Coming out to my mom - 2
Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.
So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.
My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.
"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.
I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."
"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"yeah..."
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"
By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.
"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."
She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.
It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.
"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"
Pause,
"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"
Silence.
"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."
Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.
Half jokingly, "are you gay?"
Silence
"ARE YOU?"
More tears.
Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"
"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.
She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"
Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,
"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.
I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.
She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"
I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.
She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"
She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.
All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.
"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."
She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.
"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."
"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."
She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.
Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.
Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.
"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."
"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."
She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"
"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."
Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.
But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.
Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.
"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."
"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."
For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.
This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.
15 comments:
I can't imagine, that was hard to read in that I wanted it to be easier for you. My thoughts are with you and hoping for everything to work out. Your a brave guy.
"Moms always knows", my ex American roommate in AZ used to say this sentence to me, he told me that he knew his mom knew he is gay and his mom didn't say anything, just accepted peacefully, he didn't talk to his mom about who he really is until his mom passed away 5 yrs ago. He just comes out to close friends and some close family member, like his youngest brother and some of his sisters. I think my mom has already known that I'm gay for couple years, and she doesn't talk to me about that, I guess she doesn't believe that her little man is gay. I'm from Asia, I know how hard it is to come out to Asian family, so I come to US alone to get away from my family, I kind of don't know how to face my family. I'd observed my family for couple years since I knew I'm gay, I don't think they can accept the truth about me, I think I'm gonna to keep this secret from my family until I die. I just come out to my American friends, I won't come out to my Asian friends until they can accept gays.
HoganFX
That was rough, bro. I can't imagine sitting for all of those things she said, but I guess in that moment the kid just wants to please their parent... make their mom less sad.
I hope she understands soon. Or actually, it sounds like she does understand, but needs time to accept it. I think she'll come around.
Nothing Golden Stays
I'm very impressed you were able to not only tell your mom, but be able to sit there while she went through what she did. I would never have been able to do that. I hope it all works out well for you.
Brave, man. But don't make promises you know you can't - or don't want to - keep.
Sorry to hear that it didn't turn out so well.
I would have probably handled it the way you did... saying you would try dating a woman again and stuff like that; so what you did was totally understandable to me.
You were brave to say and do what you did. It took a lot I am sure to do that, which is part of why I'm not out.
You really deserve better than this man, but the fact that you had the strength to do this in the first place means you'll find a way to deal with it and get through - without ultimately compromising who you are, or who you want to be.... i like to say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but he isn't afraid to go right up to the limit. While you obviously love your family, this is really about you, and you should feel okay dealing with them however you want in order to create the mental space you need to process all of this and still move ahead.
I'm the same anonymous person who made the original comment on this post...Was just checking back to see how your doing. Just cheked back hoping you were fine. ---Randy
I am proud of the courage you found to tell your mom and the situation that followed with her being so emotional and all.
I wish you the best and hopefully your mom will get over it and accept it. It will take time for her to understand.
Oh wow. Regardless, she will always love you but I caution you against promising her that you will find a wifey as an intermediate step towards her accepting you.
I do applaud your courage and I hope everything works out for you man. Happy Belated Birthday.
wow a powerful story
i just hope that everything works out for the best for you and your mum ^^
i respect people that have the guts to do this. all i can say is good for you and i believe that it will all work out in the end because these mother child relationship can not be broken...she just need time to process and a accept
i really like that you comforted your mum and did what you could to make her feel better even when you the person afraid and maybe alone at that time and hearing these hurtful words…which I believe your mum doesnt mean she is just in shock
i really respect and admire you so much
Thankyou for sharing your story I hope my words bring comfort to you :)
be strong fighting! ^^
I hope things resolve themselves peacefully sooner than later. Keep the faith.
I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I can only commiserate.
It will get better, trust me. Your mom needs time to grieve the son she thought you were and embrace who she now knows you are. My mom stayed in bed for 3 days after we told her. Yes, I said we, my twin brother is also gay and we came out to our parents at the same time. She just needs time.
There are some really good books out there for parents of gay children to help them deal with this whole process. It really is a coming out for them as well as you. Good luck and give her some time. And know that you have a lot of support from those of us who read your blog.
Bruce
Oh Hammie, after your email the other week, this was the very very last thing I was expecting you to do.
I know how you feel, that is exactly how my aunt reacted when I told her, except she made no physical contact with me at all. It was a emotionally exhaustive day and I can't imagine what is going through your mind right now.
I so wanna say things will work out in x amount of time, but Chinese people's emphasis on community and society is as prevalent as it is in Indian people, and it isn't so clear cut.
I know that when the time comes, it comes, and I applaud your bravery for going through with it - but that promise to try girls will come back to haunt you, it'll make her wonder if you are sure you're gay and she's prey on that and force you to do somethine, that you may come to regret.
Listen if you wanna talk, I'm here for you, drop me a line, whilst I ain't Chinese, but I can honestly say I know almost what you're going through.
Be strong, and give her time to get use to that before you press her again, just give her some space - there is no words for how hard this is for her to tolerate and accept.
Think with a level head, everything she asks you to do - my aunt made very similar suggestions to me, I was stood firm and insisted it was not a phase, if you don't do that... it'll be taken steps backwards... with time I cn't promise she'll be ok with it, but it does get better.
Amit x
I hope things have gotten better since your last post.
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