Hiccup?

I don't know. I feel like this whole incident was like a giant painful hiccup. 

My dad, after three days of sulking, constipating and ignoring, he seems to slowly return to normal.  I was so 110% sure that he knew, now I am only 99% sure that he knew.  Whatever thought process that he went through with his best logic as he knows it, has made him completely oblivious toward current situation.  He now is in a full on denial mode.  

I was anxiously waiting for "the talk" or at least his desperate cry for his broken heart. Whatever it was, I thought it would be some kind of outcry, at least to my mom.  I wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all because he refused to look at me for three days and whenever he has to pass me by, he would make that heavy breathing sound.  It is quite creepy I think.  But now he is just silent once again.  He is a master of drama I have to say.  The physical silent treatment just closed its curtain, now the psychological void emerges. 

I truly do not understand this man.  Yes I am his son and whether I like it or not I have his traits. For example, sometimes, I just can't stfu. Another example would be self victimizing, which I try so desperately to correct. But overall, I feel that this man and I have fundamental differences regarding prospect of life in general.  I love him in a way that how families HAVE to love each other and nothing more.  I care about him because I have to.  He is my father and I am no animal.  But other than that I really just don't get him at all.  The list can go on and on.  

Deep down I knew today would come.  As a precaution, I kept telling them to be more independent.  Yes, I try to make them emotionally detached from me.  Cook a great meal for my mom, do something for yourself. It is not like we are living in a third world country with a third world living standard.  You have the capacity to enjoy life.  Instead, he would get mad if I don't eat dinner at home.  He would get mad if I come downstairs for dinner 10 mins too late.  He would get mad if I tell him don't cook dinner for me tonight because I had prior plans.  

"I did this just for you."

You FUCKING cooked rice. 

This emotional baggage! His constant reminder of "You owe your life to me" is his way of showing his love.  It is so traditionally Chinese that I want to fucking puke.  You know My MOM could enjoy some fucking rice that is just made for her. Turn your attention to your spouse who is probably gonna spend more time at the end stage of your life!  I am FINE. I am only independent when you want me to be.  I am only as grown up as you wish to believe.  

I seriously feel that because of him, I need years of therapy.  I am more fucked up with him than without.  His fatherly love has never made a warm impression in my whole life and yet everyone around me can attest that he loves me and cares so much about me.

Again I guess it comes down to the fundamental differences. For me, if you are a man, fucking take care yourself and make sure you can at least make the impression that you can out live your spouse. THAT is the ultimate commitment. That is the ultimate promise.  You let people in your life know that You WILL BE FINE.  Even though we are not counting on it, but that is the best ANYONE can do for your family members who truly love you.  I can care much less about some dinner and shit.

He on the other hand, focuses things on the microscopic scale. The dinner, the attitude, the chores and all that random shits become the fabrics of his version of the perfect family.  Oh yeah, he also eats shit load of salt, sugar, fat, and he smokes.  He sleeps late and wakes up early and mentally gets fucked the whole day, then complains about being stressful and tired in America.  He saves pennies, yet doesn't spend anytime invest.  He has high blood pressure, potential heart problem, thick blood, and of course 20 some years of smoking has almost completed spelling lung cancer for him.  On top of that, my grandpa died from colon cancer, and my dad is 55 years old and has yet checked his colon. 

When confronted, he always blames these on other things. Oh if I am rich I would do all these maintenance every day.  It is always about money... !? Bullshit. Yes health insurance purchased by individuals is expensive but with careful planning it is doable. Plus this is the money you should spend, quit smoking would be something on top of the to do list.  

I remember when my uncle in law died from kidney failure, you cried your eyes out right before the corpse was sent to the incinerator.  For what?  Because deep down, you know that would be you in a decade?  You probably already figured out that you have no will power that would steer your bad habits, just like my dead uncle in law.  I still don't know wtf you cried about.  You two had such a bad  relationship and you both looked down on each other, then why the tears back then?  My mom said you were shaken by the sight.  Apparently not shaken enough to learn anything from it.

Always playing the blame game! He has never reflect on himself EVER.  I think I started really hating him when he told me that "It is right because I say it is right because I am always right." From there on he lost all his credibility and that was when I was about 12 years old.  

After 10 years in America, he still cannot speak one full sentence of English and he still has to write numbers reading from a chart and this is when he handles all the family checks and finances. Trust me he has written a lot of checks!  On the contrary everyone that we know in our life, has learned English to some degree. He doesn't even fucking try.  We have a family business and my mom has to do EVERYTHING. He just chooses to do the physical works then complains about being too stressful, physically.  Ok you are getting older so I guess we can tolerate that.  But when asked what he wants to do exactly since he complains about everything that he does nowadays.  His answer? "nothing, I just want to sit around and do nothing, enjoy life." Life of a what? Even sloth would climb trees. It is so obnoxious that I feel hard to breath when I hear that.  I am still mad.  I am mad that in my mind my dad wouldn't be like this.  He is so hypocritical, so selfish, and so irresponsible. I used to believe if that my dad was more of a role model and manly, I wouldn't be gay.  I know that is not true now but I think that thought that belief and that expectation still made a heavy dent in my relationship with him.  He just wants to be a domestic king and a social wuss.  Let me correct that, he can only be a domestic king because social status isn't handed to him so he is ok with being a social wuss that just doesn't know when to stfu.  At least I used to be able to be sympathetic and now I am even worried that I am just so indifferent toward him.

All of this, how does this make him responsible, how does this show that he cares?

I am so frustrated and fed up with his arrogance and ignorance over the years. 

Plus my teenage years... that is another post. This particular post that I often mention about, will be done soon but it is going to be a heavy one down to the memory lane...

Now after you figure out your son is gay, all you can come up is a silent and odorless fart. Playing the victim for three days and now you are silent?

Of course, this again has to be about YOU.  You are the victim of the family. Hell, as you claimed that you are the victim of your own family back in my grandma's ages. I have to say maybe he is traumatized but he never tried to pick himself out of that. 

He STILL talks about the hardship that he endured back in the Cultural Revolution in China. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND PROBABLY DIED. You, dad, on the other hand just weren't fed enough. 

I always asked my mom, do you really love dad? I know she never loved him in the beginning, but it was the good nature of hers that made her commit and finally sincerely cherished the family. Her own words, "the first time I saw your dad, he wasn't bad". "however, my coworker said your dad's look was very bland."

That is just fucking wonderful, the least he could do is to give me a prettier face. Everything is just fucked up. Now I am just really ranting.

I don't know.  I feel like my relationship with my dad has dropped down to a dimension that is beyond time and physics.  It was as if it was nice and warm all of sudden it was a ugly blur and now I just don't care anymore.  How pathetic is this really?

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Here is the HNT picture, in case you are confused what part of my body this is... This is my leg, the thigh, knee, leg area.

Whenever I am super stressed I dwell back into the world of video games, usually the time consuming ones... I am play FF11 right now. It is great, I tend to forget a lot. Better than stuffing my face I think, that would be deadly on my weight. This weekend should be fun, going out gay clubbing again, and the long beach pride. sigh I think I really need it. Next weekend, I am trying to plan this Getty's Museum visit. I don't know why I just really want to be there for some reason, that place sounds just so peaceful