The Heat

These past two days have been hot. Yes, my wish has been granted. I hated the chilly weather for the first 3 days in this week and I was grumpy. I was mad at god or whatever that is controlling the weather. I whined and whined about the weather as if I was promised to have a good weather for my birth. But alas, I didn't ask for heat waves like this. It is just mid-April folks and it has reached a freaking 100 degrees here in LA already...

Anyways let me talk about my little weekend. It was eventful yet uneventful and overall a bit depressing at the end because of my weird logic.

Friday

Kee invited me to go to this Yacht party last week and I was pretty excited about it. I even planned to shop for some shirts to attend. Turns out I didn't get time to shop, also there was no Yacht and party was hosted at a steakhouse near the beach area. Too far of a drive and didn't sound all that fun. So I passed on the opportunity. I hung out with Kee quite a bit for the past 2 weeks and it got QUITE boring again. Kee is all around fun gal to hang out with, just not more than two weeks. There is nothing in her head except for sex, guys, shopping, and her boyfriend. She doesn't read news, doesn't care about current event, has no hobby, and just overall not an interesting person once you peel off her pretty facade. I on the other hand has been a little bitch too. I refused to drive to anywhere that she invited me to go so when she wasn't driving I just kinda ditch. So we did our own thing this week and it was feeling kinda good to not to see her and listen to her broken record stories about his bf B. 

So I thought about going to hookah and no one wanted to go. I felt exhausted toward the end of my work day and I thought, what the hell, I am going home first and take a nap and maybe later I would get a call to do something with someone.

Sleep-drove home, hit the sack, and passed out till 10pm. Woke up with a headache and deer in the head light demeanor I wandered downstairs and whined like a little boy for food. By the time I regained my consciousness, and fully fed as well, it was 11pm. No CALLS either. Just freaking fantastic. A bit depressed and annoyed, I logged online and started to talk to these two guys that I have been emailing back and forth. One was this Mexican waiter working in a very small restaurant in downtown area, low profile, career wise is anything but an aphrodisiac. But he talked in this cute fashion and I liked his responsiveness. The other was my prize money! He was this 23 year old guy from UCLA and total frat boy type. Tall (6'3"), built and lean (with picture and current weight 180lb). Did I mention I like big muscular and masculine guys? Yes I really do. So hot and our conversation went extremely well. I exchanged number with both and planned Saturday to meet the waiter and Sunday to meet the hunk.

Saturday

I went to Waiter's den. He was dog sitting for his friend who was in England at the time. Dog was cute, the waiter was ok. He was lean, not too dark, about 2-3 inches shorter than I was. But alas, I drove 20 mins to see this dude, I could compromise. Turned out he wasn't willing. We chatted here and there for like 1 hour and when I wanted to do something he said he was going to leave. Well I couldn't blame him for that because we planned to meet between 430 to 630 since he had a bday party to attend at 630. I got there pass 500, so when I wanted to do something it was already 600. Still I was kinda pissed. Considering in my mind I just compromised for the situation. But if he really wanted to, he would have done something already. He said don't worry we would probably meet again. I was thinking, yeah right, maybe in a mirror universe. Do you know how much the gas is in LA right now, 4 dollars a gallon plus the opportunity cost for 20 mins of driving! Also later I had a car scare... I almost got creamed by this giant bus. All this trouble, I would definitely not see him again. Deleted his number right away, went home, change and attended the ATTACK OF THE GAYS event.

I was invited by this older friend S, whom I met in my gym. He is one of the executive producer (logistic producer, not content) for one of the most popular TV Gossip Magazine Shows on one of the major networks. NOT TMZ, because that would be Harvey Levin, and that would be hot, he has these very cute minions running around in his studios.. ok off topic... Anyways, the event is called the Guerrilla Bars event, or the invasion of the gays. Gay guys would dress in a black shirt/tshirt and all go to one of the popular straight club/bars. The bar and club would not be notified in advance. Sounded pretty fun so I agreed to go. We first met up at his house for drinks. I walked in and I got a big surprise which definitely got me shy right away. There were already about 15-20 guys there. All were old enough to be my dad. I mean my friend S is in his mid 40s so technically he could have had me at 20 and it is totally legit. Naturally, all his friends were around his age. I felt a bit fish out of water not just because the age difference but also because I didn't know anyone! As I walked in, all heads turned and looked at me and I think i just died right there. Like a deer in the headlight again. These gays are all hmmm quality gays I would say? Middle class, well educated, focused, driven, and successful. But unfortunately, very seasoned. They lived through the 70s and 80s and I am just a gay deer newly out in the head light. 

After a brief talking with some of them, I got to know C, working for a giant health care company now. Used to work in the entertainment industry and in my company particularly on the corporate side before he left for health care. Also I talked to this guy R, who is currently working for one of the world largest international media/technology conglomerate. He is the head of the TV marketing. Funny part is that one of his current project's quarterly result would come to my company and fall in my lap and I would further process his work to produce the end-user product for the public. Small world ay?

The bar we went to was called Vive Lounge and it was a really nice place. What was absolutely hilarious was that there was a bridal dinner/party event. So we saw three giant tables of clueless straight people eating and drinking and ready to get their dance on soon at the dance floor. All of sudden, volla, 300 gays showed up dressed in black and start fucking voguing in their face. Finally my deer position was replaced by these poor souls. I didn't feel too bad because the bride... looked like the fucking bride of Chucky, as big as a sumo wrestler, started to poking her giant asses everywhere. It was a sight to behold. 

I was a bit disappointed. There were almost no guys in my age. Not like I would have hooked up with anyone, but I would like to have some fun and checking out hot guys. This time, I had to stay with my group because I am not into daddies. I didn't call them daddies just because I knew they were older, rather, some of them really looked like they were old enough to be my dad and beyond too and not in the hot way either. Ok I think I just sounded like someone who has something against old people. That is absolutely not true. I believe in aging gracefully and naturally. I think a guy who takes care of himself and ages with dignity is extremely sexy, especially the domesticated and family oriented type. In fact I wrote several entries regarding my big big crushes on older guys who already have some grey hair on their head. But when I go to a bar, I can't get blamed when I don't feel too excited to be surrounded by people are all just older. I really felt the disconnected when Like a Virgin was on. The older gays went nuts and voguing again. I found out that Like a Virgin came out one year after I was born sigh...

Ok I am sure there were some 30 year olds but I couldn't tell. 

I was determined to have a good time though. So I danced non-stop for 2 hours and had two drinks and felt dizzy. My friend S was nice enough to take me back to his place early. 

He said I could sleep there if I wanted to. At that moment, I knew what he wanted. He tried once  before... 

The first time I met S was through a french guy at the gym. S just broke up with his 4 year long boyfriend at that time and was ready to drink his sorrow away so we all went out to party. He at that time, also made the same offer to me that night and I politely refused. 

This time I was pretty dizzy from the drinks. Though I could definitely drive home, I felt bad for just leaving like this. 

For the record, I really don't find S attractive at all. He is too short and too chubby for my taste. Plus the age difference - I think he probably 45. He is however known to be genuine and sweet. His last boyfriend was this middle eastern guy who looked like he just walked out from a hardcore gay porn. He was oozing was sexual energy and his body was EXTREMELY sexy. His face was masculine and his gaze was deep and commanding. He had tattoos on his arm and he just looked so freaking hot. I definitely had a crush on this guy. But soon after he broke up with S, he stopped going to the gym in Pasadena and started to go to the one in Weho. 

Anyways, weighting in the pros and cons of staying and thinking I could say no anytime I want if he did something, there was really nothing bad if I stayed just a bit. 

But honestly, I really don't know what made me to make that decision. Here are the possibilities, 

1. Sympathy. He is mid-40. Broke up with someone who he probably thought would spend the rest of his life with. Working hard, and not dating. Lots of the gays who went to party tonight were couples and he wasn't with anyone. If I were him, is it really that much to ask for a young guy like me to just take a nap and cuddle? I really have nothing to lose and I am in control in this situation. A bit generosity would probably make the night perfect for him. 

2. Resonance. Similarly to possibility #1, I could imagine how he feels if I were him. I am afraid of being alone and I want a family very badly at age of 24 already. NO ONE wants to die alone. Being gay isn't our choice but how we live out our lives is really up to us. No one said that gays are bound to be childless and lonely. He is probably having or has already had those panic attacks many times throughout his life. Now on this bed, after a night of drinking in his mid-40s, having someone to sleep over and cuddle is probably just the thing he needed to feel positive even just for a little bit. 

3. Bitterness. I was bitter that stupid waiter didn't jump on me. Yes like I wrote before, when you get rejected you suddenly become interested. How pathetic. I was the one who quickly went through thoughts and judgements based on height, appearance, demeanor, education, career, train of thoughts, responsiveness, and personality in the first 5 mins we met AND MADE COMPROMISE thinking ok he was good enough to have some fun with and then got indirectly turned down. Now I am bitter. omg.... I need to get a grip.

4. Curiosity. I wanted to see how he would do it. Approach me, touch me, talk to me etc. How does he even begin to subtly seduce or ask shall we say for something sexual from someone who is not interested or too young or w/e....

So at the end I was in his bed. He cuddled me and we both actually fell asleep for about half hour. He then suddenly without saying much started to touch my crotch. Soon he was between my legs and blowing me. He was pretty good I have to say. He did everything oral, balls licking, rimming, flickering my thighs with his tongue. It was quite fun to be honest. It is true, once in the dark, everything is the same. Remember that scene from Sex and the City? where Samantha was fucking this 60 some guy for money and she said "he touched like a 40 year old, kissed like a 40 year old, felt like a 40 year old, but omg he has a 60 year old ass", she ran out after seeing that ass. Imagine if there weren't any ass sighting triggers she would have stayed with him longer. For me there was no scene on par with the ass-sighting. I could feel his chubby belly and chest. But overall, it was oral sex at its best. It was nothing but oral. Pure form of this sexual activity. I returned the favor for a little bit. I gave him head. His dick was actually pretty amazing. Long but not too long, thickness was just right and he was extremely hard. Also, he had these GIGANTIC balls. 

We didn't really have sex but after we both came we laid next to each other and talked for a while. About life and relationship what have you. I talked about those 4 potential possibility of why I stayed there in my own words and my own perspectives. He responded to them. I could tell he does want a family but given the background, I don't think he believes in gay family and he is in a way coping with this traumatizing realization as well.

Ok, maybe this is another prime example of me over analyzing. He probably fucked another 20 guys who are 18-22 in the past couple weeks or had crazy monkey sex with some middle eastern porn stars as far as I know. He probably is having a BALL and I am the one who thought he was all still kinda depressed by his situation. omfg, stupid me -_-.....

Before I left, he said oh you are a young charming sweet heart. Gay life can change people, don't change, just be the sweetheart you are. I know what he meant but I still dont know what to make of it... oh right before I left, I said I knew what you wanted the moment I walked in haha. He was jokingly said oh you bitch. But I wasn't sure if he was genuinely surprised or acted surprised...

On the way home, I texted UCLA hunk and asked him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. 

Sunday

Today is shopping day. My friend Dodo, her friend Kevin and I went to Melrose. We were completely petrified by the heat as if it was our first day visiting a place this hot. Kevin bought a French bulldog at that petstore on melrose. Don't remember the name but it was supposed to be a bit celebrity studded place. The dog was 3,000 dollars, cute as a button and expense as hell. 

Meanwhile, I got UCLA hunk's text saying that he forgot that he had his nephew's bday party and apologized twice for not hanging out. I found that cute. We didn't really confirm the sunday fool around schedule yet he took it a bit serious. I liked that and I hope I could see him soon and have uninhibited monkey sex lol~~~ Also, I got a text from S asking me if I got home ok last night. 

Anyways, back to the shopping. AS broke AS I am, I bought a G-star short sleeve button up shirt, white, with two big pockets around the chest area. I would never touch those shirts on my own but dodo told me to try it on. It actually looked quite good. The cut was perfect around my shoulder and the back was fit. It was quite a nice surprise considering the other 4 items I picked out were all flops. It was also quite surprising at the cashier. It was 129 dollars! omg............ Too much ego to say no and too vain to reject a cute shirt, I happily took out my AmEx card... After that I bought another Marc by Marc cheap grey T, this one says "hardcore" in this very very light print cross the chest area. I guess this one would be off limit at work. I already made that mistake once... I wore this grey FCUK tshirt at work and I failed to notice that there was this slogan printed in purple saying "Cool as FCUK". I mean it was already bad enough and then it was interpreted by another coworker as a parody of Queer as Folks. JEEBUS PEOPLE...

Now I am home feeling like I had a heat stroke.... I want another medium sized Pink Berry like the one I had 3 hours ago.... Arrgggg So freaking hot. I think we would just all melt in August... weeee..

Another weekend that started high ended kinda low

Friday was exhausting. We had a quarterly outing hosted by our department. It was full of the corporate event's gimmicks, you know, the little games, the pathetic prizes, and the "socializing". I had fun though I had to say. I played a couple rounds of pool and won the dart competition. I was teamed up with this old tall Brazilian manager. He was a surfer when he was younger, so I bet he was pretty hot when he was in his 20s. Now, he is just a standard grandpa or papa. 

The reason I was so tired wasn't because of this. I got kinda sick on Tuesday and ever since then, the symptoms have been lingering. So I guess my body was trying to constantly fending off the virus or bacteria or whatever, it really took more energy everyday. I didn't stop working out or start sleeping earlier. So by Friday I am really god damn tired. On the way home @ 4pm bathing under the warm LA sun, I was falling asleep. My head went side ways and I constantly struggled to clarify what was on the road and what was out of my dream. It was a strange moment. Suddenly, my cellphone rang and Kee "cousin" called, and I think she saved my life. 

"hey, remember Ad?"

"hmm the rich guy who likes you? from laguna beach?"

"yeah! he asked me out tonight, not a date just hanging out with his friends, I told him that my cousin is coming, so you'd better come ok! It is a upscale sushi restaurant/lounge, So i guess there is dancing later too. The dinner is @ 8:30ish"

"ok, I will. I am bored out of my ass I need to go out."

So I went home and ready to take a quick nap so I get some energy for some party.

So, cut through the random and useless stuff, Kee and I left her house around 9. Took us 1 hour on the freeway to get to laguna beach. Right off the bat, I see this sizzling hot guy leaning down kissing this chick. I was like omg I am on. Ok not kissing the chick part, but I would definitely blow that guy.

The restaurant is indeed pretty nice. The waiter/waitress are all hot, like the ones you would see in West Hollywood, like in Ketchup. The crowd was extremely attractive as well. As I stood there waiting, the nearby tables looked up and watching our 10 people party trying to squeeze in this 6 people table. The chick next to me looked up and smiled at me. Yes I had to say I looked pretty good Friday night. My outfit wasn't even expensive! I wore a Club Monaco V-neck T, with G-star jeans, pair of olive colored converse, and topped with a Zara's jacket. 

Once we sat down, I looked around the table. Two young pairs, and two older guys, one single blond, me and my cousin and Ad. Ad is this chubby guy who didn't really look all that cute either. However, he was charismatic, kind, and very fun. I am telling you, inner beauty matters people! The old guy sitting next to me was from Germany, doing medical equipment business. He travels to LA 4-5 times a year for business. Apparently, he hangs out with Ad every time he is here. I think Ad is like his dad's PR person. Ad's dad does laser eye surgical equipment business so Ad would take this old guy old every time he is in town as a good token. Maybe... just my guess. 

We started doing Sake bombing. Ok I wasn't planning to drink at all but I ended up taking.

3 Sake bombs (mind you it was a good half cups of beer too!)

1 Sake shot

2 cups of beer (maybe half of a beer)

2 Jagger shots

the Jagger shots was big and they totally did it for me. By the end of the dinner, I was in a really happy place. 

Oh the sushi was phenomenal!! It was definitely one of the best I have ever had. The one item that REALLY impressed me was something quite common, it was Salmon sashimi. The salmon was flawless and the texture was tight and smooth. When you start chewing, the fish seems to just melt in your mouth instead of being disintegrated by your teeth. All the sushi was much more authentic as well. How you can tell? you can't pick up one with your chopsticks unless you are really careful. Because sushi wasn't supposed to be tight like a cinderblock. The structure should be really soft and loose so you really should eat with your hands. That was what I ended up doing. We order a lot of fatty tuna, salmon, and urchins. omg it was such a good experience. 

For those of you want to have a good time eating sushi. please check this place. It is called Mosun Sushi in laguna beach on S. Coast Hwy. The number is 680. You know how I remember? because we tried a full 30 mins in a stupid gas station trying to figure out the recognizable address for Kee's stupid navigation. This process involved calling 3 people checking this place online. 

Once dinner was finished, we went to the lounge upstairs. We were given a vip pass so we just went up directly. It was actually a fantastic club!!!! Also one of the best I went to. The lighting was just perfect and the DJ was kinda well known. DJ Reflex was in da house. I was totally in Rihanna's don't stop the music mode. I just wanted to move my body and shake the stress away. With the help of alcohol and the crew now was somewhat familiar, I was totally rocking it. Yes it was a straight club, so I couldn't really jump to a guy and feel him up. Nor did I have to worry about who is looking who is not. I didn't have to impress or approach anyone. So I just really had a good time. Dancing with the group. The blond was a great dancer, and definitely very whorish on the dance floor. I love whores on the dance floor because they are the most fun people to dance with. I was dancing with everyone, including the guys since the chicks were in between. The music was also very well mixed. I think most of the time, whether a club is good or not really depends on the music. I mean the drinks can only vary so much, you get weak and strong, basically how the bartender mix the proportion determines a good or bad drink. The club design could matter but most of the time it is just that, a design, a decoration. When it is dark, steamy and people are drunk, your design could mean nothing. The lighting is definitely important because when you party basically the visual and audio stimulation is everything. Of course the body contacts as well. So this party pretty much covered it all.

Soon enough, I was grinding and going down with 4 chicks including some two other random chicks in the middle of the dance floor. We def grabbed a bit attention from the crowd. Ad asked my "cousin". Are you sure he is gay, he doesn't look too gay to me right now. I have to say all the girls could dance pretty well except for this one. Her name was Marie. Also a blond. But she couldn't DANCE if her life depended on it. All she did was sticking her arms in the air in such a clumsy way that it looked like she had a stroke and the arms were permanently sticking out. She had this big smily face on the whole time, plus her WHOLE body moves in one direction and one motion at a time, plus those giant lobster arms sticking up the air, she just looked like she was having a seizure in the middle of the dance floor. Plain and simple.  I didn't care, I would still rock out with her and she seemed to have a good time. That was all it mattered! But yeah, she just couldn't dance! Kee pointed out that that was why her boyfriend was nowhere near her now. I was L-O-Ling~~~ lol...

Oh one quick thing, I slipped in the middle of the dinner. I got a bit tipsy, so I was like Kee give me a kiss. and Ad looked at us in awe. So we both had to eat a shit load of shit trying to back track. It was pretty bad...

Anyways, I was buzzing crazy and got home around 230.

Woke up at 800 feeling like a zombie, headed to my god forsaken in person traffic school. It was a fucking dread 8 hours ordeal and I came out of that place at 530pm feeling numb. I was exhausted, my eyes were hurting. I spent the evening watching TV and blowing nose. Yes I got sick again. 

sigh....

A good weekend and another hectic week ahead

I felt kind of misaligned in life lately. All the tests and all.

Saturday night I went clubbing. Clubbing in a straight club that is. There is a new club called Tatoo which was the old SOHO club in downtown LA. They reinvented it - which basically means changed the the decoration and the name in hopes of bringing people back to the same place. The clubbing plan was actually very spontaneous. I met this girl, let's call her L, in my strategy class group and for half of the semester we never talked till recently. 80% of the grade in this class is condensed into one month period so we started to have lots meetings together. From there we hit it off really well. We shared the same background and experiences. So she and her friends planned this clubbing thing and I tagged along.

The line in front of the club was phenomenal. There were literally 300-400 hundred people waiting outside at 10:30pm. There were about another 200-300 inside and it was only 10:30pm. I didn't get this... I mean this was not celebrity hoarding places like Hyde, Privilege or the currently hottest Winston's. Why the crowd? We missed our guest list time so we had to kiss up to the planner who apparently wasn't interested helping us at all. We were going to buy a table which would cost us 200 bucks for 4 people. We didn't feel like it because we didn't think that we would drink that much and it would be an utter waste of money for something like clubbing (that turned out to be a mistake). But another friend of ours worked her charm. Let's call her D. Even though D was in business school with us for the undergraduate program, her real goal was to do PR in the future. She must have been practicing her networking skill for a long time then, because apparently she knew every walking soul in that club. Very soon she worked us in. We became a part of some other people's table party and we got in just like that, in front the 300 other people who waited since 9:00pm. In our group there was a guy named C. C wasn't particular cute or super handsome but he was hot. His muscles were huge and proportional. I was feeling him up real good later that night since we were very wasted lol~~~~.....

Anyways, the club was good actually. I was surprised. It was dark but lit here and there with green and blue glows. In the center of the ceiling there was a gigantic disco ball. The floor plan was interesting as well. The overall feeling was very centered and the attention was directed toward the dance floor. There were four ceiling height palms trees at four corners which divided the club into two layers. If you passed the palm trees, you would have been in the chilling zone with bars at your reach. Inside the tree circle, there was the dance floor. At this level, there were two bars and upstairs there was the outside patio and another bar. Tables sections were nice. There were small tables scattered around the edge of the dance area, but the good ones
were in the outer layer. Those outer tables were the better ones and they all had this silk curtain kinda thing hanging over to somewhat hide what was going on inside. It was unique. But I didn't see too many people using those tables. My friend L had a bottle of wine by herself before we even came out and she didn't even look drunk. So now it was her second round. L, C, and I started with a round of Redbull and Vodka. I hated it. It was bitter. I didn't know why people like this shit. I wasn't a fan of Vodka already and the taste of Redbull was just horrible. But we finished it. Danced a little, like 10 mins and then chatted a little bit. Not quite feeling it so we went in for the second round. L had another Redbull Vodka and I and C got a shot of Patron. They were pretty generous. Tt was definitely a bit more than 1 shot which I wouldn't complain about haha. The heat was generating from there. We danced more and chatted more. Went upstairs and downstairs. It was pretty fun.

Then I found out something that was a bit disturbing. Well it was a nice thing for L and C but it shook me. You see L and C were both going to do investment banking which was my goal too. But then there was a year at USC I fucked up real bad due to a lot of issues including health problem and the gay thing. My grades were so low now that I wasn't even sure if I could secure a decent job compared to my peers. So I was chatting with C, and he told me that Bank of America was going to pay him 150k a year. I wasn't sure if that was for every year or what since 80k of the 150k was signing bonus. I wouldn't think that a firm would give you signing bonus every year. But that doesn't matter. That is 150k first year and 70k after. Plus, they would get raises. If I secure a decent position in one the well known accounting firms, that would only be 50k a year plus maybe 5k signing bonuses. The inequality was so staggering that I felt like a second-class citizen. Later L told me that she was getting paid the same in Morgan Stanley. I could only imagine how much another friend of mine would make in Goldman Sachs... We paid the same tuition and received the same experiences and how come I didn't end up there. Well I knew that if my grades were higher it would have been possible. But then I still felt that there was this huge discrepancy on pays that almost make some people's job or career look embarrassing.

But it was the party night I didn't give it too much thought then, it was just a quick flash calculation and I let it go at that moment to enjoy the night.

The night went on very well, L's other friend came in later. His name was J. J currently attended the same auditing class and he recognized me right away. The reason was--not so glamorous--that I was always late. beh..... ok that class was some bullshit though... But at least I was still going every single session -_-.... We danced more. We never stopped dancing actually. Our third round was Redbull and Vodka. You know by the 3rd round, Redbull and Vodka didn't taste so hideous. Then I had half of a Cranberry Juice and Vodka. It was GOOD. Cranberry blends with Vodka way better than Rebull. So I got two more Cranberry Juice and Vodka. Meanwhile, L would feed me Redbull and Vodka sips here and there. After the whole night I probably had about 6 drinks in 2 hours. I really am not a drinker, so I was at a good place. By the sixth drink, everything tasted so good I swore that I felt like I could drink another 3. But I didn't which was a good choice. Yeah, so I had 6 and L had 7, and C had 7. So that is 200 dollars ANYWAY. Should've just got a table -_-..... With a table we could have got another 10 drinks at discount! oh well.... We danced like crazy toward the last hour. Then we went to the patio to chill. The bartender looked at me and said no more for you and gave me water. No more for me my ass. I WAS THE ONE WHO DROVE. So I drank must have been a gallon of water. Then the club was closing so three of us wandered out of the club. L apparently was extremely drunk by now which was funny. She fell flat on her face and started to cry. So I sat down next to her and started to tickle her and then we all just laid on the ground and laughed. Oh yeah, of course I would lean on C whenever I got a chance and I would hit his chest whenever I could. OMG THOSE muscles. So I dropped C off at Orsini, and L lived in Piero. For those of you who might know LA downtown area, you would know that Orisni, Piero, and Club Soho were literally 3 blocks apart. They were like 1 mile distance within each other. LOL, so yeah that was why I drove! I am safe! hehehe.

Dropping off C made me feel a bit more disturbed. You see I used to live in Orsini. The year in Orsini was my toughest year in university. My health was bad and I fucked up. Wasted tons of money and didn't achieve a thing but fed my vanity. It was a hefty lesson to learn. I watched C walking in. I almost felt as if it was me. It could have been me you know. I almost saw myself walking as I watched C. I remembered me being that guy who lived in a lavish place full of pride and vanity. The only difference now was that I no longer live there and my future doesn't look as bright as his. Now mine was so uncertain that if there were an option on me, I would have short that option immediately. LA had a lot of wonderful moments for me but I do wonder, is it time for me to leave. Maybe I should go to another city to refresh my mind and start over in a sense. Regain my youth and passion.

After dropping C off I went to L's place and crashed on her sofa. Comfy... Obviously I passed out without knowing it. Hm.. that sounds weird because if I know I passed out that would be sleeping, passing out means without knowing right... anyways got to stop thinking aloud. J showed up later. L was talking to me then would talk to a 3rd person. In the beginning, I thought she was just so drunk that she wanted to play this imaginary friend game, but yeah.. it was J she was talking to. I guess I was drunker than I thought. So we started all moaning from the drunkenness and L started to cry about her legs again. She hurt herself pretty hard, the knee cap was swollen lol... L already knew that I was gay. I told her and she didn't get it in the beginning lol... I hate that because whenever I tell someone that I am gay they don't seem to get it the first round. She told J that was gay too which was cool. J used to date L and they were friends now. L's current BF was in San Francisco and that is where L heading after graduation for her 150k job lol. So we started to talk about jobs, cities, and being gay, straight, and sex with the drunkenness. It was good fun. Then we would pass out for 40 mins and all simultaneously woke up and make more noises. L cooked some great veggie soup before we went clubbing and now she heated it up again. It smelled soooo good. The potato cabbage carrot and onions were so tender soft and juicy and the soup was good too. Although the carrot wasn't the best thing since the smell of it made wanna puke but overall it was good stuff. I subsequently drank 6 more bowls of soup... yum....

Then we passed out again, by the time my consciousness woke me up at 8:30am and refused to put my mind back to sleep again, J was already gone. I walked out with messy hair, fucked up face and a cracking headache and headed back home. The freeway was bright and empty and the sound of my car on the freeway speeding was deafening loud. It was freaky. It felt like highway to heaven...

Next week, I will have to take care of my ticket thing. Man the official website is so misleading that I only paid my speeding ticket fine and failed to pay traffic school fine. Now I don't know what to do. The traffice school will cost me 200/month on my insurance if I fail to take care of it. The due date is next Tuesday I feel like I am fucked..... I really hope not. Fingers crossed. Also a big quiz tomorrow for my strategy class plus homework due for my derivative class. Why life has to be so life!

It was actually fun

Midterms were over and I really wanted to go out again, so I called up Alper and Hester and asked them to go out on Friday night. Alper said that we could stop by his friend's birthday "thing" and then go to a club. The plan was to meet at his place around 9:00pm. Well given the fact that I can't be on time to anything, that plan was pretty ambitious. It turned out that it was indeed too early for my nature. I didn't sleep much on Thursday night thanks to video game and Queer as Folks. I believe that I slept around 6:00am. In addition, the new training routine's aftermath kicked in full gear on Friday. I was soring so bad that everytime I stood up or sat down my ass hurt like crazy. Damn those new heavy weights on my squads >_<....

Anyways, I woke up around 12:00pm by a phone call from my friend Michele. We decided to eat. I got ready around 1:00pm and we got to the Korean BBQ place we wanted by 2:30pm. Ate a shitload of beef since it was all you can eat. Man there goes my workout =/... It was good. I didn't know what it was but I felt that it wasn't as smooth and effortless as before when I talked to her. I remembered that before she went back to the Philippines for vacation, I used to be able to talk to her just about whatever and never had a quiet moment. Even though it was almost like that today, and we laughed here and there but I felt that I had to make some effort for the conversations. It was a strange feeling and I never liked it when I feel that with my friends. Once we finished, I had a major food coma and the traffic on I-10 east was as horrible as it could get. After 1 hour of sleepy driving, I got home. I really really wanted to take a nap but then Hester wanted to run. So I was thinking since I ate so much food I shouldn't get lazy and become fat again. Running it is. Even though I jogged slowly for 2 miles (very slow, I was on par with Hester's pace and she is 5'2'' and I am almost 6'1") and ran fast for only 1 mile, I still felt extremely exhausted afterward. The running definitely didn't help with the pain on my ass and thighs. Fast forward, we got to Alper's place at 10:20pm instead of the scheduled 9:00pm and I was sleepy and tired as hell. I was thinking, great tonight is gonna suck and I never liked clubbing that much anyway....

We went to Abbeys first. It was weird, a lot of good looking people as always but then it wasn't as crowded as before and the no one is dancing on the dancing area. It became a indoor patio where everyone was just chatting.... Hester and Alper downed 2 Tequila based drinks already, 1 hot and 1 drink and I only had a beer. So they were ready to dance. We came out of Abbey in 30 mins and headed to Mickey's. We peeked inside from the door and it doesn't look like there were a lot of people in there dancing. So we finally decided to go back to Rage. This is my second time at Rage and the first time wasn't really that much fun at all. I didn't blog about it because it was frustrating and people had bad attitude etc it was overwhelming. Tonight, it was ASIAN night. Ok, I never liked the idea of having a specific group at club. It just feels so isolated. But the crowded was actually somewhat mixed. A dozen of white, Hispanic and blacks inside. In the beginning I was just dancing with Hester and she kept pushing me around to mingle. I was like, don't push me!! I would mingle just give me sometime. Alper was drinking outside again. There was a white guy dancing behind me a bit but then I was dancing with Hester and he probably thought I wasn't interested and left dancing alone. I was like.. omg man you are stupid why didn't you turn around! He was actually kinda cute. But it was too late, the dance floor was pretty crowded and he disappeared in the artificial fog. So we came out a bit after 20 mins dancing and saw a white feminine guy in red dancing like crazy. Hester saw him and started to dance. Only 3 moves later, he picked up Hester (he wasn't a big guy and the way he picked her up actually surprised me, it is like an ant picked up an Elephant. Ok this is a bad analogy since Hester is really fit and petite, ok... I should stop here now) to dry humping her in the air. Well he looked slutty enough, so I started dancing with him. Only after a little while later I found myself licking his neck and making out. Ok it was kinda weird because he was pretty slutty. His ass was humping me hard and he was grabbing on me really hard too. Then Alper came in started to dance with him and they started to kiss too. So I left them to be. I turned around saw this cute guy dancing alone so I just said hi and danced with him. It turned out that he was Brazilian and just moved to California. I was thinking, great, I could probably ask him out later. But what was weird about it was that we danced together closely but not really at the same time. We were dancing but he kept looking afar and even when we were hugging and grinding his eyes were still just had this empty stare at some mysterious place. That was a big turn off actually. After 30 mins he wasn't moving as crazy anymore and I thought he was tired, so I asked him if he wanted to go outside and get some air. He said he wanted to stay in. I was like, alrighty then, goodbye.

I came out and saw Hester and we both went outside for some air. The patio outside was bumper to bumper tight. People were talking and smoking. A lot of very queer guys with lots greeting, screaming, and kissing. All I could hear was OMG OMG OMG. I wasn't really into it at that moment. Then Hester heard someone talking in her Philippine language next to us and started to talk to them. Then they started to talk about me and kept laughing and screaming. It was weird and kinda embarrassing since I had no idea what they were talking about. Hester told me that they said I was cute and wondering if I had a big tool down there. Hmmm very quality conversation lol... So we started to talk and taking pictures outside for the rest of the night, which is about 40 mins haha. The place closed at 2:00am. It was great to meet those people though, they were really easy to talk to and fun at the same time. I talked to bunch other people and actually went back in briefly to see if the Brazilian guy was still in there. No luck but it didn't matter since I didn't really want to talk to him all that badly.

I came home and played some games then watched Queer as Folks till fucking 7:30 in the morning. Now I just woke up, it is 3:30pm~~~~~~~~~~~~~ sigh, a day wasted....

So tired today

I had a trainer session at my gym at 11:00am. The problem, I woke up at 11:00am. I just had a Corporate Tax midterm on Thursday, which was depressing because only 5 out of 26 questions pertained to the chapter I studied the most AND I still managed to get one easy question wrong. I am not looking forward to the score. But anyways... due to the test, I had minimum sleeps on Tuesday and Wednsday and Thursday night I somehow didn't sleep early. The trainer even called me on Thursday night. But, around 3:00am in the morning, in my bed, I said " Beh.. I am gonna sleep my ass off tomorrow". So I did... I woke up exactly at 11:00am and remembered the appointment immediately. Trainer Peter was nice enough and said no problem come right in. I took a shower quickly and drove to Pasadena immediately.

I really thought it was gonna be easy like last time, which was my first free session. I was soooo wrong. We worked out together for 40 minutes in total and I was dying around 30 minutes mark. The exercises only involved light weight trainings like squad, bench press, and abs. I never felt so weak. Toward the end, my legs were shaking, my arms gave out, my forms were out of shape, and I literally ran out of breath. I was choking and I could feel that my muscle really sucked in all the oxygen in my body. I don't know. I talk to the trainers (who happen to be really young here in my gym) all the time and a lot of them are very nice and they help me often here and there. Peter is just different. His exercises are easy and yet hard to maintain. Most importantly I can feel it so much. So... I signed up a 24 session plan which swiped out 1.8k off my credit card instantly. I hope it is worth it!!!! We will see after 3 months. Either I will show off a killer body or kill the trainer.

Right after training, I went to dodo's place and played Bomber Man Generation on Gamecube while she did her 2 hour pre-going out preparation. Then we headed to Gitanna for Hoohak and afternoon meal. It was so chill and the cafe just opened when we got there. It felt good being served as the only customer, hehe, like VIPs. Then we headed off shopping in Pasadena. It's always good to hang out with dodo. She is like my little sister. We can just talk about whatever and always manage to crack each other up. Like we were making chocolate poo pile in Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant) using the left over chocolates today. The gay couple, I only assumed because they were very well dressed and looked so happy together, kept looking at us. Hehe, I think a lot of times I still refuse to grow up and it feels good. That is another reason I love California, I really believe that people can stay young in this sun bathed chosen place. Then we did a bit more shopping.

I don't know. I think the mainstream really gives the gays too little credits. While the "machos and straight as an arrow guys" ridicule gays, they are embracing the homo-erotic A&F products and loving D&G logos proudly on their T-shirts. I don't get it really. Aside from the fashion industry, the cities really should thank gays. It is the gay community that makes West Hollywood a sensation in the nation for its over the top gay nightlife. Though, I hate the "I am so hot" shitfaced people allover the place. But that is just LA in general.. Now Pasadena, the new Beverly Hills in my opinion. It is a place where hip, chill, city, urban, down to earth, and fancy all presented simutaenously. I really love this place because it always gives me this melting pot feeling that is original and very American. A main reason this place has become this way is not only because the city decided to change its image but also because a lot of wealthy Guppies (gay yuppies) are around this area now. They have to make it a bit hip and homo-erotic here and there to attract the true gays and the straight gays. The end result is very successful.

Anyways, we went to urban outfitter after the fondue desert run, and I saw some hot guys in the store, some dressed nice and some dressed hippie. The hippie ones were very scruffy and a bit dirty which somehow made them way hotter than the the clean dressed ones. I think I am just a bit horny. Only wish that my gym had younger guys. I am reading JP Mac from Overnight in Newyork a lot since it's gone live. While he is having all those hot encounters since high school, I am only hooking up in the sauna room at my gym ~:<. I really need to go to more gay places and really get into the scene. Still terrified, still trying. hehe that is my slogan for now. After I left dodo's place around 10pm. I went to a Brazilian club called Cafe Banzza. I used to work for Disney Consumer Product, a division of Disney Company but handles the business side, such as accounting, finance, packaging etc. An intern who used to work with me on the same floor invited me to that party. It was his last day today and hence the party. I worked there for 6 months and left 1 month earlier than he and now he is leaving for Deloitte Consulting department. beh I am so jealous...... and I am really happy for him. He is so smart and working very hard. Anyways, I was already exhausted from all the running around during the day but then I felt bad for not going. So I drove out the westwood area and got in the club. It is actually very refreshing though the room smelled like an active hot yoga room. People were geniunely having fun. Girls were dancing, guys were dancing, and bouncers were not checking ID. It was great. Unlike Hollywood, the "live it up", "over the top", "I am Linsay Lohan wanna be" kinda mentalities were no where to be found. The music was great and incredibly loud. I really loved it. But the people from Disney wanted to go to a bar. They got bored of the dancing I guess. Btw, this black guy named Chris, he is so good looking top and such a good dancer. Too bad he is not gay. They decided to go to a bar in Santa Monica. I just drove 30 miles to this thing and I only stayed there for 1 hour. I really didn't feel like driving again. Although I was having fun, I felt kinda left out because a lot of people who went didn't know me and vice versa. People were a bit buzzed and they were just talking and leaving and I was just standing there listening. I dont know I just didn't think it was all that friendly. Actually I shouldn't be this surprised because I have actually met some of the most ill personalities there in my life. Now it is 4:00am in the morning, I am abotu to peace out. Shout out to JP Mac from Overnight in NY http://overnightny.blogspot.com/ His blog is very cool and I really like his personality. Thank you JP for the mention. It made my day!

A rainy Saturday night

Finally it started to rain again. This winter has been pretty weird. Yeah I think they are right, the world is gonna end due to global warming. Anyway, feel stupid for not writing since there is a lot of stuff going on.

Tonight, I am going clubbing at LAX. This time I should be able to get in there. I just can't believe how unfortunate in the past when I tried to get in there. This place reminded me of KiKi. I couldn't get in for 3 times because of her.

Darn. This is funny, I am reediting my post as I am writing it. Change of plan, our promoter friend is not going anymore because he is sick and his cousin who supposed to go with us also bailed. So I guess LAX is never meant to be!! But Hester and I are still going out to Grand Lux Cafe in Beverly Center to surprise Michele.

But yeah... last night I had a weird dream. I dreamed of Kiki, and it was incredibly sad and sweet in the dream. And when I woke up, I didn't want it to end. What is going on? Is it possible that I am missing her? This is messed up. It was such a pain to hang out with her and it was clearly enough for me. But we hanged out for 6 months, and there were a lot of mindless fun. I guess it is still hard to banish a person completely. I guess the reason I had this dream is because I am trying to plan a trip with Hester to Europe and KiKi would probably come too and I am concerned how we are going to work this out. Bah... I dont know. This is just weird.

I just got off the phone with TJ, a fellow intern at Disney. He is not particularly good looking or strikingly cute. But IMO he is very down to earth and cute in his own way. Well, actually my taste is pretty weird. Most of the white guys are pretty cute for me hahaha. Yeah I guess he is good looking and I would definitely fool around with him if he wanted to. He lives in Huntington Beach. Beach cities are fascinating because I always think that I was supposed to be born in a beach city. I would become a surfer for sure. So I guess because of this conjured version of my destiny always make me feel pretty keen around beach people. I would probably go to his place next week or smething to just chill. Too bad he isn't gay. And talking about not being gay, an executive's assistant is smoking hot and is 90% straight too. His name is Wayne and probaly around mid 40. He got this sexy short hair which is half grey on his well structure head. His body is superb. It is buff, defined, and proportionate. It is just at the right proportion that it is not overwhelming or easy to overlook. He has a beautiful smile and has a very good manner and his body language is exuburantly confident. He is much older than I am but he is so attractive to me. I am already a sucker for beautiful older guys and he is just a very nicely built older guy. He already has at least one child and has been to the Navy for 20 years. So I guess the chance of him being gay is very very slim... Oh man.. why the good ones are all freaking straight. But I am not gonna let him slip without at least trying. I have a luncheon with him next Weds. We will see how it goes from there.

Bah change of plan again, I guess we are going to clubbing afterall. Hester called the guy who bailed in the beginning and telling him that we weren't going to clubbing anymore. I guess he thought that his decision affected our plan so he decided to go again. Also, he is bringing his friends too. I dont really know them, so hopefully it is gonna be fun. About this guy... His name is Tommy and I heard that his family owns a prominant supermarket chain in Los Angeles. I know this market and my parents shop there all the time. It is a very big chain and I don't know if it is true that they own it. But he is very wealthly regardless. Thursday we went to Grand Lux Cafe, and he was gonna drive his Bentley...

Anyway, I've ranted aimless enough for one night. Going out soon...

The Abbey

Last night was interesting. Due to Michelle's constant encouragement, I decided to go to the Abbey, a very popular gay venue in West Hollywood. I mean, I can't be shy all the time and I have to go out there and start to get into the scene. The unique part for me is that my whole coming out experience is all messed up, at least I think it is. For others, it is like they realize they are gay, so they expose it right away, you know, like the flaming queens back in highschool. They were so out, that people didn't quite know what to do with them.Or, they hide, like a lot of people, they come out in college due to their raging hormone. So they will have their tear sessions, acceptance sessions from new gay friends and old good friends, and rejecting sessions from shallow friends. After all these thematic events, they then will start going out to gay parties, clubs, bars, or gay school organizations, and start to date, fuck, whatever. But for me, I still haven't quite come out yet. The only people know about me are Michelle, Hester, and Kevin. Haha, interesting, before I counted, I somehow felt that I came out to a lot o people, but only three :<.... Anyway, so I am not really out, and definitely don't look gay at all, but I am already fucking The Designer. The Designer is so nice to me that I feel almost as if I have this safety net that will catch me if I don't survive in the gay world. So now, I am not out, having this thing going on with The Designer, and haven't been to the gay area at all. I think it is pretty messed up. So last night, I was determined to check it out to see how it is like in West Hollywood.

I had a lot of expectations before I went. I was thinking, everyone would be so good looking, and people would be so nice etc. I got that right, people were good looking, and a lot of them were so cute. But somehow, I was STILL AFRAID to even look at them. What the fuck is wrong with me?!! By the time Michelle drove us to Abbey, I started to have a panic attack. I was breathing faster and faster, and felt really uncomfortable. I felt so exposed and at the same time I somehow believed that if I don't get hooked up or something, I would be considered a failure. YEah, a homo who failed at being a homo. With all these thoughts swirling aroudn my head, we ventured into Abbey. Before we went in, Michelle told me that this place is a restaurant/bar/lounge/club. So I really thought it was an outdoor White Lotus with extra areas. But the whole thing is a like a ginormous club because the loud music is everywhere. I then started to feel the panic again, stomach started to churn, and eyes wandering aimlessly. I didn't know what to think and how to act. The out and proud freedom confused me. I saw some huge drag queens, they were quite scary imo. Hester actually went to take pictures with them haha. It was pretty funny. So we were taking pictures with the drag queens (we as in Michelle and HEster, and I was taking the pciture), and then there were about 10 people crowd standing next to me. They were pretty cute, but I couldn't just look at them for some reason. However, I think one of them saw me, and probably saw all my anxiety and insecurity, so he started to talk to his friends in that little crowd, and more people looked at my direction, and they started to laugh. OMG it's never been more embarrassing. What were they laughing about? My dumbfound expression? or my more than obvious awkwardness? Maybe they think I am ugly? I didn't know what to think but hurried up Hester and we went to some other areas in Abbey.

Eventually we sat down to eat. Michelle btw is also gay, that is why we were there. I felt that it was only safe to go with her since she was like a know-it-all homoworld tour guide. So the whole night I was clinging on her as if I would die otherwise. While we were eating, there was a group standing on a 2-3 inch platform area next to us, and the girl complimented on Hester's angel wings she wore that night. And then they started to talk, and that girl also grabbed her guy friend and introduced him as David. She then said, isn't he hot? and he is straight too! So Hester started to chat with him non-stop. I was thinking, you've got to be kidding me, in a gay club, she still managed to snag a piece of the action, whereas I am sitting there just eating. I felt like such a loser. Most importantly, I felt like I let Michelle down. She was so excited and everything and she has done this kinda favor, you know, bring the fresh meat to the market, for many gays. I was probably the worst one in her experience. People probably won't even notice me if I were used as a Holloween prop. So due to all these crazy thoughts, the best action I thought available was to keep drinking. So kept drinking anything that was there on the table and got quite buzzed toward the end. Because of Michelle's project fanatical finish on Wednsday, I was still dead tired last night, it was so much to just even smile. Therefore, after all these drinks, I was non-stop yawning. I was thinking, good job, you idiot, you never looked hotter in your life. But I coudlnt' help it, and kept yawning the night away. Michelle on the other hand, is not much better off either. She went to Mexico due to another school project and she just came back with 7 hours os sleep in her pocket for the past 2 days. So she just sat there yawning too. LOL.....

Eventually, Hester got really wasted and was ready to go. She was so cute when she was drunk. Especially last night, she was very very wasted. Her actions became random and quite theatrical. By the time we made it back to Michelle's apartment, we all just crashed on her bed. Hester wanted to puke but couldn't, and poor Michelle had to take care of her. It must so hard for her considering she'd been having a huge crush on Hester. I was laying there, spinning and thiking and takling about I probably should blow her male roomate to feel better. I took off my shirt and half naked and sandwiched Michelle. It was pretty funny though....

Then we all passed out. Around 5:00am we woke up because Hester has to be home; her parents don't approve overnights at stranger's house. She is 23 already but whatever...

Overall I was just glad I did this, and felt really bad for Michelle. I felt like I let her down in some ways. Also, I am so confused because when we go to a straight setting parties etc, I am ok. But somehow in a gay club I am like a dumbass. However, when I really thought about my straight part experiences, which are a lot, I realized that the only reason I was fine and rolling around all over the place is because wasn't intersted talking to girls. But in a gay club I should talk to guys and suddenly found myself 100% inexperienced. This is such a virgin territory that it scares me a lot. What if I will never know how to act in this kind of environment? Maybe I am just a very boring person who doesn't know how to initiate a conversation with strangers in a club. Sigh...quite frankly I realy do not know how to think about the experiences last night. It is just a huge pile of confusion.

Sergio is back from NY today, I will probably meet up with him, and talk about this with him.