Wow... this could be fatal

Ok, I think my mom just accidentally outted me to my dad and my dad has been mad at my mom regarding business stuff. So now I am not even sure what he is mad about at this moment. He didnt come home till now and he is on his way. He didn't talk much which makes it all that more creepy. I am seriously worried about my safety and my mom's safety. What if he stabs all of us to death and burn the house down? And my stupid mom, she loved my conversation with her regarding gay issue so much that she copy/pasted it from MSN messager and sent a copy of the transcript to herself. Of course my mom and dad use the same email account and he read it.

He then asked my mom about the conversation. Even though all my talking was in English, but my mom typed in Chinese and made it pretty obvious that we were talking about me. So he asked my mom "what exactly was this conversation about? Is there anything between you and him?"

I have no idea waht I should do right now. I was worried if he commits suicide just now because he didn't come home now I think he will probably go for homicide instead. It is kinda sad that I think my dad is capable of this but I really think he is.

I really don't need this right now. This is truly fucked up.


--- update,

now he walked looking very depressed. I didn't look up because i didn't want to make eye contact and my heart is beating very fast. It's been such a long time that I somehow lost all my courage and confidence in front of him. He walked straight to the bathroom and took out some underwear that I put there to dry and tossed them on the chair. He locked door and started blowing his nose 3 times. I wonder if he is crying. Then my mom came back and we started talking a bit about what we should do. Then suddenly we hear the shower.

I am so freaking nervous rright now it is feels surreal.

Shower just stopped and I am carefully listening to the sound coming from the bathroom. Silence...

I just went downstairs to calm my mom because she is rambling about how careless now. I am like god freaking calm down apparently you are being careless as right now. What if he comes down and hears you right now. She is losing it.

Came back up stairs and I can hear hair blowdrier. Hmmm All this sounds so creepy. I feel it is too calm. The daily routine suddenly feels like a final preparation before execution. God I hope today just passes as if nothing happened. But who am I kidding, my mom said that he was reading a DICTIONARY when she arrived at the office. I think he is also shaving right now... omfg...

He came out looking all sad and having a blank stare. He went to his room and locked the door. Now my mom is asking him to open the door and he said he is going to sleep. But he refuses. Sigh wtf is going on. She is asking him to eat and he said leave him alone.

It is over. He knows.

HNT - 4

AS you can see, there is still a lot of work need to be done. But I think my chest is a bit bigger than this since this was taken about 1-2 months ago. God I am so exhausted lately for some reason. I fell asleep at an intersection yesterday right after I was off 110 in Pasadena. This can't be healthy -_-....

------

Received a very random and annoying phone call.

This was actually my fault. 

Two weeks ago I went to the D&G store in South Coast and purchased a soccer t-shirt. Slim fit and good color. the material is very comfortable. So as soon as I tried it on, I liked it.  They were also having a 40% off sales for some reason. I thought, ok 120 bucks for a collar tshirt is a bit far fetched concept but with 40% off that is manageable. After paying I realized this item was apparently inevitably not included in the sale. W/e I paid and left feeling not so great about it. I mean I still love the shirt and I wore it 3 times already so that depreciated it to about 80 bucks on the current value now. But most importantly, the lady, presumably an old Italian, made a very bad impression on me.  She couldn't really speak English all that well and did false advertisement in my opinion and she appeared to be very greedy and superficial. Compared to the other Italian woman who convinced me to buy that 200 bucks bottle of cologne, she was had no sales skill whatsoever.  Even though the cologne lady had this hooker purple lipstick on and her boobs were literally dancing half way out of her dress, I still found her to be exotic and nice toward the end. Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, I call talent.

Anyways, I got a phone call yesterday at lunch and the number wasn't showing. I have been thinking about my career moves lately so for some stupid reason I thought it might be a recruiter. Ha yeah I know, delusional right? I am a no body and why would recruiter just drop jobs on me this randomly. But that logic totally didn't work at that time, so I happily picked up strange phone call.

"Heelow, Daveeed? Ahm #!@#!#!@ cailoing frah !@#!~~(, weeee goat fortee !#! and woodah leek you !@#!@)"

"hmmm, who is this?"

"xxxxxx (still couldn't make it out), Am cailing from Dolce & Gabanna, we have 40% off, would you like to come in."

oh bitch....

"ah... sure.. how long does the "sale" last?"

"thru the 18th."

"oh then maybe I will go on the 17th (don't really want to go)."

"You should come in this week because then you will have a better selection."

"hmmm ok I guess. sure."

"I am xxxx, and I will be here from 12 to 8pm."

"wow you stay there quite a while huh, ha ha ha, (please hang up bitch)"

"So what time are you coming in."

!!!!! This is no freaking job interview, you don't own me!

"ah.............. maybe later?"

"so how is 6pm"

"er sure....."

"alright david, I will see you at 6pm"

Why am I such a doormat...

----

I am going to write about my little date like fool around experience last Friday, which made me even sadder afterward.

Also I am hating my current fuck buddy, he is utterly useless. Never wants to fuck when I need it, what is the use to have a fuck buddy then. freaking A.

This hot thing just messaged me online and when I replied all he said was oh thanks for your comment. WTF.... So when I asked him what his plan was, he said party, and hopefully to fuck :-). then he left his email for me to trade pictures and said he's got to log off. 

Sigh... why my love life and sex life all kinda just suck...  I guess I am not physically attractive enough. It must be the reason. I wish I could grow a thick skin like lots gays and truly believe that they are the hottest shit in the world even though they are really just hottest shitty mess but still it seems to work. sigh.

Of course when I got some positive energy from this little exchange, I messaged one guy that came up from the top page and I thought was pretty decent. The outcome? silence. Sigh that is right. Story of my life.

HNT

Work has been kind of a drag but it is going and I am learning so that is good.  Feel a bit tired right now so I am not gonna blah blah blah for it is too much even for myself sometimes.  Here is my HNT picture yeay~~~ I did it on time this time. 

Such suckiness

I am trying to install a windows xp on my mac book pro.  I got Parallel and I got an authentic copy of windows xp home edition. What don't I have? THE FREAKING CDKEY. This is so frustrating. I often see that box/book laying around here and there and now when I finally need it, it is no where to be found.  I just want to cry now.... Anyone has a Windows XP home edition cdkey to spare~~~~

I also got Grand Theft Auto 4 today but I am in no mood of playing it yet since the stupid Windows won't install on my Apple aRRGAargg. technology is so freaking annoying. 

Exhausting weekend soup

I am so tired that I skipped gym today. Skipping Monday gym is like skipping church for a faithful religious person for me. But I am just really not feeling it today.

---

Last Friday marked the end of my second week of over time working schedule and I was absolutely exhausted. Had a quarrel with my fuck buddy during the day which kinda pissed me off a little bit. But I was really horny so I asked him if he wanted to meet up after work. He said he would call me @ 7. 

I went home and dwelt into a coma right away. It wasn't even sleeping. It was just a big blur. I think I went home passed out almost immediately on my bed and managed to wake up around 8pm to question the possibility of fucking with the fuck buddy, then went back to sleep again. 

By the time I finally woke up it was 1030pm. It was a 4 hours long nap. I felt a light headache but remained quite alert for the rest of the night. 

It was rather boring night especially for a Friday.

---

Saturday was my day of shopping. I went to South Coast Plaza with my friend Dodo. We shopped and laughed throughout the day. Saw a lot of cute guys and purchased some good clothes. I spent about 1k which felt like I just exhausted my bank account. I know it is really not much for a lot of people but I am poor so it was quite a spree for me. 

I bought a pair of light blue leather John Varvato's Converse, two Ted Baker shirts--one casual one formal, a D&G tshirt (this shit is 140 bucks and I was totally tricked by this old lady god I hate her!!), a Zara's vneck striped tshirt, and finally a NYC Bond #9 cologne.  

I swear you wouldn't know that we are going to a recession in this place. It seems like everyone was shopping their heart out, you know shop till you drop. It was fun, a bit surreal and a bit escapist.  

After the 6 hours shopping spree, we finally made it home around 830pm. Then I met up with K to see the new Harold and Kumar movie. It was stupid fun. Story wasn't as tightly choreographed as the first one and quoting one of the critics "chasing after freedom is just less funny than chasing after fast food." Indeed, no matter how much they tried to stonerfy the subtle patriotic messages, it was still preaching and awkward and felt out of place for a movie that was supposed to be just a stoner fun film. I had fun anyway... But I was definitely exhausted after seeing the movie. I felt like a goldfish out of the water bowl, a bit dizzy and a bit hallucinating. I definitely felt too old for this kinda chain of shenanigans. 

---

Passed out, seemed like forever, till 1200pm on Sunday. Got a call from K asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her, her bf and his roommate. After going through my plan of the day, which consisted of nothing, I said sure. 

We arrived Manhattan beach around 2pm and the weather was scolding hot. The water however, remained freezing. So when we were all sizzling with sweat, feeling crispy and weak, there was no where to cool down. Soon enough it turned into a little bit of an ordeal. K received her period the moment we arrived the beach and I was just a bit too dehydrated to move. Everyone flapped on the sand like beached whale. It was quite a desperate scene. The water was right there, shimmering with the sun's reflection, the waves were welcoming as always. But, only few brave ones dared to walk in. 

K and I moved under the bridge and started checking out guys.  The biggest difference between the hot ones and not so hot ones, at least at the moment held true, was their age. No matter how good you maintain your body, youth doesn't linger. No matter how young you feel inside, the energy from a 16 year old virginal boy will not bounce off a 35 year old hunk. The difference was sharp and I wondered where I fit in that picture. 

A little bit bored with the guy watching. I walked back to the car to drop down more coins. On the way back I ordered my diva starbucks drink. 

"Can I have an iced venti carmel macchiato, non fat, easy on the vanilla, easy on carmel, and easy on ice. "

The charismatic black barista happily read off my order when he finished preparing with a burst of laugh toward the end. I smiled back. It was a pretty cool moment I liked it.

Sun quietly headed to the horizon. Wind was still warm but cooling down. The heat has dissipated. Suddenly it felt so calm and so peaceful. It was finally the right moment for me to get active. I started playing smash ball and football.

Who knew that which foot you step forward first makes such a difference. Apparently, according to K's bf, I sometimes lead my throw with my right foot. I am right handed so it usually ended up with a great throw but not so impressive outcome. He said that for one I don't get enough momentum if I throw like that, second that is how girls throw. 

F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

But it did make a huge difference. I was soon throwing like a fake quarterback. 

We then played some more smashball. 

Time kinda creeps by faster when you are doing some fun. Bummer I know... It was 730 before I knew it. So I called the night and headed back home by myself since the rest of them wanted to go out and drink later. 

I met up with Dodo again for some tea and talked about random things like friendship and family. 

---

I feel that I have close female friends but not enough close male friends. 

I find this a bit hard to correct because my male friends are straight. They simple don't do tea drinking and talking about families and friendships. I mean they do but not as much I would like and we tend bond better with activities such as beach going, or snowboarding. Random chill out doesn't seem to work anymore. Especially nowadays everyone is getting engaged and I am the only single fag. What can I do right?

I think I am getting abit of that end of the month blue right now. I get blue mood whenever it is an end of some sort. You know the sunday blues, the end of the month blues, the end of the year blues (I think I am the only one who feels just a bit sad on Christmas and definitely depressed on new year, I mean literally another step toward the grave no? Ok I am usually much more sunshiny and positive than this but this is the end of month you know...)...

Anyways, I hope all yall had a great weekend. 

Here is the pic for last week's HNT lol.... overdue again.

Arrgg I don't like overtimes

I have been working overtime lately. Wednesday has hit the new low. I left work @ 10pm.  I am a little stressed involuntarily. I don't feel stressed but I guess my body is just reacting to the sudden change of the pace of things. You know how I know this? A pimple grew on the left cheek on my face. I mean I hardly grew any pimple when I grew up so this is definitely big. Also, I am too busy to jack off. I tried to squeeze in a bit porn here and there but when you aren't into it you just aren't into it. Arggg.

Work

Is work so important or it is simply for one's survival.

I think when work becomes a living entity that swallows you, then it is important because apparently it is destroying you. The trade off? I usually don't see the trade off at all. We on average live about 65 years in America. Given, we don't die from deadly disease, suffer depression and commit suicide, accidentally killed by car accidents, drowning, sharks..., murdered, and for some, die at birth. I mean it is already a lot of precondition to just live normally really. So much work to live as it is. Then why shred your soul further to just live?

I talked to a good friend from college yesterday online. Conversation wasn't too long but sincere nevertheless. Pleasantry quickly exchange and the rest was just important substance. 

"Hey how have you been!"

"omg L (you can tell this is me, I kinda say omg a lot.) I called you! Finally!"

"Yeah I am good."

"Work is getting better?"

"nope. I think I am suffering depression."

"hmm that is not a laughing matter and I don't think you are joking."

"yeah for the past two weeks, I finish work everyday @ 7am. I am so tired all the time."

"You know I really worry about you. Btw by all means, see a therapist immediately if you even suspect you are suffering depression. Nothing is worthwhile if you are going to endanger your health and life."

"I know, I probably will..."

"Have you thought about changing jobs? I mean we kinda often lose sight when we are put in a hyper competitive environment. It would seem that this is the only way and any other option would spell failure. It especially holds true for competitive people like you."

"Yeah i know... I am thinking about changing job in two years. So almost finished the first year, 1 year to go."

"Yeah just hold on to it and change it when you can."

"NY offices already started interview process."

"I am not sure NY is better for you, isn't that even more stressful?"

"oh I mean people working in NY offices are looking for another job already. Oh god no, if I go to NY, I would jump off a building pretty soon... D I am getting so fat... I try to squeeze in a workout here and there but never wake up on time.  I just feel like I am fucking up at work all the time too."

"Just relax on the workout now, what you need is to sleep whenever you can. You are killing yourself you know. I am sure you are doing a fine job. I worked with you and you've got it. We can be our toughest critics especially people like you. Relax won't be the end of the world."

"Yeah I know I try. When are you coming up and visit?"

"I don't want to because then you will have to spend time with me. Just sleep when you have free time. When you have a weekend off, come back here, we will go have korean bbq at that place again. We will have fun and rewind, promise :p"

"haha, I know I miss that. if you want to you can really come up and visit."

"sweety you need rest not guests! but if you really want me to go up there just call me. My schedule is way flexible than yours, so you let me know."

We talked a bit more about relationship and she told me I should go to San Francisco because there is a lot NICE gays up there and she would introduce me. Aww so sweet. 

I just think no matter how great the company is, this job is a scam. They abuse these new graduates like slaves in the name of competition and only a small amount of these people would make to the top and still healthy. 

50 million a year when you are 45 sounds great but then it is not really all that great if you are going to have strokes once every two years accompanied with extremely bad heart condition. Then what are we living for. There is only so much money can buy you know and I am not even talking about happiness. arggg.

---

On a lighter note, my sex on Sunday wasn't 100% and all but there was this one hot moment. His closet was covered by two piece of mirror. So when we were doing it, it was as if we were watching a home made porn. I was more into my position than the sex. I was looking at my body where was toned where needed more work. Was I flexible enough.... I have to say I was satisfied with myself. I already find peace that I will never have a model body then let's get the best out of the situation right? hahaha -_-'''....

The Sunday Blue

At least it is no longer sunday anxiety attack. I remember when I was like 7-10 years old, every Sunday night I would get anxiety attacks. I hated school and it just felt like a long road in hell that has no end. 

Now it is just blue because everything is so routine. Life goes through a factory that only produces repeated motions. It is just this close to feel like the robotic virtual reality that was created in Matrix. Gah........

You know Mariah Carey's new cd is growing on me a bit. But still, her amazing voice is at times quite an endurance exercise for my ears. I can only handle so much high pitched fierceness. 

Oh yeah I spent like 3 hours watching hip hop choreography on youtube and wishing my body is not a piece of log. 

---

Weekend kinda passed by unnoticed. I was supposed to go somewhere on Friday night but ended up chilling at home. 

On Saturday, I trained with my dear hot trainer in the morning and he killed my ass and legs. Then I got my much needed haircut. Spent 1 hour at a sunglasses store with my friend dodo ended up buying nothing, I wished I didn't have such giant head... nothing fits well. I wanted to buy a pair that is different from the one I am using, which is a pair of Prada one piece shield style. But all other styles aren't big enough... arg... We stuffed our faces with good food and then I went home waiting for my clubbing friends to call. But it turned out that they had contingent plans that they couldn't skip. Feeling lazy and a bit tired, I didn't want to stay up and wait till possibly as late as 1200 to head out to Weho. That would be just too much work for some dancing. 

To counsel to my damaged spirit, I started to listen to Kylie Minogue again. Only to find my spirit got damaged further because the music was so dance oriented -_-..

Went to fbuddy's place today. Hot actions whatnot.. but he went limp toward the end. That is a first... He's been always very hard and vigorous. Not today... Sigh... to accommodate his lack of passion, I had to help to finish the business and resulted a bad after taste of lube in my mouth. god... story of my life...  Stuffed my face again with Dodo today and I bought a cake for a friend of ours since it is his bday. 

Oh talking about awkwardness, Dodo's brother finally brought a girl home. Well this would be the second girl after he dumped his first long term gf since she cheated on him. His first girl after his breakup with the girlfriend was a hooker.... This one was at least a normal person. Dodo wouldn't mind. I mean everyone has to have sex; it is a normal demand. There was only one problem, that girl was a big moaner. Around 1:00am on Saturday, Dodo logged online and said,

"OMFG, OMGGGGGG!"

"what... sup, what is going on."

"you cannot believe what just happened. I am so fucking pissed. I have a COW in my house."

"hmm it is 1:00am what kinda shenanigans just happened? what cow..."

"my brother just called and asked me if I was going out, I mean it is 1200 why would I go out at this time you know. "

"dear god, he is bringing girls home."

"YEAH!!! and he told me just don't roam around the house. So I was like fine whatever, sex is normal. But guess what, about 5 mins later, I heard a cow! A COW!!"

"huh... you mean she moans very loudly?"

"you cannot believe it. It is so freaking loud. It is like she is turning into a beast in there. Sounded like a whore. So fucking gross. I do not need to hear this. So I slammed my door and they stopped. I thought that was that and got a bit relieved. 5 mins later they started again. She just won't stfu. Freaking moaning..."

"lol.... this is kinda funny actually... lol...."

"not funny, and I can hear the "clap clap clap" sound. SO FUCKING TWISTED. I don't want to know my brother is fucking a cow."

"god.. so harsh. hey at least he is good you know. and long lasting, it is all the good qualities, you should be proud."

"er.. enough said you aren't helping at all! argg."

Come on it is kinda funny right. lol... So today when we were stuffing our faces with curry chicken and soft bread, we talked about this again and laughed some more. ah so silly. 

---

Another week is over. Tens of thousands of gays just got blown, rimmed, fucked, drugged in palm springs. Another ecstatic orgy of loneliness. I wished I was there to be engulfed in that kind of mind fucking. But I actually wished more for an emotional harbor. Since the latter doesn't come easily, other indulgences appear to be more desirable at this moment...