conversation with my vp

It is dialogue between two generations of gays. kinda boring you are warned.

----

Me (11:09:48 PM): btw

Me (11:09:51 PM): i was meaning to ask u

Me (11:10:02 PM): someone wrote the answer on the white board

Me (11:10:17 PM): the answer to the question "what are looking forward to when the weather is warmer"

Me (11:10:23 PM): someone said fresh fruits

Me (11:10:26 PM): and someone wrote down

Me (11:10:28 PM): who is a fruit

Me (11:10:34 PM): ok that is kinda bad u know

Me (11:10:49 PM): but someone with humor covered his ass saying "who isn't"

Me (11:10:50 PM): was that u

Me (11:10:55 PM): who wrote who isn't>?

Me (11:11:19 PM): BTW the black temp that i thought was your new assistant WAS gay omg my gaydar was S?O on coz i got the vibe from him

vp (11:12:11 PM): I saw it this evening. Playing editor - i erased the who's the fruit part. It is not the first homophobic thing i've had to erase

vp (11:12:35 PM): i left the first part - but erased the who's a fruit part

vp (11:12:46 PM): no tolerance

Me (11:12:49 PM): u should confront it

Me (11:12:53 PM): write down

Me (11:13:07 PM): homophobic should not be tolerated - sr. management

Me (11:13:40 PM): most likely it is some young guys in the office

Me (11:13:48 PM): i am pretty worked up with the gay rights thing lately

vp (11:13:50 PM): you might be right. the white board should be kept light

Me (11:14:01 PM): after seeing the lawerence king case

Me (11:14:11 PM): he was shot in the head by a 14 year old twice and dead 2 days later

Me (11:14:14 PM): for being who is omg

Me (11:14:18 PM): for god's sake

Me (11:14:23 PM): he was so brave to be who he is

Me (11:14:29 PM): i thinkw e really need to more as adults

Me (11:14:35 PM): in an industry running by gays

Me (11:14:39 PM): i mean if we can't do that much

Me (11:14:46 PM): i don't know what else we could do u know

vp (11:15:04 PM): we won't change people's mind by telling them what to think

vp (11:15:12 PM): we just need to live our lives

vp (11:15:22 PM): and be there, gay and normal

Me (11:15:26 PM): that is for sure but shouldn't we also confront it?

Me (11:15:42 PM): instead of i dont kjnow like hiding it

vp (11:16:00 PM): something for me to think about

vp (11:16:19 PM): my generation was more used to hiding it

vp (11:16:23 PM): but that is no excuse

Me (11:16:43 PM): i just feel that if WB and Disney can't let the gays be who they are without being harrassed one way or another, we are just really not gonna move forward anymore. kinda sad

Me (11:16:53 PM): i am telling u

Me (11:16:54 PM): sometimes

Me (11:17:03 PM): one simple action puts so much hope in a young person

Me (11:17:13 PM): like harvey milk

Me (11:17:33 PM): who said that there would be hope for the gays because he will fight it for them, i think that prevented a lot of suicides

Me (11:18:01 PM): at least one person who survived his depression now lived to write a book about him and now the movie is in production by sean penn

vp (11:18:44 PM): i often forget there is homophoobia out there these days.

vp (11:19:30 PM): i work in an environment where most people either know, don't care or are respectful of my corporate position

Me (11:19:31 PM): i read towleroad

vp (11:19:36 PM): and then i live in weho

Me (11:19:44 PM): basically u will see at least one gay bashing a day on that simple news outlet

vp (11:19:56 PM): so sad

Me (11:20:01 PM): yeap

Me (11:20:34 PM): so u know i just think in los angeles the most gay friendly town in the world, in the entertainment industry the gay industry

Me (11:20:39 PM): shouldn't we the gays rule the place

Me (11:20:49 PM): i think it is appropriate to make at least a stance

Me (11:21:11 PM): i mean it is not even an confrontation it is a mere stance

Me (11:21:21 PM): now i regret that i dind't put anything on the board.

vp (11:21:50 PM): i think if i were in the insurance business in tulsa, i would not have a picture of my bf on my deak. ok i'm sober now

vp (11:22:12 PM): well, maybe we both learned something then

Me (11:23:10 PM): yeah

Me (11:23:16 PM): i just think at least for ME

Me (11:23:23 PM): i can't take all the comfort for granted

Me (11:23:36 PM): i feel that a lot of people got bashed or died or depressed over the years

Me (11:23:44 PM): indirectly for me to at least to come out for my mom

Me (11:23:52 PM): i don't think i would have if i didn't attend that GLAAD award

vp (11:24:02 PM): i have seen so much change of the last 20 years that the same triumphs seem like a big deal to me - the just being out and not too weird about it so huge to me

vp (11:24:14 PM): small triumphs

vp (11:24:31 PM): you kids today!!!

Me (11:24:35 PM): i know man

Me (11:24:38 PM): i am just anal

Me (11:24:42 PM): i swear to u

vp (11:24:47 PM): so you've told me

Me (11:25:07 PM): there are so many people are just apathetic

vp (11:25:36 PM): in the gay world? apathetic

Me (11:26:30 PM): i think it is kinda like that in america a lot of people are

Me (11:26:33 PM): but see that is good about americans

Me (11:26:40 PM): people are allowed to dream and be passionate about things

Me (11:26:55 PM): so we got these lazy sloth who just leech on others' fruits and taking advantages

Me (11:27:05 PM): there are elites who make differences one step at a time

Me (11:27:21 PM): like erin brokwich etc u know brave stories

vp (11:27:51 PM): but her story was actually one of small steps

vp (11:28:00 PM): we can all be a little bit like that

vp (11:28:13 PM): even if it just means writing something on a white board

Me (11:28:21 PM): yeap

Me (11:28:25 PM): that is my whole point

Me (11:28:42 PM): i was reading that thing today for a while

Me (11:28:54 PM): smile on my face but the expression was really forced i was pretty bugged by it

vp (11:30:44 PM): sorry, that's why i erased it. it was offensive. if i knew who wrote it, obviously as a human being and one of the dept heads, it would get confronted. sorry you had to deal with it

Me (11:31:14 PM): oh no i am talking to u as a friend and young homo right now. not as an employee u know

Me (11:31:20 PM): i am sure u are just as bothered

Me (11:31:30 PM): but u are weathered. u deal it very differently

Me (11:31:41 PM): u have more patience and tolerance

vp (11:31:59 PM): i was bothered and sadened, but not totally shocked.

vp (11:32:13 PM): some people have shit for brains

Me (11:32:27 PM): i know

Me (11:32:30 PM): i think they eat shit too

Me (11:32:42 PM): i

vp (11:32:43 PM): lol

Me (11:32:53 PM): kinda try to push tolerance in my small ways as well

vp (11:34:17 PM): you just need to live your life. some people won't like it no matter what you do. some people will love and some will not, but that is mostly their problem.v

p (11:34:30 PM): let them say what they want - we will be there to protect each other

vp (11:34:53 PM): so say the cookie of our tribal counsel

vp (11:35:09 PM): council?

vp (11:35:13 PM): whatever

Me (11:38:21 PM): yeah i was saing i am pushing tolerance in my small ways too

Me (11:38:23 PM): like today

Me (11:38:32 PM): i had dinner with jason with his gf together

Me (11:38:36 PM): and we were talking about fraternity

Me (11:38:41 PM): and after talking about it

Me (11:39:07 PM): i said oh u know in usc we have openly gay fraternity now. like this one with 90 members with 15 members. i think that is a good step. more diversed and definitel the right step

Me (11:39:17 PM): apparently they werne't on the same boat but they could only agree

Me (11:39:35 PM): in LA, understanding and tolerance is actually something cool to talk about

vp (11:46:28 PM): it is a relatively progressive place, but perhaps it can make us (me) too complacent at times.

vp (11:46:50 PM): that's why you are in my life, in part, to help me remember

Me (11:47:07 PM): i know

Me (11:47:14 PM): but i think at least for u

vp (11:47:15 PM): that there is a white board out there that still needs to be responded to

Me (11:47:16 PM): u earned it

Me (11:47:18 PM): u went thru that

Me (11:47:37 PM): not everyone has to live a life like a pheonix

Me (11:47:58 PM): that is why i still have some respect for a lot of politicians even tho they talk shit out of their mouth

Me (11:48:55 PM): omg seriously i might call in sick somehow my throat is kicking too

Me (11:48:59 PM): i don't know what triggered this

Me (11:49:07 PM): i suspect if it is the miedicine i took...

vp (11:49:20 PM): we both need to go to bed

vp (11:49:22 PM): what medicine

Me (11:49:28 PM): the tylone and advil

vp (11:49:35 PM): me, the pusher?

Me (11:49:36 PM): maybe it messed up my immue response

Me (11:49:38 PM): yes!

vp (11:49:42 PM): OMG

vp (11:49:51 PM): how un=fierce

Me (11:50:01 PM): lol

vp (11:50:11 PM): go to bed, have a good night, stay well

Me (11:50:11 PM): i haven'g got a cold or bug for like 3-4 years

Me (11:50:15 PM): thx for breaking the streak

Me (11:50:21 PM): ok u go have sex

Me (11:50:24 PM): ok?

Me (11:50:27 PM): u'd better have some sex -_-

vp (11:50:32 PM): and if you feel well enough, i'll see you tomorrow

Me (11:50:34 PM): swallow some jizz etc

vp (11:50:39 PM): night

vp (11:50:51 PM): and tasty too

Me (11:50:53 PM): lol

Me (11:50:55 PM): night night

A not meant to be story

This guy, let's call him Rod. It is his real nick name. He preferred me to call him Rod. He is black. The first black guy I have actually talked to and interested in. NOT IN A RACIST WAY for you over sensitive mofos out there. I am a proud member of the minority within the minority. Anyways... I just never got a chance. I don't know, from an Asian's perspective, black guys are pretty thuggy. They can dance really well.. A bit too well and they, a lot of times, look like they can break me in bed. Ok ok enough with the stereotypes right? I would consider it stereotype if I never experience it before. However, it is my own observation through my own experience, I think I do deserve that right.

We talked online and called each other almost immediately. He sounded very cute and our conversation went on and on as if we knew each other for years. He liked my humor and I liked how he played along. We met the next day.

He lives in this nice area in Korean Town. Yeah I know, shocking, you would think there is no nice areas in the downtown area in general. I mean the area surrounding my old apt in downtown (Orsini) was pretty swanky but let's just say that you would not want to walk around there at night. However, that small area he lived in was really impressive. It was very clean, green, and quiet, definitely a huge contrast to the adjacent streets. The city seemed to have a major episode of vomiting with loads of Korean restaurants and laundromats. It felt commercial, dirty, crowded, and very used up. Yet, in the midst of all this, there was this small virgin island hiding within. Tall palm trees somehow rendered that small street a sense of importance. I felt like I had a grand entrance when I approached his apartment. It was a sunny day, and I was in a good mood. I wasn't really nervous at all for some reason.

I went into this vintage apartment. Apparently, the patrons are consisted of gays and old jewish ladies only. He wasn't downstairs to greet me since he was still in the shower. So I called him twice and got a bit impatient. To my surprise he ran down stairs in his towels. And oh my.... giant chests with 8 packs. It was a major fantasy came into life moment with all the sparkles and imaginary doves flying around. I mean I have NEVER touched a 8 packs before and I thought I would never touch one this soon. There he was, a complete model body, big smile and very white teeth. I have to say that his teeth were fresh and tasted great. He had short hair which impressed me. I don't know I never liked guys with long hair. So we went upstairs to his room asap. He was kinda embarrassed how he presented himself. But I wasn't complaining at all. I wish the whole building knew that he was half naked in a towel with me. Yes, I am about to do this fucking hot black thug. Only if I had a bullhorn.

His room was very clean and simple yet stylish decoration magically brought a sense of warmth to this otherwise old and hollow room. His mac book was playing all kinds of music and he was scrambling about. He tried to finish his shower and getting dressed so we could go to lunch. I was laying on his bed and listening to him making all kinds noises in his bathroom. Eventually he came out and applied some sort of butter on his body so it was all smooth and shiny. Not the cheesy Barbara Walter's lens kinda shine. His skin was like living marble... I think that is the best way I can describe it.

We went to this chicken place. Stuff wasn't that impressive and I think calling it a chicken place would sum up my feeling toward it just fine. Then we went to have tea in this very nice tea house. Some cute Korean boys were serving us. The setting was very classic. All tables had classic wrought iron designs. I don't know... but I think I finally realized that I was on an actual date till that point. I mean this would be my first real date and you got all the necessary elements in it! The sexual tension, the sweet talk, and the brief soul glancing. It was all very romantic and sweet, and of course GAY. I mean seriously I think we made kinda obvious that we were dating openly at that point. It was also kinda tragic. I am 24 years old, have blown guys in my gym shower, and yet that day was the first time I had my first real date... sigh..

So we finished all this fancy dating stuff and went back to his apartment. I tried to be civil. I really tried to be calm. But I mean wtf right. I don't remember how and when exactly it happened. I just jumped on top of him and started to make out. He had very strong lips and grips and the tighter he squeezed me, the more pleasure I was getting out of that moment. So of course moaning ensued and I stripped him naked. Now, this 8 packs were all mine and they were onlly inches away from me.

TO MY DISMAY.... somehow I just realized at that moment that model bodies are fantastic to look at but hollow at touch. I mean he had almost no fat on this torso so it was just pure skin and ripped muscles. Yet I for some reason expect them to be more bulky at touch. I was imaging that these muscles would have lives of their own and my hands surely wouldn't be able to contain them. Yet those muscles, all that insane definition kinda just stopped there, under my hands like a painting. They didn't feel as big as I imagined and it was really hard to play with. There was NOTHING to get a grip on. I squeezed, and my hands would just slip off. I couldn't pick up any of those packs. I guess I must have been crazy before. I mean how could you expect to pick up one of the 8 pieces of muscles on his stomach. But seriously, before I touched, they looked so big and so lively, you might have just believed that you could pick them up and exam its definition closely.

Anyways, making out turned into blow jobs. It was a sure hit on my self confidence. He was a thick 7 inch and I could barely even just eat the whole thing... not mentioning a quality blow job. Yes, I think I was over powered by a dick and I was in a wtf moment for a while... You know, I thought I was kinda good at it, and only to realize that I was no where near being good at it in front of him. He said he wouldn't fuck unless we are in a relationship. I was like sweety that is perfectly fine with me, I mean I really wasn't sure if I wanted that thing in me. It only spelled pain for me at that time. So we messed around. He was biting my nipples (I think I just realized I have big nipples. Some gays love them apparently. The blogger from London Preppy even used a clamp to make his bigger... But I HATE THEM, they kinda poke too much at my T-shirts) squeezing my body, and when he finished with that phase, he applied a shit load of lubes on my stomach and started to rub his rod against my body. That was how he got off eventually. He shaved his body which supposed to be a good news. But unfortunately for me, some of the hair just started to grow back. They weren't visible, but I sure could feel them when they moved like razors on my pelvis. It was hot though, somewhat painful because he constantly squeezed me, but overall was very hot. Eventually he shot all over my body and I started to jack off. He kinda backed out a bit to avoid cum on his face I guess. But the sexual tension was so strong and the moment was so hot, my cum went up at least a foot and shot straight to his face between his eyes and nose. We both froze and started to laugh hysterically for probably 5 mins.

After that, I suddenly felt that my interest in him started to escape like water pushing through failed levee. He kept saying that he really liked me. I liked him too, really. He was a cool guy with good sense of style. He laughs a lot and he sings and dances. He is involved in many broadway shows and is still trying to record an album etc... He is a load of fun and I know he would be a great fucker. I mean, his dick didn't go down even a bit after he came. IT WAS AS HARD AS HE STARTED. I didn't know it was biologically possible.... I actually asked him if that thing ever takes a break and goes down. He said if he wanted to, he could keep it up quite a long time...

When we cleaned up, we started to talk more about career, relationships and family etc... He showed me a lot of pictures of his friends. Man may I just say they were all pretty gorgeous. One of his black friends looks like a soap star and another Asian friend of his is already a model. I don't know... I never see myself actually having a relationship with someone like this. I always thought my future husband would be an i-banker...

I was ready to go.

He said,

"let's have dinner."
"ah I think I really should go."
"I see... Well You got what you wanted now you are ready to leave."
"it is not like that, I actually really like you."
"haha no you don't. You play it well."

I felt kinda stupid at that moment. I guess it was kinda obvious that I wasn't going to have a relationship with him and that was what he was looking for.

"ok let's go have dinner since I really do enjoy spending time with you even though you really don't believe me at this moment."

So we went to Fat Fish for dinner. At this point, conversation became more of a MOOOO point. Nothing significant or substantial going on and we were just killing time. Still chill and good conversation though....On the way back, he said,

"Sleep over tonight. Just tonight."

"I really can't I really have to go, got family stuff going tonight.... I will call you tomorrow."

"Ahhaha, no David, you will never call me."

"why are you saying that, I will call you."

"stay over no?"

"I really can't"

"alright, I really had a good time and I really like you. Anyways, good bye david."

It sounded so sad... I really wished there was more. I don't know. I just didn't see a future. We would be great together for a couple months. What happens after that? My theory is that if it is not gonna last why bother. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I know... the way I think about relationship is probably messed up. But I just feel i can't really trust anyone or anything when it comes to this...

I went home and texted him right away. We said our good nights.

He went back to Florida for Christmas and I texted him again on the eve.

That was it. No more contact from Rod.

I kinda miss him. I do wonder sometimes, what if I wasn't such a douche, maybe I have a boyfriend right now. Did I mention he is also a yoga instructor!

I still wonder today. I still have his number... maybe I should call him.

oh yeah... he deleted his account the 3rd day after we dated. I texted him and asked why. He said he hated that website. It is not real and he wants something real.

I am real and I just really wish I could see something between us. I just can't see it no matter how hard I tried. I guess chemistry and sex aren't everything even when I am young. But what really gives? Talking about having a baby and a family already sound insane to me. So what is the intermediate step there? I dont really know...

I think I should call Rod sometimes. He said he would go to Atlanta for a show for 2 months. Is he back to LA yet? He probably has a cute boyfriend by now already.

Conversation at the gym

it is between me and my trainer. trainer = T me=me.

Scene 1, first 5 mins at the gym warming up before my routine with my trainer.

me, "i noticed that you guys started to hire a lot of gay receptionist, what is up with that."

T, "I know."

me, "like the new guy he is pretty cute and gay for sure."
me, "now you got two gay front desk people with the ladies, gay it up."

T, "yeah but one of them doesn't know he is gay."

me, "what do you mean. you mean the new one doesn't know?"

T, "no, the tall one."

me, "you kidding?"

T, "man I dont know, he is either not comfortable or just really is clueless."

me, "but he is sooo gay."

Lady next to us doing cardio, "wow, really. just like on the weekend, there was this super fem guy talking about how much he loved my nails and wanted to dance with me."

me, "aww I hope he realizes it soon, that is horrible."

T, "yeah I know. like he still tells me which girl is so hot and stuff, i am like you've got to be kidding me."

me, "aww such a clueless sweety..."

---

scene two

on the bench doing bench press.

T, "so peter knows that you gay now too."

me, "wait who?"

T, "your first trainer, the one you fired."

me, "oh, he didn't already know? who told him now then."

T, 'ah... I kinda did. I just mentioned it, and he was like now it makes sense."

me, "wait what? what does he mean by that?"

T, "I don't know..."

(by all means, if I don't want to show, no one would know).

me, "hmmmm..."

T, "what?"

me, "that kinda bugs me, should I confront him about that?"

T shrugs.

---

Scene three,

10 mins later, at another bench doing shoulders.

I saw that asshole trainer Peter training someone.

So I said hi, and then interrupted their routine.

me, "so what do you mean by 'that makes so much sense now.' "

Peter, "huh?" (his client looked on)

me, "T just told you that I was gay, and you said 'that makes so much sense now, what the hell do you mean by that?'"

....

Peter, "nothing, you know, nothing."

I laugh, "uh huh..." (his client looked on)

T blushed, Peter looked awkward, client was confused. Harrassment accomplished.

---

Scene 4

10 mins later doing biceps.

me, "it still bugs me."

T, "what does."

me, "he made that comment, that is kinda insulting and annoying."

T, "oh"

putting the weights down, my expression changed a little, with a smirk on my face

me, "I think I should sue him so that he would be fire for discrimination, I am sure the gym will drop him in a heart beat. Yeah, I think I should, since I have the rights and discretion and all."

T looked a bit concerned and confused if I was joking or not,

"wow, I guess we know not to piss you off."

me, "come on, this town is run by gays, especially this gym, as you know full well. It is LA, pissing off gays would be a bad idea I think."

Then I laughed, so he knew I was joking, sorta

---

Scene 5

T, "what do you mean this is too heavy, we did it before how come you think it si too heavy now."

me, "it is 100 lb bar! I couldn't do deadlift on it, but I think I can do it now. It is a bit too heavy to maintain my form."

T, "let me see how you do it."

demonstrated.

T, "remember to push your ass back out, you know like this, like way extended, like this."

me, "like ready to get fucked?"

T, "precisely."

me, "alright, now i get it."

---

Scene 6

In the meeting room.

T, "take off your shirt let me evaluate your body."

took the shirt off.

T, "omg, wow. just kidding."

Fingers waving.

T, "I think you made great progress, like the arm, shoulders etc, you should be happy about all the good results, just try to do more cardio from now on. Good job, but you are still kinda fat."

me, "thanks T, I like you too."

the end

life doesn't stop

My life has been pretty routine. Routine is a good thing in many ways. It reinforces discipline. But routine is also dreadful, boring, and scary at the same time. I have been working, then working out, then sleeping everyday. It feels pretty mechanical. However, I am comfortable to do so because I still feel that I am not going to do this for the rest of my life. The unsettling feeling, the drive to continue to move forward has never weakened even though the routine has pretty much settled in my life. I think I would be pretty scared one day that I feel content at what I am doing. I think I would be scared to feel content at any moment for that matter. Being content means you have reached the top and the only thing left to do is to wait till death slowly arrives. That, is pretty scary.

As everyone, including myself, settling into routines after routines, life does however changes in many major ways. You could really see it and feel it if you just stop for a second and look at what has become routine that were never there before. Then you wonder, how the hell did it come to this point.

--

A really close friend of mine got into a heated argument with me about half year ago and we stopped talking for 5 months. I felt like that we reached a point where we are all old enough to have too much self respect to tolerate stupid nonsense from each other. She knew what she wanted and I knew how I wanted to be treated. So I was ready to move on. She wasn't going to apologize and i wasn't going to talk to her untill she does. Yeah sounds immature. But let's just say that I really had my reasons. What really pissed me off was that out of all the possible scenarios, she chose to believe that I overacted due to my jealousy. Anyways... so we stopped talking for 5 months. I thought I was fine. I mean I was busy with all my routines, work, working out, going out, random sexes (not as much as I should have though), snowboard... whatever that the so called life has to offer. I thought I totally moved on. However, about 1 month ago, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about her subconciously. Three weeks ago, I had a dream in which we were hanging out like the old times. We laughed and laughed. We laughed so hard that our abs were having a good workout. That is really how we used to laugh and it felt so good in the dream. My dream ended in laughters and when I woke up, the sense of satisfaction and happiness still lingered. 2 hours later at work, I saw her name on msn messager. So I was like what the hell, I should really follow my heart. So I said hi and she replied instantly. I told her about my dream and she responded with her cute attitude. Everything felt good. Our conversation was short and sweet and I was really happy that whole day.

--

She called me today at lunch time. i didn't recognize the number but I knew that voice the first second I heard it. She just came back from Asia and she was really tired. So I told her to call me anytime soon to hang out.

Since we stopped talking, I have wondered what she was up to occasionally. Did she take the job from Dior? Is she still with her not so impressive boyfriend? I didn't ask any of those questions in our brief conversations online or on the phone.

Another friend of mine recently told me that she was still with her boyfriend due to her updated pictures on facebook. I actually checked her profile one day before my friend told me that and her status was "single" when I checked. Today when I logged on again, it's changed to "engaged". Then I checked her pictures. Apparently, she didn't not only go to Asia for vacation but also has brought her boyfriend back to her home and met with her parents. I was a bit startled. I have really examined our rocky relationship from our small arguments here and there to that big confrontation. Was I jealous of her boyfriend? Was I dissatisfied with the lack of attention that I once commanded from her? After some soul searching, I can confidently say it is neither. I think if I had a sister, it'd be just like her. She is probably the only person that I can truly say that I will not get jealous of. I don't know. I guess if you really love someone, that love can really be unconditional. I think I really did have a little bit taste of how having siblings feels, or maybe even how being a parent feels. Maybe that is why I was so mad that she accused me of being jealous since I felt all along that both of us knew jealousy would be the most unlikely issue between us.

So why does the "engaged" status bother me? After all, it is facebook. People engaged each other all the time. I mean if I take that seriously, I might just as well take John McCain seriously. I guess suddenly I felt a bit old. I felt the routines in my life and the decisions that I made have affected my life. The youngest in my group that I have ever known has just introduced her boyfriend to her parents and possibly got engaged over a winter trip. The baby is doing something so ... mature? I don't want to use the word mature because I think mature is peace of mind; it is a mental stability that can only come with experience and age. I guess the right description should be "adult like"? It is mature but it is kinda like an act. Anyways that is besides the point. If I had hopes about of us getting back to how we used to be, like the almost nine years that we have known each other, are all lost. People are truly moving on to all directions as they age and everything is bound to change. It is like how we are created. A sperm and an egg get together then the cell start to split split and split. It is inevitable and the result is something alive. I guess it is good?

--

Tomorrow is V-day. Inevitably I feel a bit down since I do not have a Valentine. I actually never had a valentine. Before coming out it is the struggle of just balancing a normal life; after coming out, it is the struggle of not having casual meaningless sex. What I really want is someone who can make me feel safe. I think I have always felt like everything will inevitably change no matter how hard you try and relationship is something that is working against this nature of human being. In that sense I have no faith in relationship and despite that I may appear to be very friendly and confident at times, I feel so fragile inside. I need someone to show me that change is not a route that we have to go down no matter what happens. I need someone to show me that peace of mind or least to bring that hope. Living in LA, without that blind confident and faith, plus the perpetual self-doubts, esteem issues, it is just really tiring sometimes. As the night approaches, my hope seems to be so fragile and naive.

LA has tunred into a frozen hell

By LA standard of course. It is freezing 40 degrees. I think I am not speaking just for myself when I say we are all broken due to the sub zero temperature. ok maybe a bit exaggerated. But you get the idea how I feel right now.

It is 1:00am and I have to wake up in 4 hours to go to Big Bear Mountain for snowboard. It should be fun you know. Supposedly we got about 1 foot snow, powder. Plus there is a blizzard moving in tommorrow, so we will be all buried under snow while we snowboard. yeay~~~ fun.... >_<...

I actually start to enjoy snowboarding. I don't know what it is this season, somehow I just got better at it. I still have trouble on my toe position and switching positions usually results in a dramatic tumbling fall. But if I really just want to enjoy the ride I could heel down the entire trip fairly fast. So there is always this option to just go down and pretend I am kinda good. But I am making progress. As long as I am improving I am happy. It is for fun anyway. I am not competing in Olympics anytime soon. That being said, I do not understand why my friend thinks that 6:00am departure time is absolutely necessary. I think 4-5 hours of boarding is fun, but 8 hours sound a bit like a training session. Besides, if a blizzard really moves in on us while we are on the mountain, I would be actually kinda pissed. It'd hard enough to learn with a clear weather, you know, when you are kinda warm and able to SEE stuff in front of you. (side note, I crashed into him, I think I almost chopped his chin off last time). I just can't imagine how miserable it'd be when I stand there for 10 mins to get a on a lift which takes another 10 mins to get to the top. While I am in air, the wind chill will probably just freeze me. But I DO KNOw how good powder snow feels, so I guess I should stop bitching and moaning and just enjoy the trip.

But I have to mention is that simple things kinda reflect how individuals differ from each other. For me, fun and relaxation are first priorities when it comes to recreation. It doesn't mean that I don't take on challenges; I just simply like to do things without much constrain. On the other hand, my friend has a military kind of style. Especially when it comes to physical activities. He could go on forever till his body crashes and burns. I just don't see the point. I like to savor the details and go for long term entertainment. I want to make every trip of mine a pleasant one. Nothing is over indulged so that I always want more. I do like epic trips but I do not like epic trips resulting 1 week of rehabilitation.

I don't know why I am going on and on about this, I just think it is kinda interesting to see the difference. It is like a mirror that reflects how you live your life in a way really. Well at least it is interesting to reflect on this now. I am telling you, I was not happy when I received a text this morning at 8 30, stuck in traffic on the free way, which read "just a heads up, we are leaving at 6 sharp, do not be late". I kinda wanted to punch him.

Anyways... sleeping now. For sure I will need it. hmmm you know what, I am gonna sleep all the way to the mountain as my way of protesting this god forsaken early hour departure...

A poor night of sleep >_<

Well, drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato at 11pm is not a good idea.

I don't know what it was. Maybe the coffee, or maybe the new workout routine that drained me, I couldn't really rest easily in my bed at 2:00am in morning. Or maybe because for some strange reason I decided to sleep nude. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't able to sleep till 3:30am in the morning. I think I finally dozed off around 4am. Then I spent the next 3 and half hours to create one of my most disturbing, absurd, and bloody dreams in my life. I mean I have had plenty very graphic and violent dreams that seem to be very random and unsettling. But I don't think I am an aggressive person and I definitely DO NOT have killing potentials. But some of my dreams just kinda scare myself. They kinda make you wonder, WHERE THE HELL did that come from. Very creepy.

This dream... I still remember some of the details.

Basically it was a group adventure that has gone wrong. You know, like the Hostel or SAW series. There were about 4-6 people in the group, whose faces were really not recognizable. All I remembered was there there were white and Asian girls and guys in this group and we were having an adventure. Then we were chased off by a horde of sword wielding people who vowed to catch us and prosecute us. So we ran. Then there was this room we saw after running a long time and we went in. We couldn't go further and the army approached. Suddenly, I discovered a seal. Well more like a giant tarot card that had some Asian symbols on it. I thought it was Chinese. So I put this card in the middle of the door, and the card split into 10 and formed a long card tape that shielded us from the army. The leader of the army was visibly upset and didn't want to give up. His face was bloody red with bulking giant eyes that were half popped out that round red balloon like face. He stopped the army. Although angry and determined he didn't move forward. Then I realized that the card was actually a some sort of curse. Unless we figured out a way to wield the cards, they were going to kill us. The cards made noise and started to make its killing rounds. Somehow the whole process is more like a music chair. There were sound and the cards move then one person in my group would die violently once the sound is gone. You know it is like a mechanical reaper that randomly chopping people's head off. It was chaotic, scary and bloody. All I remembered was blood was going EVERY WHERE. By the 3rd round, we somehow ended up in a bath tub and pan sized blood clogs sprang out of nowhere and started to flood the tub and drowning us. The last person who died was a girl and I remembered seeing her laying there pale. Then I woke up feeling distraught and dizzy. It was approximately 7:10am.

So can you even imagine how I felt the whole day...

I don't know. I blame it on CNN. As much as I LOVVVEE their live video news with all these fabulous looking anchors, I really do not like the news I hear everyday. I mean seriously let me just do a quick recount of what I heard for the past week:

• Primaries (ok this one is fun, I love it and I love the debates etc but I think it is still high stress level kinda of a news)


• Pregnant marine was murdered by a fellow marine who allegedly raped and killed her and now is on the run in Mexico.


• Kenya's controversial election that started this nationwide uproar that has killed hundreds of people and it seems that there is no end to it any time soon.


• 25 year old hiker was killed AND Decapitated by a 60 year old freak while she was on a simple hike.


• American dollars have been weakening, I mean it is stressful right?


• A dude named Mark Jenson who allegedly poisoned his wife to death so that he could start a new marriage. Oh that only that his wife refused to die, so he sat on her and put a pillow over her face till she suffocated to death. Allegedly of course.


• Death tow still rising for our troops.


• Blasts that kill 6 injured 20 something as Bush left Saudi for peace talks.


• Gaza riot, missile tossing, death.

I don't know. As I prepare the statement for the rich and privileged, and listening to these beautiful anchors reporting the breaking news all over the world, somehow all I can hear and see is tragedy.

It is quite stressful I would say. So I guess I really can't blame it on CNN, I blame it on humanity.

---

On a different note, this is my future husband and he just doens't know it yet.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/aqui.reggie.html

Is it too late to make a resolution? lol

Well my first one will be "blogging more". haha..... i know right.

I don't know what is with the laziness lately. I think I can safely blame this on work. I get off work around 6 and get to the gym around 7 then head home around 830. Once home I eat and play some video games etc it'd be around 10:30 to 11;00 and it is about time to sleep. On the weekends I usually go out or snowboard.

Talking about snowboarding! I have gone twice this season and the second time I made a great improvement. Now I can switch from heel to toe position... well 5 times in total in 3.5 hours last time I went lol... It is STILL progress! As long as I make improvements I am happy. I have my whole life ahead of me to constantly make improvements in everything that I do right? Now I wish SoCal could be colder and rain more in the winter so that we could have much more snow to play with. Slushy and icy slopes are just kinda painful to look at and to fall on. Also I wish that I had a place up there so we don't have to rush to the mountain early in the day and come back around 11pm at night. Though the view is so beautiful at night. Looking down from the mountain slopes, you can see millions of lights clustered together in the Los Angeles general area. It looks awfully peaceful. It is quite soothing for a long day of snowboarding. Well but we all know it is probably anything but peaceful, I am sure shit loads of people are fucking their brains out while I am mesmerized by their household lights.

My friendship with my director has gone on really well. Actually I heard he is the VP now. That I will have to confirm with him. We went out to dinner last Friday again. I had veal piccata and it was really good plus it was free lol~~~. I kinda treat him like my gay dad and we talk about everything from dating, sex, and cleansing.. lol~~~~~~~~~ yeah it was a very hilarious conversation and I liked how he kept drinking more Scotch every time i ask another question. He bought a really nice place in West Hollywood and his guest parking has been very useful. Now I can always park for free when I am in the gay central! It is such a relief considering I already got 3 tickets in this stupid city -o-.....

As you can tell my post has been random and tame. It is really how I feel about my life right now. Days just kinda go on and it never feels more like life. Kinda routine, kinda comforting and yet kinda scary. I really don't want to turn into a cow..

---

I have officially established a fuck buddy relationship with this Hispanic guy. I guess as we fuck more I really have to express more about what I WANT during sex. He is always kinda in a hurry kinda guy which is never too good for the bottom boy =/.

Oh I also hooked up with a friend's friend to whom I am not attracted to all that much in terms of establishing a relationship. But fucking wise? I think he is pretty good, he actually knows what he is doing and usually can finish the job with some good twists...

Yet again and again, as I mentioned many times before, they don't seem to bring on the thrill. I think I am still very fond of the idea of a hot boyfriend who can cook. Don't ask me about the cooking part I just think getting taken care of is very important lol. But I can't complain too much. It never hurts to have more gay friends I guess. This friend of a friend is very friendly and knows a lot of people in the gay clubs. Of course he also knows where the parties are so I guess it is beneficial.

Talking about going out...

I went to Abbey's on Saturday night. Well I tried to go to Abbey. The line was more than a block long and people were still pouring in. It didn't look like there was a special event or anything. I felt kinda bad because the friend of a friend was there with his friend around 930 and I got to the line at 11pm. So I called them and they actually came out and decided to go somewhere else. I think I have mentioned his friend before. He was this half Asian half black guy who looked pretty hot. He came in town for some LA party tonight. Last time we were flirting back and forth like crazy and this time I just wanted to fuck. According to others he was interested. Stupid me that I actually thought it'd be a done deal. So we went to this club called Factory and started dancing over there. We were touching and dancing. Talking dirty a bit. But then as the night went out, I realized that he was just being very friendly instead of sexual. So when I asked him when he wanted to leave he said he wanted to stay and there were lots guys, I kinda got the hint. Dang dang dang, rejections. sigh.... so sad. So I immediately left him alone. He then went around as usual... without his tank top... dancing with his gigantic chest... Well fuck it, you know what he DOES wear sunglasses in a night club so maybe it is really not that big of a loss...

So I went around the club and determined to have a good time. On the other hand, friend of a friend was very horny and begged to fuck the whole night. I think I was clearly not interested ESPECIALLY after I got rejected. So whenever he leaned in for a kiss or something I kinda just stood there. Walking around I saw this guy who had nice chest and wearing a baseball cap. I thought he was pretty hot and went for a conversation. Of course I am half legally blind and I refuse to wear a pair of glasses in a club! So when I got up to him I realized he had gray beard.... But I was there already, so I think I will just be friendly and leave. I asked him if he wanted to dance and he said no thank you. I was like omfg screw you grandpa. You know it is the worst when you are just being nice and then they have that Hotter than Thou attitude. You can't have tha attitude when you have salt and pepper beard. God I felt so cheap. So I just decided to dance the night away with friends. It was a better choice actually... Since I had so much sexual tension AND frustration built up I was very energetic. The gays kept offering me drugs. I dont know... Can't people rock out sober? Well apparently not, I think 70% of the crowd was on something.... OH yeah , there was this suppppeeerrrr hot guy who danced like a pop star, absolutely stunning. He had a bunch gay friends dancing along with him. I was around and talking to the hot guy's friend and saying how good he danced. Then his friend handed me a card, which reads "explicit strippers"... Well that explains his professional skills... He was also on a cocktail. Apparently the Gatorade that he was drinking was a mixture of Gatorade, alcohol, Ecstasy, and some other flavorful candy.

I danced and danced, shirt off without knowing how and when. When I checked time again, it was 5:00am... So I bid farewell to my friends and drove home. Tired as fuck and couldn't sleep. So I hooked up with my hands and play some video game and eventually passed out around 7 AM...

Story of my life sigh -_-....

I shall blog

A lot of things are happening actually... too lazy to update but that should change, since i am putting blogging on my resolution list!

---

let me talk about things that are pretty important first.

I have this 52 year old director at work who is gay. Yeah, shocking, gay and entertainment industry. I sensed his homosexuality from day one but thought that it would stupid to ask him "are you gay". If he is, then, it could still be awkward, and if he is not, it will just be disastrous. So I kept talking to him and waited. One day, he gave me a hint. He said something about his partner. I was like bingo~~~~.... So I went to his office and told him I was gay as well. I kept the coming out very short so we wouldn't stay in his office and staring at each other. Then we had lunch together a week after. I don't know, I guess I am better with gays. I felt very comfortable talking to him even for the first time. We talked about random things and I told him about my fear to ask him about his sexuality prior to his hint. He said it was actually very touching for him that I came out to him right away. It made him feel that much better about being out and representing gays for the younger generation. We both agreed that at least in L.A., if you are just comfortable with it, most likely others would not think about it twice. It was indeed comforting to see the change nowadays. I still remembered back in my middle school, there was this kid made a comment that was just a little bit gay and the whole school made a big deal out of it - even the teacher!, jeebus... the horror.

After this lunch, he would stop by regularly and chat with me. I would do the same. However, things didn't get quite intimate till last week. I am not talking about having sex! pervs, no. You see, at our company, we have a LGBT group and they do a monthly mixer event at this gay lounge in west Hollywood. I thought it'd be nice if we all just go there to hang out. So I forwarded this email to my director and he happily agreed to go. I was abit late , well 30 nins late according to our initial estimated arrival time. I wasn't worried since it was going to be a mixer event which means there would be a lot of people to mingle with. I was so wrong. When I arrived, apparently the only two faithful mixer attendees were my director and I. He of course stayed there alone for 30 mins. I felt so bad... But he was talking to some strangers to kill time, so that was a bit of a comfort for me. Just a side note, I think my director is pretty cute. He must have been super popular back in his 20s. So we started to drink a little and talked. It was actually very nice. I was kinda surprised that it wasn't hard at all to have a conversation with someone who is twice my age.

The conversation became much more informal and the subjects jump from work relations, private relationship, to even sex. I like how he took everything so casually. It was especially funny when I asked that if there were lots orgies back in the 70s. He smiled and said, why not. lol... he was so fun to talk to.

However, the most impressive conversation also happened during that night and it wasn't about sex and boys. You see, I have been in this hiv panic attack mode again lately, so I tested myself prior to the night out with the director. It was negative. The first person I texted was actually him. His reply was "good and stay that way". Also, I have to add a little back story here. When we were having lunch that week after I came out to him, he said that his first love got really sick and passed away. I already knew it must have been from HIV, and if it was in the late 70s and early 80s there wouldn't be any HIV protection awareness. So mostly likely he probably got it too. But he looked very healthy and very upbeat. So it was possible that he used protection. Anyways, as our conversation became more private and the tones became more casual, we all eased up even more. I asked,

"Do you mind if you ask what happened to your first serious boyfriend. You said he got really sick and passed away."

"He had some serious brain disease that was triggered by hiv complications. Hm... I can tell you without much confidence that I am also positive..."

"Ah it is really ok. I mean when you told me your boyfriend died and it was in the 70s, unless I am really stupid, I should be able to think of that. And it is totally ok with me. It is the reality and it is part of our lives..."

"Right..."

"I can tell that you really loved your first boyfriend, because even till today your tone just changes a little bit , a bit more tender whenever you mention him."

"Yes, I loved him very much and he will always have a special place... Ah... I didn't want to tell you this, but we talked about this hehe, how did we start talking about this" (kind of a Barbara Walter's interview moment).

"It is alright really."

I don't know... it is just something that I saw it coming but somehow still felt very profound when he admitted it. I especially could feel his sincerity when he told me to be really careful. He said he got it from his loved one and there would be no regret. Sure, if there were more information and people were more educated they both probably would have done things differently. But he said it'd be really not worth it for some strange guy that hook up with.

He said that he was lucky that his immune system held up for 10 years till he received medical treatment. Apparently the strain of virus is somewhat mild and he is doing just fine.

Our conversation moved from there to finances, relationships, more sex, and west Hollywood in general. We both pretty much went kind far in terms of the topics we brought forth for discussion. I mean it is kinda unconventional since he is afterall a 4 levels above me professionally, and I do see him everyday. However, it was hard to resist to share the thoughts. I think he felt the same way. I guess we both found it comforting to talk about things without the conventional restrictions and yet both were a little surprised how far we were going with it.

Anyways, I felt great about the whole thing and we both had a good time.

It was very windy that day in LA. The wind was wailing throughout the night. It felt kinda surreal, a bit like the end of the world depicted in Will Smith's "I am Legend". However, I have never felt better that night. It was just a regular night out with someone who was gay and older and it was certainly not a date. But I just felt really good about it. The little lounge we stayed at, was one of the first gay establishment in West Hollywood. It is quite cozy and comfy inside. I felt warm and safe there and I somehow could feel the past. oh, if you want to check it out, it is called East/West Lounge.

More things to talk about, to be continued...