Monday, November 13, 2006

A drunken mess

I dont normally get drunk because I know that I can't hold my liquor well when I take shots, the only way I know how to drink. I usually try my best to not to drink too much in the public because I know it is just not a good picture to look at. But last Saturday was different, it was the USC football homecoming game. Michele was going to the game for the first time. Despite the fact that USC screwed their students for this semester with the disgusting seat shortage (8k student seats are reduced to 4k AFTER spirit season tickets are sold out, classy), and we were pretty sure that we weren't gonna get the tickets, we still decided to get drunk and go support. Hester brought a brand new bottle of Tequila Patron. It was the larger package too. We didn't waste anytime. With our determination, we finished the bottle in about 1 hour, and the rest just went from a happy time to a drunken blur and then all I knew was that the whole situation turned very ugly. I even thought to myself, "I will regret this, ha ha ha." But it was too late.

Now I reflect on what has happened, and I don't really know what happened. Before even when I was extremely drunk, I haven't been this relentless and this brutally intrusive. I wrestled a guy to the floor and all I could think about was how good it would feel if he could fuck me. He was clearly straight and his friends who were also Michele's new found friends were pretty shocked. Hester passed out but had sudden spurs of energy which transformed into different displays of her remaining life source. She would suddenly ran and swirl and then fall like a dead leaf. We then screamed, ran, and passed out more on campus near Tommy Trojan. I know that I kissed a lot of people, people who were probably more happy if they were left alone. But I dont know what it was that just kept fueling me to do all these crazy things. It is more than achohol.

Eventually we ended up back to Michele's place. I hardly remembered how we went back. I felt bad that she had to stay to make sure that we were ok. I know it is highly immature and definitely not something that I do on purpose, but I really do enjoy being taken care of. I think it is Peter Pan syndrome, or maybe because I have no siblings. Being taken care of feels good. But of course I would always return this kind of favor in some other way. I need to snap out of this phase, it is getting old fast. I am afterall 23 already.

That was the night. The second day, I spent the whole day hanging out with Dodonna. She is going back to Taiwan for vacation pretty soon. She bought me two really nice shirts for Christmas sicne she is not gonna be here around that time. So we decided to shop for her present. I ended buying her a pair of Juicy flats and a eyeliner thingy with 5 different colors. She was really happy. It is so cute when she is happy. I dont know, I really wished that she was my real sister, then I could open up even more and give her more love. I know it sounds strange that you have to "give" love; it sounds so material and superfacial, but I think realistically speaking, love is given, it doesn't just happen so naturally and romantically. It is never ideal. Anyway, she was buying some Xmas tree decor items for her co-workers and managers. The sheer amount of different combinations of colors and patterns of globes totally consumed her. So I just started to check out people. I saw this guy. Very clean, with sandles on, which are my favorite thing since they show feet, and I think guys with clean and bare feet are so fucking hot. He was older than I was for sure, a bit gay vibe but still masculine. I dont know I think he is the boyfriend type. So I just kept staring back and later I just stared at him. Seriously, I got more excited than having sex in some way. This is like taboo lol...I am like totally checking out a guy in a public area. It is a bit more than I could handle. It is thrilling and fun like a hide and seek. I am sure he noticed that I was checking him out and he did look back at my direction. But there was nothing, I dont think there was connection or anything since he didn't smile or make more eye contact. I couldn't talk to him either since Dodonna is still clueless about my sexuality.

But that made me think. I think I am becoming more and more ruthless and brave. Coming out is definitely a process, it takes time. I feel like I am learning how to swim. I had the first diving-in and choked in water experience, and now I am just treading lightly in some shallow water that I can handle. It is a new found freedom. The more I explore in this realm, the less I care about what other people think I guess. That is why I openly "molested" that guy on campus, thanks to the extra push from achohol. I feel bad for him though. I messaged him today on facebook and later added him to my friend's list. Hehe, hopefully he would accept. He is pretty cute, also boyfriend type. I dont know, the whole weekend was pretty fun till I started to get sobered up. The more sober I got, the more embarrassed I felt, and I think I could have introduced myself as a gay dude on our campus more graciously than that...

But anyway, USC won the game vs Oregon, and because of the fallout of bunch other schools, we are ranked at #3 again. We will have a good shot at the title game again. This is a bit insane. What if it really happens? That would be a truly glorious come back. Let's hope it happens.

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