Straight to bedroom is really that much better if you don't think about it afterward

I talked to this guy on and off for a while, and it's been on and off for a long time.  I really didn't think it was going anywhere for a while.  But today all of sudden, progress has been made in a very dramatic fashion.  I was checking my email and we talked back and forth email and then switched to text in the middle of the day and then before I knew it we decided to meet up after we both finishing workout.

I had a super long day.  Left work around 8:30 and started working out around 845, when I finished showering it was already 10:00 pm.  I really thought we wouldn't meet up anymore, but he was totally up for it.  So we bot drove to a tea place and got tea and talked.

I have to say it was kinda awkward here and there, and he did look a bit different from his picture but not in a bad way.  However, I don't know if I am super tired or I was just indifferent, I didn't feel any hot for this guy which is surprising because I really thought he was very doable.  He wasn't really too spontaneous on the conversation so I actually had to try to make topics happen.  We ended up talking quite a bit without that awkwardness anymore but I felt so blah afterward.  

Now I am thinking if we met on a Sunday afternoon at his house we would probably have done it and totally not gonna think about this afterward.  But I am looking for a bit more than that at this stage in my life and he totally wasn't.  So for me I guess that killed all the interest for me.  I think he told me that when I asked him, he either wasn't attracted to me and tried to send that message in a nicer way or he was just really want to fuck around.  If it is the latter I don't really think I want to go through that much trouble to schedule and have sex with him because I learned over time that sex is  really about quality not the quantity.  However, overall I think I was just really disappointed that he just wanted to fuck around and we both don't feel the hots for each other.  So after a courteous conversation of one hour, I called the night and left. 

I just think it is probably not smart to know anyone worthwhile on a4a, i know right, what an easy concept. Anyways nothing too exciting on the love side.

---

Sunday afternoon, my VP treated me dinner for my upcoming bday and we had dinner at Cafe La Bohem in West Hollywood.  It was such a lovely place I highly recommended it.

Also Mr. 8 and I talked again and he wanted to fuck last week but at the time he asked me to go to his place I was still at work. I know how sad right.  So hopefully we can do it again soon he is so good... Sigh he is on the same boat with that guy I met tonight though. But at least he is hot, super endowed and good at sex so it is totally worth it. 

Fuck requesting much?

I should be happy about it but I still don't. I think I should go to an ex-gay program because for chicks, since I am not sexually attracted to them all I see is inner beauty anyway lol~~~

One of the super hot guys I have been talking to a little bit just messaged me asking when I can have some fun with him. This is his pics

Hopefully he is not flaky.

--- 

Another guy is this 18 year old black dude who is 6'4", 210 lb, masc. Sounds like fun. But I am just not too attracted to black guys sigh...

I also just got another really hot guy's aim but haven't really done much talking yet.

---

All of this is afterall just all talking. I don't know. After last night's fiasco, I find myself still longing for a relationship. Why am I such a sucker who doesn't learn,. I should just fuck all of them and write them in my little black book, like trophies you know. But that is really not what I want the most. I mean I do want them lol~~~~

---

I also want to meet this guy who blew me off 2 weeks ago. The over sleeper. He was really kind and sweet last night for listening to my rant about how pissed I was.  I don't know what I should do. We do like same sort of things and we like to talk about culture and politics, which is cool. But because I was retarded so that now HE READS THIS BLOG, he pretty much knows exactly what is going on. Not only there is no mystery but also it is kinda embarrassing. Now if I do ask him to do something, then hey you, who is reading it now, I am just gonna talk to you directly, you would probably feel like you are picking up a piece of left over, which is not a healthy start for any kind of relationship, including even just mere friendship. So yeah I dont know what to do with you.

---

I SWEAR I am no where near dramatic in real life. I guess online is like a place for my bad side to come out. 

I am so PISSED and humiliated!!

Have you ever tried someone that you felt like you are dating DOWN, like lowering your bar, decreasing your standard a bit, being nice for once, trying the dating thing like a normal person, THEN your little experimental date looks up and tell you, hmmm this is not what I am looking for. Sorry...

There are just too many things that are so wrong in this scenario.

----

Mistake #1.

I asked his picture, and some of them looked ok and some of them looked hmmm average. I thought I would at least go to the date and see him, maybe he is not too photogenic. We had good conversations and great chemistry, so why not give this a try. I was getting really excited as you guys can tell.  I showed up to dinner and met him. Ok it was not about being photogenic. He did look almost exactly like how he did in pictures. But in reality, he looked fatter. A bit double chin going on and definitely didn't look like 180lbs. Ok I AM 180lbs with the same height, and I look slim and have proportions, 42" chest hello. 

I was a bit disappointed to be honest. But always a trooper, I thought to myself that he was a great guy, and we had nice conversations, so this should be really good.

During dinner, I got to look at him a bit more close up. I thought I really preferred to look at him further away. It was a bit of struggle. Physically I was not really attracted to him. But he had a nice voice, shy in a cute way and generally enjoying my company. We talked about our experiences what not and I was very open about what I wanted and what I liked. He seemed to agree with everything I said. There was no dull moment, he kept trying and was good at keeping the conversation light and interesting. He laughed a lot and smiled a lot and I was pretty sure he liked it. He paid the dinner, about 60 bucks with tips. Pretty generous too I thought. I was so glad that I took a risk because it seemed like that it was paying off.

For the first time ever, with a guy to whom I only had dating intentions, I found myself able to look beyond the physical facade. I liked the ease of conversation. Like I said before, he wasn't sarcastic, so I never heard anything such as "if you are fat you will never get laid, uh hmm." Yes, that is what I have heard in my past experience from my gay friends/acquaintances. 

I was happy. I wasn't shallow and I have been enjoying a REAL DATE. Like those fucking straight people have been doing for a decade since their puberty. 

I was taking a risk, first step to fly. 

One reason I found myself in only fucking type of relationship is that, as I blogged before, I am too afraid. If I don't see myself with someone who would have at least a potential to have a long term relationship, then I would not even try. Let's just fuck, no harm no foul. NO FEELINGS hurt for anyone.

Today, I was willing to take a risk, to let it all hang loose once, even though it was for someone who I knew wasn't the ideal person. But at least it was a start. 

It was that much determination, that much effort went through my head while I tried to keep the date going smoothly. 

when I finally made that decision, I found peace. I wasn't looking at his small double chin or anything. I too had a real date, not a date where you head straight to the bedroom where the 8inch felt so great and that 6 packs felt so hard. 

Mistake #2.

I was too honest. This is how I am. I talk about anything that is on my mind. I told him this since the start before we even talked. I talked about how I treat people with no agenda and I let them know what I think and what I want right away, especially in a situation like this! I did feel like I may have sounded a bit more relationship oriented because I kept saying hooking up without feelings is getting tiring. he AGREED. I wasn't sure what game he was playing but he agreed and gave his two cents as well.

So the date went on just fine and we bought pink berry and went back to his place.

Mistake #3

I was playing good. It wasn't really playing though. Because I was so determined to do this right. I told him I wasn't going to fuck on the first date. BTW HE NAMED THIS THING AS A DATE. So I went in. He was as nervous as ever and didn't really approach me. So I put my head on his lap god damn I thought that WAS CUTE? How stupid. 

We talked more. I then asked for some pictures of his past girlfriend. The only reason was actually for vanity. Even though he wasn't that hot for me but I wanted to see if he had a hot girlfriend. Then that would somehow justify my compromise? I know it was an ill logic but it worked for me at that time. I guess I was still seeking for some sort of reassurance of he really deserved my first date, the biggest step I have ever taken relationship wise. He said he didn't take any. So I was just sitting there waiting for him to make a move. We kept talking about pictures then he showed me this long series of pictures in his camera about his trip to Chile etc... All I was thinking, ok is he going to make a move or what. I could tell he was horny. His breathing was definitely heavier and he was extra nervous and his body was tense. He often didn't know where he should put his hands. 

So finally I was just pretty sick of his shy nature, I lied down and he came over sitting there looking over me. I put his hands on my chest. I asked him,

"why are you so nervous?"

"I don't know I am just nervous kinda."

I kept my eye contact with him all this time.

"this is your house. I was hoping you could be more confident and more demanding."

"yeah i don't know I just don't know what to do."

"is this what you do with your girlfriend?"

"no."

"then what is wrong."

"i am not sure it just feels different."

"I see, I guess you don't find me attractive?"

"no I really like how you are, I think you are hot."

All this time when we were talking, his hands finally became more encouraged and started to  tingle my thigh by moving his fingers along my legs. 

Then I don't remember how it was, it moved on to fucking subject yet again. I was saying how tired pure fucking could be. His hands stopped moving. I noticed but I didn't think it was a big deal.

"then i said, god, you are so reserved. this is your home and I am here ain't I?"

"alright then."

Finally a sense of confidence came over, and he started to unbutton me and started to caress my chest and my abs. 

"I like your body. Nice skin color."

"let me see yours."

I lifted his shirt, his flappy belly popped out.

I stopped trying to see more. I thought to myself, "ok no sex anyway. I guess after all I still can't be a saint. I do need to maintain certain physical standard and he is a bit overweight, etc etc etc. "

At this point, I was getting annoyed and became really demanding, this is how I am anyway. 

"hmmm alright, so this is all you are gonna do tonight?"

"ah, I don't know. I am not sure. This is different."

"hmm I don't feel like doing anything anymore." He said

He walked to his fridge, got a bottle of water and asked me if I wanted anything. 

I was laying there like WTF IS HAPPENING?

"er.. what is this?"

"I don't know. I think we are looking for very different things. You are demanding and you want more from this."

I was thinking, omg I am not a slut I already said there would be NO SEX, what did he mean I wanted more.

"er... no, remember I told you my pants are not coming off tonight."

"right, no fuck on the first date."

"see this is too much, this is a date and you aren't just one of those fuck buddy type..." he said after pausing briefly.

"you think I want a relationship."

"yes, I think this is what it is. I kinda know you now, so I can't just fuck and then that is that. You are a nice guy, so I don't want to just fuck then end it like that. I can't do that. I am definitely not looking for a relationship and apparently that is what you are looking for."

"......... so that is what you think?  and you already 'know me'? Just so you know that whatever I have told you, I have told everyone that I have fucked."

"yeah, ok, i didn't mean it like that. I am saying that I think that is what it is. So I can't do it."

SERiOUSLY? The one time that I didn't want actual sex I got turned down? not only that, for a reason that has NEVER been part of me? I wanted to be a relationship oriented guy and failed at all times. Now suddenly I AM THE DEMANDING RELATIONSHIP type? like SERIOUSLY? 

STUPID FUCKING ME THAT when he said I wanted more, the FIRST thing that came to my mind was "IS HE THINKING I AM  A SLUT that I AM FAKING the no sex on the first date thing." 

IT WAS JUST THE opposite. like SERIOuslY?

It was irony at its best. 

It is like, 

When you feel a homeless person is so poor that you pulled over in your car just so that you can give him some change, he tells you that he only takes 1 dollar bills and above (happened in downtown area to me and my friends")

When you want to pity fuck someone he tells you that you aren't his type.

When you save a snake and it bites you.

I know all this don't sound quite fitting here but that is how I felt. Ironically embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt. 

The one time I tried to be a normal nice guy who doesn't want the shallow crap, I become the relationship oriented bitch who is desperate for some action. The one time I let my feeling hanging loose a bit, it gets pissed on all over by a fucking fat tard.

The one time I feel like that I am dating down, I am the one who gets rejected for all the wrong reasons. 

like SERIOUSLY!!

You know what? fuck buddies are not bad at all! Mine actually texted me earlier this morning told me how much he missed the hot fucks and hope we could do it again soon. 

You know what? playing hard to get definitely get you whole lot more hot asses and cocks to suck on.

You know what? being a typical superficial douchebag gay is the only way you don't get humiliated like this.

I told him that I have never been turned down by someone like him. I didn't say what I thought about him the first 5 mins I met him.

I said,

"you know what, let me just say this, ... never mind, it is not relevant and it is not necessary to hurt anyone's feeling here."

What I wanted to say was

"you are kinda overweight and rocking a double chin, I am really out of your league and when I am being so generous, how dare you fucking play this shit on me? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU to ruin MY  FIRST DATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAT FUCK."

Nothing came out, it was just all screaming back and forth in my skull.

He kept saying sorry, which made it even worse. 

I kept telling him, don't fucking say sorry, it is not my loss so please save it. I left his place and deleted his number. 

--- 

HNT - picture this thursday.

Arggg I talked to him

Well good conversation and crazy flirts kept exchanging the whole day today again. Everything went pretty well. 

Remember how I went batshit insecure again yesterday by just thinking about meeting him? Now I have same doubts to him. What if he finds me fine but I find him too different from that one picture that he sent me. What if he is beyond ugly, what if he has a bad personality in real life.

Then I remembered that I am crazy so I calmed down and asked him for more pictures.

Fast forward, I went to the gym did cardio and had a quick dinner with a friend. Got home checked email, empty. No pictures. So I picked up my phone selected his number and was about to text I received this text message from him,

"argggg, I don't like these pictures of mine. =/"

Ok.

"don't worry about it, we already talked for two days and I really like you so just send any picture, as normal as it can be."

"ok I just sent a nice picture of my butt."

WTF... I don't want to see your ass I want to see your face. 

"omg... man it up just me a face picture!"

So before he messaged me back I checked email again and it turned out that he sent a series of pictures with different poses, ass in his jeans, and picture of his eyes. He has two big green eyes. so cute. He is very butch and young and I really like that. It is true, usually you really can't describe your type... words just don't come close. I am sure a lot of people don't find him cute but he is exactly my type, the type i can see myself being with for a long time, the type I would like to compromise things that I won't do for my dad. I don't know, it is just the intangible chemistry factor. OH god I hope he feels the same way about me.

So I told him to log on AIM so we could talk. No reply. I messaged him again, no reply. 

So I was like wth... I picked up the phone and called him. He answered. It turned out that he went to Bristo Farm and got a salad.

He sounded a bit shy but his voice was really cute and calm so he didnt sound nervous at all. He was just as chill as he sounded on aim. We flirted a little bit and talked about normal things. I complimented him a couple times and I could tell that he got shy again and said he doesn't deal with compliment all that well. 

Anyways, I sent him some of my pics and he said mine looked cute. w/e he is probably lying...

So we talked about the detail regarding Thursday again and I said I was pretty excited. He said the same thing but he could be lying, not sure.

We said good night to each other and hung up.

I liked our little 10 mins chat. It felt pretty natural and comfortable. But now both saw each other more and even talked, I wasn't sure if the chemistry was still the same. I was going batshit crazy again...

Then he sent a text said, 

"nice ass, btw." (I sent a pic of my ass in return).

"oh not gonna lie I think I do have a nice ass. haha that sounded cocky."

"not cocky if it is true."

":-)."

He then said something flirty and kinda dirty LOL...

Le sigh..

I don't know. I like his personality. I have yet talked to many guys who give me this comfortable vibe. I don't even remember a guy has given me this sense of ease. He is not sarcastic and able to hold a conversation without being dramatic, self centered, or emotional. Ok I do appreciate people who are full of feelings but when the slightest mood swing engraves your face with an ugly contour then that is just not pleasant. And I have seen plenty people like that. ok My point is I really like how he is and I really really hope this turns out to be something more, something better than just a couple quick fuck. I am pretty tired of that... sigh... I am desperate for love. FOR LOVe not sex, this is so hard.

Once I am determined to get more from this guy, I told him I am not going to fuck on the first date, hope he is cool with that. Well see this is me. I know exactly what I want, and if my conditions aren't met and I am not going to get it then I might just as well not going to start the journey. No compromise here. He just texted back saying of course he is ok with that. 

Good start hehe.

Now this is my ass, I guess I will use this as my long overdue HNT #02.

I think it could be more bubbly. If I flex I am sure I can pump it up another inch, but definitely more squads... 

I cried just a tiny little bit

Ok I am such a sucker for things like this. arggg, but isn't he amazing. Angelic voice le sigh.



--- 

Today I got UCLA hunk's aim, and we basically chatted up the whole day. From no expectation to extremely high expectation. We had so much fun talking and flirting and he sounded like the exact kind of guy I want in my life as a boyfriend. Also, he was part of the air force reserve back in college, so he did the training and the whole shebang, so freaking HOT!!! You see how stupid I am? I haven't seen him, just saw a couple pictures then talked to him on aim and now i am already thinking about being his boyfriend. Sigh... never learn!.... But we both enjoyed the conversation throughout the entire day and we planned to meet up on Thursday for dinner. See if I don't know him then I can be completely confident. But now after talking, I have expectations and I want him have his expectation from me fulfilled and suddenly I am not as confident. The doubts flooded in. What if he doesn't find me attractive, what if our conversation becomes dull, what if ... I know it is so stupid. We should find out the answers for all that soon. Well in three days.

I also got a chance to talk to my Black guy friend. He messaged me last night and then logged off because according to him I wasn't very talkative at the moment. So this morning, we started talking and he suddenly lashed out at Asians. Actually, he soon started to lash out against dudes in general, saying how he got hurt by games all the time and people are just generally fake. I somehow wasn't phased by his tantrum by the slightest. I was calm and I proceeded to show him why his accusations of Asians were unfound. Well his accusations definitely hold true to a lot of Asian people but I believe most of them are still generally good people and I really felt the responsibility to build the racial connection and defend my own people in this microscopic way. Finally good reasoning won out and he admitted that he was just frustrated. But after this incident, I can guarantee that I will not fool around with him ever again. That is for sure.

On the other hand, work related thing, I am forced to work TWO hours overtime everyday for the next three weeks. Also, I might be forced to come in ON SATURDAYS. Ok Fuck this shit really. For the amount of money I make I really shouldn't be required to come in on SATURDAY. The work is stressful in the first couple weeks but we are all adults here and if the work is not done I think we will do overtime as needed so that we can finish. Enforcing overtime is one of the most irresponsible thing a manage team can do. If the worker is incompetent the overtime will just still be wasted anyway. Let the employee work overtime based on their schedule as long as the work is done and done well right?

I really believe this is one big problem with corporate America. If the top management is anal, micro management and recruiting all the mindless peons instead of seeking out talents, then yes, the corporate culture would suffer. Because that management style would trigger down from top all the way to the bottom. Also, the corporate America is still ruled by the baby boomers who learned management styles from their past experiences. A lot of them use micro management and iron fist rule to feel secure and maintain dignity. But that does not bode well with our generation, period. 

In my business major back in USC, we took at least 2 semester classes mainly focused on business communications and learn the difference of professional communication and personal communication. But alas, who gives a shit about the difference. Some of the psycho managers often throw their tantrum at their employees and employ their personal humor or style at will with no regard how the other party would feel about that whatsoever. What they don't know is that their personal humor/style comes off either arrogant, thoughtless or simply buttplug style bitchy.  We should always remember that being in a supervision position simply means that you have a better knowledge and have the ability to lead. We didn't elect you as a manager/supervisor with a popularity contest. So I don't know what made them feel like their personality is the shining star that comes out every fucking 10 mins to blind others.

Micro management is the past and I think human resource should be more strategic. Asking your employee to log in activities on Outlook EVERY FUCKING HOUR is not how you guarantee that they have something to do. IF your employee started slacking, then it is either you as a manager didn't plan the workload for them well so that they are overwhelmed in the beginning and now they just don't have stuff to do, OR they are not qualified employees. I mean if they can't work under supervision, then you should get a new person on your team. Doing stupid micro managing shenanigans is only a waste of time for everyone and has nothing to boost morale which is so vital for the turn over. Let me tell you our turn over is ugly. Work content is one thing but management is a huge factor as well. Just because the company is huge doesn't mean that they can literally afford to lose anyone. Especially considering the entertainment industry is on the verge of being revolutionized with new media, I don't know how the old method seems to be a good idea to continue. Talent is everything on all levels. God I can go on and on with this.

Luckily I have had a good manager for three quarters who didn't micro manage. However I have witnessed enough to worry. My manager is changing position in this up coming quarter. I hope my new manager isn't going to be a talentless drone. 

Inappropriate employee, flaked, shallow, politics

Today truly sucked.

I am going to write four events. Event one is work experience, event two is a date that'd gone flake, event three is a rant regarding someone shallow, event four a political issue. Please be advised that if you don't want to get political, please do not read event FOUR.

Event 1,

Ok our company is passing out Berlin Walls. Yes you heard it right. Despite the fact that, Germany decided to stop disintegrate their historic walls, we still keep getting them. I just really didn't care for the wall piece, but one of our temporary worker wanted it, and she is pretty cool so we went there to get her a piece.

The assistant who was responsible for handing out the wall pieces was a major bitch. She sat there giving us this indifferent look. I tried to ease the uncomfortable moment and talked to her. This is what came out of this bitch's mouth,

"hm, can you guys give me a call first next time you come back? You know so I can get prepared, and get organized."

So I said,

"ah.. ok. well what can we do, we all just love historic walls. hehe"

"hm? what do you mean, you like walls?"

My mouth was just hanging open and I got really pissed.

"hehe, (fake laugh), I dont understand, you like walls, like the walls there." Looking at the wall behind me. fucking retard...

My coworker chimed in, "he meant the berlin wall."

"oh." rolling her eyes.

I turned my back on her, and she kept talking to me, and I proceeded talking to my coworker and left her hanging. I left the rooming without picking up the stupid wall.

Awkward? Yes, but Her tone was extremely annoying and her attitude was definitely offensive. It was as if we were those kind of people who would love to get anything for free.

The outrageous thing is that,

1. We will never come back, each employee is qualified for one piece of fucking walls and I didn't even want this piece of fucking wall.

2. WHO THE FUCK do you think you are. You are an assistant and your job description is to assist whatever your boss needs help for, and handing out the wall is one of the CORPORATE initiative. IF you can't lift your precious fingers to just hand out some boxed wall pieces, you should not have applied for your job. If you had any decent education, you would have had a real job now wouldn't you?

3. Organize WHAT? You desk was as clean as new, and all you had to do was to open a Word document, write down our employee ID and then hand out the fucking wall that is in the box NEXT to your desk.

I just hate people who have attitude for nothing. I personally don't deal with attitude well at all. Place yourself in the right position. If you think this job is so below you then get the fuck out. If you think you are better than this, go find a better job. If you take it, then don't be a anal annoyance to other people. What is worse is that we all tried to make her cheer up and all that came back were these retarded responses.

Event 2.

I have been talking to this guy from UCLA, 22-23, looks kinda cute and we had great conversations last week. So on the weekend I asked him out to have dinner and chill in Westwood. Plans were set and I was really looking forward to this. I talked to him in the afternoon around 3 pm and confirmed the event. He said he was going to take a nap but told me to call him before I leave so that he would know when I was leaving etc. Sounded all very genuine and interested.

630pm rolled by and I was ready to leave. Rested a bit in my car since he suggested I should leave a bit later to avoid traffic. Called him @ 645 the first time. Rang 6 times to voicemail. Called the second time once I reached my car around 650pm. Still voicemail. I needed gas, so I went to the gas station next to work. Meanwhile texted him telling him that I was leaving now and if he got my message let me know. Got to the gas station filled up and called one more time telling him that the drive is quite long (20 miles subject to some traffic and returning route for me would be around 30 miles), so I don't want to drive out there in case he had something come up. So I told him in the voicemail that I would wait for his call till 715 then I would be heading home. 720pm rolled by. I drove home.

830pm he texted me saying that his phone was on silence and he just woke up. Are you fucking kidding me or do I look or sound like a retard/doormat? He can't put an alarm on and took a nap that lasted almost 6 hours in the afternoon? It is just ridiculous nowadays. I mean I remembered when I grew up, as kids when I didn't understand much, I would at least inform others or do something to prevent missing an appointment. THIS WAS A DATE. I guess the chemistry wasn't as strong as I thought it was and if I were just whatevers and worth less than a small effort to set an alarm on a cellphone then so be it.

Event 3

There was this cute guy who messaged me online to talk to me. I actually really liked his looks. But after talking for a while I realized that his english could be improved a little but I didn't mind. After talking to each other a couple times, we just stopped talking, w/e, it was mutual. One day I was wondering if he was still interested, so I messaged him. He sounded interested because he started to talk about what happened in his life and what he liked etc. Then I was like so do you still wanna hang out sometimes. He was like sure, can I have more pictures? That was back then before I bought my Mac Book Pro (you see how I typed out the full name, yes I love it that much), and I do not take pictures on my own since my camera has been seized by my parents for business use. All I had was some facebook pictures usually taken from party events. A couple pictures that I had that was close shots were like 1 -2 years old. So I gave him some. He kept complaining that ah it wasn't clear enough and how I didn't want to give him my pictures etc. I told him I could provide some later when I get my computer. From there his attitude was cold and rude, so I ditched him right away.

Fast forward 1 month, I got my Mac and I posted some newly taken picture online. He then couldn't leave me alone. He emailed me three times on three occasions and tried to be cute and nice. I lost all my interests so all I told him was that we have talked before and there was no chemistry, thanks for messaging and bye bye. He just kept emailing. Today he did it again. Bitch chose the wrong time to be fake cute. So I said,

"I already told you many times, we talked and I am not interested at all, so could just freaking go away. Thank you."

Surprisingly, he emailed back saying, "oh sorry if I did something wrong, just wanted to say hi."

This could have been really sweet if I didn't already know how he was, now he just sounded desperate, shallow, and pathetic. So I said, "you didn't do anything wrong, you just pulled a typical gay stereotype, you were shallow and superficial." Then I blocked him.

I am just so surprised nowadays. Whenever I see someone who talks to me, I would at least try to look beyond the physical stuff and talk a bit. When you are nice and polite, they usually pull the I am more fabulous card on me. When you gain some attitude, they suddenly become so apologetic. How dysfunctional.

This is just in. Got Rejected in the Club by a potential one night stand This guy messaged me and said hi. I just replied something nice and he said oh hey baby it is me, sex btm, sorry I didn't get to fuck you last time, maybe we can hookup soon. Want to see my cock? Realizing who he is. I said oh hi, sorry about last time, I had a misunderstanding (which is true one of the gays told me he wanted to hook up), thanks for the advanced warning, but no thanks I will pass. God so arrogantly conceited. Freaking... But I felt good saying that because now he knows how I felt!! This is his picture. 

Event 4

CNN kept reporting how the Olympic rally has been disrupted and this definitely pisses me off. I am raised in China and got my teen --> adult education in America. I have exposure to both culture and both ideologies. With my own education and understanding, I think Tibet is no one else's business. It is a sovereignty issue that is between China and Tibet.

Tibet empire has been controlled and conquered by China hundreds of years ago and based on the Chinese empirical ruling policy, we do not interfere the nomads that roam on the remote Tibetan area. Instead they would act as a state just like any state in U.S.A. and contribute tax and donations each year to the Chinese empire that rule the inland. We did respect their spiritual leader and this agreement has always been in place. They were not allowed to invade any territory with in the Chinese border and the Chinese empire would in turn protect them from other tribes who didn't enter this treaty with Chinese empire, or foreign invaders.

This continued to modern China where the current Chinese government allowed the spiritual leader's spiritual guidance as long as they do not disrupt peace and Chinese sovereignty. Other than that, they are free people. But too bad they weren't up for the peace and as a nation, we will not tolerate treason and riot.

I am sorry if that sounded so Communism. But that has nothing to do with Communist. Just remember how we Americans, got California, Hawaii, Alaska, what happened to the Indians, Blacks and other minority who struggled for decades for equality. Should Mexico government ask for California back, people would just laugh at this idea.

Just most recently, the Absolute Vodka campaign which suggested that in an Absolute world of Mexico's heritage, half of America would be still owned by Mexico. OH dear lord no, this ad generated so much protest that the vodka's parent company had to pull the ad immediately.

Just imagine a Hawaiian royal requires Hawaii's independence and supersession from U.S.A., demanding their own constitution and sovereignty, and during this process, disrupt all local peace, start rioting, protesting with violence, you think American Federal Government would just watch? Arrest will be made and people would be killed. Is that human rights issue? Fuck no.

For people who do not understand Chinese history can simply blindly accuse China for human rights violation and think Tibet should be independent as it wishes. It is simply not like that. I am sorry that 1.x billion Chinese in China right now do not only believe that Tibet is, has always been, and will always be part of China, just like Taiwan, but also STRONGLY support the government's action. Myself included. I am sorry that they don't like that but that is how it is going to be. China will become the next super power and share the power struggle with America and Russia in the world. It is a fact. Its leaders are now all foreign educated who are firm believers of CAPITALISM and yet wielded with the convenience of Communism political tools. The nation is maturing and with improvement on all aspects of the society, its people are only enjoying their better lives. With these, some petty protests are not going to change the mind of the vast majority of the nation. The government and its people as one have similar believes and opinions and with that Tibet will never win. It is just a fact.

It is incredible that with all these western influences and these protests and criticism, my generation of Chinese, the early twentysomes have never been more pro China in history. Maybe that is a message.

I remembered that in the 40s, Mao said that he will lead China to save the world because the world is suffering from the evil capitalists. Ironically, the Chinese couldn't even meet the basic survival needs. No food, no healthcare, and no social stability. The only thing that were plenty were political movements, which were chaotic, violent, and cruel. Yet Mao wanted to save the world.

60 years later. Chinese are busting into Forbe 500 and has one of the HIGHEST living standard in the world, yet the western world is still willing to save China despite the fact that our OWN  economy here is in a DEEP hole. We are in a war we will never win; race is still the elephant in the room, and gays are treated like 3rd class citizens behind the racial minorities, etc... i am not sure who we should save first. Other people or ourselves? GET A GRIP , reality check people.

A quick date

There is a doctor who I have been talking to on and off lately. He looks good in pictures and he is very physically active. He does lots out door sports such as surfing, snowboarding, climbing and tennis etc, which is very attractive to me. He works out a lot and has a nice body. He is a cardiac anesthetist or something... does a lot of surgeries what not. So it is kinda cool. So I called him today and talked to him. I liked how he sounded confident and a bit cocky and I guess he liked my energy and jokes. So anyways, we decided to meet up really quick before I go to dinner tonight.

Our date place was at the Peet's coffee shop in Pasadena. I have to say the Peet's coffee shop was a pretty good place and their coffee is definitely delicious. I don't know why people would go to the starbucks next door when this place is right there. Anyways, I walked in first and was wondering if I stood in the right line. I was looking up at the menu... Hmmm house blend, 12 bucks. holly shit, why the coffee here is so expensive! Then I realized it was /lb... Suddenly a tall Asian guy who was PRETTY cute said oh excuse me are you in line. Then we started talking. He was definitely gay and definitely a bit too friendly with me. I don't I just felt happy today and I guess I looked confident etc so he was definitely giving me extra attention than needed. 

As we were talking, the doctor walked in and saw me talking to the guy so he passed us went to the "for here" line. I finished talking to the Asian dude and headed to him right away, we shook hand and immediately started talking. I guess we had chemistry since we never stopped talking. We moved around and walked around in and out of the coffee shop and kept the conversation going. It was more of a getting to know you kinda process instead of flirting. He said he got out of a relationship a while ago and it was just a really bad lesson to learn and it also happened that his last bf was also Asian.  

Overall, the conversation had a very good flow, both of us were at ease and there weren't any dull moment. When I decided to talk less he would become more engaging and asked more questions or just kept the conversation going on his side, which is a good sign. 

I don't know I think it went really well, but here are several down side:

1. A bit too well, we talked more like two gay friends catching up. It is like as if we already are kinda like friends, and we just haven't hung out for a while so we are catching up the missing pages. A bit too friendly. Although there were several sexual jokes. One was that I said something like "oh I would like to put my head on your giant chest and my hands caressing your crotch." before on text message, so today he asked me if that offer if is still valid. Another one was that he said he really liked my size, the height and body type and he asked me if everything is in proportion. So I mean I guess that is good. He kept it civil yet interesting. However, I wished there were more flirting and more sexual tension. 

2. He looked older in person. He said he was 36 which is 12 years older than I am. I think that is perfectly fine. But definitely at my borderline of dateable measures. He looked pretty fine in this one picture that he took during a climbing trip. Everything was so smooth. However in person, his years of medical school showed up well and clear on his face. His eye corners had plenty wrinkles, so are his mouth areas. He appeared to be shorter as well. He said he was 6' but I felt he was only 5'10" because I am between 6' and 6'1". And he was definitely shorter than I was. Also he wasn't looking for relationships so he was more for the fun.

3. He was going to train a "friend" who was 19 years old in the gym and "helping him out" after our little meeting. Great...

4. Since I am blogging about him I wondered what he is doing, so I sent him a hey message on his email and a text message asking if he is still up. He logged off online and wasn't replying my text. That is a bit flaky.

5. From the conversation, doesn't sound like he could give me mind blowing fucks, that would be a problem I think.

But anyways, despite these little red flags, the conversation was very dynamic and we laughed a lot and agreed with each other a lot. Time passed by fairly fast and before we knew it, it was already 740 which was about 2 hours already. So we kissed on the cheek and hugged each other tightly and we made preliminary plans for dinner tomorrow night. Hmmmm according to the sense of flakiness that I am sensing now, I doubt it would go down as planned. We shall see. This is him.

---

I wanted to blog this is because after having a really goofy and fun dinner/tea time with my other friends. I suddenly felt a bit lonely. My two friends were living by themselves since they were kinda young. Like 19 years old and the other one was since her early teens. So they could deal with this alone time very well. I on the other hand needs company all the time. I don't necessarily need attention all the time but I just want to have a person in the room who would care enough to talk to me a bit more when I feel down or sick... I just need that insurance. I have good friends, some are really close, however, as I grow older I just feel that I can depend on them less even though the friendship hasn't changed. I am not sure if you know what I mean. I think the only thing that can replace this emptiness or give me insurance is a husband. I am 24 and still just dating and kinda fucking which is not a good outlook. I want kids and family and I want the insurance of a family and I have nothing like that insight. 

My parents are out of town this weekend. I am not missing them for these two days but the house became so empty and I just have this previews of how my life is after I move out in a year or so. Just so you know I am living home not for the "child" loneliness reason. It just doesn't make financial sense right now and I can swallow a bit pride and allow myself to have some financial backups. But the independent issue is definitely there.

These dates make me wanna have a dependable ideal husband who would take care of me emotionally. I somehow just don't feel safe in a way. I am kinda confused. sigh..

My card

It is 4:25am and I am about to crash. Last night I stayed up all night and today somehow my body held up just fine. I guess it is just secretly waiting to crash on me at the most critical moment. Well doesn't matter now I am gonna make it rest up so its evil plan will never come true.

Anyway I found this little quiz on SSR's blog Waiting on Life. The quiz shows you that which tarot card you are. I like mysterious and silly stuff like this. I chose the dragon set and the result is really fulfilling. It really matches my secret wish hahahaha.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

The date went alright. It wasn't awkward and there wasn't any silent moment. We kept talking about random stuff like TV shows, fitness, family etc. But there wasn't chemistry for sure. He wasn't as cute in person because he is extremely tall 6'5" and very pale and skinny. He is way gayer than how he looks like in the pictures and how he sounded on the phone. I guess he found the same about me, he probably didn't think I was as cute in person etc. I don't know. It is a bit disappointing. I would rather people just be blunt about it and he wasn't. I felt as if he was trying to tell me that he didn't think I was cute in other terms and that thought bugged me a lot. I might have read into things a bit too much but one thing for sure that fucking chemistry was absent and that was pretty much all I cared about anyway... oh well, I could care less now. It was an interesting night. It is my first official date for the sake of dating in my life. It felt weird and I felt so traditional. Anyway, there wasn't sex and I just drove home. Now I think about it, I am old enough, maybe I really start hitting the gay scene like an adult. It might awkward in the beginning but for sure I would be talking to people who are interested in me to begin with. Beh sleeping time.

Aging fast

It is 8:00am. I haven't slept yet. At this rate I would be a 23 year old raisin face in no time =/

Well I have to blame on Justin. We were chatting and gay.com came up. After his experience with it, I was a bit intrigued well mostly bored. I came back from the coffee run with M and thought about the gay.com thing. Video game friend wasn't online and it was only 1:00am. So I went to gay.com and checked it out. Went to the chatroom. I think I have been to chatroom 3 times in my life for any kind of reason not just the gay ones. I never liked it because ... it just feels strange. The first five minutes in didn't help. I was swarmed by private chats that promote personal webcam services. So I asked in the public channel if there were any sane people who just wanted to chat. A guy named Comet411 came up and we started chatting. This is what got REALLY CREEPY. It turned out that I do not only know this guy but also taking the same god damn class together this semester. A.W.K.W.A.R.D. I didn't like him in particular and people around me in that class didn't like him. I think he thought that he was pretty masculine however many people I knew mentioned that they kinda thought he was gay. lol... See, other's perception of you does differ from what you think about yourself.

So that was that. Weird, awkward, but kinda funny. He was pissed that he couldn't figure out who I was. He was so certain that he knew but when he asked me if I am Alex, I was laughing my ass off. oh well.

Then, I chatted with another guy, whatever. But the last one I chatted named J. J also goes to USC. Hm.. the world is indeed too small. J looked cute and I found him on facebook and yes he still looked cute there haha. He looked a bit pale in those pictures but still cute. We talked a bit. It was kinda forced conversation in the beginning by me eventually we exchanged aim and right about when I was ready to call it the night he started to be more active. So we proceeded to exchange picture. I gave him one of my pix that I took in my sad little bathroom. Looking all alert and shit. He said cute. I am like hmmm maybe in that picture lol... Anyways, we then exchanged number and made plan for Monday night. Dinner or Hookah I don't know exactly what yet. I texted him my # right after he gave me his and then about 10 mins later he actually called. I liked his voice too. Besides he is tall. 6'5''. It is pretty hard to find a person I am pretty attracted to and attainable and taller than I am...

This is really bizarre considering I have never had a date with a guy before. Fucked? yes, Date? no. Especially considering how I got it. It is so random. Maybe it is just harmless thing. But I still do consider it as a date. One reason being we talked about hooking up, and he said that he met people on gay.com to just chat then proceeded to have coffee and dinner and sometimes they did hook up. Pretty much that means hooking up with a standard. So this is no different. Second he kept asking me for more pictures and said we should definitely hang out and of course it'd be better if he could know how I looked more before we do. OH well. I am not having ANY expectations whatsoever. As far as I concern, the whole dinner thing could be extremely awkward. But I just think it is so interesting that how many things can happen just from one click away when I am bored. Yeap, life happens.

Beh...

AP has politely refused to be my friend with benefit request. Ok sad... Then I was talking to another guy last night. We talked for 1 hour and half, and we exchanged number. Actually I asked him if he wanted to exchange number or if he thought it was still too soon. He gave me his number without hesitation. Then I texted him saying that it was great talking to him and hopefully I we could hang out soon and here was my number. He texted back right away saying good night! Everything seemed to be pretty good. The conversation never stopped and the subject was interesting. Well I was talking to several people at the same time maybe it didn't go as well as I thought I don't know.

Anyways, I texted him saying happy hump day on V-day. No reply. Called him today, no one picked up. And I never got a response. Sigh... flakes. So annoying

Mixed message

Today it was the usual U-rap Monday. The gays in the LGBT get together to discuss a topic. But today we had a different event; we went to El Cholo restaurant in LA to have dinner. A lot of people showed up, well, for U-rap meetings it was a lot. There were about 15 people went.

There is one guy whom I have seen three times in the U-rap meeting already. Let's call him AP. He is from Istanbul, kinda cute. He could be hotter if he changes his hair haha. I didn't really talk to him all that much in the beginning because he was kinda quiet. But then today we sat together and started talking throughout the entire dinner. It was pretty fun. It was easy talking to him. After dinner, I proposed to go to Westwood for Hookah a bit and he came along. Just two of us. We sat down and ordered a hookah and some tea and started talking again. The usual stuff you know, how you like it here, what kind of guys do you like, how was his clubbing last weekend, the family issues, coming out etc. It turned out that he just came out very recently and he was pretty excited to just explore. He said he went to Tiger Heat and got extremely drunk and made out with lots guys and groped someone's penis. Sounds like alot of fun hehe. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him. He had girlfriends before, 5 of them actually and he had sex with them too. Even though he said he was 100% gay he was still able to have sex with them. I call that skill haha.

But anyways, toward the end, I decided to ask him out for dates. This was my first time doing this ever in my life. I have asked people for sex before but not for dates. I thought I would be really nervous and probably get rejected on the spot. It didn't matter regardless. I was too tired to have encounters and have sex with people whom I don't like or just not having sex at all. I wanted a boyfriend or a companionship you know people who have sex on occasions but are good friends too. So I really made up my mind. What is the worst could happen right? A big fucking "no". I won't die. Also since I just met him and if I ask him out now it wouldn't be weird at all. If he said no then we could just become friends no big deal.

So I dropped him off at his house near USC. Before he left, I made my move and surprisingly I wasn't nervous at all.

"Hey AP, it was great talking to you, I had a good time."

"Me too, it was great talking to you, too."

"Hey, I want to ask you something, hmm I feel a bit awkward but yeah."

"Yeah, you can ask me, sure."

"Would like to go out with me sometimes?"

"uh Sure, that would be nice."

"You know what I mean right? like a date."

"haha yeah I know."

"So yeah?"

"hahaha hmm, you know I just came out two weeks ago and I never had a relationship with a guy. I really don't know how this works."

"Me too, I never had a boyfriend or anything. But I would like start dating now instead of random hookups you know."

"Yeah I know, haha totally. I would like to go out with you, being friends, or something more than friends haha. But I sometimes hurt people like my girlfriends, not intentionally of course, hehe but I am kinda rough."

"I understand. This is the first time we actually hang out and since we both don't have much experience about the dating thing, I don't want to ask you when we become friends that would be awkward. So I just want to ask you now haha, if you don't want to, it is fine, we can be friends. But I just want to put it out there now you know. I think you are really cute."

"You are too. I just don't know if boyfriend is the right thing for me right now. hmmm hehe(awkward laugh), but yeah I would love to go out with you sometimes. I don't know, let me think about it, is that ok?"

"Sure yeah. I just really enjoyed talking to you."

"Me too, it was so easy talking to you I would really like to see you again."

The conversation went on a bit longer, mostly me being stupid lol. I kinda just wanted to ask him if he feels anything for me so I won't waste my time thinking about the impossibilities. But that would sound weird and desperate. So I didn't say that. Instead I just kept saying it is cool, don't worry about it and I feel so embarrassed etc. I can understand how he feels though, he is on the spot. He just came out and he probably wants to play around a lot for a while since he never had sex with a guy before. I think he was trying to be nice and not like asshole to shut me down. But then he mentioned about being more than friends and would like to go out too.

Beh, this is so awkward, but I guess everything has a first time. I came out about half year now. I should start doing this kind of stuff already. I am sure other people get rejected too! sigh. lol feel kinda liberated but sad at the same time. I know I named this post mixed message, but deep down I know it is a rejection. Oh well, he would be a good friend.