Thursday, September 21, 2006

Being gay and being a woman are the same since they both tend to disappear after 42?

I just read this quote online. Thinking about it more makes me a bit unease. This sounds kinda true. What if I don't find a partner or get married to a woman by then? Just imagine the life by then. People around you are all married with kids. What would I have? People say coming out helps a gay man. I don't find it true. I just came out to one of my good friend. She is very accepting and we talked about it for a long time on the beach of Santa Monica. There were tears and hugs. I was relieved. But at the same time, I felt that nothing really changed. Coming out to friends and family won't do much imo. I can't come out to my family but that doesn't matter much in my case. I never thought I would tell them anyway. But what if I come out to all my friends? would that suddenly be all ok? I don't think so. What makes a real difference in my life is how I feel about being gay and if I truly become true to myself, then I won't care about how other people think about me. If I dont live a gay life, it is never a true coming out for me. Coming out to friends is not coming out.

It's so late and I am tired. Tired of work, being gay, and I am afraid of disappearing from the world. I think the saddest thing can happen to one is to feel unwanted by Justin Timberlake's CD sounds so sad. Too many songs that are a bit too blue. bah I am ranting again.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I am waiting for the email from the guy that I am trying to hook up. We exchanged pictures and first he said I had hot body, and today I sent more pics he hasn't replied, I guess my face is not hot enough for him then. I am so sad now....This is so pathetic.... I guess this is what it does to people when they don't have sex for a long long time. I sometimes think that I spend way too much time having parties and hanging out with friends. I should have tried to hook up more. Sigh living in the closet will limit my social life and sex life. When can I find the BALANCE?? story of my life....

Monday, September 04, 2006

24th Day

He is such a hottie; looks so dreamy all the time. But aside from being dreamy and sweet, Scott is a very good actor. My first impression of him is still from the teen drama Felicity. He mastered dreaminess in that film. I actually kinda followed it for a season.

Anyway, today I watched this independent film "The 24th Day" by Tony Piccirillo. The film digs into the AIDS epidemic on a personal scale. By introducing the unsettling encounter of Dan (James Marsden) and Tom (Scott Speedman), the film gradually unfolds Tom's devasted life affected by AIDS. The whole story revealed itself piece by piece as Dan and Tom's conversation went on in Tom's home. There were also flashbacks that filled in the blanks and gradually explained what happened prior to their encounter. Dan was a good looking guy who slept around quite frequently, whereas Tom was a troubled closet married gay man who had an one night stand five years before they met again. Tom just found out that he and his wife were infected by AIDS and it was his wife who tested first because of swallon glands. She was completely devasted and had a fatal car accident subsequent to her diagnosis. Tom came from a very small town and had constrained lifestyle when he was growing up. His marriage and his career were genuine but at the same time they were also forced to him in a way. His homosexuality was suppressed. When his wife was killed in the accident, he felt completely responsible for the whole situation, so he followed Dan for couple days and eventually met him in a bar and took Dan back to his home. Dan of course was pretty quite on the business and using his charms to get into his pants. Dan appeared to be confident and very sure of himself. But Tom on the other hand, kept asking him about truth and his past. Dan's answer to that was always a sure respond. For example, when Tom asked him if he was safe, he always said " safe, very safe." The same applied to all other questions such as how many guys he had been with and whether or not he had AIDS. Dan was playing along in the beginning and didn't become aware of the situation till he realized that Tom has locked the door. After a bit of struggle, Tom tied Dan up on his chair and started a two day ordeal. Tom thought that Dan needed to pay for what he had done to him and his life, so he took a blood sample from Dan and sent it to a lab. Tom promised Dan freedom if the test is negative, however, if it came out positive, Tom then would "slit his throat". The story then unfolds as they engaged in conversations.

The film really focused on character development and each piece of infomation served that sole purpose. There was no wasteful moments thoroughout the film, and character's emotional development was natural and the acting made them seem very realistic. For example, Dan had never given up on escapes and Tom's reaction to that, though essentially the same, were different. In the beginning Tom was enraged for the fact that Dan felt nothing to other people, and continued to sleep around without protection because for Dan, it was other people's choice. But when things settled down, Tom felt miserable, sad and lonely. Most of all though, Tom felt guity. The tremendous guilty that he knew he couldn't enforce it on anyone else drove him crazy. the emotional struggle and devastation of killing his own wife were well portrayed. At one point, he got very drunk and became so emotional that he started crying on Dan's shoulder. at the same time, as Dan tried to comfort Tom, he still tried to steal the keys that laid on the table.

At the end, there is a bit twist to it that made the film beleiveable. It showed a lot of compassion and sarrow in the whole situation and made me think just how many more of Dan and Tom out there.

It is a very good film, but it is not listed in Sccott's official filmbiography. I guess it is b ecause of its subject matter. Although today's world is filled with homos, the world still is not embracing them as a human condition. the irony.

The aging effect

I already expected it, but I never thought that it would have been like this. I still remember when I just started at USC, I was pretty desperate to fit in. I didn't live at school, though school's dorm condition wasn't necessarily the best out there, I still wished that I could have lived at school. So I decided to try out a fraternity. First night, I got extremely drunk, and puked all over in my car, and then I proceeded to puke 7 more hours. My mouth was leaking blood toward early morning. That didn't stop me, The frat looked good. It wasn't a big one but enough for my taste and the pledge class wasn't too small either. So I continued to get drunk every night. I didn't really enjoy it though. I really didn't know what I was doing, I just thought that if I kept hanging in there, I would be part of something. But then the pledge class got small for people started to drop out thoroughout the semester. Eventually, I dropped out too. It was a bit devastating for me. After all that, I still didn't become a part of something that has a sense of heritage to it (other than the school itself of course). It's been a long time since I dropped out then, but the memory of people puking everywhere was pretty vivid.

On Friday, my friend Hester and I were doing party hopping. The plan sounded fantastic. We were going to stop by at Sunset in Hollywood for a house party. This guy named Peter, an Irish actor student met us at a club called The Day After. I really didn't remember how he looked like anymore but apparently he liked Hester very much and they had a friendship/pending relationship kinda thing going on lately. All his friends were actor students. When we got there, the party didn't really start because their landlord told them if they party that night, he would call the police. So we just sat there and chatted. One side note, I have to mention that there was this one very cute and easy going guy named Joey. His bicepts were so hot and his composure was just very down to earth. He got some black hair under his armpit. I thought that was very macho and hot lol... I liked that guy. So I was talking to him most of the time. Of course he was totally straight and his girlfriend was his roomate. Anyway, music was playing but no dancing or whatever. We were chilling. I didn't think I could really call that a party per se, but then it felt like one. There was a keg, and other liquors were everywhere. People were definitely drinking and laughing. It was chill.

After that we headed to a frat party around USC. The promoter was the frat's event organizer and he had a class with Hester and just wanted to date her desperately. But Hester had no feeling for him, so another just friend kinda thing going on. It was a decent size party, Probably 150~200 people were present and dancing and drinking. Four years ago, I would have felt a bit uneasy. Actually I still did, but it was different. The similarity was that I didn't feel fit. Four years ago, it might be the urge to impress people in the frat or drink or chasing tails what not that made me feel a bit annoyed. But today, I just suddenly felt that they were so god damn young, too young actually. I saw this one freshmen mentally passed out long ago, but was holding on the arm of a dirty old sofa that was put outdoors next to a tree. The acid and achohol came like streams out of his mouth. "It wouldn't even be good for the plants" I thought. He looked so wasted. I have seen plenty drunk people, but "wasted" was the most appropriate on this guy. Because we were a bit more "special", we went upstairs of a house, and it was suddenly all quiet and clean. The promoter, named Kevin opened a bottle of martini and started to mix drinks. There was also a huge bowl of jello. It felt so funny somehow. I felt like I was 19 again. It was also sad, because I wished it were true. But I am 23 and there, that was just kinda weird. Hester didn't like this kind of crowd either. We are older now, and we do like to go to a bit more mature environment in whcih we can dance but not that many drunks around.

This whole experience is a bit unsettling to me. The first party feels alright, and the second is alright too. But I know for a fact that my style is moving toward the first one. Of course there is nothing wrong with that, but then I still feel very depressed at the fact that I am becoming old at such a fast pace. Two years ago, I would still loved this party for what it could offer, but now I just feel it is a bit too much unnecessary excess of everything to have "fun". I really want to stay young, and the difference between me and a 19 year old, not just the obvious appearance differences, but also the mentality differences are very evident and they are the last things that I want on me. Oh well, at least I am still an intern and have 1 more semester to go... So that still makes young right? haha