That is how I feel lately. Everything has become a steady motion yet nothing is really for certain.
Work has been increasing in quantity at a steady pace since the beginning of this quarter and I have definitely learned to adapt to this rather dull schedule. I wake around 7am and get to work a bit after 8 and work until 630ish. This is an already revised schedule. Maybe because I have adapted or the management just managements the work load better for everyone now, I have stopped working more than 10 hours a day in recent two weeks. Before this, I usually wake up at 630 and leave work around 730 to 8 every freaking day. After working, 3 days out of 5 I will go to the gym and spend a good 2 hours in that general area. Get home around 9pm, eat a bit, then go online, check emails, play a bit video games then sleep. THEN repeat it 5 times and this is how a week is killed under the forever moving wheel of life.
Luckily I have my cousin living at my house right now. She has given me a taste of how a sibling would feel like in one's life. I really like it. But I do feel a bit sour at the same time since I have wished for a sibling since my teen years and this new found bounding experience doesn't justify my long delay hunger for companionship. I feel I am wronged on that one. Again, that is probably due to my single child mentality; I feel wronged very often since I am the center of the universe right hehehehe.
Aside from my work and workout, I have also thrown studying in the mix. My first CFA exam is in December and I am well behind schedule. So now I throw in about 8-10 hours studying a week to catch up. As of today, I think I would still be tremendously behind given the 10 hours contribution a week. So now I plan to kick it up to 15 hours a week for studying next week. Arrggg.....
I do all these different things, trying to move forward in my life, professionally, physically and academically. But do these efforts matter? Will they make a real difference. Lehman Brothers are heading straight to bankruptcy as of today, Merrill Lynch will be bought by BofA. These people are the expert at the finance field. Yet they faltered under the peer pressure of irresponsible investments, poor governing oversight, and aggressive valuation. Again and again, Wall Street digs up the ancient tombs for the new braves with too much testicular courage. What the fuck am I doing. Reading these giant books like a nerd, pretend that I just want to be another finance type and eventually works my youth and dream away till my company goes bankruptcy. Yes it is a bit of a morbid forecast, but i just don't feel whatever I am doing right now means jack.
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I had a weird dream this morning and I think it kinda reflects how I feel about this flow of my daily activities.
I woke up around 11am briefly. I say briefly is because upon opening my eyes I felt dazed and unsatisfied. However, my brain was able to kick my train of thoughts into a working mode, so in about 2 minutes I went through the things I was obligated to do:
1. work out.
2. study a 50 page chapter
3. call a friend
4. something meaningful
My mind felt so tired... It is a sunday yet I can't just let it pass. Life has given me the obligation to make it productive, I guess I am just being American; we don't deserve a day off in our lives, we are bound to work till we die. I believe that.
Before I could draft up more things that can dampened my Sunday, I fell back to sleep. Then this dream happened.
I was at a locker room changing from work attire to casual attire (I guess in my mind my job would have been more serious; we are wearing casual every day as it is, i don't know what I could change to make it even more casual), I changed into a pair cool sneakers and a pair of blue sweat pants and a white T. Sitting on the bench contemplating whether or not I should go work out after this long day. A co-worker, who in real life works out almost everyday, suddenly stood beside me asking me if I am going to the gym since he was going right now. Of course I fell for the peer pressure, even though he hardly pressured me. I said what the hell, it is pretty bad as it is already, I don't think I could make my day even worse. I then started to clean out my stuff and put them in my gym bag. There was a zip bag that contained a massive amount of weed and I felt as if the weed was the only thing that would make me happy after I finish my grueling workout routine. The weed bag seemed appropriate and I wasn't even slightly surprised by it. As a matter of fact, for that instant, as I put my weed bag in my gym bag, my dream gave me a side note to explain how I got the weed. It was my gym-husband who got it from his high school water polo team and he planned to enjoy that massive amount of weed with me later that day.
So I finished packing and walked out the locker with my co-worker. We were in a movie studio sound stage and for some reason the entire sound stage was our garage. Another co-worker who looked like Sarah Palin was standing there telling us that they were shooting a scene outside and we should be careful when we close the big iron sound stage door. I said sure, but as soon as I walked out I left the door unattended and it made a huge smashing sound. I laughed and apologized. However, the woman who was behind the door was not longer Sarah Palin looking co-worker, it was an African American female cop who said I was rude and I should be charged. I started to apologize profusely. However she didn't appear to be interest to what i had to say. Instead she got more aggravated as we spoke. She then said that she had to arrest me. I was like, what did you say! for what! She said for this! and she took out that giant bag of weed and waved it in front of me. For that moment I didn't really remember where that came from and I screamed, IT IS NOT MINE I DONT EVEN SMOKE!! Then all of sudden, my gym-husband appeared behind the cop. He looked at the bag, had a weird smirk on his face, then he looked at me. I was thinking, omfg you! It is all your fault! Now I can't get out of this mess and I don't even smoke! All of sudden, my family, co-worker all came together and argued why I should or shouldn't be arrested. Looking at the chaos, I suddenly realized how vulnerable and tiny I was. I was at everyone's waists height, watching helplessly at those strange faces determining my fate. The cop left soon saying that I won't be arrested but I would be fined heavily. The rest of the adults watched me in silence. I felt so wronged. I just wanted to relax and have some fun and I rarely do it in my life. I tried to work hard and be committed to all my obligations yet the main focus was how awful my "fun habit" was, and the sad part was that it wasn't even a habit. I fell on my knees, pounding and swiping the tiny fine marble stones on the ground. I screamed and cried and kept saying "fuck this I don't even fucking smoke!"
Then I woke up with tears in my eyes in real life!
Then I just felt even more tired and helpless. Because I know in two hours I will have to go to the gym, study for the rest of the night, then get ready for the next almost identical "exciting" five days in my life.
