I shall blog

A lot of things are happening actually... too lazy to update but that should change, since i am putting blogging on my resolution list!

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let me talk about things that are pretty important first.

I have this 52 year old director at work who is gay. Yeah, shocking, gay and entertainment industry. I sensed his homosexuality from day one but thought that it would stupid to ask him "are you gay". If he is, then, it could still be awkward, and if he is not, it will just be disastrous. So I kept talking to him and waited. One day, he gave me a hint. He said something about his partner. I was like bingo~~~~.... So I went to his office and told him I was gay as well. I kept the coming out very short so we wouldn't stay in his office and staring at each other. Then we had lunch together a week after. I don't know, I guess I am better with gays. I felt very comfortable talking to him even for the first time. We talked about random things and I told him about my fear to ask him about his sexuality prior to his hint. He said it was actually very touching for him that I came out to him right away. It made him feel that much better about being out and representing gays for the younger generation. We both agreed that at least in L.A., if you are just comfortable with it, most likely others would not think about it twice. It was indeed comforting to see the change nowadays. I still remembered back in my middle school, there was this kid made a comment that was just a little bit gay and the whole school made a big deal out of it - even the teacher!, jeebus... the horror.

After this lunch, he would stop by regularly and chat with me. I would do the same. However, things didn't get quite intimate till last week. I am not talking about having sex! pervs, no. You see, at our company, we have a LGBT group and they do a monthly mixer event at this gay lounge in west Hollywood. I thought it'd be nice if we all just go there to hang out. So I forwarded this email to my director and he happily agreed to go. I was abit late , well 30 nins late according to our initial estimated arrival time. I wasn't worried since it was going to be a mixer event which means there would be a lot of people to mingle with. I was so wrong. When I arrived, apparently the only two faithful mixer attendees were my director and I. He of course stayed there alone for 30 mins. I felt so bad... But he was talking to some strangers to kill time, so that was a bit of a comfort for me. Just a side note, I think my director is pretty cute. He must have been super popular back in his 20s. So we started to drink a little and talked. It was actually very nice. I was kinda surprised that it wasn't hard at all to have a conversation with someone who is twice my age.

The conversation became much more informal and the subjects jump from work relations, private relationship, to even sex. I like how he took everything so casually. It was especially funny when I asked that if there were lots orgies back in the 70s. He smiled and said, why not. lol... he was so fun to talk to.

However, the most impressive conversation also happened during that night and it wasn't about sex and boys. You see, I have been in this hiv panic attack mode again lately, so I tested myself prior to the night out with the director. It was negative. The first person I texted was actually him. His reply was "good and stay that way". Also, I have to add a little back story here. When we were having lunch that week after I came out to him, he said that his first love got really sick and passed away. I already knew it must have been from HIV, and if it was in the late 70s and early 80s there wouldn't be any HIV protection awareness. So mostly likely he probably got it too. But he looked very healthy and very upbeat. So it was possible that he used protection. Anyways, as our conversation became more private and the tones became more casual, we all eased up even more. I asked,

"Do you mind if you ask what happened to your first serious boyfriend. You said he got really sick and passed away."

"He had some serious brain disease that was triggered by hiv complications. Hm... I can tell you without much confidence that I am also positive..."

"Ah it is really ok. I mean when you told me your boyfriend died and it was in the 70s, unless I am really stupid, I should be able to think of that. And it is totally ok with me. It is the reality and it is part of our lives..."

"Right..."

"I can tell that you really loved your first boyfriend, because even till today your tone just changes a little bit , a bit more tender whenever you mention him."

"Yes, I loved him very much and he will always have a special place... Ah... I didn't want to tell you this, but we talked about this hehe, how did we start talking about this" (kind of a Barbara Walter's interview moment).

"It is alright really."

I don't know... it is just something that I saw it coming but somehow still felt very profound when he admitted it. I especially could feel his sincerity when he told me to be really careful. He said he got it from his loved one and there would be no regret. Sure, if there were more information and people were more educated they both probably would have done things differently. But he said it'd be really not worth it for some strange guy that hook up with.

He said that he was lucky that his immune system held up for 10 years till he received medical treatment. Apparently the strain of virus is somewhat mild and he is doing just fine.

Our conversation moved from there to finances, relationships, more sex, and west Hollywood in general. We both pretty much went kind far in terms of the topics we brought forth for discussion. I mean it is kinda unconventional since he is afterall a 4 levels above me professionally, and I do see him everyday. However, it was hard to resist to share the thoughts. I think he felt the same way. I guess we both found it comforting to talk about things without the conventional restrictions and yet both were a little surprised how far we were going with it.

Anyways, I felt great about the whole thing and we both had a good time.

It was very windy that day in LA. The wind was wailing throughout the night. It felt kinda surreal, a bit like the end of the world depicted in Will Smith's "I am Legend". However, I have never felt better that night. It was just a regular night out with someone who was gay and older and it was certainly not a date. But I just felt really good about it. The little lounge we stayed at, was one of the first gay establishment in West Hollywood. It is quite cozy and comfy inside. I felt warm and safe there and I somehow could feel the past. oh, if you want to check it out, it is called East/West Lounge.

More things to talk about, to be continued...