A quiet Friday

It is Friday again. I ended up staying home this Friday. It feels kinda strange. I dont like being home, because it gives me a feeling of settling down. I like my life to be busy and spinning with excitement at all times. Comparing this Friday to last weekend, it is almost as if I lived in two lives. Last weekend was my Bday celebration. Because another frined of mine had her bday 2 days prior to mine, so we decided to celebrate the bday together at San Clemente beach. The plan was to have a bonfire... That was the plan till we found out that the bonfire pits at San Clemete beach were all occupied. These people who lived in the neighborhood went out that day around 5~6am to secure those pits. So my friends and I ended up at the beach without a pit and settled in the dark toward the end. It was a nightmare. Different groups of friends didn't get along, and people were pissed off left and right. My closest friend DoDo was espectially pissed because she planned the whole thing and home-made a cake for me. She was disappointed and so was I. But I couldn't leave because it was my party. At last, I ended up at friend's house and had a crazy party. 12 tequila patron shots later, I found a very happy place.

Yesterday, which was my actual bday, I went to DoDo's home to eat the cake, and she was still pissed by then, and accused me for the whole mess. I was shocked and disappointed because I did everything in my power to please everyone. I even wished that it wasn't my bday party so that I could just leave this whole mess. To make the situation worse, her brother who used to be my best friend, just got dumped by his gfriend right before his bday. So I invited him to the party and proposed that we should all celebrate together so that he could feel better. I did all this basically based on DoDo's request to treat her brother nice since it was his down time. And this guy, as spoiled as he's always been, gave me attitude for not preparing the whole thing better and he didn't have fun. I could care less, because he still thinks that I am this closest friend to him whereas I am already at a very different place.

While I was having my cake, she said that I should just gone home and not having fun that night. Some best friend I thought. In my heart I knew she didn't mean it like that, but it just sounded so horrible. Her reason to be still pissed is that her brother didn't have fun either. Why should I give a shit, considering I was the brother for her when her real brother was never there. So I left immediately right after the cake and felt shitty and upset the whole day today. I tried to ask her out to talk about it, but she was busy...

She just called and told me she was busy. So I dont know, I will probably just forget about it. But for her brother, I can't believe I have taken so much crap from this self-obssessed idiot over all these years.

Today is Friday, friends are scattered all over the places hanging out, I am home though...feeling a bit down.

Now, all I can think about is this a guy named Tanner who I met at the party last week. He studies at the Fashion Instution in downtown LA, which is not too far from my school. He has this super smooth white skin and very nice smile. Goofy and nice dancer.. ah... one of my female friends had a crush on him too I believe.. lol because this afternoon while we were having coffee at Starbucks, she talked about him multiple times. He also has this artistic styled hair. He was so cute and sweet, very nice built too. We were on a shot-taking binge, and I kept hugging him lol....we were having a great time, and I had a good touch of his whole body. YUM!! but I don't think he is gay and even he is I am still in the closet, I don't think it'd be possible. There were two other gay guys at the party too, John and Eric I think... they were grinding and kissing. since everyone esle was their friends they didn't care. It was actually very sweet because I felt so accepted somehow... Man... I was gonna come out to Dodo on that day, but I guess it is just not meant to be. Why being gay is so hard, I deserve that some special one too... When is that day going to come. I 'd be content if either 1. I have a gf so that at least I can have a picture-perfect life in front of my friends and family or 2. have a secret bf so that I will be really happy.

Boring Friday, slow night....moving along, let's see what happens tomorrow.