Death brings closure?

It certainly does! At least for one party!! As sad as it sounds it is so true. True, cold, and cruel, just like death itself. But at least it is certain, it brings closure.

I just read this post by Urban Insanity. The post can be found here. It was just a normal another grandma dead story for a reader. Yes it may sound a bit insensitive. But for reals, if it weren't related to you in some way, it is just stories when you read. I am sure it is gut wrenching, heart breaking for Urban. Well that is how it started. Then it resonated me when he said about how he is his grandma's golden boy, how his grandma asks him who he is dating how he is doing and how he can never really answer those questions.

That really hit me. That is exactly what happened on my trip back to my hometown. I am the Chinese only child in the family. That literally means I am the family extension in this world. I BEAR the responsibility to shag a impregnate a girl so that my family name will carry on. Other than that everyone just assumed I am straight. My grandma is half paralyzed from stroke so she couldn't speak, but I am certain that she wants to ask. Three aunts of mine, other close and distant family members, my mom's friends, and strangers all have asked me, "dating yet? what kind of girl, ready to get married." JUST WTF. All I could do is smile like a retard.

My grandma, though her love to her family wasn't communicated to her kids as well as Urban's grandma, the sincerity was real. She would never understand the whole gay thing and how bad she wanted to be a great grandmother. Yet I find myself completely speechless and cowardly when it comes to my sexually. I want my true self to be with my family like how it is supposed to be. I really can't. Same to my parents. I thought possible solutions for our situation. One is to live a double life: married with gays, suck cocks on the sides. That is just fucked up and it would ruin so many people's lives once exposed. Two is to live a gay life and lie to my parents, which would be painful and it would definitely disappoint my parents but at least I am not causing as much damage. Three is to come clean which doesn't seem to be possible. The best solution seems to be the second one but the closure would only come when one of us is dead, either my family or me. It is so horribly sad and yet it seems to be so logical.

Urban found closure eventually when he thinks that his grandma is knowing and at peace. However, that is because he finally decided to move on and to find his own peace. What if the sense of responsibility is so strong that I can't move on. Then I would feel like I betrayed my grandma EVEN in her death. Now she is dead AND furious about my situation. What would i do then? I won't be able to talk to a dead person and the sense of guilt would be much more enduring...

I am not sure death would bring me closure but it seems to be the only solution. Don't worry I am about to kill myself or my family for that matter. I am just saying this as a matter of fact.

This totally blows.