I just come across this animation online and it cannot be more truthful. I mean we all have said the similar things and deep down we still think it is true. But it is so easy to get caught up in the daily errands. Life is a musical in which there should be dances and music and we should live through it. Instead of living it like a straight line, a journey, or a pilgrimage. It is so true. I think I have mentioned that I started to have mid life crisis since I was 18. Now I come to think of it, it probably started when I was in elemental school. Everyone told us to keep moving up on the academic ladder. Then when we start working we should aim to get promoted and what not. Life is about reaching that idealism or that theory called success. In the beginning I guess I was having those midlife crisis because I was terrified. Everyone around me told me that should I given up on this academic themed ladder climbing game, I would end up cleaning the streets. In a society where success was mostly measured on a better materialistic living standard, people would go as far as calling teachers, workers, and anyone who depends on a salary a failure. Then people have to find their own success caliber. It is always relative. That is why there is always a higher quota that makes everyone like chinchilla on heat. Never a dull moment to fulfill that higher quota. Hoax is what Alan Watts called it.
I am ranting this isn't for random reasons. Though as pretentious as it sounds, this particular topic is actually something that is always on my mind. As I just mentioned that if my anxiety attack was from fear of failure, then my current doubts, worries, and any feeling that resembles similarities to midlife crisis are probably due to my fear of the truth. As another blogger Rishi said once to me that everyone has to choose a path in their lives. In a way, everyone's life is somewhat predetermined. Here I am going to make a broader generalization, please excuse me Rishi if this isn't what you meant all, that Free will is relative. Everything we do or don't do is related to a big part of our finance capability. For some professions, such as Rishi's, the future neuro surgeon, he seems to know exactly how much he will be making and how he is going to live his life using that money. So in order to reach that goal, he has to go through this quota. He is very successful for his age already - one of the best in his medical program in the nation. Yet it is far from over. It is a pilgrimage indeed. The road in medicine is a life long one. He spends most of the time in the lab and working his ass off. Luckily he enjoys it.
But for me, I somehow just never thought that is how life should/would be. As we were talking, I pointed out that this belief of mine was one of our fundamental differences as two individuals. Though we both went to private universities and went through intense programs in our field, I still somehow felt that he was destined to do what he does and he does it with all this passion or even rage. I do have that side of competitiveness but I just feel that when an individual lives and breathes his/her profession, he/she is being consumed by it. Somehow I just feel that life should just be something more than that.
I am worried nowadays is that I am still in my pursuit of that "successful" quota and I already know there is no end in my field. I mean for Rishi, it is to become a neuro surgeon. Then he will continue to do research. Saving people's lives, and conquer diseases what not. But even he doesn't figure out how to completely cure Parkinson's or brain cancer, he would still have this intrinsic satisfaction. But what about business? I remember I read this article in which the guys in NY financial field are complaining about 7 figure salaries. In their own words, when you are poor you always wanted to fly first class, and after 5-7 years of life draining career building, you finally can afford first class. But then you suddenly find out that real rich people fly private. I don't know because business and corporate world provides probably everything except for the feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. If there is, it would be short lived but quotas are instantly raised. If anything it makes you want more.
What if after I am 45, become that pathetic dude in this video, looking into my "accomplishment" bag and shake and shake and nothing tangible really comes out? Then I really realize that this is all just a hoax. What would I do then. Would I be able to find my life value from a partner or husband by then so I don't feel sad lonely and empty? I don't want to live in this hoax yet billions of people live through it.
I guess I like California because it gives you a chance to breath. Whenever you just walk down a beach or a very nice and quiet neighborhood, you feel you are touching life. I like that. Despite my keen interest in i-bank and money, another side of me just really wants to enjoy the sun and catch some waves for the rest of my life.
Anyways, going to bed. I have a rat race to catch tomorrow morning.