A tender moment

Today is one of my friends' bday.

Usually, I wouldn't call a person my friend this fast. Honestly I still don't know this person that well, however he is just such a down to earth genuine guy, I have had good times hanging out with him for the short half year I have known him.

He is moving back to Shanghai in China working for an American architect company in their marketing department. Of course partially is through his ironclad Chinese government connection from his dad. But I think in his case, he deserves this great chance.

My best friend made reservation for 8 of us in Villa Sorriso in Pasadena. I had to arrive early to sign a very sweet homemade picture montage card. It had pictures taken from our surfing trips down at Malibu beach and gambling trips in Las Vegas. We also all chipped in and bought him a 600 dollars LV wallet. I was the last person to sign so the 2 foot tall card has already been filled. Also, what is so sweet is that we had all our cartoon avatars sticked to our well wishes and those cartoon avatars were illustrated by none other than our birthday boy. He sketched them with a fine sharpy on envelope paper when we were stuck in traffic on the way home from Vegas. He saw the card and said "I Shall Keep It till the Day I Die!" lol so dorky. He is definitely straight and usually wears basketball gears. But today he was wearing a nice pair of jeans, a black v-neck tshirt and pair of converse. Shorter haircut. Very crisp image and such a huge contrast. He is turning 27 and yet he always has that 18 year old smile. He is 6'3" and still acts like a big child, much like me in that sense lol. I have to say he looked pretty charming tonight.

We had great food, and wine was flowing on the dinner table. Nice conversations ensued. It was about a lot of things and yet about nothing. It wasn't some great epiphany over life or some sad farewell party. We were talking about our extremely amateur surfing techniques, about the strayed dog we rescued and how she was shaved because of entangled fur, about bitchy people we ran into during the day, about how expensive is to live in China nowadays, about how boring work is and why everyone works at places they hate yet they never move around, about which free iphone app is the most addictive and how pathetic we are talking about which iphone free app is most addictive. 4 hours passed by quickly.

I was just thinking, there we had 6 guys and 2 girls. The guys are all over 25 and one 31. If it were only the guys, most likely it'd be just dinner then drinking. Fun for sure, memorable? maybe not. it is not like they aren't partying or clubbing on a weekly basis anyways. But with the thoughtful younger girls, with a move that is a bit cheesy but definitely touching, we have a montage card that recorded memories that emerged in this very particular time of our lives. I don't know. I just felt that something special was captured. I guess I can understand how crazy yet precious that my best friend is taking hundreds of pictures of us every month and post them on facebook chronically. Ok I guess it is probably crazier than precious but precious nevertheless.

It was a great time. But it made all of us think, what would happen in 5 years, how many of us would still hang out like this, 2, 3 times a week. Are we getting old together? When life happens and we might stop talking to each other. Kinda bitter sweet.

omfg why did i just do that

It was outfest on Saturday. A coworker mentioned it to me so I said I wanted to go. He got me a ticket through a fellow employee that worked for the gay group at my company. The movie was great, it is called American Primitive. There was some really great acting and plots. Even though it is a bit hollywood ending but it is expected and only logical for its depth. After all it is a comedidrama kinda thing.

Then the 4 of us headed for after parties. The head of the gay group at our company had to do a bit socializing with some event organizers as well as some of his old friends of his. So his boyfriend, my coworker and I just hang around and waiting for him. We made small talks with some other people and within our own group. I was in a good mood and I really wanted to dance. About an hour later, which is already 1230am. We finally headed to Abbeys, but then we decided to go Here instead. The porn director Chi Chi Larue was spinning at the DJ booth @_@. I liked the pop and hip pop mixes and everything else just sucked. I was completely sober and it was already approaching 1:00 am. I had to get a bit buzzed fast. So I got a good shot from the go-go boys who were giving out free shots every hour and all you had to do just to tip them. Then I got a Vodka Tonic and chug it within minutes. I was feeling really good then. We danced for a while. The couple left earlier and my coworker and I just kept dancing. He didn't look like he was having fun. I was slightly annoyed because I don't like people who can't just enjoy themselves. I was dancing a lot. But 2 o clock rolled by quickly everything was shutting down. So we left.

First of all I am extremely light weight which I found it to be extremely fortunate. I save a lot of money and get buzzed quickly. I haven't drank hard liquor for probably half year, so chugging a Vodka Tonic was really a bit much. I thought I felt great in the club, I just felt it even more. I got dizzy and my head was pumping. I was really happy and talked non stop. We went to his house, and I couldn't find my car after passing it 3 times. So he said he would make some pasta and we could smoke a bit weed to relax. It sounded great. So we did all that.

I was passing out a bit on his bed. He then started saying that it'd be perfect right now if we gave each other blow jobs. I told him don't be ridiculous. It'd be so awkward. He kept talking about it and I just said it is a nono. After a while, he just cuddled me from behind and then he said "let me get on top of you". And we started making out. He said he liked my biceps, my legs and I was tall and strong. And then he started grinding on me and next thing i knew we started blowing each other. After I shot my load, I became much more aware what has just happened. I was MORTIFIED. I already felt embarrassed and awkward while he passed out there.

For one, I know he likes me from other coworkers and various weird conversation he was having with me here and there kinda confirmed that. For example, one day he asked me if I had to , who would i sleep with in the department. So I paused and thought about it. I was like hmmmm. Before I gave an answer, he said I couldn't say it was him. I was thinking to myself, wow I wasn't thinking about you at all. So I gave him a name of a guy who I thought was extremely adorable. He shrugged and said "if i am taller and bigger, I am definitely way hotter than he is". Well You ARE NOT, so there. So my coworker said he liked me and has asked me if I were equally attracted to him at all. I thought that was kinda cute. However, I don't find him attractive at all! I like tall masculine guys. I like big manly white or CHINESE guys. I normally don't find other Asians as attractive and white boys are always fun to play with. He is NONE OF THOSE. He is kinda short, 5'8"ish, extremely skinny and has really dark skin tone, since he is Filipino. I am just not attracted to that. I always drop those hints too. Like when we check out guys I always point at the big tall white guys and say hey looked that, so hot, i love tall guys, i love white boys, i love muscle etc etc.. But at that moment, it was just warm and fuzzy and I just didn't say no. I had the nerve to even keep saying "haha this is gonna be awkward". I think I was just retarded.

I am freaking out right now. I don't know how it is gonna be on Monday. Is he gonna do what he said he would do, which is to pretend nothing ever happened? I think that is the only way and I hope he does that. I would prefer if we could actually just completely forget about it. But I am very pissed because I hooked up with someone who I don't find attractive in a circumstance which still makes me feel a bit used. And I am the only one to blame that just makes it even worse. I guess this is the definition of a whore? I always wondered what a whore is. I don't consider sleeping with lots lots men makes one a whore. But now I know. Hooking up with someone who u don't find attractive makes you a whore. omfg, this really sucks. I know I was on the HIV scare thing for too long and was having a bit dry spell but I shouldn't have lowered myself to this. But I guess there was no hardcore sex and the guy he hooked up with before (ran into one in west hollywood earlier in the night) was extremely hot make the situation a bit better? ARRGGGG cries...

For the first time I think Bill O'Reily has a point

What!

IT is about Michael Jackson.

He is pondering how and why upon death, a tragic and pathetic way of dying - possible drug overdose, he suddenly was hailed as a hero. The African American community latched on, hailed him on a stature equivalent to a modern civil movement leader.

All I feel for Michael, at least if I were him, would be anger. Where were these mother fuckers when he was in some deep shit. The media practically used him as an easy joke. It is funny that someone achieved so much and yet suffered as much. The mass public likes to see some sort of "justice" over successful people.

The mentality of
"Oh yeah you are rich, famous, powerful and talent alright, but look! you have weird peter pan syndrome and an obsession of plastic surgeries, yes there is god, don't be too happy because you aint better than me. " I think it is absolutely sickening. I wondered where Al Sharpton was when the civil movement hero was in deep trouble. Oh yeah he was actually there, and defending Michael yet again on racial basis. I wonder why didn't have the balls and courage to hail him as the civil rights entertainer and argue the child molestation based on Michael's own abused childhood. Where was the compassion then? Instead he was like reading off a TelePrompTer saying Michael is targeted because he was famous and black. This country needs dialogue and humanity on a daily basis. Not just when tragedy struck.

Bill O Reily's ponder has a basis though I am sure he and I have drastically different conclusions of this situation but he does have that basis. I don't get it either, why don't we cherish something that is valuable or someone who you really do care as much as you claim when the object is still in existence and that person is still alive. Why do we always pay tribute to the dead much much more than the respect the living who deserves. Why is it so backward?

Ah I wish I could just talk

and the computer will write for me. I miss blogging sometimes, it is cathartic and I would like to document how I feel at certain stage. But I dont know I guess I am just so lazy that if I were a species 100 million years ago on earth I would have been the first one to get wiped out by others. I guess I will try slowly but surely get back to this I think I need to.

Part of the reason I stopped a while back is because I was kinda down for a while. I had another 2 HIV scare due to stupid sexual encounters that were just beyond my own comprehension. It was stressful and depressing to go through it once in life and I found it rather disturbing and depressing to rewrite that here once again. In that case the sharing does not relieve anything, instead it only increases the pain. I guess I am in a better place now.

I just read a post from Debriefing the Boys and found he had an HIV scare too which is a bit more scarier than mine since his encounter tested positive. Oi... the humanity. At least during that scare, he was still able to have awesome weekends by his measure. But for me, it was just gray all day everyday. The fact that I did it back to back after testing negative the first time was just so self destructive.

Anyways...

I pulled 4 wisdom teeth out 2 weeks ago. I was on Vicodin most of the time in the beginning so I thought I was a good healer. God only I knew... Once I was off the painkillers, I had trouble sleeping, and the teeth were so painful that I have been having bad headaches all day everyday for an entire week.

In that state I still helped a friend to move on the weekend in Hollywood. To rewind, we smoked a bit weed after we were all done, and I guess all the antibiotic and painkillers combined with weed were just bad idea. It was as if I had an acid trip. I am so so tired of the pain! Had a check up today and the doctor could not be less brief. He shoved some painkiller medicine in my wound and told me to come back in 5 days and he will take those out. As soon as he finished the instruction he was ready to go on to the next patient. I know his business is super good and all but he made it so obvious that he had bigger tooth to fry in other rooms! So I started to ramble,

"it hurts a lot, i have a headache everyday, is it infected? I think my nerve is exposed because everytime i drink something cold, a jolt of pain just shoots down my spine. do i need more meds? which med should I get, i heard vicodin damages your liver."

I guess my machine gun style of questioning dind't help the case at all since he just said, yes yes, no, probably, it is normal, if you want meds i can give you some, what do u need, do you need both, ok here, go get some more vicodin...

I guess that is great if I were addicted to Rx drugs, but I just wanted some professional attention...

Tomorrow is my mom's bday, got her a coach watch and she liked it a lot. It'd be perfect if she didn't just ask me to try girls again 2 weeks ago. sigh back to ground 0 in this battle...