My cousin has fainted

Wow, what a night.  In my 10 years of American journey, I have yet called 911 for anything.  Well I popped my 911 cherry Friday night.

My cousin and I have been going to this Hookah Cafe in Pasadena every week for the past 2 months.  We always go there for some tea and food, and catch up.  She enjoys it and I enjoy it and the conversation has always been so relaxed while we are smoking.  I have always commented on her ability to smoke for such a long time.  

But I guess good quality charcoal and hookah weren't such a good mix.  Since the charcoal doesn't burn too much and doesn't produce too much ashes, the tobacco doesn't really burn out either.  So we can usually smoke it as much as we want.  We probably shouldn't have because toward the end the flavor and substance are already burned out...  But we kept puffing and the carbon-dioxide has increased in a dangerous level toward the end.  

I mean Hookah always relaxes people and sometimes people do feel light headed, so when she said she was getting dizzy she was just simply refer to that.  She didn't complain, rather she was just laughing and mentioned it.  

The dramatic scene started as soon as we stood up.  She said she was really dizzy and grabbed on to my arms.  We were both laughing and I said she was weak.  But then she wasn't making any attempt to move.  Instead her eyes started to wander around without a focus.  I was getting a bit nervous.  I told her to look at me and try not to lose her focus on me, and at the same time take deep breath to get in the oxygen.  She tried but it didn't seem to improve the situation.  She started to shiver a bit and held on to me even tighter.  I felt that she leaned on me more by the minute, then suddenly she started to slip.  

I dragged her to a bench nearby because apparently her slipping wasn't going to stop.  We missed the bench by half of the step and she went completely limp half way on the bench.  I called for help and started to dial 911 myself as well.  Half of the people from the cafe walked out and one of the lady said we needed to do some mouth to mouth.  So I started to breath into her.  At that point, I didn't know how serious this could be, I truly believed that this wasn't going to be life threatening but at the same time my mind is screaming to me "omfg you got your cousin killed within 2 months!"

But as soon as I breathed into her, I could feel that she exhaled deeply.  It wasn't the limp expulsion from someone who is already in a state of shock.  Rather, it had a bit of her own effort.  She apparently had trouble to have a more normal breathing pattern but it was easier for her to exhale.  Every time I breathed into her, she made that deep exhale, as if to signal me that it was ok.  Operative was on the line with me but I was pretty sure she was ok now and I told the officer that it was ok now. 

People brought sugar water and they were all surrounding us and encouraging me.  All of sudden, like a scene from the Pushing Daisy promotional TV ad, she just had a gigantic inhale and stood up straight.  She could talk and respond as if nothing happened.  Phased by the experience, but fully aware of the situation, she calmed and everyone down by telling them that she was completely ok.  The waitress asked us if we smoked anything before this and we told them no.  Anther waiter told us that he already called 911 as they were required to do so.  So we had to sit there for the paramedics to get here.  About 1 minute later we could hear the blaring siren.  One paramedic truck and one fire truck stopped near the cafe and 7 guys jumped out.  They asked us some simple questions and tested her blood pressure.  Once they were confident that everything was ok, they just left.  

Everything happened so fast and ended even faster that once we both sat in the car, we were both feeling like we just came back from the twilight zone.  Did that really just happen to us?  How dramatic!

Well... we came to the conclusion that next time we should just stay there for 1 hour instead of the 2.5 hours as usual. 

Yeay my cousin is here

She is 18 years old and just graduated from High School.  She got admitted to CSUN and is going to attend at least a couple semesters. Then we will plan her transfer route, maybe UCLA or USC I don't know, of course USC is ALWAYS better lol...

I am so excited.  Now she lives at our house, I think this would be a great addition. 

Hiccup?

I don't know. I feel like this whole incident was like a giant painful hiccup. 

My dad, after three days of sulking, constipating and ignoring, he seems to slowly return to normal.  I was so 110% sure that he knew, now I am only 99% sure that he knew.  Whatever thought process that he went through with his best logic as he knows it, has made him completely oblivious toward current situation.  He now is in a full on denial mode.  

I was anxiously waiting for "the talk" or at least his desperate cry for his broken heart. Whatever it was, I thought it would be some kind of outcry, at least to my mom.  I wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all because he refused to look at me for three days and whenever he has to pass me by, he would make that heavy breathing sound.  It is quite creepy I think.  But now he is just silent once again.  He is a master of drama I have to say.  The physical silent treatment just closed its curtain, now the psychological void emerges. 

I truly do not understand this man.  Yes I am his son and whether I like it or not I have his traits. For example, sometimes, I just can't stfu. Another example would be self victimizing, which I try so desperately to correct. But overall, I feel that this man and I have fundamental differences regarding prospect of life in general.  I love him in a way that how families HAVE to love each other and nothing more.  I care about him because I have to.  He is my father and I am no animal.  But other than that I really just don't get him at all.  The list can go on and on.  

Deep down I knew today would come.  As a precaution, I kept telling them to be more independent.  Yes, I try to make them emotionally detached from me.  Cook a great meal for my mom, do something for yourself. It is not like we are living in a third world country with a third world living standard.  You have the capacity to enjoy life.  Instead, he would get mad if I don't eat dinner at home.  He would get mad if I come downstairs for dinner 10 mins too late.  He would get mad if I tell him don't cook dinner for me tonight because I had prior plans.  

"I did this just for you."

You FUCKING cooked rice. 

This emotional baggage! His constant reminder of "You owe your life to me" is his way of showing his love.  It is so traditionally Chinese that I want to fucking puke.  You know My MOM could enjoy some fucking rice that is just made for her. Turn your attention to your spouse who is probably gonna spend more time at the end stage of your life!  I am FINE. I am only independent when you want me to be.  I am only as grown up as you wish to believe.  

I seriously feel that because of him, I need years of therapy.  I am more fucked up with him than without.  His fatherly love has never made a warm impression in my whole life and yet everyone around me can attest that he loves me and cares so much about me.

Again I guess it comes down to the fundamental differences. For me, if you are a man, fucking take care yourself and make sure you can at least make the impression that you can out live your spouse. THAT is the ultimate commitment. That is the ultimate promise.  You let people in your life know that You WILL BE FINE.  Even though we are not counting on it, but that is the best ANYONE can do for your family members who truly love you.  I can care much less about some dinner and shit.

He on the other hand, focuses things on the microscopic scale. The dinner, the attitude, the chores and all that random shits become the fabrics of his version of the perfect family.  Oh yeah, he also eats shit load of salt, sugar, fat, and he smokes.  He sleeps late and wakes up early and mentally gets fucked the whole day, then complains about being stressful and tired in America.  He saves pennies, yet doesn't spend anytime invest.  He has high blood pressure, potential heart problem, thick blood, and of course 20 some years of smoking has almost completed spelling lung cancer for him.  On top of that, my grandpa died from colon cancer, and my dad is 55 years old and has yet checked his colon. 

When confronted, he always blames these on other things. Oh if I am rich I would do all these maintenance every day.  It is always about money... !? Bullshit. Yes health insurance purchased by individuals is expensive but with careful planning it is doable. Plus this is the money you should spend, quit smoking would be something on top of the to do list.  

I remember when my uncle in law died from kidney failure, you cried your eyes out right before the corpse was sent to the incinerator.  For what?  Because deep down, you know that would be you in a decade?  You probably already figured out that you have no will power that would steer your bad habits, just like my dead uncle in law.  I still don't know wtf you cried about.  You two had such a bad  relationship and you both looked down on each other, then why the tears back then?  My mom said you were shaken by the sight.  Apparently not shaken enough to learn anything from it.

Always playing the blame game! He has never reflect on himself EVER.  I think I started really hating him when he told me that "It is right because I say it is right because I am always right." From there on he lost all his credibility and that was when I was about 12 years old.  

After 10 years in America, he still cannot speak one full sentence of English and he still has to write numbers reading from a chart and this is when he handles all the family checks and finances. Trust me he has written a lot of checks!  On the contrary everyone that we know in our life, has learned English to some degree. He doesn't even fucking try.  We have a family business and my mom has to do EVERYTHING. He just chooses to do the physical works then complains about being too stressful, physically.  Ok you are getting older so I guess we can tolerate that.  But when asked what he wants to do exactly since he complains about everything that he does nowadays.  His answer? "nothing, I just want to sit around and do nothing, enjoy life." Life of a what? Even sloth would climb trees. It is so obnoxious that I feel hard to breath when I hear that.  I am still mad.  I am mad that in my mind my dad wouldn't be like this.  He is so hypocritical, so selfish, and so irresponsible. I used to believe if that my dad was more of a role model and manly, I wouldn't be gay.  I know that is not true now but I think that thought that belief and that expectation still made a heavy dent in my relationship with him.  He just wants to be a domestic king and a social wuss.  Let me correct that, he can only be a domestic king because social status isn't handed to him so he is ok with being a social wuss that just doesn't know when to stfu.  At least I used to be able to be sympathetic and now I am even worried that I am just so indifferent toward him.

All of this, how does this make him responsible, how does this show that he cares?

I am so frustrated and fed up with his arrogance and ignorance over the years. 

Plus my teenage years... that is another post. This particular post that I often mention about, will be done soon but it is going to be a heavy one down to the memory lane...

Now after you figure out your son is gay, all you can come up is a silent and odorless fart. Playing the victim for three days and now you are silent?

Of course, this again has to be about YOU.  You are the victim of the family. Hell, as you claimed that you are the victim of your own family back in my grandma's ages. I have to say maybe he is traumatized but he never tried to pick himself out of that. 

He STILL talks about the hardship that he endured back in the Cultural Revolution in China. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND PROBABLY DIED. You, dad, on the other hand just weren't fed enough. 

I always asked my mom, do you really love dad? I know she never loved him in the beginning, but it was the good nature of hers that made her commit and finally sincerely cherished the family. Her own words, "the first time I saw your dad, he wasn't bad". "however, my coworker said your dad's look was very bland."

That is just fucking wonderful, the least he could do is to give me a prettier face. Everything is just fucked up. Now I am just really ranting.

I don't know.  I feel like my relationship with my dad has dropped down to a dimension that is beyond time and physics.  It was as if it was nice and warm all of sudden it was a ugly blur and now I just don't care anymore.  How pathetic is this really?

-----

Here is the HNT picture, in case you are confused what part of my body this is... This is my leg, the thigh, knee, leg area.

Whenever I am super stressed I dwell back into the world of video games, usually the time consuming ones... I am play FF11 right now. It is great, I tend to forget a lot. Better than stuffing my face I think, that would be deadly on my weight. This weekend should be fun, going out gay clubbing again, and the long beach pride. sigh I think I really need it. Next weekend, I am trying to plan this Getty's Museum visit. I don't know why I just really want to be there for some reason, that place sounds just so peaceful

my mom and jessica simpson

they have nothing in common, but my mom had a major Jessica Simpsons moment today.

I told my mom a couple weeks ago that I wanted to eat some canned tuna for my protein intake. Her first visit to the market didn't bring back anything. She said the market didn't carry canned tuna. I was like, well that is strange how can a market not to carry tuna. But w/e, I am not in a dare need of eating canned tuna.

Today she came back with Chunky Tuna. I am like oh yeah this is it. She then said,

"Well this is the only brand I could find. I searched isle by isle. There were lots other similar cans, but it says Chicken on them, So i wasn't sure if I should buy them."

I was like, dear lord... I mean she is an immigrant so she doesn't know w/e. But the fact that she said it just like Jessica did on the TV was priceless. I had to explained it to her that it is called Chicken of the Sea is because it is nutritious and common like Chicken, but of the sea. She is like oh... that is why, but it is so stupid... I am like hmm you are kinda right. haha.

Anyways, my mom is pretty cute sometimes.

Coming out to my mom - 2

Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.

So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.

My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.

"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.

I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."

"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"yeah..."
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"

By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.

"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."

She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.

It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.

"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"

Pause,

"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"

Silence.

"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."

Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.

Half jokingly, "are you gay?"

Silence
"ARE YOU?"

More tears.

Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"

"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.

She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"

Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,

"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.

I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.

She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"

I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.

She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"

She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.

All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.

"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."

She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.

"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."

"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."

She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.

Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.

Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.

"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."

"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."

She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"

"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."

Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.

But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.

Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.

"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."

"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."

For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.

This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.

Coming out to my mom - 1

I think I am as in shock as she is.

The coming out was totally unplanned, unscripted, and seemed to be unnecessary at the end. Again I am so in shock that I am not sure if I should feel regret about it or not yet.

The whole thing happened because of a fight. I had a big argument with my dad again regarding some very stupid problem and then I was just angry the whole night. In addition, I am turning 24 this Friday and I have always have this conflicted feeling toward birthdays. I think it is great that you are moving on, involuntarily, but at the same time it is so incredibly sad because life isn't giving you enough time to reflect and enjoy and in my case to plan my coming out. Everyday, on the back of my mind, I somehow think about how I am living in a lie to my parents and how incredibly stupid this whole situation is. For some conservative American families, this might be a big deal since being gay is never celebrated. But for my family it is beyond just moral and psychological disorders. Because I am the only child, I have also carried on their dreams, their hopes, and their drive for better lives since I was a kid. Being gay means destroying all these establishments mentally for my mom. I am so scared to even talk about gay issues with her not mentioning telling her that her very own son is also gay.

People always say mothers always know, even they deny it, they still got it down in the back of their minds. Well some people are wrong. My mother had absolutely no freaking clue so it made my whole night even more dramatic and difficult.

Anyways. After feeling blue for a while I decided to just go to bed. Somehow my tired mind and body decided not to hit the sack. My mind went wild while I laid still on my bed. First it was just how irrational my dad has become and how great if my dad were more understanding, logical, and supportive. Not just to me but also to the whole family. I think if there is a crisis, his demeanor would just make things even more intense for my mom. Then I just felt really bad for my mom. She's given up a lot for me here in America and she really has no agenda for me whatsoever. Unlike many other Chinese parents, she never made me do a thing that I didn't want to do. I don't like to be a doctor, ok fine don't study medicine; I think being a lawyer is boring, that is ok, don't study law, etc. She has just always been very supportive and all she wanted is to make me happy and grow up as a decent person. She is a very strong woman yet extremely emotional and sometimes irrational when her emotion takes over. So at times I think she would take the news well but then I felt that she would probably go insane and just completely lose it. I really don't know what to think and what to believe. Usually my brief coming out courage would be stopped right here when I think about her emotional strength. I just really don't wish anymore hardship and pain on her side. She is getting old and I just want her to be happy too. That is all I can ask for. I hope she can live happily for another twenty years, watching me getting a family and enjoying a couple grandchildren. That is really I want for her and I am sure she isn't asking for more. The simplicity of her hopes is even more taunting for me to do any coming out attempts because I feel that I cannot even satisfy her simplest wish in her life. Al these thoughts made me feel very frustrated at myself and at the situation. So eventually I started to imagine again. I am sure a lot of gay closet kids do this too. You imagine yourself brave enough to break the news and your parents would just come over and give you a huge hug, telling you that you are still their favorite son. No matter what happens you got a family that got your back. Isn't that a nice image to have? Every time I think about this I would feel just a little bit better because I know there is still hope, things might not be as bad as I think. Also for a brief moment I believe this image. I want it so bad that I can feel it and taste it. I always have a small smile to just think about how nice it'd be if my dream is true and how fearless I would become when my family really has my back. However, tonight, this imagery is playing tricks on me, it won't leave me alone. The well accepted coming out scene is played over and over and in each subsequent replay, my mom reacted to it better.

I really started to believe that it was possible to have this happy ending. I really thought that maybe my mom really does know for a long time that maybe she just doesn't know how to break the ice. Then I made a decision. I will plan a nice dinner probably at the end of this year and just ell her then. Whatever happens then I will have to deal with it, there is no running away anymore. However, I was so caught up in this master plan that I actually felt a bit pumped up. Now there is really no way that I can sleep anymore. So I just kept on thinking. After this brief triumphant moment, I started to think about how lonely and unhappy that I feel because of this situation. The future is always this dangerous area for and the approaching birthday is like a death alarm clock that goes off the same time every year warning me I have only so little time left before I come clean. Just in a blink of an eye, I became extremely depressed again. Then I heard it, my mom coming up stairs. I didn't really want to tell her anything tonight but somehow I just really wanted my mom to be around tonight so I said
"Can't sleep, wanna just come here and sit around me for a little bit? That will be nice you know."
Never to reject a chance to spend some time with her only son, she said
"of course".

A lonely morning!

Sigh, a month never seems to pass by so fast.

My cousin's family finally left yesterday and it really felt like they have only been here for two weeks. I wish that they could have stayed longer, but alas don't we all wish for a lot of things that just don't go our way in our lives. At least, I can still hope that they come back soon. They should decide where they want to live rather soon. Within three months I would say.

This morning, I just didn't feel like waking up. When I finally did, it felt so quiet, hollow, and lonely. There was no 8 year old running around laughing, climbing, and calling me uncle anymore. The house went back to what it used to be. I guess change sometimes is really good.

--

This morning, the recruiter called me again to touch base. He didn't anything except to tell me to call him back. When I did, he told me that he would give me a final answer latest this Friday for sure now. I just don't feel too good about this constant push back. But it doesn't matter now, two more days I will have an answer. The person who referred IMed me today right after I talked to the recruiter by coincidence. She thought that this was a good thing since they did my reference check and background check. Let's hope she is right because I really just want to start working now.

--

I haven't worked out forever, and I know my muscle mass is declining. Even though I still can't see the big difference in the mirror yet, I can definitely feel it.

Life seems to be on hold before my job is settled. I need money for everything and I almost need that job to have motivation. This kind of uncertainty is just too daunting.

--

There are many things that I think would make great blog entries. A lot of my thoughts and opinions were from my conversations with friends, bloggers and random people. However, I just felt a bit unnecessary and lazy to do the entries. My mind is still on my job and my family atm. I guess till things start to really change in essence, my blog will probably remain kinda boring and dry.

A random and lazy week

Yeap this week has been pretty chill. No interviews whatsoever and as I mentioned before, only theme parks and beaches parts of my duty. I was like on the mission mode to relax and have fun. My extreme laziness, irregular sleeping hours, and bad diet were pretty addictive. hehe. human nature to be lazy eh?

My cousin's family is leaving on the 1st. I am kinda sad about it. I like her family. Her husband used to work in the same company as my mom did so I got to know them both when I was fairly young. My nephew is pretty cute. Loud, stupid, annoying at times but overall a very bright young guy. I hope they would decide to stay in America after their trip back to China. But there is a good chance that they won't since according to my cousin, her mother-in-law is very unreasonable and bossy and she wants her grandson back in China to be with her. Beh... crazy old lady.

Anyways, due to this uncertainty, I tried my best to hang out with them as much as I can. My friend just came back from Hong Kong and she really wanted to go clubbing or something. Well her words are "hang out" but she loves clubbing style nightlife, so I am sure it will be something along that line if we do hang out. But since I am really devoted to my family right now I didn't even call her back. She is leaving this friday too! I feel kinda bad. But oh well we will definitely go out at least once. Same to another friend of mine who just got back to the U.S. from a trip too. But I guess sometimes family comes first!

I dont know, lately I really do feel like going out again. I have been disconnected since I came back. First job hunting, then my family's visit. I kinda want to hit the nightlife scene again. But this time I am really not that interested in the straight clubs anymore. Hopefully, my job hunting, and social life can get back in order fast. After my cousin's family leaves, I would probably feel kinda empty for a bit. I mean all of sudden there are three less people living in your house and one of them is a loud 8 year old, it is kinda hard to adjust back in a way haha.

Oh by the way, despite the fact that I really do not like Harry Potter, I saw it today. OF course taking my little nephew. Our original plan was to see The Simpsons. But the line, I mean the line for people who already have tickets, are enormous. It went around the block! So we switched to Harry Potter. Since my nephew can only speak French fluently I am afraid that he didn't quite get the movie. It is ok though, I think for him, the best part of a movie is the popcorn. He has a keen interest in popcorns. His apetite for popcorn is also unbelievable. I am sure he will eat that shit till he pukes. I mean he already did that to Mc Donald -_-... Back to the movie, I guess I can see why the fans would love the movie. However, for a person who never read a single Harry Potter book, I just think it is whatever. It is not bad but it is not something that is absolutely memorable. Almost like a Pirates 3, but less expensive to make, and less sexual elements.

Anyways, I guess this is a post dedicated to my family haha. We will see what happens next week. Sigh... they are leaving!!!

Some quick hits

I have been busy with my cousin's family lately. They are leaving on the 1st so I am trying to spend as much time as I can with them while they are here. I would like to write more but things just kinda happen fast and once I look back 3-4 days at a time, it is hard to capture the magic again.

Anyways, we basically hit the theme park circle hard lately. Went to Disneyland, Disney California Adventure, Universal Studio, and we are planning on Six Flag Magic Mountain next week. In addition, we spent a day at the beach, and are planning for 1 more beach day tomorrow afternoon. It should be fun.

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I have talked to two other companies so far. They are both fortune 500 companies. One of them is top 100 and the other one is top 40. Other than these two companies I haven't looked at job postings at all. I am taking it easy and just want to relax a little bit. What is destined to be mine would come eventually. I should get answers back latest next week. One of them would most likely reply me by tomorrow and the other one would probably take longer. Oh well no matter how it turns out I just can't stress over the possibilities right now.

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I took my nephew to the movies today and we saw Ratatouille. It is such an amazing film. I really loved it. It was unexpectedly moving and full of heart. Even though it is a cartoon and one of the main character is a rat, also on that note, there are plenty rats in the movie, the entire story just feels so human to me. It is much better than a lot of movies done by real people. I don't know I guess there is really a thing or two that people should consider more when they make movies nowadays. I mean it is a motion picture that should tell a story. What the hell has happened to the story part in the movies nowadays?

__

I talked to my best friend a week ago. She told me something that bothered me again. I wrote a while back about an old friend of mine, the brother of my best friend, who turned out to be a bit hostile toward me at the end of our friendship. Overall, I just really thought it was a classic story of how good friends drift apart. I guess I was so wrong. Even till today, he is still talking shit about me behind my back. His everlasting bitterness can't seem to find a god damn closure on its own. I thought for once that as he ages, his icy cold attitude would thaw a bit not just for me but just in general. But oh no. He's been trashing about my recruiting, my academic endeavor and my school (how dare he, considering it was "his" dream school till he got rejected and I got in?). I told my friend that I was gonna have a talk with him. You know like a man to another man. IF you want to say something, say it in my face or we can take it outside and duel it out. We do it and get done with it. I want it to end FOREVER. I don't want to think about what he is going to say behind my back every time I visit my friend at his place. My friend told me to not to be too gay about it. I was like HOW THE FUCK IS THIS TOO GAY. Then she said ok it is not gay but it is stupid because apparently her brother is mentally and emotionally disabled and she really wishes for no hassles from him either. So whatever, I agreed not to bring it up in front of him. But still, what kind of cowardly behavior is this. I am kinda pissed.

In addition, as immature as it sounds. Once he trash talked about my school and my recruiting, I have never been even more eager to get in one of the two companies that I mentioned above because he also works there now! He totally thinks that he got the best job ever and he is def the shit now. I mean seriously it is not a bad company but it ain't no Blackstone or Goldman Sach. Get a fucking grip. jeebus. But I want to work there is because this department is exceptionally special since it directly reports to the board executive and manages the overall capital risk for the entire corporation. So now not only the title beats his but the pay might be competitive too. I don't know I haven't found out how much but I am kinda obsessed with it now. I have been researching about the salary. No productive results yet... God I Think this is totally unnecessary. god when can I totally grow the fuck up.

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On my final note, which is much more pleasant, USC has been voted as preseason #1 this year AGAIN, and arguably the best college football team in our history. Eat that GATORS!!! AND LONGHORNS. mu hahahahaha.

for more info, please go here

A new family in the house

My cousin's family has finally arrived. It is a family of three, 38 yr dad, 34 yr mother and 8 yr old son. Before their arrival, I have worried about the son. I mean 8 yr dad that is very scary. They could be little creatures from hell. Indestructible and no logic on earth can work on them. This reminded me of another cousin's baby who arrived this world about 2 weeks ago. What an ugly thing. That little bastard has a perma frown and usually stares at me with two eyes that are full of annoyance. He probably thought my face was too big or something. Oh yeah, he cries every 10 mins. So yeah... 8 year old boy could be that creature only that he will be much faster, stronger, and destructive.

Lucky me, he turned out to be a cute little boy who has been behaving rather impressively. He of course fell in love with my super PS3 haha. Also, his mother tongue is French since their family emigrated to QueBec a long time ago. How fucking nice! French, English, and Chinese. This little dude is going to get so many chicks it won't be even funny. Yeah I already advised their parents to let him learn hockey and baseball/football if they are going to stay in American. That is like a free ticket to pussy wonderland. Yes, I am being a bit assuming. I assume he is straight and I have a good almost 90% of being right.

Now I am full of hope because I think the rest of the month (that is how long they are going to stay here!), I think I can actually co-exist with an 8 year old boy! After all not all boys are like monkeys from hell. Phew...

It is great to see families again. They are pretty close related families and we have always been on good terms. Now they just sold their little store in Canada and the parents are really considering moving to the U.S. I highly recommend it! Yeah, I also have to mention, they brought me a BOSE Triport Headphone!! SEXY!! I freaking love it. I love it so much that I have to post a picture of hehehehe.

On another unrelated topic, I saw a guy that I really like on manhunt, and we started talking. He is flying back to LA soon. I really really hope this is going to go somewhere. I know, expecting something nice from a place like manhunt.com seems to be a bit naive and too stupid. but... but... and but...

I don't know. I had a lot to blog about but suddenly I felt really tired and my thoughts dried out. Oh well, I will be here tomorrow, blog, about something hehe no rush here.

Finally, Happy 4th!! Wish everyone has a happy and safe holiday. Cheers~~~

Death brings closure?

It certainly does! At least for one party!! As sad as it sounds it is so true. True, cold, and cruel, just like death itself. But at least it is certain, it brings closure.

I just read this post by Urban Insanity. The post can be found here. It was just a normal another grandma dead story for a reader. Yes it may sound a bit insensitive. But for reals, if it weren't related to you in some way, it is just stories when you read. I am sure it is gut wrenching, heart breaking for Urban. Well that is how it started. Then it resonated me when he said about how he is his grandma's golden boy, how his grandma asks him who he is dating how he is doing and how he can never really answer those questions.

That really hit me. That is exactly what happened on my trip back to my hometown. I am the Chinese only child in the family. That literally means I am the family extension in this world. I BEAR the responsibility to shag a impregnate a girl so that my family name will carry on. Other than that everyone just assumed I am straight. My grandma is half paralyzed from stroke so she couldn't speak, but I am certain that she wants to ask. Three aunts of mine, other close and distant family members, my mom's friends, and strangers all have asked me, "dating yet? what kind of girl, ready to get married." JUST WTF. All I could do is smile like a retard.

My grandma, though her love to her family wasn't communicated to her kids as well as Urban's grandma, the sincerity was real. She would never understand the whole gay thing and how bad she wanted to be a great grandmother. Yet I find myself completely speechless and cowardly when it comes to my sexually. I want my true self to be with my family like how it is supposed to be. I really can't. Same to my parents. I thought possible solutions for our situation. One is to live a double life: married with gays, suck cocks on the sides. That is just fucked up and it would ruin so many people's lives once exposed. Two is to live a gay life and lie to my parents, which would be painful and it would definitely disappoint my parents but at least I am not causing as much damage. Three is to come clean which doesn't seem to be possible. The best solution seems to be the second one but the closure would only come when one of us is dead, either my family or me. It is so horribly sad and yet it seems to be so logical.

Urban found closure eventually when he thinks that his grandma is knowing and at peace. However, that is because he finally decided to move on and to find his own peace. What if the sense of responsibility is so strong that I can't move on. Then I would feel like I betrayed my grandma EVEN in her death. Now she is dead AND furious about my situation. What would i do then? I won't be able to talk to a dead person and the sense of guilt would be much more enduring...

I am not sure death would bring me closure but it seems to be the only solution. Don't worry I am about to kill myself or my family for that matter. I am just saying this as a matter of fact.

This totally blows.

Random things

I went lazy a bit and only updated a lame video but then I felt like I had more to say, so I am gonna just say things in different categories.

Update 1:
Retards.




This is just sad. I mean, the Christian Fundamentalists should kill these people secretly since they make the evil empire look dumb. I like the second guy who couldn't put an entire sentence together. I am sure Falwell is so pissed that he is rolling in his grave now.

How do people become so blind? how could they allow themselves to be so brainwashed. Man DO I APPRECIATE university education. At least I could do some critical thinking on my own.

These people are so stupid that I think it is funny. I am also relieved. With people like this in our path, this war would end soon. Equality for all is not that far away now.


Update 2
Long conversation

Well the long conversation happened because everyone was depressed and tired. I know, it was strange. Well this morning I was awaken by my dad's endless rant about how the new modem for our company's internet has arrived that I should go there and set it up immediately. It was 9:30am and I worked on the stupid windows vista problem till 3 the night before. So after a brief screaming contest, he left and I woke up. Grumpy but wide awake for sure. So I contacted dell support and the problem wasn't resolved. I had to leave around 11:30am to catch a lunch with a formal Disney coworker. It was a great lunch. Saw some old Disney people and made chit chat. My friend and I apparently aggressively tried to recruit her away from Disney hahaha... Then I went to Hookah and at the same time worked on the windows vista issue with my friend. I called dell support and entered another long conversation which started out with one dissatisfied customer and ended with a screaming enraged customer who threw profanity left and right. Yes I was an asshole, and trust me they deserved it, too. Ok I guess Dell multi billion loss/effort on customer service just went to the toilet and yes their CEO was useless and that strategy SUCKED. So then after all this, I rushed back home to see Spiderman 3 with another friend. Rushed was a bit exaggerated since I-5 had three accidents and it wasn't moving. A trip that would normally take me 30 mins took me about 2.5 hours to complete. I finally arrived at the theater at 6:30pm.

Spiderman 3 was ok. I felt that many scenes were trying a bit too hard. I mean it has never been good if the audiences laugh at scenes that are supposed to be serious and sad. However, I guess that was just for some people. My friend cried at the same scene where others were laughing. God girls... Sorry for the slight bit of sexism but oh girls...

Then I went home tired... But I was determined to fix the windows vista problem. After a system restore it actually worked... Then I was happy. But then I realized that I lost my windows vista backup CDKEY. I must have left that cd envelope at the Hookah place. FUCK ME...

The day has just been really long till now. Then I went into my parents room saw my dad talking on the phone. That was when it got heavy. One of my aunt was hospitalized for heart attack. She was released later but she told us that her heart rate was like 20beats/min at one point. Jesus FUCK MAN, that is pretty insane. More bad new continued. The husband of my second aunt had prostate cancer and it had spread all over his body and penetrated his bone marrow. So basically he is a big cancer organ now. They don't think that he can survive much longer and he decided to go back to his hometown and bid farewell to his older family members. Tragic... Then my youngest aunt collapsed at home from exhaustion. See, my grandma had a stroke a couple years ago and half of her body paralyzed since then. My youngest aunt is one of those very traditional Chinese who would be so caring for her parents that she would put their healthy before hers at any given time.

The entire tragic fiasco came out of no where and just hit me like that. I wasn't so shocked by the diseases that they caught per se. I mean seriously everyone including the victims expected these outcomes somewhat either consciously or subconsciously. I mean the years of bad habits and life style, on top of that, how they struggled and prioritized materialistic problems in their lives finally caught up with their health. I remember when I visited home two years ago, I could already see that some of them were already half way through the death's door. It was simply a given.

What hit me hard was that, my generation has finally reached this point where my older generation starts to peace out. It is a long, painful, and inevitable process. So my mom was tearing up. More so for their fate and how helpless that each generation feels when the older ones are dying in front of their eyes. Then she didn't think she was a good daughter etc. I said lots stuff and many points were scattered around. To make long story short, I made a list of stuff I said to both of my parents:

1. Live your own life. If you have to focus, focus on the later generation because you can only do so much for the old. I said this because my mom didn't think she was a good daughter. Well I want to tell her that she can only do so much before the old people just get so old that it is really in god's hand at certain point. (I use the term god loosely, mainly to the extent of fate, in a spiritual way) There is no point on dwelling what you haven't done because there will be a million things that you always think that you could have done but didn't. We cant live in regrets. Just do the best we can at this time within our ability. I mean seriously, we can only do so much when there is a giant ocean separating the families.
2. Please take care of your own bodies because if any of you dies it'd be a very hard thing to deal with for all of us. An ordeal and no less, a good 5-8 years at least. See my parents are pretty progressive and I always say that we should think things through beforehand. Including death. My mom has been having some problem with her liver and my dad has been struggling with high blood pressure. Also my grandpa died from colon cancer and my dad is approaching my grandpa's age when he died. It was all very scary to think about and quite depressing to talk about at the same time. But I think it was important to talk about it. Once I touched the subject and leaving it in the open, my parent would tend to have more courage to think about it and actually do something about it. I told my dad if mom dies he would just collapse physically and mentally. I told him that despite that he might be denying this but the truth was that he has no mental or physical capacity or capability to handle any kind of pressure nowadays. He has just never been good at it anymore once he got older. He didn't even deny it. It was good to talk about actually. For the first time, I didn't see my dad being ignorant. He wasn't in denial in some of the important issues and that was very important.
3. They should be happy about what they have and stop stressing over their business. After all health and happiness are really the things they would relish not just on deathbed but throughout their lives. They agreed and they thought that I shouldn't get into a field where it would become too competitive. I compared their lives with my dad's sibling's lives. I mean the three aunt's lives I mentioned above. After the comparison it wasn't that hard to see that we still had a lot even though we might be stressed out sometimes here and there. I think once we had this talk, they really felt a bit relieved and for that I am relieved as well.

Those were the main points that I thought it was the key. We also mentioned about career things but those were just kind of old talks that we have been having since the beginning of time.

The conversation seriously lasted about 3 hours and I was really glad we did it. My dad and I aren't what you would call "buddies". So this is really once on a blue moon kinda event. It was actually really really good. A bit surprising and I think most importantly we touched some great issues that hopefully raised more concern regarding THEIR well-beings. They need to stop worrying about me now. They told me that all they want for me is that I have a good education, a stable job, a decent living and most importantly, doing all these to achieve the ultimate goal, to just be happy. That is all they want. I sincerely believe what they say even though they may give me lots unwanted pressure. However, I really wish that they could still say the same thing when one day I tell them that I am gay.

Update 3
Trip.

Another reason that we are all kinda stressed out lately is because my mom and I are going to China for both business and pleasure for a month. We are leaving next Tuesday. Yes, that is exactly why I have been a bitch screaming at Dell people since I would never imagine a crappy computer made from a crappy manufacturer can't even last long enough for a business trip.

Update 4
60 Mins on Sexual Orientation
60 Mins on Gay.
Thanks Towleroad.com for the clip collection.

Anyways, this post is getting out of hand. See ya

Happy Mother's Birthday

It is Mother's Day.

We celebrated with my Aunt's family by having a big dinner together. The food was great and everyone was happy. My cousin is due in 4 weeks so she would be a mother soon too.

I didn't get my mom gifts till this morning haha. I called up my friend and went to the mall. I am always a fast shopper. I will just buy whatever catches my eyes. So we went to Northstrom and I bought her a Marc Jacob's gift bag. It was a big bottle of lotion, perfume, body butter and a small container of pure perfume. It was pretty good deal since the pure perfume and body butter were literally free. Then we went to buy roses. We picked out 4 dozen of roses. They were pink, white, yellow and red. We wrapped them into two vases for my mom and my friend's mom. It looked really good. I mean there is always a special connection between woman and flowers. Roses were a good deal actually but still in my humble opinion I think they are utterly useless and such waste of money. I paid 65 dollars for 28 of them. So a bit over two dollars each. Oh well whatever makes my mom happy.

Happy she was. She was so touched when she saw the roses. I was a bit confused because apparently the Marc Jacobs stuff supposed to be more of an attention getter. But then I remembered that she hasn't been updated with all these labels. I had to actually explain who Marc Jacob was. But overall she loved them all. Well especially the roses.

Ah my mom is really nice. I really appreciate everything she does for me and she has done a lot. I just wish that she could be cool with gays then everything would be perfect. But oh well she is perfect enough haha.

Happy mother's day!