The sweetest thing

Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.

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I think I am bipolar, just a little bit.  That is why I am always trying not to be too happy because I feel as if at the peak of happiness, I would simply crash and burn into an emotional abyss.  Today is one of those days.  

Lately I have been extremely unsatisfied with my job.  It is not where I want my career to be.  I am yet swarmed by the mundane things everyday.  I have been doing what the senior analyst does most of the time with the junior analyst pay.  In the beginning I was excited because I could see things from a different perspective and I could sense that I might learn much more and have a better idea of what this business is all about.  I thought I would finally get something really valuable out of it.  It was a new start.  However, after one quarter of doing it, I realized that nothing has really changed.  I am more of a mess cleaner.  Instead of doing the work from scratch, I am just cleaning up the mess that bunch new hires are making.  I can tell some of them just don't give a shit as well, they probably hate the job, so the their work is always like diarrhea in a toilet bowl.  No matter how hard I try, I am bound to miss a shit spot.  I asked my manager to help with another group that involves a totally different aspect of the business and yet he continues to give those work to the newer hires since we are short on the review process.  So now they just shit all over in that group too.  People in that group always complains to me how badly the work quality is.  But what can we do, the entire environment doesn't promote competition and doesn't reward competition fairly anyway. 

I don't know I am just very confused about what is about to happen.  

In addition, stock market has taken another nose dive.  I never thought the big 3 auto maker would have made such a dent on my investment.  But stupid me right?  Who knew these CEOs would take their extremely luxurious private jet to Washington D.C. and then beg for money.  Now whose fault is this.  It is a mess that has become a vicious circle which will not be defeated unless you implement policy that would be equivalent to a bone marrow transplant procedure to the entire auto industry in the U.S.  

Then we had a 2 hours training in the afternoon.  I actually liked the training because it was meaningful and interesting.  I felt my brain was breaking the rust during the training process.  I felt a bit more alive.   But the AC was extremely cold and my ice coffee just made me feel like I was getting sick.  I did feel awful toward the end of the day.  

However, I was determined to workout today.  So it went, a grueling leg workout that put me in a complete physical shock.  During my leg workout, I felt pain on my ring finger.  This finger is a bad finger.  When I was 9, a friend of mom's accidentally discovered that I had a lump on that finger.  So we checked it and it was said to be a bone cluster, nothing big, but we should keep an eye on it in case it becomes a tumor and turn into cancer.  Thinking back, I probably should have taken their conclusion with grain of salt since those doctors in my hometown, especially back in the days, were mostly idiots.  They would do anything to get patients to have a surgery so they could get a lot of profit out of it.  However, as cynical as I am, this finger has been perpetually haunting me since then.  I always felt that it would turn into cancer (I have bad luck with disease, I actually have a pretty bad one right now, I meant to write about it but always pushed it off).  So today after the pain on that finger, I touched it.  The lump was clearly bigger and the position of it was in the middle section of the finger.   It felt so big.  Of course I immediately had a cancer scare.  But I kept going with my routine and felt dead afterward. 

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend after the gym but she bailed on me.  So I went home feeling really sad, worried and alone.  Considering I was laughing my ass off during lunch, what a huge difference it has been in 5 hours!  

Then I saw the video.  It made me cry.  I couldn't control my tears.  I wasn't hysterical or sad.  I just felt touched.  It was like a warm hearty soup in a cold winter night.  It made me feel like today was Christmas.  I felt that people still do care.  I cried for a bit, then felt much better. 

I think I will call the USC cancer center tomorrow.  I already have a patient card from there - two years ago I went in to check my balls for cancer because I felt a couple of lumps on it.  I think the ball checking was legit but no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, I will check my finger.  Oh yeah I will have to schedule a HIV test as well.  I let a guy slide his giant cock in my ass for like 5 seconds in my gym, stupid indeed.  Wouldn't this be the saddest way to get infected?  It wasn't even full on sex. 

God wtf is going on.