Yeap this week has been pretty chill. No interviews whatsoever and as I mentioned before, only theme parks and beaches parts of my duty. I was like on the mission mode to relax and have fun. My extreme laziness, irregular sleeping hours, and bad diet were pretty addictive. hehe. human nature to be lazy eh?
My cousin's family is leaving on the 1st. I am kinda sad about it. I like her family. Her husband used to work in the same company as my mom did so I got to know them both when I was fairly young. My nephew is pretty cute. Loud, stupid, annoying at times but overall a very bright young guy. I hope they would decide to stay in America after their trip back to China. But there is a good chance that they won't since according to my cousin, her mother-in-law is very unreasonable and bossy and she wants her grandson back in China to be with her. Beh... crazy old lady.
Anyways, due to this uncertainty, I tried my best to hang out with them as much as I can. My friend just came back from Hong Kong and she really wanted to go clubbing or something. Well her words are "hang out" but she loves clubbing style nightlife, so I am sure it will be something along that line if we do hang out. But since I am really devoted to my family right now I didn't even call her back. She is leaving this friday too! I feel kinda bad. But oh well we will definitely go out at least once. Same to another friend of mine who just got back to the U.S. from a trip too. But I guess sometimes family comes first!
I dont know, lately I really do feel like going out again. I have been disconnected since I came back. First job hunting, then my family's visit. I kinda want to hit the nightlife scene again. But this time I am really not that interested in the straight clubs anymore. Hopefully, my job hunting, and social life can get back in order fast. After my cousin's family leaves, I would probably feel kinda empty for a bit. I mean all of sudden there are three less people living in your house and one of them is a loud 8 year old, it is kinda hard to adjust back in a way haha.
Oh by the way, despite the fact that I really do not like Harry Potter, I saw it today. OF course taking my little nephew. Our original plan was to see The Simpsons. But the line, I mean the line for people who already have tickets, are enormous. It went around the block! So we switched to Harry Potter. Since my nephew can only speak French fluently I am afraid that he didn't quite get the movie. It is ok though, I think for him, the best part of a movie is the popcorn. He has a keen interest in popcorns. His apetite for popcorn is also unbelievable. I am sure he will eat that shit till he pukes. I mean he already did that to Mc Donald -_-... Back to the movie, I guess I can see why the fans would love the movie. However, for a person who never read a single Harry Potter book, I just think it is whatever. It is not bad but it is not something that is absolutely memorable. Almost like a Pirates 3, but less expensive to make, and less sexual elements.
Anyways, I guess this is a post dedicated to my family haha. We will see what happens next week. Sigh... they are leaving!!!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Yeap this week has been pretty chill. No interviews whatsoever and as I mentioned before, only theme parks and beaches parts of my duty. I was like on the mission mode to relax and have fun. My extreme laziness, irregular sleeping hours, and bad diet were pretty addictive. hehe. human nature to be lazy eh?
Friday, July 27, 2007
I have been busy with my cousin's family lately. They are leaving on the 1st so I am trying to spend as much time as I can with them while they are here. I would like to write more but things just kinda happen fast and once I look back 3-4 days at a time, it is hard to capture the magic again.
Anyways, we basically hit the theme park circle hard lately. Went to Disneyland, Disney California Adventure, Universal Studio, and we are planning on Six Flag Magic Mountain next week. In addition, we spent a day at the beach, and are planning for 1 more beach day tomorrow afternoon. It should be fun.
I have talked to two other companies so far. They are both fortune 500 companies. One of them is top 100 and the other one is top 40. Other than these two companies I haven't looked at job postings at all. I am taking it easy and just want to relax a little bit. What is destined to be mine would come eventually. I should get answers back latest next week. One of them would most likely reply me by tomorrow and the other one would probably take longer. Oh well no matter how it turns out I just can't stress over the possibilities right now.
I took my nephew to the movies today and we saw Ratatouille. It is such an amazing film. I really loved it. It was unexpectedly moving and full of heart. Even though it is a cartoon and one of the main character is a rat, also on that note, there are plenty rats in the movie, the entire story just feels so human to me. It is much better than a lot of movies done by real people. I don't know I guess there is really a thing or two that people should consider more when they make movies nowadays. I mean it is a motion picture that should tell a story. What the hell has happened to the story part in the movies nowadays?
I talked to my best friend a week ago. She told me something that bothered me again. I wrote a while back about an old friend of mine, the brother of my best friend, who turned out to be a bit hostile toward me at the end of our friendship. Overall, I just really thought it was a classic story of how good friends drift apart. I guess I was so wrong. Even till today, he is still talking shit about me behind my back. His everlasting bitterness can't seem to find a god damn closure on its own. I thought for once that as he ages, his icy cold attitude would thaw a bit not just for me but just in general. But oh no. He's been trashing about my recruiting, my academic endeavor and my school (how dare he, considering it was "his" dream school till he got rejected and I got in?). I told my friend that I was gonna have a talk with him. You know like a man to another man. IF you want to say something, say it in my face or we can take it outside and duel it out. We do it and get done with it. I want it to end FOREVER. I don't want to think about what he is going to say behind my back every time I visit my friend at his place. My friend told me to not to be too gay about it. I was like HOW THE FUCK IS THIS TOO GAY. Then she said ok it is not gay but it is stupid because apparently her brother is mentally and emotionally disabled and she really wishes for no hassles from him either. So whatever, I agreed not to bring it up in front of him. But still, what kind of cowardly behavior is this. I am kinda pissed.
In addition, as immature as it sounds. Once he trash talked about my school and my recruiting, I have never been even more eager to get in one of the two companies that I mentioned above because he also works there now! He totally thinks that he got the best job ever and he is def the shit now. I mean seriously it is not a bad company but it ain't no Blackstone or Goldman Sach. Get a fucking grip. jeebus. But I want to work there is because this department is exceptionally special since it directly reports to the board executive and manages the overall capital risk for the entire corporation. So now not only the title beats his but the pay might be competitive too. I don't know I haven't found out how much but I am kinda obsessed with it now. I have been researching about the salary. No productive results yet... God I Think this is totally unnecessary. god when can I totally grow the fuck up.
On my final note, which is much more pleasant, USC has been voted as preseason #1 this year AGAIN, and arguably the best college football team in our history. Eat that GATORS!!! AND LONGHORNS. mu hahahahaha.
for more info, please go here
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
It is 1:00pm already and I just woke up.
I took my cousin's family to Disneyland on Thursday. It was a lot of fun to say the least. We left our home at 11 and arrived Disneyland just a bit before 12. The traffic wasn't too horrible which was good. Once we got to the park we decided to buy a two day pass so that we can enjoy one park at a time. Of course the first day was for the main theme park. My nephew was hyper the whole trip. I really wonder how an eight year old gets so much energy. He didn't only walk with us, take ride, and wait in line but also jumped up and down every other step. I swear to god kids need to be studied.
Anyways, long story short, we did all the major rides in the main park except for the new Finding Nemo Submarine. The line was about 1 hour and 30 mins and there was no fast pass. The line remained that long till 11:00pm. So yeah, it was amazing how people were so determined to see that ride.
This wasn't my first time to Disneyland anymore but it was my first time watching firework and fantastimic show. It was really amazing. Even at age of 23, I still really appreciated their imagination, creativity, and the tremendous effort that has been exerted in the show.
We left the park around 12:00am when the park closed and I haven't felt that tired for a long time. Too bad that I had to wake up around 8 the second morning to do an interview. So yeah, the exhaustion from Thursday wasn't bad at all since it was so much fun but Friday was just a drag. Now that I can say I am finally recovered a bit.
Probably gonna hit up gym later and eat, damn it, I am so hungry.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Well I try to. I am gonna refrain myself from constantly talking about stupid shit like recruiting because enough is enough. I mean this blog is for ranting but ranting the same shit would be really boring. So until I get a great job I am just not gonna talk about it anymore.
I was talking to MSTP Bound today and I felt bad afterward because I basically made him my temporary emotional trash can and dumped my recruiting mishaps all over him over the phone. Great that he redirected the subject to traveling and my mind actually wandered off to the heavenly places that are deep in the high mountain ranges in China. Anyways, he was a good sport and pretty much said whatever that he could to make me feel better. It is relaxing to sometimes imagine yourself elsewhere or talk to someone so that at least your mind would be off the stressful things. I talked to several other people later on aim. I guess my bad mood reflected quite well. Wasn't chatty at all. But I was just not in the mood to talk.
So after stressing over it for a long time, I felt stupid. I really did whatever I could so it is time for me to move on. I think it should be the same to everything that I do, not just my recruiting. In many cases, 100% effort is really the best one can do. I have to let go sometimes so that my fate can take care of itself. The extra attention that I gave to this stupid subject was all futile. It didn't do anything except making myself even more stressed. So I am gonna take some deep breath now and just relax. Keep looking for jobs and I am sure I can find a decent one. Also, I need to let go of my ego. I have just realized that my biggest obstacle in my recruiting process is my own ego since it is my ego that fueled my ambition to aim for the impossible positions. Thus, by comparison I am never satisfied with all my current positions. I guess there is a lot of lessons embedded in this experience.
Tomorrow I am going to take my nephew, this 8 year old monster to Disneyland. I guess I need it too. But we are only going to the Disneyland Park not California Adventure, so I won't be taking my favorite ride -- Tower of Terror =/.
Have a good night boys.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
God. The first phone interview went alright. 50 mins on the phone, I thought I almost lost it. There were couple mistakes like how I got their revenue wrong and etc. But there were also highlights. The interviewer actually stopped in the middle and made a special long remark on how good I answered one of her questions. She said my response was one of the only few excellent ones. So I guess that is a big plus.
However, right after I hang up with her and being happy and all. I got another call from a company that specializes in private equity mergers and acquisition which is something I really want to do. The guy really caught me off guard and asked me if I can do a phone interview. I said yes. His first question was "how much do you know about our company". I actually don't even remember which company it was. I only vaguly remembered that I did apply something like that. I panicked. My IE wasn't up and I couldn't leave him hanging there and I DEFINITE CANNOT make things up. So I had to just say the truth. I said that due to my recruiting schedules that I haven't done much research on the company and I apologize for it. AWKWARD. DISASTROUS.
Despite the fact that this one might be the one that I like the most, I don't count on it even a bit anymore. Even though I answered the rest very smoothly, he didn't sound as interested. He said he would forward the responses to the senior recruiter who will then make a decision whether or not to bring me in. That is wonderful. He probably put a gigantic "IDIOT" on the page. Sigh... stupid me. This is a major blow....
Anyways, I am heading off now. god fucking damn this shit...
Well I did two today. All I can say is that what a big contrast.
The first one was in the morning at 10:00am. I was LATE. I thought I was gonna die. I mean who goes to an interview late? The stupid 710 where it intersects 10 west bound had an accident which was so severe that the entire entrance was blocked by police. So can you even imagine how bad the 10 would be? Yeah, it was I-stuck-in-2-miles-distance-for-35-mins bad. Gross... it was absolutely repulsive. So I immediately called in and told the manager that I would be late due to the unforeseen traffic accident. He was very understanding and told me not to worry a bit. So I was 30 mins late. HAHA. I thought I was screwed.
Then at their little waiting area, there were bunch metal puzzle sets. I played them at my uncle's house when I was traveling in China. They were a set of two pieces metal that were intertwined. You can't just force them apart. However, if you find the right angle you can easily separate them. Very smart design! So I saw these puzzles again and I started playing with them. That was exactly when the manager came out said "Nice to meet you this is Charly". "I AM A RETARD" yes that was the message that ran through my head. WHO THE FUCK PLAYS METAL PUZZLES AT AN INTERVIEW... Great start...dear god just shoot me.
Got into his office. Start chatting. We actually chatted about 10 mins before he even said anything regarding the interview. I guess that was likely to be good. Since he was the one doing the most talking and my short comments usually propelled him to talk even more. It turned out that he used to work for KPMG one of biggest four accounting firms in the world. He came from NY and adjusted to LA just fine. We talked briefly about friends family, night life, commute, and life decisions. The conversation went smooth and remained interesting. Toward the end of this interesting introduction, I paused deliberately and he directed the subject to professional matter right away. Interview was smooth as well but toward the end I wasn't sure if he got the right message. What I was trying to say was that I have a very realistic expectation from small firms like theirs and I am willing to develop and learn skills here for long term plans. But what he got from me seemed to be I might move on if there is a better and bigger thing comes along. He said that he would not only understand but also encourage since that would be exactly the same choice he would make in that situation. Sigh I hope my explanation later really explained what I was trying to say.
The conversation lasted about 30 mins then I moved on to talk to the partner of the firm. The first thing he said "oh USC, I like that". Well I knew he would because from doing my homework I knew he was a fellow Trojan who won 3 NCAA swimming championships back in his days. He has a pair of deep, piercing, aqua blue eyes that seemed to constantly remind others of his glory days. They were so HAWT. I couldn't stop staring at those blue eyes. Well I guess at least I made fantastic eye contacts right? Conversation with him was smooth as well and every time I asked a question he would give comments like "that is a great question", "fantastic question", "I am glad that you asked." I guess it went good. BUT there were plenty mistakes were made. The aforementioned puzzle instance, the 30 mins tardy and I assume the second partner who has the same last name to be his sister and apparently she was his wife. STUPID....
So I talked to this hot boss for like another 45 mins and the interview was over. I really liked the company. The office wasn't big but it was new and well lit. You could see the nice and relaxing views of Santa Monica. The beach isn't too far, perfect for me to pick up surfing. I would get a teacher and all that stuff. Plus the manager is hot the boss is hot and the people who worked there sounded very young. I was intrigued. This was my first interview that sparked an interest for me. Now I really really really hope they can give me some good news next week. Fingers crossed.
Then I came home, got an invitation to a phone interview with a Hedge Fund company for an intern position. This is absolutely exciting as well. But instead of inviting me to a first around, they wanted to phone interview me so that means they probably just want to see if I am a clown or not before spending actual time with me. Sigh.
Well in the afternoon, I had another interview. I wont go into details of it. But in sum, it was horrendous and I don't want to work for them at all. I don't mean the company is crap; they probably make a lot of money. But the overall is just not my scene.
On a brighter note, I actually fulfilled my workout plan that I posted on Jay's Gym Tracker Calender. I gained 4 lbs. Yes absolutely devastating. Also, I couldn't lift or run as much. Plus there were another USC dude at the gym who had a such amazing body that everytime I looked I felt the urge to give him some oral relaxation. I am sure he noticed me staring VERY frequently. He didn't seem to mind or just ignored this homo. Whatever, good eye candy.
Anyways. I have been blahing about my interview for quite a while now. But what can I do, this is my life as I know for this moment. Freaking life. man...
Monday, July 09, 2007
Yeap this is gonna be very random.
I took my cousin's family to see the Transformers. The kid wanted to see it so bad that I really felt bad seeing it before he did. However, to contrary to my expectation, which was to find the movie dull the second round, it was still wildly entertaining. The second time was actually more charming. Maybe the jokes didn't work for me anymore, but the action sequences were much more impressive for me. When the first time I saw this movie, I was just so awestruck by all the unbelievably realistic CGIs and I couldn't really watch everything with my full attention. My mind was racing through all the sounds, visual impacts, and the excitement that was summoned up by the big screen. But this time I could absorb more details and really appreciate how realistic all the robots looked. It was truly astonishing and I think everyone should do themselves a favor and watch this movie.
An old friend of mine called me a couple times. He is a really cool guy and I have known him for quite a few years now. I want to come out to him and hopefully still hang out with him. He'd be the first guy friend that I come out to. Except for Kevin who was my high school friend and happened to find out that I was gay by accident. But he has been very cool with it, so no biggy and it was a long time ago so that I really didn't feel like I came whatsoever. But this time, this friend would be different. He is someone that I met through socializing in a campus where people just come and go for classes only. Besides, he is very macho, an Armenian who thinks male homos are sick (thinks girl homos are ok, okie... wtf). Anyway, it'd be interesting. I guess I haven't come out to him is that it's always harder to come out to dudes in your life. Even though I have known him for a long time we couldn't hang out a lot due to school and work. So even it doesn't work out if I come out to him now, it'd be a loss but not a huge one and I shall recover fairly fast.
I added a Google Calender button on my Current Obsession box. It is a workout calender initiated by Jay from Jay + Gay = Me. I already wrote my first work out session since my arrival in LA on the calender. I really hope that I have enough will power to fulfill this engagement.
Shout out to my blogger friends who are fucking far away lol~~~. MSTP, Jay, Justin, I have started to talk to these people for quite a lot recently and I have to say that I really enjoy the conversation. The late night chat while MSTP was high on jet lag was pretty fun. hehe. I have been in my lazy mode lately, so basically I catch these guys all the time. I think I definitely should go out more since the weather outside in LA is just so gorgeous. Also, shoutout to J.R, my first LA blogger chatties who still writes! It is always fun to talk to ya and I hope we can finally one day meet under the wing of a gay god. yes. it shall happen lol~~~~ I really wished that all y'all are in LA so we can party party party. Maybe play Wii drinking game that should be fun lol... Anyways, there is a new blog that I just come across through J.R.'s place, it is called Midwest Ben, only three posts so far and he seems cool and is so fucking young. God why everyone is younger than me now. This must be a bad dream =/. So yeah check it out and I hope he can continue so that his blog can be my actual read! On another note, I really don't think the dude from Training Wheel is ever gonna come back but we shall see.
I just made a list of interviewed companies. It looks quite professional. It is funny that once you put random things in Excel, everything looks very organized and doesn't seem to be even a bit overwhelming anymore. lol... So after I finished with the file, I realized that I am only interviewing with FOUR candidates atm. I know, it's been only a week since I came back and I think it shouldn't be so bad. But I still feel like four isn't a lot at all. The insecurity still exists. Also, I have only talked to two companies so far and only received one second round invitation, the rest of this list is still unknown to me. I can't count my future on something that is still a big question mark! What if all the question marks turn out to be a big red NO, then I am literally fucked. See, I want to get more interviews but there are only so many posted on Monstertrak and through our school network. Maybe I should network more again. But then it is kinda hard because a couple of my friends are in N.Y. now for their trainings and I don't feel like talking to new friends who I just got to know them last semester. I don't know, it seems to be so materialistic that after disappearing for a month and now my first phone call is about jobs. Anyways, I have two interviews tomorrow, one at 10:00am and one at 4:00pm. Beh... I actually have to wake up early tomorrow for the first time that I have come back. Booo...
I really want to smoke more hookah. I know it is as bad as cigs but at least I don't blow that shit everyday. I need a hookah buddy. Anyone know someone who likes hookah and lives in LA? lol.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
Well, it is more like looking for work.
Yes I have been busy with this thing called recruiting. So far so good. I applied about 10 positions ranging from hedge fund interns to tax consultant to business development to financial analyst etc etc etc. It is quite a broad range of stuff and I have received 4 interview invitations so far.
I've completed two interviews at this moment and this morning already received a second round interview invitation for my first position. But these jobs aren't what I really want. What I really want is the positions I just applied today which were the aforementioned hedge fund internship. Even though the pay sucks, the opportunity is golden. It is a key to a different world and for me, at least it is a different aspect of the business that I have never actually touched. It'd be really awesome if I can get a position like that! As for now I am not in a hurry to make rat race money, let's say 45k a year. I am however actively looking out for different opportunities that have the potential to give me a dream life that I want. I don't have to billions rich but money can buy a hella good life in America or anywhere in the world for that matter.
Of course, true happiness doesn't come from money and a believer of that fact. But what I want to say is that money doesn't hurt and with money an individual has an extremely liquid resources to do other things such as helping people. Yes I know someone is probably throwing up by now. But as shocking as it sounds, I am all for wealth reallocation of course according to my WILL. I don't mind donating to USC AT ALL. The more the better because I am a Trojan. Also because imho, donating money to a good academia is the best way you can spend your money since the impact is long lasting and very profound. In a sense, it is a true hedge for the future. I love the idea and I don't mind giving away my money for it. I just have to get the fucking money first LOL~~~~~
See ain't I just great? Before I even landed a position, I am already thinking about donating big money to academies lol... Sigh... always an idealist.
I hope I can get more job interviews in the up coming weeks and most importantly find a place where I really want to be and learn something that is actually useful. Also I don't mind more emails from manhunt.net too lol~~~~ God I Want to HOLD SOMEONE.... Any cute guys there would hold me too ? :p....~~~
P.S. This post is written as a normal update of my life but also as a better response to my blogger friends who have asked me about my career progress. Thank you very much for your attention, it is a really nice gesture and I really appreciate it. Shout out to Justin, Jay, and Amit. Wish me luck, I hope I can get my first million soooon. YES KEEP DREAMING mu hahahaha
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
My cousin's family has finally arrived. It is a family of three, 38 yr dad, 34 yr mother and 8 yr old son. Before their arrival, I have worried about the son. I mean 8 yr dad that is very scary. They could be little creatures from hell. Indestructible and no logic on earth can work on them. This reminded me of another cousin's baby who arrived this world about 2 weeks ago. What an ugly thing. That little bastard has a perma frown and usually stares at me with two eyes that are full of annoyance. He probably thought my face was too big or something. Oh yeah, he cries every 10 mins. So yeah... 8 year old boy could be that creature only that he will be much faster, stronger, and destructive.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Call me a cynic, a bastard, or normal, opportunistic, I don't care. But I think people may actually see different things in this touching clip.
For me, it is touching and has received much care and attention from the editors is because supposedly he is a person who is a bit of deformed, looking kinda retarded, having a not so glamorous life and yet can sing kinda well. "Gasp" yeah, how shitty do I sound, how LA am I? But really isn't this why the video got so much editing? I mean if you look at American Idol, the Monkey boy only got a mocking monkey comment that was it. Not much editing. Things that are valuable will sell for good ratings and this is an classic Hunch Back of the Notre Dame story for pop TV.
It is beautiful, it is tragic, and it is good TV. If it were Jason Lewis who sang like that, Simon would probably have just said pretty good and move on. The whole story telling, the stereo button starting, and the audiences' detailed expression capturing, all seem to be just too much for what it is. The only reason it is gaining so much attention from the editors and the audiences for is because this is an actual tragedy. It makes us emotional. We wonder how wonderful it COULD have been if he were good looking, how much better his life would have become, and at the same time it makes us feel good too. We invoke our own sympathy that has been deeply buried by our fast paced life style and progressive selfishness. We can only feel humanity while we watch something tragic happens despite how we mocked or ignore the issue. Quick example, Princess Diana or 9/11. We are happy that we still have a heart; we aren't as barbaric as we suspected to be. At the peak of this glorious moment of self righteousness, we also feel the beauty of this happy moment, this double sugar coated pill can't be any better.
I am genuinely happy for this man, for his voice and his exposure. Yet I feel bad because the money that the producer, editors, and directors are making off his personal tragedy is so little compared to the loss of integrity. In another word, he's been sold cheap in a freak show by some cold hearted bastards and the audience bought it. And GUESS WHAT, this is probably the best he can ever get professionally speaking.
The reason that I am ranting about this now at this god forsaken hour is because I just read this post at Nothing Golden Stays. JR's friend said that JR is not emotional. But I think it might be because that he tends to let logic go first and leave emotions a step behind so that he actually sees what is behind this?
The first time I have seen this video I truly felt like crying too. But today when I watched it again totally out of randomness, I suddenly found it so repugnant since my logic was alert and my emotion has been already paralyzed by all the expected twists and turns in the video.
I wonder what other people see in this video? Just a good singing? or a guy who has a boring job, tough life is singing great? or like what I see, a socially handicapped person has been used like a fish lure?
Now, I wonder what other people have seen in this video.
I present Jason Lewis
Monday, July 02, 2007
It certainly does! At least for one party!! As sad as it sounds it is so true. True, cold, and cruel, just like death itself. But at least it is certain, it brings closure.
I just read this post by Urban Insanity. The post can be found here. It was just a normal another grandma dead story for a reader. Yes it may sound a bit insensitive. But for reals, if it weren't related to you in some way, it is just stories when you read. I am sure it is gut wrenching, heart breaking for Urban. Well that is how it started. Then it resonated me when he said about how he is his grandma's golden boy, how his grandma asks him who he is dating how he is doing and how he can never really answer those questions.
That really hit me. That is exactly what happened on my trip back to my hometown. I am the Chinese only child in the family. That literally means I am the family extension in this world. I BEAR the responsibility to shag a impregnate a girl so that my family name will carry on. Other than that everyone just assumed I am straight. My grandma is half paralyzed from stroke so she couldn't speak, but I am certain that she wants to ask. Three aunts of mine, other close and distant family members, my mom's friends, and strangers all have asked me, "dating yet? what kind of girl, ready to get married." JUST WTF. All I could do is smile like a retard.
My grandma, though her love to her family wasn't communicated to her kids as well as Urban's grandma, the sincerity was real. She would never understand the whole gay thing and how bad she wanted to be a great grandmother. Yet I find myself completely speechless and cowardly when it comes to my sexually. I want my true self to be with my family like how it is supposed to be. I really can't. Same to my parents. I thought possible solutions for our situation. One is to live a double life: married with gays, suck cocks on the sides. That is just fucked up and it would ruin so many people's lives once exposed. Two is to live a gay life and lie to my parents, which would be painful and it would definitely disappoint my parents but at least I am not causing as much damage. Three is to come clean which doesn't seem to be possible. The best solution seems to be the second one but the closure would only come when one of us is dead, either my family or me. It is so horribly sad and yet it seems to be so logical.
Urban found closure eventually when he thinks that his grandma is knowing and at peace. However, that is because he finally decided to move on and to find his own peace. What if the sense of responsibility is so strong that I can't move on. Then I would feel like I betrayed my grandma EVEN in her death. Now she is dead AND furious about my situation. What would i do then? I won't be able to talk to a dead person and the sense of guilt would be much more enduring...
I am not sure death would bring me closure but it seems to be the only solution. Don't worry I am about to kill myself or my family for that matter. I am just saying this as a matter of fact.
This totally blows.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
I seriously wasn't into it before just because everyone else seems to be crazy about it. But now it is out and after watching some Ads and video clips of how iphone works, I have to say that I am very intrigue. god damn those apple product makers. But 500 dollars hmmm where can I cough that much money up? Maybe I should follow the fine steps of some other fellow bloggers, sell my underwear and semen online. Oh sell a kidney. Yes, I got two you know... gah...
On a more serious note, I got an interview on July 3rd. It is a job that I need but don't really want. It pays ok but a bit underwhelming to my standard. We will see what happens.
Last night I went to a see a friend of mine and I told her that I was gay. She was shocked but totally supportive. I actually feel good that my friends, are all very supportive and mature. I mean you would think that in 2007 the "coming out" process should have already been eliminated but oh no, people like to hate each other based on simple and stupid reasons. W/E!!
A shout out to SSR, hope it is not as painful now and you get well fast!
Another shout out for Jay, thanks for all the help!! Really appreciate it.
Also, just quickly mention some of the blog site discoveries. Thanks for Justin, I now read Nothing Golden Stays, you can find it in my blogroll. I feel that his blog is so representative of how people are when they are in the closet for a long time and finally feel this ain't right no more. As I said in my first post, blogging is a great to just rant and vent till you have enough real courage to rant and vent to your own friends. Nice write, cool attitude, I like it a lot.
Also, I linked Urban Insanity. I have read that blog once before, liked it, but didn't link it. Then I couldn't find it anymore. Now that I come across it again, I have to say I still like it very much! The guy is a macho lawyer and from that tiny pix he posted I feel that he looks pretty hot too haha. Most intriguing part of his blog is how he writes his encounters like a documentary in which events are recorded by a timeline and he comes back to update the same post when there is some development. The writing flows very well and it is a good read that is hard to stop. I just wish that he would write more. He updates very slowly.
Man I am such a little kid haha. But this site is pretty tight. It has bunch 15-25 mins long clips showing for free and I think they are pretty good. Yeah I know xtube etc has free stuff already but there are also shit loads of trash on those sites too. Unlike those, this site's clips are professionally done. Anyways, enjoy!!