I am so PISSED and humiliated!!

Have you ever tried someone that you felt like you are dating DOWN, like lowering your bar, decreasing your standard a bit, being nice for once, trying the dating thing like a normal person, THEN your little experimental date looks up and tell you, hmmm this is not what I am looking for. Sorry...

There are just too many things that are so wrong in this scenario.

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Mistake #1.

I asked his picture, and some of them looked ok and some of them looked hmmm average. I thought I would at least go to the date and see him, maybe he is not too photogenic. We had good conversations and great chemistry, so why not give this a try. I was getting really excited as you guys can tell.  I showed up to dinner and met him. Ok it was not about being photogenic. He did look almost exactly like how he did in pictures. But in reality, he looked fatter. A bit double chin going on and definitely didn't look like 180lbs. Ok I AM 180lbs with the same height, and I look slim and have proportions, 42" chest hello. 

I was a bit disappointed to be honest. But always a trooper, I thought to myself that he was a great guy, and we had nice conversations, so this should be really good.

During dinner, I got to look at him a bit more close up. I thought I really preferred to look at him further away. It was a bit of struggle. Physically I was not really attracted to him. But he had a nice voice, shy in a cute way and generally enjoying my company. We talked about our experiences what not and I was very open about what I wanted and what I liked. He seemed to agree with everything I said. There was no dull moment, he kept trying and was good at keeping the conversation light and interesting. He laughed a lot and smiled a lot and I was pretty sure he liked it. He paid the dinner, about 60 bucks with tips. Pretty generous too I thought. I was so glad that I took a risk because it seemed like that it was paying off.

For the first time ever, with a guy to whom I only had dating intentions, I found myself able to look beyond the physical facade. I liked the ease of conversation. Like I said before, he wasn't sarcastic, so I never heard anything such as "if you are fat you will never get laid, uh hmm." Yes, that is what I have heard in my past experience from my gay friends/acquaintances. 

I was happy. I wasn't shallow and I have been enjoying a REAL DATE. Like those fucking straight people have been doing for a decade since their puberty. 

I was taking a risk, first step to fly. 

One reason I found myself in only fucking type of relationship is that, as I blogged before, I am too afraid. If I don't see myself with someone who would have at least a potential to have a long term relationship, then I would not even try. Let's just fuck, no harm no foul. NO FEELINGS hurt for anyone.

Today, I was willing to take a risk, to let it all hang loose once, even though it was for someone who I knew wasn't the ideal person. But at least it was a start. 

It was that much determination, that much effort went through my head while I tried to keep the date going smoothly. 

when I finally made that decision, I found peace. I wasn't looking at his small double chin or anything. I too had a real date, not a date where you head straight to the bedroom where the 8inch felt so great and that 6 packs felt so hard. 

Mistake #2.

I was too honest. This is how I am. I talk about anything that is on my mind. I told him this since the start before we even talked. I talked about how I treat people with no agenda and I let them know what I think and what I want right away, especially in a situation like this! I did feel like I may have sounded a bit more relationship oriented because I kept saying hooking up without feelings is getting tiring. he AGREED. I wasn't sure what game he was playing but he agreed and gave his two cents as well.

So the date went on just fine and we bought pink berry and went back to his place.

Mistake #3

I was playing good. It wasn't really playing though. Because I was so determined to do this right. I told him I wasn't going to fuck on the first date. BTW HE NAMED THIS THING AS A DATE. So I went in. He was as nervous as ever and didn't really approach me. So I put my head on his lap god damn I thought that WAS CUTE? How stupid. 

We talked more. I then asked for some pictures of his past girlfriend. The only reason was actually for vanity. Even though he wasn't that hot for me but I wanted to see if he had a hot girlfriend. Then that would somehow justify my compromise? I know it was an ill logic but it worked for me at that time. I guess I was still seeking for some sort of reassurance of he really deserved my first date, the biggest step I have ever taken relationship wise. He said he didn't take any. So I was just sitting there waiting for him to make a move. We kept talking about pictures then he showed me this long series of pictures in his camera about his trip to Chile etc... All I was thinking, ok is he going to make a move or what. I could tell he was horny. His breathing was definitely heavier and he was extra nervous and his body was tense. He often didn't know where he should put his hands. 

So finally I was just pretty sick of his shy nature, I lied down and he came over sitting there looking over me. I put his hands on my chest. I asked him,

"why are you so nervous?"

"I don't know I am just nervous kinda."

I kept my eye contact with him all this time.

"this is your house. I was hoping you could be more confident and more demanding."

"yeah i don't know I just don't know what to do."

"is this what you do with your girlfriend?"

"no."

"then what is wrong."

"i am not sure it just feels different."

"I see, I guess you don't find me attractive?"

"no I really like how you are, I think you are hot."

All this time when we were talking, his hands finally became more encouraged and started to  tingle my thigh by moving his fingers along my legs. 

Then I don't remember how it was, it moved on to fucking subject yet again. I was saying how tired pure fucking could be. His hands stopped moving. I noticed but I didn't think it was a big deal.

"then i said, god, you are so reserved. this is your home and I am here ain't I?"

"alright then."

Finally a sense of confidence came over, and he started to unbutton me and started to caress my chest and my abs. 

"I like your body. Nice skin color."

"let me see yours."

I lifted his shirt, his flappy belly popped out.

I stopped trying to see more. I thought to myself, "ok no sex anyway. I guess after all I still can't be a saint. I do need to maintain certain physical standard and he is a bit overweight, etc etc etc. "

At this point, I was getting annoyed and became really demanding, this is how I am anyway. 

"hmmm alright, so this is all you are gonna do tonight?"

"ah, I don't know. I am not sure. This is different."

"hmm I don't feel like doing anything anymore." He said

He walked to his fridge, got a bottle of water and asked me if I wanted anything. 

I was laying there like WTF IS HAPPENING?

"er.. what is this?"

"I don't know. I think we are looking for very different things. You are demanding and you want more from this."

I was thinking, omg I am not a slut I already said there would be NO SEX, what did he mean I wanted more.

"er... no, remember I told you my pants are not coming off tonight."

"right, no fuck on the first date."

"see this is too much, this is a date and you aren't just one of those fuck buddy type..." he said after pausing briefly.

"you think I want a relationship."

"yes, I think this is what it is. I kinda know you now, so I can't just fuck and then that is that. You are a nice guy, so I don't want to just fuck then end it like that. I can't do that. I am definitely not looking for a relationship and apparently that is what you are looking for."

"......... so that is what you think?  and you already 'know me'? Just so you know that whatever I have told you, I have told everyone that I have fucked."

"yeah, ok, i didn't mean it like that. I am saying that I think that is what it is. So I can't do it."

SERiOUSLY? The one time that I didn't want actual sex I got turned down? not only that, for a reason that has NEVER been part of me? I wanted to be a relationship oriented guy and failed at all times. Now suddenly I AM THE DEMANDING RELATIONSHIP type? like SERIOUSLY? 

STUPID FUCKING ME THAT when he said I wanted more, the FIRST thing that came to my mind was "IS HE THINKING I AM  A SLUT that I AM FAKING the no sex on the first date thing." 

IT WAS JUST THE opposite. like SERIOuslY?

It was irony at its best. 

It is like, 

When you feel a homeless person is so poor that you pulled over in your car just so that you can give him some change, he tells you that he only takes 1 dollar bills and above (happened in downtown area to me and my friends")

When you want to pity fuck someone he tells you that you aren't his type.

When you save a snake and it bites you.

I know all this don't sound quite fitting here but that is how I felt. Ironically embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt. 

The one time I tried to be a normal nice guy who doesn't want the shallow crap, I become the relationship oriented bitch who is desperate for some action. The one time I let my feeling hanging loose a bit, it gets pissed on all over by a fucking fat tard.

The one time I feel like that I am dating down, I am the one who gets rejected for all the wrong reasons. 

like SERIOUSLY!!

You know what? fuck buddies are not bad at all! Mine actually texted me earlier this morning told me how much he missed the hot fucks and hope we could do it again soon. 

You know what? playing hard to get definitely get you whole lot more hot asses and cocks to suck on.

You know what? being a typical superficial douchebag gay is the only way you don't get humiliated like this.

I told him that I have never been turned down by someone like him. I didn't say what I thought about him the first 5 mins I met him.

I said,

"you know what, let me just say this, ... never mind, it is not relevant and it is not necessary to hurt anyone's feeling here."

What I wanted to say was

"you are kinda overweight and rocking a double chin, I am really out of your league and when I am being so generous, how dare you fucking play this shit on me? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU to ruin MY  FIRST DATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAT FUCK."

Nothing came out, it was just all screaming back and forth in my skull.

He kept saying sorry, which made it even worse. 

I kept telling him, don't fucking say sorry, it is not my loss so please save it. I left his place and deleted his number. 

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HNT - picture this thursday.