Life Moves on

It always does, no matter what happens.

Post coming out to my mom has been amazing. The second day was just as painful though. She still looked devastated and we would cry as soon as the quietness reoccupy the room. It is even harder because we had to hide it from my dad. She said some even more hurtful things such as "I wish I never had you so wouldn't suffer though this abomination" or "how about we die together." Yes she did go there. I kept my cool and focused on the ball. The key was to keep talking to her. I wouldn't leave a single moment and let her mind go wild on its own. I had to drag her out of that self loathing spiral and make her understand that it is MY life and MY issue to deal with. She needed to stop worrying for me (at least for the wrong reasons), and she needed to stop mentally enslaving herself to become a victim. She has been an incredibly strong woman and she has been trying to keep an open mind. As soon as she started talking, I knew it was going to be a good journey from there and on.

I was absolutely right, after 3 days of constant communication she has already made almost an 180 degrees turn. Even though she still wanted me to try girls and allegedly a nerd is coming from Australia and she wants me to see her (my eyes have rolled to the back of my confused brain), she and I are very clear that my attraction to guys is way more compared to girls and she really know that most likely I would end up with a guy.

I think it was three days ago that she told me she read an article about a Chinese guy coming out to his parents. Her mom's reaction was the same. The family was just like our family which has been very traditional and they maintained a healthy environment since the kid was little. In the article, the gay dude made his mom a grandma in 5 years. So after my mom read it, her comments were "I guess things work out, it might not be so bad." Even though I could tell that it wasn't something that she originally planned but after literally days of communication, along with her own tremendous effort, her view and her hopes started to transform. As I told her, since we are living in this world, we are already the lucky ones. Look at the brighter side of all things and life will move along much better. People really don't appreciate or understand this until they encounter some grief adversity I guess. I think once something traumatic happens, the recovery definitely makes a person better if the person is willing to direct him/herself to the right path.

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For those of you who left me messages, emails, and phone calls, I have to say a very sincere thank you. Without this blog, I think my accidental coming out wouldn't come so soon and I think life has become much better and easier. For that I have to appreciate the mere chance of starting a blog so randomly. Also, more importantly, I have to say thank you again to those of you who kept talking to me online. Topics might be random but the communication, gay related or not build up confidence in me and I really really appreciate that. Amit, I am fine. Hehe don't worry, I didn't jump off a tall building and check out. lol~~

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ok back to my regular gay rant. I know from here and on I think the blog will not likely have anything huge and dramatic for a while. It is going to be boring and rant filled, so turn away if you wish hehe.

I went to the outlet, wasn't so much for the shopping but to just hanging out more with my friends.

I somehow have a gut feeling that in a year or two, my life will have another transformation and so will my friends. For example, my best friend is comtemplating wether or not to take Dior's offer. If she does, she has to sign a five year contract and travel to a different place every month. I always wanted to keep everyone close by so I feel a sense of community. However, we are all growing up and we have to burst the bubble and start to live our lives. LA is just one fucked up city and there is a whole world outside of California and even America. Anyways, back to my story...

Rishi shut up, outlet is for people too! It was great. At YSL an obvious gay couple were shopping. They weren't fem or anything. But the way they interacted with each other and how they dressed and how the older one checked me out once I entered were all clear signs. I think the older one was the younger one's sugar daddy because he seemed to be paying the bill. Hehe. I know I am so cynical. On the way out, a pair of white boys dressed up like Euro trash meets California surfer wanna bes walked pass us laughing and chatting. The long haired one stopped and definitely checked me out with failed subtlety. I mean he did that seemed to be looking down but actually looking at you kinda thing. haha I loved it, I mean it is always great when someone nice checking you out! lol~~ Then when I went to True Religion, a David Beckham kinda guy was shopping there and I couldn't take my eyes off him. We exchanged looks but I was sure he wasn't into me. I mean if he stepped in a gay club he would demand attention whereas I just sit at the corner... However, my friend said he was gross due to his dark pink sandals. Yeah I think it is kinda gross too haha.

I don't know I think once your parent knows, you feel more comfortable doing whatever you are doing. It isn't so bad anymore.

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On another note, I am cutting a friend of my life again. This is the 3rd time I am doing this to friends who I have met over 3 full years. In fact one was 8 years, then a 3 years, and this one was going for the 4th year. It is truly sad but I think once you see a person's essence, there is no need to waste your time on people who don't deserve it. It is not so much Holier than Thou attitude, rather, it is how compatible you feel. I am always really nice to people and the idealistic side of me always dreamed about everyone lives happily together and people treat each other with respect, care, and sincerity. Apparently, my practical side has been winning the battle since the beginning of time as I know it. The teacher that I blogged about, told us that you would be considered lucky if you could make more than two true friends in your life. It is true. Personally, I think true friends would be friends would give you the truth with all the good intentions, friends would overcome jealousy and embrace your success, friends who would treat your problems like their own and help you succeed, and friends who wouldn't be afraid of correcting your horrible personal traits. It is a one chance world and you just can't fuck it up. For gay men, it is even easier. Just see which friend of yours would stand up for you when you are the minority. I don't mean it like they have to march on the street for gay marriage. But how they react to your transformation, how they treat the topic around, and how they initiate their interaction around you and your gay friends all speak louder than their words. I am sure a lot of people are "cool" with it now, but sadly it isn't so true. They still do not fully understand what exactly it is like to be gay. A lot of them claim they are cool with it means a mere "I am not dumping you out of my life" assurance. Yes, as sad as it sounds, that is their acceptance.

The reason I am writing this is because it has to do with my recent coming out. The process has been very easy except for the mom. I really naively thought my friends were cool with it. However, I think I learned a lesson that "cool" with it isn't right. We do not need tolerance. We tolerate diseases, we tolerate a tyrant, we tolerate bad weathers. We need respect and equality. I want to be treated like I am no different than anyone else around me. We are normal people; we aren't diseases. Cool with it already has some sort of "doing you a favor" "I am very holy and moral" connotation to it. What they do not understand, also, we as closeted gays who fail to notice in this chaotic process, is that somehow their acceptance of our sexual identity has made them morally superior. So OUR issues become something that is entirely about them! I am not making an over generalizing comment here. I am sure a lot of people are really accepting it and supporting it for me. But yesterday I just learned that some may not and I think every self respecting gay man should open their eyes and really see what is going on.

I came out to a friend named J a couple months ago. Her boyfriend is Asian and extremely fob. So I never liked him to begin with. Her brother is about 5'6", skinny to the bones, and kinda fem, so if anything he would be identified as the gay man. The boyfriend and the brother both look like genuine bottoms but due to their delirious minds, they just don't see it. Yet, they are homophobic, and they think I am gay because, 1. I don't like to fix up my car. (yeah you heard it right, fucking fobs get a grip, making a fake turbo on your fucked up Toyota doesn't make you straight), 2. I seem to argue about useless shit with people, you know like, topics like respect. This friend of mine was a bit of shall we say immature. She could be friendly all the time but when you count on her doing something important, she always seems to flake out. The people in our group all tolerated her antics because she looks like 16 even though she is already 23. But who would really argue with her since she looks like 16??

Anyways because of all this, I really just wanted to maintain a healthy normal friend relationship with her. I know that because of all the differences and the lack of reliability and trust wouldn't make us the best of friends but she was good enough for me to tell her who I really was. I told her, she was shocked and she said she was honored that I trusted her enough to share this with her. (I was happy that she suddenly said something so supportive). I told her, DO not tell your bf and brother because they are homophobic even though they look gayer than I am. I don't know them, period, and they like to gossip so please DO NOT SHARE this information. However, if they directly ask you if I was gay due to some unusual circumstances, such as catching me chatting with you about guys etc, I guess it is ok to let them know. But DO NOT voluntarily advertise this. She said "oh, man that is gonna be hard, but ok I promise you I won't since it is something about 'life and death"'. I was assured because she said something so profound, she seemed to understand the magnitude of this issue and the importance of my privacy.

One month later, both her brother and boyfriend knew. And I just figured that out 3 days ago. When I confronted her, she used her signature "omg, so annoying, I don't' know what is going on, it just happened, I don't know I don't know I don't know." response. She then proceeded with some lame and vague excuse. Her explanation was because her bf and brother always talk about it so she felt really annoyed. In her mind, by telling them that I was gay would stop them from talking about me being potentially gay. First of all, if they are as straight as they sound, why would they sit together and talk about which guy would possibly be gay SO MUCH that you couldn't even just ignore it. Secondly, how is telling them that I am gay gonna stop them from talking. So much for the "life and death" comment. Their bitch mouths would be splashed all over the places and spread more about the perpetual Asian gay stereotypes, you know, I don't like to fix up my car. (seriously, what kinda fucking retards fix up cars, if you aren't rich, spend the money on investments educations and read a bit more; if you are rich, get a Bentley or Ferrari already.) The fact that she awkwardly lied about her motive was even more insulting. I mean do I look like that I am that stupid to believe this shit that she smeared all over my face?

I do not know what part of DO NOT tell them she didn't understand. I guess coming out does show who are your real friends. For them it is not a big deal to just talk about it like if they farted or not in the morning. What is even worse that they would probably just turn around and call me over sensitive. See how she made this shit completely about her and made it in a way that I coudln't even blame her for what she did. I mean what kind of douchebag would I be if I blame her for her attempt to stop them from talking about me being right?

I mean can you imagine when you rely them on something even less significant? The utter lack of respect, trust, and outright ignorance are the final draw for me. The world is large and people do come in and go in your life. I am not going to waste my time on useless fuck ups like this anymore. Man I shouldn't have bought her that fucking Juicy Couture make up bag a week ago. God I am so fucking blind.

Anyways rant off.

Thanks Rishi for the phone call I had a good laugh!