Such suckiness

I am trying to install a windows xp on my mac book pro.  I got Parallel and I got an authentic copy of windows xp home edition. What don't I have? THE FREAKING CDKEY. This is so frustrating. I often see that box/book laying around here and there and now when I finally need it, it is no where to be found.  I just want to cry now.... Anyone has a Windows XP home edition cdkey to spare~~~~

I also got Grand Theft Auto 4 today but I am in no mood of playing it yet since the stupid Windows won't install on my Apple aRRGAargg. technology is so freaking annoying. 

Exhausting weekend soup

I am so tired that I skipped gym today. Skipping Monday gym is like skipping church for a faithful religious person for me. But I am just really not feeling it today.

---

Last Friday marked the end of my second week of over time working schedule and I was absolutely exhausted. Had a quarrel with my fuck buddy during the day which kinda pissed me off a little bit. But I was really horny so I asked him if he wanted to meet up after work. He said he would call me @ 7. 

I went home and dwelt into a coma right away. It wasn't even sleeping. It was just a big blur. I think I went home passed out almost immediately on my bed and managed to wake up around 8pm to question the possibility of fucking with the fuck buddy, then went back to sleep again. 

By the time I finally woke up it was 1030pm. It was a 4 hours long nap. I felt a light headache but remained quite alert for the rest of the night. 

It was rather boring night especially for a Friday.

---

Saturday was my day of shopping. I went to South Coast Plaza with my friend Dodo. We shopped and laughed throughout the day. Saw a lot of cute guys and purchased some good clothes. I spent about 1k which felt like I just exhausted my bank account. I know it is really not much for a lot of people but I am poor so it was quite a spree for me. 

I bought a pair of light blue leather John Varvato's Converse, two Ted Baker shirts--one casual one formal, a D&G tshirt (this shit is 140 bucks and I was totally tricked by this old lady god I hate her!!), a Zara's vneck striped tshirt, and finally a NYC Bond #9 cologne.  

I swear you wouldn't know that we are going to a recession in this place. It seems like everyone was shopping their heart out, you know shop till you drop. It was fun, a bit surreal and a bit escapist.  

After the 6 hours shopping spree, we finally made it home around 830pm. Then I met up with K to see the new Harold and Kumar movie. It was stupid fun. Story wasn't as tightly choreographed as the first one and quoting one of the critics "chasing after freedom is just less funny than chasing after fast food." Indeed, no matter how much they tried to stonerfy the subtle patriotic messages, it was still preaching and awkward and felt out of place for a movie that was supposed to be just a stoner fun film. I had fun anyway... But I was definitely exhausted after seeing the movie. I felt like a goldfish out of the water bowl, a bit dizzy and a bit hallucinating. I definitely felt too old for this kinda chain of shenanigans. 

---

Passed out, seemed like forever, till 1200pm on Sunday. Got a call from K asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her, her bf and his roommate. After going through my plan of the day, which consisted of nothing, I said sure. 

We arrived Manhattan beach around 2pm and the weather was scolding hot. The water however, remained freezing. So when we were all sizzling with sweat, feeling crispy and weak, there was no where to cool down. Soon enough it turned into a little bit of an ordeal. K received her period the moment we arrived the beach and I was just a bit too dehydrated to move. Everyone flapped on the sand like beached whale. It was quite a desperate scene. The water was right there, shimmering with the sun's reflection, the waves were welcoming as always. But, only few brave ones dared to walk in. 

K and I moved under the bridge and started checking out guys.  The biggest difference between the hot ones and not so hot ones, at least at the moment held true, was their age. No matter how good you maintain your body, youth doesn't linger. No matter how young you feel inside, the energy from a 16 year old virginal boy will not bounce off a 35 year old hunk. The difference was sharp and I wondered where I fit in that picture. 

A little bit bored with the guy watching. I walked back to the car to drop down more coins. On the way back I ordered my diva starbucks drink. 

"Can I have an iced venti carmel macchiato, non fat, easy on the vanilla, easy on carmel, and easy on ice. "

The charismatic black barista happily read off my order when he finished preparing with a burst of laugh toward the end. I smiled back. It was a pretty cool moment I liked it.

Sun quietly headed to the horizon. Wind was still warm but cooling down. The heat has dissipated. Suddenly it felt so calm and so peaceful. It was finally the right moment for me to get active. I started playing smash ball and football.

Who knew that which foot you step forward first makes such a difference. Apparently, according to K's bf, I sometimes lead my throw with my right foot. I am right handed so it usually ended up with a great throw but not so impressive outcome. He said that for one I don't get enough momentum if I throw like that, second that is how girls throw. 

F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

But it did make a huge difference. I was soon throwing like a fake quarterback. 

We then played some more smashball. 

Time kinda creeps by faster when you are doing some fun. Bummer I know... It was 730 before I knew it. So I called the night and headed back home by myself since the rest of them wanted to go out and drink later. 

I met up with Dodo again for some tea and talked about random things like friendship and family. 

---

I feel that I have close female friends but not enough close male friends. 

I find this a bit hard to correct because my male friends are straight. They simple don't do tea drinking and talking about families and friendships. I mean they do but not as much I would like and we tend bond better with activities such as beach going, or snowboarding. Random chill out doesn't seem to work anymore. Especially nowadays everyone is getting engaged and I am the only single fag. What can I do right?

I think I am getting abit of that end of the month blue right now. I get blue mood whenever it is an end of some sort. You know the sunday blues, the end of the month blues, the end of the year blues (I think I am the only one who feels just a bit sad on Christmas and definitely depressed on new year, I mean literally another step toward the grave no? Ok I am usually much more sunshiny and positive than this but this is the end of month you know...)...

Anyways, I hope all yall had a great weekend. 

Here is the pic for last week's HNT lol.... overdue again.

Arrgg I don't like overtimes

I have been working overtime lately. Wednesday has hit the new low. I left work @ 10pm.  I am a little stressed involuntarily. I don't feel stressed but I guess my body is just reacting to the sudden change of the pace of things. You know how I know this? A pimple grew on the left cheek on my face. I mean I hardly grew any pimple when I grew up so this is definitely big. Also, I am too busy to jack off. I tried to squeeze in a bit porn here and there but when you aren't into it you just aren't into it. Arggg.

Work

Is work so important or it is simply for one's survival.

I think when work becomes a living entity that swallows you, then it is important because apparently it is destroying you. The trade off? I usually don't see the trade off at all. We on average live about 65 years in America. Given, we don't die from deadly disease, suffer depression and commit suicide, accidentally killed by car accidents, drowning, sharks..., murdered, and for some, die at birth. I mean it is already a lot of precondition to just live normally really. So much work to live as it is. Then why shred your soul further to just live?

I talked to a good friend from college yesterday online. Conversation wasn't too long but sincere nevertheless. Pleasantry quickly exchange and the rest was just important substance. 

"Hey how have you been!"

"omg L (you can tell this is me, I kinda say omg a lot.) I called you! Finally!"

"Yeah I am good."

"Work is getting better?"

"nope. I think I am suffering depression."

"hmm that is not a laughing matter and I don't think you are joking."

"yeah for the past two weeks, I finish work everyday @ 7am. I am so tired all the time."

"You know I really worry about you. Btw by all means, see a therapist immediately if you even suspect you are suffering depression. Nothing is worthwhile if you are going to endanger your health and life."

"I know, I probably will..."

"Have you thought about changing jobs? I mean we kinda often lose sight when we are put in a hyper competitive environment. It would seem that this is the only way and any other option would spell failure. It especially holds true for competitive people like you."

"Yeah i know... I am thinking about changing job in two years. So almost finished the first year, 1 year to go."

"Yeah just hold on to it and change it when you can."

"NY offices already started interview process."

"I am not sure NY is better for you, isn't that even more stressful?"

"oh I mean people working in NY offices are looking for another job already. Oh god no, if I go to NY, I would jump off a building pretty soon... D I am getting so fat... I try to squeeze in a workout here and there but never wake up on time.  I just feel like I am fucking up at work all the time too."

"Just relax on the workout now, what you need is to sleep whenever you can. You are killing yourself you know. I am sure you are doing a fine job. I worked with you and you've got it. We can be our toughest critics especially people like you. Relax won't be the end of the world."

"Yeah I know I try. When are you coming up and visit?"

"I don't want to because then you will have to spend time with me. Just sleep when you have free time. When you have a weekend off, come back here, we will go have korean bbq at that place again. We will have fun and rewind, promise :p"

"haha, I know I miss that. if you want to you can really come up and visit."

"sweety you need rest not guests! but if you really want me to go up there just call me. My schedule is way flexible than yours, so you let me know."

We talked a bit more about relationship and she told me I should go to San Francisco because there is a lot NICE gays up there and she would introduce me. Aww so sweet. 

I just think no matter how great the company is, this job is a scam. They abuse these new graduates like slaves in the name of competition and only a small amount of these people would make to the top and still healthy. 

50 million a year when you are 45 sounds great but then it is not really all that great if you are going to have strokes once every two years accompanied with extremely bad heart condition. Then what are we living for. There is only so much money can buy you know and I am not even talking about happiness. arggg.

---

On a lighter note, my sex on Sunday wasn't 100% and all but there was this one hot moment. His closet was covered by two piece of mirror. So when we were doing it, it was as if we were watching a home made porn. I was more into my position than the sex. I was looking at my body where was toned where needed more work. Was I flexible enough.... I have to say I was satisfied with myself. I already find peace that I will never have a model body then let's get the best out of the situation right? hahaha -_-'''....

The Sunday Blue

At least it is no longer sunday anxiety attack. I remember when I was like 7-10 years old, every Sunday night I would get anxiety attacks. I hated school and it just felt like a long road in hell that has no end. 

Now it is just blue because everything is so routine. Life goes through a factory that only produces repeated motions. It is just this close to feel like the robotic virtual reality that was created in Matrix. Gah........

You know Mariah Carey's new cd is growing on me a bit. But still, her amazing voice is at times quite an endurance exercise for my ears. I can only handle so much high pitched fierceness. 

Oh yeah I spent like 3 hours watching hip hop choreography on youtube and wishing my body is not a piece of log. 

---

Weekend kinda passed by unnoticed. I was supposed to go somewhere on Friday night but ended up chilling at home. 

On Saturday, I trained with my dear hot trainer in the morning and he killed my ass and legs. Then I got my much needed haircut. Spent 1 hour at a sunglasses store with my friend dodo ended up buying nothing, I wished I didn't have such giant head... nothing fits well. I wanted to buy a pair that is different from the one I am using, which is a pair of Prada one piece shield style. But all other styles aren't big enough... arg... We stuffed our faces with good food and then I went home waiting for my clubbing friends to call. But it turned out that they had contingent plans that they couldn't skip. Feeling lazy and a bit tired, I didn't want to stay up and wait till possibly as late as 1200 to head out to Weho. That would be just too much work for some dancing. 

To counsel to my damaged spirit, I started to listen to Kylie Minogue again. Only to find my spirit got damaged further because the music was so dance oriented -_-..

Went to fbuddy's place today. Hot actions whatnot.. but he went limp toward the end. That is a first... He's been always very hard and vigorous. Not today... Sigh... to accommodate his lack of passion, I had to help to finish the business and resulted a bad after taste of lube in my mouth. god... story of my life...  Stuffed my face again with Dodo today and I bought a cake for a friend of ours since it is his bday. 

Oh talking about awkwardness, Dodo's brother finally brought a girl home. Well this would be the second girl after he dumped his first long term gf since she cheated on him. His first girl after his breakup with the girlfriend was a hooker.... This one was at least a normal person. Dodo wouldn't mind. I mean everyone has to have sex; it is a normal demand. There was only one problem, that girl was a big moaner. Around 1:00am on Saturday, Dodo logged online and said,

"OMFG, OMGGGGGG!"

"what... sup, what is going on."

"you cannot believe what just happened. I am so fucking pissed. I have a COW in my house."

"hmm it is 1:00am what kinda shenanigans just happened? what cow..."

"my brother just called and asked me if I was going out, I mean it is 1200 why would I go out at this time you know. "

"dear god, he is bringing girls home."

"YEAH!!! and he told me just don't roam around the house. So I was like fine whatever, sex is normal. But guess what, about 5 mins later, I heard a cow! A COW!!"

"huh... you mean she moans very loudly?"

"you cannot believe it. It is so freaking loud. It is like she is turning into a beast in there. Sounded like a whore. So fucking gross. I do not need to hear this. So I slammed my door and they stopped. I thought that was that and got a bit relieved. 5 mins later they started again. She just won't stfu. Freaking moaning..."

"lol.... this is kinda funny actually... lol...."

"not funny, and I can hear the "clap clap clap" sound. SO FUCKING TWISTED. I don't want to know my brother is fucking a cow."

"god.. so harsh. hey at least he is good you know. and long lasting, it is all the good qualities, you should be proud."

"er.. enough said you aren't helping at all! argg."

Come on it is kinda funny right. lol... So today when we were stuffing our faces with curry chicken and soft bread, we talked about this again and laughed some more. ah so silly. 

---

Another week is over. Tens of thousands of gays just got blown, rimmed, fucked, drugged in palm springs. Another ecstatic orgy of loneliness. I wished I was there to be engulfed in that kind of mind fucking. But I actually wished more for an emotional harbor. Since the latter doesn't come easily, other indulgences appear to be more desirable at this moment...

Oh wow I am so in love with this song

Ok this post is getting longer and longer lol

In another music related event, I impulse shopped E=MC2 , the new Mariah Carey's album on itune. I have to say I am not all THAT impressed from the first round of listening. Maybe it would grow on me. I still like Bye Bye and Touch My Body the most. The gossip sites are reporting that this crazy bitch left fans who waited 8 hours in the cold. I saw her interview on Oprah from Redlasso too. She looks really nice but sometimes, you just want to ask, hmmm honey seriously?

Anywho~~~~ listen to some more kylie. I bought this song fro iTune too. lol~

Fuck requesting much?

I should be happy about it but I still don't. I think I should go to an ex-gay program because for chicks, since I am not sexually attracted to them all I see is inner beauty anyway lol~~~

One of the super hot guys I have been talking to a little bit just messaged me asking when I can have some fun with him. This is his pics

Hopefully he is not flaky.

--- 

Another guy is this 18 year old black dude who is 6'4", 210 lb, masc. Sounds like fun. But I am just not too attracted to black guys sigh...

I also just got another really hot guy's aim but haven't really done much talking yet.

---

All of this is afterall just all talking. I don't know. After last night's fiasco, I find myself still longing for a relationship. Why am I such a sucker who doesn't learn,. I should just fuck all of them and write them in my little black book, like trophies you know. But that is really not what I want the most. I mean I do want them lol~~~~

---

I also want to meet this guy who blew me off 2 weeks ago. The over sleeper. He was really kind and sweet last night for listening to my rant about how pissed I was.  I don't know what I should do. We do like same sort of things and we like to talk about culture and politics, which is cool. But because I was retarded so that now HE READS THIS BLOG, he pretty much knows exactly what is going on. Not only there is no mystery but also it is kinda embarrassing. Now if I do ask him to do something, then hey you, who is reading it now, I am just gonna talk to you directly, you would probably feel like you are picking up a piece of left over, which is not a healthy start for any kind of relationship, including even just mere friendship. So yeah I dont know what to do with you.

---

I SWEAR I am no where near dramatic in real life. I guess online is like a place for my bad side to come out. 

I am so PISSED and humiliated!!

Have you ever tried someone that you felt like you are dating DOWN, like lowering your bar, decreasing your standard a bit, being nice for once, trying the dating thing like a normal person, THEN your little experimental date looks up and tell you, hmmm this is not what I am looking for. Sorry...

There are just too many things that are so wrong in this scenario.

----

Mistake #1.

I asked his picture, and some of them looked ok and some of them looked hmmm average. I thought I would at least go to the date and see him, maybe he is not too photogenic. We had good conversations and great chemistry, so why not give this a try. I was getting really excited as you guys can tell.  I showed up to dinner and met him. Ok it was not about being photogenic. He did look almost exactly like how he did in pictures. But in reality, he looked fatter. A bit double chin going on and definitely didn't look like 180lbs. Ok I AM 180lbs with the same height, and I look slim and have proportions, 42" chest hello. 

I was a bit disappointed to be honest. But always a trooper, I thought to myself that he was a great guy, and we had nice conversations, so this should be really good.

During dinner, I got to look at him a bit more close up. I thought I really preferred to look at him further away. It was a bit of struggle. Physically I was not really attracted to him. But he had a nice voice, shy in a cute way and generally enjoying my company. We talked about our experiences what not and I was very open about what I wanted and what I liked. He seemed to agree with everything I said. There was no dull moment, he kept trying and was good at keeping the conversation light and interesting. He laughed a lot and smiled a lot and I was pretty sure he liked it. He paid the dinner, about 60 bucks with tips. Pretty generous too I thought. I was so glad that I took a risk because it seemed like that it was paying off.

For the first time ever, with a guy to whom I only had dating intentions, I found myself able to look beyond the physical facade. I liked the ease of conversation. Like I said before, he wasn't sarcastic, so I never heard anything such as "if you are fat you will never get laid, uh hmm." Yes, that is what I have heard in my past experience from my gay friends/acquaintances. 

I was happy. I wasn't shallow and I have been enjoying a REAL DATE. Like those fucking straight people have been doing for a decade since their puberty. 

I was taking a risk, first step to fly. 

One reason I found myself in only fucking type of relationship is that, as I blogged before, I am too afraid. If I don't see myself with someone who would have at least a potential to have a long term relationship, then I would not even try. Let's just fuck, no harm no foul. NO FEELINGS hurt for anyone.

Today, I was willing to take a risk, to let it all hang loose once, even though it was for someone who I knew wasn't the ideal person. But at least it was a start. 

It was that much determination, that much effort went through my head while I tried to keep the date going smoothly. 

when I finally made that decision, I found peace. I wasn't looking at his small double chin or anything. I too had a real date, not a date where you head straight to the bedroom where the 8inch felt so great and that 6 packs felt so hard. 

Mistake #2.

I was too honest. This is how I am. I talk about anything that is on my mind. I told him this since the start before we even talked. I talked about how I treat people with no agenda and I let them know what I think and what I want right away, especially in a situation like this! I did feel like I may have sounded a bit more relationship oriented because I kept saying hooking up without feelings is getting tiring. he AGREED. I wasn't sure what game he was playing but he agreed and gave his two cents as well.

So the date went on just fine and we bought pink berry and went back to his place.

Mistake #3

I was playing good. It wasn't really playing though. Because I was so determined to do this right. I told him I wasn't going to fuck on the first date. BTW HE NAMED THIS THING AS A DATE. So I went in. He was as nervous as ever and didn't really approach me. So I put my head on his lap god damn I thought that WAS CUTE? How stupid. 

We talked more. I then asked for some pictures of his past girlfriend. The only reason was actually for vanity. Even though he wasn't that hot for me but I wanted to see if he had a hot girlfriend. Then that would somehow justify my compromise? I know it was an ill logic but it worked for me at that time. I guess I was still seeking for some sort of reassurance of he really deserved my first date, the biggest step I have ever taken relationship wise. He said he didn't take any. So I was just sitting there waiting for him to make a move. We kept talking about pictures then he showed me this long series of pictures in his camera about his trip to Chile etc... All I was thinking, ok is he going to make a move or what. I could tell he was horny. His breathing was definitely heavier and he was extra nervous and his body was tense. He often didn't know where he should put his hands. 

So finally I was just pretty sick of his shy nature, I lied down and he came over sitting there looking over me. I put his hands on my chest. I asked him,

"why are you so nervous?"

"I don't know I am just nervous kinda."

I kept my eye contact with him all this time.

"this is your house. I was hoping you could be more confident and more demanding."

"yeah i don't know I just don't know what to do."

"is this what you do with your girlfriend?"

"no."

"then what is wrong."

"i am not sure it just feels different."

"I see, I guess you don't find me attractive?"

"no I really like how you are, I think you are hot."

All this time when we were talking, his hands finally became more encouraged and started to  tingle my thigh by moving his fingers along my legs. 

Then I don't remember how it was, it moved on to fucking subject yet again. I was saying how tired pure fucking could be. His hands stopped moving. I noticed but I didn't think it was a big deal.

"then i said, god, you are so reserved. this is your home and I am here ain't I?"

"alright then."

Finally a sense of confidence came over, and he started to unbutton me and started to caress my chest and my abs. 

"I like your body. Nice skin color."

"let me see yours."

I lifted his shirt, his flappy belly popped out.

I stopped trying to see more. I thought to myself, "ok no sex anyway. I guess after all I still can't be a saint. I do need to maintain certain physical standard and he is a bit overweight, etc etc etc. "

At this point, I was getting annoyed and became really demanding, this is how I am anyway. 

"hmmm alright, so this is all you are gonna do tonight?"

"ah, I don't know. I am not sure. This is different."

"hmm I don't feel like doing anything anymore." He said

He walked to his fridge, got a bottle of water and asked me if I wanted anything. 

I was laying there like WTF IS HAPPENING?

"er.. what is this?"

"I don't know. I think we are looking for very different things. You are demanding and you want more from this."

I was thinking, omg I am not a slut I already said there would be NO SEX, what did he mean I wanted more.

"er... no, remember I told you my pants are not coming off tonight."

"right, no fuck on the first date."

"see this is too much, this is a date and you aren't just one of those fuck buddy type..." he said after pausing briefly.

"you think I want a relationship."

"yes, I think this is what it is. I kinda know you now, so I can't just fuck and then that is that. You are a nice guy, so I don't want to just fuck then end it like that. I can't do that. I am definitely not looking for a relationship and apparently that is what you are looking for."

"......... so that is what you think?  and you already 'know me'? Just so you know that whatever I have told you, I have told everyone that I have fucked."

"yeah, ok, i didn't mean it like that. I am saying that I think that is what it is. So I can't do it."

SERiOUSLY? The one time that I didn't want actual sex I got turned down? not only that, for a reason that has NEVER been part of me? I wanted to be a relationship oriented guy and failed at all times. Now suddenly I AM THE DEMANDING RELATIONSHIP type? like SERIOUSLY? 

STUPID FUCKING ME THAT when he said I wanted more, the FIRST thing that came to my mind was "IS HE THINKING I AM  A SLUT that I AM FAKING the no sex on the first date thing." 

IT WAS JUST THE opposite. like SERIOuslY?

It was irony at its best. 

It is like, 

When you feel a homeless person is so poor that you pulled over in your car just so that you can give him some change, he tells you that he only takes 1 dollar bills and above (happened in downtown area to me and my friends")

When you want to pity fuck someone he tells you that you aren't his type.

When you save a snake and it bites you.

I know all this don't sound quite fitting here but that is how I felt. Ironically embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt. 

The one time I tried to be a normal nice guy who doesn't want the shallow crap, I become the relationship oriented bitch who is desperate for some action. The one time I let my feeling hanging loose a bit, it gets pissed on all over by a fucking fat tard.

The one time I feel like that I am dating down, I am the one who gets rejected for all the wrong reasons. 

like SERIOUSLY!!

You know what? fuck buddies are not bad at all! Mine actually texted me earlier this morning told me how much he missed the hot fucks and hope we could do it again soon. 

You know what? playing hard to get definitely get you whole lot more hot asses and cocks to suck on.

You know what? being a typical superficial douchebag gay is the only way you don't get humiliated like this.

I told him that I have never been turned down by someone like him. I didn't say what I thought about him the first 5 mins I met him.

I said,

"you know what, let me just say this, ... never mind, it is not relevant and it is not necessary to hurt anyone's feeling here."

What I wanted to say was

"you are kinda overweight and rocking a double chin, I am really out of your league and when I am being so generous, how dare you fucking play this shit on me? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU to ruin MY  FIRST DATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAT FUCK."

Nothing came out, it was just all screaming back and forth in my skull.

He kept saying sorry, which made it even worse. 

I kept telling him, don't fucking say sorry, it is not my loss so please save it. I left his place and deleted his number. 

--- 

HNT - picture this thursday.