Well This has been forever

Well maybe not as long as my vacation but the difference is that I am here and able to post anytime I just somehow chose not to.

Life's been pretty chill lately. Made some new friends, hit on a straight guy, and went to party with bunch gays that was fun.

I was pretty down a while back because I had a major fall out with one of my closest friends and we weren't talking. We are still not talking and I am kinda over it. However, I think that somehow made me open my eyes and look at other individuals. So I guess that is a good thing overall.

There is this one guy at my gym whom everyone seems to know. He is French and somewhat flamboyant. I thought to myself, "hmmm he is either gay or just European". It turns out that he is both!

I talked to him about two weeks ago and I told him where I worked etc. He said
"oooo you should meet my friend, who happens to be in the same company with you, such a sweet person."
I said, "oh cool, a guy or a girl?"
"oh a guy, haha I am not trying to setup a date for you haha", "I mean I don't know if you like guys or girls, so I am just saying, "so what do you like".

That was when I was still in the gym so I just laughed. About five seconds later we were out of the gym and he asked me again why am I laughing. I said,

"What about you, are you gay?"
"He said yes, I have always been, haha. I have a partner who was engaged to a woman though, but me, yes always gay", "so are you gay?"
"I just came out not long ago."

As I was speaking, there are more people coming out of the gym and I could see this one woman took a bit extra attention to our conversation when I said I just came out. It felt kinda liberating lol.

So after this exchange, we got each other's numbers and proceeded to text each other for the next week or so. Grabbed drink on Monday with him and his TV producing friend. They were pretty nice and so easy to talk to. But I guess that is because they are more mature both mentally and physically and they have less that I am the center of the universe flare. That flare really kinda scares me hehe.

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About hitting on the straight guy it was pretty funny. I saw this swimmer build guy at the gym working out. He is very fit but apparently his upper body isn't strong. He looked VERY young and I just couldn't stop looking. I think he saw me looking too since I wasn't subtle at all. LOL sigh, I don't do subtle often not because I don't want to. It is just that I am so clumsy when it comes to subtle I can never pretend lol. So we finished working out together and he was in the locker changing and I just stared. When we both walked out the gym, I followed him to his car. He seemed to look in my way too but he didn't initiate a conversation so eventually I just went up to him and introduced myself. He was really nice and talkative. When I felt the conversation was a bit too superficial, I just cut straight to the chase. I asked him if he liked guys and hopefully he was since I couldn't stop looking that swimmer body. He started laughing saying that he was flattered but he wasn't. He said his brother is bi and his aunt is gay and his 3 uncles are all gay but after experimenting with his brothers' friends, he didn't find it as appealing as woman. It was nice exchange.

Afterward, JR said that is his way of rejecting me. I guess it is also a possibility. But it is a nice experience nevertheless. At least I am doing something and actively trying to get what I want right?

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This Friday, the gay went out. French guy lives in Silver Lake with his partner and I went to his house. Another 3 gays showed up. They are all in the TV/Movie industry. They seem to be doing quite well for themselves. Lovely people, very easy to talk to. So we chatted and drank for about 2 hours and headed to this place called MJ's. My first time tipping the strippers and it was pretty fun haha, we drank more and danced the night off. The club wasn't as crazy as West Hollywood's and probably less eye candy as well but it was good enough. Great company really counts. Then it started to rain. Felt pretty refreshing even though I normally hate the rain. I came home around 3 am and played some video games and spent Saturday resting.

There you have it!

Have fun.

Hamilton

Score again

First of all thank you for the comments!

Well Guess WHAT! I got rear ended on Friday morning on my way to work. Yes! IT is me Against the World now!!! Bring it on bitches. Maybe it is time for me to pick a faith, Jesus Mary Buddha Santa Clause Eastern Bunny, help me!!!

Luckily, there was no damage. I am now just screaming at people who crash into me and they seem to be either confused or just intimidated. They probably didn't really talk to me all that much because I appeared to be psycho.

Friday went fairly quickly because I had a company outing thing. We went to a really nice park and had fried chicken, fries, coke, and pies. I had the first 3 items and they were so good. I haven't had any of those for a freaking long time. Fat does taste better!

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Worked out super hard with my cute trainer and had good time just being stupid and really working hard. I bought Muscle Milk according to his advice and I hope this shit can pack me additional 20 lbs so I can whore myself around much easier.

After working out I went to Jumba Juice and Vitamin World and on my way out I started talking to this old guy. Then we just had a conversation for 30 mins on the street like that. He wasn't going to ask me to have sex with him for money. No, I wish since I kinda need extra money for my insurance but that wasn't the case. Instead we just talked about working out, career path and a bit economy and China. I know boring shit. However, it was pretty interesting and it was a very genuine event. I think it was genuine because we just had a conversation that went really well. We had something in common to share. Some subjective social observation if you will. I don't think people do this kinda things anymore, much less in L.A. at least. So that was kinda interesting and random. I enjoyed it anyway.

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Ok the following is the boring stuff, so please skip if you really have nothing else to do, like jackoff and stuff you know.

Came home for dinner and mom said that she went to this very unique restaurant in China last week. China has 1.6 billion people and they are known for their food. So in order to stand out in China in the eatery business you really have to be creative nowadays thus we have all these themed restaurants. That seems to be all the rage nowadays. The one that she went to feature the theme from the 1960s during the 10 years long Culture Revolution of the Mao's years.

For those of you who have no idea about that (or history in general for that matter, lol just kidding), it was a tough time for anyone to endure. The country went through this social, cultural and political movement that shook every single individual's world. People became crazy and the whole general environment had a striking resemblance of the novel "1984". Though it was the toughest 10 years that many many Chinese endured. A lot of memories, the good or the bad still linger. People simply cannot forget that. Quoting from the promo slogan for the new PBS WWII documentary "The War", "It is impossible and immoral to forget that". People from my parents' generation sure cannot forget but the horror, chaos, and revolution that forever changed 1 billion people have lost its power in our generation. It past on as stories, legends and eventuall became myths. That is how we could have this Cultural Revolution themed restaurant. People are singing and dancing in the fashion that you could only find during that time. They wore the Mao outfit. The restaurants were covered in broken bricks and fliers printed in cheap colored paper. Instead of being chaotic and horrifying, it was surprisingly festival for the patrons. The restaurant is a hit in Beijing, the capital of China and people had to make reservation at least a day prior to their visit.

My mom said the show was great and it was unique. However, I just felt kinda bad. It is one thing that you have enough heart and humor to look at the sad and tragic pasts with a comical approach. It is however kinda offensive to capitalize it on a surface level for the shear shocking value. I mean it is perfectly fine here, I mean it is the America, people only react to shocks now. But in a country, which is still young at its modern development of entertainment business, it is kinda disturbing that they already went there. It is like you make a WWII themed restaurants featuring poison gas chambers. I am sure the Jews aren't laughing.

They lost touch with reality. The restaurant is a mere ghost of the surface of that devastating past. In a way it is reinterpreting history and the current generation is even less concerned with what just went terribly wrong only 50 years ago. For people who have endured that to enjoy these is totally beyond me. AND THEY DO. I guess they haven't suffered enough or they just really want to move on. Turning a blind eye. I mean ignorance is after all the most powerful tool that one is born with. Right?

I am totally scoring it

Yeah. I just have had another car accident. AND IT WAS STILL MY FAULT. All 3 car accidents that I have had so far are all my faults. This really sucks. I am averaging one financially painful accident a year. My insurance is already through the roof. Now after this one, I think the insurance will probably see Jesus first.

I stopped at a stop sign and after looking left right and left and all that I came out of the stop sign. Because it was a very crowded local street that I couldn't see there was another car coming at me. He didn't even fucking slow down. After the accident he kept saying he was slow. I am like I am sure it is slow because My fucking wheel is about to fall off.

My dad came and drove it home. But on the way home he said the wheel was really about to fall off. If that is the case, then I am totally fucked in my bank.

WHY ME~!~!~!~!~!~ I am like prone to car accident or something.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a fancy West Hollywood lounge in a gay event but now I am back home probably end up with gay porn. This really blows...

Well I hope JR you went and I hope you enjoyed it. Yeah, please enjoy it for me =/...

Lovely

You can't stop loving her.

Eternity

yeah that is a scary concept.

This post would be short.

"If you die, I would put your ash in an urn and talk to you everyday."

A blogger told me at 2:00am in the morning. Should I be worried.

Life is a beautiful thing,

I just come across this animation online and it cannot be more truthful. I mean we all have said the similar things and deep down we still think it is true. But it is so easy to get caught up in the daily errands. Life is a musical in which there should be dances and music and we should live through it. Instead of living it like a straight line, a journey, or a pilgrimage. It is so true. I think I have mentioned that I started to have mid life crisis since I was 18. Now I come to think of it, it probably started when I was in elemental school. Everyone told us to keep moving up on the academic ladder. Then when we start working we should aim to get promoted and what not. Life is about reaching that idealism or that theory called success. In the beginning I guess I was having those midlife crisis because I was terrified. Everyone around me told me that should I given up on this academic themed ladder climbing game, I would end up cleaning the streets. In a society where success was mostly measured on a better materialistic living standard, people would go as far as calling teachers, workers, and anyone who depends on a salary a failure. Then people have to find their own success caliber. It is always relative. That is why there is always a higher quota that makes everyone like chinchilla on heat. Never a dull moment to fulfill that higher quota. Hoax is what Alan Watts called it.

I am ranting this isn't for random reasons. Though as pretentious as it sounds, this particular topic is actually something that is always on my mind. As I just mentioned that if my anxiety attack was from fear of failure, then my current doubts, worries, and any feeling that resembles similarities to midlife crisis are probably due to my fear of the truth. As another blogger Rishi said once to me that everyone has to choose a path in their lives. In a way, everyone's life is somewhat predetermined. Here I am going to make a broader generalization, please excuse me Rishi if this isn't what you meant all, that Free will is relative. Everything we do or don't do is related to a big part of our finance capability. For some professions, such as Rishi's, the future neuro surgeon, he seems to know exactly how much he will be making and how he is going to live his life using that money. So in order to reach that goal, he has to go through this quota. He is very successful for his age already - one of the best in his medical program in the nation. Yet it is far from over. It is a pilgrimage indeed. The road in medicine is a life long one. He spends most of the time in the lab and working his ass off. Luckily he enjoys it.

But for me, I somehow just never thought that is how life should/would be. As we were talking, I pointed out that this belief of mine was one of our fundamental differences as two individuals. Though we both went to private universities and went through intense programs in our field, I still somehow felt that he was destined to do what he does and he does it with all this passion or even rage. I do have that side of competitiveness but I just feel that when an individual lives and breathes his/her profession, he/she is being consumed by it. Somehow I just feel that life should just be something more than that.

I am worried nowadays is that I am still in my pursuit of that "successful" quota and I already know there is no end in my field. I mean for Rishi, it is to become a neuro surgeon. Then he will continue to do research. Saving people's lives, and conquer diseases what not. But even he doesn't figure out how to completely cure Parkinson's or brain cancer, he would still have this intrinsic satisfaction. But what about business? I remember I read this article in which the guys in NY financial field are complaining about 7 figure salaries. In their own words, when you are poor you always wanted to fly first class, and after 5-7 years of life draining career building, you finally can afford first class. But then you suddenly find out that real rich people fly private. I don't know because business and corporate world provides probably everything except for the feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. If there is, it would be short lived but quotas are instantly raised. If anything it makes you want more.

What if after I am 45, become that pathetic dude in this video, looking into my "accomplishment" bag and shake and shake and nothing tangible really comes out? Then I really realize that this is all just a hoax. What would I do then. Would I be able to find my life value from a partner or husband by then so I don't feel sad lonely and empty? I don't want to live in this hoax yet billions of people live through it.

I guess I like California because it gives you a chance to breath. Whenever you just walk down a beach or a very nice and quiet neighborhood, you feel you are touching life. I like that. Despite my keen interest in i-bank and money, another side of me just really wants to enjoy the sun and catch some waves for the rest of my life.

Anyways, going to bed. I have a rat race to catch tomorrow morning.

A weird morning

Everything has been great this weekend till this morning.

Saturday I met up with one of my old buddies and we hit up Huntington Beach for a day of relaxation. He picked me up around 11:00 and we got there 11:50am. Such a short distant I probably should go to this beach from now on. The sun was out, bright and hot. However, the wind was cold and the water was freezing. Most noticeably, the fog refused to disappear. I am not talking about some fuzziness in the air that might stop me from checking out a hot guy. I am talking about some hardcore fog. We could barely see the waves while standing on the beach. Looking at the shore, we really couldn't see the condos. I guess this is something happens often in this area since all the beach goers didn't seem to mind the fog at all. So after 1 hour sun bathing, my friend and I finally decided to go in the water. Normally I wouldn't jump in due to the sub zero temperature of the water. But I dared him to go in so now there is no going back for me. Five minutes in the water was enough for me I couldn't feel my legs and I had very short breathe. I guess this is how you would feel if one day you are in the unfortunate hypothermia scenario. Definitely horrible. We played around talked a lot and just totally enjoyed the day. The fog was enjoying it too. It came and went like it was having fun along with the beach goers. But finally it took its last bow around 2:00pm and the tanning couldn't get any better.

My buddy and I talked about season pass to Big Bear so we could go snowboard all winter long. We talked about relationship and friends and career. It was again just really relaxing and I didn't have to care what I had to say. It was refreshing for the mind. After the beach we went to this small joint nearby called "Taco Surf". I had one of the baddest burrito for a long time. That along with a very sweet and well mixed strawberry Margarita, the afternoon has never seemed to be so beautiful haha. We totally pigged out because the portion was so large. Laughed a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, def good times.

This prompted me to tell him that I was gay. But he is in fact homophobic. This kinda scares me a bit. I do not want to lose another friend because of this and he is a really hard working, sincere guy. I guess I will just keep hanging out with him throughout the winter see where this leads us.

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This morning I had a dream. Well technically speaking, it was afternoon because I woke up at 2:00pm. In the dream I was at a small bar and people were talking, drinking, and eating. I somehow was sitting in front of the girl who outted me to her boyfriend and brother despite the fact that I specifically told her not to. I don't know why I dreamed about drinking with her because she really wasn't on mind for a long time. Then suddenly the whole bar became quiet because it was the hourly "cell phone" time. Supposedly in this short period of time, everyone could use the cell phone and call people they need to talk to and everyone should speak at a low volume so that their conversation with their friends and family can go on interrupted. Then one of my good friends back in the last semester at USC came by. She is in the i-banking business now and working in San Francisco. I was so surprised she came. We started to talk as if we were still in school. It was so nice. Then she told me, Hamilton, you really need a career change, you can do soo much more. Come on change it. Then I just woke up.

Indeed, I miss this girl from USC. She is smart, talented at what she does, and very sociable. I called her right away and we talked about this dream, career etc on the phone for a bit. Ah... I hope I can head up there soon. I need to keep these quality people in my life close. Also I had to mention that she was so sweet to ask me if I am seeing anyone and ensured me I would find the right one when I am ready. haha. so sweet.

Anyways, I am going to eat now and watch the Emmy's. One of my coworker is actually going to the Emmy's. So fancy, it is just like how my managers rocked out at the VMA. When can I roll like that????? damn.

A bit perk

I guess that is a bit of consolation for my little pay. As employee, we get to advance screen our products a bit earlier than the public.

A couple days ago, I invited a friend of mine and we did the advanced screening of The December Boys. It is kinda sweet, sad, and happy. It is one of those movies in which you somehow find a bit comfort and happiness out of a miserable situation. Daniel aka Harry Porter kinda broke off his cash cow/career killer role -- Harry Porter. Especially the innocent sex scenes made you forget about the asexual Harry Porter right away. My friend, who cried over SpiderMan 3 inevitably cried again. It was an independent film that was partially invested by Village Roadshow (aussie company) so you get to see a lot of aussie in it.

Overall it is a pretty good movie and I think it is interesting to see how Daniel chooses his strategy to break off his Harry Porter image. It is kinda hard considering he has two more to go. I am not a Harry Porter fan. But I have to give credits to this franchise. Apparently the 5 Harry Porter movies already established a franchise that in revenue has surpassed 6 Star Wars movies, and 22 James Bond movies. It is truly amazing how much purchase power the babies and whimsical young adults possess. Or rather, how willing their parents are to spend that much money for them.

Coming up, advanced screening of Assassination of Jesse James. I want me some Brad Pitt!!!!!!!

Peace~