Much to talk about

I have been really lazy about blogging even though I constantly think that a lot of stuff is blog worthy.

First I just want to say, Iphone update SUCKS big time. I understand it is a delicate piece of equipment so the software is probably complicated when it comes down to firmware upgrades. But over 1 hour backup? I think I can probably back up a stupid PC with that much time and yet I am only backing up a stupid phone. Is it an oversight or apple was just completely oblivious about it since they know that we are all their bitches now.

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I went to XIV restaurant in West Hollywood 2 weeks ago treating a friend for her bday. It was such a nice experience. The restaurant was incredibly unique and I love the tasting portion of every dish. I got extremely stuffed before I even finished my 14 dishes meal. The crowd was MUCH better than some other supposedly high end restaurants. There was a lot of professionals and it definitely felt more upscale. Overall the food was still the most impressive part of it all. I highly recommend!

But the highlight of the night was our waiter. (rishi, I know he is a waiter... I mean not everyone like you who only dates lawyers and above)...His name was J and he was sooo very cute and friendly. My friend and I kept talking about him throughout our conversation. Of course, we started to talk to him more and more as well. Conversation went from what was in my dish to how much he works and how well he knows the surrounding area etc... I kinda had a crush.

So my friend said I should get his number. I was like, are you kidding, just getting a number from a waiter because I think he is cute, that is so cliche and outdated. He will definitely think that it is extremely lame. Then my friend said, omg if you keep being this chicken and passive, then prepare to jerk off till you die. Ok she wasn't that mean, she said something along the "die alone" line which wasn't nice either. Then she said, you know what, I will just get it for you, you are so annoying when you are this shy. I was like omg don't do it, what if he was just being nice and not interested at all, that would be so embarrassing. Then she said so what? Then fuck him. Well i have to give her props. She is always going after things that she desires and has never been apologetic about it either. Sometimes, I think it is just a bit too much because she would do it at anyone's expense. But sometimes I wish I could live like her.

So I have decided that I would just do it as a subplot of our already great evening.

When he came around again, I asked him something that I do not recall anymore; apparently it was just a filler before my request. Then I said oh can I have your business card so next time when we come we can sit at your table again.

He said, oh... actually I am leaving XIV soon, because he has decided going to Katsuya which is owned by the same group. I was a bit disappointed at that moment thinking oh well whatever. So I kept the conversation going a little bit about his departure. Toward the end, he said, you know what, let me give you my card, so you can find me next time. Then he handed his personal card to me, which included his name, personal phone number and address.

I was very surprised by it and was definitely happy about this turn of event.

After I went home I texted him saying "Oh I forgot to introduce myself, my name is ... and thank you for the great experiences."

He texted me back about 3 hours later saying "My pleasure, it was nice meeting you, and hopefully I will see you soon again :p"

At this point, I think he might be interested or just being really nice. I wasn't sure.

Second day, I found him on facebook. I know it is a bit stalkerish, but it was my friend's idea and I was just too weak for the temptation. I found him and his profile was public as well. I saw some more pictures of his and he was really charming in all of them. Then I found out that he is also the same age as I am, a little bit older which is perfect as well.

As I was adding him, I noticed that he already celebrated his last day @ XIV and was ready to move on. So I sent him a message on facebook saying that I was surprised he left so soon. He then messaged back saying that it was sad it was sooner than later but he is enjoying his free time right now. And I know where I can find him and he hopes it'd be soon ;P.

At this point, I am fairly sure that he is interested, and I was totally excited about it.

But given the lack of experience of dating first then fucking, I sent him a message saying that I too would like to see him soon. This particular message got slaughtered by all my coworkers. They thought I made myself way too available and what I should have done was to keep the mystery.

I guess I do have an IQ of a snail when it comes to dating. But why play the dating game if you like each other? Why not just a date and see what kind of chemistry happens then. My coworkers told me to wait at least 3 days (yeap the stupid 3 days rule) and do not talk to him at all. I had to defer my opinion on this since they are all freaking married. So I waited for two days and thought this was stupid. So on the second night, feeling good about the whole day and everything, had the courage to just text him. Trying to appear to be kinda care free but interested, I stupidly said "hey, are you still up?" ... omg I am such snail. Why didn't I just say how is your day, what are you doing etc etc like a normal human being...

Two days passed and I haven't got a reply and I was completely devastated. I know, I am a very fragile being. I got quite depressed. I felt stupid that I read so much into it when he was just being nice. He probably wanted to keep a potential long term dinner client and possibly makes a friend and all of suddenly I am all up in arms about to eat him. There is a lot of other things happening during that 3 days and I was just in this very bad mood everyday. For example, checking out some other gay people's facebook who I used to talk, and realized that they are all doing much better in this land of gays in terms of social lives than I do despite the fact that they all came out later. What does it take? Do I HAVE to live in West Hollywood like them to really get into it? I really don't think it is the case but I don't know. I was so frustrated. It was pretty miserable. By the 3rd day there was no reply to my stupid text message. I was ready to give up.

I mean I already was getting over it somewhat. I mean we met for 2 hours that was it... I would be stupid to make myself inside out just by this brief encounter. However, being so dissatisfied with this outcome, I wasn't just ready to let it end like this. He is very cute after all. Making a friend wouldn't be bad. I need some gays to party with too.

So I retreated to facebook. I send him another message. This time just being a normal human being asked him, hi how are you doing lately, have you started working yet? Hope all is well.

2 days passed no reply and I was pretty over it.

Went out clubbing on Saturday with straight friends and chain smoked the whole night. Got home @ 4 am and played video game till 730am. Waking up feeling refreshed and I wasn't that depressed anymore.

Checking facebook, there was the message from him, "Hey how are you? yeah I have just started @ ____ and I really like it. Ready for your holidays?"

I haven't replied him yet. I dont know what to say. I am already over it kinda. But I guess being in this phase, I would sound much more normal, you know, instead of being a 14 year old little girl who just saw prince charming or something. But at least one thing I know, he just wants to be a friend, which is ok, but in that case, the whole thing is kinda dispensable at this point now.

Contrast

How can people be so different and the good ones never fall between my legs.

I talked to this guy, 6'6" online and his height is definitely the main attraction. I actually didn't really want to reply him for unknown reason but I started talking to him anyway. He messaged me last Friday and we kinda emailed on and off for three days till we texted and aim a lot today. He kept flirting and asking questions and I answered truthfully and calmly. I wasn't cold but definitely not overly excited either. I just feel that if you try too hard, nothing good comes along.

Anyways, he suggested to meet soon which I don't object but not too fond of it either. He insisted on meeting soon, such as, TODAY, even went as far as renting a room when he is talking about building up a relationship. Weird right? W/E I just kept talking in a very neutral manner and wait to see what comes out of this. I told him I wasn't going to rent a room which would be too much effort for a first time meeting each other. He kept saying babe com'on. At this point I should have figured he is crazy. Alas, stupid me right.

So eventually I told him, I would text him after I am done with gym around 830pm and if my phone doens't run out of battery then, I will definitely try to meet up, if it does I will make it another time.

Finished gym around 815pm and texted him at 825pm said

"You wanna meet up?"

"sure"

1 minute passed and I was able to juggle my cellphone when I tried to drive out of the parking lot and typed,

"direction plz from Pasadena."

"ok then, good night.'

????????????

"what?"

"You took too long to reply, so I am going to bed."

!!!!! looked at the text again.

All I wanted to say is "please put bipolar on your profile next time, so at least I would have some idea of what I am getting myself into."

I stopped texting him.

5 more text message followed,

"You never wanted to hang out anyway."

"Now you are ignoring me, gr8."

"Ok go to Mission Dr."

"Why aren't you answering."

"You wasted my time."

Now he just CALLED ME.

Thank god that I am getting my iphone soon so this number would leave me. He is really scaring me now.

now one more text

"Dude, what is your issue."

so I said the following,

"you really don't see how crazy you are? I was just gonna laugh it off, but it is getting annoying. Its my fault so for god's sake please stop texting or calling, this would my absolute last text. Thank u."

He replied more but this should be the end of it.

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On the other hand, I saw this guy, 6', buff, cute buzzed blond hair, sweet sweet smile and a USC grad in architecture. He is a total jock type and he is smart. He offered to spot me while I was benching, so sweet. He just makes me go awwwww inside. I just had this HUGE crush on him that I could barely take my eyes off him. We chatted more for about another 30 mins on and off between sets of workouts. I suggested that working out together and now I got his number. I know he is not gay and all and this is definitely not healthy for me since I would develop more feelings for him once we start working out together regularly. But oh man... I suck...

Fuck requesting much?

I should be happy about it but I still don't. I think I should go to an ex-gay program because for chicks, since I am not sexually attracted to them all I see is inner beauty anyway lol~~~

One of the super hot guys I have been talking to a little bit just messaged me asking when I can have some fun with him. This is his pics

Hopefully he is not flaky.

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Another guy is this 18 year old black dude who is 6'4", 210 lb, masc. Sounds like fun. But I am just not too attracted to black guys sigh...

I also just got another really hot guy's aim but haven't really done much talking yet.

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All of this is afterall just all talking. I don't know. After last night's fiasco, I find myself still longing for a relationship. Why am I such a sucker who doesn't learn,. I should just fuck all of them and write them in my little black book, like trophies you know. But that is really not what I want the most. I mean I do want them lol~~~~

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I also want to meet this guy who blew me off 2 weeks ago. The over sleeper. He was really kind and sweet last night for listening to my rant about how pissed I was.  I don't know what I should do. We do like same sort of things and we like to talk about culture and politics, which is cool. But because I was retarded so that now HE READS THIS BLOG, he pretty much knows exactly what is going on. Not only there is no mystery but also it is kinda embarrassing. Now if I do ask him to do something, then hey you, who is reading it now, I am just gonna talk to you directly, you would probably feel like you are picking up a piece of left over, which is not a healthy start for any kind of relationship, including even just mere friendship. So yeah I dont know what to do with you.

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I SWEAR I am no where near dramatic in real life. I guess online is like a place for my bad side to come out. 

I cried just a tiny little bit

Ok I am such a sucker for things like this. arggg, but isn't he amazing. Angelic voice le sigh.



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Today I got UCLA hunk's aim, and we basically chatted up the whole day. From no expectation to extremely high expectation. We had so much fun talking and flirting and he sounded like the exact kind of guy I want in my life as a boyfriend. Also, he was part of the air force reserve back in college, so he did the training and the whole shebang, so freaking HOT!!! You see how stupid I am? I haven't seen him, just saw a couple pictures then talked to him on aim and now i am already thinking about being his boyfriend. Sigh... never learn!.... But we both enjoyed the conversation throughout the entire day and we planned to meet up on Thursday for dinner. See if I don't know him then I can be completely confident. But now after talking, I have expectations and I want him have his expectation from me fulfilled and suddenly I am not as confident. The doubts flooded in. What if he doesn't find me attractive, what if our conversation becomes dull, what if ... I know it is so stupid. We should find out the answers for all that soon. Well in three days.

I also got a chance to talk to my Black guy friend. He messaged me last night and then logged off because according to him I wasn't very talkative at the moment. So this morning, we started talking and he suddenly lashed out at Asians. Actually, he soon started to lash out against dudes in general, saying how he got hurt by games all the time and people are just generally fake. I somehow wasn't phased by his tantrum by the slightest. I was calm and I proceeded to show him why his accusations of Asians were unfound. Well his accusations definitely hold true to a lot of Asian people but I believe most of them are still generally good people and I really felt the responsibility to build the racial connection and defend my own people in this microscopic way. Finally good reasoning won out and he admitted that he was just frustrated. But after this incident, I can guarantee that I will not fool around with him ever again. That is for sure.

On the other hand, work related thing, I am forced to work TWO hours overtime everyday for the next three weeks. Also, I might be forced to come in ON SATURDAYS. Ok Fuck this shit really. For the amount of money I make I really shouldn't be required to come in on SATURDAY. The work is stressful in the first couple weeks but we are all adults here and if the work is not done I think we will do overtime as needed so that we can finish. Enforcing overtime is one of the most irresponsible thing a manage team can do. If the worker is incompetent the overtime will just still be wasted anyway. Let the employee work overtime based on their schedule as long as the work is done and done well right?

I really believe this is one big problem with corporate America. If the top management is anal, micro management and recruiting all the mindless peons instead of seeking out talents, then yes, the corporate culture would suffer. Because that management style would trigger down from top all the way to the bottom. Also, the corporate America is still ruled by the baby boomers who learned management styles from their past experiences. A lot of them use micro management and iron fist rule to feel secure and maintain dignity. But that does not bode well with our generation, period. 

In my business major back in USC, we took at least 2 semester classes mainly focused on business communications and learn the difference of professional communication and personal communication. But alas, who gives a shit about the difference. Some of the psycho managers often throw their tantrum at their employees and employ their personal humor or style at will with no regard how the other party would feel about that whatsoever. What they don't know is that their personal humor/style comes off either arrogant, thoughtless or simply buttplug style bitchy.  We should always remember that being in a supervision position simply means that you have a better knowledge and have the ability to lead. We didn't elect you as a manager/supervisor with a popularity contest. So I don't know what made them feel like their personality is the shining star that comes out every fucking 10 mins to blind others.

Micro management is the past and I think human resource should be more strategic. Asking your employee to log in activities on Outlook EVERY FUCKING HOUR is not how you guarantee that they have something to do. IF your employee started slacking, then it is either you as a manager didn't plan the workload for them well so that they are overwhelmed in the beginning and now they just don't have stuff to do, OR they are not qualified employees. I mean if they can't work under supervision, then you should get a new person on your team. Doing stupid micro managing shenanigans is only a waste of time for everyone and has nothing to boost morale which is so vital for the turn over. Let me tell you our turn over is ugly. Work content is one thing but management is a huge factor as well. Just because the company is huge doesn't mean that they can literally afford to lose anyone. Especially considering the entertainment industry is on the verge of being revolutionized with new media, I don't know how the old method seems to be a good idea to continue. Talent is everything on all levels. God I can go on and on with this.

Luckily I have had a good manager for three quarters who didn't micro manage. However I have witnessed enough to worry. My manager is changing position in this up coming quarter. I hope my new manager isn't going to be a talentless drone. 

A not meant to be story

This guy, let's call him Rod. It is his real nick name. He preferred me to call him Rod. He is black. The first black guy I have actually talked to and interested in. NOT IN A RACIST WAY for you over sensitive mofos out there. I am a proud member of the minority within the minority. Anyways... I just never got a chance. I don't know, from an Asian's perspective, black guys are pretty thuggy. They can dance really well.. A bit too well and they, a lot of times, look like they can break me in bed. Ok ok enough with the stereotypes right? I would consider it stereotype if I never experience it before. However, it is my own observation through my own experience, I think I do deserve that right.

We talked online and called each other almost immediately. He sounded very cute and our conversation went on and on as if we knew each other for years. He liked my humor and I liked how he played along. We met the next day.

He lives in this nice area in Korean Town. Yeah I know, shocking, you would think there is no nice areas in the downtown area in general. I mean the area surrounding my old apt in downtown (Orsini) was pretty swanky but let's just say that you would not want to walk around there at night. However, that small area he lived in was really impressive. It was very clean, green, and quiet, definitely a huge contrast to the adjacent streets. The city seemed to have a major episode of vomiting with loads of Korean restaurants and laundromats. It felt commercial, dirty, crowded, and very used up. Yet, in the midst of all this, there was this small virgin island hiding within. Tall palm trees somehow rendered that small street a sense of importance. I felt like I had a grand entrance when I approached his apartment. It was a sunny day, and I was in a good mood. I wasn't really nervous at all for some reason.

I went into this vintage apartment. Apparently, the patrons are consisted of gays and old jewish ladies only. He wasn't downstairs to greet me since he was still in the shower. So I called him twice and got a bit impatient. To my surprise he ran down stairs in his towels. And oh my.... giant chests with 8 packs. It was a major fantasy came into life moment with all the sparkles and imaginary doves flying around. I mean I have NEVER touched a 8 packs before and I thought I would never touch one this soon. There he was, a complete model body, big smile and very white teeth. I have to say that his teeth were fresh and tasted great. He had short hair which impressed me. I don't know I never liked guys with long hair. So we went upstairs to his room asap. He was kinda embarrassed how he presented himself. But I wasn't complaining at all. I wish the whole building knew that he was half naked in a towel with me. Yes, I am about to do this fucking hot black thug. Only if I had a bullhorn.

His room was very clean and simple yet stylish decoration magically brought a sense of warmth to this otherwise old and hollow room. His mac book was playing all kinds of music and he was scrambling about. He tried to finish his shower and getting dressed so we could go to lunch. I was laying on his bed and listening to him making all kinds noises in his bathroom. Eventually he came out and applied some sort of butter on his body so it was all smooth and shiny. Not the cheesy Barbara Walter's lens kinda shine. His skin was like living marble... I think that is the best way I can describe it.

We went to this chicken place. Stuff wasn't that impressive and I think calling it a chicken place would sum up my feeling toward it just fine. Then we went to have tea in this very nice tea house. Some cute Korean boys were serving us. The setting was very classic. All tables had classic wrought iron designs. I don't know... but I think I finally realized that I was on an actual date till that point. I mean this would be my first real date and you got all the necessary elements in it! The sexual tension, the sweet talk, and the brief soul glancing. It was all very romantic and sweet, and of course GAY. I mean seriously I think we made kinda obvious that we were dating openly at that point. It was also kinda tragic. I am 24 years old, have blown guys in my gym shower, and yet that day was the first time I had my first real date... sigh..

So we finished all this fancy dating stuff and went back to his apartment. I tried to be civil. I really tried to be calm. But I mean wtf right. I don't remember how and when exactly it happened. I just jumped on top of him and started to make out. He had very strong lips and grips and the tighter he squeezed me, the more pleasure I was getting out of that moment. So of course moaning ensued and I stripped him naked. Now, this 8 packs were all mine and they were onlly inches away from me.

TO MY DISMAY.... somehow I just realized at that moment that model bodies are fantastic to look at but hollow at touch. I mean he had almost no fat on this torso so it was just pure skin and ripped muscles. Yet I for some reason expect them to be more bulky at touch. I was imaging that these muscles would have lives of their own and my hands surely wouldn't be able to contain them. Yet those muscles, all that insane definition kinda just stopped there, under my hands like a painting. They didn't feel as big as I imagined and it was really hard to play with. There was NOTHING to get a grip on. I squeezed, and my hands would just slip off. I couldn't pick up any of those packs. I guess I must have been crazy before. I mean how could you expect to pick up one of the 8 pieces of muscles on his stomach. But seriously, before I touched, they looked so big and so lively, you might have just believed that you could pick them up and exam its definition closely.

Anyways, making out turned into blow jobs. It was a sure hit on my self confidence. He was a thick 7 inch and I could barely even just eat the whole thing... not mentioning a quality blow job. Yes, I think I was over powered by a dick and I was in a wtf moment for a while... You know, I thought I was kinda good at it, and only to realize that I was no where near being good at it in front of him. He said he wouldn't fuck unless we are in a relationship. I was like sweety that is perfectly fine with me, I mean I really wasn't sure if I wanted that thing in me. It only spelled pain for me at that time. So we messed around. He was biting my nipples (I think I just realized I have big nipples. Some gays love them apparently. The blogger from London Preppy even used a clamp to make his bigger... But I HATE THEM, they kinda poke too much at my T-shirts) squeezing my body, and when he finished with that phase, he applied a shit load of lubes on my stomach and started to rub his rod against my body. That was how he got off eventually. He shaved his body which supposed to be a good news. But unfortunately for me, some of the hair just started to grow back. They weren't visible, but I sure could feel them when they moved like razors on my pelvis. It was hot though, somewhat painful because he constantly squeezed me, but overall was very hot. Eventually he shot all over my body and I started to jack off. He kinda backed out a bit to avoid cum on his face I guess. But the sexual tension was so strong and the moment was so hot, my cum went up at least a foot and shot straight to his face between his eyes and nose. We both froze and started to laugh hysterically for probably 5 mins.

After that, I suddenly felt that my interest in him started to escape like water pushing through failed levee. He kept saying that he really liked me. I liked him too, really. He was a cool guy with good sense of style. He laughs a lot and he sings and dances. He is involved in many broadway shows and is still trying to record an album etc... He is a load of fun and I know he would be a great fucker. I mean, his dick didn't go down even a bit after he came. IT WAS AS HARD AS HE STARTED. I didn't know it was biologically possible.... I actually asked him if that thing ever takes a break and goes down. He said if he wanted to, he could keep it up quite a long time...

When we cleaned up, we started to talk more about career, relationships and family etc... He showed me a lot of pictures of his friends. Man may I just say they were all pretty gorgeous. One of his black friends looks like a soap star and another Asian friend of his is already a model. I don't know... I never see myself actually having a relationship with someone like this. I always thought my future husband would be an i-banker...

I was ready to go.

He said,

"let's have dinner."
"ah I think I really should go."
"I see... Well You got what you wanted now you are ready to leave."
"it is not like that, I actually really like you."
"haha no you don't. You play it well."

I felt kinda stupid at that moment. I guess it was kinda obvious that I wasn't going to have a relationship with him and that was what he was looking for.

"ok let's go have dinner since I really do enjoy spending time with you even though you really don't believe me at this moment."

So we went to Fat Fish for dinner. At this point, conversation became more of a MOOOO point. Nothing significant or substantial going on and we were just killing time. Still chill and good conversation though....On the way back, he said,

"Sleep over tonight. Just tonight."

"I really can't I really have to go, got family stuff going tonight.... I will call you tomorrow."

"Ahhaha, no David, you will never call me."

"why are you saying that, I will call you."

"stay over no?"

"I really can't"

"alright, I really had a good time and I really like you. Anyways, good bye david."

It sounded so sad... I really wished there was more. I don't know. I just didn't see a future. We would be great together for a couple months. What happens after that? My theory is that if it is not gonna last why bother. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I know... the way I think about relationship is probably messed up. But I just feel i can't really trust anyone or anything when it comes to this...

I went home and texted him right away. We said our good nights.

He went back to Florida for Christmas and I texted him again on the eve.

That was it. No more contact from Rod.

I kinda miss him. I do wonder sometimes, what if I wasn't such a douche, maybe I have a boyfriend right now. Did I mention he is also a yoga instructor!

I still wonder today. I still have his number... maybe I should call him.

oh yeah... he deleted his account the 3rd day after we dated. I texted him and asked why. He said he hated that website. It is not real and he wants something real.

I am real and I just really wish I could see something between us. I just can't see it no matter how hard I tried. I guess chemistry and sex aren't everything even when I am young. But what really gives? Talking about having a baby and a family already sound insane to me. So what is the intermediate step there? I dont really know...

I think I should call Rod sometimes. He said he would go to Atlanta for a show for 2 months. Is he back to LA yet? He probably has a cute boyfriend by now already.

Yeah Back

Ok I didn't really go anywhere. But Blogging has been lagging it is pretty obvious right lol. I don't know. Last couple weeks just weren't for blogging. There were things happening but somehow whenever I am facing this screen I just didn't feel like typing. Recounting life is such a tiring experience.

Ok the three things that I was gonna talk about last time lol.

First I went to a real concern. Well my first real concert experience anyway. My friend got 4 tickets so it was Me him, his sister and his sister's friend. Her friend gives me a bit gay vibe. But again everyone is gay as long as the price is right, quoted from a gay friend of mine lol... He was kinda dorky cute. He wore a nice thin blazer and loafer. Yeah I noticed those two items because the blazer look like some expensive skin and the loafer made him look a bit British. He had big fingers too... Yeah I dont know why I notice these things but I do. My friend's sister is pretty and they were both very very smart. I mean lawyers come on.

The concert was in Downtown in this old theater. It was so amazing. Everything was so vintage. It gives you a bit flash back feeling; I felt like I was in the early 1800s or something. A SHIT LOAD OF CUTE GUYS. I felt abit overwhelmed because they were everywhere. At the same time I felt kinda restricted because I couldn't tell my friend that "OMG that guy is so cute that I can blow him right now". I know slutty and closet don't really mix.

The band was "Stars". Don't know anyone of you guys have ever heard of them. It is decent stuff, but by no means they were GREAT. But the experience was so good. The company was good, the stage was great, the light was awesome and people were really into the music. I really enjoyed it. And the cute guys hehe.

--

I had another hook up and I really felt like I am over hook ups now. I somehow feel empty afterward. It is like drugs it gets you high but crashes you hard. Somehow you want more of this abuse after that depressing crashing feeling subsides. It is very dangerous and emotionally unhealthy.

On the other hand, I started to talk to this older gentleman who lives in Beverly Hills, a retired lawyer at 45. Yes HE could be my DAD. But we have good conversations and he sounds like .. well fatherly. OMG I GOT ISSUES. I think I should see a shrink. This is like the 105ths time I mentioned that I needed a shrink yet the only one I am about to see is a older guy who could be my dad age wise and wants to fuck me. This is truly unhealthy. Howver, I do enjoy his conversation. So I might date him see what is going on. He is not fat at least. I swear I am not shallow.

--

Saw Jersey Boys with three gay bloggers with LA. I really enjoyed the show. I think I am pretty easily entertained. As long as it is not total ape shit, I can always appreciate some beauty of everything.

--

I just talked to a REALLY cute guy yesterday at gym. He is like model looking and his bright bright bright smile just melts my hearts away. BLESS MY LITTLE'O HEART. He is noticeably taller than I am which is rare and he looked very athletic and he was sooo beautiful. I actually asked him first. I really didn't have to. But he was irresistable. So I asked him

"do you know the name of this exercise?"

I actually needed to know. My trainer told me to write a workout diary and he provided me with the offical diary book etc, so I am the gymbunnynerd.

"..."

Yeap silence.

Oh. he had earphone on. That won't stop me from harrassing a cute guy. So I TAPPED HIS SHOULDER. lol.... he turned around I said

"do you know the name of this exercise, my trainer wants me to write down everything."

He smiled, and I died.

He said,

"ah... haha I actually don't but I do it a lot. I am sorry."

"It is alright."

10 mins later.

"USC kicked Arizona's ass, did you see the game."

"oh no I didn't but my coworkers couldn't stop talking about it. Did you go to SC?"

"No I went to LSU."

"oh cool."

"what is your name?"

"David. and you are?"

"Luke" (OMG LUKE SO CUTE, I swear I don't sound like a teenage girl in real life)

"I haven't seen you here often, are you new?"

"oh no, I am here for about a year."

"then what time do you come in usually"

"ah here and there random times"

"I see. Do you work around here or live around here?"

"Oh I live right up here and I work in downtown." (ok most likely a banker or lawyer and right up here that is expensive... ok educated and smart awesome)

"Nice Nice. YEah I live close by as well."

"Ah What is your name again, I am really bad at names. Sorry."

"David, should be easy right."

WE shook hands. Nice hand....

"Maybe I can catch a spot from you next time David."

"Alright." ( you can catch anything from me stud...)

It was so sweet.... I am gonna go on the weekends more now. So I would catch him more. I mean he is like 110% not gay but I am kinda crazy so it won't matter. mu hahaha...

--

Bummer, my mom went to China for 20 days for business. Sigh living with my dad is painful. Maybe I should move in with that older guy and wash his pool... Enough of the crazy talk...

--

My current physical status. I know it is not impressive at all but I made progress and I do feel good and I still working on it. Let's monitor it till summer. I shall whore by that time mu hahaha.

height, 6' and half inch.
weight, 178lb
Fat %, 12.5%
Chest, 38 and half
Bicept 14 3/4
Leg, 19 and half,
Waist...............34" -_-... I swear I wear 32 just fine! The soft fat is bullshit. Oh well....

My trainer's goal for me
Height, no change,
Weight, doesn't matter,
Fat%, 10-12% is fine
Chest, 42
Bicepts 16
Legs are ok
Waist 29.

-o-.... pain guaranteed...

Ciao bitches.

The Iphone!!

I seriously wasn't into it before just because everyone else seems to be crazy about it. But now it is out and after watching some Ads and video clips of how iphone works, I have to say that I am very intrigue. god damn those apple product makers. But 500 dollars hmmm where can I cough that much money up? Maybe I should follow the fine steps of some other fellow bloggers, sell my underwear and semen online. Oh sell a kidney. Yes, I got two you know... gah...

On a more serious note, I got an interview on July 3rd. It is a job that I need but don't really want. It pays ok but a bit underwhelming to my standard. We will see what happens.

Last night I went to a see a friend of mine and I told her that I was gay. She was shocked but totally supportive. I actually feel good that my friends, are all very supportive and mature. I mean you would think that in 2007 the "coming out" process should have already been eliminated but oh no, people like to hate each other based on simple and stupid reasons. W/E!!

A shout out to SSR, hope it is not as painful now and you get well fast!

Another shout out for Jay, thanks for all the help!! Really appreciate it.

Also, just quickly mention some of the blog site discoveries. Thanks for Justin, I now read Nothing Golden Stays, you can find it in my blogroll. I feel that his blog is so representative of how people are when they are in the closet for a long time and finally feel this ain't right no more. As I said in my first post, blogging is a great to just rant and vent till you have enough real courage to rant and vent to your own friends. Nice write, cool attitude, I like it a lot.

Also, I linked Urban Insanity. I have read that blog once before, liked it, but didn't link it. Then I couldn't find it anymore. Now that I come across it again, I have to say I still like it very much! The guy is a macho lawyer and from that tiny pix he posted I feel that he looks pretty hot too haha. Most intriguing part of his blog is how he writes his encounters like a documentary in which events are recorded by a timeline and he comes back to update the same post when there is some development. The writing flows very well and it is a good read that is hard to stop. I just wish that he would write more. He updates very slowly.

Finally, I am going to post this Iphone Boy, very very cute imo. Plus this little thumbnail a friend of mine sent from NY. He asked me if I think this guy is cute so he can decided whether or not to bone him. Well he is cute alright but what I really want to know is who is gonna bone me! darn it. Also the same friend told me he used to hang out with Chad White, !~@#~!@~~~~... I was gonna post a pic of me at Seoul airport since it is one of the only few pictures I took in this trip. I actually had a lot of good places where I could take pictures but my mom hogged the camera and we kept forgetting to charge it! But upon opening this picture, which was taken after 14 hours of flight and probably 6 hours of dozing off, I don't look so well and I decided not to post it! Ah....

Simply cute.

His name is Jonathan Jesensky. He is what he describes as an aspiring model. I think that is an understatement. He has tons of published work and some run-way shows. Anyways, he is cute, handsome and clearly tons of fun. I like guys who can goof. I think I lack the goofing ability. I need to work on my goof. But he doesn't.

"this is my song for y'all ... gangsta style." lol sure with a gangsta 9-5 he is only cute haha. Oh well enjoy.

Video courtesy of Oh La La Blog.

Aww he is adorable lol~~~~~

Party Party, actually it was kinda interesting this time

It is 7:00am. I got home around 5:00am, and an online friend from Missouri wanted to play some games so we went on battle.net and played a couple. Now I am not even sleepy, not even with my new magic pillow. You know those pillows with special shapes that is supposed to keep your spine straight and increase your sleeping quality etc. I swear it helps and I love it! Anyways, let's get back to what I was going to write about lol...

I am in a chatty mood right now, so the post may be a bit rambling and a bit of laundry list but whatever haha. I write as I wish.

So as usual, a bit drama before sunset even arrived. Kiki, the girl who once was a close friend later turned into an utter bitch and distanced herself from everyone in our group graduated today. Last year, she didn't even show up at our graduation and the whole night, she didn't say one "congratulations". Yes everyone in our old group was super pissed. But we had fun at the club so we let it go. However, after the little gang fell through, and now it was her turn, everyone decided to ditch her graduation as well. I know, how bitchy of everyone hahaha. Oh well she had it coming. But this time it was a bit different. Her parents were here and they wanted to treat us dinner and then she wanted to go clubbing. The thing is that she is out of my life completely and the other two friends of hers really do not like her but somehow still hang around. Every time they get mad at her which is about at least once a week they would ramble about shits that she had done to me. It became an old story on a broken record. Long story short, everyone started to argue why we should/shouldn't show up. At the end, I ditched the whole thing since she never directly asked me at all and I was so indifferent about her now that I may say something that is really offensive at the dinner table and that would be just inappropriate. The other two friends went anyway.

So..... I called my other friends and they sure had a party at a club tonight.


The club's name is BLVD 3. Kinda swanky. But I believe this place passed its prime. Clubs in LA are just like fleas on a homeless dog. They are everywhere and come and go. Same location, different names. Old games. At least in NY, some notorious clubs would stand a long time. But in LA they kinda have to change it to make it attractive enough to be successful.

Anyways, the club itself was very nice. There was a huge outside area in which a lot of bungalow like tables scattered around. Inside, there were bunch tables outside of the dance floor and some more tables inside the dance floor. The tables outside of the dance floors were a bit higher than the dance floor, so whoever got the table would be able to have a semi birds eye view of the whole club. It was a decent area but I think the birds eye view kinda ruined it in my opinion. There was no mystery anymore and you can literally see everyone doing his/her thing. It separates you from the environment and crowd. I mean who would want to be an outsider or an observer in a club.

But yeah so we got there around 11:40pm which was too late for guest list. Since we had 10 people in total we just bought a table. It was 2 bottles table for 1000 dollars. So we got two bottles of Grey Goose. Personally I think Vodka is just gross... But everyone else seemed to love it. Compared this to LA gay clubs, I think the entertainment value that these straight clubs bring out is really not worth it for how much money you pay. Gay clubs, even the famous ones like the Abbey doesn't have this fancy shumancy shits, and the club is just as good.

However, the highlight of the night wasn't the club. It was a GUY, a very pretty guy lol. My friend L organised this party and her ex-boyfriend had become her friend now. His brother Chris from Singapore came over for his graduation. He was SOO freaking HAWT. Big brown eyes, high nose and a huge smile. His body was ripped and had tattoo on his right arm. Apparently, he didn't waste that good looks of his. Two weeks ago he just won the "Singapore most eligible bachelor" title. From our conversation, it seemed that his family is pretty wealthy and he is now manufacturing wall-paint in Singapore. I was talking to him the whole night and kept touching his lower back. Ok it may sound very offensive and slutty but actually it was much needed. The music was blasting so in order to make any kind of verbal communication we had to be 1 inch from each other. So the lower back hug was just a natural physical progression lol. It was nice..... He also told me that on his spare time he does print-ad modeling and TV commercials for LG phones etc. Yum... I am sure he does hahaha. I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

We actually finished the two bottles fairly quickly. Yeah I know, my friends were kinda like alcoholics lol. We danced some. I mean none of these people were good dancers. Well not like I am awesome at it but I can always appreciate great dancers.

Since we got there so late, by the time the club closed, everyone wasn't having enough of fun. So we decided to go to one of the guy's home in downtown LA. He and his gf bought a loft in downtown right around 9th and broadway. It was not that big, a typical loft. Basically it was a huge room and everything was in this one big room. Bedroom and living room were separated by a semi wall and you can get to the kitchen from the bedroom by walking forward a couple feet hehe. However, it felt great to be there. It was like a little love nest and it was plenty room for two people. They told us that this loft, basically a big room, cost them 650k. Even though I expected it to be somewhere around that range, I still felt kinda surprised. The real estate had gone just insane in the past years in California and I think it got even harder for people to just fulfill the basic American dreams nowadays. I mean 650k for a normal family that is like almost life long mortgage. No wonder people are so unhappy nowadays haha. But again, the inside was so nice and it really brought out a modem and yet traditional family warmth in the loft.

After being silly in the room for a while, everyone went to the rooftop. The loft building had a rooftop for parties. So they got a gym, a big pool, a jacuzzi and a big open area with sofa and fireplaces on the freaking roof top!! It was so nice. The 4:00am air was really refreshing. Everyone sobered up and sat around the sofas and chatted the night away. The entire downtown LA was under us and we could pretty much see everything that this city center had to offer. It was beautiful. Well at least as beautiful as a modern heavily polluted city could be. One of the guys got really excited and jumped in the pool in his underwear lol. Hilarious. Especially he wasn't even all that fit, so he did live up to his nickname---the hippo lol~~~.

Everyone was laughing and drinking (yes, they were still fucking drinking, a bottle of red wine). It was great. We made another round of toast to the proud USC class 07. Yes, the class 07 of USC, the best class ever is now ready to conquer the world.

Haha.

Jesus....

Isn't he just hot. Abs like that... I wonder if I can ever get that with my life time worth of workout.

Talking about working out. I went to the gym again today, this is my 3rd day in the gym this week. I have been somewhat committed this week. Today was my cardio day and running 20 mins with jogging/sprinting combo was pretty good. Tough, since I haven't done this for a while, but good at the same time because it felt refreshing afterward.

Then the doctor showed up again. I have seen him a couple of times before and then due to my schedule I wasn't able to catch him for a while. Today I saw him again and I decided to talk to him more see if he is indeed gay. Unfortunately my gaydar was way off this time again. Even though he had the vibe but I guess it was just because he was a doctor and he really knew better than average guy at his age. He really has very nice abs and chest. Very nice ones. Despite the fact that I finally figured out his age -- a whooping 44!!! I knew he must has been into his late 30s and 40s despite the fact that he looked like he was still in his early 30s. We kept talking and he told me that he was going through a very costly divorce. You see he wasn't just any doctor' he was a doctor with his own clinic treating couples or singles with infertility issues. Apparently his business took off extremely well, 20 million revenue a year well that is. We talked about how growing up and marriage related to each other, how bad the taxes and social security have gotten, and how sad that when the marriage just wasn't working out for the rich people. Time passed by very fast when talking was involved. I did 25 mins on the elliptical like nothing. Even though I was drenching, I didn't really feel bad at all. This was after 25 mins of jogging/sprinting. Man, even though I can't get in between his legs, I should at least go do cardio with him... But yeah the conversation went on and on and I wad nodding and agreeing. I was like, Yeah hmm huh yes I was sure it was painful that you had to pay your wife 40k a month for alimony but there was no way in the world that I can remotely relate to that. I mean I could barely make 40k a year lol~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ But it was a good talk and my dream has been shattered. Not only he was going through divorce but also fathered TWO children. Insane... Well, still, I have a weak spot for straight guys. lol. omg way to dig a fucking grave for my love life. Should I still ask if I can provide any person assistant to his painful divorce? lol....

Then I talked to this French guy named Franchie, lol... French Franchie. Ok I am a dork. But that is just kinda funny. He is very European. I always see him working out in the gym. Apparently he does work out all the time in the gym. Literally 7 days a week. I guess that is how he got his 0% fat torso. Seriously, 0%. All I see is muscle that looks like it's been carved out of marble on his body. He's got 3 green star tattoos scattered around his 8 packs area. He has this long fuzzy hair and sexy accent. I never talked to him because .. I don't know why I just never have. But today after figuring out that sexy doctor is straight and breeding, I just talked to him. He does VOICE OVER. some strange profession. I guess it must pay really well. He's done work for USC as well and he couldn't stop praising USC staffs. Ok here is the thing, he is totally hot and a bit flamboyant. But that means he is either gay or just being European. He is rocking a pair of Chanel sunglasses. But again when a guy is European all boundaries are blurred. I know that my gaydar has not attuned obviously I don't want to make a fool out of myself by asking. Beh.. we will see what happens.

I finally finished the entire series of Queer as Folk. The whole show is pretty good and truly groundbreaking for its time. It was introduced in late 90s for god's sake. With that much nudity and controversial topic I really have to give it props. Although it inevitably fell into many many pit holes that a gay show would, overall it is a genuine show and realistic. The crap that is showing on Bravo, the Noah's Arch, I have seen one episode and I think it is really bad. Not all gays are queens.

Talking about gays, I attending this thing called Generation Queer event hosted by this dude that I really dislike. But it is a big event hosted by LGBT not by him, so whatever. I am going. It it is a two days retreat at the Renaissance Hotel. Then we will attending GLAAD media award. Business attire required and I think it is annoying considering all we minions will be sitting high up in the balcony that without a special camera the entire show would never see us. We were there probably for the ambiance noises. I am actually bit nervous to go. It is gonna be A LOT of gays. tons of gays, loads of gays. I get a bit nervous because I feel i will be judged constantly. Yeah I am probably insane but I shouldn't be the only one.

I will have to see... maybe after all I couldn't go. Because this host invited me through email, website, AND facebook. I didn't RSVP the facebook invitation because I can't come out like that. So I am not sure if I am on that event list for sure. Oh man imagine I show up with my suit bag and only be told to go home and fuck myself... poor me....

What He Eats

This is what Ryan Reynald eats and it helped him gain 20 lbs of pure muscle for Blade Trinity. It looks simple and easy to follow. I am gonna eat like this religiously! Plus extra fattening stuff here and there lol.

• Breakfast 2 eggs, some "good" fat like a spoon of almond butter or slice of avocado, and 1 cup of oatmeal with applesauce
  
• Midmorning snack protein bar
  
• Lunch albacore tuna wrap or chicken and salad
  
• Midafternoon snack protein shake (whey and water), protein bar, or apple and almonds
  
• Dinner broiled fish or chicken, brown rice, vegetables, and salad
  
• Evening Snack protein shake
  

Is he serious?!

I wonder if he did this for the photo shoot or he was really answering a phone call.

Man... Cute and Talented! Those legs are super hot. I love legs. yum~~~~

A quiet Friday

It is Friday again. I ended up staying home this Friday. It feels kinda strange. I dont like being home, because it gives me a feeling of settling down. I like my life to be busy and spinning with excitement at all times. Comparing this Friday to last weekend, it is almost as if I lived in two lives. Last weekend was my Bday celebration. Because another frined of mine had her bday 2 days prior to mine, so we decided to celebrate the bday together at San Clemente beach. The plan was to have a bonfire... That was the plan till we found out that the bonfire pits at San Clemete beach were all occupied. These people who lived in the neighborhood went out that day around 5~6am to secure those pits. So my friends and I ended up at the beach without a pit and settled in the dark toward the end. It was a nightmare. Different groups of friends didn't get along, and people were pissed off left and right. My closest friend DoDo was espectially pissed because she planned the whole thing and home-made a cake for me. She was disappointed and so was I. But I couldn't leave because it was my party. At last, I ended up at friend's house and had a crazy party. 12 tequila patron shots later, I found a very happy place.

Yesterday, which was my actual bday, I went to DoDo's home to eat the cake, and she was still pissed by then, and accused me for the whole mess. I was shocked and disappointed because I did everything in my power to please everyone. I even wished that it wasn't my bday party so that I could just leave this whole mess. To make the situation worse, her brother who used to be my best friend, just got dumped by his gfriend right before his bday. So I invited him to the party and proposed that we should all celebrate together so that he could feel better. I did all this basically based on DoDo's request to treat her brother nice since it was his down time. And this guy, as spoiled as he's always been, gave me attitude for not preparing the whole thing better and he didn't have fun. I could care less, because he still thinks that I am this closest friend to him whereas I am already at a very different place.

While I was having my cake, she said that I should just gone home and not having fun that night. Some best friend I thought. In my heart I knew she didn't mean it like that, but it just sounded so horrible. Her reason to be still pissed is that her brother didn't have fun either. Why should I give a shit, considering I was the brother for her when her real brother was never there. So I left immediately right after the cake and felt shitty and upset the whole day today. I tried to ask her out to talk about it, but she was busy...

She just called and told me she was busy. So I dont know, I will probably just forget about it. But for her brother, I can't believe I have taken so much crap from this self-obssessed idiot over all these years.

Today is Friday, friends are scattered all over the places hanging out, I am home though...feeling a bit down.

Now, all I can think about is this a guy named Tanner who I met at the party last week. He studies at the Fashion Instution in downtown LA, which is not too far from my school. He has this super smooth white skin and very nice smile. Goofy and nice dancer.. ah... one of my female friends had a crush on him too I believe.. lol because this afternoon while we were having coffee at Starbucks, she talked about him multiple times. He also has this artistic styled hair. He was so cute and sweet, very nice built too. We were on a shot-taking binge, and I kept hugging him lol....we were having a great time, and I had a good touch of his whole body. YUM!! but I don't think he is gay and even he is I am still in the closet, I don't think it'd be possible. There were two other gay guys at the party too, John and Eric I think... they were grinding and kissing. since everyone esle was their friends they didn't care. It was actually very sweet because I felt so accepted somehow... Man... I was gonna come out to Dodo on that day, but I guess it is just not meant to be. Why being gay is so hard, I deserve that some special one too... When is that day going to come. I 'd be content if either 1. I have a gf so that at least I can have a picture-perfect life in front of my friends and family or 2. have a secret bf so that I will be really happy.

Boring Friday, slow night....moving along, let's see what happens tomorrow.