Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Life goes on and on

Somtimes it feels so passive. I can't define what "it" is. It is not just life per se, it is everything around me. Life is a bit overgeneralizing. Life isn't passive, but pieces can be extremely passive at times. That is how I felt lately. Emotionally laziness probably.

I attended the Urap thing on Monday again, and there was an energetic lesbian student lectured feminism. For a bit I really felt it, the culture revolution and blah blha blha. Ok, it is something important, but I was really tired and at that time I really just didn't give a crap. I didn't care if feminism traps both male and females. It was just so technical philosophically that I really felt that my brain wasn't up for the challenge to actively digest the information and produce useful thoughts.

I have been watching the show Queer as Folks. The title is rather interesting. The original meaning of the phrase "queer as folks" indicates that there is nothing more strange than people, our folks. In this case, it is very appropriate for both its idea and content. The show is pretty addictive. I have to admire the producers. The show is obviously not high budget, at least at season one, and actors are pretty appropriately casted. I especially like the main character Mickey, he is so cute and kind and his smile is something I can look at forever. Interesting enough that at least half of the actors are straight. You would image after all that constant buttnaked running around and on screen making out would at least make them wonder. But I guess if you are straight you are straight! Yes, watching TV makes me feel passive the most among all things. I just sit there and watch the story unfold. I have different emtions throughout each episode but toward the end all I feel is that I am addicted to the show. I think the result is pretty passive too.

My friend Hester's bday is coming up this Saturday and I am calling her friends to have a surprise dinner set up. In this process I suddenly realized that I don't have a very close guy friend from USC whom I feel comfortable enough to invite. I mean they wouldn't know her or know her that well at all. It'd be kinda weird asking people who I want to hang out with to this dinner party. Some of my older buddies are either not in LA or not in USC and people who are in USC are kinda like clubbing buddies, party attendees, and aim chatwhores. This is when I wish I could be people like JP Mac from Overnight in NY. I still have no idea how it feels to have a brother or brother figure in my life feels. Then I was thinking, am I bound to have lots gay guy friends in the future? What it takes to have a straight guy friend? My other straight guy friends are well straight and when we were hanging out it was when I was still in the closet. I remembered we would go snowboard, go to the beach, and talk about chicks etc. Now that everyone is so busy what does it take? Do I have to be passionate about sports in order to start up a conversation? I mean I can talk about chicks but that is really not something I am too interested in. I was reading Detail magazine today and in one of the articles it talks about how guys talk to each other about fertility. I used to think subject like that is pretty gay. I am just kinda confused. When I am really confused I tend to do nothing and think about nothing. Pretty passive again...

Next week is spring break and Hester proposed going to Hawaii. I wanted to go but then decided not to because it is gonna cost me a lot of money. But then at school when u hear everytone is going the South Beach, Cancun, Bahamus, etc, I feel like a loser not going anywhere. SO!! I guess will have to go afterall! But then I haven't work out the details yet. Hester said she would look up the prices so now I am just too lazy to look it up. This thing also bothers me back to the point I made in the previous paragraph. I have never gone on a long road trip with just bunch of guys. The last trip was with bunch Dinsey college interns to Catalina Island. There were guys but none of them made me feel connected. Also, at the bon fire that night, they started to talk about politics which turned out to be kinda weird for that setting... But anyways, yeah, I am just like what the hell is going on. Little by little, before I know it I suddenly find myself having more female friends than male friends in my life. That feels so no not masculine and so GAY!! What is going on... I think I am probably socially challenged. lol.

I am kinda frustrated beh.... we will see how it goes. Maybe that Hawaii trip is exactly what I need...


Jules said...

Maybe you can catch a good seat sale on the ticket to Hawaii?

Hey! What's wrong with having girl friends, mister?! Hmmmmm?

It's easy to get all caught up in being emotionally drained. I know how "taxed" you were with tests and school lately. A break IS just what you need, I'd say! But... if you do go, make sure to find an Internet Cafe just once wile you're gone so you can keep the little people, like me, informed!! (HUG)

Hamilton said...

lol thanks for the comment Jules, you are funny

Silly Billy said...

Hamilton. It is all about the connections. I admit, it is not easy to have straight guy friends, but I do. You don't have to bond with a guy simply because you both like chicks. Or guys for that matter. Your true friends are ones that you connect with for various reasons and it should not matter if they are male or female.

You will have those male bonds, don't worry. It will come. But in the meantime, go to Hawaii and take lots of pics!!!!

Hamilton said...

Hey Billy,

It is kinda different. I have straight guy friends who do not know I am gay and being gay I somehow find it harder to bound with new guy friends. I don't know why. Maybe it is because I over-analyze what straight people are thinking so much that I stopped being myself or whatever. I don't know, whatever the reason is I just find it harder. There is nothing wrong to have female friends, but I always want a best buddy who is a guy. I used to have a couple best guy friends but over the course of college etc, friendship comes and go. I have known this guy for 8 years and his bitchy gf destroyed everything. Now he hates me for no particular reason. Maybe because I abondoned him after a long time without seeing him. Whatever... making friends as a young kid was much easier and you know their intention was pure too.