A rainy Saturday night

Finally it started to rain again. This winter has been pretty weird. Yeah I think they are right, the world is gonna end due to global warming. Anyway, feel stupid for not writing since there is a lot of stuff going on.

Tonight, I am going clubbing at LAX. This time I should be able to get in there. I just can't believe how unfortunate in the past when I tried to get in there. This place reminded me of KiKi. I couldn't get in for 3 times because of her.

Darn. This is funny, I am reediting my post as I am writing it. Change of plan, our promoter friend is not going anymore because he is sick and his cousin who supposed to go with us also bailed. So I guess LAX is never meant to be!! But Hester and I are still going out to Grand Lux Cafe in Beverly Center to surprise Michele.

But yeah... last night I had a weird dream. I dreamed of Kiki, and it was incredibly sad and sweet in the dream. And when I woke up, I didn't want it to end. What is going on? Is it possible that I am missing her? This is messed up. It was such a pain to hang out with her and it was clearly enough for me. But we hanged out for 6 months, and there were a lot of mindless fun. I guess it is still hard to banish a person completely. I guess the reason I had this dream is because I am trying to plan a trip with Hester to Europe and KiKi would probably come too and I am concerned how we are going to work this out. Bah... I dont know. This is just weird.

I just got off the phone with TJ, a fellow intern at Disney. He is not particularly good looking or strikingly cute. But IMO he is very down to earth and cute in his own way. Well, actually my taste is pretty weird. Most of the white guys are pretty cute for me hahaha. Yeah I guess he is good looking and I would definitely fool around with him if he wanted to. He lives in Huntington Beach. Beach cities are fascinating because I always think that I was supposed to be born in a beach city. I would become a surfer for sure. So I guess because of this conjured version of my destiny always make me feel pretty keen around beach people. I would probably go to his place next week or smething to just chill. Too bad he isn't gay. And talking about not being gay, an executive's assistant is smoking hot and is 90% straight too. His name is Wayne and probaly around mid 40. He got this sexy short hair which is half grey on his well structure head. His body is superb. It is buff, defined, and proportionate. It is just at the right proportion that it is not overwhelming or easy to overlook. He has a beautiful smile and has a very good manner and his body language is exuburantly confident. He is much older than I am but he is so attractive to me. I am already a sucker for beautiful older guys and he is just a very nicely built older guy. He already has at least one child and has been to the Navy for 20 years. So I guess the chance of him being gay is very very slim... Oh man.. why the good ones are all freaking straight. But I am not gonna let him slip without at least trying. I have a luncheon with him next Weds. We will see how it goes from there.

Bah change of plan again, I guess we are going to clubbing afterall. Hester called the guy who bailed in the beginning and telling him that we weren't going to clubbing anymore. I guess he thought that his decision affected our plan so he decided to go again. Also, he is bringing his friends too. I dont really know them, so hopefully it is gonna be fun. About this guy... His name is Tommy and I heard that his family owns a prominant supermarket chain in Los Angeles. I know this market and my parents shop there all the time. It is a very big chain and I don't know if it is true that they own it. But he is very wealthly regardless. Thursday we went to Grand Lux Cafe, and he was gonna drive his Bentley...

Anyway, I've ranted aimless enough for one night. Going out soon...

A very sad day for the Trojans

We didn't play as well as we should have, and the Bruins played their heart out. The result is shocking and I still wonder what could have been. With so much stake on the line, and with so much hope from everyone, we still couldn't push through the Bruin's defensive line. So long BCS 2006, here we come Rose Bowl.

No matter, Trojans are still the best family to be in. Fight on!

A drunken mess

I dont normally get drunk because I know that I can't hold my liquor well when I take shots, the only way I know how to drink. I usually try my best to not to drink too much in the public because I know it is just not a good picture to look at. But last Saturday was different, it was the USC football homecoming game. Michele was going to the game for the first time. Despite the fact that USC screwed their students for this semester with the disgusting seat shortage (8k student seats are reduced to 4k AFTER spirit season tickets are sold out, classy), and we were pretty sure that we weren't gonna get the tickets, we still decided to get drunk and go support. Hester brought a brand new bottle of Tequila Patron. It was the larger package too. We didn't waste anytime. With our determination, we finished the bottle in about 1 hour, and the rest just went from a happy time to a drunken blur and then all I knew was that the whole situation turned very ugly. I even thought to myself, "I will regret this, ha ha ha." But it was too late.

Now I reflect on what has happened, and I don't really know what happened. Before even when I was extremely drunk, I haven't been this relentless and this brutally intrusive. I wrestled a guy to the floor and all I could think about was how good it would feel if he could fuck me. He was clearly straight and his friends who were also Michele's new found friends were pretty shocked. Hester passed out but had sudden spurs of energy which transformed into different displays of her remaining life source. She would suddenly ran and swirl and then fall like a dead leaf. We then screamed, ran, and passed out more on campus near Tommy Trojan. I know that I kissed a lot of people, people who were probably more happy if they were left alone. But I dont know what it was that just kept fueling me to do all these crazy things. It is more than achohol.

Eventually we ended up back to Michele's place. I hardly remembered how we went back. I felt bad that she had to stay to make sure that we were ok. I know it is highly immature and definitely not something that I do on purpose, but I really do enjoy being taken care of. I think it is Peter Pan syndrome, or maybe because I have no siblings. Being taken care of feels good. But of course I would always return this kind of favor in some other way. I need to snap out of this phase, it is getting old fast. I am afterall 23 already.

That was the night. The second day, I spent the whole day hanging out with Dodonna. She is going back to Taiwan for vacation pretty soon. She bought me two really nice shirts for Christmas sicne she is not gonna be here around that time. So we decided to shop for her present. I ended buying her a pair of Juicy flats and a eyeliner thingy with 5 different colors. She was really happy. It is so cute when she is happy. I dont know, I really wished that she was my real sister, then I could open up even more and give her more love. I know it sounds strange that you have to "give" love; it sounds so material and superfacial, but I think realistically speaking, love is given, it doesn't just happen so naturally and romantically. It is never ideal. Anyway, she was buying some Xmas tree decor items for her co-workers and managers. The sheer amount of different combinations of colors and patterns of globes totally consumed her. So I just started to check out people. I saw this guy. Very clean, with sandles on, which are my favorite thing since they show feet, and I think guys with clean and bare feet are so fucking hot. He was older than I was for sure, a bit gay vibe but still masculine. I dont know I think he is the boyfriend type. So I just kept staring back and later I just stared at him. Seriously, I got more excited than having sex in some way. This is like taboo lol...I am like totally checking out a guy in a public area. It is a bit more than I could handle. It is thrilling and fun like a hide and seek. I am sure he noticed that I was checking him out and he did look back at my direction. But there was nothing, I dont think there was connection or anything since he didn't smile or make more eye contact. I couldn't talk to him either since Dodonna is still clueless about my sexuality.

But that made me think. I think I am becoming more and more ruthless and brave. Coming out is definitely a process, it takes time. I feel like I am learning how to swim. I had the first diving-in and choked in water experience, and now I am just treading lightly in some shallow water that I can handle. It is a new found freedom. The more I explore in this realm, the less I care about what other people think I guess. That is why I openly "molested" that guy on campus, thanks to the extra push from achohol. I feel bad for him though. I messaged him today on facebook and later added him to my friend's list. Hehe, hopefully he would accept. He is pretty cute, also boyfriend type. I dont know, the whole weekend was pretty fun till I started to get sobered up. The more sober I got, the more embarrassed I felt, and I think I could have introduced myself as a gay dude on our campus more graciously than that...

But anyway, USC won the game vs Oregon, and because of the fallout of bunch other schools, we are ranked at #3 again. We will have a good shot at the title game again. This is a bit insane. What if it really happens? That would be a truly glorious come back. Let's hope it happens.

Brothers and Sisters

I am not a much of a TV person. I dont know, I just dont' think TV is a good kind of entertainment. But I have to admit, TV is getting better and better. Anyway, I am only aware of the TV show Brothers and Sisters because the heavy promo that god damn ABC puts out there. The show never really grabbed my attention. The whole theme, the problems in upper class all-American family don't sound very necessary to watch. But today's episode is pretty good actually.

The story goes like this. The family was having crisis, the father in the family embezzled 15 million dollars before he passed away and now the family needed to find that much to pay it off. They've decided to sell the ranch they had since the kids were growing up. The ranch was more than just a house of course, it was a memory book that contained all the fun times the family had in all those years. Things like the height panel, football on the ranch, and the tree house that aided 3 of the kids in the family to lose their virginities are all so very precious to everyone. The mother proposed that everyone should go down to the ranch before they sell it but all the kids, I believe there are five of them, didn't want to go. However, long story short they all went on the weekend separately and found themselves in a very awkward but sweet situation. The older son in the family was sterile and he hated the idea of putting another stranger's sperm, despite how close that guy physically or biologically resembled him, in his wife. The couple was having a very hard time dealing with this issue and the family had no idea. In addition, the sterile brother really wanted to be a father when he grew up. In fact, he wanted to become a dad just like his who raised a picture-perfect all-American family. Now his dream was in shambles and he became so desperate to keep his essence or at least the family essence in his next generation, so he asked his gay brother to help him. The gay brother, to everyone's surprise refused to help. He thought that the only reason that his older brother asked him instead of their youngest brother was because of the fact that he was gay so he was "incompetent" of bringing up his own child. He also thought that interchanging the sperm of brothers to bring a child to the family would cause a lot of chaos and definitely not "normal" and conventional. Toward the end of the episode, his sister, who was played by the girl who played Ally McBeal, told him that he shouldn't really think this way. She understood that although the family was very accepting when he came out to the family and pretty much grew up as a gay man (which I think it is the sweetest thing on earth, having brothers and sisters and they are all accepting who you really are), he still felt extremely lonely (yeah... what about people like me). He really didn't want this to happen to the child and that was why he felt this untraditional practice would put everything in jeapody. The sister said that it should be ok since if they still couldn't get over this, then what kind of difference this generation could bring to the next. It would be the right thing to do to break the traditional barriers and let the children grow up in a truly equal environment where one could really dream and chase the endless possibilities.

I know this idea is so ideal and makes great and cheesy TV. But I just think it is so sweet. People are so anal in our society today. It is election time again and we see all the politicians spending millions of dollars to pretty much duel it out in the political boxing ring. Many of them are running for the government and proposing policies just for the sake of proposing policies. Even more disturbing is that a lot of the conservative politicians are actually standing up for a very large number of people who share the same belief. I sometimes seriously think that we are still living in the Spanish Inquisition age or something. We have all these technologies and world is changing so fast that how can people still be battling over whether or not stem cell research is moral when millions of millions people are dying from genetic diseases, AIDS, and cancer. Why is being gay still an issue to anyone. What happened to the freedom that everyone so casually slaps on their faces and representing themselves as the best race on earth---Americans. This is how scary it is. Yes, American has become a race. It is no longer a nationality. American stands for too many things nowadays that it cannot be considered as a merely nationality. That is why we are so vain and arrogant. We vowed to lead the world to a better tomorrow and at the same time we turn the other cheek. We fought for human rights endlessly and our president has vowed to ban gay marriage. Oh! the hypocrisy and the irony. If there is a God, he must be really happy, because his creations are such amusing little dumb puppies. I am sure we make a good laugh for the old one up there.

I guess you can't be too mad when you spoil someone and they get used to it

I guess it is not so much of a parade; it is more like an open space party. Tonight, Michelle, Hester and I went to West Hollywood for this huge Halloween parade. Kiisfm was actually there hosting this out door concert. Kevin Faggot was there too. I can't believe people are this delusional nowadays. Does he even do anything except for giving white people bad names?

Anyways, today's been crazy. The company's Halloween event drained me. I screamed for 3 some hours and when I made it back home, I had a big headache. When I was gonna take a nap, Hester kept calling me. I don't even remember what she called me for, I just remembered that when I said I was taking a nap, I was already very phased out, and when I fell asleep, she called me two more times. I was very annoyed by that. But it was not big deal. I had a great nap, which somehow gave me another dizzy headache after I woke up. It was thinking, ok time to go I guess. I got Michelle's message around 6:40pm saying that she talked to Hester and they agreed that 8:00pm would be a great time to meet at Michelle's place. By then I already got so lazy and didn't feel like moving. But a plan is a plan, and I got to stick with it. So I just waited till around 7:10pm to check up on Hester to see if she wanted me to pick her up. She sounded in a frenzy on the phone, I thought she was trying on her outfit. She said that she would be ready soon. So I hanged up and kept waiting. I ended up calling her around 8:30pm since she never called me back. She said that she was ready to go and because her nephew had his first Halloween ever, so she had to go. Hmm, I was like at least you could have said that on the phone, so I wouldn't be in this ready to go mode for 1 hour and made Michelle to be in the same mode for more than 1 hour. But whatever, we were going. In the car, we were just talking about random stuff. She talked about the David guy we met back in the Abbey and she takled about how he had a daughter and how mature he was etc. I think she liked him, except for the child part. The trip to Michele's place didn't really take long. We got there around 9:00pm

Met Michelle, same old thing, talked about what went on in the day, and how lazy we got lol...Then Michelle took 5 shots in a roll, and Hester and I both took one shot each. It was enough to get me in the mood already. So after much lagging, we finally moved out of the house. Hester dressed up like an angel. IMO she looked more like a pink faerie. Long story short, we got to the parade. It was so awesome. The part that impressed me the most was the openess of gay people, and THERE WERE SO MANY GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING HOT GUYS. god damn it, when I think about them right now, I just want to do something biological like fucking, sucking, or pee... I dont know why I want to pee but they just make me feel so happy.... Some of the guys had absolutely perfect body.

Three of us started to wander around, and checking out the scene. I am a pretty easy going guy, especially this whole thing is so new, I was just glad for being there. My mind was busy and my eyes were even busier. This was a good time for me already. While we were walking, I suddenly spotted Hoviar whom Michelle'd been trying to get hold of. With HAvior, there was a very cute, and masculine guy named Jeremy. Ah,... he is very much of my type, and if he wanted it we could have boned right there in some restaurant bathroom. He was Wolfirine and he had the muscle to be one too. But Havior told me that he was straight. Ok he was pretty manly, but he just looked gay. I can't explain it, he wasn't feminine or anything but he just had the gay vibe, and pretty strong too. But they both assured me that he was straight. Oh well, what a waste piece of meat. Hester was dancing with Jeremy for a while and we were taking a lot of pictures. It was pretty cool to see all these people in characters. It felt great because people were just happy, and they were just people, there were no boundries like gays, straights, or whatever else. I liked it, it felt very cozy, almost like a home-like feeling to it.

We then walked around, and Javior spotted an Italian twink. He looked so young that I thought he was at this illegal age. But he was a 19 pre-med student. I didn't think he was all that cute, but when Havior hit it off with him really well, I felt the sudden urge to compete. I dont know, I know i am stupid.... anyway, meanwhile Michelle and I kept talking. We talked a lot of stuff. I teased her that Hester was so cute but all she could do was to watch lol, I know that is mean and I will probably burn in hell, but it was so obvious haha. But then we also talked about how people were so cute and how there weren't cute girls for her etc. How she missed JC, and how it was fun to see all these.

It is very different talking to Michelle. She is older, and she is gay, so the understanding and connection between me and Michelle are very different from my other friends. It is homo-different. It is beyond just a type of friendship. It is a recognition. I seriously think all gay people have this connection. It is really a recognition of a lifestyle. We are minorities and on some level, especialy for closet people, meeting another gay friend who you can connect with is like finding a cult that you feel you belong to whole heartedly. It is really different from being a friend with, Hester, or Greg or whoever. When straight people dominate the world, we gays are so repressed that we are almost not allowed to talk about same sex topics in the public, I mean topics like who they think it is hot etc. because other people would think it is so gross and nasty. Consdiering this, I think we should at least have a night to talk about our things like gays are hot etc in a parade in West Hollywood. I really believe that we at least deserve this much. But Hester doesn't understand this, and maybe other straight people don't understand this, and I do not know why that is so hard to understand. If people say they just can't understand this, then I think they are just extremely arrogant and selfish. But again, I guess I can't really blame Hester for her behavior because I think I for one spoil her.

Hester is a very pretty girl with a good personality, and she doesn't have a lot of attitude and demands. So I really think she is an ideal girl to hang out or date. So most of the time, I wouldn't mind what she does. Being late, cancelling plans on last minutes etc. I really don't think she does these casually without consideration and if it happens, then she must have no choice. All the social activities we had together have been great. There was no drama-my #1 enemy, and there was no attitude-my #2 enemy. But from day one, I just have always been expecting a day that she would pull one of these two things. And tonight was the night. Because Michelle and I were talking about all these gay stuff and sometimes commented on how pretty she was, Hester felt neglected. People would probably feel neglect if they were in Hester's position. But she really shouldn't be. First of all, whenever we hang out, she is always the center anyway, and second even when we have our little gay talks, we always throw in some nice comments about her, so she was never being neglected. In addition, she was busy working the scene - dancing with Jeremy, taking pictures with interesting dresed-up people and just random cute guys. She was having such a good time, we really didn't feel like to interrupt. So we were having our little conversation. Hester would occasionally turn around say "what are you talking about" in her 10 seconds break from all the activities she was engaging, and then she would go back to whatever she was doing again. But toward the very end, she suddenly got all serious and mad about it. She thought, from my understanding, that she was either being left out of the converstaion or the converstaion was about her all the time, and she didn't want us talk behind her back. I think either way, it was just bizarre, and it was even more outrageous she got all pissy about it toward the end. I mean how could she. I am like treating her like a good friend and a little funny sister whereas Michelle is taking care of her like a guardian, like a mom, especially that night when she was drunk. The one night that we were talking about some gay stuff AND she was busy with all those pictures etc, she got mad at me? That is just insane. Besides, whenever she needed attention from any of us, we turned our attention right to her immediately. I am sorry but I just don't believe she had any right to be mad. I was even more angry toward the end when I remembered that since she really wanted to go clubbing in Shag, I even offered to drop her off to her friends in Hollywood and pick her up later when she is done with partying. And now she is all pissy about we didn't devote our 100% conversation to her. She must be fucking kidding me. This reminded me of KIKI immediately. This is so typical of Kiki back then. The only difference is that they would treat the same situation with different approach. Kiki would just get lost with some guys and we won't be able to find her and getting all left out and worried, and she would come back later with the guy's number and possibly semen and ready to go home whether you are ready or not. Hester is just pissy and using a more subtle and cute approach. Nevertheless, it is the same shit. I was pretty disappointed and pissed too. More importantly, I feel ridiculous that I even told her that our converstaion wasn't about her or anything that would interest her so she should just have fun and stop being paranoid. But she wouldn't believe me. We love her and care about her and all, but we do have a life and possibly a different conversation that probably won't evolve around her.

So the night ended in a sour note. I was really having fun though because I saw hope for myself. I am getting more comfortable with this public gay thing by the minute and just really absorbing the information. But the night had to end like this. It is really really disapointing and I can't believe this happened involving Hester. I also can't believe her approach was to not talking to any of us and walked really fast ahead of us without stopping. It bugged the shit out of me and that just made me extremely angry. So we didn't talk at all on the way back, and I am definitely not gonna apologize at all. Not even the kind of sorry you say to people just to break the ice. I've done nothing wrong and she had no right to pull this crap at all. Yes I treated her well, and I never got mad at her, So I can't blame her for pushing the limit. But I am mad nevertheless.

Now I am tired and hungry. I really need to sleep now..

The Abbey

Last night was interesting. Due to Michelle's constant encouragement, I decided to go to the Abbey, a very popular gay venue in West Hollywood. I mean, I can't be shy all the time and I have to go out there and start to get into the scene. The unique part for me is that my whole coming out experience is all messed up, at least I think it is. For others, it is like they realize they are gay, so they expose it right away, you know, like the flaming queens back in highschool. They were so out, that people didn't quite know what to do with them.Or, they hide, like a lot of people, they come out in college due to their raging hormone. So they will have their tear sessions, acceptance sessions from new gay friends and old good friends, and rejecting sessions from shallow friends. After all these thematic events, they then will start going out to gay parties, clubs, bars, or gay school organizations, and start to date, fuck, whatever. But for me, I still haven't quite come out yet. The only people know about me are Michelle, Hester, and Kevin. Haha, interesting, before I counted, I somehow felt that I came out to a lot o people, but only three :<.... Anyway, so I am not really out, and definitely don't look gay at all, but I am already fucking The Designer. The Designer is so nice to me that I feel almost as if I have this safety net that will catch me if I don't survive in the gay world. So now, I am not out, having this thing going on with The Designer, and haven't been to the gay area at all. I think it is pretty messed up. So last night, I was determined to check it out to see how it is like in West Hollywood.

I had a lot of expectations before I went. I was thinking, everyone would be so good looking, and people would be so nice etc. I got that right, people were good looking, and a lot of them were so cute. But somehow, I was STILL AFRAID to even look at them. What the fuck is wrong with me?!! By the time Michelle drove us to Abbey, I started to have a panic attack. I was breathing faster and faster, and felt really uncomfortable. I felt so exposed and at the same time I somehow believed that if I don't get hooked up or something, I would be considered a failure. YEah, a homo who failed at being a homo. With all these thoughts swirling aroudn my head, we ventured into Abbey. Before we went in, Michelle told me that this place is a restaurant/bar/lounge/club. So I really thought it was an outdoor White Lotus with extra areas. But the whole thing is a like a ginormous club because the loud music is everywhere. I then started to feel the panic again, stomach started to churn, and eyes wandering aimlessly. I didn't know what to think and how to act. The out and proud freedom confused me. I saw some huge drag queens, they were quite scary imo. Hester actually went to take pictures with them haha. It was pretty funny. So we were taking pictures with the drag queens (we as in Michelle and HEster, and I was taking the pciture), and then there were about 10 people crowd standing next to me. They were pretty cute, but I couldn't just look at them for some reason. However, I think one of them saw me, and probably saw all my anxiety and insecurity, so he started to talk to his friends in that little crowd, and more people looked at my direction, and they started to laugh. OMG it's never been more embarrassing. What were they laughing about? My dumbfound expression? or my more than obvious awkwardness? Maybe they think I am ugly? I didn't know what to think but hurried up Hester and we went to some other areas in Abbey.

Eventually we sat down to eat. Michelle btw is also gay, that is why we were there. I felt that it was only safe to go with her since she was like a know-it-all homoworld tour guide. So the whole night I was clinging on her as if I would die otherwise. While we were eating, there was a group standing on a 2-3 inch platform area next to us, and the girl complimented on Hester's angel wings she wore that night. And then they started to talk, and that girl also grabbed her guy friend and introduced him as David. She then said, isn't he hot? and he is straight too! So Hester started to chat with him non-stop. I was thinking, you've got to be kidding me, in a gay club, she still managed to snag a piece of the action, whereas I am sitting there just eating. I felt like such a loser. Most importantly, I felt like I let Michelle down. She was so excited and everything and she has done this kinda favor, you know, bring the fresh meat to the market, for many gays. I was probably the worst one in her experience. People probably won't even notice me if I were used as a Holloween prop. So due to all these crazy thoughts, the best action I thought available was to keep drinking. So kept drinking anything that was there on the table and got quite buzzed toward the end. Because of Michelle's project fanatical finish on Wednsday, I was still dead tired last night, it was so much to just even smile. Therefore, after all these drinks, I was non-stop yawning. I was thinking, good job, you idiot, you never looked hotter in your life. But I coudlnt' help it, and kept yawning the night away. Michelle on the other hand, is not much better off either. She went to Mexico due to another school project and she just came back with 7 hours os sleep in her pocket for the past 2 days. So she just sat there yawning too. LOL.....

Eventually, Hester got really wasted and was ready to go. She was so cute when she was drunk. Especially last night, she was very very wasted. Her actions became random and quite theatrical. By the time we made it back to Michelle's apartment, we all just crashed on her bed. Hester wanted to puke but couldn't, and poor Michelle had to take care of her. It must so hard for her considering she'd been having a huge crush on Hester. I was laying there, spinning and thiking and takling about I probably should blow her male roomate to feel better. I took off my shirt and half naked and sandwiched Michelle. It was pretty funny though....

Then we all passed out. Around 5:00am we woke up because Hester has to be home; her parents don't approve overnights at stranger's house. She is 23 already but whatever...

Overall I was just glad I did this, and felt really bad for Michelle. I felt like I let her down in some ways. Also, I am so confused because when we go to a straight setting parties etc, I am ok. But somehow in a gay club I am like a dumbass. However, when I really thought about my straight part experiences, which are a lot, I realized that the only reason I was fine and rolling around all over the place is because wasn't intersted talking to girls. But in a gay club I should talk to guys and suddenly found myself 100% inexperienced. This is such a virgin territory that it scares me a lot. What if I will never know how to act in this kind of environment? Maybe I am just a very boring person who doesn't know how to initiate a conversation with strangers in a club. Sigh...quite frankly I realy do not know how to think about the experiences last night. It is just a huge pile of confusion.

Sergio is back from NY today, I will probably meet up with him, and talk about this with him.

IHOP

I haven't written much at all. Being lazy again. A lot of stuff is going on, it is hard to write them all down. Two weeks ago, Hester, Michelle and I went to IHOP around 3:00am in the morning on Sunday. We were ordering breakfast. Hester wanted a combo from the senior menu. Of course, she is not a senior and cannot order that combo. But I thought that should be fine, just order the combo at a regular price. That moment reminded a commercial on the radio. I heard this commercial several times on KIISFM. Here is how the story went: a guy went to a breakfast place and wanted two eggs with paste salsa on it, and the waitress got confused because she didn't know what that combo was on the menu. So she asked him if it were Grand Slam etc. When she didn't get the answer she wanted, she apologized for being new and asked her supervisor. The supervisor sounded fat and continued to question the guy about which combo exactly it was on the menu. Ok, the reason that I mentioned this story is because everytime I hear this commercial, I always have a stupid grin because these ladies are so dumb. I liked it because I never thought it was true. Otherwise it is just sad. However, I was wrong. When our waitress came over ask ed us what we wanted, Hester told her order. The waitress said that she cannot order sernior menu item for her. So I said that just give her the items in that combo and charge us regular price. She said that she coudlnt' because it wasn't a combo. So I said if we could just have two eggs with sausage and bacon, and she asked me which combo it was. I was just dumbfound because I really cannot believe people are actually like this in real life. Don't want to be mean or anything, but I really didn't feel bad anymore for her even she had to work at this crappy restaurant in this godforsaken hour....

People are interesting

Being gay and being a woman are the same since they both tend to disappear after 42?

I just read this quote online. Thinking about it more makes me a bit unease. This sounds kinda true. What if I don't find a partner or get married to a woman by then? Just imagine the life by then. People around you are all married with kids. What would I have? People say coming out helps a gay man. I don't find it true. I just came out to one of my good friend. She is very accepting and we talked about it for a long time on the beach of Santa Monica. There were tears and hugs. I was relieved. But at the same time, I felt that nothing really changed. Coming out to friends and family won't do much imo. I can't come out to my family but that doesn't matter much in my case. I never thought I would tell them anyway. But what if I come out to all my friends? would that suddenly be all ok? I don't think so. What makes a real difference in my life is how I feel about being gay and if I truly become true to myself, then I won't care about how other people think about me. If I dont live a gay life, it is never a true coming out for me. Coming out to friends is not coming out.

It's so late and I am tired. Tired of work, being gay, and I am afraid of disappearing from the world. I think the saddest thing can happen to one is to feel unwanted by anyone...man Justin Timberlake's CD sounds so sad. Too many songs that are a bit too blue. bah I am ranting again.

Bah...

I am waiting for the email from the guy that I am trying to hook up. We exchanged pictures and first he said I had hot body, and today I sent more pics he hasn't replied, I guess my face is not hot enough for him then. I am so sad now....This is so pathetic.... I guess this is what it does to people when they don't have sex for a long long time. I sometimes think that I spend way too much time having parties and hanging out with friends. I should have tried to hook up more. Sigh living in the closet will limit my social life and sex life. When can I find the BALANCE?? story of my life....

24th Day

He is such a hottie; looks so dreamy all the time. But aside from being dreamy and sweet, Scott is a very good actor. My first impression of him is still from the teen drama Felicity. He mastered dreaminess in that film. I actually kinda followed it for a season.

Anyway, today I watched this independent film "The 24th Day" by Tony Piccirillo. The film digs into the AIDS epidemic on a personal scale. By introducing the unsettling encounter of Dan (James Marsden) and Tom (Scott Speedman), the film gradually unfolds Tom's devasted life affected by AIDS. The whole story revealed itself piece by piece as Dan and Tom's conversation went on in Tom's home. There were also flashbacks that filled in the blanks and gradually explained what happened prior to their encounter. Dan was a good looking guy who slept around quite frequently, whereas Tom was a troubled closet married gay man who had an one night stand five years before they met again. Tom just found out that he and his wife were infected by AIDS and it was his wife who tested first because of swallon glands. She was completely devasted and had a fatal car accident subsequent to her diagnosis. Tom came from a very small town and had constrained lifestyle when he was growing up. His marriage and his career were genuine but at the same time they were also forced to him in a way. His homosexuality was suppressed. When his wife was killed in the accident, he felt completely responsible for the whole situation, so he followed Dan for couple days and eventually met him in a bar and took Dan back to his home. Dan of course was pretty quite on the business and using his charms to get into his pants. Dan appeared to be confident and very sure of himself. But Tom on the other hand, kept asking him about truth and his past. Dan's answer to that was always a sure respond. For example, when Tom asked him if he was safe, he always said " safe, very safe." The same applied to all other questions such as how many guys he had been with and whether or not he had AIDS. Dan was playing along in the beginning and didn't become aware of the situation till he realized that Tom has locked the door. After a bit of struggle, Tom tied Dan up on his chair and started a two day ordeal. Tom thought that Dan needed to pay for what he had done to him and his life, so he took a blood sample from Dan and sent it to a lab. Tom promised Dan freedom if the test is negative, however, if it came out positive, Tom then would "slit his throat". The story then unfolds as they engaged in conversations.

The film really focused on character development and each piece of infomation served that sole purpose. There was no wasteful moments thoroughout the film, and character's emotional development was natural and the acting made them seem very realistic. For example, Dan had never given up on escapes and Tom's reaction to that, though essentially the same, were different. In the beginning Tom was enraged for the fact that Dan felt nothing to other people, and continued to sleep around without protection because for Dan, it was other people's choice. But when things settled down, Tom felt miserable, sad and lonely. Most of all though, Tom felt guity. The tremendous guilty that he knew he couldn't enforce it on anyone else drove him crazy. the emotional struggle and devastation of killing his own wife were well portrayed. At one point, he got very drunk and became so emotional that he started crying on Dan's shoulder. at the same time, as Dan tried to comfort Tom, he still tried to steal the keys that laid on the table.

At the end, there is a bit twist to it that made the film beleiveable. It showed a lot of compassion and sarrow in the whole situation and made me think just how many more of Dan and Tom out there.

It is a very good film, but it is not listed in Sccott's official filmbiography. I guess it is b ecause of its subject matter. Although today's world is filled with homos, the world still is not embracing them as a human condition. the irony.

The aging effect

I already expected it, but I never thought that it would have been like this. I still remember when I just started at USC, I was pretty desperate to fit in. I didn't live at school, though school's dorm condition wasn't necessarily the best out there, I still wished that I could have lived at school. So I decided to try out a fraternity. First night, I got extremely drunk, and puked all over in my car, and then I proceeded to puke 7 more hours. My mouth was leaking blood toward early morning. That didn't stop me, The frat looked good. It wasn't a big one but enough for my taste and the pledge class wasn't too small either. So I continued to get drunk every night. I didn't really enjoy it though. I really didn't know what I was doing, I just thought that if I kept hanging in there, I would be part of something. But then the pledge class got small for people started to drop out thoroughout the semester. Eventually, I dropped out too. It was a bit devastating for me. After all that, I still didn't become a part of something that has a sense of heritage to it (other than the school itself of course). It's been a long time since I dropped out then, but the memory of people puking everywhere was pretty vivid.

On Friday, my friend Hester and I were doing party hopping. The plan sounded fantastic. We were going to stop by at Sunset in Hollywood for a house party. This guy named Peter, an Irish actor student met us at a club called The Day After. I really didn't remember how he looked like anymore but apparently he liked Hester very much and they had a friendship/pending relationship kinda thing going on lately. All his friends were actor students. When we got there, the party didn't really start because their landlord told them if they party that night, he would call the police. So we just sat there and chatted. One side note, I have to mention that there was this one very cute and easy going guy named Joey. His bicepts were so hot and his composure was just very down to earth. He got some black hair under his armpit. I thought that was very macho and hot lol... I liked that guy. So I was talking to him most of the time. Of course he was totally straight and his girlfriend was his roomate. Anyway, music was playing but no dancing or whatever. We were chilling. I didn't think I could really call that a party per se, but then it felt like one. There was a keg, and other liquors were everywhere. People were definitely drinking and laughing. It was chill.

After that we headed to a frat party around USC. The promoter was the frat's event organizer and he had a class with Hester and just wanted to date her desperately. But Hester had no feeling for him, so another just friend kinda thing going on. It was a decent size party, Probably 150~200 people were present and dancing and drinking. Four years ago, I would have felt a bit uneasy. Actually I still did, but it was different. The similarity was that I didn't feel fit. Four years ago, it might be the urge to impress people in the frat or drink or chasing tails what not that made me feel a bit annoyed. But today, I just suddenly felt that they were so god damn young, too young actually. I saw this one freshmen mentally passed out long ago, but was holding on the arm of a dirty old sofa that was put outdoors next to a tree. The acid and achohol came like streams out of his mouth. "It wouldn't even be good for the plants" I thought. He looked so wasted. I have seen plenty drunk people, but "wasted" was the most appropriate on this guy. Because we were a bit more "special", we went upstairs of a house, and it was suddenly all quiet and clean. The promoter, named Kevin opened a bottle of martini and started to mix drinks. There was also a huge bowl of jello. It felt so funny somehow. I felt like I was 19 again. It was also sad, because I wished it were true. But I am 23 and there, that was just kinda weird. Hester didn't like this kind of crowd either. We are older now, and we do like to go to a bit more mature environment in whcih we can dance but not that many drunks around.

This whole experience is a bit unsettling to me. The first party feels alright, and the second is alright too. But I know for a fact that my style is moving toward the first one. Of course there is nothing wrong with that, but then I still feel very depressed at the fact that I am becoming old at such a fast pace. Two years ago, I would still loved this party for what it could offer, but now I just feel it is a bit too much unnecessary excess of everything to have "fun". I really want to stay young, and the difference between me and a 19 year old, not just the obvious appearance differences, but also the mentality differences are very evident and they are the last things that I want on me. Oh well, at least I am still an intern and have 1 more semester to go... So that still makes young right? haha

Painful distractions are better?

When I was little, I always thought that friendship is the most wonderful thing in the world. It is pure, simple, and extremely comforting in all circumstances. Back in elementary school, every fall semester was like a rebirth, and my old friends were there to ease me in this new old environment, and reduce some of the birth shocks. lol. ah... good times.

But things are much more complicated when people grow up which doesn't make sense. People are so busy as it is: work, social life, professional life outside of work, relationships, and family, etc. These are the inevitables. Friendship should be like a haven where people can finally be a bit silly, careless, and true to everyone. The last thing I would imagine is to have drama and complications in friendships. But I guess people need a different kind of pain, or complication rather, to subside other complications. It is funny because this reminds me of how doctor gave me shots on my ass when I was little. They would slap one buttcheek while they firmly insert the needle into the other one. Because of the initiate shock of being slapped on the ass, and the pain distracted me from feeling the searing pain of the needle. And when I finally calmed down, the needle pain was no longer so bad to begin with.

It works, and I guess this technique is not from an experienced doctor's medical trick book, but rather, a human nature. When everything is throwing at a person, stuff like work, social life, professional life, and family etc, we need something stronger to distract us. Drama, pain, and complication is probably the best. Despite I am really an optimistic person, comedy is not a good distraction for real problems. You see, people laugh, the harder they laugh, the harder it hits them when the laughter is gone...

Are sex and relationship complete two different entities nowadays?

It was an interesting Saturday night. Kiki called me and wanted to go out. Tonight's theme, according to her is fancy and chill. She wanted to go out a lounge, or a bar type of place and dress up like she is gonig to a club but instead to just "chill".

Kiki is some character. IMO, her deprivation of parental guidance and love in her teenage year fused her uncontrollable lust for attention and affection, regardless it is genuine or superfacial. Apple for apple, i guess... her friends are just the same in that department. Supposely, there is one girl who is a friend of hers, have slept with 90 guys at age of 22... That is the besides the point. The point is that Kiki is in denial. She doesn't think that she is thirsty for affection and it got so bad that she is pretty much just whoring around. That is her lifestyle, and I never tell her to do anything different because she enjoys it. But, every now and then, I am just amazed how crazy she gets, and how messed up her friends are.

Kiki just got dumped by a 30 year old white guy named David who supposely was very serious with her, and of course kiki treated him like another boy toy. But this time the only difference is that unlike her previous flings, this guy was nice and serious and dumped her when she din't play the game with right rules. She was deepenly sadden... of course, that is according to her as well, she told us that she was deeply saddened.... But tonight, she is happy. She found a temporary replacement named Richie or Ricky.. this guy has a weird tongue that pronouces his own name differently everytime I ask about his name.

Kiki called me around 9:30 and asked me where we should go. My hair stylist's client owns a lounge/bar called "Bodega wine bar" which just opened up its second venue in Santa Monica. So I was thinking, why not that place. So I contact kiki and her friends and told them where to go and how to get there. By 10:30, I arrived at Paseo Plaza. Kiki is late as always. In fact, she was still driving to Bodega around that time. So I started to get to know her friend Sharon and Sergio. Sharon, who I have already known from a day at the beach and a nightout in a club, so it was easy to start talking and joking around again. Her friend Sergio is a bit Mexican and Italian. Kinda cute, but not my type, he is a bit too creamy and model wannable. He had this crazy hair on his big head, like the feathers on a cock. We started talking and drinking, and then we decided that this place sucks. Personally, I am pretty chill when it comes to places to drink or whatever, but that night Bodega even bored me a bit because the crowd was so old. So we went to Yard House which is about 50 feet away and drank there.

Kiki eventually made it around 12:30 and as soon as she arrived we decided to go back to her place for a house party again. I really hoped that I can see Tanner again, or the white chick I kinda dig. But none of those two shoed up, so we were dancing to bunch oldschool rock music in their apt. I was having fun regardless. A llot of the guys in that room seem to be gay, but nowdays, you can never tell, there are too many gentle-man out there.

I really was tired and wanted to leave, but kiki insited me on staying longer. I wish I didn't... Because around 3:00am , the drunken Sharon felt horny and decided to bone her co-worker Sergio and asked Kiki for her room. KiKi of course is in heaven for hooking people up and bone in front her. Seriously, I sometimes see life source sparkles in her eyes when she is trying to make someone fuck others. For her it is a master plan in the making. I forgot to mentino Sharon is married at age 21 for 3.5 years. Her husband named Eddy is about 26 now and they looked very happy together. They all go to separated parties here and there, and Sharon is always crazy in the club and grinding on other people in front of Eddyw cho doesn't seem to mind at all. I really admired them in the beginning because I think it is har dto hold a relationship as it is and they can forge this strong bond and have this much trust and faith in each other is so awesome. I thought Kiki would learn some from this. But I was all wrong. Sharon and Eddie either fuck their own respective sex-buddies or Sharon is just cheating on him. What kinda disgusted me was that Sharon didn't even try to hide it from anywhere.

It makes me wonder, what is going on with people nowadays, do sex even mean anything. I guess everyone has their wild side. Sure I would probably try to fuck around if timing is right, but wouldn't it make a difference if the people involved are MARRIED?

Kiki just called, and she told me not to tell anyone and they didn't do anything. Yeah right...."trust" is a myth, it was never meant to be in people's real life.

A quiet Friday

It is Friday again. I ended up staying home this Friday. It feels kinda strange. I dont like being home, because it gives me a feeling of settling down. I like my life to be busy and spinning with excitement at all times. Comparing this Friday to last weekend, it is almost as if I lived in two lives. Last weekend was my Bday celebration. Because another frined of mine had her bday 2 days prior to mine, so we decided to celebrate the bday together at San Clemente beach. The plan was to have a bonfire... That was the plan till we found out that the bonfire pits at San Clemete beach were all occupied. These people who lived in the neighborhood went out that day around 5~6am to secure those pits. So my friends and I ended up at the beach without a pit and settled in the dark toward the end. It was a nightmare. Different groups of friends didn't get along, and people were pissed off left and right. My closest friend DoDo was espectially pissed because she planned the whole thing and home-made a cake for me. She was disappointed and so was I. But I couldn't leave because it was my party. At last, I ended up at friend's house and had a crazy party. 12 tequila patron shots later, I found a very happy place.

Yesterday, which was my actual bday, I went to DoDo's home to eat the cake, and she was still pissed by then, and accused me for the whole mess. I was shocked and disappointed because I did everything in my power to please everyone. I even wished that it wasn't my bday party so that I could just leave this whole mess. To make the situation worse, her brother who used to be my best friend, just got dumped by his gfriend right before his bday. So I invited him to the party and proposed that we should all celebrate together so that he could feel better. I did all this basically based on DoDo's request to treat her brother nice since it was his down time. And this guy, as spoiled as he's always been, gave me attitude for not preparing the whole thing better and he didn't have fun. I could care less, because he still thinks that I am this closest friend to him whereas I am already at a very different place.

While I was having my cake, she said that I should just gone home and not having fun that night. Some best friend I thought. In my heart I knew she didn't mean it like that, but it just sounded so horrible. Her reason to be still pissed is that her brother didn't have fun either. Why should I give a shit, considering I was the brother for her when her real brother was never there. So I left immediately right after the cake and felt shitty and upset the whole day today. I tried to ask her out to talk about it, but she was busy...

She just called and told me she was busy. So I dont know, I will probably just forget about it. But for her brother, I can't believe I have taken so much crap from this self-obssessed idiot over all these years.

Today is Friday, friends are scattered all over the places hanging out, I am home though...feeling a bit down.

Now, all I can think about is this a guy named Tanner who I met at the party last week. He studies at the Fashion Instution in downtown LA, which is not too far from my school. He has this super smooth white skin and very nice smile. Goofy and nice dancer.. ah... one of my female friends had a crush on him too I believe.. lol because this afternoon while we were having coffee at Starbucks, she talked about him multiple times. He also has this artistic styled hair. He was so cute and sweet, very nice built too. We were on a shot-taking binge, and I kept hugging him lol....we were having a great time, and I had a good touch of his whole body. YUM!! but I don't think he is gay and even he is I am still in the closet, I don't think it'd be possible. There were two other gay guys at the party too, John and Eric I think... they were grinding and kissing. since everyone esle was their friends they didn't care. It was actually very sweet because I felt so accepted somehow... Man... I was gonna come out to Dodo on that day, but I guess it is just not meant to be. Why being gay is so hard, I deserve that some special one too... When is that day going to come. I 'd be content if either 1. I have a gf so that at least I can have a picture-perfect life in front of my friends and family or 2. have a secret bf so that I will be really happy.

Boring Friday, slow night....moving along, let's see what happens tomorrow.

Blogging..

I have been reading some of the blogs out there. I used to read them and then make fun of those who blog. I laugh, not because other people's life stories are funny, but because IMO blogging is such an ironic product. People walk away from those who love and care about them, and turn to Internet and share their life stories with strangers who don't really give a crap. At least that is how I used to think about blogging. But recently, I think blogging is very necessary, it is such a healthy outlet. I can rant, confide, and even confess at this anonymous space where no one sees, listens, or cares about whatever that I am gonna write about. I should have turned to blogging a long time ago. After all, people disappoint, an empty space does not.