Friday, March 21, 2008

why blog


I just stumbled upon Tim's blog once again. He did his last post last December and the reason for that is that he came out and life suddenly changed and the original purpose of his blog pretty much evaporated.

I just want to write this to reflect this resonating phenomenon. I started this blog to vent all the things that happened in my life. It was a bit dark because I wasn't happy and I couldn't come out. I wanted a anonymous outlet for me to be as negative as I can. I think everyone has his/her dark side and as "dudes" we were taught not to cry and not to complain. With being in the closet and all, not to cry and not to complain wasn't even a dude thing anymore. It was just not an option to express that side of me. So after a while that baggage took a huge tow on everything else in my life. Everything wasn't as exciting as it was supposed to be and in many ways I was depressed. I think by reading back, I could see a lot of frustration and depression hinting here and there in my posts. However, that was extremely healthy the time being because I can be as a nervous wreck I wanted to be on my blog just so that all that frustration can be let out a little bit. I think in a lot of ways, blogging really helped me dealing certain things better. Coming out was definitely because of this blog. It is like working out and weight loss. You have a much better chance of achieving it if you keep a journal of what you do and eat. Coming out was the same deal. I got to see how frustrated and pathetic I was if I continued to force myself in the closet. The more I wrote about how great if I could come out, the more comfortable I got with that idea. So every time I wanted to come out, the idea of doing it seemed to be less scary. Then, I came out with the first friend and the ball started rolling.

Despite the fact that I came out to all my close friends, I kept on blogging. Probably still sounded a bit wrecked here and there. I didn't know the reason after I solved the mystery. Basically I was still frustrated that my folks didn't know. I went back to China after graduation and talked to several closer family members and on several occasions I almost came out but ended up not to. Now in retrospect, I am very happy that I didn't because coming out to my mom first was the proper way of dealing this. It would be just so wrong if she had to find out about it via some gossip within the family and then she probably would have had a harder time dealing with the initial shock.

So finally came out to my mom by the end of the summer. Everything changed. I felt like my life is normal now. All I had to do was just living it. There was no more need to linger around the blogsphere to seek the possibilities of freedom per se. I stopped reading blogs, writing blogs, and talking to bloggers. I was ready to quit blog like how I quit the stupid game WoW in my Junior year in USC. It became a bit cold turkey.

After a long hiatus and some half assed updates. I really wanted to continue to blog for a different reason. I felt that only when I decided to move on, this blog would never move on and it would be gone. So I guess the blogging material has changed a bit. I think that it is important for me to blog. I want to keep track of my life. I want to keep some sort of record with the people and things that shaped me and affected me. It is sort of a prove that I have been in this world. Something written like a contract. I am living my life, and on top of that I want it to be written in my own term as well. I think once I changed the reason for blogging, this blog actually survived its drought.

All in all, I think blogging is fantastic. God knows how it helped so many people dealing with messy issues that people just didn't know where to start. right?

Here is a picture for half naked thursdays haha. I am gonna start doing it.

2 comments:

Bruce said...

Nice pic and I'm glad you've kept blogging. I catch up with about once a week and enjoy reading it. Thanks for keeping it up.

Hamilton said...

hi bruce, thanks for the comment. I am glad that you enjoy my rants and stuff haha. Yeah this blog should go on for a while now. Hope you come back often! :p