Gays got screwed again.

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Let's hear what Rachael says about the fuck up about Obama's Rick Warren pick.

I just love her.

Well This has been forever

Well maybe not as long as my vacation but the difference is that I am here and able to post anytime I just somehow chose not to.

Life's been pretty chill lately. Made some new friends, hit on a straight guy, and went to party with bunch gays that was fun.

I was pretty down a while back because I had a major fall out with one of my closest friends and we weren't talking. We are still not talking and I am kinda over it. However, I think that somehow made me open my eyes and look at other individuals. So I guess that is a good thing overall.

There is this one guy at my gym whom everyone seems to know. He is French and somewhat flamboyant. I thought to myself, "hmmm he is either gay or just European". It turns out that he is both!

I talked to him about two weeks ago and I told him where I worked etc. He said
"oooo you should meet my friend, who happens to be in the same company with you, such a sweet person."
I said, "oh cool, a guy or a girl?"
"oh a guy, haha I am not trying to setup a date for you haha", "I mean I don't know if you like guys or girls, so I am just saying, "so what do you like".

That was when I was still in the gym so I just laughed. About five seconds later we were out of the gym and he asked me again why am I laughing. I said,

"What about you, are you gay?"
"He said yes, I have always been, haha. I have a partner who was engaged to a woman though, but me, yes always gay", "so are you gay?"
"I just came out not long ago."

As I was speaking, there are more people coming out of the gym and I could see this one woman took a bit extra attention to our conversation when I said I just came out. It felt kinda liberating lol.

So after this exchange, we got each other's numbers and proceeded to text each other for the next week or so. Grabbed drink on Monday with him and his TV producing friend. They were pretty nice and so easy to talk to. But I guess that is because they are more mature both mentally and physically and they have less that I am the center of the universe flare. That flare really kinda scares me hehe.

---

About hitting on the straight guy it was pretty funny. I saw this swimmer build guy at the gym working out. He is very fit but apparently his upper body isn't strong. He looked VERY young and I just couldn't stop looking. I think he saw me looking too since I wasn't subtle at all. LOL sigh, I don't do subtle often not because I don't want to. It is just that I am so clumsy when it comes to subtle I can never pretend lol. So we finished working out together and he was in the locker changing and I just stared. When we both walked out the gym, I followed him to his car. He seemed to look in my way too but he didn't initiate a conversation so eventually I just went up to him and introduced myself. He was really nice and talkative. When I felt the conversation was a bit too superficial, I just cut straight to the chase. I asked him if he liked guys and hopefully he was since I couldn't stop looking that swimmer body. He started laughing saying that he was flattered but he wasn't. He said his brother is bi and his aunt is gay and his 3 uncles are all gay but after experimenting with his brothers' friends, he didn't find it as appealing as woman. It was nice exchange.

Afterward, JR said that is his way of rejecting me. I guess it is also a possibility. But it is a nice experience nevertheless. At least I am doing something and actively trying to get what I want right?

---

This Friday, the gay went out. French guy lives in Silver Lake with his partner and I went to his house. Another 3 gays showed up. They are all in the TV/Movie industry. They seem to be doing quite well for themselves. Lovely people, very easy to talk to. So we chatted and drank for about 2 hours and headed to this place called MJ's. My first time tipping the strippers and it was pretty fun haha, we drank more and danced the night off. The club wasn't as crazy as West Hollywood's and probably less eye candy as well but it was good enough. Great company really counts. Then it started to rain. Felt pretty refreshing even though I normally hate the rain. I came home around 3 am and played some video games and spent Saturday resting.

There you have it!

Have fun.

Hamilton

A weird morning

Everything has been great this weekend till this morning.

Saturday I met up with one of my old buddies and we hit up Huntington Beach for a day of relaxation. He picked me up around 11:00 and we got there 11:50am. Such a short distant I probably should go to this beach from now on. The sun was out, bright and hot. However, the wind was cold and the water was freezing. Most noticeably, the fog refused to disappear. I am not talking about some fuzziness in the air that might stop me from checking out a hot guy. I am talking about some hardcore fog. We could barely see the waves while standing on the beach. Looking at the shore, we really couldn't see the condos. I guess this is something happens often in this area since all the beach goers didn't seem to mind the fog at all. So after 1 hour sun bathing, my friend and I finally decided to go in the water. Normally I wouldn't jump in due to the sub zero temperature of the water. But I dared him to go in so now there is no going back for me. Five minutes in the water was enough for me I couldn't feel my legs and I had very short breathe. I guess this is how you would feel if one day you are in the unfortunate hypothermia scenario. Definitely horrible. We played around talked a lot and just totally enjoyed the day. The fog was enjoying it too. It came and went like it was having fun along with the beach goers. But finally it took its last bow around 2:00pm and the tanning couldn't get any better.

My buddy and I talked about season pass to Big Bear so we could go snowboard all winter long. We talked about relationship and friends and career. It was again just really relaxing and I didn't have to care what I had to say. It was refreshing for the mind. After the beach we went to this small joint nearby called "Taco Surf". I had one of the baddest burrito for a long time. That along with a very sweet and well mixed strawberry Margarita, the afternoon has never seemed to be so beautiful haha. We totally pigged out because the portion was so large. Laughed a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, def good times.

This prompted me to tell him that I was gay. But he is in fact homophobic. This kinda scares me a bit. I do not want to lose another friend because of this and he is a really hard working, sincere guy. I guess I will just keep hanging out with him throughout the winter see where this leads us.

--

This morning I had a dream. Well technically speaking, it was afternoon because I woke up at 2:00pm. In the dream I was at a small bar and people were talking, drinking, and eating. I somehow was sitting in front of the girl who outted me to her boyfriend and brother despite the fact that I specifically told her not to. I don't know why I dreamed about drinking with her because she really wasn't on mind for a long time. Then suddenly the whole bar became quiet because it was the hourly "cell phone" time. Supposedly in this short period of time, everyone could use the cell phone and call people they need to talk to and everyone should speak at a low volume so that their conversation with their friends and family can go on interrupted. Then one of my good friends back in the last semester at USC came by. She is in the i-banking business now and working in San Francisco. I was so surprised she came. We started to talk as if we were still in school. It was so nice. Then she told me, Hamilton, you really need a career change, you can do soo much more. Come on change it. Then I just woke up.

Indeed, I miss this girl from USC. She is smart, talented at what she does, and very sociable. I called her right away and we talked about this dream, career etc on the phone for a bit. Ah... I hope I can head up there soon. I need to keep these quality people in my life close. Also I had to mention that she was so sweet to ask me if I am seeing anyone and ensured me I would find the right one when I am ready. haha. so sweet.

Anyways, I am going to eat now and watch the Emmy's. One of my coworker is actually going to the Emmy's. So fancy, it is just like how my managers rocked out at the VMA. When can I roll like that????? damn.

Coming out to my mom - 2

Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.

So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.

My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.

"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.

I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."

"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"yeah..."
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"

By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.

"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."

She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.

It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.

"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"

Pause,

"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"

Silence.

"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."

Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.

Half jokingly, "are you gay?"

Silence
"ARE YOU?"

More tears.

Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"

"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.

She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"

Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,

"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.

I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.

She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"

I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.

She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"

She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.

All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.

"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."

She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.

"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."

"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."

She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.

Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.

Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.

"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."

"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."

She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"

"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."

Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.

But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.

Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.

"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."

"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."

For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.

This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.

Coming out to my mom - 1

I think I am as in shock as she is.

The coming out was totally unplanned, unscripted, and seemed to be unnecessary at the end. Again I am so in shock that I am not sure if I should feel regret about it or not yet.

The whole thing happened because of a fight. I had a big argument with my dad again regarding some very stupid problem and then I was just angry the whole night. In addition, I am turning 24 this Friday and I have always have this conflicted feeling toward birthdays. I think it is great that you are moving on, involuntarily, but at the same time it is so incredibly sad because life isn't giving you enough time to reflect and enjoy and in my case to plan my coming out. Everyday, on the back of my mind, I somehow think about how I am living in a lie to my parents and how incredibly stupid this whole situation is. For some conservative American families, this might be a big deal since being gay is never celebrated. But for my family it is beyond just moral and psychological disorders. Because I am the only child, I have also carried on their dreams, their hopes, and their drive for better lives since I was a kid. Being gay means destroying all these establishments mentally for my mom. I am so scared to even talk about gay issues with her not mentioning telling her that her very own son is also gay.

People always say mothers always know, even they deny it, they still got it down in the back of their minds. Well some people are wrong. My mother had absolutely no freaking clue so it made my whole night even more dramatic and difficult.

Anyways. After feeling blue for a while I decided to just go to bed. Somehow my tired mind and body decided not to hit the sack. My mind went wild while I laid still on my bed. First it was just how irrational my dad has become and how great if my dad were more understanding, logical, and supportive. Not just to me but also to the whole family. I think if there is a crisis, his demeanor would just make things even more intense for my mom. Then I just felt really bad for my mom. She's given up a lot for me here in America and she really has no agenda for me whatsoever. Unlike many other Chinese parents, she never made me do a thing that I didn't want to do. I don't like to be a doctor, ok fine don't study medicine; I think being a lawyer is boring, that is ok, don't study law, etc. She has just always been very supportive and all she wanted is to make me happy and grow up as a decent person. She is a very strong woman yet extremely emotional and sometimes irrational when her emotion takes over. So at times I think she would take the news well but then I felt that she would probably go insane and just completely lose it. I really don't know what to think and what to believe. Usually my brief coming out courage would be stopped right here when I think about her emotional strength. I just really don't wish anymore hardship and pain on her side. She is getting old and I just want her to be happy too. That is all I can ask for. I hope she can live happily for another twenty years, watching me getting a family and enjoying a couple grandchildren. That is really I want for her and I am sure she isn't asking for more. The simplicity of her hopes is even more taunting for me to do any coming out attempts because I feel that I cannot even satisfy her simplest wish in her life. Al these thoughts made me feel very frustrated at myself and at the situation. So eventually I started to imagine again. I am sure a lot of gay closet kids do this too. You imagine yourself brave enough to break the news and your parents would just come over and give you a huge hug, telling you that you are still their favorite son. No matter what happens you got a family that got your back. Isn't that a nice image to have? Every time I think about this I would feel just a little bit better because I know there is still hope, things might not be as bad as I think. Also for a brief moment I believe this image. I want it so bad that I can feel it and taste it. I always have a small smile to just think about how nice it'd be if my dream is true and how fearless I would become when my family really has my back. However, tonight, this imagery is playing tricks on me, it won't leave me alone. The well accepted coming out scene is played over and over and in each subsequent replay, my mom reacted to it better.

I really started to believe that it was possible to have this happy ending. I really thought that maybe my mom really does know for a long time that maybe she just doesn't know how to break the ice. Then I made a decision. I will plan a nice dinner probably at the end of this year and just ell her then. Whatever happens then I will have to deal with it, there is no running away anymore. However, I was so caught up in this master plan that I actually felt a bit pumped up. Now there is really no way that I can sleep anymore. So I just kept on thinking. After this brief triumphant moment, I started to think about how lonely and unhappy that I feel because of this situation. The future is always this dangerous area for and the approaching birthday is like a death alarm clock that goes off the same time every year warning me I have only so little time left before I come clean. Just in a blink of an eye, I became extremely depressed again. Then I heard it, my mom coming up stairs. I didn't really want to tell her anything tonight but somehow I just really wanted my mom to be around tonight so I said
"Can't sleep, wanna just come here and sit around me for a little bit? That will be nice you know."
Never to reject a chance to spend some time with her only son, she said
"of course".

Some quick bits

Life has been pretty peaceful lately. There is really no ups and downs. I am just chilling and taking the new found peace in my life piece by piece. Don't get me wrong, I am not 65 looking for wheelchair lifestyle, but it is just kinda nice to know certain things have been settled for good. The week passed by fairly fast because of work. I feel like that each day is composed of only three stale elements of one's life -- eat, sleep, work.

Anyways,

Job

Job has been ok. Team has been going through a big restructure so that I had nothing much to do the whole week. I think I printed out about 3000 pages of financial documents so far. Yes, isn't it exciting. It is as mind blowing for me as a nice wheel for a hamster. Despite the crunch work so far, I still find the position worthwhile. My boss seems to be nice at this moment and people are definitely professional. They don't do the fake friendly chit-chat. In addition, I can wear casual outfit and shorts and sandals on Fridays. So I guess that is a bit of a compensation for my pathetic pay. I am looking forward to this week because I really want to start doing something that is intellectually challenging and worth my freaking time.


Leisure

I went to a movie on Wednesday with a friend and we saw Rush Hour 3. It was the absolutely the worst movie I have seen in a long time. I have never been a fan of racial jokes and they didn't only fully exploited the beaten to death racial jokes but also invented bunch stupid racial/political jokes that seemed to be way too ignorant and preaching for its own good. The movie took itself way too seriously at times given the overall theme was ridiculous, implausible and unoriginal. In the beginning, I just felt it was such an unwise mistake that I decided to see this movie the first 20 mins. But then I just felt utterly stupid when the stupid people around me who appeared to be genuinely enjoying it. I could actually hear the gasp from the lady next to me "ah... oh... omg ganster". Where the fuck has she been? I don't know but she probably hasn't seen many movies lately. Who gasps "omg gangsters" when they see a movie...

Chris Tucker has the most annoying voice that I have ever heard and his physical comedy isn't funny at all. If I wanted to see stupid people who act like a turkey I would go see Jack Ass 2. Jackie Chan on the other hand is just too old. I mean he is like an old Chinchilla. He could barely kick anymore. One scene in the movie where he was supposed to descend a building to the streets then jump on multiple ledges to a freeway was so pathetically choreographed that Jackie Chan looked clumsy, frightened, and laughable. Clumsy because he did the sequence very slow and the scene clearly showed his stretched to the max physical ability when you can see the veins popping up on his head. Frightened because only god knows how many takes it took, he still looked at the next place to jump without ease. You could almost hear his inner self cussing like crazy for what he would do for money. Laughable because after you see Bourne Ultimatum you just feel so sorry for Jackie Chan and his character. It is like he is doing a Scary Movie style spoof of Bourne or something like that...

I can keep going on and on about their stupid accent, racial jokes, and anti war unsubtle messages. But I think you already got the idea.



Guys

This is the guy who I messaged first then returned me telling me that his body was mine for the taking and continued to flirt a bit. However, he flaked out later for no apparent reason. All my pictures are public so he saw me before his replied. I don't know what stopped his interest. Oh wellz, another flaky hookup, story of my life eh? I think I am gonna give myself another month before I venture out to WeHo again. I still need money haha and I need to get things done before I can enjoy myself fully. I think it is absolutely necessary for me now to just go out there and find what is mine. I don't want to deal with this flaky online hookup thing anymore and I think it is time to start a functional relationship.

Shopping

After chatting up with my mom last night, she decided to buy me a decent bday gift this time. So we went shopping today. She bought me a pair of New Balance running shoes and new pair of Prada sunglasses. I really love them. The shoes and glasses can be used right away and I really wanted them for a long time so it was so nice of her to buy them for me haha. I am thinking about buying her a LV or Gucci bag when her bday comes around. Ah parents, sometimes they really get on your nerve but you just can't stop loving them.

Friends

I am having this episode once again. I think I have too many female friends. I really think the gay part of me totally took the advantage of it and exploited it. Now I become the victim of my identity. Interestingly enough I made these friends before they knew I was gay so I guess they weren't my friends because they didn't feel threatened or anything. That is a good thing for me. But then as much as I appreciate and cherish any friendship that I managed to maintain - I am very picky in the friends department because I don't easily let people in on a personal level - I still feel that more dudes would be better. Yet I find it kinda hard to find mature guys who can really be comfortable with who I am. I read the post from Urban Insanity and I was so caught up in his fantastic stories that I neglected one of the most distinguishable and intriguing part for me -- his guys friends discuss guys with him. I realized this fact after I went back to his many other stories on different occasions. He could be just one of the guys who just happens to talk about guys. I mean I would never be that brave or comfortable even my friends who claim that they are cool with me being gay. I mean none of the guy friends I know know I am gay but even if they are cool with it I don't think they would be all that interested to talk about my guy problems or be able to understand and really engage in any meaningful conversation regarding this matter. On the contrary, the girls can so I guess subconsciously know that girls would be more accepting so I made more effort with them? On the other hand, I feel a bit out of place when it comes to new guy friends. Usually I can carry on a conversation regarding whatever, but when it comes to hardcore sports statistics I am like a mute. That seems to be what they all talk about anyway. It is unoffensive, bonding, and interesting for the dudes so why wouldn't they talk about it. Because of the neutral nature of sports talk, people prefer it over political social and economical topics which I am pretty interested in. But all those could be very offensive at times or people are just apathetic about them. So I kinda avoided just chilling with the guys unless we are doing something. Sitting there and just talking isn't my thing I guess. It is so complicated...

The reason I am going through this again is because my bday is coming up. I feel obligated to do something because my friends feel that I should do something. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean they are already thinking about it before you think about it and they are more interested than you are, doesn't that make you feel like a douche? I kinda do so I am pumping up my enthusiasm and planning something simple next weekend. Then I realized how out of proportion the genders of my friends are. I mean I can easily call up 8 girls at this moment and I can only think of about 4 guys that I feel really close to. That is kinda gay and I probably come out of the closet by default... Some other people are out of town so I don't know what I should do. Limit the female guests? Then what if they find out... Ah... I wish I were more of a guy's guy. I am really not that feminine on the outside but I guess there is a lot of my emotional traits that are very sensitive and feminine. This somehow kills me to even just think about it. It is even more painful to admit it. But truth is never pretty I guess.

Workout

I am back to my gym routine now. As a matter of fact, I have been pretty fucking dedicated. On Friday night, I was so tired from work that I had to pull over off the freeway to take a nap before I continued to drive. I was 2 miles away from my gym but I was too tired to even drive that little distance at that point. Despite this little unforeseen circumstance, I still managed to go to the gym and raped myself on the weights after I woke up 50 mins later in my car.

My trainer has been promoted to Tier3 now and his regular fee is 115 dollars/hour. My gym is 110 dollars/month. So if I train 2 times a week then that is gonna be almost 600/month on gym. I don't think I got that kinda money. Good news is that my trainer is also leaving the gym. I told him that I really like the client-trainer relationship and I am accustomed to his training routine, so how many more sessions I should order from him. He thought about it and told me to just get 12 sessions more. So 12 session receives 10% discount. I guess I can handle that. So hopefully he leaves the gym soon and I will cancel this god forsaken gym as well. Then I will just pay him about 60-70 for training each time and use the gym at work for 40/month. As we progress I will get less training as we go on. I don't know it sounds like a lot of money but I paid 1.8k for 4 months worth of training and it didn't feel such a financial hassle for me. So I guess I will continue that. I hope he won't jack up the price when he goes solo later and it'd nice if he can give me discount if I order 100 sessions at a time. lol... God I could buy a fucking BMW with that money. Talking about new cars, I am thinking about a BMW... I will see how my cash flow goes lol.

Yeah I am gonna go to bed now. It's late and I am doing summer alternative hours which means I will go early everyday and leave on my regular time so that I can have Friday half day off. Isn't that great! But too bad that this week is the last week of this program for the summer =/...

Anyways ciao~~

Death brings closure?

It certainly does! At least for one party!! As sad as it sounds it is so true. True, cold, and cruel, just like death itself. But at least it is certain, it brings closure.

I just read this post by Urban Insanity. The post can be found here. It was just a normal another grandma dead story for a reader. Yes it may sound a bit insensitive. But for reals, if it weren't related to you in some way, it is just stories when you read. I am sure it is gut wrenching, heart breaking for Urban. Well that is how it started. Then it resonated me when he said about how he is his grandma's golden boy, how his grandma asks him who he is dating how he is doing and how he can never really answer those questions.

That really hit me. That is exactly what happened on my trip back to my hometown. I am the Chinese only child in the family. That literally means I am the family extension in this world. I BEAR the responsibility to shag a impregnate a girl so that my family name will carry on. Other than that everyone just assumed I am straight. My grandma is half paralyzed from stroke so she couldn't speak, but I am certain that she wants to ask. Three aunts of mine, other close and distant family members, my mom's friends, and strangers all have asked me, "dating yet? what kind of girl, ready to get married." JUST WTF. All I could do is smile like a retard.

My grandma, though her love to her family wasn't communicated to her kids as well as Urban's grandma, the sincerity was real. She would never understand the whole gay thing and how bad she wanted to be a great grandmother. Yet I find myself completely speechless and cowardly when it comes to my sexually. I want my true self to be with my family like how it is supposed to be. I really can't. Same to my parents. I thought possible solutions for our situation. One is to live a double life: married with gays, suck cocks on the sides. That is just fucked up and it would ruin so many people's lives once exposed. Two is to live a gay life and lie to my parents, which would be painful and it would definitely disappoint my parents but at least I am not causing as much damage. Three is to come clean which doesn't seem to be possible. The best solution seems to be the second one but the closure would only come when one of us is dead, either my family or me. It is so horribly sad and yet it seems to be so logical.

Urban found closure eventually when he thinks that his grandma is knowing and at peace. However, that is because he finally decided to move on and to find his own peace. What if the sense of responsibility is so strong that I can't move on. Then I would feel like I betrayed my grandma EVEN in her death. Now she is dead AND furious about my situation. What would i do then? I won't be able to talk to a dead person and the sense of guilt would be much more enduring...

I am not sure death would bring me closure but it seems to be the only solution. Don't worry I am about to kill myself or my family for that matter. I am just saying this as a matter of fact.

This totally blows.

Random things

I went lazy a bit and only updated a lame video but then I felt like I had more to say, so I am gonna just say things in different categories.

Update 1:
Retards.




This is just sad. I mean, the Christian Fundamentalists should kill these people secretly since they make the evil empire look dumb. I like the second guy who couldn't put an entire sentence together. I am sure Falwell is so pissed that he is rolling in his grave now.

How do people become so blind? how could they allow themselves to be so brainwashed. Man DO I APPRECIATE university education. At least I could do some critical thinking on my own.

These people are so stupid that I think it is funny. I am also relieved. With people like this in our path, this war would end soon. Equality for all is not that far away now.


Update 2
Long conversation

Well the long conversation happened because everyone was depressed and tired. I know, it was strange. Well this morning I was awaken by my dad's endless rant about how the new modem for our company's internet has arrived that I should go there and set it up immediately. It was 9:30am and I worked on the stupid windows vista problem till 3 the night before. So after a brief screaming contest, he left and I woke up. Grumpy but wide awake for sure. So I contacted dell support and the problem wasn't resolved. I had to leave around 11:30am to catch a lunch with a formal Disney coworker. It was a great lunch. Saw some old Disney people and made chit chat. My friend and I apparently aggressively tried to recruit her away from Disney hahaha... Then I went to Hookah and at the same time worked on the windows vista issue with my friend. I called dell support and entered another long conversation which started out with one dissatisfied customer and ended with a screaming enraged customer who threw profanity left and right. Yes I was an asshole, and trust me they deserved it, too. Ok I guess Dell multi billion loss/effort on customer service just went to the toilet and yes their CEO was useless and that strategy SUCKED. So then after all this, I rushed back home to see Spiderman 3 with another friend. Rushed was a bit exaggerated since I-5 had three accidents and it wasn't moving. A trip that would normally take me 30 mins took me about 2.5 hours to complete. I finally arrived at the theater at 6:30pm.

Spiderman 3 was ok. I felt that many scenes were trying a bit too hard. I mean it has never been good if the audiences laugh at scenes that are supposed to be serious and sad. However, I guess that was just for some people. My friend cried at the same scene where others were laughing. God girls... Sorry for the slight bit of sexism but oh girls...

Then I went home tired... But I was determined to fix the windows vista problem. After a system restore it actually worked... Then I was happy. But then I realized that I lost my windows vista backup CDKEY. I must have left that cd envelope at the Hookah place. FUCK ME...

The day has just been really long till now. Then I went into my parents room saw my dad talking on the phone. That was when it got heavy. One of my aunt was hospitalized for heart attack. She was released later but she told us that her heart rate was like 20beats/min at one point. Jesus FUCK MAN, that is pretty insane. More bad new continued. The husband of my second aunt had prostate cancer and it had spread all over his body and penetrated his bone marrow. So basically he is a big cancer organ now. They don't think that he can survive much longer and he decided to go back to his hometown and bid farewell to his older family members. Tragic... Then my youngest aunt collapsed at home from exhaustion. See, my grandma had a stroke a couple years ago and half of her body paralyzed since then. My youngest aunt is one of those very traditional Chinese who would be so caring for her parents that she would put their healthy before hers at any given time.

The entire tragic fiasco came out of no where and just hit me like that. I wasn't so shocked by the diseases that they caught per se. I mean seriously everyone including the victims expected these outcomes somewhat either consciously or subconsciously. I mean the years of bad habits and life style, on top of that, how they struggled and prioritized materialistic problems in their lives finally caught up with their health. I remember when I visited home two years ago, I could already see that some of them were already half way through the death's door. It was simply a given.

What hit me hard was that, my generation has finally reached this point where my older generation starts to peace out. It is a long, painful, and inevitable process. So my mom was tearing up. More so for their fate and how helpless that each generation feels when the older ones are dying in front of their eyes. Then she didn't think she was a good daughter etc. I said lots stuff and many points were scattered around. To make long story short, I made a list of stuff I said to both of my parents:

1. Live your own life. If you have to focus, focus on the later generation because you can only do so much for the old. I said this because my mom didn't think she was a good daughter. Well I want to tell her that she can only do so much before the old people just get so old that it is really in god's hand at certain point. (I use the term god loosely, mainly to the extent of fate, in a spiritual way) There is no point on dwelling what you haven't done because there will be a million things that you always think that you could have done but didn't. We cant live in regrets. Just do the best we can at this time within our ability. I mean seriously, we can only do so much when there is a giant ocean separating the families.
2. Please take care of your own bodies because if any of you dies it'd be a very hard thing to deal with for all of us. An ordeal and no less, a good 5-8 years at least. See my parents are pretty progressive and I always say that we should think things through beforehand. Including death. My mom has been having some problem with her liver and my dad has been struggling with high blood pressure. Also my grandpa died from colon cancer and my dad is approaching my grandpa's age when he died. It was all very scary to think about and quite depressing to talk about at the same time. But I think it was important to talk about it. Once I touched the subject and leaving it in the open, my parent would tend to have more courage to think about it and actually do something about it. I told my dad if mom dies he would just collapse physically and mentally. I told him that despite that he might be denying this but the truth was that he has no mental or physical capacity or capability to handle any kind of pressure nowadays. He has just never been good at it anymore once he got older. He didn't even deny it. It was good to talk about actually. For the first time, I didn't see my dad being ignorant. He wasn't in denial in some of the important issues and that was very important.
3. They should be happy about what they have and stop stressing over their business. After all health and happiness are really the things they would relish not just on deathbed but throughout their lives. They agreed and they thought that I shouldn't get into a field where it would become too competitive. I compared their lives with my dad's sibling's lives. I mean the three aunt's lives I mentioned above. After the comparison it wasn't that hard to see that we still had a lot even though we might be stressed out sometimes here and there. I think once we had this talk, they really felt a bit relieved and for that I am relieved as well.

Those were the main points that I thought it was the key. We also mentioned about career things but those were just kind of old talks that we have been having since the beginning of time.

The conversation seriously lasted about 3 hours and I was really glad we did it. My dad and I aren't what you would call "buddies". So this is really once on a blue moon kinda event. It was actually really really good. A bit surprising and I think most importantly we touched some great issues that hopefully raised more concern regarding THEIR well-beings. They need to stop worrying about me now. They told me that all they want for me is that I have a good education, a stable job, a decent living and most importantly, doing all these to achieve the ultimate goal, to just be happy. That is all they want. I sincerely believe what they say even though they may give me lots unwanted pressure. However, I really wish that they could still say the same thing when one day I tell them that I am gay.

Update 3
Trip.

Another reason that we are all kinda stressed out lately is because my mom and I are going to China for both business and pleasure for a month. We are leaving next Tuesday. Yes, that is exactly why I have been a bitch screaming at Dell people since I would never imagine a crappy computer made from a crappy manufacturer can't even last long enough for a business trip.

Update 4
60 Mins on Sexual Orientation
60 Mins on Gay.
Thanks Towleroad.com for the clip collection.

Anyways, this post is getting out of hand. See ya

This is fucking hilarious.

I really hope he is gay. He is so dreamy. God yum..... Here is the link to the Brady Quinn and His Allegedly Slutty GF Post. Thanks Justin for posting those pix and enticed me enough to read this hilarious post. In order to entice others, I am gonna post some pix!!

Wooooot!!

Awww. so cute

To enjoy the article you can simple click on those links which direct you to Kissing Suzy Kolber Blog. It is so good and freaking hilarious.

Source: Kissing Suzy Klber Blog, all images are taken off from that site. I do not own any rights to these images.

Marriage

Ah. I am gonna keep this short since I could easily get lost in this topic.

I just went to have coffee with M, who I haven't seen for a while. She took on three jobs to finance her trip back to the Philippine the second time in half year. I don't know it sounds pretty crazy, 3 jobs? Anyway, we met up to catch up but also she is giving me back the money she owe me from the Hawaii trip.

She met this girl back in the Philippine and they fell in love. She really wants to bring her to the States. But gays aren't allowed to marry so that there is no way that she can do this by herself. So she asked this gay guy she knew to marry her girl in the Philippine so that he could bring her back here and get a citizenship. It'd be fake but it wasn't really her choice since she couldn't do it legally because of the retarded law. She asked the guy about 7 months ago and told him what kind of work would involved and explained to him the full extend of his liability. He told her yes and yes over and over again over the course of 7 months. She was convinced that he would do it so she told her girlfriend in Philippine that he would do it. They were all very so excited. Now as her departure date approached, he seemed to be backing out. She tried to contact him for two weeks and he didn't pick up the phone. She ran into him a couple days ago at work and he only said that he was really really busy. Given the magnitude she was very upset and frustrated.
I think it is kinda messed up. I can understand and respect if one doesn't want to get involved in a situation like this because of its uncertainty. However, I wouldn't understand why would anyone lead someone to believe that things like this would work in the beginning then back out at the last moment. Also, always be a man, either you like it or not, say it, don't be flaky about it. I am still flaky here and there but whenever I want to be flaky I always try to push myself to be more direct. I think practice will make perfect in this case. They have known each other for a long time, well like three years, and now that he is bailing out without grace and decency. Even though it would probably damage the friendship regardless how he responds her at this moment, I still think she would probably appreciate it more if he just comes clean with it. Don't leave people hanging.

I don't know. It is a hard situation to be in for anyone. M appreciates the effort but I really don't think she understands how big of a deal it is for others. Even though it sounds easy enough -- she pays him for the trip and gets back with his wife and pretends to be married for two years, the uncertainty involved is great. I would have said no first hand and I told M that as well. God forbids, what if their relationship does not work out? I mean hell it is a relationship, there is a great chance that it won't work out. M's girlfriend is very young, I think 20 years old and M is a bit older so I think mentally they could be at a different place. Los Angeles is a place of temptation, and once she comes here from the Philippine would she still be M's sweet little girl? If things are not working out, what happens to the "husband"? You see, for the marriage to work, they have to rent places together on the paper, share same bank account and the account has to have activities. There are bunch of other random things that they need to do together on paper. Even though they can settle the financial stuff backstage there is still a certain level of risk. I am not saying that because of this risk that a person should do what her friend did to her, but I think it is just a great deal to ask someone to do this and she thinks that "he doesn't have to do anything".

I just hope everything works out. None of this would have happened if she is allowed to marry her. Now she is very upset, not just about this situation but also the stupid law. It is really sad if you think about it. It genetic and why can't they just give us some rights. It is pathetic enough that we even have to ask.

Going to Hawaii in a couple of hours

Today is the day and I am leaving pretty soon. The flight is in 3 hours!! I am pretty excited.

I woke up pretty early in the morning and went to school for my HIV test. I thought I could get the rapid testing and get the result right away. But they told me that the school doesn't do rapid testing and the result takes 1 week to be delivered. Also they do not do anoymous testing in Spring break. So I schedule to the test for the week after the break and my result will come back the week after. Oh man... I guess I will have to wait for the whole two weeks then. One more week delay, that is one more week of accuracy I guess... Is this a good sign?? I am getting all superstitious.

Ex-gay Boston Legal

I don't know why I still haven't been following the show because I apparently love the show. Every single episode will bring a great current event, social subject, or philosophical discussion, that makes me think a lot. I saw this episode about two weeks ago and I absolutely LOVED it. After watching the following segment I was so inspired and excited that I could shout. Only if people in the government could see it this way.

Young vs Old

I am sure I am not alone on this one. But I still find it a bit unsettling in a way.

I am extremely attracted to older, muscular, masculine, and intelligent man who has a very nice job. It is not the money but the power that really draws me in. Let it be political power or knowledge power as long as they are superior in one of those old respected professions. For example, doctors, lawyers, businessman, CEOs omg these people are so hot. I like them to be old enough to be successful which mean 30-45. As long as they take a good care of themselves it is fair game for me. I have mentioned before that when I was interning in Disney this old guy who already had a full head of grayish black hair was rocking a fantastic body that you don't see often on a 20 year old. It was so hot. Even though his position wasn't that power inducing but he did work directly with the executives on the board. That is really hot for me!

I just think that at my age, shouldn't I be drooling over hot young guys? I think I should, but let's say if I see a hot guy at a night club or see a hot older guy who has the qualification I mentioned above at a black tie event, I will go home with the older one in a heartbeat. I don't know why is that. Do I need a father figure?? Maybe, but I try to avoid that direction since that would be kinda gross. Did I suppress my gayness by being straight-acting (Chris from about a boy and his briefs hates this statement, but Chris bear with me I am just trying to make a point) for too long that I am desperate to be a submissive guy in a relationship? It beats me I can't understand it.

The reason that I brought this up was that I met this doctor in my gym. He is very well groomed, good looking, and have biceps that make my legs weak. His entire body is very fit and well proportioned. He works in Pasadena as a doctor. He is at least well off because he goes to this gym which charges 110 dollars a month for basic membership. The brief interaction with him today made my minds wander around quite a bit. I suspect that he is gay. Because,

1. He is very well groomed. But then a lot of doctor is well groomed...
2. He is very muscular. But then doctors most likely know it better that they should keep their bodies fit.
3. He has no wedding ring. Well maybe he focused too much on his career or divorced or just took it off when he goes to the gym.
4. We made a short eye contact when I entered the locker. He looked at me, I smiled back, and his warm "Hi" started some conversations. We introduced each other and made small talks. But then maybe because he is very well educated he is just that etiquette or maybe because other people are just too rude all the time that I just received the wrong vibe.

I don't know. I saw him again today. He just finished and was eager to leave. But we still made small talks. He was changing while we were talking and I saw those veins popping out on his sweet biceps. God...

Oh well at least I know that he goes in at lunch to do cardio then goes back to work and he comes here early on Fridays. Hopefully I can catch him more and see what happens.

Have you or would you ever blatantly asked a random guy out before you know for sure he is gay?

I am sure there are people like that out there and unfortunately I know I ain't one of them.

I went to Gypise Cafe again with Hester today. I saw this really good looking UCLA student sitting there alone. He was smoking his Hookah eating his food and very focused on his Apple laptop. He never stopped typing stuff. The only break he would take was to sucking the smoke from the bong or to eat his food. He had some scruffy looking beard, which looked hot and cuddly. Very nice face feature. I couldn't stop looking. He never for once looked up to checkout anyone or anything around him. He just stared that stupid laptop and never stopped typing.

Now, I thought, if I have balls, I would just walk up to him and say "hey dude, my name is xxxx, and I couldn't stop noticing you, would you like to grab coffee sometimes?" There are four possible outcomes:
1. I would love to.
2. Sorry I have a boyfriend
3. Sorry man, I am not gay.
4. Punch me in the face.

Ok that is 25% succeeding chance without the consideration of all other add-in factors such as me being attractive enough for him or if there would be any chemistry. So the slim 25% just got pummeled down to like single digit %. On top of the small success rate I might get punched.

It just made me thinking. Would people really just go at it and ask people then find out if they are gay or not and if they are interested or not at the same time? I just think it is too many rejections at once if it fails which is kinda high. Maybe my gaydar hasn't been fully developed. Hester told me that his voice was very soft and that was her version of gay vibe. I dismissed that. But I kinda wanted to figure it out.

Wish that everyone were just stamped with "gay" "straight" "bi" on their foreheads. beh...

I didn't get to see the gays

I was really motivated to get myself out there to meet more gay people before this semester started. So I did some research online. To my disappointment, the gay organization's websites are far less attractive and organized as the mainstream organizations such as fraternities and academic student bodies. I got really frustrated toward the end so I just used facebook to message a guy who seemed to be very involved with all the gays and held official positions in one of the gay organizations.

His name was Grant. He replied me very quickly and that kinda surprised me a little. We messaged each other a bit and then he told me that they (their group is called U-rap) held meetings every Monday and I should join them. So I did. Embarrassing enough though, the place of the meeting had many rooms and our campus singing group Reverse Omasis also held an audition in that building. I walked in the audition room. Bunch people looked up. I really didn't get the gay vibe from any of them. So being as cautious as I could, I asked "is there a Grant here?" instead of asking "is this the gay meeting here" as I originally planned. Thank god I had some final thoughts. Imagine HOW EMBARRASSING that would have been. Way to not to come out!! I had my version of American Idol scare. I could swear that those people did not think I could sing a bit. haha.

Eventually I found the room and I met some interesting characters. Yes they were gay alright. One of them, Steven, was triple majoring and involved with the gay activities plus his gay-friendly fraternity. God I love over achievers. Even though I feel kinda small and insiginificant around these people who are taking on 10 jobs plus aiming for Nobel prices, I still really like them. Anyways, that night, the topic was "LA gay culture, is it bitchy?" Hm gay enough of a topic I thought. I actually had a lot to say about this but when I started to talk I felt very insufficient on all my points. These people were very experienced. One of the Asian kid was kinda fem and would NOT stfu. Steven the handsome over achiever was clearly more of a leader in the situation and made everyone focus. Regardless of their characters, one thing in common for all of them was that they all had their full-on exposure to gay scenes for many many years. I was exposed to it for like 4 months. But I believe I made some good gay points. hehe.

After I went home that day I felt pretty good. I felt that I was going to the right direction. Last Thursday I received an email from U-rap. They were planning to see a Dream Girls as a group today. Of course I signed up to go. I was all excited and ready till last night I started my messed up Corporate Tax Project. I obviously had no chance of completing this shit had I gone to the movies with them. Besides I have training at the gym with Peter tomorrow at 10:00am. As hard as it was, I called one of the people from that group and told her that I couldn't make it. I really wanted to go though!... She never called me back or texted me back or anything. Kinda apethetic which is kinda disappointing. But oh well, I still have to finish this research thing. Damn....