life doesn't stop

My life has been pretty routine. Routine is a good thing in many ways. It reinforces discipline. But routine is also dreadful, boring, and scary at the same time. I have been working, then working out, then sleeping everyday. It feels pretty mechanical. However, I am comfortable to do so because I still feel that I am not going to do this for the rest of my life. The unsettling feeling, the drive to continue to move forward has never weakened even though the routine has pretty much settled in my life. I think I would be pretty scared one day that I feel content at what I am doing. I think I would be scared to feel content at any moment for that matter. Being content means you have reached the top and the only thing left to do is to wait till death slowly arrives. That, is pretty scary.

As everyone, including myself, settling into routines after routines, life does however changes in many major ways. You could really see it and feel it if you just stop for a second and look at what has become routine that were never there before. Then you wonder, how the hell did it come to this point.

--

A really close friend of mine got into a heated argument with me about half year ago and we stopped talking for 5 months. I felt like that we reached a point where we are all old enough to have too much self respect to tolerate stupid nonsense from each other. She knew what she wanted and I knew how I wanted to be treated. So I was ready to move on. She wasn't going to apologize and i wasn't going to talk to her untill she does. Yeah sounds immature. But let's just say that I really had my reasons. What really pissed me off was that out of all the possible scenarios, she chose to believe that I overacted due to my jealousy. Anyways... so we stopped talking for 5 months. I thought I was fine. I mean I was busy with all my routines, work, working out, going out, random sexes (not as much as I should have though), snowboard... whatever that the so called life has to offer. I thought I totally moved on. However, about 1 month ago, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about her subconciously. Three weeks ago, I had a dream in which we were hanging out like the old times. We laughed and laughed. We laughed so hard that our abs were having a good workout. That is really how we used to laugh and it felt so good in the dream. My dream ended in laughters and when I woke up, the sense of satisfaction and happiness still lingered. 2 hours later at work, I saw her name on msn messager. So I was like what the hell, I should really follow my heart. So I said hi and she replied instantly. I told her about my dream and she responded with her cute attitude. Everything felt good. Our conversation was short and sweet and I was really happy that whole day.

--

She called me today at lunch time. i didn't recognize the number but I knew that voice the first second I heard it. She just came back from Asia and she was really tired. So I told her to call me anytime soon to hang out.

Since we stopped talking, I have wondered what she was up to occasionally. Did she take the job from Dior? Is she still with her not so impressive boyfriend? I didn't ask any of those questions in our brief conversations online or on the phone.

Another friend of mine recently told me that she was still with her boyfriend due to her updated pictures on facebook. I actually checked her profile one day before my friend told me that and her status was "single" when I checked. Today when I logged on again, it's changed to "engaged". Then I checked her pictures. Apparently, she didn't not only go to Asia for vacation but also has brought her boyfriend back to her home and met with her parents. I was a bit startled. I have really examined our rocky relationship from our small arguments here and there to that big confrontation. Was I jealous of her boyfriend? Was I dissatisfied with the lack of attention that I once commanded from her? After some soul searching, I can confidently say it is neither. I think if I had a sister, it'd be just like her. She is probably the only person that I can truly say that I will not get jealous of. I don't know. I guess if you really love someone, that love can really be unconditional. I think I really did have a little bit taste of how having siblings feels, or maybe even how being a parent feels. Maybe that is why I was so mad that she accused me of being jealous since I felt all along that both of us knew jealousy would be the most unlikely issue between us.

So why does the "engaged" status bother me? After all, it is facebook. People engaged each other all the time. I mean if I take that seriously, I might just as well take John McCain seriously. I guess suddenly I felt a bit old. I felt the routines in my life and the decisions that I made have affected my life. The youngest in my group that I have ever known has just introduced her boyfriend to her parents and possibly got engaged over a winter trip. The baby is doing something so ... mature? I don't want to use the word mature because I think mature is peace of mind; it is a mental stability that can only come with experience and age. I guess the right description should be "adult like"? It is mature but it is kinda like an act. Anyways that is besides the point. If I had hopes about of us getting back to how we used to be, like the almost nine years that we have known each other, are all lost. People are truly moving on to all directions as they age and everything is bound to change. It is like how we are created. A sperm and an egg get together then the cell start to split split and split. It is inevitable and the result is something alive. I guess it is good?

--

Tomorrow is V-day. Inevitably I feel a bit down since I do not have a Valentine. I actually never had a valentine. Before coming out it is the struggle of just balancing a normal life; after coming out, it is the struggle of not having casual meaningless sex. What I really want is someone who can make me feel safe. I think I have always felt like everything will inevitably change no matter how hard you try and relationship is something that is working against this nature of human being. In that sense I have no faith in relationship and despite that I may appear to be very friendly and confident at times, I feel so fragile inside. I need someone to show me that change is not a route that we have to go down no matter what happens. I need someone to show me that peace of mind or least to bring that hope. Living in LA, without that blind confident and faith, plus the perpetual self-doubts, esteem issues, it is just really tiring sometimes. As the night approaches, my hope seems to be so fragile and naive.

LA has tunred into a frozen hell

By LA standard of course. It is freezing 40 degrees. I think I am not speaking just for myself when I say we are all broken due to the sub zero temperature. ok maybe a bit exaggerated. But you get the idea how I feel right now.

It is 1:00am and I have to wake up in 4 hours to go to Big Bear Mountain for snowboard. It should be fun you know. Supposedly we got about 1 foot snow, powder. Plus there is a blizzard moving in tommorrow, so we will be all buried under snow while we snowboard. yeay~~~ fun.... >_<...

I actually start to enjoy snowboarding. I don't know what it is this season, somehow I just got better at it. I still have trouble on my toe position and switching positions usually results in a dramatic tumbling fall. But if I really just want to enjoy the ride I could heel down the entire trip fairly fast. So there is always this option to just go down and pretend I am kinda good. But I am making progress. As long as I am improving I am happy. It is for fun anyway. I am not competing in Olympics anytime soon. That being said, I do not understand why my friend thinks that 6:00am departure time is absolutely necessary. I think 4-5 hours of boarding is fun, but 8 hours sound a bit like a training session. Besides, if a blizzard really moves in on us while we are on the mountain, I would be actually kinda pissed. It'd hard enough to learn with a clear weather, you know, when you are kinda warm and able to SEE stuff in front of you. (side note, I crashed into him, I think I almost chopped his chin off last time). I just can't imagine how miserable it'd be when I stand there for 10 mins to get a on a lift which takes another 10 mins to get to the top. While I am in air, the wind chill will probably just freeze me. But I DO KNOw how good powder snow feels, so I guess I should stop bitching and moaning and just enjoy the trip.

But I have to mention is that simple things kinda reflect how individuals differ from each other. For me, fun and relaxation are first priorities when it comes to recreation. It doesn't mean that I don't take on challenges; I just simply like to do things without much constrain. On the other hand, my friend has a military kind of style. Especially when it comes to physical activities. He could go on forever till his body crashes and burns. I just don't see the point. I like to savor the details and go for long term entertainment. I want to make every trip of mine a pleasant one. Nothing is over indulged so that I always want more. I do like epic trips but I do not like epic trips resulting 1 week of rehabilitation.

I don't know why I am going on and on about this, I just think it is kinda interesting to see the difference. It is like a mirror that reflects how you live your life in a way really. Well at least it is interesting to reflect on this now. I am telling you, I was not happy when I received a text this morning at 8 30, stuck in traffic on the free way, which read "just a heads up, we are leaving at 6 sharp, do not be late". I kinda wanted to punch him.

Anyways... sleeping now. For sure I will need it. hmmm you know what, I am gonna sleep all the way to the mountain as my way of protesting this god forsaken early hour departure...

A poor night of sleep >_<

Well, drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato at 11pm is not a good idea.

I don't know what it was. Maybe the coffee, or maybe the new workout routine that drained me, I couldn't really rest easily in my bed at 2:00am in morning. Or maybe because for some strange reason I decided to sleep nude. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't able to sleep till 3:30am in the morning. I think I finally dozed off around 4am. Then I spent the next 3 and half hours to create one of my most disturbing, absurd, and bloody dreams in my life. I mean I have had plenty very graphic and violent dreams that seem to be very random and unsettling. But I don't think I am an aggressive person and I definitely DO NOT have killing potentials. But some of my dreams just kinda scare myself. They kinda make you wonder, WHERE THE HELL did that come from. Very creepy.

This dream... I still remember some of the details.

Basically it was a group adventure that has gone wrong. You know, like the Hostel or SAW series. There were about 4-6 people in the group, whose faces were really not recognizable. All I remembered was there there were white and Asian girls and guys in this group and we were having an adventure. Then we were chased off by a horde of sword wielding people who vowed to catch us and prosecute us. So we ran. Then there was this room we saw after running a long time and we went in. We couldn't go further and the army approached. Suddenly, I discovered a seal. Well more like a giant tarot card that had some Asian symbols on it. I thought it was Chinese. So I put this card in the middle of the door, and the card split into 10 and formed a long card tape that shielded us from the army. The leader of the army was visibly upset and didn't want to give up. His face was bloody red with bulking giant eyes that were half popped out that round red balloon like face. He stopped the army. Although angry and determined he didn't move forward. Then I realized that the card was actually a some sort of curse. Unless we figured out a way to wield the cards, they were going to kill us. The cards made noise and started to make its killing rounds. Somehow the whole process is more like a music chair. There were sound and the cards move then one person in my group would die violently once the sound is gone. You know it is like a mechanical reaper that randomly chopping people's head off. It was chaotic, scary and bloody. All I remembered was blood was going EVERY WHERE. By the 3rd round, we somehow ended up in a bath tub and pan sized blood clogs sprang out of nowhere and started to flood the tub and drowning us. The last person who died was a girl and I remembered seeing her laying there pale. Then I woke up feeling distraught and dizzy. It was approximately 7:10am.

So can you even imagine how I felt the whole day...

I don't know. I blame it on CNN. As much as I LOVVVEE their live video news with all these fabulous looking anchors, I really do not like the news I hear everyday. I mean seriously let me just do a quick recount of what I heard for the past week:

• Primaries (ok this one is fun, I love it and I love the debates etc but I think it is still high stress level kinda of a news)


• Pregnant marine was murdered by a fellow marine who allegedly raped and killed her and now is on the run in Mexico.


• Kenya's controversial election that started this nationwide uproar that has killed hundreds of people and it seems that there is no end to it any time soon.


• 25 year old hiker was killed AND Decapitated by a 60 year old freak while she was on a simple hike.


• American dollars have been weakening, I mean it is stressful right?


• A dude named Mark Jenson who allegedly poisoned his wife to death so that he could start a new marriage. Oh that only that his wife refused to die, so he sat on her and put a pillow over her face till she suffocated to death. Allegedly of course.


• Death tow still rising for our troops.


• Blasts that kill 6 injured 20 something as Bush left Saudi for peace talks.


• Gaza riot, missile tossing, death.

I don't know. As I prepare the statement for the rich and privileged, and listening to these beautiful anchors reporting the breaking news all over the world, somehow all I can hear and see is tragedy.

It is quite stressful I would say. So I guess I really can't blame it on CNN, I blame it on humanity.

---

On a different note, this is my future husband and he just doens't know it yet.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/aqui.reggie.html

Is it too late to make a resolution? lol

Well my first one will be "blogging more". haha..... i know right.

I don't know what is with the laziness lately. I think I can safely blame this on work. I get off work around 6 and get to the gym around 7 then head home around 830. Once home I eat and play some video games etc it'd be around 10:30 to 11;00 and it is about time to sleep. On the weekends I usually go out or snowboard.

Talking about snowboarding! I have gone twice this season and the second time I made a great improvement. Now I can switch from heel to toe position... well 5 times in total in 3.5 hours last time I went lol... It is STILL progress! As long as I make improvements I am happy. I have my whole life ahead of me to constantly make improvements in everything that I do right? Now I wish SoCal could be colder and rain more in the winter so that we could have much more snow to play with. Slushy and icy slopes are just kinda painful to look at and to fall on. Also I wish that I had a place up there so we don't have to rush to the mountain early in the day and come back around 11pm at night. Though the view is so beautiful at night. Looking down from the mountain slopes, you can see millions of lights clustered together in the Los Angeles general area. It looks awfully peaceful. It is quite soothing for a long day of snowboarding. Well but we all know it is probably anything but peaceful, I am sure shit loads of people are fucking their brains out while I am mesmerized by their household lights.

My friendship with my director has gone on really well. Actually I heard he is the VP now. That I will have to confirm with him. We went out to dinner last Friday again. I had veal piccata and it was really good plus it was free lol~~~. I kinda treat him like my gay dad and we talk about everything from dating, sex, and cleansing.. lol~~~~~~~~~ yeah it was a very hilarious conversation and I liked how he kept drinking more Scotch every time i ask another question. He bought a really nice place in West Hollywood and his guest parking has been very useful. Now I can always park for free when I am in the gay central! It is such a relief considering I already got 3 tickets in this stupid city -o-.....

As you can tell my post has been random and tame. It is really how I feel about my life right now. Days just kinda go on and it never feels more like life. Kinda routine, kinda comforting and yet kinda scary. I really don't want to turn into a cow..

---

I have officially established a fuck buddy relationship with this Hispanic guy. I guess as we fuck more I really have to express more about what I WANT during sex. He is always kinda in a hurry kinda guy which is never too good for the bottom boy =/.

Oh I also hooked up with a friend's friend to whom I am not attracted to all that much in terms of establishing a relationship. But fucking wise? I think he is pretty good, he actually knows what he is doing and usually can finish the job with some good twists...

Yet again and again, as I mentioned many times before, they don't seem to bring on the thrill. I think I am still very fond of the idea of a hot boyfriend who can cook. Don't ask me about the cooking part I just think getting taken care of is very important lol. But I can't complain too much. It never hurts to have more gay friends I guess. This friend of a friend is very friendly and knows a lot of people in the gay clubs. Of course he also knows where the parties are so I guess it is beneficial.

Talking about going out...

I went to Abbey's on Saturday night. Well I tried to go to Abbey. The line was more than a block long and people were still pouring in. It didn't look like there was a special event or anything. I felt kinda bad because the friend of a friend was there with his friend around 930 and I got to the line at 11pm. So I called them and they actually came out and decided to go somewhere else. I think I have mentioned his friend before. He was this half Asian half black guy who looked pretty hot. He came in town for some LA party tonight. Last time we were flirting back and forth like crazy and this time I just wanted to fuck. According to others he was interested. Stupid me that I actually thought it'd be a done deal. So we went to this club called Factory and started dancing over there. We were touching and dancing. Talking dirty a bit. But then as the night went out, I realized that he was just being very friendly instead of sexual. So when I asked him when he wanted to leave he said he wanted to stay and there were lots guys, I kinda got the hint. Dang dang dang, rejections. sigh.... so sad. So I immediately left him alone. He then went around as usual... without his tank top... dancing with his gigantic chest... Well fuck it, you know what he DOES wear sunglasses in a night club so maybe it is really not that big of a loss...

So I went around the club and determined to have a good time. On the other hand, friend of a friend was very horny and begged to fuck the whole night. I think I was clearly not interested ESPECIALLY after I got rejected. So whenever he leaned in for a kiss or something I kinda just stood there. Walking around I saw this guy who had nice chest and wearing a baseball cap. I thought he was pretty hot and went for a conversation. Of course I am half legally blind and I refuse to wear a pair of glasses in a club! So when I got up to him I realized he had gray beard.... But I was there already, so I think I will just be friendly and leave. I asked him if he wanted to dance and he said no thank you. I was like omfg screw you grandpa. You know it is the worst when you are just being nice and then they have that Hotter than Thou attitude. You can't have tha attitude when you have salt and pepper beard. God I felt so cheap. So I just decided to dance the night away with friends. It was a better choice actually... Since I had so much sexual tension AND frustration built up I was very energetic. The gays kept offering me drugs. I dont know... Can't people rock out sober? Well apparently not, I think 70% of the crowd was on something.... OH yeah , there was this suppppeeerrrr hot guy who danced like a pop star, absolutely stunning. He had a bunch gay friends dancing along with him. I was around and talking to the hot guy's friend and saying how good he danced. Then his friend handed me a card, which reads "explicit strippers"... Well that explains his professional skills... He was also on a cocktail. Apparently the Gatorade that he was drinking was a mixture of Gatorade, alcohol, Ecstasy, and some other flavorful candy.

I danced and danced, shirt off without knowing how and when. When I checked time again, it was 5:00am... So I bid farewell to my friends and drove home. Tired as fuck and couldn't sleep. So I hooked up with my hands and play some video game and eventually passed out around 7 AM...

Story of my life sigh -_-....

I shall blog

A lot of things are happening actually... too lazy to update but that should change, since i am putting blogging on my resolution list!

---

let me talk about things that are pretty important first.

I have this 52 year old director at work who is gay. Yeah, shocking, gay and entertainment industry. I sensed his homosexuality from day one but thought that it would stupid to ask him "are you gay". If he is, then, it could still be awkward, and if he is not, it will just be disastrous. So I kept talking to him and waited. One day, he gave me a hint. He said something about his partner. I was like bingo~~~~.... So I went to his office and told him I was gay as well. I kept the coming out very short so we wouldn't stay in his office and staring at each other. Then we had lunch together a week after. I don't know, I guess I am better with gays. I felt very comfortable talking to him even for the first time. We talked about random things and I told him about my fear to ask him about his sexuality prior to his hint. He said it was actually very touching for him that I came out to him right away. It made him feel that much better about being out and representing gays for the younger generation. We both agreed that at least in L.A., if you are just comfortable with it, most likely others would not think about it twice. It was indeed comforting to see the change nowadays. I still remembered back in my middle school, there was this kid made a comment that was just a little bit gay and the whole school made a big deal out of it - even the teacher!, jeebus... the horror.

After this lunch, he would stop by regularly and chat with me. I would do the same. However, things didn't get quite intimate till last week. I am not talking about having sex! pervs, no. You see, at our company, we have a LGBT group and they do a monthly mixer event at this gay lounge in west Hollywood. I thought it'd be nice if we all just go there to hang out. So I forwarded this email to my director and he happily agreed to go. I was abit late , well 30 nins late according to our initial estimated arrival time. I wasn't worried since it was going to be a mixer event which means there would be a lot of people to mingle with. I was so wrong. When I arrived, apparently the only two faithful mixer attendees were my director and I. He of course stayed there alone for 30 mins. I felt so bad... But he was talking to some strangers to kill time, so that was a bit of a comfort for me. Just a side note, I think my director is pretty cute. He must have been super popular back in his 20s. So we started to drink a little and talked. It was actually very nice. I was kinda surprised that it wasn't hard at all to have a conversation with someone who is twice my age.

The conversation became much more informal and the subjects jump from work relations, private relationship, to even sex. I like how he took everything so casually. It was especially funny when I asked that if there were lots orgies back in the 70s. He smiled and said, why not. lol... he was so fun to talk to.

However, the most impressive conversation also happened during that night and it wasn't about sex and boys. You see, I have been in this hiv panic attack mode again lately, so I tested myself prior to the night out with the director. It was negative. The first person I texted was actually him. His reply was "good and stay that way". Also, I have to add a little back story here. When we were having lunch that week after I came out to him, he said that his first love got really sick and passed away. I already knew it must have been from HIV, and if it was in the late 70s and early 80s there wouldn't be any HIV protection awareness. So mostly likely he probably got it too. But he looked very healthy and very upbeat. So it was possible that he used protection. Anyways, as our conversation became more private and the tones became more casual, we all eased up even more. I asked,

"Do you mind if you ask what happened to your first serious boyfriend. You said he got really sick and passed away."

"He had some serious brain disease that was triggered by hiv complications. Hm... I can tell you without much confidence that I am also positive..."

"Ah it is really ok. I mean when you told me your boyfriend died and it was in the 70s, unless I am really stupid, I should be able to think of that. And it is totally ok with me. It is the reality and it is part of our lives..."

"Right..."

"I can tell that you really loved your first boyfriend, because even till today your tone just changes a little bit , a bit more tender whenever you mention him."

"Yes, I loved him very much and he will always have a special place... Ah... I didn't want to tell you this, but we talked about this hehe, how did we start talking about this" (kind of a Barbara Walter's interview moment).

"It is alright really."

I don't know... it is just something that I saw it coming but somehow still felt very profound when he admitted it. I especially could feel his sincerity when he told me to be really careful. He said he got it from his loved one and there would be no regret. Sure, if there were more information and people were more educated they both probably would have done things differently. But he said it'd be really not worth it for some strange guy that hook up with.

He said that he was lucky that his immune system held up for 10 years till he received medical treatment. Apparently the strain of virus is somewhat mild and he is doing just fine.

Our conversation moved from there to finances, relationships, more sex, and west Hollywood in general. We both pretty much went kind far in terms of the topics we brought forth for discussion. I mean it is kinda unconventional since he is afterall a 4 levels above me professionally, and I do see him everyday. However, it was hard to resist to share the thoughts. I think he felt the same way. I guess we both found it comforting to talk about things without the conventional restrictions and yet both were a little surprised how far we were going with it.

Anyways, I felt great about the whole thing and we both had a good time.

It was very windy that day in LA. The wind was wailing throughout the night. It felt kinda surreal, a bit like the end of the world depicted in Will Smith's "I am Legend". However, I have never felt better that night. It was just a regular night out with someone who was gay and older and it was certainly not a date. But I just felt really good about it. The little lounge we stayed at, was one of the first gay establishment in West Hollywood. It is quite cozy and comfy inside. I felt warm and safe there and I somehow could feel the past. oh, if you want to check it out, it is called East/West Lounge.

More things to talk about, to be continued...

Good things and paranoia

I hooked up with this Mexican guy last Tuesday. He is 28 and 6'1''. He had very nice chest and had a leaner waistline than mine. We met online but he actually was only a mere 4 miles away from my home. We talked to each other on and off for about 1 month and last week we finally met. He lives with 3 other house mates so we had to keep things kinda quiet. He had his own room, pretty decent size but not big in any measure. It was a typical guy's room, messy. But it was smelly or anything, and the whole room wasn't chaotic per se. He actually never turned on the light which was kinda interesting. It wasn't like I would totally not see him just because of the light was off but I didn't mind anyway it was very exciting to be in the dark. I laid down on his bed and told him to come over. We started to make out for about 5 mins. He said I was a good kisser. I would have said the same thing. His lips were luscious and gentle. His kiss was flirtatious and firm. Our tongue danced together. It was definitely a passionate start.

Then then started to suck my cock. It was actually my best blow job I ever had. It was firm and fast with good rhythm. Most important for me was that he was wrapping his whole mouth around my dick the whole time so it wasn't one of those air leaking blow jobs that you only wish you could use a hoover instead of that mouth in front you. He then started to rim my ass. It was absolutely AMAZING. His tongue was so talent. It was flickering around my ass and then would move in and then move out, sucking the hole, licking it more then sucking more. I was loving every single minute of it. I did the same to him. I guess he was really into me because he think started to suck on my foot as well. It was surprising and definitely hot.

The fuck session started off rocky because I was super tight and it took him a while to get it. Then he did a lot of positions but I still like the doggie the best. I just love it when his thrust his pelvis firmed against my bubble ass. It feel so intimate and also I could feel more penetration.

Then the bad part. I let him cum on my mouth, at the heat of the moment I licked off his cum. It was hot for sure, he cum like a water hose so did I. But then the following conversation happened,

"omg that was so hot."
"yeap it was pretty good."
"you clean right?" (yeap making sure I am not a STD robot AFTER the sex)
"yeah I am." (actually i am not sure, I have been believing that I must have been exposed to HIV virus based on no good reason except for my mental instability. but again having sex with strangers and let them cum in your mouth is definitely some risky behavior, even if it is just once...)
"I was surprised you let me do that."
"do what?"
"cum on your mouth and this is our first time with me."
"well, it is low risk." (already feeling like I am lying to myself)
"nah, it is pretty risky, if I am infected you would be infected by now."
"well relatively speaking, it is pretty unlikely unless you are raging with HIV level in your system and I have some big cuts in my mouth. both cases are unlike at this moment now"
"well I am just saying don't worry about it, i am clean."
...
"so when was the last time you got tested?"
"hmm about 5-6 months ago. and it was clean."
"I see, same here. I think I should get tested again just to make sure."(i am actually scared, what if the result is positive, that is like all hope is lost)

We walked out talked more about each other here and there. Finally before we parted,
"man it was really hot, let's keep in touch and maybe get together again sometimes."
"sure."
....
"why are you so surprised by that?"
"by what"
"by I let you cum on my mouth, now you are making me feel a bit anxious. you are clean right?"
"I am, I was just saying and usually people don't do that the first time. Do you do it a lot?"
"do what a lot? let others cum on my mouth?"
"yeah.."
"no man, I don't' hook up everywhere. probably 2-3 times, you included"
"oh.. yeah don't worry i am clean."

At this point it sounded as if we were both equally paranoid. Well I already knew what would happen after this -- Endless HIV thoughts and agonizing doubts and paranoia. I was absolutely right. I actually have let this affect my mood. I just felt like I must have caught it if not from him probably from that dude that I blew 2 months ago on the Pasadena camp ground. I must have because it was such a coincidence that I bit myself TWICE really hard the day before I blew that guy off and let him cum in my mouth. Those two bite wounds were fresh and open. Omg how stupid. IF not that guy, then it is probably from the plumper who I allow him to cum on my mouth. He even commented on it too. After sex, he said" wow dude, you would let me cum in your mouth but not fuck you bareback?" WHAT is wrong with people, bareback risk is WAY WAY WAY greater than oral contact.. But I KNOW THEY DO HAVE A POINT. Why am i such a cum slut. I hope my luck is still winning out. I do not know what I would do if I catch HIV. the thought itself is almost too heavy to just think about...

Yeah Back

Ok I didn't really go anywhere. But Blogging has been lagging it is pretty obvious right lol. I don't know. Last couple weeks just weren't for blogging. There were things happening but somehow whenever I am facing this screen I just didn't feel like typing. Recounting life is such a tiring experience.

Ok the three things that I was gonna talk about last time lol.

First I went to a real concern. Well my first real concert experience anyway. My friend got 4 tickets so it was Me him, his sister and his sister's friend. Her friend gives me a bit gay vibe. But again everyone is gay as long as the price is right, quoted from a gay friend of mine lol... He was kinda dorky cute. He wore a nice thin blazer and loafer. Yeah I noticed those two items because the blazer look like some expensive skin and the loafer made him look a bit British. He had big fingers too... Yeah I dont know why I notice these things but I do. My friend's sister is pretty and they were both very very smart. I mean lawyers come on.

The concert was in Downtown in this old theater. It was so amazing. Everything was so vintage. It gives you a bit flash back feeling; I felt like I was in the early 1800s or something. A SHIT LOAD OF CUTE GUYS. I felt abit overwhelmed because they were everywhere. At the same time I felt kinda restricted because I couldn't tell my friend that "OMG that guy is so cute that I can blow him right now". I know slutty and closet don't really mix.

The band was "Stars". Don't know anyone of you guys have ever heard of them. It is decent stuff, but by no means they were GREAT. But the experience was so good. The company was good, the stage was great, the light was awesome and people were really into the music. I really enjoyed it. And the cute guys hehe.

--

I had another hook up and I really felt like I am over hook ups now. I somehow feel empty afterward. It is like drugs it gets you high but crashes you hard. Somehow you want more of this abuse after that depressing crashing feeling subsides. It is very dangerous and emotionally unhealthy.

On the other hand, I started to talk to this older gentleman who lives in Beverly Hills, a retired lawyer at 45. Yes HE could be my DAD. But we have good conversations and he sounds like .. well fatherly. OMG I GOT ISSUES. I think I should see a shrink. This is like the 105ths time I mentioned that I needed a shrink yet the only one I am about to see is a older guy who could be my dad age wise and wants to fuck me. This is truly unhealthy. Howver, I do enjoy his conversation. So I might date him see what is going on. He is not fat at least. I swear I am not shallow.

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Saw Jersey Boys with three gay bloggers with LA. I really enjoyed the show. I think I am pretty easily entertained. As long as it is not total ape shit, I can always appreciate some beauty of everything.

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I just talked to a REALLY cute guy yesterday at gym. He is like model looking and his bright bright bright smile just melts my hearts away. BLESS MY LITTLE'O HEART. He is noticeably taller than I am which is rare and he looked very athletic and he was sooo beautiful. I actually asked him first. I really didn't have to. But he was irresistable. So I asked him

"do you know the name of this exercise?"

I actually needed to know. My trainer told me to write a workout diary and he provided me with the offical diary book etc, so I am the gymbunnynerd.

"..."

Yeap silence.

Oh. he had earphone on. That won't stop me from harrassing a cute guy. So I TAPPED HIS SHOULDER. lol.... he turned around I said

"do you know the name of this exercise, my trainer wants me to write down everything."

He smiled, and I died.

He said,

"ah... haha I actually don't but I do it a lot. I am sorry."

"It is alright."

10 mins later.

"USC kicked Arizona's ass, did you see the game."

"oh no I didn't but my coworkers couldn't stop talking about it. Did you go to SC?"

"No I went to LSU."

"oh cool."

"what is your name?"

"David. and you are?"

"Luke" (OMG LUKE SO CUTE, I swear I don't sound like a teenage girl in real life)

"I haven't seen you here often, are you new?"

"oh no, I am here for about a year."

"then what time do you come in usually"

"ah here and there random times"

"I see. Do you work around here or live around here?"

"Oh I live right up here and I work in downtown." (ok most likely a banker or lawyer and right up here that is expensive... ok educated and smart awesome)

"Nice Nice. YEah I live close by as well."

"Ah What is your name again, I am really bad at names. Sorry."

"David, should be easy right."

WE shook hands. Nice hand....

"Maybe I can catch a spot from you next time David."

"Alright." ( you can catch anything from me stud...)

It was so sweet.... I am gonna go on the weekends more now. So I would catch him more. I mean he is like 110% not gay but I am kinda crazy so it won't matter. mu hahaha...

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Bummer, my mom went to China for 20 days for business. Sigh living with my dad is painful. Maybe I should move in with that older guy and wash his pool... Enough of the crazy talk...

--

My current physical status. I know it is not impressive at all but I made progress and I do feel good and I still working on it. Let's monitor it till summer. I shall whore by that time mu hahaha.

height, 6' and half inch.
weight, 178lb
Fat %, 12.5%
Chest, 38 and half
Bicept 14 3/4
Leg, 19 and half,
Waist...............34" -_-... I swear I wear 32 just fine! The soft fat is bullshit. Oh well....

My trainer's goal for me
Height, no change,
Weight, doesn't matter,
Fat%, 10-12% is fine
Chest, 42
Bicepts 16
Legs are ok
Waist 29.

-o-.... pain guaranteed...

Ciao bitches.

IT is that time of the month again

I am not talking about period. If I had a period that would be a serious problem. I am talking about blogging. Yeah I blog almost as frequent as period now and that is not good.

There are three things I was going to talk about but it is getting late So I shall update this post in the very near future. I hope yall had a great weekend!