Monday, December 17, 2007

Good things and paranoia

I hooked up with this Mexican guy last Tuesday. He is 28 and 6'1''. He had very nice chest and had a leaner waistline than mine. We met online but he actually was only a mere 4 miles away from my home. We talked to each other on and off for about 1 month and last week we finally met. He lives with 3 other house mates so we had to keep things kinda quiet. He had his own room, pretty decent size but not big in any measure. It was a typical guy's room, messy. But it was smelly or anything, and the whole room wasn't chaotic per se. He actually never turned on the light which was kinda interesting. It wasn't like I would totally not see him just because of the light was off but I didn't mind anyway it was very exciting to be in the dark. I laid down on his bed and told him to come over. We started to make out for about 5 mins. He said I was a good kisser. I would have said the same thing. His lips were luscious and gentle. His kiss was flirtatious and firm. Our tongue danced together. It was definitely a passionate start.

Then then started to suck my cock. It was actually my best blow job I ever had. It was firm and fast with good rhythm. Most important for me was that he was wrapping his whole mouth around my dick the whole time so it wasn't one of those air leaking blow jobs that you only wish you could use a hoover instead of that mouth in front you. He then started to rim my ass. It was absolutely AMAZING. His tongue was so talent. It was flickering around my ass and then would move in and then move out, sucking the hole, licking it more then sucking more. I was loving every single minute of it. I did the same to him. I guess he was really into me because he think started to suck on my foot as well. It was surprising and definitely hot.

The fuck session started off rocky because I was super tight and it took him a while to get it. Then he did a lot of positions but I still like the doggie the best. I just love it when his thrust his pelvis firmed against my bubble ass. It feel so intimate and also I could feel more penetration.

Then the bad part. I let him cum on my mouth, at the heat of the moment I licked off his cum. It was hot for sure, he cum like a water hose so did I. But then the following conversation happened,

"omg that was so hot."
"yeap it was pretty good."
"you clean right?" (yeap making sure I am not a STD robot AFTER the sex)
"yeah I am." (actually i am not sure, I have been believing that I must have been exposed to HIV virus based on no good reason except for my mental instability. but again having sex with strangers and let them cum in your mouth is definitely some risky behavior, even if it is just once...)
"I was surprised you let me do that."
"do what?"
"cum on your mouth and this is our first time with me."
"well, it is low risk." (already feeling like I am lying to myself)
"nah, it is pretty risky, if I am infected you would be infected by now."
"well relatively speaking, it is pretty unlikely unless you are raging with HIV level in your system and I have some big cuts in my mouth. both cases are unlike at this moment now"
"well I am just saying don't worry about it, i am clean."
"so when was the last time you got tested?"
"hmm about 5-6 months ago. and it was clean."
"I see, same here. I think I should get tested again just to make sure."(i am actually scared, what if the result is positive, that is like all hope is lost)

We walked out talked more about each other here and there. Finally before we parted,
"man it was really hot, let's keep in touch and maybe get together again sometimes."
"why are you so surprised by that?"
"by what"
"by I let you cum on my mouth, now you are making me feel a bit anxious. you are clean right?"
"I am, I was just saying and usually people don't do that the first time. Do you do it a lot?"
"do what a lot? let others cum on my mouth?"
"no man, I don't' hook up everywhere. probably 2-3 times, you included"
"oh.. yeah don't worry i am clean."

At this point it sounded as if we were both equally paranoid. Well I already knew what would happen after this -- Endless HIV thoughts and agonizing doubts and paranoia. I was absolutely right. I actually have let this affect my mood. I just felt like I must have caught it if not from him probably from that dude that I blew 2 months ago on the Pasadena camp ground. I must have because it was such a coincidence that I bit myself TWICE really hard the day before I blew that guy off and let him cum in my mouth. Those two bite wounds were fresh and open. Omg how stupid. IF not that guy, then it is probably from the plumper who I allow him to cum on my mouth. He even commented on it too. After sex, he said" wow dude, you would let me cum in your mouth but not fuck you bareback?" WHAT is wrong with people, bareback risk is WAY WAY WAY greater than oral contact.. But I KNOW THEY DO HAVE A POINT. Why am i such a cum slut. I hope my luck is still winning out. I do not know what I would do if I catch HIV. the thought itself is almost too heavy to just think about...

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Yeah Back

Ok I didn't really go anywhere. But Blogging has been lagging it is pretty obvious right lol. I don't know. Last couple weeks just weren't for blogging. There were things happening but somehow whenever I am facing this screen I just didn't feel like typing. Recounting life is such a tiring experience.

Ok the three things that I was gonna talk about last time lol.

First I went to a real concern. Well my first real concert experience anyway. My friend got 4 tickets so it was Me him, his sister and his sister's friend. Her friend gives me a bit gay vibe. But again everyone is gay as long as the price is right, quoted from a gay friend of mine lol... He was kinda dorky cute. He wore a nice thin blazer and loafer. Yeah I noticed those two items because the blazer look like some expensive skin and the loafer made him look a bit British. He had big fingers too... Yeah I dont know why I notice these things but I do. My friend's sister is pretty and they were both very very smart. I mean lawyers come on.

The concert was in Downtown in this old theater. It was so amazing. Everything was so vintage. It gives you a bit flash back feeling; I felt like I was in the early 1800s or something. A SHIT LOAD OF CUTE GUYS. I felt abit overwhelmed because they were everywhere. At the same time I felt kinda restricted because I couldn't tell my friend that "OMG that guy is so cute that I can blow him right now". I know slutty and closet don't really mix.

The band was "Stars". Don't know anyone of you guys have ever heard of them. It is decent stuff, but by no means they were GREAT. But the experience was so good. The company was good, the stage was great, the light was awesome and people were really into the music. I really enjoyed it. And the cute guys hehe.


I had another hook up and I really felt like I am over hook ups now. I somehow feel empty afterward. It is like drugs it gets you high but crashes you hard. Somehow you want more of this abuse after that depressing crashing feeling subsides. It is very dangerous and emotionally unhealthy.

On the other hand, I started to talk to this older gentleman who lives in Beverly Hills, a retired lawyer at 45. Yes HE could be my DAD. But we have good conversations and he sounds like .. well fatherly. OMG I GOT ISSUES. I think I should see a shrink. This is like the 105ths time I mentioned that I needed a shrink yet the only one I am about to see is a older guy who could be my dad age wise and wants to fuck me. This is truly unhealthy. Howver, I do enjoy his conversation. So I might date him see what is going on. He is not fat at least. I swear I am not shallow.


Saw Jersey Boys with three gay bloggers with LA. I really enjoyed the show. I think I am pretty easily entertained. As long as it is not total ape shit, I can always appreciate some beauty of everything.


I just talked to a REALLY cute guy yesterday at gym. He is like model looking and his bright bright bright smile just melts my hearts away. BLESS MY LITTLE'O HEART. He is noticeably taller than I am which is rare and he looked very athletic and he was sooo beautiful. I actually asked him first. I really didn't have to. But he was irresistable. So I asked him

"do you know the name of this exercise?"

I actually needed to know. My trainer told me to write a workout diary and he provided me with the offical diary book etc, so I am the gymbunnynerd.


Yeap silence.

Oh. he had earphone on. That won't stop me from harrassing a cute guy. So I TAPPED HIS SHOULDER. lol.... he turned around I said

"do you know the name of this exercise, my trainer wants me to write down everything."

He smiled, and I died.

He said,

"ah... haha I actually don't but I do it a lot. I am sorry."

"It is alright."

10 mins later.

"USC kicked Arizona's ass, did you see the game."

"oh no I didn't but my coworkers couldn't stop talking about it. Did you go to SC?"

"No I went to LSU."

"oh cool."

"what is your name?"

"David. and you are?"

"Luke" (OMG LUKE SO CUTE, I swear I don't sound like a teenage girl in real life)

"I haven't seen you here often, are you new?"

"oh no, I am here for about a year."

"then what time do you come in usually"

"ah here and there random times"

"I see. Do you work around here or live around here?"

"Oh I live right up here and I work in downtown." (ok most likely a banker or lawyer and right up here that is expensive... ok educated and smart awesome)

"Nice Nice. YEah I live close by as well."

"Ah What is your name again, I am really bad at names. Sorry."

"David, should be easy right."

WE shook hands. Nice hand....

"Maybe I can catch a spot from you next time David."

"Alright." ( you can catch anything from me stud...)

It was so sweet.... I am gonna go on the weekends more now. So I would catch him more. I mean he is like 110% not gay but I am kinda crazy so it won't matter. mu hahaha...


Bummer, my mom went to China for 20 days for business. Sigh living with my dad is painful. Maybe I should move in with that older guy and wash his pool... Enough of the crazy talk...


My current physical status. I know it is not impressive at all but I made progress and I do feel good and I still working on it. Let's monitor it till summer. I shall whore by that time mu hahaha.

height, 6' and half inch.
weight, 178lb
Fat %, 12.5%
Chest, 38 and half
Bicept 14 3/4
Leg, 19 and half,
Waist...............34" -_-... I swear I wear 32 just fine! The soft fat is bullshit. Oh well....

My trainer's goal for me
Height, no change,
Weight, doesn't matter,
Fat%, 10-12% is fine
Chest, 42
Bicepts 16
Legs are ok
Waist 29.

-o-.... pain guaranteed...

Ciao bitches.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

IT is that time of the month again

I am not talking about period. If I had a period that would be a serious problem. I am talking about blogging. Yeah I blog almost as frequent as period now and that is not good.

There are three things I was going to talk about but it is getting late So I shall update this post in the very near future. I hope yall had a great weekend!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Updated the update


I now actually kinda forgot what I wanted to say. Well let's see.

I had brunch with a good friend from USC. He works for Goldman Sachs now. He is such a nice and smart guy that I can't stop having a bit crush on him. He sure doesn't look like an Abercrombie model but I would choose him over 80% of the guys that hops around in West Hollywood. We ate at Urth Cafe in West Hollywood. I ordered a salmon plate which was very delicious. We talked about career mostly for 3 and half hours. It was great to talk to him again. He told me that he just broke 3 digit hours in one week and he is absolutely high on adrenalent. He also told me about his 3 way making out at a party with 2 sororitee girls etc. I dont know it is just a good time talking to a nice friend. Half way through I noticed this girl who was in my class back then. She didn't remember me apparently because when I called out her name and said "you must not remember me", she replied with a big smile and said "of course I remember you". However she never called out my name so yeah.... of course she remembered me. But doesn't matter she is a very energetic girl and has a smile as bright as the sun. I like her. We talked more about career. Yeah I know we are very boring lol....

Anyways I think what I am doing right now at my current company is ok. But it is not something I want to do. The knowledge is highly untransferrable and the longer I stick here the more I am limiting myself in terms of bankability. Every person is a piece of asset and you definitely want to be the one that fits in many different environment. So I will have to really start doing some hardcore studying and making a move in my life and change it before it sets its little mold on me. I am also on a time table. I mean if I am even in the path of where my dream is then I might just as well accept fate like the rest of 80% of Americans and be happy about 5k dollar raise that comes once in a while. That is just fucking pathetic. Yeah gays have unrealistic egos, what is new right. I told my ideas to a coworker who is probably the nicest girl you will ever see and her comment was omg you are so USC. I am not sure if that is a compliment...

Talking about careers, I have to say thank you to the super duper cute and VERY SMART Troystopher (he is on my blogroll) who gives me some valuable suggestions and also makes my day go by faster. Thanks "IM buddy" lol.

Anyways, the down side of this wonderful Saturday was that I got pulled over by a police and he gave me a ticket for not yield enough. I guess he is right otherwise I would have yield the fuck out of the street or at least pretend to be if I fucking yield him. douchebag. I mean it s West Hollywood in construction on Saturday brunch hour. Does he really expect people to be as careful and obedient as the Amish people. ok I don't know what I am talking about anymore but for me Amish is the closest thing to sheeps, you know the universal symbol of weakness and perpetual followers. I mean haven't they seen the temptation... ok I am ranting now....

So yeah that is about 150 bucks and he told me that Beverly Hills supreme court gives people second chance for traffic school so I can still get my point off even though I had a point from speeding (5miles over limit) 5 months ago. Yeah second chance you say? Bitch I will take that point but I will make you go to court with me. Yes I will plead not guilty and show up in court. My suit has been lonely.

And when I finished my lovely brunch, I got a parking ticket.

Yeah. .. ....

But then, I had a good time at night. I went out with two friends and went to Yardhouse in Pasadena. I guess a lot of people were having Halloween parties so the place wasn't as crowded as usual. I bravely took the halfyard size, which is a 32 ounce, about 20 inch tall glass (see, I am bad with measurements so I have to think in dick size). I ordered a Sierra Nevada. It is bitter but somehow I think it tastes much better than bud light and crap. I am the person who infamously gets high on ONE beer so you can imagine how much of a toll that took on me. But we had a great time laughing. Recounting the pasts and planning the near future, you know like snowboard etc, no more career talk at night hehe. So yeah we got all drunk and we decided to blaze at nne friend's house. So that is what we did. I started to sober up and I think the herb and the achohol was a good mix. One passed out and the other one was playing computer game and I was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Such a good movie I really wanted to fly like them too. So I got home around like 5am without sleeping played another 2 hours of video game and woke up at 2:46pm >_<....



more updates: yeah you think i finished?

Today my HR department had a Halloween themed show. I thought it'd suck but went to see anyway. It was on the second floor and we had to wait in line waiting for it. I was like this is ridiculous. But when I saw these people doing a theme from Hairspray I was so entertained. I have never seen Hairspray before but these people kinda made me want to see it. The highlight was there was a big big guy who was about 6'3'' with heels. Full in makeup and drag and danced to the music and sang. Toward the end stripped down to a very tight under garment and continued to shake it. It was off the hook. And when he exited it he extended his hand and give my chest a very nice squeeze. I was folding my arms so my muscle was already bulging and he totally grabbed a handful. I am just like how did I have a major gay moment in this occasion it was so unexpected. I don't get grabbed by drag queens in gay clubs. what is going on here? you've got to love Halloween I guess. haha.

Oh yeah last thing, I read that Dick Cheney greeted Bush as DARTH VADER today, how grossly arrogant and funny. That old fart he should have brought a rifle too so he would just one stone kill two birds style mock his legacies.

OH PPSSSS... I bought Britney Spear's Blackout. It is probably her best album and I REALLY love some of her songs. I really didn't like her like 3 months ago and all of sudden I think she is the bitch because she got so much attitude and toward the end she gives you results. This album is probably the biggest finger she shove down at nay sayer's throat. I feel a special kind of resonance toward her. I will write about it in the future... That is for another time.

Later gators Hamilton
It is empty now but I will edit this post later. It is getting unhealthily late so I am going to actually sleep. However, once I put this post up, I know I will have to update it soon. Just like my gym tracker. It kinda forces me to do something that I should. I hope this doesn't appear to be as lame as it seems to be lol

Thursday, October 25, 2007

One of those bullshit days

First thing first.

I have been very busy lately. Work entered busy season I somehow kept up my workout schedule. So basically I get up around 730am and would end up home around 9-930pm. So when I finish eating it'd already 10. I neglected pretty much all blogs and wasn't chatting with any bloggers anymore. I guess it is one of those hiatus that you just have take. I am trying to slowly catch up. I mean not just catching up on the blogs and stuff but also my dream and my life. I mean isn't that we do constantly. I hope I can feel just a little content in the near future but that requires me to make the right move in every aspect of life.

Anyways, this is what kind of shit went down today.

It was something that happened over lunch and it totally ruined a great lunch plus the rest of my day.

My co-worker and I went for a walk to the commisary for lunch and she happened to run into this friend of hers who used to work with her at her last company. He is this tall Korean guy. I thought he was nice but it totally rub me the wrong way when he started to do the whole pray shit before lunch. I had the similar experience with a Korean girl before and yes according to her she was a faithful Christian. I mean you thank the jeebus even for the food I would assume she would follow his other teachings kinda nice. But she was the rudest and sadest slut I have ever met. She had to kiss some frog in a club in order to compete with another girl in my group. In vain of course because the other girl fucked a model in 30 mins once we got in the club back in New York. Anyways, so I wanted to keep my judgement since everyone is different and it is wrong to steorotype people. Well that was a waste of thoughtful mind of mine.

We had a great conversation in the beginning joking and everything. Time passed by fairly fast but we had a great conversation and we didn't want to leave.

Then he mentioned that he was engaged. I was like wow nice. So the following conversation took place,,

"where is your ring."
"oh guys don't wear a ring."
"lol shit see i am so clueless."
"well so only the girls wear rings huh."
My coworker chimed in,
"yeah girls wear a ring first."
So I said,
"is it a band or the ring. I thought the girls get a band first then the diamond when the marriage takes place."
The douchebag said,
"oh no you buy the whole thing altogether. The rock included. Yeap guys don't get to save that money haha."
"Wow, that is nice, the girls get the rock right away. I really thought you know you give a band like a promise ring kinda thing and the rock when everything is official."

We all just laughing and everything then I said,
"Yeah I would probably give a band first so if it doens't workout you know it'd be just band not the rock and everything."
My coworker said
"omg, no you either give it or you don't, it has to be the whole thing."

We laughed more. Apparently this is how it went down the whole lunch, joking mostly. I mean he even joked about how he acted differently at church just for the image of it and everything, I thought he wasn't uptight.

Then he changed face and said,
"I don't appreciate how you talk shit about my engagement, so you can keep your fucking opinion to yourself, I don't need to hear it ok?"

I was just like WTF???

"Excuse me, but what the fuck are you talking about now?"
"You don't need to talk about my engagement i don't appreciate it."
"ok, but you do realize that I wasn't even talking about your shit right?"
My coworker said, "omg you guys, come on don't be serious, we are just talking about stuff in general."

I said, "So why would I comment on your engagement or marriage in a bad way when you just told me that you are engagement. Do I look like I am stupid? I mean what kind of asshole would do that?"

"Then what do you talk to then. You looked at me and talked about it right after I mentioned my engagement, then who are you talking? Why would you not talk about it if you are looking at me?"

"First of all, I am not talking about engagement, it is not my business and clearly the subject wasn't about your particular shit. I am using "I" in the sentence so I thought it'd be clear. I mean my god what kind of person would say stuff like that like talk shit about one's engagement. Are you fucking out of your mind? I look at you because we are all having lunch together talking together, and you just happen to be here."

"Oh so I should feel really honored to have lunch with you now?"

"WTF are you even talking about now. I can't talk to people like you. You are fuking crazy. I mean wow, how can someone, I mean you are just flat out offensive."

"Go fuck yourself, at least I am with a girl."

"Wow, you go fuck yourself, apparently you need a life."

So I walked up and my coworker ran after me. She was just so terrified. She worried if this would affect my relationship with her. I am like get a grip woman.

All that fucking religious teaching and shit. Seriously, I somehow find religious hypocrite the most offensive. Somehow I haven't seen any self proclaimed righteous and faithful Christians or Catholic for that matter do what the bible teaches. What happened to treating people with respect and do not judge and be kind. I mean he seriously just fucking twisted my word and used that and turned into an apeshit and went on full frenzy mode. That is got to be the great example for his youth group. I am sure he also teaches his acolyte how to lynch gays and jews.

This kind of people grosses me out.

Fuck these fucking retards. I mean the day was great and everything and I would like to talk about many other more exciting stuff. But he just pooped all over me. Now I am all sad and depressed. Not because of him though. I am easily affected emotionally I guess.

Sigh, one of those days. It sucks. I do'nt know how some good times just can suddenly turn into shit. I wish I had a boyfriend i mean someone love me like a partner. I think that is what I need in my life right now. I sometimes feel so weak. I mean i really should have just brushed this off but somehow it lingers. After workout and stay upbeat at work now I am exhausted emotionally. I feel like I am running a race with depression with my positive attitude and my attitude gets beaten down a lot. I don't know. One of those days.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Well This has been forever

Well maybe not as long as my vacation but the difference is that I am here and able to post anytime I just somehow chose not to.

Life's been pretty chill lately. Made some new friends, hit on a straight guy, and went to party with bunch gays that was fun.

I was pretty down a while back because I had a major fall out with one of my closest friends and we weren't talking. We are still not talking and I am kinda over it. However, I think that somehow made me open my eyes and look at other individuals. So I guess that is a good thing overall.

There is this one guy at my gym whom everyone seems to know. He is French and somewhat flamboyant. I thought to myself, "hmmm he is either gay or just European". It turns out that he is both!

I talked to him about two weeks ago and I told him where I worked etc. He said
"oooo you should meet my friend, who happens to be in the same company with you, such a sweet person."
I said, "oh cool, a guy or a girl?"
"oh a guy, haha I am not trying to setup a date for you haha", "I mean I don't know if you like guys or girls, so I am just saying, "so what do you like".

That was when I was still in the gym so I just laughed. About five seconds later we were out of the gym and he asked me again why am I laughing. I said,

"What about you, are you gay?"
"He said yes, I have always been, haha. I have a partner who was engaged to a woman though, but me, yes always gay", "so are you gay?"
"I just came out not long ago."

As I was speaking, there are more people coming out of the gym and I could see this one woman took a bit extra attention to our conversation when I said I just came out. It felt kinda liberating lol.

So after this exchange, we got each other's numbers and proceeded to text each other for the next week or so. Grabbed drink on Monday with him and his TV producing friend. They were pretty nice and so easy to talk to. But I guess that is because they are more mature both mentally and physically and they have less that I am the center of the universe flare. That flare really kinda scares me hehe.


About hitting on the straight guy it was pretty funny. I saw this swimmer build guy at the gym working out. He is very fit but apparently his upper body isn't strong. He looked VERY young and I just couldn't stop looking. I think he saw me looking too since I wasn't subtle at all. LOL sigh, I don't do subtle often not because I don't want to. It is just that I am so clumsy when it comes to subtle I can never pretend lol. So we finished working out together and he was in the locker changing and I just stared. When we both walked out the gym, I followed him to his car. He seemed to look in my way too but he didn't initiate a conversation so eventually I just went up to him and introduced myself. He was really nice and talkative. When I felt the conversation was a bit too superficial, I just cut straight to the chase. I asked him if he liked guys and hopefully he was since I couldn't stop looking that swimmer body. He started laughing saying that he was flattered but he wasn't. He said his brother is bi and his aunt is gay and his 3 uncles are all gay but after experimenting with his brothers' friends, he didn't find it as appealing as woman. It was nice exchange.

Afterward, JR said that is his way of rejecting me. I guess it is also a possibility. But it is a nice experience nevertheless. At least I am doing something and actively trying to get what I want right?


This Friday, the gay went out. French guy lives in Silver Lake with his partner and I went to his house. Another 3 gays showed up. They are all in the TV/Movie industry. They seem to be doing quite well for themselves. Lovely people, very easy to talk to. So we chatted and drank for about 2 hours and headed to this place called MJ's. My first time tipping the strippers and it was pretty fun haha, we drank more and danced the night off. The club wasn't as crazy as West Hollywood's and probably less eye candy as well but it was good enough. Great company really counts. Then it started to rain. Felt pretty refreshing even though I normally hate the rain. I came home around 3 am and played some video games and spent Saturday resting.

There you have it!

Have fun.


Saturday, September 29, 2007

Score again

First of all thank you for the comments!

Well Guess WHAT! I got rear ended on Friday morning on my way to work. Yes! IT is me Against the World now!!! Bring it on bitches. Maybe it is time for me to pick a faith, Jesus Mary Buddha Santa Clause Eastern Bunny, help me!!!

Luckily, there was no damage. I am now just screaming at people who crash into me and they seem to be either confused or just intimidated. They probably didn't really talk to me all that much because I appeared to be psycho.

Friday went fairly quickly because I had a company outing thing. We went to a really nice park and had fried chicken, fries, coke, and pies. I had the first 3 items and they were so good. I haven't had any of those for a freaking long time. Fat does taste better!


Worked out super hard with my cute trainer and had good time just being stupid and really working hard. I bought Muscle Milk according to his advice and I hope this shit can pack me additional 20 lbs so I can whore myself around much easier.

After working out I went to Jumba Juice and Vitamin World and on my way out I started talking to this old guy. Then we just had a conversation for 30 mins on the street like that. He wasn't going to ask me to have sex with him for money. No, I wish since I kinda need extra money for my insurance but that wasn't the case. Instead we just talked about working out, career path and a bit economy and China. I know boring shit. However, it was pretty interesting and it was a very genuine event. I think it was genuine because we just had a conversation that went really well. We had something in common to share. Some subjective social observation if you will. I don't think people do this kinda things anymore, much less in L.A. at least. So that was kinda interesting and random. I enjoyed it anyway.

Ok the following is the boring stuff, so please skip if you really have nothing else to do, like jackoff and stuff you know.

Came home for dinner and mom said that she went to this very unique restaurant in China last week. China has 1.6 billion people and they are known for their food. So in order to stand out in China in the eatery business you really have to be creative nowadays thus we have all these themed restaurants. That seems to be all the rage nowadays. The one that she went to feature the theme from the 1960s during the 10 years long Culture Revolution of the Mao's years.

For those of you who have no idea about that (or history in general for that matter, lol just kidding), it was a tough time for anyone to endure. The country went through this social, cultural and political movement that shook every single individual's world. People became crazy and the whole general environment had a striking resemblance of the novel "1984". Though it was the toughest 10 years that many many Chinese endured. A lot of memories, the good or the bad still linger. People simply cannot forget that. Quoting from the promo slogan for the new PBS WWII documentary "The War", "It is impossible and immoral to forget that". People from my parents' generation sure cannot forget but the horror, chaos, and revolution that forever changed 1 billion people have lost its power in our generation. It past on as stories, legends and eventuall became myths. That is how we could have this Cultural Revolution themed restaurant. People are singing and dancing in the fashion that you could only find during that time. They wore the Mao outfit. The restaurants were covered in broken bricks and fliers printed in cheap colored paper. Instead of being chaotic and horrifying, it was surprisingly festival for the patrons. The restaurant is a hit in Beijing, the capital of China and people had to make reservation at least a day prior to their visit.

My mom said the show was great and it was unique. However, I just felt kinda bad. It is one thing that you have enough heart and humor to look at the sad and tragic pasts with a comical approach. It is however kinda offensive to capitalize it on a surface level for the shear shocking value. I mean it is perfectly fine here, I mean it is the America, people only react to shocks now. But in a country, which is still young at its modern development of entertainment business, it is kinda disturbing that they already went there. It is like you make a WWII themed restaurants featuring poison gas chambers. I am sure the Jews aren't laughing.

They lost touch with reality. The restaurant is a mere ghost of the surface of that devastating past. In a way it is reinterpreting history and the current generation is even less concerned with what just went terribly wrong only 50 years ago. For people who have endured that to enjoy these is totally beyond me. AND THEY DO. I guess they haven't suffered enough or they just really want to move on. Turning a blind eye. I mean ignorance is after all the most powerful tool that one is born with. Right?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I am totally scoring it

Yeah. I just have had another car accident. AND IT WAS STILL MY FAULT. All 3 car accidents that I have had so far are all my faults. This really sucks. I am averaging one financially painful accident a year. My insurance is already through the roof. Now after this one, I think the insurance will probably see Jesus first.

I stopped at a stop sign and after looking left right and left and all that I came out of the stop sign. Because it was a very crowded local street that I couldn't see there was another car coming at me. He didn't even fucking slow down. After the accident he kept saying he was slow. I am like I am sure it is slow because My fucking wheel is about to fall off.

My dad came and drove it home. But on the way home he said the wheel was really about to fall off. If that is the case, then I am totally fucked in my bank.

WHY ME~!~!~!~!~!~ I am like prone to car accident or something.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a fancy West Hollywood lounge in a gay event but now I am back home probably end up with gay porn. This really blows...

Well I hope JR you went and I hope you enjoyed it. Yeah, please enjoy it for me =/...

Monday, September 24, 2007


You can't stop loving her.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


yeah that is a scary concept.

This post would be short.

"If you die, I would put your ash in an urn and talk to you everyday."

A blogger told me at 2:00am in the morning. Should I be worried.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Life is a beautiful thing,

I just come across this animation online and it cannot be more truthful. I mean we all have said the similar things and deep down we still think it is true. But it is so easy to get caught up in the daily errands. Life is a musical in which there should be dances and music and we should live through it. Instead of living it like a straight line, a journey, or a pilgrimage. It is so true. I think I have mentioned that I started to have mid life crisis since I was 18. Now I come to think of it, it probably started when I was in elemental school. Everyone told us to keep moving up on the academic ladder. Then when we start working we should aim to get promoted and what not. Life is about reaching that idealism or that theory called success. In the beginning I guess I was having those midlife crisis because I was terrified. Everyone around me told me that should I given up on this academic themed ladder climbing game, I would end up cleaning the streets. In a society where success was mostly measured on a better materialistic living standard, people would go as far as calling teachers, workers, and anyone who depends on a salary a failure. Then people have to find their own success caliber. It is always relative. That is why there is always a higher quota that makes everyone like chinchilla on heat. Never a dull moment to fulfill that higher quota. Hoax is what Alan Watts called it.

I am ranting this isn't for random reasons. Though as pretentious as it sounds, this particular topic is actually something that is always on my mind. As I just mentioned that if my anxiety attack was from fear of failure, then my current doubts, worries, and any feeling that resembles similarities to midlife crisis are probably due to my fear of the truth. As another blogger Rishi said once to me that everyone has to choose a path in their lives. In a way, everyone's life is somewhat predetermined. Here I am going to make a broader generalization, please excuse me Rishi if this isn't what you meant all, that Free will is relative. Everything we do or don't do is related to a big part of our finance capability. For some professions, such as Rishi's, the future neuro surgeon, he seems to know exactly how much he will be making and how he is going to live his life using that money. So in order to reach that goal, he has to go through this quota. He is very successful for his age already - one of the best in his medical program in the nation. Yet it is far from over. It is a pilgrimage indeed. The road in medicine is a life long one. He spends most of the time in the lab and working his ass off. Luckily he enjoys it.

But for me, I somehow just never thought that is how life should/would be. As we were talking, I pointed out that this belief of mine was one of our fundamental differences as two individuals. Though we both went to private universities and went through intense programs in our field, I still somehow felt that he was destined to do what he does and he does it with all this passion or even rage. I do have that side of competitiveness but I just feel that when an individual lives and breathes his/her profession, he/she is being consumed by it. Somehow I just feel that life should just be something more than that.

I am worried nowadays is that I am still in my pursuit of that "successful" quota and I already know there is no end in my field. I mean for Rishi, it is to become a neuro surgeon. Then he will continue to do research. Saving people's lives, and conquer diseases what not. But even he doesn't figure out how to completely cure Parkinson's or brain cancer, he would still have this intrinsic satisfaction. But what about business? I remember I read this article in which the guys in NY financial field are complaining about 7 figure salaries. In their own words, when you are poor you always wanted to fly first class, and after 5-7 years of life draining career building, you finally can afford first class. But then you suddenly find out that real rich people fly private. I don't know because business and corporate world provides probably everything except for the feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. If there is, it would be short lived but quotas are instantly raised. If anything it makes you want more.

What if after I am 45, become that pathetic dude in this video, looking into my "accomplishment" bag and shake and shake and nothing tangible really comes out? Then I really realize that this is all just a hoax. What would I do then. Would I be able to find my life value from a partner or husband by then so I don't feel sad lonely and empty? I don't want to live in this hoax yet billions of people live through it.

I guess I like California because it gives you a chance to breath. Whenever you just walk down a beach or a very nice and quiet neighborhood, you feel you are touching life. I like that. Despite my keen interest in i-bank and money, another side of me just really wants to enjoy the sun and catch some waves for the rest of my life.

Anyways, going to bed. I have a rat race to catch tomorrow morning.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

A weird morning

Everything has been great this weekend till this morning.

Saturday I met up with one of my old buddies and we hit up Huntington Beach for a day of relaxation. He picked me up around 11:00 and we got there 11:50am. Such a short distant I probably should go to this beach from now on. The sun was out, bright and hot. However, the wind was cold and the water was freezing. Most noticeably, the fog refused to disappear. I am not talking about some fuzziness in the air that might stop me from checking out a hot guy. I am talking about some hardcore fog. We could barely see the waves while standing on the beach. Looking at the shore, we really couldn't see the condos. I guess this is something happens often in this area since all the beach goers didn't seem to mind the fog at all. So after 1 hour sun bathing, my friend and I finally decided to go in the water. Normally I wouldn't jump in due to the sub zero temperature of the water. But I dared him to go in so now there is no going back for me. Five minutes in the water was enough for me I couldn't feel my legs and I had very short breathe. I guess this is how you would feel if one day you are in the unfortunate hypothermia scenario. Definitely horrible. We played around talked a lot and just totally enjoyed the day. The fog was enjoying it too. It came and went like it was having fun along with the beach goers. But finally it took its last bow around 2:00pm and the tanning couldn't get any better.

My buddy and I talked about season pass to Big Bear so we could go snowboard all winter long. We talked about relationship and friends and career. It was again just really relaxing and I didn't have to care what I had to say. It was refreshing for the mind. After the beach we went to this small joint nearby called "Taco Surf". I had one of the baddest burrito for a long time. That along with a very sweet and well mixed strawberry Margarita, the afternoon has never seemed to be so beautiful haha. We totally pigged out because the portion was so large. Laughed a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, def good times.

This prompted me to tell him that I was gay. But he is in fact homophobic. This kinda scares me a bit. I do not want to lose another friend because of this and he is a really hard working, sincere guy. I guess I will just keep hanging out with him throughout the winter see where this leads us.


This morning I had a dream. Well technically speaking, it was afternoon because I woke up at 2:00pm. In the dream I was at a small bar and people were talking, drinking, and eating. I somehow was sitting in front of the girl who outted me to her boyfriend and brother despite the fact that I specifically told her not to. I don't know why I dreamed about drinking with her because she really wasn't on mind for a long time. Then suddenly the whole bar became quiet because it was the hourly "cell phone" time. Supposedly in this short period of time, everyone could use the cell phone and call people they need to talk to and everyone should speak at a low volume so that their conversation with their friends and family can go on interrupted. Then one of my good friends back in the last semester at USC came by. She is in the i-banking business now and working in San Francisco. I was so surprised she came. We started to talk as if we were still in school. It was so nice. Then she told me, Hamilton, you really need a career change, you can do soo much more. Come on change it. Then I just woke up.

Indeed, I miss this girl from USC. She is smart, talented at what she does, and very sociable. I called her right away and we talked about this dream, career etc on the phone for a bit. Ah... I hope I can head up there soon. I need to keep these quality people in my life close. Also I had to mention that she was so sweet to ask me if I am seeing anyone and ensured me I would find the right one when I am ready. haha. so sweet.

Anyways, I am going to eat now and watch the Emmy's. One of my coworker is actually going to the Emmy's. So fancy, it is just like how my managers rocked out at the VMA. When can I roll like that????? damn.

Friday, September 14, 2007

A bit perk

I guess that is a bit of consolation for my little pay. As employee, we get to advance screen our products a bit earlier than the public.

A couple days ago, I invited a friend of mine and we did the advanced screening of The December Boys. It is kinda sweet, sad, and happy. It is one of those movies in which you somehow find a bit comfort and happiness out of a miserable situation. Daniel aka Harry Porter kinda broke off his cash cow/career killer role -- Harry Porter. Especially the innocent sex scenes made you forget about the asexual Harry Porter right away. My friend, who cried over SpiderMan 3 inevitably cried again. It was an independent film that was partially invested by Village Roadshow (aussie company) so you get to see a lot of aussie in it.

Overall it is a pretty good movie and I think it is interesting to see how Daniel chooses his strategy to break off his Harry Porter image. It is kinda hard considering he has two more to go. I am not a Harry Porter fan. But I have to give credits to this franchise. Apparently the 5 Harry Porter movies already established a franchise that in revenue has surpassed 6 Star Wars movies, and 22 James Bond movies. It is truly amazing how much purchase power the babies and whimsical young adults possess. Or rather, how willing their parents are to spend that much money for them.

Coming up, advanced screening of Assassination of Jesse James. I want me some Brad Pitt!!!!!!!


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Omg I feel healthy

I feel great right now. I just jacked off. Usually masturbation for gay men is like breakfast. It is something you are supposed to do everyday and we happen to skip it here and there.

Today was different. I was thinking about TH. I wanted to fuck since 8:00am on the way to work. I thought busy work would get me occupied. It indeed did but my mind had a part that was busy thinking about where he could put his cock in me all day long. So I texted him around 10am and he said he would be done with work around 6. Ok that sounds like a fuck plan right? So I was holding and controlling my sex drive all fucking day long. Precum was leaking like a faucet. Amazingly I did all my work fast regardless.

I held my urge, did my roadside 30 mins nap in Pasadena. Then I fought off the urge to head straight to his place, I went to the gym and worked out with unsurpassed efficiency. I mean in a hour I felt dizzy and buff. So that is good enough. When I got into the parking lot I immediately made a phone call. Didn't pick up. 3 calls later I felt desperate. I thought about just dropping by his place. Then the better educated part of me defeated the beast. I will not be that guy who shows up uninvited for a cock. That is just cheap. So I decided to go home jackoff and grab dinner with a friend.

Now the whole day worth of frustration and tension has been released. I have never felt better before. However, I do feel a bit depressed because I wanted sex. oh wellz...

On another note, I think all the conservative religious farts should start having sex with someone. Apparently their wives aren't doing their the favors so maybe they should start fucking each other. Then they would be much happier and stop demonizing other people.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Let's enjoy some real life comedy

It is so funny because you can't make this shit up. This video has circulated on the interweb for a while now. But just watch Chris Matthew's reaction after Closet Larry's naughty boy comment. I still burst into laughters. I mean his expression just just priceless.

oh really that is good to know

The daddy of all bomb is here. Introduced by the Russians. Would you look at that orange glow, so pretty.

You would think that the military competition should be all macho and very grown up. But the names they came up with were just such childish rubbish. We, U.S., introduced the "mother of all bombs", and of course the Russians will have something called "dad of all bombs." I am sure the next generation would be the granddaddy of all bombs. Where are they going from there? I think they should totally compare penis sizes too.

This is how the adorable Russians described their bombs,

"dad of all bombs is four times more powerful than the U.S. "mother of all bombs."

Oh yeah that is so tough, I am so beating you. My dad is four times more powerful than your moms. Of course that is not good enough, he continued on,

"Unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn't hurt the environment. "

Yeah I am so fucking thrilled that your normal bombs are reaching nuclear weapon capability and at the same time remain Eco friendly. I am sure the human race is all rejoicing now. We can finally not leave abnormal ugly babies due to radiation after million death bomb wars. Hallelujah! Praise the lord! omg jeebus.

Fucking idiots.

A facet of humanity, A facet of life

I had a very long conversation today with Rishi from MSTP Bound over msn. As a matter of fact, I just finished with him. So it'd be totally boring for me to completely reiterate the whole thing. But all in all, I feel that we as people are MUCH less tolerant to others nowadays.

The reason we even had this long conversation is because I truly feel bad for Britney Spears. Yeah criticize all you want. I am sure even without fame, money and working since 13 years old, you are probably catastrophically fucked up in your life one point and another. Also, since your parents aren't exactly like Britney, who has fame and money and started working since 13, they know that due to their pathetic 401k and your fucked up instincts, you probably can't afford doing the same grave mistake twice. Actually, they know better. When they see a hint of fucked-up-ness when you beat your friend with a bat because of he stole your sandwich, they do everything in their power, religion, guilty, brutality, or for Paris Hilton's case, no more Bentley, to stop that pattern from developing. But as we can see, money usually fucks that plan up too. I mean look at Paris, she is just lovely too. So your poor parents really know exactly where you are going the first time you swallowed your goldfish, so they punish you royally. You, like a little bitch, one way and another, suddenly have a taste of life and responsibility. Or, better, they disown you. I mean usually Americans breed like crazy, especially in California, I am sure they have the leverage to disown one or two if the kids are just too fucked in the head. I mean you are a total liability and not mentioning your unpaid emotional distress. Disowning you would be probably one of their best things they have done in their lives since they aborted your other siblings when their party nights became a big mistake. See parents fuck up too. Anyways, once you are gone, all they have is written-off liabilities and you become someone else's problem.

But Britney couldn't be. She earns millions. As matter of fact, before her down fall, her estate is estimated to be around 100 million at tender age of 21. Let's not say 100 million. I am sure a shit load of you would just whore your whole family out, one way or another, to get that 10 million. That, my friend makes you 10 times more of what you considered to be a total disaster.

She couldn't know better. Starting beauty pageant and working since 13, all she is now is a grown up woman with 2 kids but who is really still at her 15 year old mentality. Her short life as she knows it has been nothing but success. Her family and the industry, also the general public lived through her success, earning billions of dollars. Now she is a fallen starlet and the society is still milking her out.

I am not saying she takes no blame for it at all but I just don't think most of the Americans could have done it better if it was them in her shoes. Remember she was the first tween stars reaching super stardom. Basically SHE is the handbook for the next generation stars who happen to be less of a fuck up.


I am actually not writing this for Britney, interestingly enough considering I have been talking about her so much. Well I, regardless of being indifferent to her success, suddenly felt sympathetic. I sincerely feel bad for her as I watched her disastrous performance. Her face would be crying if it could. Even she kinda realized that all is over after it was finished.

I had a lot of obstacles growing up, I mean being gay is just one of the many and in certain extend it is not the hardest thing in my life actually. So after all this, I TRULY think that pity, sympathy, or the very least, the ability to be non judgemental AT TIMES is really a virtue in today's society. I feel that at least at this moment, pity is really a fine form of humanity. As soon as you feel bad for something with flaws, that is exactly when your soul starts to make you different from an animal. Human emotions, are probably the only inexhaustible source in this world. It does run out only when we choose to. However, I think in general, if we all just keep an open mind, and shows some pity to people who are in unfortunate situations, I really think the world can be MUCH better. It is like no brainer you know. But also, you know karma has its ways.

Anyways, enough ranting tonight. Fuck it I still like the new song by Britney. I am gay what can I say.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Sexual encounters

My blog has been pretty pg-13. The reason is well one, I practice abstinent. Ok just kidding. Well I do not have all that many encounters, and second even when I do, I somehow find it extremely tiring and boring to write a sexual encounter. Also, when it comes to sex, I prefer to do it instead of writing about it. I mean what would you write down?

"oh yeah bitch that is how I like it.'

How fucking dumb and tacky that is.

So I guess everything is a bit less interesting when there is no sex.

Another reason is that I never had a real relationship. You know, boyfriend, husband or fuck buddy or w/e. I did have some flings but I really do not know how I would want to categorize them even till today. I tried to write some of it but everytime when I sit in front of my computer, I find myself speechless. Sex, relationship, and encounters could be awkward as it is in real life, and now I am about to add boredom and dullness on top of it and replay the whole thing in deadly uninteresting fashion on my blog. Usually I just get rid of them after the first paragraph.

But then I do feel like mentioning them because I always wanted to have a little black book in which I record all my fuck experiences in detail. I mean the black book is already setup and I am just not sure why I am not putting my memories up on the blog.

Anyways, I guess I will start to just simply record for my own memory's sake. I am pretty sure I still cannot record graphic details for those aforementioned reasons.

Today's encounter was a white dude, age 30. He lives in Pasadena, and let's call him TH. T stands for his name and H stands for hookup. Anyways, we started talking online and he had a very beefy and muscular body, a bit hairy too. Definitely something that I never had before. So quickly we setup the time/location and I drove up to his apt. He had a dog named Skippy. How cute. The sex was o.k. I can't blame them because for one I haven't bottomed all that much so that my ass is extremely tight -_-... I need to find a regular so my ass would adapt to this kind of fucking. I sometimes do envy woman. Their vagina is such a ingenious design by nature.. ok I guess that was kinda gross... So the actual anal sex wasn't so long but I definitely had my way with his cock using my mouth. I don't know, I just like oral a lot. He was gentle actually and I liked that.

After fucking we did a brief talk and then I found out that he was actually a construction worker. No wonder the beefiness. It is very pornolicious but I am not sure if that is where I want to direct my fucking pattern in the future... Anyways I might call him again to practice.

here is how he looked like. It felt pretty good in my hands.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

What would I do?

One of my good blogger friend's real identity has just been revealed on his very own blog. His name was plastered in a comment section. Of course my friend is not amused by this and feels threatened. Now his blog turned into temporary invitation only mode. We talked about it and together we think it is not as critical as he think since 1. he is already openly gay to both his family and friends, 2. he is not talking about bad things about people on his blog. Since he writes because he wants to, there is no reason for his writing style to suddenly change. His currently blog is very innocent as it is. I mean yes there is sex encounter entries but what would other people say regarding that? Nothing. So he is probably going to unlock it soon.

The problem is that even though no damage has been done, it is still irritating that someone who knows you is peeking through a window and see your life unravels whereas you can't even peek back. I guess that could be very upsetting. I suggested my friend to confront him/her on an ethical level in the same comment section and then keep the blog open for a while see what will happen.

Now I am wondering what would I do if this happens to me. I am in the financial field and things like this could be career damaging. I mean it has happened before so I should be extra careful. Should it happen, should I just go privated you know back to the closet? or should I just not care. Or maybe give up on blogging?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

my mom and jessica simpson

they have nothing in common, but my mom had a major Jessica Simpsons moment today.

I told my mom a couple weeks ago that I wanted to eat some canned tuna for my protein intake. Her first visit to the market didn't bring back anything. She said the market didn't carry canned tuna. I was like, well that is strange how can a market not to carry tuna. But w/e, I am not in a dare need of eating canned tuna.

Today she came back with Chunky Tuna. I am like oh yeah this is it. She then said,

"Well this is the only brand I could find. I searched isle by isle. There were lots other similar cans, but it says Chicken on them, So i wasn't sure if I should buy them."

I was like, dear lord... I mean she is an immigrant so she doesn't know w/e. But the fact that she said it just like Jessica did on the TV was priceless. I had to explained it to her that it is called Chicken of the Sea is because it is nutritious and common like Chicken, but of the sea. She is like oh... that is why, but it is so stupid... I am like hmm you are kinda right. haha.

Anyways, my mom is pretty cute sometimes.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Life Moves on

It always does, no matter what happens.

Post coming out to my mom has been amazing. The second day was just as painful though. She still looked devastated and we would cry as soon as the quietness reoccupy the room. It is even harder because we had to hide it from my dad. She said some even more hurtful things such as "I wish I never had you so wouldn't suffer though this abomination" or "how about we die together." Yes she did go there. I kept my cool and focused on the ball. The key was to keep talking to her. I wouldn't leave a single moment and let her mind go wild on its own. I had to drag her out of that self loathing spiral and make her understand that it is MY life and MY issue to deal with. She needed to stop worrying for me (at least for the wrong reasons), and she needed to stop mentally enslaving herself to become a victim. She has been an incredibly strong woman and she has been trying to keep an open mind. As soon as she started talking, I knew it was going to be a good journey from there and on.

I was absolutely right, after 3 days of constant communication she has already made almost an 180 degrees turn. Even though she still wanted me to try girls and allegedly a nerd is coming from Australia and she wants me to see her (my eyes have rolled to the back of my confused brain), she and I are very clear that my attraction to guys is way more compared to girls and she really know that most likely I would end up with a guy.

I think it was three days ago that she told me she read an article about a Chinese guy coming out to his parents. Her mom's reaction was the same. The family was just like our family which has been very traditional and they maintained a healthy environment since the kid was little. In the article, the gay dude made his mom a grandma in 5 years. So after my mom read it, her comments were "I guess things work out, it might not be so bad." Even though I could tell that it wasn't something that she originally planned but after literally days of communication, along with her own tremendous effort, her view and her hopes started to transform. As I told her, since we are living in this world, we are already the lucky ones. Look at the brighter side of all things and life will move along much better. People really don't appreciate or understand this until they encounter some grief adversity I guess. I think once something traumatic happens, the recovery definitely makes a person better if the person is willing to direct him/herself to the right path.


For those of you who left me messages, emails, and phone calls, I have to say a very sincere thank you. Without this blog, I think my accidental coming out wouldn't come so soon and I think life has become much better and easier. For that I have to appreciate the mere chance of starting a blog so randomly. Also, more importantly, I have to say thank you again to those of you who kept talking to me online. Topics might be random but the communication, gay related or not build up confidence in me and I really really appreciate that. Amit, I am fine. Hehe don't worry, I didn't jump off a tall building and check out. lol~~


ok back to my regular gay rant. I know from here and on I think the blog will not likely have anything huge and dramatic for a while. It is going to be boring and rant filled, so turn away if you wish hehe.

I went to the outlet, wasn't so much for the shopping but to just hanging out more with my friends.

I somehow have a gut feeling that in a year or two, my life will have another transformation and so will my friends. For example, my best friend is comtemplating wether or not to take Dior's offer. If she does, she has to sign a five year contract and travel to a different place every month. I always wanted to keep everyone close by so I feel a sense of community. However, we are all growing up and we have to burst the bubble and start to live our lives. LA is just one fucked up city and there is a whole world outside of California and even America. Anyways, back to my story...

Rishi shut up, outlet is for people too! It was great. At YSL an obvious gay couple were shopping. They weren't fem or anything. But the way they interacted with each other and how they dressed and how the older one checked me out once I entered were all clear signs. I think the older one was the younger one's sugar daddy because he seemed to be paying the bill. Hehe. I know I am so cynical. On the way out, a pair of white boys dressed up like Euro trash meets California surfer wanna bes walked pass us laughing and chatting. The long haired one stopped and definitely checked me out with failed subtlety. I mean he did that seemed to be looking down but actually looking at you kinda thing. haha I loved it, I mean it is always great when someone nice checking you out! lol~~ Then when I went to True Religion, a David Beckham kinda guy was shopping there and I couldn't take my eyes off him. We exchanged looks but I was sure he wasn't into me. I mean if he stepped in a gay club he would demand attention whereas I just sit at the corner... However, my friend said he was gross due to his dark pink sandals. Yeah I think it is kinda gross too haha.

I don't know I think once your parent knows, you feel more comfortable doing whatever you are doing. It isn't so bad anymore.


On another note, I am cutting a friend of my life again. This is the 3rd time I am doing this to friends who I have met over 3 full years. In fact one was 8 years, then a 3 years, and this one was going for the 4th year. It is truly sad but I think once you see a person's essence, there is no need to waste your time on people who don't deserve it. It is not so much Holier than Thou attitude, rather, it is how compatible you feel. I am always really nice to people and the idealistic side of me always dreamed about everyone lives happily together and people treat each other with respect, care, and sincerity. Apparently, my practical side has been winning the battle since the beginning of time as I know it. The teacher that I blogged about, told us that you would be considered lucky if you could make more than two true friends in your life. It is true. Personally, I think true friends would be friends would give you the truth with all the good intentions, friends would overcome jealousy and embrace your success, friends who would treat your problems like their own and help you succeed, and friends who wouldn't be afraid of correcting your horrible personal traits. It is a one chance world and you just can't fuck it up. For gay men, it is even easier. Just see which friend of yours would stand up for you when you are the minority. I don't mean it like they have to march on the street for gay marriage. But how they react to your transformation, how they treat the topic around, and how they initiate their interaction around you and your gay friends all speak louder than their words. I am sure a lot of people are "cool" with it now, but sadly it isn't so true. They still do not fully understand what exactly it is like to be gay. A lot of them claim they are cool with it means a mere "I am not dumping you out of my life" assurance. Yes, as sad as it sounds, that is their acceptance.

The reason I am writing this is because it has to do with my recent coming out. The process has been very easy except for the mom. I really naively thought my friends were cool with it. However, I think I learned a lesson that "cool" with it isn't right. We do not need tolerance. We tolerate diseases, we tolerate a tyrant, we tolerate bad weathers. We need respect and equality. I want to be treated like I am no different than anyone else around me. We are normal people; we aren't diseases. Cool with it already has some sort of "doing you a favor" "I am very holy and moral" connotation to it. What they do not understand, also, we as closeted gays who fail to notice in this chaotic process, is that somehow their acceptance of our sexual identity has made them morally superior. So OUR issues become something that is entirely about them! I am not making an over generalizing comment here. I am sure a lot of people are really accepting it and supporting it for me. But yesterday I just learned that some may not and I think every self respecting gay man should open their eyes and really see what is going on.

I came out to a friend named J a couple months ago. Her boyfriend is Asian and extremely fob. So I never liked him to begin with. Her brother is about 5'6", skinny to the bones, and kinda fem, so if anything he would be identified as the gay man. The boyfriend and the brother both look like genuine bottoms but due to their delirious minds, they just don't see it. Yet, they are homophobic, and they think I am gay because, 1. I don't like to fix up my car. (yeah you heard it right, fucking fobs get a grip, making a fake turbo on your fucked up Toyota doesn't make you straight), 2. I seem to argue about useless shit with people, you know like, topics like respect. This friend of mine was a bit of shall we say immature. She could be friendly all the time but when you count on her doing something important, she always seems to flake out. The people in our group all tolerated her antics because she looks like 16 even though she is already 23. But who would really argue with her since she looks like 16??

Anyways because of all this, I really just wanted to maintain a healthy normal friend relationship with her. I know that because of all the differences and the lack of reliability and trust wouldn't make us the best of friends but she was good enough for me to tell her who I really was. I told her, she was shocked and she said she was honored that I trusted her enough to share this with her. (I was happy that she suddenly said something so supportive). I told her, DO not tell your bf and brother because they are homophobic even though they look gayer than I am. I don't know them, period, and they like to gossip so please DO NOT SHARE this information. However, if they directly ask you if I was gay due to some unusual circumstances, such as catching me chatting with you about guys etc, I guess it is ok to let them know. But DO NOT voluntarily advertise this. She said "oh, man that is gonna be hard, but ok I promise you I won't since it is something about 'life and death"'. I was assured because she said something so profound, she seemed to understand the magnitude of this issue and the importance of my privacy.

One month later, both her brother and boyfriend knew. And I just figured that out 3 days ago. When I confronted her, she used her signature "omg, so annoying, I don't' know what is going on, it just happened, I don't know I don't know I don't know." response. She then proceeded with some lame and vague excuse. Her explanation was because her bf and brother always talk about it so she felt really annoyed. In her mind, by telling them that I was gay would stop them from talking about me being potentially gay. First of all, if they are as straight as they sound, why would they sit together and talk about which guy would possibly be gay SO MUCH that you couldn't even just ignore it. Secondly, how is telling them that I am gay gonna stop them from talking. So much for the "life and death" comment. Their bitch mouths would be splashed all over the places and spread more about the perpetual Asian gay stereotypes, you know, I don't like to fix up my car. (seriously, what kinda fucking retards fix up cars, if you aren't rich, spend the money on investments educations and read a bit more; if you are rich, get a Bentley or Ferrari already.) The fact that she awkwardly lied about her motive was even more insulting. I mean do I look like that I am that stupid to believe this shit that she smeared all over my face?

I do not know what part of DO NOT tell them she didn't understand. I guess coming out does show who are your real friends. For them it is not a big deal to just talk about it like if they farted or not in the morning. What is even worse that they would probably just turn around and call me over sensitive. See how she made this shit completely about her and made it in a way that I coudln't even blame her for what she did. I mean what kind of douchebag would I be if I blame her for her attempt to stop them from talking about me being right?

I mean can you imagine when you rely them on something even less significant? The utter lack of respect, trust, and outright ignorance are the final draw for me. The world is large and people do come in and go in your life. I am not going to waste my time on useless fuck ups like this anymore. Man I shouldn't have bought her that fucking Juicy Couture make up bag a week ago. God I am so fucking blind.

Anyways rant off.

Thanks Rishi for the phone call I had a good laugh!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Coming out to my mom - 2

Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.

So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.

My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.

"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.

I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."

"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"

By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.

"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."

She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.

It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.

"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"


"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"


"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."

Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.

Half jokingly, "are you gay?"


More tears.

Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"

"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.

She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"

Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,

"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.

I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.

She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"

I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.

She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"

She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.

All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.

"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."

She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.

"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."

"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."

She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.

Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.

Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.

"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."

"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."

She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"

"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."

Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.

But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.

Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.

"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."

"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."

For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.

This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Coming out to my mom - 1

I think I am as in shock as she is.

The coming out was totally unplanned, unscripted, and seemed to be unnecessary at the end. Again I am so in shock that I am not sure if I should feel regret about it or not yet.

The whole thing happened because of a fight. I had a big argument with my dad again regarding some very stupid problem and then I was just angry the whole night. In addition, I am turning 24 this Friday and I have always have this conflicted feeling toward birthdays. I think it is great that you are moving on, involuntarily, but at the same time it is so incredibly sad because life isn't giving you enough time to reflect and enjoy and in my case to plan my coming out. Everyday, on the back of my mind, I somehow think about how I am living in a lie to my parents and how incredibly stupid this whole situation is. For some conservative American families, this might be a big deal since being gay is never celebrated. But for my family it is beyond just moral and psychological disorders. Because I am the only child, I have also carried on their dreams, their hopes, and their drive for better lives since I was a kid. Being gay means destroying all these establishments mentally for my mom. I am so scared to even talk about gay issues with her not mentioning telling her that her very own son is also gay.

People always say mothers always know, even they deny it, they still got it down in the back of their minds. Well some people are wrong. My mother had absolutely no freaking clue so it made my whole night even more dramatic and difficult.

Anyways. After feeling blue for a while I decided to just go to bed. Somehow my tired mind and body decided not to hit the sack. My mind went wild while I laid still on my bed. First it was just how irrational my dad has become and how great if my dad were more understanding, logical, and supportive. Not just to me but also to the whole family. I think if there is a crisis, his demeanor would just make things even more intense for my mom. Then I just felt really bad for my mom. She's given up a lot for me here in America and she really has no agenda for me whatsoever. Unlike many other Chinese parents, she never made me do a thing that I didn't want to do. I don't like to be a doctor, ok fine don't study medicine; I think being a lawyer is boring, that is ok, don't study law, etc. She has just always been very supportive and all she wanted is to make me happy and grow up as a decent person. She is a very strong woman yet extremely emotional and sometimes irrational when her emotion takes over. So at times I think she would take the news well but then I felt that she would probably go insane and just completely lose it. I really don't know what to think and what to believe. Usually my brief coming out courage would be stopped right here when I think about her emotional strength. I just really don't wish anymore hardship and pain on her side. She is getting old and I just want her to be happy too. That is all I can ask for. I hope she can live happily for another twenty years, watching me getting a family and enjoying a couple grandchildren. That is really I want for her and I am sure she isn't asking for more. The simplicity of her hopes is even more taunting for me to do any coming out attempts because I feel that I cannot even satisfy her simplest wish in her life. Al these thoughts made me feel very frustrated at myself and at the situation. So eventually I started to imagine again. I am sure a lot of gay closet kids do this too. You imagine yourself brave enough to break the news and your parents would just come over and give you a huge hug, telling you that you are still their favorite son. No matter what happens you got a family that got your back. Isn't that a nice image to have? Every time I think about this I would feel just a little bit better because I know there is still hope, things might not be as bad as I think. Also for a brief moment I believe this image. I want it so bad that I can feel it and taste it. I always have a small smile to just think about how nice it'd be if my dream is true and how fearless I would become when my family really has my back. However, tonight, this imagery is playing tricks on me, it won't leave me alone. The well accepted coming out scene is played over and over and in each subsequent replay, my mom reacted to it better.

I really started to believe that it was possible to have this happy ending. I really thought that maybe my mom really does know for a long time that maybe she just doesn't know how to break the ice. Then I made a decision. I will plan a nice dinner probably at the end of this year and just ell her then. Whatever happens then I will have to deal with it, there is no running away anymore. However, I was so caught up in this master plan that I actually felt a bit pumped up. Now there is really no way that I can sleep anymore. So I just kept on thinking. After this brief triumphant moment, I started to think about how lonely and unhappy that I feel because of this situation. The future is always this dangerous area for and the approaching birthday is like a death alarm clock that goes off the same time every year warning me I have only so little time left before I come clean. Just in a blink of an eye, I became extremely depressed again. Then I heard it, my mom coming up stairs. I didn't really want to tell her anything tonight but somehow I just really wanted my mom to be around tonight so I said
"Can't sleep, wanna just come here and sit around me for a little bit? That will be nice you know."
Never to reject a chance to spend some time with her only son, she said
"of course".

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Some quick bits

Life has been pretty peaceful lately. There is really no ups and downs. I am just chilling and taking the new found peace in my life piece by piece. Don't get me wrong, I am not 65 looking for wheelchair lifestyle, but it is just kinda nice to know certain things have been settled for good. The week passed by fairly fast because of work. I feel like that each day is composed of only three stale elements of one's life -- eat, sleep, work.



Job has been ok. Team has been going through a big restructure so that I had nothing much to do the whole week. I think I printed out about 3000 pages of financial documents so far. Yes, isn't it exciting. It is as mind blowing for me as a nice wheel for a hamster. Despite the crunch work so far, I still find the position worthwhile. My boss seems to be nice at this moment and people are definitely professional. They don't do the fake friendly chit-chat. In addition, I can wear casual outfit and shorts and sandals on Fridays. So I guess that is a bit of a compensation for my pathetic pay. I am looking forward to this week because I really want to start doing something that is intellectually challenging and worth my freaking time.


I went to a movie on Wednesday with a friend and we saw Rush Hour 3. It was the absolutely the worst movie I have seen in a long time. I have never been a fan of racial jokes and they didn't only fully exploited the beaten to death racial jokes but also invented bunch stupid racial/political jokes that seemed to be way too ignorant and preaching for its own good. The movie took itself way too seriously at times given the overall theme was ridiculous, implausible and unoriginal. In the beginning, I just felt it was such an unwise mistake that I decided to see this movie the first 20 mins. But then I just felt utterly stupid when the stupid people around me who appeared to be genuinely enjoying it. I could actually hear the gasp from the lady next to me "ah... oh... omg ganster". Where the fuck has she been? I don't know but she probably hasn't seen many movies lately. Who gasps "omg gangsters" when they see a movie...

Chris Tucker has the most annoying voice that I have ever heard and his physical comedy isn't funny at all. If I wanted to see stupid people who act like a turkey I would go see Jack Ass 2. Jackie Chan on the other hand is just too old. I mean he is like an old Chinchilla. He could barely kick anymore. One scene in the movie where he was supposed to descend a building to the streets then jump on multiple ledges to a freeway was so pathetically choreographed that Jackie Chan looked clumsy, frightened, and laughable. Clumsy because he did the sequence very slow and the scene clearly showed his stretched to the max physical ability when you can see the veins popping up on his head. Frightened because only god knows how many takes it took, he still looked at the next place to jump without ease. You could almost hear his inner self cussing like crazy for what he would do for money. Laughable because after you see Bourne Ultimatum you just feel so sorry for Jackie Chan and his character. It is like he is doing a Scary Movie style spoof of Bourne or something like that...

I can keep going on and on about their stupid accent, racial jokes, and anti war unsubtle messages. But I think you already got the idea.


This is the guy who I messaged first then returned me telling me that his body was mine for the taking and continued to flirt a bit. However, he flaked out later for no apparent reason. All my pictures are public so he saw me before his replied. I don't know what stopped his interest. Oh wellz, another flaky hookup, story of my life eh? I think I am gonna give myself another month before I venture out to WeHo again. I still need money haha and I need to get things done before I can enjoy myself fully. I think it is absolutely necessary for me now to just go out there and find what is mine. I don't want to deal with this flaky online hookup thing anymore and I think it is time to start a functional relationship.


After chatting up with my mom last night, she decided to buy me a decent bday gift this time. So we went shopping today. She bought me a pair of New Balance running shoes and new pair of Prada sunglasses. I really love them. The shoes and glasses can be used right away and I really wanted them for a long time so it was so nice of her to buy them for me haha. I am thinking about buying her a LV or Gucci bag when her bday comes around. Ah parents, sometimes they really get on your nerve but you just can't stop loving them.


I am having this episode once again. I think I have too many female friends. I really think the gay part of me totally took the advantage of it and exploited it. Now I become the victim of my identity. Interestingly enough I made these friends before they knew I was gay so I guess they weren't my friends because they didn't feel threatened or anything. That is a good thing for me. But then as much as I appreciate and cherish any friendship that I managed to maintain - I am very picky in the friends department because I don't easily let people in on a personal level - I still feel that more dudes would be better. Yet I find it kinda hard to find mature guys who can really be comfortable with who I am. I read the post from Urban Insanity and I was so caught up in his fantastic stories that I neglected one of the most distinguishable and intriguing part for me -- his guys friends discuss guys with him. I realized this fact after I went back to his many other stories on different occasions. He could be just one of the guys who just happens to talk about guys. I mean I would never be that brave or comfortable even my friends who claim that they are cool with me being gay. I mean none of the guy friends I know know I am gay but even if they are cool with it I don't think they would be all that interested to talk about my guy problems or be able to understand and really engage in any meaningful conversation regarding this matter. On the contrary, the girls can so I guess subconsciously know that girls would be more accepting so I made more effort with them? On the other hand, I feel a bit out of place when it comes to new guy friends. Usually I can carry on a conversation regarding whatever, but when it comes to hardcore sports statistics I am like a mute. That seems to be what they all talk about anyway. It is unoffensive, bonding, and interesting for the dudes so why wouldn't they talk about it. Because of the neutral nature of sports talk, people prefer it over political social and economical topics which I am pretty interested in. But all those could be very offensive at times or people are just apathetic about them. So I kinda avoided just chilling with the guys unless we are doing something. Sitting there and just talking isn't my thing I guess. It is so complicated...

The reason I am going through this again is because my bday is coming up. I feel obligated to do something because my friends feel that I should do something. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean they are already thinking about it before you think about it and they are more interested than you are, doesn't that make you feel like a douche? I kinda do so I am pumping up my enthusiasm and planning something simple next weekend. Then I realized how out of proportion the genders of my friends are. I mean I can easily call up 8 girls at this moment and I can only think of about 4 guys that I feel really close to. That is kinda gay and I probably come out of the closet by default... Some other people are out of town so I don't know what I should do. Limit the female guests? Then what if they find out... Ah... I wish I were more of a guy's guy. I am really not that feminine on the outside but I guess there is a lot of my emotional traits that are very sensitive and feminine. This somehow kills me to even just think about it. It is even more painful to admit it. But truth is never pretty I guess.


I am back to my gym routine now. As a matter of fact, I have been pretty fucking dedicated. On Friday night, I was so tired from work that I had to pull over off the freeway to take a nap before I continued to drive. I was 2 miles away from my gym but I was too tired to even drive that little distance at that point. Despite this little unforeseen circumstance, I still managed to go to the gym and raped myself on the weights after I woke up 50 mins later in my car.

My trainer has been promoted to Tier3 now and his regular fee is 115 dollars/hour. My gym is 110 dollars/month. So if I train 2 times a week then that is gonna be almost 600/month on gym. I don't think I got that kinda money. Good news is that my trainer is also leaving the gym. I told him that I really like the client-trainer relationship and I am accustomed to his training routine, so how many more sessions I should order from him. He thought about it and told me to just get 12 sessions more. So 12 session receives 10% discount. I guess I can handle that. So hopefully he leaves the gym soon and I will cancel this god forsaken gym as well. Then I will just pay him about 60-70 for training each time and use the gym at work for 40/month. As we progress I will get less training as we go on. I don't know it sounds like a lot of money but I paid 1.8k for 4 months worth of training and it didn't feel such a financial hassle for me. So I guess I will continue that. I hope he won't jack up the price when he goes solo later and it'd nice if he can give me discount if I order 100 sessions at a time. lol... God I could buy a fucking BMW with that money. Talking about new cars, I am thinking about a BMW... I will see how my cash flow goes lol.

Yeah I am gonna go to bed now. It's late and I am doing summer alternative hours which means I will go early everyday and leave on my regular time so that I can have Friday half day off. Isn't that great! But too bad that this week is the last week of this program for the summer =/...

Anyways ciao~~