cute shirt, I happily took out my AmEx card... After that I bought another Marc by Marc cheap grey T, this one says "hardcore" in this very very light print cross the chest area. I guess this one would be off limit at work. I already made that mistake once... I wore this grey FCUK tshirt at work and I failed to notice that there was this slogan printed in purple saying "Cool as FCUK". I mean it was already bad enough and then it was interpreted by another coworker as a parody of Queer as Folks. JEEBUS PEOPLE...

Now I am home feeling like I had a heat stroke.... I want another medium sized Pink Berry like the one I had 3 hours ago.... Arrgggg So freaking hot. I think we would just all melt in August... weeee..

conversation with my vp

It is dialogue between two generations of gays. kinda boring you are warned.

----

Me (11:09:48 PM): btw

Me (11:09:51 PM): i was meaning to ask u

Me (11:10:02 PM): someone wrote the answer on the white board

Me (11:10:17 PM): the answer to the question "what are looking forward to when the weather is warmer"

Me (11:10:23 PM): someone said fresh fruits

Me (11:10:26 PM): and someone wrote down

Me (11:10:28 PM): who is a fruit

Me (11:10:34 PM): ok that is kinda bad u know

Me (11:10:49 PM): but someone with humor covered his ass saying "who isn't"

Me (11:10:50 PM): was that u

Me (11:10:55 PM): who wrote who isn't>?

Me (11:11:19 PM): BTW the black temp that i thought was your new assistant WAS gay omg my gaydar was S?O on coz i got the vibe from him

vp (11:12:11 PM): I saw it this evening. Playing editor - i erased the who's the fruit part. It is not the first homophobic thing i've had to erase

vp (11:12:35 PM): i left the first part - but erased the who's a fruit part

vp (11:12:46 PM): no tolerance

Me (11:12:49 PM): u should confront it

Me (11:12:53 PM): write down

Me (11:13:07 PM): homophobic should not be tolerated - sr. management

Me (11:13:40 PM): most likely it is some young guys in the office

Me (11:13:48 PM): i am pretty worked up with the gay rights thing lately

vp (11:13:50 PM): you might be right. the white board should be kept light

Me (11:14:01 PM): after seeing the lawerence king case

Me (11:14:11 PM): he was shot in the head by a 14 year old twice and dead 2 days later

Me (11:14:14 PM): for being who is omg

Me (11:14:18 PM): for god's sake

Me (11:14:23 PM): he was so brave to be who he is

Me (11:14:29 PM): i thinkw e really need to more as adults

Me (11:14:35 PM): in an industry running by gays

Me (11:14:39 PM): i mean if we can't do that much

Me (11:14:46 PM): i don't know what else we could do u know

vp (11:15:04 PM): we won't change people's mind by telling them what to think

vp (11:15:12 PM): we just need to live our lives

vp (11:15:22 PM): and be there, gay and normal

Me (11:15:26 PM): that is for sure but shouldn't we also confront it?

Me (11:15:42 PM): instead of i dont kjnow like hiding it

vp (11:16:00 PM): something for me to think about

vp (11:16:19 PM): my generation was more used to hiding it

vp (11:16:23 PM): but that is no excuse

Me (11:16:43 PM): i just feel that if WB and Disney can't let the gays be who they are without being harrassed one way or another, we are just really not gonna move forward anymore. kinda sad

Me (11:16:53 PM): i am telling u

Me (11:16:54 PM): sometimes

Me (11:17:03 PM): one simple action puts so much hope in a young person

Me (11:17:13 PM): like harvey milk

Me (11:17:33 PM): who said that there would be hope for the gays because he will fight it for them, i think that prevented a lot of suicides

Me (11:18:01 PM): at least one person who survived his depression now lived to write a book about him and now the movie is in production by sean penn

vp (11:18:44 PM): i often forget there is homophoobia out there these days.

vp (11:19:30 PM): i work in an environment where most people either know, don't care or are respectful of my corporate position

Me (11:19:31 PM): i read towleroad

vp (11:19:36 PM): and then i live in weho

Me (11:19:44 PM): basically u will see at least one gay bashing a day on that simple news outlet

vp (11:19:56 PM): so sad

Me (11:20:01 PM): yeap

Me (11:20:34 PM): so u know i just think in los angeles the most gay friendly town in the world, in the entertainment industry the gay industry

Me (11:20:39 PM): shouldn't we the gays rule the place

Me (11:20:49 PM): i think it is appropriate to make at least a stance

Me (11:21:11 PM): i mean it is not even an confrontation it is a mere stance

Me (11:21:21 PM): now i regret that i dind't put anything on the board.

vp (11:21:50 PM): i think if i were in the insurance business in tulsa, i would not have a picture of my bf on my deak. ok i'm sober now

vp (11:22:12 PM): well, maybe we both learned something then

Me (11:23:10 PM): yeah

Me (11:23:16 PM): i just think at least for ME

Me (11:23:23 PM): i can't take all the comfort for granted

Me (11:23:36 PM): i feel that a lot of people got bashed or died or depressed over the years

Me (11:23:44 PM): indirectly for me to at least to come out for my mom

Me (11:23:52 PM): i don't think i would have if i didn't attend that GLAAD award

vp (11:24:02 PM): i have seen so much change of the last 20 years that the same triumphs seem like a big deal to me - the just being out and not too weird about it so huge to me

vp (11:24:14 PM): small triumphs

vp (11:24:31 PM): you kids today!!!

Me (11:24:35 PM): i know man

Me (11:24:38 PM): i am just anal

Me (11:24:42 PM): i swear to u

vp (11:24:47 PM): so you've told me

Me (11:25:07 PM): there are so many people are just apathetic

vp (11:25:36 PM): in the gay world? apathetic

Me (11:26:30 PM): i think it is kinda like that in america a lot of people are

Me (11:26:33 PM): but see that is good about americans

Me (11:26:40 PM): people are allowed to dream and be passionate about things

Me (11:26:55 PM): so we got these lazy sloth who just leech on others' fruits and taking advantages

Me (11:27:05 PM): there are elites who make differences one step at a time

Me (11:27:21 PM): like erin brokwich etc u know brave stories

vp (11:27:51 PM): but her story was actually one of small steps

vp (11:28:00 PM): we can all be a little bit like that

vp (11:28:13 PM): even if it just means writing something on a white board

Me (11:28:21 PM): yeap

Me (11:28:25 PM): that is my whole point

Me (11:28:42 PM): i was reading that thing today for a while

Me (11:28:54 PM): smile on my face but the expression was really forced i was pretty bugged by it

vp (11:30:44 PM): sorry, that's why i erased it. it was offensive. if i knew who wrote it, obviously as a human being and one of the dept heads, it would get confronted. sorry you had to deal with it

Me (11:31:14 PM): oh no i am talking to u as a friend and young homo right now. not as an employee u know

Me (11:31:20 PM): i am sure u are just as bothered

Me (11:31:30 PM): but u are weathered. u deal it very differently

Me (11:31:41 PM): u have more patience and tolerance

vp (11:31:59 PM): i was bothered and sadened, but not totally shocked.

vp (11:32:13 PM): some people have shit for brains

Me (11:32:27 PM): i know

Me (11:32:30 PM): i think they eat shit too

Me (11:32:42 PM): i

vp (11:32:43 PM): lol

Me (11:32:53 PM): kinda try to push tolerance in my small ways as well

vp (11:34:17 PM): you just need to live your life. some people won't like it no matter what you do. some people will love and some will not, but that is mostly their problem.v

p (11:34:30 PM): let them say what they want - we will be there to protect each other

vp (11:34:53 PM): so say the cookie of our tribal counsel

vp (11:35:09 PM): council?

vp (11:35:13 PM): whatever

Me (11:38:21 PM): yeah i was saing i am pushing tolerance in my small ways too

Me (11:38:23 PM): like today

Me (11:38:32 PM): i had dinner with jason with his gf together

Me (11:38:36 PM): and we were talking about fraternity

Me (11:38:41 PM): and after talking about it

Me (11:39:07 PM): i said oh u know in usc we have openly gay fraternity now. like this one with 90 members with 15 members. i think that is a good step. more diversed and definitel the right step

Me (11:39:17 PM): apparently they werne't on the same boat but they could only agree

Me (11:39:35 PM): in LA, understanding and tolerance is actually something cool to talk about

vp (11:46:28 PM): it is a relatively progressive place, but perhaps it can make us (me) too complacent at times.

vp (11:46:50 PM): that's why you are in my life, in part, to help me remember

Me (11:47:07 PM): i know

Me (11:47:14 PM): but i think at least for u

vp (11:47:15 PM): that there is a white board out there that still needs to be responded to

Me (11:47:16 PM): u earned it

Me (11:47:18 PM): u went thru that

Me (11:47:37 PM): not everyone has to live a life like a pheonix

Me (11:47:58 PM): that is why i still have some respect for a lot of politicians even tho they talk shit out of their mouth

Me (11:48:55 PM): omg seriously i might call in sick somehow my throat is kicking too

Me (11:48:59 PM): i don't know what triggered this

Me (11:49:07 PM): i suspect if it is the miedicine i took...

vp (11:49:20 PM): we both need to go to bed

vp (11:49:22 PM): what medicine

Me (11:49:28 PM): the tylone and advil

vp (11:49:35 PM): me, the pusher?

Me (11:49:36 PM): maybe it messed up my immue response

Me (11:49:38 PM): yes!

vp (11:49:42 PM): OMG

vp (11:49:51 PM): how un=fierce

Me (11:50:01 PM): lol

vp (11:50:11 PM): go to bed, have a good night, stay well

Me (11:50:11 PM): i haven'g got a cold or bug for like 3-4 years

Me (11:50:15 PM): thx for breaking the streak

Me (11:50:21 PM): ok u go have sex

Me (11:50:24 PM): ok?

Me (11:50:27 PM): u'd better have some sex -_-

vp (11:50:32 PM): and if you feel well enough, i'll see you tomorrow

Me (11:50:34 PM): swallow some jizz etc

vp (11:50:39 PM): night

vp (11:50:51 PM): and tasty too

Me (11:50:53 PM): lol

Me (11:50:55 PM): night night

The GLAAD media award

As I mentioned in the previous post, I ended up going to the retreat. It wasn't bad at all.

Our group was about 40 people large and most of them are pretty gay. There was one guy who can pass as metrosexual/eurotrash and he was really really hot. But we never talked beh. The whole event was organized by the LGBT and most of the attendees already knew each other either from the LGBT organization or the rainbow floor on campus. The rainbow floor is... i guess a residential building that is predominately occupied by gays. I felt a bit like an outsider. They always canoodling with each other with the scandalous details from their past parties/events. But overall I didn't mind and it was a pretty good trip.

Early Saturday morning, we met on campus. Freaking USC Trojan Marching Band was practicing. It was so annoying. The entire area was shaking with random beats. It was loud. The sun was bright and the sound was deafening. I just felt a bit nauseated by all these physical stimulation's. The contrast was clear. Hundreds of band members were playing instruments in their uniform and in front of them, 40 colorful gays and lesbians and a couple transgender. yum..... It felt.. interesting. A bit exposed but I guess that was the whole idea. We divided into groups and drove separately to Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood.

It was a very swanky hotel. I didn't know how they got the budget but whatever, that was no reason for complains haha. We got there around 9:30am and started the activities right away. It was basically a whole day of interaction with education agendas. We talked about power issues, gender issues, transgender/transsexual, leadership, and supports. Lots fun activities but some lame ones too. Overall I think it was good enough to call it a success and I sincerely support this kind of events. It was really eye opening and I no longer felt so alone. I never knew that there were that many categories of ... people out there. Gays, Lesbians, Transgender, these are all the common ones. But they always talked about definitions of queers, gender queer and generation queer. It was unheard of for me and I was glad to receive these knowledge. Honestly I did have more tolerance now. With more understanding I am less freaked about drag queens and people who look gender ambiguous.

We then changed into our business attire around 5:30pm and headed to the GLAAD media award around 7:00pm. Lots hot guys around and so many people it was a bit overwhelming. We sat on the balcony which was a pretty decent distance from stage. But my overall impression of the venue -- Kodak theater-- was small. There were two big flat screen monitors hanging around so that we could see the presenters on the stage. A lot of inspiration and a lot of exciting segments. It was my first ever award show in my life and it was a gay one. I would say it was pretty meaningful for me. Some surprise guests that made the crowd go nuts. The first presenter was TR. Knight from Grey's Anatomy. I didn't understand why he was so frightened by the crowd. Nervous, that would be an understatement. He was so close to choke the whole thing. You could literally hear the cracks in his voices. Man, the crowd loved him but I guess he was overwhelmed. But he is an actor for god's sake, shouldn't public speaking be a piece of cake for him? That didn't make sense for me. The second big guess that really surprised people was Ben Aflect. Then Lance Bass's dedication to the Martina Navratilova brought down the house. Lance Bass couldn't speak for literally two minutes. The boy looked good, way better than any of his tabloid photo snaps. He looked lean, tanned, and happy. I could only imagine what kind of physical treatment he received in Palm Springs at the White Party just a week ago. Then there was Jake Gyllenhal. Ok yeah that beat Lance Bass. Guys, girls and everything in between was creaming their pants. It was insane. But you can't blame them, have you seen Jake Gyllenhal? Jakey dedicated Vanguard award to Jennifer Aniston. She was a bit controversial. The queens in our group loved her. They imagined to be her best friend so they could talk about guys during brunch. Yes, typical queer's crazy imagination, fancy but unrealistic, just like their expectation of people's body fat %. The more rational ones didn't like her receiving this award because apparently she wasn't fighting for the cause. But I think it was just great that all these high profile celebrities come out and support the group and effort. They seriously do not need to do anything in particular. All they have to do is to attend these shows and look pretty and donate a couple thousand dollars it'd be enough. By contrast, the real fighter, who was also awarded in this show was the Tennis player presented by Lance Bass, Martina Navratilova. She was really inspirational and I really felt supported and touched. It is really good to know that there are people out there not only care but fight for you and for generations to come. We gays do not ask anything more but equality. I like how she said that we do not need tolerance. We tolerate bad weather, and we tolerate diseases, but we do not tolerate people. People need equality and we deserve it. How true.

After the media award. We went back for a bit more activities and ate Panda Express. The food was kinda bad. Not the quality but the quantity. Everyone was starving the whole day and the Panda Express came in a bit too little and too late. Two people from our group snuck in the VIP dinner and one of them got shitfaced. He was already really annoying with his over the top flamboyant attitude, now with alcohol he started to complain about how he didn't give shit about the event he just wanted the party. Yeah... way to screw yourself and shove a bit stinky foot down your throat. With idiots like this, how can I feel completely accepted by my "peers". I am really not like that. It was a bit disappointing. Maybe that is why I still don't feel completely comfortable sometimes because all these stereotypes on TV showing that gays are all superficial and heartless. Some of them are kinda like that. In addition, I still do not know the physical boundaries yet... You know it is different when I am with a girl. The girl wouldn't mind a bit more physical contacts with me because I am gay. But with guys since we could potentially hook up, what would be considered legal to casually do? These gays already knew each other, so you see them on top of each other all the time. But I just didn't feel comfortable enough to do it... Man the constant struggle of isolation. This is getting old.

Bah. good weekend nevertheless. Met some cool people and adding them to facebook. I still can't add too many gay friends because seriously I don't want to come out on the lame facebook.

Jesus....

Isn't he just hot. Abs like that... I wonder if I can ever get that with my life time worth of workout.

Talking about working out. I went to the gym again today, this is my 3rd day in the gym this week. I have been somewhat committed this week. Today was my cardio day and running 20 mins with jogging/sprinting combo was pretty good. Tough, since I haven't done this for a while, but good at the same time because it felt refreshing afterward.

Then the doctor showed up again. I have seen him a couple of times before and then due to my schedule I wasn't able to catch him for a while. Today I saw him again and I decided to talk to him more see if he is indeed gay. Unfortunately my gaydar was way off this time again. Even though he had the vibe but I guess it was just because he was a doctor and he really knew better than average guy at his age. He really has very nice abs and chest. Very nice ones. Despite the fact that I finally figured out his age -- a whooping 44!!! I knew he must has been into his late 30s and 40s despite the fact that he looked like he was still in his early 30s. We kept talking and he told me that he was going through a very costly divorce. You see he wasn't just any doctor' he was a doctor with his own clinic treating couples or singles with infertility issues. Apparently his business took off extremely well, 20 million revenue a year well that is. We talked about how growing up and marriage related to each other, how bad the taxes and social security have gotten, and how sad that when the marriage just wasn't working out for the rich people. Time passed by very fast when talking was involved. I did 25 mins on the elliptical like nothing. Even though I was drenching, I didn't really feel bad at all. This was after 25 mins of jogging/sprinting. Man, even though I can't get in between his legs, I should at least go do cardio with him... But yeah the conversation went on and on and I wad nodding and agreeing. I was like, Yeah hmm huh yes I was sure it was painful that you had to pay your wife 40k a month for alimony but there was no way in the world that I can remotely relate to that. I mean I could barely make 40k a year lol~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ But it was a good talk and my dream has been shattered. Not only he was going through divorce but also fathered TWO children. Insane... Well, still, I have a weak spot for straight guys. lol. omg way to dig a fucking grave for my love life. Should I still ask if I can provide any person assistant to his painful divorce? lol....

Then I talked to this French guy named Franchie, lol... French Franchie. Ok I am a dork. But that is just kinda funny. He is very European. I always see him working out in the gym. Apparently he does work out all the time in the gym. Literally 7 days a week. I guess that is how he got his 0% fat torso. Seriously, 0%. All I see is muscle that looks like it's been carved out of marble on his body. He's got 3 green star tattoos scattered around his 8 packs area. He has this long fuzzy hair and sexy accent. I never talked to him because .. I don't know why I just never have. But today after figuring out that sexy doctor is straight and breeding, I just talked to him. He does VOICE OVER. some strange profession. I guess it must pay really well. He's done work for USC as well and he couldn't stop praising USC staffs. Ok here is the thing, he is totally hot and a bit flamboyant. But that means he is either gay or just being European. He is rocking a pair of Chanel sunglasses. But again when a guy is European all boundaries are blurred. I know that my gaydar has not attuned obviously I don't want to make a fool out of myself by asking. Beh.. we will see what happens.

I finally finished the entire series of Queer as Folk. The whole show is pretty good and truly groundbreaking for its time. It was introduced in late 90s for god's sake. With that much nudity and controversial topic I really have to give it props. Although it inevitably fell into many many pit holes that a gay show would, overall it is a genuine show and realistic. The crap that is showing on Bravo, the Noah's Arch, I have seen one episode and I think it is really bad. Not all gays are queens.

Talking about gays, I attending this thing called Generation Queer event hosted by this dude that I really dislike. But it is a big event hosted by LGBT not by him, so whatever. I am going. It it is a two days retreat at the Renaissance Hotel. Then we will attending GLAAD media award. Business attire required and I think it is annoying considering all we minions will be sitting high up in the balcony that without a special camera the entire show would never see us. We were there probably for the ambiance noises. I am actually bit nervous to go. It is gonna be A LOT of gays. tons of gays, loads of gays. I get a bit nervous because I feel i will be judged constantly. Yeah I am probably insane but I shouldn't be the only one.

I will have to see... maybe after all I couldn't go. Because this host invited me through email, website, AND facebook. I didn't RSVP the facebook invitation because I can't come out like that. So I am not sure if I am on that event list for sure. Oh man imagine I show up with my suit bag and only be told to go home and fuck myself... poor me....

So tired today

I had a trainer session at my gym at 11:00am. The problem, I woke up at 11:00am. I just had a Corporate Tax midterm on Thursday, which was depressing because only 5 out of 26 questions pertained to the chapter I studied the most AND I still managed to get one easy question wrong. I am not looking forward to the score. But anyways... due to the test, I had minimum sleeps on Tuesday and Wednsday and Thursday night I somehow didn't sleep early. The trainer even called me on Thursday night. But, around 3:00am in the morning, in my bed, I said " Beh.. I am gonna sleep my ass off tomorrow". So I did... I woke up exactly at 11:00am and remembered the appointment immediately. Trainer Peter was nice enough and said no problem come right in. I took a shower quickly and drove to Pasadena immediately.

I really thought it was gonna be easy like last time, which was my first free session. I was soooo wrong. We worked out together for 40 minutes in total and I was dying around 30 minutes mark. The exercises only involved light weight trainings like squad, bench press, and abs. I never felt so weak. Toward the end, my legs were shaking, my arms gave out, my forms were out of shape, and I literally ran out of breath. I was choking and I could feel that my muscle really sucked in all the oxygen in my body. I don't know. I talk to the trainers (who happen to be really young here in my gym) all the time and a lot of them are very nice and they help me often here and there. Peter is just different. His exercises are easy and yet hard to maintain. Most importantly I can feel it so much. So... I signed up a 24 session plan which swiped out 1.8k off my credit card instantly. I hope it is worth it!!!! We will see after 3 months. Either I will show off a killer body or kill the trainer.

Right after training, I went to dodo's place and played Bomber Man Generation on Gamecube while she did her 2 hour pre-going out preparation. Then we headed to Gitanna for Hoohak and afternoon meal. It was so chill and the cafe just opened when we got there. It felt good being served as the only customer, hehe, like VIPs. Then we headed off shopping in Pasadena. It's always good to hang out with dodo. She is like my little sister. We can just talk about whatever and always manage to crack each other up. Like we were making chocolate poo pile in Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant) using the left over chocolates today. The gay couple, I only assumed because they were very well dressed and looked so happy together, kept looking at us. Hehe, I think a lot of times I still refuse to grow up and it feels good. That is another reason I love California, I really believe that people can stay young in this sun bathed chosen place. Then we did a bit more shopping.

I don't know. I think the mainstream really gives the gays too little credits. While the "machos and straight as an arrow guys" ridicule gays, they are embracing the homo-erotic A&F products and loving D&G logos proudly on their T-shirts. I don't get it really. Aside from the fashion industry, the cities really should thank gays. It is the gay community that makes West Hollywood a sensation in the nation for its over the top gay nightlife. Though, I hate the "I am so hot" shitfaced people allover the place. But that is just LA in general.. Now Pasadena, the new Beverly Hills in my opinion. It is a place where hip, chill, city, urban, down to earth, and fancy all presented simutaenously. I really love this place because it always gives me this melting pot feeling that is original and very American. A main reason this place has become this way is not only because the city decided to change its image but also because a lot of wealthy Guppies (gay yuppies) are around this area now. They have to make it a bit hip and homo-erotic here and there to attract the true gays and the straight gays. The end result is very successful.

Anyways, we went to urban outfitter after the fondue desert run, and I saw some hot guys in the store, some dressed nice and some dressed hippie. The hippie ones were very scruffy and a bit dirty which somehow made them way hotter than the the clean dressed ones. I think I am just a bit horny. Only wish that my gym had younger guys. I am reading JP Mac from Overnight in Newyork a lot since it's gone live. While he is having all those hot encounters since high school, I am only hooking up in the sauna room at my gym ~:<. I really need to go to more gay places and really get into the scene. Still terrified, still trying. hehe that is my slogan for now. After I left dodo's place around 10pm. I went to a Brazilian club called Cafe Banzza. I used to work for Disney Consumer Product, a division of Disney Company but handles the business side, such as accounting, finance, packaging etc. An intern who used to work with me on the same floor invited me to that party. It was his last day today and hence the party. I worked there for 6 months and left 1 month earlier than he and now he is leaving for Deloitte Consulting department. beh I am so jealous...... and I am really happy for him. He is so smart and working very hard. Anyways, I was already exhausted from all the running around during the day but then I felt bad for not going. So I drove out the westwood area and got in the club. It is actually very refreshing though the room smelled like an active hot yoga room. People were geniunely having fun. Girls were dancing, guys were dancing, and bouncers were not checking ID. It was great. Unlike Hollywood, the "live it up", "over the top", "I am Linsay Lohan wanna be" kinda mentalities were no where to be found. The music was great and incredibly loud. I really loved it. But the people from Disney wanted to go to a bar. They got bored of the dancing I guess. Btw, this black guy named Chris, he is so good looking top and such a good dancer. Too bad he is not gay. They decided to go to a bar in Santa Monica. I just drove 30 miles to this thing and I only stayed there for 1 hour. I really didn't feel like driving again. Although I was having fun, I felt kinda left out because a lot of people who went didn't know me and vice versa. People were a bit buzzed and they were just talking and leaving and I was just standing there listening. I dont know I just didn't think it was all that friendly. Actually I shouldn't be this surprised because I have actually met some of the most ill personalities there in my life. Now it is 4:00am in the morning, I am abotu to peace out. Shout out to JP Mac from Overnight in NY http://overnightny.blogspot.com/ His blog is very cool and I really like his personality. Thank you JP for the mention. It made my day!

I guess you can't be too mad when you spoil someone and they get used to it

I guess it is not so much of a parade; it is more like an open space party. Tonight, Michelle, Hester and I went to West Hollywood for this huge Halloween parade. Kiisfm was actually there hosting this out door concert. Kevin Faggot was there too. I can't believe people are this delusional nowadays. Does he even do anything except for giving white people bad names?

Anyways, today's been crazy. The company's Halloween event drained me. I screamed for 3 some hours and when I made it back home, I had a big headache. When I was gonna take a nap, Hester kept calling me. I don't even remember what she called me for, I just remembered that when I said I was taking a nap, I was already very phased out, and when I fell asleep, she called me two more times. I was very annoyed by that. But it was not big deal. I had a great nap, which somehow gave me another dizzy headache after I woke up. It was thinking, ok time to go I guess. I got Michelle's message around 6:40pm saying that she talked to Hester and they agreed that 8:00pm would be a great time to meet at Michelle's place. By then I already got so lazy and didn't feel like moving. But a plan is a plan, and I got to stick with it. So I just waited till around 7:10pm to check up on Hester to see if she wanted me to pick her up. She sounded in a frenzy on the phone, I thought she was trying on her outfit. She said that she would be ready soon. So I hanged up and kept waiting. I ended up calling her around 8:30pm since she never called me back. She said that she was ready to go and because her nephew had his first Halloween ever, so she had to go. Hmm, I was like at least you could have said that on the phone, so I wouldn't be in this ready to go mode for 1 hour and made Michelle to be in the same mode for more than 1 hour. But whatever, we were going. In the car, we were just talking about random stuff. She talked about the David guy we met back in the Abbey and she takled about how he had a daughter and how mature he was etc. I think she liked him, except for the child part. The trip to Michele's place didn't really take long. We got there around 9:00pm

Met Michelle, same old thing, talked about what went on in the day, and how lazy we got lol...Then Michelle took 5 shots in a roll, and Hester and I both took one shot each. It was enough to get me in the mood already. So after much lagging, we finally moved out of the house. Hester dressed up like an angel. IMO she looked more like a pink faerie. Long story short, we got to the parade. It was so awesome. The part that impressed me the most was the openess of gay people, and THERE WERE SO MANY GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING HOT GUYS. god damn it, when I think about them right now, I just want to do something biological like fucking, sucking, or pee... I dont know why I want to pee but they just make me feel so happy.... Some of the guys had absolutely perfect body.

Three of us started to wander around, and checking out the scene. I am a pretty easy going guy, especially this whole thing is so new, I was just glad for being there. My mind was busy and my eyes were even busier. This was a good time for me already. While we were walking, I suddenly spotted Hoviar whom Michelle'd been trying to get hold of. With HAvior, there was a very cute, and masculine guy named Jeremy. Ah,... he is very much of my type, and if he wanted it we could have boned right there in some restaurant bathroom. He was Wolfirine and he had the muscle to be one too. But Havior told me that he was straight. Ok he was pretty manly, but he just looked gay. I can't explain it, he wasn't feminine or anything but he just had the gay vibe, and pretty strong too. But they both assured me that he was straight. Oh well, what a waste piece of meat. Hester was dancing with Jeremy for a while and we were taking a lot of pictures. It was pretty cool to see all these people in characters. It felt great because people were just happy, and they were just people, there were no boundries like gays, straights, or whatever else. I liked it, it felt very cozy, almost like a home-like feeling to it.

We then walked around, and Javior spotted an Italian twink. He looked so young that I thought he was at this illegal age. But he was a 19 pre-med student. I didn't think he was all that cute, but when Havior hit it off with him really well, I felt the sudden urge to compete. I dont know, I know i am stupid.... anyway, meanwhile Michelle and I kept talking. We talked a lot of stuff. I teased her that Hester was so cute but all she could do was to watch lol, I know that is mean and I will probably burn in hell, but it was so obvious haha. But then we also talked about how people were so cute and how there weren't cute girls for her etc. How she missed JC, and how it was fun to see all these.

It is very different talking to Michelle. She is older, and she is gay, so the understanding and connection between me and Michelle are very different from my other friends. It is homo-different. It is beyond just a type of friendship. It is a recognition. I seriously think all gay people have this connection. It is really a recognition of a lifestyle. We are minorities and on some level, especialy for closet people, meeting another gay friend who you can connect with is like finding a cult that you feel you belong to whole heartedly. It is really different from being a friend with, Hester, or Greg or whoever. When straight people dominate the world, we gays are so repressed that we are almost not allowed to talk about same sex topics in the public, I mean topics like who they think it is hot etc. because other people would think it is so gross and nasty. Consdiering this, I think we should at least have a night to talk about our things like gays are hot etc in a parade in West Hollywood. I really believe that we at least deserve this much. But Hester doesn't understand this, and maybe other straight people don't understand this, and I do not know why that is so hard to understand. If people say they just can't understand this, then I think they are just extremely arrogant and selfish. But again, I guess I can't really blame Hester for her behavior because I think I for one spoil her.

Hester is a very pretty girl with a good personality, and she doesn't have a lot of attitude and demands. So I really think she is an ideal girl to hang out or date. So most of the time, I wouldn't mind what she does. Being late, cancelling plans on last minutes etc. I really don't think she does these casually without consideration and if it happens, then she must have no choice. All the social activities we had together have been great. There was no drama-my #1 enemy, and there was no attitude-my #2 enemy. But from day one, I just have always been expecting a day that she would pull one of these two things. And tonight was the night. Because Michelle and I were talking about all these gay stuff and sometimes commented on how pretty she was, Hester felt neglected. People would probably feel neglect if they were in Hester's position. But she really shouldn't be. First of all, whenever we hang out, she is always the center anyway, and second even when we have our little gay talks, we always throw in some nice comments about her, so she was never being neglected. In addition, she was busy working the scene - dancing with Jeremy, taking pictures with interesting dresed-up people and just random cute guys. She was having such a good time, we really didn't feel like to interrupt. So we were having our little conversation. Hester would occasionally turn around say "what are you talking about" in her 10 seconds break from all the activities she was engaging, and then she would go back to whatever she was doing again. But toward the very end, she suddenly got all serious and mad about it. She thought, from my understanding, that she was either being left out of the converstaion or the converstaion was about her all the time, and she didn't want us talk behind her back. I think either way, it was just bizarre, and it was even more outrageous she got all pissy about it toward the end. I mean how could she. I am like treating her like a good friend and a little funny sister whereas Michelle is taking care of her like a guardian, like a mom, especially that night when she was drunk. The one night that we were talking about some gay stuff AND she was busy with all those pictures etc, she got mad at me? That is just insane. Besides, whenever she needed attention from any of us, we turned our attention right to her immediately. I am sorry but I just don't believe she had any right to be mad. I was even more angry toward the end when I remembered that since she really wanted to go clubbing in Shag, I even offered to drop her off to her friends in Hollywood and pick her up later when she is done with partying. And now she is all pissy about we didn't devote our 100% conversation to her. She must be fucking kidding me. This reminded me of KIKI immediately. This is so typical of Kiki back then. The only difference is that they would treat the same situation with different approach. Kiki would just get lost with some guys and we won't be able to find her and getting all left out and worried, and she would come back later with the guy's number and possibly semen and ready to go home whether you are ready or not. Hester is just pissy and using a more subtle and cute approach. Nevertheless, it is the same shit. I was pretty disappointed and pissed too. More importantly, I feel ridiculous that I even told her that our converstaion wasn't about her or anything that would interest her so she should just have fun and stop being paranoid. But she wouldn't believe me. We love her and care about her and all, but we do have a life and possibly a different conversation that probably won't evolve around her.

So the night ended in a sour note. I was really having fun though because I saw hope for myself. I am getting more comfortable with this public gay thing by the minute and just really absorbing the information. But the night had to end like this. It is really really disapointing and I can't believe this happened involving Hester. I also can't believe her approach was to not talking to any of us and walked really fast ahead of us without stopping. It bugged the shit out of me and that just made me extremely angry. So we didn't talk at all on the way back, and I am definitely not gonna apologize at all. Not even the kind of sorry you say to people just to break the ice. I've done nothing wrong and she had no right to pull this crap at all. Yes I treated her well, and I never got mad at her, So I can't blame her for pushing the limit. But I am mad nevertheless.

Now I am tired and hungry. I really need to sleep now..

The Abbey

Last night was interesting. Due to Michelle's constant encouragement, I decided to go to the Abbey, a very popular gay venue in West Hollywood. I mean, I can't be shy all the time and I have to go out there and start to get into the scene. The unique part for me is that my whole coming out experience is all messed up, at least I think it is. For others, it is like they realize they are gay, so they expose it right away, you know, like the flaming queens back in highschool. They were so out, that people didn't quite know what to do with them.Or, they hide, like a lot of people, they come out in college due to their raging hormone. So they will have their tear sessions, acceptance sessions from new gay friends and old good friends, and rejecting sessions from shallow friends. After all these thematic events, they then will start going out to gay parties, clubs, bars, or gay school organizations, and start to date, fuck, whatever. But for me, I still haven't quite come out yet. The only people know about me are Michelle, Hester, and Kevin. Haha, interesting, before I counted, I somehow felt that I came out to a lot o people, but only three :<.... Anyway, so I am not really out, and definitely don't look gay at all, but I am already fucking The Designer. The Designer is so nice to me that I feel almost as if I have this safety net that will catch me if I don't survive in the gay world. So now, I am not out, having this thing going on with The Designer, and haven't been to the gay area at all. I think it is pretty messed up. So last night, I was determined to check it out to see how it is like in West Hollywood.

I had a lot of expectations before I went. I was thinking, everyone would be so good looking, and people would be so nice etc. I got that right, people were good looking, and a lot of them were so cute. But somehow, I was STILL AFRAID to even look at them. What the fuck is wrong with me?!! By the time Michelle drove us to Abbey, I started to have a panic attack. I was breathing faster and faster, and felt really uncomfortable. I felt so exposed and at the same time I somehow believed that if I don't get hooked up or something, I would be considered a failure. YEah, a homo who failed at being a homo. With all these thoughts swirling aroudn my head, we ventured into Abbey. Before we went in, Michelle told me that this place is a restaurant/bar/lounge/club. So I really thought it was an outdoor White Lotus with extra areas. But the whole thing is a like a ginormous club because the loud music is everywhere. I then started to feel the panic again, stomach started to churn, and eyes wandering aimlessly. I didn't know what to think and how to act. The out and proud freedom confused me. I saw some huge drag queens, they were quite scary imo. Hester actually went to take pictures with them haha. It was pretty funny. So we were taking pictures with the drag queens (we as in Michelle and HEster, and I was taking the pciture), and then there were about 10 people crowd standing next to me. They were pretty cute, but I couldn't just look at them for some reason. However, I think one of them saw me, and probably saw all my anxiety and insecurity, so he started to talk to his friends in that little crowd, and more people looked at my direction, and they started to laugh. OMG it's never been more embarrassing. What were they laughing about? My dumbfound expression? or my more than obvious awkwardness? Maybe they think I am ugly? I didn't know what to think but hurried up Hester and we went to some other areas in Abbey.

Eventually we sat down to eat. Michelle btw is also gay, that is why we were there. I felt that it was only safe to go with her since she was like a know-it-all homoworld tour guide. So the whole night I was clinging on her as if I would die otherwise. While we were eating, there was a group standing on a 2-3 inch platform area next to us, and the girl complimented on Hester's angel wings she wore that night. And then they started to talk, and that girl also grabbed her guy friend and introduced him as David. She then said, isn't he hot? and he is straight too! So Hester started to chat with him non-stop. I was thinking, you've got to be kidding me, in a gay club, she still managed to snag a piece of the action, whereas I am sitting there just eating. I felt like such a loser. Most importantly, I felt like I let Michelle down. She was so excited and everything and she has done this kinda favor, you know, bring the fresh meat to the market, for many gays. I was probably the worst one in her experience. People probably won't even notice me if I were used as a Holloween prop. So due to all these crazy thoughts, the best action I thought available was to keep drinking. So kept drinking anything that was there on the table and got quite buzzed toward the end. Because of Michelle's project fanatical finish on Wednsday, I was still dead tired last night, it was so much to just even smile. Therefore, after all these drinks, I was non-stop yawning. I was thinking, good job, you idiot, you never looked hotter in your life. But I coudlnt' help it, and kept yawning the night away. Michelle on the other hand, is not much better off either. She went to Mexico due to another school project and she just came back with 7 hours os sleep in her pocket for the past 2 days. So she just sat there yawning too. LOL.....

Eventually, Hester got really wasted and was ready to go. She was so cute when she was drunk. Especially last night, she was very very wasted. Her actions became random and quite theatrical. By the time we made it back to Michelle's apartment, we all just crashed on her bed. Hester wanted to puke but couldn't, and poor Michelle had to take care of her. It must so hard for her considering she'd been having a huge crush on Hester. I was laying there, spinning and thiking and takling about I probably should blow her male roomate to feel better. I took off my shirt and half naked and sandwiched Michelle. It was pretty funny though....

Then we all passed out. Around 5:00am we woke up because Hester has to be home; her parents don't approve overnights at stranger's house. She is 23 already but whatever...

Overall I was just glad I did this, and felt really bad for Michelle. I felt like I let her down in some ways. Also, I am so confused because when we go to a straight setting parties etc, I am ok. But somehow in a gay club I am like a dumbass. However, when I really thought about my straight part experiences, which are a lot, I realized that the only reason I was fine and rolling around all over the place is because wasn't intersted talking to girls. But in a gay club I should talk to guys and suddenly found myself 100% inexperienced. This is such a virgin territory that it scares me a lot. What if I will never know how to act in this kind of environment? Maybe I am just a very boring person who doesn't know how to initiate a conversation with strangers in a club. Sigh...quite frankly I realy do not know how to think about the experiences last night. It is just a huge pile of confusion.

Sergio is back from NY today, I will probably meet up with him, and talk about this with him.

24th Day

He is such a hottie; looks so dreamy all the time. But aside from being dreamy and sweet, Scott is a very good actor. My first impression of him is still from the teen drama Felicity. He mastered dreaminess in that film. I actually kinda followed it for a season.

Anyway, today I watched this independent film "The 24th Day" by Tony Piccirillo. The film digs into the AIDS epidemic on a personal scale. By introducing the unsettling encounter of Dan (James Marsden) and Tom (Scott Speedman), the film gradually unfolds Tom's devasted life affected by AIDS. The whole story revealed itself piece by piece as Dan and Tom's conversation went on in Tom's home. There were also flashbacks that filled in the blanks and gradually explained what happened prior to their encounter. Dan was a good looking guy who slept around quite frequently, whereas Tom was a troubled closet married gay man who had an one night stand five years before they met again. Tom just found out that he and his wife were infected by AIDS and it was his wife who tested first because of swallon glands. She was completely devasted and had a fatal car accident subsequent to her diagnosis. Tom came from a very small town and had constrained lifestyle when he was growing up. His marriage and his career were genuine but at the same time they were also forced to him in a way. His homosexuality was suppressed. When his wife was killed in the accident, he felt completely responsible for the whole situation, so he followed Dan for couple days and eventually met him in a bar and took Dan back to his home. Dan of course was pretty quite on the business and using his charms to get into his pants. Dan appeared to be confident and very sure of himself. But Tom on the other hand, kept asking him about truth and his past. Dan's answer to that was always a sure respond. For example, when Tom asked him if he was safe, he always said " safe, very safe." The same applied to all other questions such as how many guys he had been with and whether or not he had AIDS. Dan was playing along in the beginning and didn't become aware of the situation till he realized that Tom has locked the door. After a bit of struggle, Tom tied Dan up on his chair and started a two day ordeal. Tom thought that Dan needed to pay for what he had done to him and his life, so he took a blood sample from Dan and sent it to a lab. Tom promised Dan freedom if the test is negative, however, if it came out positive, Tom then would "slit his throat". The story then unfolds as they engaged in conversations.

The film really focused on character development and each piece of infomation served that sole purpose. There was no wasteful moments thoroughout the film, and character's emotional development was natural and the acting made them seem very realistic. For example, Dan had never given up on escapes and Tom's reaction to that, though essentially the same, were different. In the beginning Tom was enraged for the fact that Dan felt nothing to other people, and continued to sleep around without protection because for Dan, it was other people's choice. But when things settled down, Tom felt miserable, sad and lonely. Most of all though, Tom felt guity. The tremendous guilty that he knew he couldn't enforce it on anyone else drove him crazy. the emotional struggle and devastation of killing his own wife were well portrayed. At one point, he got very drunk and became so emotional that he started crying on Dan's shoulder. at the same time, as Dan tried to comfort Tom, he still tried to steal the keys that laid on the table.

At the end, there is a bit twist to it that made the film beleiveable. It showed a lot of compassion and sarrow in the whole situation and made me think just how many more of Dan and Tom out there.

It is a very good film, but it is not listed in Sccott's official filmbiography. I guess it is b ecause of its subject matter. Although today's world is filled with homos, the world still is not embracing them as a human condition. the irony.