omfg why did i just do that

It was outfest on Saturday. A coworker mentioned it to me so I said I wanted to go. He got me a ticket through a fellow employee that worked for the gay group at my company. The movie was great, it is called American Primitive. There was some really great acting and plots. Even though it is a bit hollywood ending but it is expected and only logical for its depth. After all it is a comedidrama kinda thing.

Then the 4 of us headed for after parties. The head of the gay group at our company had to do a bit socializing with some event organizers as well as some of his old friends of his. So his boyfriend, my coworker and I just hang around and waiting for him. We made small talks with some other people and within our own group. I was in a good mood and I really wanted to dance. About an hour later, which is already 1230am. We finally headed to Abbeys, but then we decided to go Here instead. The porn director Chi Chi Larue was spinning at the DJ booth @_@. I liked the pop and hip pop mixes and everything else just sucked. I was completely sober and it was already approaching 1:00 am. I had to get a bit buzzed fast. So I got a good shot from the go-go boys who were giving out free shots every hour and all you had to do just to tip them. Then I got a Vodka Tonic and chug it within minutes. I was feeling really good then. We danced for a while. The couple left earlier and my coworker and I just kept dancing. He didn't look like he was having fun. I was slightly annoyed because I don't like people who can't just enjoy themselves. I was dancing a lot. But 2 o clock rolled by quickly everything was shutting down. So we left.

First of all I am extremely light weight which I found it to be extremely fortunate. I save a lot of money and get buzzed quickly. I haven't drank hard liquor for probably half year, so chugging a Vodka Tonic was really a bit much. I thought I felt great in the club, I just felt it even more. I got dizzy and my head was pumping. I was really happy and talked non stop. We went to his house, and I couldn't find my car after passing it 3 times. So he said he would make some pasta and we could smoke a bit weed to relax. It sounded great. So we did all that.

I was passing out a bit on his bed. He then started saying that it'd be perfect right now if we gave each other blow jobs. I told him don't be ridiculous. It'd be so awkward. He kept talking about it and I just said it is a nono. After a while, he just cuddled me from behind and then he said "let me get on top of you". And we started making out. He said he liked my biceps, my legs and I was tall and strong. And then he started grinding on me and next thing i knew we started blowing each other. After I shot my load, I became much more aware what has just happened. I was MORTIFIED. I already felt embarrassed and awkward while he passed out there.

For one, I know he likes me from other coworkers and various weird conversation he was having with me here and there kinda confirmed that. For example, one day he asked me if I had to , who would i sleep with in the department. So I paused and thought about it. I was like hmmmm. Before I gave an answer, he said I couldn't say it was him. I was thinking to myself, wow I wasn't thinking about you at all. So I gave him a name of a guy who I thought was extremely adorable. He shrugged and said "if i am taller and bigger, I am definitely way hotter than he is". Well You ARE NOT, so there. So my coworker said he liked me and has asked me if I were equally attracted to him at all. I thought that was kinda cute. However, I don't find him attractive at all! I like tall masculine guys. I like big manly white or CHINESE guys. I normally don't find other Asians as attractive and white boys are always fun to play with. He is NONE OF THOSE. He is kinda short, 5'8"ish, extremely skinny and has really dark skin tone, since he is Filipino. I am just not attracted to that. I always drop those hints too. Like when we check out guys I always point at the big tall white guys and say hey looked that, so hot, i love tall guys, i love white boys, i love muscle etc etc.. But at that moment, it was just warm and fuzzy and I just didn't say no. I had the nerve to even keep saying "haha this is gonna be awkward". I think I was just retarded.

I am freaking out right now. I don't know how it is gonna be on Monday. Is he gonna do what he said he would do, which is to pretend nothing ever happened? I think that is the only way and I hope he does that. I would prefer if we could actually just completely forget about it. But I am very pissed because I hooked up with someone who I don't find attractive in a circumstance which still makes me feel a bit used. And I am the only one to blame that just makes it even worse. I guess this is the definition of a whore? I always wondered what a whore is. I don't consider sleeping with lots lots men makes one a whore. But now I know. Hooking up with someone who u don't find attractive makes you a whore. omfg, this really sucks. I know I was on the HIV scare thing for too long and was having a bit dry spell but I shouldn't have lowered myself to this. But I guess there was no hardcore sex and the guy he hooked up with before (ran into one in west hollywood earlier in the night) was extremely hot make the situation a bit better? ARRGGGG cries...