Coming out to my mom - 2

Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.

So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.

My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.

"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.

I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."

"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"yeah..."
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"

By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.

"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."

She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.

It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.

"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"

Pause,

"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"

Silence.

"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."

Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.

Half jokingly, "are you gay?"

Silence
"ARE YOU?"

More tears.

Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"

"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.

She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"

Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,

"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.

I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.

She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"

I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.

She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"

She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.

All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.

"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."

She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.

"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."

"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."

She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.

Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.

Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.

"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."

"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."

She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"

"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."

Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.

But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.

Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.

"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."

"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."

For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.

This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.

Coming out to my mom - 1

I think I am as in shock as she is.

The coming out was totally unplanned, unscripted, and seemed to be unnecessary at the end. Again I am so in shock that I am not sure if I should feel regret about it or not yet.

The whole thing happened because of a fight. I had a big argument with my dad again regarding some very stupid problem and then I was just angry the whole night. In addition, I am turning 24 this Friday and I have always have this conflicted feeling toward birthdays. I think it is great that you are moving on, involuntarily, but at the same time it is so incredibly sad because life isn't giving you enough time to reflect and enjoy and in my case to plan my coming out. Everyday, on the back of my mind, I somehow think about how I am living in a lie to my parents and how incredibly stupid this whole situation is. For some conservative American families, this might be a big deal since being gay is never celebrated. But for my family it is beyond just moral and psychological disorders. Because I am the only child, I have also carried on their dreams, their hopes, and their drive for better lives since I was a kid. Being gay means destroying all these establishments mentally for my mom. I am so scared to even talk about gay issues with her not mentioning telling her that her very own son is also gay.

People always say mothers always know, even they deny it, they still got it down in the back of their minds. Well some people are wrong. My mother had absolutely no freaking clue so it made my whole night even more dramatic and difficult.

Anyways. After feeling blue for a while I decided to just go to bed. Somehow my tired mind and body decided not to hit the sack. My mind went wild while I laid still on my bed. First it was just how irrational my dad has become and how great if my dad were more understanding, logical, and supportive. Not just to me but also to the whole family. I think if there is a crisis, his demeanor would just make things even more intense for my mom. Then I just felt really bad for my mom. She's given up a lot for me here in America and she really has no agenda for me whatsoever. Unlike many other Chinese parents, she never made me do a thing that I didn't want to do. I don't like to be a doctor, ok fine don't study medicine; I think being a lawyer is boring, that is ok, don't study law, etc. She has just always been very supportive and all she wanted is to make me happy and grow up as a decent person. She is a very strong woman yet extremely emotional and sometimes irrational when her emotion takes over. So at times I think she would take the news well but then I felt that she would probably go insane and just completely lose it. I really don't know what to think and what to believe. Usually my brief coming out courage would be stopped right here when I think about her emotional strength. I just really don't wish anymore hardship and pain on her side. She is getting old and I just want her to be happy too. That is all I can ask for. I hope she can live happily for another twenty years, watching me getting a family and enjoying a couple grandchildren. That is really I want for her and I am sure she isn't asking for more. The simplicity of her hopes is even more taunting for me to do any coming out attempts because I feel that I cannot even satisfy her simplest wish in her life. Al these thoughts made me feel very frustrated at myself and at the situation. So eventually I started to imagine again. I am sure a lot of gay closet kids do this too. You imagine yourself brave enough to break the news and your parents would just come over and give you a huge hug, telling you that you are still their favorite son. No matter what happens you got a family that got your back. Isn't that a nice image to have? Every time I think about this I would feel just a little bit better because I know there is still hope, things might not be as bad as I think. Also for a brief moment I believe this image. I want it so bad that I can feel it and taste it. I always have a small smile to just think about how nice it'd be if my dream is true and how fearless I would become when my family really has my back. However, tonight, this imagery is playing tricks on me, it won't leave me alone. The well accepted coming out scene is played over and over and in each subsequent replay, my mom reacted to it better.

I really started to believe that it was possible to have this happy ending. I really thought that maybe my mom really does know for a long time that maybe she just doesn't know how to break the ice. Then I made a decision. I will plan a nice dinner probably at the end of this year and just ell her then. Whatever happens then I will have to deal with it, there is no running away anymore. However, I was so caught up in this master plan that I actually felt a bit pumped up. Now there is really no way that I can sleep anymore. So I just kept on thinking. After this brief triumphant moment, I started to think about how lonely and unhappy that I feel because of this situation. The future is always this dangerous area for and the approaching birthday is like a death alarm clock that goes off the same time every year warning me I have only so little time left before I come clean. Just in a blink of an eye, I became extremely depressed again. Then I heard it, my mom coming up stairs. I didn't really want to tell her anything tonight but somehow I just really wanted my mom to be around tonight so I said
"Can't sleep, wanna just come here and sit around me for a little bit? That will be nice you know."
Never to reject a chance to spend some time with her only son, she said
"of course".

Some quick bits

Life has been pretty peaceful lately. There is really no ups and downs. I am just chilling and taking the new found peace in my life piece by piece. Don't get me wrong, I am not 65 looking for wheelchair lifestyle, but it is just kinda nice to know certain things have been settled for good. The week passed by fairly fast because of work. I feel like that each day is composed of only three stale elements of one's life -- eat, sleep, work.

Anyways,

Job

Job has been ok. Team has been going through a big restructure so that I had nothing much to do the whole week. I think I printed out about 3000 pages of financial documents so far. Yes, isn't it exciting. It is as mind blowing for me as a nice wheel for a hamster. Despite the crunch work so far, I still find the position worthwhile. My boss seems to be nice at this moment and people are definitely professional. They don't do the fake friendly chit-chat. In addition, I can wear casual outfit and shorts and sandals on Fridays. So I guess that is a bit of a compensation for my pathetic pay. I am looking forward to this week because I really want to start doing something that is intellectually challenging and worth my freaking time.


Leisure

I went to a movie on Wednesday with a friend and we saw Rush Hour 3. It was the absolutely the worst movie I have seen in a long time. I have never been a fan of racial jokes and they didn't only fully exploited the beaten to death racial jokes but also invented bunch stupid racial/political jokes that seemed to be way too ignorant and preaching for its own good. The movie took itself way too seriously at times given the overall theme was ridiculous, implausible and unoriginal. In the beginning, I just felt it was such an unwise mistake that I decided to see this movie the first 20 mins. But then I just felt utterly stupid when the stupid people around me who appeared to be genuinely enjoying it. I could actually hear the gasp from the lady next to me "ah... oh... omg ganster". Where the fuck has she been? I don't know but she probably hasn't seen many movies lately. Who gasps "omg gangsters" when they see a movie...

Chris Tucker has the most annoying voice that I have ever heard and his physical comedy isn't funny at all. If I wanted to see stupid people who act like a turkey I would go see Jack Ass 2. Jackie Chan on the other hand is just too old. I mean he is like an old Chinchilla. He could barely kick anymore. One scene in the movie where he was supposed to descend a building to the streets then jump on multiple ledges to a freeway was so pathetically choreographed that Jackie Chan looked clumsy, frightened, and laughable. Clumsy because he did the sequence very slow and the scene clearly showed his stretched to the max physical ability when you can see the veins popping up on his head. Frightened because only god knows how many takes it took, he still looked at the next place to jump without ease. You could almost hear his inner self cussing like crazy for what he would do for money. Laughable because after you see Bourne Ultimatum you just feel so sorry for Jackie Chan and his character. It is like he is doing a Scary Movie style spoof of Bourne or something like that...

I can keep going on and on about their stupid accent, racial jokes, and anti war unsubtle messages. But I think you already got the idea.



Guys

This is the guy who I messaged first then returned me telling me that his body was mine for the taking and continued to flirt a bit. However, he flaked out later for no apparent reason. All my pictures are public so he saw me before his replied. I don't know what stopped his interest. Oh wellz, another flaky hookup, story of my life eh? I think I am gonna give myself another month before I venture out to WeHo again. I still need money haha and I need to get things done before I can enjoy myself fully. I think it is absolutely necessary for me now to just go out there and find what is mine. I don't want to deal with this flaky online hookup thing anymore and I think it is time to start a functional relationship.

Shopping

After chatting up with my mom last night, she decided to buy me a decent bday gift this time. So we went shopping today. She bought me a pair of New Balance running shoes and new pair of Prada sunglasses. I really love them. The shoes and glasses can be used right away and I really wanted them for a long time so it was so nice of her to buy them for me haha. I am thinking about buying her a LV or Gucci bag when her bday comes around. Ah parents, sometimes they really get on your nerve but you just can't stop loving them.

Friends

I am having this episode once again. I think I have too many female friends. I really think the gay part of me totally took the advantage of it and exploited it. Now I become the victim of my identity. Interestingly enough I made these friends before they knew I was gay so I guess they weren't my friends because they didn't feel threatened or anything. That is a good thing for me. But then as much as I appreciate and cherish any friendship that I managed to maintain - I am very picky in the friends department because I don't easily let people in on a personal level - I still feel that more dudes would be better. Yet I find it kinda hard to find mature guys who can really be comfortable with who I am. I read the post from Urban Insanity and I was so caught up in his fantastic stories that I neglected one of the most distinguishable and intriguing part for me -- his guys friends discuss guys with him. I realized this fact after I went back to his many other stories on different occasions. He could be just one of the guys who just happens to talk about guys. I mean I would never be that brave or comfortable even my friends who claim that they are cool with me being gay. I mean none of the guy friends I know know I am gay but even if they are cool with it I don't think they would be all that interested to talk about my guy problems or be able to understand and really engage in any meaningful conversation regarding this matter. On the contrary, the girls can so I guess subconsciously know that girls would be more accepting so I made more effort with them? On the other hand, I feel a bit out of place when it comes to new guy friends. Usually I can carry on a conversation regarding whatever, but when it comes to hardcore sports statistics I am like a mute. That seems to be what they all talk about anyway. It is unoffensive, bonding, and interesting for the dudes so why wouldn't they talk about it. Because of the neutral nature of sports talk, people prefer it over political social and economical topics which I am pretty interested in. But all those could be very offensive at times or people are just apathetic about them. So I kinda avoided just chilling with the guys unless we are doing something. Sitting there and just talking isn't my thing I guess. It is so complicated...

The reason I am going through this again is because my bday is coming up. I feel obligated to do something because my friends feel that I should do something. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean they are already thinking about it before you think about it and they are more interested than you are, doesn't that make you feel like a douche? I kinda do so I am pumping up my enthusiasm and planning something simple next weekend. Then I realized how out of proportion the genders of my friends are. I mean I can easily call up 8 girls at this moment and I can only think of about 4 guys that I feel really close to. That is kinda gay and I probably come out of the closet by default... Some other people are out of town so I don't know what I should do. Limit the female guests? Then what if they find out... Ah... I wish I were more of a guy's guy. I am really not that feminine on the outside but I guess there is a lot of my emotional traits that are very sensitive and feminine. This somehow kills me to even just think about it. It is even more painful to admit it. But truth is never pretty I guess.

Workout

I am back to my gym routine now. As a matter of fact, I have been pretty fucking dedicated. On Friday night, I was so tired from work that I had to pull over off the freeway to take a nap before I continued to drive. I was 2 miles away from my gym but I was too tired to even drive that little distance at that point. Despite this little unforeseen circumstance, I still managed to go to the gym and raped myself on the weights after I woke up 50 mins later in my car.

My trainer has been promoted to Tier3 now and his regular fee is 115 dollars/hour. My gym is 110 dollars/month. So if I train 2 times a week then that is gonna be almost 600/month on gym. I don't think I got that kinda money. Good news is that my trainer is also leaving the gym. I told him that I really like the client-trainer relationship and I am accustomed to his training routine, so how many more sessions I should order from him. He thought about it and told me to just get 12 sessions more. So 12 session receives 10% discount. I guess I can handle that. So hopefully he leaves the gym soon and I will cancel this god forsaken gym as well. Then I will just pay him about 60-70 for training each time and use the gym at work for 40/month. As we progress I will get less training as we go on. I don't know it sounds like a lot of money but I paid 1.8k for 4 months worth of training and it didn't feel such a financial hassle for me. So I guess I will continue that. I hope he won't jack up the price when he goes solo later and it'd nice if he can give me discount if I order 100 sessions at a time. lol... God I could buy a fucking BMW with that money. Talking about new cars, I am thinking about a BMW... I will see how my cash flow goes lol.

Yeah I am gonna go to bed now. It's late and I am doing summer alternative hours which means I will go early everyday and leave on my regular time so that I can have Friday half day off. Isn't that great! But too bad that this week is the last week of this program for the summer =/...

Anyways ciao~~

Now this is fucking scary.

Love line

106.7fm here in LA is the rock station. Kroq, self proclaimed world famous. I take their words for it haha.

It is a solid station even though I really hate some of their selections on the radio. Anyways, the best program is their Love Line with Dr. Drew and Stryker. Stryker is absolutely fantastic and funny. He sounds very cute and animated, definitely a guy's guy. Dr. Drew is just very professional and oh yeah he has sexy voice.

The program is very crazy because people all over the country calls in to their program and ask questions regarding sex and relationships. It is funny to listen to some of the questions such as "I came so hard that I had a migraine, but now it is gone, so should i be worried about it? Maybe I just pulled a muscle in my brain." REALLY!! He probably does have muscle in his brain, hence the no brain interpretation. But on the other hand, it is so horrific and gut wrenching at times because the callers who apparently have serious mental, social, or sexual diseases or disorders that they need immediate help and yet they sound so helpless and doomed on the phone.

For example, tonight has been a tough night. Dr. Drew has been bombarded with series of unfortunate people who happen to have very serious problems. One of the callers was 19 and dating her college professor who is 60 and she was so emotionally messed up by the situation that she had to call in to seek for solutions. Even then she felt as if she owed this professor something by talking about it. Dr. Drew got heated and blasted the professor for exploiting the most fundamental trust there is and told her to rant him out or at least seek confidential psychiatrist.

Another caller called in regarding her boyfriend who happens to have no balls. He is 6ft tall and a nice dick according to her. But he has high voices and no balls.

Another female caller called in to ask what is going on with her when she enjoys the idea of necrophilia.

A guy called in to seek for help because his bipolar step sister who tried to hump him at age of 12 when he was 14. Also he was sexually exploited at 6 or y when he was in foster home.

A girl called in because her husband is addicted to World of Warcraft and proceeded to have cyber sex with another online player and when he was confronted he took a bottle of muscle relaxer in attempt of suicide.

What a wonderful world we are living in. I only feel for the doctor because even though he appeared to be helping people, which he is actually doing, but at the same time I think his emotion and mental strength, or at least his peaceful mind has been exercised and stretched in a night like this. I know he is a professional doctor and all but I think you can only take in so many tragic calls and try to get some advice that probably won't help the desperate caller at all.

Anyway I just want to show some love to this show. Awesome awesome show.

Omg can't sleep

It is 1:40am in the morning and I am wide awake.

I will have to get up in 5 hours and 20 mins yet I am not even sleepy. I don't know why. Yes tomorrow is my orientation day but I am not even particularly nervous or excited. Work is work right. I guess the 3 or 4 am bedtime habit finally comes around and bites me in the ass. Even though today I was kinda tired during the day, smoked hookah at night, and felt ready for bed when I came home around 12:00, I am not totally awake.

Just read J.R.'s update on his parties and my past party times flashed back to me. Different people different places and different experiences all took the center stage of my mind. It is chaotic random and very distracting. Every 10 mins or so my mind would tell me that I should probably stop thinking about it and just sleep. But that kinda message usually quickly gets drowned in all those other chaotic mixtures in my mind. Also within the mix, a lot of balls and dicks randomly popping up in my mind too. God I guess that makes me gay.

Just go away already!!! I need to sleep. haha I am gonna make a GREAT first day impression with my well aged black circles under my eyes. yeappyyy....

I knew I should have got some pot to smoke instead of hookah tonight. I would be passed out by now fo sho! darn it.

A grave mistake

I like gmail. The user's interface is simple and clean. Most importantly I only have stuff that I actually need in my mailbox. That changed forever.

One day I was reading some game reviews on gamespot.com and I saw a small ad that reads "win a free ps3 today!" I don't know what came over me I somehow clicked it. It didn't make sense to me now because I already own a ps3 I didn't know why would I want another one. Plus, you instinct would just scream noooo scam!!! But nope I clicked it and started to fill out the "win a ps3" information form. Every step prompts me to accept some sort of other kinds of services such as free cruise, good life insurance, cheap magazine, low mortgage loan etc. I denied on after another. The free ps3 campaign kept reminding me that I was almost there. I mean a sane person would stop by now but somehow I just got so hang up on the process. I wasn't even into the ps3 then. All I thought about was I am going to complete you shithead form. I never completed it. The spam of ads and "you are almost there" message became a loop. So eventually I gave up.

Now I have 1050 spam emails in my junk folder. At least it didn't destroy my inbox but much to my dismay my gmail never looks the same anymore. Plus I can't even go to junk mail folder to check if there is any useful emails that are accidentally blocked. Argg... I hate aggressive marketing. Death to the spams and those telemarketers as well!

A phone call

It was from MSTP Bound. He just got off lab at 4:ooam in Baltimore. We talked about some random shit and this was after we talked for a while on msn. From this conversation I got to know this outstanding individual a little bit better and also I learned what Pink Collar is. Haha let's all be pink collar and be on top of the world then.

We talked bunch stuff, you know, health care since he is going to be a doctor and professional's social responsibility and all this started how we should choose our mate as a gay man haha. It is always interesting to see how a conversation starts and where it ends. I have to say that I am a bit inspired because this dude is so outstanding. I, too, have a dream and I think I am not doing too bad either. But it is still a long way to go and I guess my best strategy is to move forward with my best effort. I will be a businessman and in the business world the possibility is endless. I don't want my life to be measured by a pathetic # that I earned throughout my life. That is just so sad. But I guess I will have to start somewhere. hehe.

Well I can really elaborate more on our conversation and write a 10 pages essays on it. But I choose not to. I am trying to keep this blog less snobby and less patronizing. I mean seriously when you go around and read blogs who the fuck read someone's musings about illegal immigrants when this author is white and rich. Yeah I don't want my blog to be something like that. So keep the politics the least here I guess. But I do want to mention it is because you go through your life and get inspired constantly (I hope you do), and I think that is how we become better. Inspiration is a healthy way to be competitive I think. When you are inspired you tend to accomplish a lot to fulfill your intrinsic value. MSTP is definitely an inspiration and I only hope that one day we could all become as successful as we are and lead the world as the pink collars.

Awkward...

Today, I went to the beach! Alone! First time ever. I don't know I guess I need to start doing stuff on my own a lot more often. Everyone in my life now works during the day and I have a few precious days left till I too become a corporate rat. So I can't just sit around and wait till I find someone to go out with me during the day.

I slept very late last night, god damn these Ninetendo DS. I was playing the new Super Mario on it. lol~~~ I know I am stupid. Anyways, I slept at 4:30am and woke up around 12. Still feeling groggy and tired I somehow got ready to go to the beach fairly fast. Once I got there it was 2:00pm which was on my schedule. Rented a boogie board as usual and headed down the beach. It was such a nice day today. Strong waves, decent wind and no clouds. This allowed me to enjoy the beach to the fullest. Since I left in a hurry I didn't eat so I bought McDonald on the way. However, I just didn't feel really hungry so I went down played for 30 mins and came back for my burger. It was delicious. I don't know. I usually hate McDonald. But I guess the relaxing afternoon, a nice beach day, and how I enjoy the beach alone made everything taste better. haha. There were four girls sunbathing next to me. Two Asian chicks and two white chicks, and they apparently weren't from here. They had accent and seemed to all struggle with English a bit. So it was kinda funny watching one of the Asian chicks tried to communicate with the white chicks. It worked of course but it was almost like with the assistance of sign language and their intuition. A lot of times you can see they use smiles as placeholder. It was good, at least they smile when they got stuck instead of piss or curse or some unpleasant shit like that.

Meanwhile, a hunky blond showed up and sat not too far from the chicks. He had a washboard ab decorated with six bulging muscles and a super defined chest. I was totally stalking him under my sunglasses. He seemed to be looking at my way too. I was thinking omg maybe he is gay. But then soon realized that these four almost naked girls probably caught his attention before it even reached me. God stupid pussies. He was looking at the Asian chicks or me. I bet it was the Asian chicks since a lot of them are pretty loose in LA. Trust me I know. Anyways, I got bored at my own mind games so I looked around. There were... fat birds. I remembered this Ad of a car. It was a car talking to a seagull and the car asked what the bird liked, the bird said he liked the waves, the water and of course the fatty fries. Yeah I don't know how that related to cars but ad people are crazy nowadays anyway. So I was like I HAVE FRIES. So I started feeding the birds a bit. They all came over, cautiously taking a bite. I was like omg you pussies, why can't you be man enough about it and just take my food. I despise you! I silently declared that in my mind. Then I felt bad because it was bad enough that we are feeding humans like there is no tomorrow I should at least treat the birds better. I don't even eat the fries I shouldn't let them die from heart attacks. So I left my food under my shirt and put my cellphone in the bag, you know just to be discrete, and went in for the second round of wave catching!

When I came back, I couldn't find my McDonald bag anywhere. I totally panicked. I was like omfg you got to be kidding me. The one fucking time I showed up at the beach alone, I lost everything I had. Then I thought, it must have been the garbage man. God you stupid garbage man can't you just be slower at your job I don't think people will fire you for a McDonald bag laying around someone's belongings. Then feeling stupid, irritated, embarrassed and freaked out, I asked the girls regarding my stuff's whereabouts. The Asian chick was very nice. God I felt bad calling her a whore in my mind just because this dubious dude with six packs. I said sorry in my mind. She told me that oh, yeah, the birds. I was like WTF. The other girls were like yeah the birds ate your food and dragged everything away. I AM LIKE WTF COME AGAIN. First thing was how dare the fat birds! Eating two more fries they would probably get so fat that they lose their ability to fly permanently and they stole the whole freaking bag! Most importantly what did they do to my cellphone!! So as stupid as it sounded I asked the Asian chick, "do you happen to see my cellphone too". She was like oh yeah, it is right here. She pointed at a shiny object in the sand few feet away from my towel. I was really glad. Then I couldn't find my sunglasses!!! So I asked them again, this time none of them said anything except for looking at me weird. I was thinking god stupid bitches, would it hurt if you can just tell me one more thing instead of giving me that weird look. Then about 10 seconds later I realized that when I came back and saw no bags around, I already panicked and grabbed my sunglasses and clutched it in my hand only to forget about it once I talked to the girls. I FELT SO STUPID. Then I just laid quietly down and cried inside. That muscle dude kept looking this way. I was like omg if he was gay he was probably not gonna go fuck a stupid ass now.

So I went around gathered the aftermath of this fries stealing mayhem. I found that my large size drink was also gone. Bloody birds they do not leave anything behind!

I wonder if I am prone to embarrassing events.

Let me just quickly list a bunch, see if you can beat this!

1. First day at USC. Tired as fuck and I was really just walking and half sleeping at the same time. So I went into a bathroom only to see a girl face to face after I finished up. God stupid didn't I notice there was no urinal! She on the other hand just looked confused. Her face said a million things in 1 second... "omg freak." "is he in my school" "god i feel so dirty" "was he about to watch girls pee only to give up coz no one left" "oh maybe he is a manly girl haha" "maybe he has gender issues I should be nice god be nice, smile smile". And yes when I left she squeezed out a smile...

2. Got all ready for a party. Just showered, styled, hair gelled. Then somehow I just felt like to use some hairspray. I grabbed a bottle sprayed and only to find out that it was a bottle of bug killer RAID. I was just gonna go like that but then my scalp started to hurt so I stripped down naked and ran into the shower. I never knew I could strip that fast.

3. A closeted guy and I were fooling around. It was his first time ever doing anything with a guy. So I was blowing him enjoying the time. He then said let me try. So as soon as his mouth was near my dick, I pushed his head all the way down. HE almost puked from the gag right there on my belly. I was amused because it was funny but then he was embarrassed so he went soft. I was like oh a day in my life...

Nut job!

Well, stupid ESPN is taking all versions of this video off youtube. Watch it while you still can. It happened at xgame. This kid named Jake Brown fall from the super vertical for about 50 feet. HE slammed on the floor and his shoe exploded from the impact. He remained still for about 2 mins or so, then walked away from the stadium. People went nuts for his amazing physical ability. However, unfortunately that you can't see in this video, he looked dazed and confused while he was walking. He probably knew what has doing and that people were cheering at him but he probably didn't know what exactly was going on. I mean when you fall 50 ft and then walk away, it is hard to collect your thought I would assume. But the more important question is how the fuck did he walk away. eh... nuts

A new beginning or a new beginning?

What kinda new beginning would it be? I wonder. The future is the most uncertain and it is exciting yet scary. After this grueling recruiting for a month, I finally got an offer. It was good yet a bit disappointing. It is an entertainment behemoth so the name is great however they pay fairly low. I mean don't I wish that I got an I-banking job but that wasn't going to happen. So after thinking about it, I decided to take the offer regardless the pay. I mean I need to start somewhere, and hopefully I can build up a nice network and good reference in 3 years or less and jump to a better and even bigger place. I really want to do pure finance related work instead of accounting and I guess it is just not meant to be at this moment. Life never fulfills me perfectly and I guess this is the way going to be. So the first thing I have to do is to stop feeling disappointed when another friend of mine telling me that he is working in ibanking (just happened 5 mins ago and he is working in brazil atm. god damn ibanking everywhere, maybe i should go back to china and ibank!), second is to feel content and really work hard, third is to use my limited financial reward wisely.

Finally this chapter is over and a new one is going to start so you guys don't have to listen to my endless, monotoned, and boring rant over recruiting anymore. So i will replace that with same endless, monotoned, and boring rant over work hahaha. this one will probably last a long time! lol Just kidding! But I wonder if this is a new beginning for me to a billion dollar fortune, or this is a new beginning to a normal life that will eventually dies out in mediocracy. I am sure it is the 1st one! hahaha.

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I went to a birthday thing yesterday. It was nice but kinda lame at the same time. Food was ok. The friend that I went with pretty stayed with me the whole time since I didn't know anyone except for the person who invited us and we didn't really feel like to meet anyone either... let's just say they weren't our crowd. They had a small pool. Despite its size, it looked mighty tempting under the sun. But instead of jumping in without a swimsuit and make myself a fool, we just played "watch the water balloon" game we invited. A couple exploded over my head and we got wet regardless.

Afterward we went to see Bourne Ultimatum. I loved it! The fighting sequences were well designed shot and definitely thrilling to watch. I think people are too tired of explosions and gun shots and are really into this hand to hand, melee style hard combat. Though you think Jason Bourne should have been dead plenty times through all that explosion, collision and shots and it is a bit cheesy that he seemed to be indestructible. But it is a great movie if you can overlook that little problem! I highly recommend it! Go see it boys!

Weird people - 2

I was talking to VJ and this conversation reminded me of one strange guy that I met back then. It was just too strange.

Before I graduated I started to participate in this group called Urap. The group meets every Monday to discuss something social and gay. It was my only means to meet some gays. So toward the end, we had a celebration dinner and a lot of gays came out. There was this one freshmen gay dude who had curly hair and pitching voice. His skin was smooth and pale, like marble and he was petite and fragile. He were plaid pants paired with colorful sneakers. From afar, I couldn't tell if the person was a dude or a girl. I thought I would make better judgement when he was closer. But no luck there either since I still was confused by his whole package. I only found out that that was a dude till someone introduced his name.

Anyway it is not that strange. I mean there are transgenders, transexuals and all that in between. People can be the way they feel comfortable. It is not my business.

However, he later made the trip very uncomfortable in the car.

He was sitting next to me and we started to talk about music. He mentioned several 80s and 70s bands plus how the fashion style from those ages cycled back to today society. Whatever he was talking about I had absolutely no idea. Then he asked me what I listened to. I told him my preference then he asked "have you heard of xxxx band"? I am like no.... He said oh they were famous and they had some famous songs on the radio. I said oh really, maybe, I probably just don't know their names but have heard of their songs then. He said, yeah probably. Ok how about this, have you heard of this song? So he started to sing. His voice was as fragile as he looked and he was desperately controlling his pitch as it went higher and higher. After 5-6 versus, to which point i felt my hands started to sweat, I said, er... that was nice but no I haven't heard of it. He said oh... what about this one. He sang another song! His cracky voice sounded the same as the last only this one kinda reflected some sort of punky aggression which was lost in his translation. I got a bit nervous because apparently it was my initiative to talk to him started this freak show in the car and there were 3 other people who just remained silent. You could hear a pin drop if it were for the singing from this strange guy. He continued to sing another song. Luckily he was dropped off soon after that. I thought I was sure he was a dude, but once he started to sing it just confused me even more!

It was one of the most awkward trip in a car in my life and I felt quite like this owl!

Gay cute

Cute used to be positive. It describes a person as adorable, good looking, nice personality etc. It is just a pleasant adjective all around.

But I think the gay cute is definitely something different nowadays. I have talked to several gay bloggers (not like I talk to any straight bloggers but being gay I think makes a difference here), they all revealed that they have called people cute as a way of being nice. What they really meant was you aren't good looking but not fucking ugly either. Cute became a intermediate standard between pretty and fucking ugly. In worse cases, some people call others cute to actually say that they are ugly but still have a good personality. So you know, if you are being called cute, you aren't hot, you aren't good looking, you are just kinda ugly with a big heart.

I have yet to see straight people making this transition in calling people cute. It is pretty exclusive to gay men atm. How vicious! Dear lord, please, people! don't call me cute. That is the worst "compliment" a gay man can get nowadays. I think little by little, cute will just become a very vague term used as a placeholder. Basically when you say cute you are saying that you withhold your opinion, which consequently mean that you think that person is ugly.

So sad....

A lonely morning!

Sigh, a month never seems to pass by so fast.

My cousin's family finally left yesterday and it really felt like they have only been here for two weeks. I wish that they could have stayed longer, but alas don't we all wish for a lot of things that just don't go our way in our lives. At least, I can still hope that they come back soon. They should decide where they want to live rather soon. Within three months I would say.

This morning, I just didn't feel like waking up. When I finally did, it felt so quiet, hollow, and lonely. There was no 8 year old running around laughing, climbing, and calling me uncle anymore. The house went back to what it used to be. I guess change sometimes is really good.

--

This morning, the recruiter called me again to touch base. He didn't anything except to tell me to call him back. When I did, he told me that he would give me a final answer latest this Friday for sure now. I just don't feel too good about this constant push back. But it doesn't matter now, two more days I will have an answer. The person who referred IMed me today right after I talked to the recruiter by coincidence. She thought that this was a good thing since they did my reference check and background check. Let's hope she is right because I really just want to start working now.

--

I haven't worked out forever, and I know my muscle mass is declining. Even though I still can't see the big difference in the mirror yet, I can definitely feel it.

Life seems to be on hold before my job is settled. I need money for everything and I almost need that job to have motivation. This kind of uncertainty is just too daunting.

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There are many things that I think would make great blog entries. A lot of my thoughts and opinions were from my conversations with friends, bloggers and random people. However, I just felt a bit unnecessary and lazy to do the entries. My mind is still on my job and my family atm. I guess till things start to really change in essence, my blog will probably remain kinda boring and dry.