A Yes Voter @ Work

There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now.  I knew him back at school.  We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much.  Small world, he landed a job in my department.  We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese. 

From conversation to conversation, I can sense a little bit of that juvenile verbal gay bash, such as oh that is so gay, etc.  It is to my dismay, but I am not going to make a big fuzz about it.  However, if he uses faggot, I would probably sulk him.  Ok maybe not that violent but something close. 

We had our discussion regarding Prop 8. on Thursday last week.  The topic came up rather randomly.  We were just talking about random things at lunch.  I mean I actually subconsciously avoided this subject because I really liked this guy as a friend at work.  He is down to earth, very goofy, and have similar sense of humor.  He is also traditional and not crazy on the party scenes.  (I know it is weird, despite what I do on my own, I always find people who don't party much very attractive).  I enjoyed the company.  So I know if I asked, the answer would be disappointing.  However, it is definitely beyond my power to control his actions.  

As our conversation went on, out of no where, he said, 

"I am gonna vote yes on prop 8."

My heart sank a bit.  I mean I already expect this, but to see a person exercise discrimination in front of me, against me unknowingly, is quite unexpectedly disturbing.  I felt so wronged.  What have I done to you?  But I held my cool and asked him why.

He listed about 2 things that were prominent Yes on Prop 8 talking point.  One it is against tradition - why did tradition become synonymous with bigotry anyway,  two he doesn't want the schools to be forced to teach about homosexuality. 

From there I didn't really let him talk too much.  Instead I started to ask him a series of questions regarding where these feelings and opinions came from, and what were his reasonings to believe such false advertisement.  He couldn't give me any solid answers.  He often muddled I don't know in his goofy ways.  However, his goofy ways were just that, very goofy and stupid, not cute at all.  

I told him that marriage, in English, the word has a strong sense religion is because how the western countries adopted Christianity and associated this union closely with their religion despite the fact that the religion itself is a very young belief in regard to human history.  However, marriage itself is an institution between two people, and it has nothing to do with religion.  There are billions of people in the world and they all get married in one way or another.  They choose to form that institution as they wish and it is no one else's business to tell them what they can or cannot do.  Even more so, to define one's marriage as valid or invalid based on one young religious belief. 

As the education scam, I told him that schools were independent regarding education on marriages, straight or gay.  It is the teachers' limited discretion and parents have plenty influence, so that talking point from Yes on 8 is just a political gimmick to distract voters.  They school weren't required to educate the students in this matter, and why would you want to prevent this if it is not going to happen in the future.  

He later then said something that made me very mad, which was gays want to get married for tax benefit.  I lost it a bit and started to almost scream a little.  But I was trying to make a sound argument so the screaming was definitely gonna belittle my effort, so I tried once again to keep my cool.  I told him that in America alone, there would be roughly 30+ million gays, lesbian, and transgender.  In China alone, there would be enough gays to trump entire American population.  Yet these people would just want to get married for some petty tax benefit.  In case you didn't know, the second class marriage license, the civil union already promised almost all the rights.  Why do these people still try so hard to just get that benefit?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe that people probably want to get married because they love each other? 

I also told him that the professor he worshipped back at USC, the philosophy teacher Dr. Willard taught us a lot about critical thinking.  The key to every issue is to think from different angles and to think for yourself.  I asked him why does he still keep such an unfound fear and discriminative approach to this issue.  There was no answer.

I said that how he often tells me that his dad came here 40 years ago with a few bucks on him and now he is a rocket scientist working for NASA.  I said that this is why he came to America because there is dream opportunity and most importantly equality, or at least the hope to be treated equally.  He had his chance and because of what this country is founded on, and how this country was founded, he was a success.  He probably could never have done the same in another country on earth during his years.  Now he is wealthy and have you in the country and I am pretty sure that was the sole reason for him to move here with just a few bucks on him, because he wanted his next generation to have a better start.  Now you have every opportunity that he didn't have, with such expensive education, all you could think of in this election full of change and hope, is to discriminate against another group of minority when yourself is a member of a group of minority?  He didn't say anything

I felt that he was at least thinking and I wish he would do the right thing on Nov. 4th.

----

Today I asked him how he voted and he said he voted yes.  The following text message took place, and the such horrid and yet deep discrimination from this young 22 year old man was shocking to me.  He was once educated side by side with me, he is living in California, the bluest state, and he has access to information, yet he refuses to see it all and held on to the talking points from the bigots and established his argument on fear. 

Me, (thanks to iphone for the essay length capability of texting)

"I seriously do't know WTF is wrong with you, the self righteous people. I don't know when it has become ok that you can tell others what they could do with their lives.  You often mention how your race was massacred by the Turks, then you should know about oppression, your dad is an immigrant, ask him, he knows discrimination, and now you think you have the position to discriminate against others it is beyond me.  Thanks for taking my rights away, I hope you are really happy now that we are second class citizen like how the blacks were decades ago.  Oh yeah I am sooo disappointed by my tax disadvantage now, after all that is why we try to get married for. You douchebag."

He later came by my desk.  It was awkward, and he was nervous.  He said,

"oh man, someone is bitter huh hehe hehe..."

I was texting to JD, (you know who you are when u read this!), and I slowly looked up, said,

"You know what, I really have nothing to say to you at this point, I really don't want to talk to you anymore.  Thanks for taking the rights away."

"Oh com'on! it is no big deal."

That just also knocked me out,

"What did you say? no big deal? after you become part of this shit, you have the nerve to come here and tell me I am over sensitive and it is no big deal?

"come on, it is ok."

He just stood there not leaving and I tried to finish the text and I couldn't.

"I cannot believe how you worship that philosophy teacher and talk about him all the time, yet you learned nothing from him."

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting,

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting.

"tell me what teacher~~"

He was doing that thing when a 10 year old did something bad, you know rocking side by side, and I looked up his face is blaring red. 

"That Willard guy, you know what, forget, I really have nothing to say to you, can you just go I probably talk to you later, I want to finish my text."

"Just like that."

"Just like that."

He walked away.

-----

I cooled down and thought about it, maybe he didn't realize that I was gay? Is that why he said it is no big deal?  I honestly could have just stopped there, but I feel it is everyone's obligation to make this issue seen.  Silence = Death. 

I texted the following,

"I hope you read what I wrote carefully, then you would notice that I am passionate and serous about this is because I am gay. It is not my choice, I won't apologize about who I am and I demand every god damn right that this country has promised.  It is my right as simple as that, that is all."

He later texted me something that is TRULY a PIECE OF WORK.  It was disturbing and I was SO disappointed in this guy.  He had that innocent juvenile charm, and I thought he was clueless.  I mean you can be only so angry at someone who is stupid right?  But instead, he apparently qualifies to work on Yes on 8 campaign. 

"I have no say in gay marriage, I believe everyone is free to marry anyone. this measure went beyond that into educational institutions. I oppose that.  Children should not be naively swayed away from an opportunity marry and reproduce as the human race is intended to.  This measure is not about discrimination.  I oppose any discriminatory idea. Gays have every right as non gays. When this gay marriage enters school teaching, it practically discriminate non gays and the purpose of the human race as a whole."

So I was flaming, and texted something fast and later when I read it was a bit incoherent toward the end. 

"And that is exactly what didn't happen in the schools. The only way they can make it pass is to lie about it.  Public school board and school superintended had denounced prop 8 because school is never required to teach anything about gay or straight marriage. Catholic and Christians have historically been against abortion and sex education, and ye they are proven to be healthy and beneficial to the society as a whole.  More importantly you apparently didn't read the prop and still use their talking point.  Before prop8 there was no measure to force any education regarding homosexuality, now they made the measure to prevent this; but their true intent as evident as the yes on prop 8 leaders have reiterated over and over is that they have to protect traditional marriage.  It is a REVISION of our constitution to specifically say marriage is between one man and one woman, thus no gays can get married, EVER. I like how they throw in some fake political cloud and all of sudden people will just fall for it.  And further, homosexuality is not fucking taught, I grew up in a hetero environment, teaching about something natural, i don't see how that is so threatening.  It is so sad to see people are so ignorant.  Ironic that decades ago black veterans would be refused by white cab drivers when they come back from war and deemed acceptable, decades later, bigots just replaced one minority with another to bully with.  Are we really changing or just recycling hate?"

No more texts after that.  I saw him two more times and gave him the dirtiest look I think I could achieve.  

I really liked him, but who knew, humans can be so divided over something that was supposed to be a non issue. 

Please go to www.petitiononline.com/seg5130/petition.html to ask our governed to reopen prop 8

Straight to bedroom is really that much better if you don't think about it afterward

I talked to this guy on and off for a while, and it's been on and off for a long time.  I really didn't think it was going anywhere for a while.  But today all of sudden, progress has been made in a very dramatic fashion.  I was checking my email and we talked back and forth email and then switched to text in the middle of the day and then before I knew it we decided to meet up after we both finishing workout.

I had a super long day.  Left work around 8:30 and started working out around 845, when I finished showering it was already 10:00 pm.  I really thought we wouldn't meet up anymore, but he was totally up for it.  So we bot drove to a tea place and got tea and talked.

I have to say it was kinda awkward here and there, and he did look a bit different from his picture but not in a bad way.  However, I don't know if I am super tired or I was just indifferent, I didn't feel any hot for this guy which is surprising because I really thought he was very doable.  He wasn't really too spontaneous on the conversation so I actually had to try to make topics happen.  We ended up talking quite a bit without that awkwardness anymore but I felt so blah afterward.  

Now I am thinking if we met on a Sunday afternoon at his house we would probably have done it and totally not gonna think about this afterward.  But I am looking for a bit more than that at this stage in my life and he totally wasn't.  So for me I guess that killed all the interest for me.  I think he told me that when I asked him, he either wasn't attracted to me and tried to send that message in a nicer way or he was just really want to fuck around.  If it is the latter I don't really think I want to go through that much trouble to schedule and have sex with him because I learned over time that sex is  really about quality not the quantity.  However, overall I think I was just really disappointed that he just wanted to fuck around and we both don't feel the hots for each other.  So after a courteous conversation of one hour, I called the night and left. 

I just think it is probably not smart to know anyone worthwhile on a4a, i know right, what an easy concept. Anyways nothing too exciting on the love side.

---

Sunday afternoon, my VP treated me dinner for my upcoming bday and we had dinner at Cafe La Bohem in West Hollywood.  It was such a lovely place I highly recommended it.

Also Mr. 8 and I talked again and he wanted to fuck last week but at the time he asked me to go to his place I was still at work. I know how sad right.  So hopefully we can do it again soon he is so good... Sigh he is on the same boat with that guy I met tonight though. But at least he is hot, super endowed and good at sex so it is totally worth it. 

Contrast

How can people be so different and the good ones never fall between my legs.

I talked to this guy, 6'6" online and his height is definitely the main attraction. I actually didn't really want to reply him for unknown reason but I started talking to him anyway. He messaged me last Friday and we kinda emailed on and off for three days till we texted and aim a lot today. He kept flirting and asking questions and I answered truthfully and calmly. I wasn't cold but definitely not overly excited either. I just feel that if you try too hard, nothing good comes along.

Anyways, he suggested to meet soon which I don't object but not too fond of it either. He insisted on meeting soon, such as, TODAY, even went as far as renting a room when he is talking about building up a relationship. Weird right? W/E I just kept talking in a very neutral manner and wait to see what comes out of this. I told him I wasn't going to rent a room which would be too much effort for a first time meeting each other. He kept saying babe com'on. At this point I should have figured he is crazy. Alas, stupid me right.

So eventually I told him, I would text him after I am done with gym around 830pm and if my phone doens't run out of battery then, I will definitely try to meet up, if it does I will make it another time.

Finished gym around 815pm and texted him at 825pm said

"You wanna meet up?"

"sure"

1 minute passed and I was able to juggle my cellphone when I tried to drive out of the parking lot and typed,

"direction plz from Pasadena."

"ok then, good night.'

????????????

"what?"

"You took too long to reply, so I am going to bed."

!!!!! looked at the text again.

All I wanted to say is "please put bipolar on your profile next time, so at least I would have some idea of what I am getting myself into."

I stopped texting him.

5 more text message followed,

"You never wanted to hang out anyway."

"Now you are ignoring me, gr8."

"Ok go to Mission Dr."

"Why aren't you answering."

"You wasted my time."

Now he just CALLED ME.

Thank god that I am getting my iphone soon so this number would leave me. He is really scaring me now.

now one more text

"Dude, what is your issue."

so I said the following,

"you really don't see how crazy you are? I was just gonna laugh it off, but it is getting annoying. Its my fault so for god's sake please stop texting or calling, this would my absolute last text. Thank u."

He replied more but this should be the end of it.

----

On the other hand, I saw this guy, 6', buff, cute buzzed blond hair, sweet sweet smile and a USC grad in architecture. He is a total jock type and he is smart. He offered to spot me while I was benching, so sweet. He just makes me go awwwww inside. I just had this HUGE crush on him that I could barely take my eyes off him. We chatted more for about another 30 mins on and off between sets of workouts. I suggested that working out together and now I got his number. I know he is not gay and all and this is definitely not healthy for me since I would develop more feelings for him once we start working out together regularly. But oh man... I suck...

The Heat

These past two days have been hot. Yes, my wish has been granted. I hated the chilly weather for the first 3 days in this week and I was grumpy. I was mad at god or whatever that is controlling the weather. I whined and whined about the weather as if I was promised to have a good weather for my birth. But alas, I didn't ask for heat waves like this. It is just mid-April folks and it has reached a freaking 100 degrees here in LA already...

Anyways let me talk about my little weekend. It was eventful yet uneventful and overall a bit depressing at the end because of my weird logic.

Friday

Kee invited me to go to this Yacht party last week and I was pretty excited about it. I even planned to shop for some shirts to attend. Turns out I didn't get time to shop, also there was no Yacht and party was hosted at a steakhouse near the beach area. Too far of a drive and didn't sound all that fun. So I passed on the opportunity. I hung out with Kee quite a bit for the past 2 weeks and it got QUITE boring again. Kee is all around fun gal to hang out with, just not more than two weeks. There is nothing in her head except for sex, guys, shopping, and her boyfriend. She doesn't read news, doesn't care about current event, has no hobby, and just overall not an interesting person once you peel off her pretty facade. I on the other hand has been a little bitch too. I refused to drive to anywhere that she invited me to go so when she wasn't driving I just kinda ditch. So we did our own thing this week and it was feeling kinda good to not to see her and listen to her broken record stories about his bf B. 

So I thought about going to hookah and no one wanted to go. I felt exhausted toward the end of my work day and I thought, what the hell, I am going home first and take a nap and maybe later I would get a call to do something with someone.

Sleep-drove home, hit the sack, and passed out till 10pm. Woke up with a headache and deer in the head light demeanor I wandered downstairs and whined like a little boy for food. By the time I regained my consciousness, and fully fed as well, it was 11pm. No CALLS either. Just freaking fantastic. A bit depressed and annoyed, I logged online and started to talk to these two guys that I have been emailing back and forth. One was this Mexican waiter working in a very small restaurant in downtown area, low profile, career wise is anything but an aphrodisiac. But he talked in this cute fashion and I liked his responsiveness. The other was my prize money! He was this 23 year old guy from UCLA and total frat boy type. Tall (6'3"), built and lean (with picture and current weight 180lb). Did I mention I like big muscular and masculine guys? Yes I really do. So hot and our conversation went extremely well. I exchanged number with both and planned Saturday to meet the waiter and Sunday to meet the hunk.

Saturday

I went to Waiter's den. He was dog sitting for his friend who was in England at the time. Dog was cute, the waiter was ok. He was lean, not too dark, about 2-3 inches shorter than I was. But alas, I drove 20 mins to see this dude, I could compromise. Turned out he wasn't willing. We chatted here and there for like 1 hour and when I wanted to do something he said he was going to leave. Well I couldn't blame him for that because we planned to meet between 430 to 630 since he had a bday party to attend at 630. I got there pass 500, so when I wanted to do something it was already 600. Still I was kinda pissed. Considering in my mind I just compromised for the situation. But if he really wanted to, he would have done something already. He said don't worry we would probably meet again. I was thinking, yeah right, maybe in a mirror universe. Do you know how much the gas is in LA right now, 4 dollars a gallon plus the opportunity cost for 20 mins of driving! Also later I had a car scare... I almost got creamed by this giant bus. All this trouble, I would definitely not see him again. Deleted his number right away, went home, change and attended the ATTACK OF THE GAYS event.

I was invited by this older friend S, whom I met in my gym. He is one of the executive producer (logistic producer, not content) for one of the most popular TV Gossip Magazine Shows on one of the major networks. NOT TMZ, because that would be Harvey Levin, and that would be hot, he has these very cute minions running around in his studios.. ok off topic... Anyways, the event is called the Guerrilla Bars event, or the invasion of the gays. Gay guys would dress in a black shirt/tshirt and all go to one of the popular straight club/bars. The bar and club would not be notified in advance. Sounded pretty fun so I agreed to go. We first met up at his house for drinks. I walked in and I got a big surprise which definitely got me shy right away. There were already about 15-20 guys there. All were old enough to be my dad. I mean my friend S is in his mid 40s so technically he could have had me at 20 and it is totally legit. Naturally, all his friends were around his age. I felt a bit fish out of water not just because the age difference but also because I didn't know anyone! As I walked in, all heads turned and looked at me and I think i just died right there. Like a deer in the headlight again. These gays are all hmmm quality gays I would say? Middle class, well educated, focused, driven, and successful. But unfortunately, very seasoned. They lived through the 70s and 80s and I am just a gay deer newly out in the head light. 

After a brief talking with some of them, I got to know C, working for a giant health care company now. Used to work in the entertainment industry and in my company particularly on the corporate side before he left for health care. Also I talked to this guy R, who is currently working for one of the world largest international media/technology conglomerate. He is the head of the TV marketing. Funny part is that one of his current project's quarterly result would come to my company and fall in my lap and I would further process his work to produce the end-user product for the public. Small world ay?

The bar we went to was called Vive Lounge and it was a really nice place. What was absolutely hilarious was that there was a bridal dinner/party event. So we saw three giant tables of clueless straight people eating and drinking and ready to get their dance on soon at the dance floor. All of sudden, volla, 300 gays showed up dressed in black and start fucking voguing in their face. Finally my deer position was replaced by these poor souls. I didn't feel too bad because the bride... looked like the fucking bride of Chucky, as big as a sumo wrestler, started to poking her giant asses everywhere. It was a sight to behold. 

I was a bit disappointed. There were almost no guys in my age. Not like I would have hooked up with anyone, but I would like to have some fun and checking out hot guys. This time, I had to stay with my group because I am not into daddies. I didn't call them daddies just because I knew they were older, rather, some of them really looked like they were old enough to be my dad and beyond too and not in the hot way either. Ok I think I just sounded like someone who has something against old people. That is absolutely not true. I believe in aging gracefully and naturally. I think a guy who takes care of himself and ages with dignity is extremely sexy, especially the domesticated and family oriented type. In fact I wrote several entries regarding my big big crushes on older guys who already have some grey hair on their head. But when I go to a bar, I can't get blamed when I don't feel too excited to be surrounded by people are all just older. I really felt the disconnected when Like a Virgin was on. The older gays went nuts and voguing again. I found out that Like a Virgin came out one year after I was born sigh...

Ok I am sure there were some 30 year olds but I couldn't tell. 

I was determined to have a good time though. So I danced non-stop for 2 hours and had two drinks and felt dizzy. My friend S was nice enough to take me back to his place early. 

He said I could sleep there if I wanted to. At that moment, I knew what he wanted. He tried once  before... 

The first time I met S was through a french guy at the gym. S just broke up with his 4 year long boyfriend at that time and was ready to drink his sorrow away so we all went out to party. He at that time, also made the same offer to me that night and I politely refused. 

This time I was pretty dizzy from the drinks. Though I could definitely drive home, I felt bad for just leaving like this. 

For the record, I really don't find S attractive at all. He is too short and too chubby for my taste. Plus the age difference - I think he probably 45. He is however known to be genuine and sweet. His last boyfriend was this middle eastern guy who looked like he just walked out from a hardcore gay porn. He was oozing was sexual energy and his body was EXTREMELY sexy. His face was masculine and his gaze was deep and commanding. He had tattoos on his arm and he just looked so freaking hot. I definitely had a crush on this guy. But soon after he broke up with S, he stopped going to the gym in Pasadena and started to go to the one in Weho. 

Anyways, weighting in the pros and cons of staying and thinking I could say no anytime I want if he did something, there was really nothing bad if I stayed just a bit. 

But honestly, I really don't know what made me to make that decision. Here are the possibilities, 

1. Sympathy. He is mid-40. Broke up with someone who he probably thought would spend the rest of his life with. Working hard, and not dating. Lots of the gays who went to party tonight were couples and he wasn't with anyone. If I were him, is it really that much to ask for a young guy like me to just take a nap and cuddle? I really have nothing to lose and I am in control in this situation. A bit generosity would probably make the night perfect for him. 

2. Resonance. Similarly to possibility #1, I could imagine how he feels if I were him. I am afraid of being alone and I want a family very badly at age of 24 already. NO ONE wants to die alone. Being gay isn't our choice but how we live out our lives is really up to us. No one said that gays are bound to be childless and lonely. He is probably having or has already had those panic attacks many times throughout his life. Now on this bed, after a night of drinking in his mid-40s, having someone to sleep over and cuddle is probably just the thing he needed to feel positive even just for a little bit. 

3. Bitterness. I was bitter that stupid waiter didn't jump on me. Yes like I wrote before, when you get rejected you suddenly become interested. How pathetic. I was the one who quickly went through thoughts and judgements based on height, appearance, demeanor, education, career, train of thoughts, responsiveness, and personality in the first 5 mins we met AND MADE COMPROMISE thinking ok he was good enough to have some fun with and then got indirectly turned down. Now I am bitter. omg.... I need to get a grip.

4. Curiosity. I wanted to see how he would do it. Approach me, touch me, talk to me etc. How does he even begin to subtly seduce or ask shall we say for something sexual from someone who is not interested or too young or w/e....

So at the end I was in his bed. He cuddled me and we both actually fell asleep for about half hour. He then suddenly without saying much started to touch my crotch. Soon he was between my legs and blowing me. He was pretty good I have to say. He did everything oral, balls licking, rimming, flickering my thighs with his tongue. It was quite fun to be honest. It is true, once in the dark, everything is the same. Remember that scene from Sex and the City? where Samantha was fucking this 60 some guy for money and she said "he touched like a 40 year old, kissed like a 40 year old, felt like a 40 year old, but omg he has a 60 year old ass", she ran out after seeing that ass. Imagine if there weren't any ass sighting triggers she would have stayed with him longer. For me there was no scene on par with the ass-sighting. I could feel his chubby belly and chest. But overall, it was oral sex at its best. It was nothing but oral. Pure form of this sexual activity. I returned the favor for a little bit. I gave him head. His dick was actually pretty amazing. Long but not too long, thickness was just right and he was extremely hard. Also, he had these GIGANTIC balls. 

We didn't really have sex but after we both came we laid next to each other and talked for a while. About life and relationship what have you. I talked about those 4 potential possibility of why I stayed there in my own words and my own perspectives. He responded to them. I could tell he does want a family but given the background, I don't think he believes in gay family and he is in a way coping with this traumatizing realization as well.

Ok, maybe this is another prime example of me over analyzing. He probably fucked another 20 guys who are 18-22 in the past couple weeks or had crazy monkey sex with some middle eastern porn stars as far as I know. He probably is having a BALL and I am the one who thought he was all still kinda depressed by his situation. omfg, stupid me -_-.....

Before I left, he said oh you are a young charming sweet heart. Gay life can change people, don't change, just be the sweetheart you are. I know what he meant but I still dont know what to make of it... oh right before I left, I said I knew what you wanted the moment I walked in haha. He was jokingly said oh you bitch. But I wasn't sure if he was genuinely surprised or acted surprised...

On the way home, I texted UCLA hunk and asked him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. 

Sunday

Today is shopping day. My friend Dodo, her friend Kevin and I went to Melrose. We were completely petrified by the heat as if it was our first day visiting a place this hot. Kevin bought a French bulldog at that petstore on melrose. Don't remember the name but it was supposed to be a bit celebrity studded place. The dog was 3,000 dollars, cute as a button and expense as hell. 

Meanwhile, I got UCLA hunk's text saying that he forgot that he had his nephew's bday party and apologized twice for not hanging out. I found that cute. We didn't really confirm the sunday fool around schedule yet he took it a bit serious. I liked that and I hope I could see him soon and have uninhibited monkey sex lol~~~ Also, I got a text from S asking me if I got home ok last night. 

Anyways, back to the shopping. AS broke AS I am, I bought a G-star short sleeve button up shirt, white, with two big pockets around the chest area. I would never touch those shirts on my own but dodo told me to try it on. It actually looked quite good. The cut was perfect around my shoulder and the back was fit. It was quite a nice surprise considering the other 4 items I picked out were all flops. It was also quite surprising at the cashier. It was 129 dollars! omg............ Too much ego to say no and too vain to reject a cute shirt, I happily took out my AmEx card... After that I bought another Marc by Marc cheap grey T, this one says "hardcore" in this very very light print cross the chest area. I guess this one would be off limit at work. I already made that mistake once... I wore this grey FCUK tshirt at work and I failed to notice that there was this slogan printed in purple saying "Cool as FCUK". I mean it was already bad enough and then it was interpreted by another coworker as a parody of Queer as Folks. JEEBUS PEOPLE...

Now I am home feeling like I had a heat stroke.... I want another medium sized Pink Berry like the one I had 3 hours ago.... Arrgggg So freaking hot. I think we would just all melt in August... weeee..

Inappropriate employee, flaked, shallow, politics

Today truly sucked.

I am going to write four events. Event one is work experience, event two is a date that'd gone flake, event three is a rant regarding someone shallow, event four a political issue. Please be advised that if you don't want to get political, please do not read event FOUR.

Event 1,

Ok our company is passing out Berlin Walls. Yes you heard it right. Despite the fact that, Germany decided to stop disintegrate their historic walls, we still keep getting them. I just really didn't care for the wall piece, but one of our temporary worker wanted it, and she is pretty cool so we went there to get her a piece.

The assistant who was responsible for handing out the wall pieces was a major bitch. She sat there giving us this indifferent look. I tried to ease the uncomfortable moment and talked to her. This is what came out of this bitch's mouth,

"hm, can you guys give me a call first next time you come back? You know so I can get prepared, and get organized."

So I said,

"ah.. ok. well what can we do, we all just love historic walls. hehe"

"hm? what do you mean, you like walls?"

My mouth was just hanging open and I got really pissed.

"hehe, (fake laugh), I dont understand, you like walls, like the walls there." Looking at the wall behind me. fucking retard...

My coworker chimed in, "he meant the berlin wall."

"oh." rolling her eyes.

I turned my back on her, and she kept talking to me, and I proceeded talking to my coworker and left her hanging. I left the rooming without picking up the stupid wall.

Awkward? Yes, but Her tone was extremely annoying and her attitude was definitely offensive. It was as if we were those kind of people who would love to get anything for free.

The outrageous thing is that,

1. We will never come back, each employee is qualified for one piece of fucking walls and I didn't even want this piece of fucking wall.

2. WHO THE FUCK do you think you are. You are an assistant and your job description is to assist whatever your boss needs help for, and handing out the wall is one of the CORPORATE initiative. IF you can't lift your precious fingers to just hand out some boxed wall pieces, you should not have applied for your job. If you had any decent education, you would have had a real job now wouldn't you?

3. Organize WHAT? You desk was as clean as new, and all you had to do was to open a Word document, write down our employee ID and then hand out the fucking wall that is in the box NEXT to your desk.

I just hate people who have attitude for nothing. I personally don't deal with attitude well at all. Place yourself in the right position. If you think this job is so below you then get the fuck out. If you think you are better than this, go find a better job. If you take it, then don't be a anal annoyance to other people. What is worse is that we all tried to make her cheer up and all that came back were these retarded responses.

Event 2.

I have been talking to this guy from UCLA, 22-23, looks kinda cute and we had great conversations last week. So on the weekend I asked him out to have dinner and chill in Westwood. Plans were set and I was really looking forward to this. I talked to him in the afternoon around 3 pm and confirmed the event. He said he was going to take a nap but told me to call him before I leave so that he would know when I was leaving etc. Sounded all very genuine and interested.

630pm rolled by and I was ready to leave. Rested a bit in my car since he suggested I should leave a bit later to avoid traffic. Called him @ 645 the first time. Rang 6 times to voicemail. Called the second time once I reached my car around 650pm. Still voicemail. I needed gas, so I went to the gas station next to work. Meanwhile texted him telling him that I was leaving now and if he got my message let me know. Got to the gas station filled up and called one more time telling him that the drive is quite long (20 miles subject to some traffic and returning route for me would be around 30 miles), so I don't want to drive out there in case he had something come up. So I told him in the voicemail that I would wait for his call till 715 then I would be heading home. 720pm rolled by. I drove home.

830pm he texted me saying that his phone was on silence and he just woke up. Are you fucking kidding me or do I look or sound like a retard/doormat? He can't put an alarm on and took a nap that lasted almost 6 hours in the afternoon? It is just ridiculous nowadays. I mean I remembered when I grew up, as kids when I didn't understand much, I would at least inform others or do something to prevent missing an appointment. THIS WAS A DATE. I guess the chemistry wasn't as strong as I thought it was and if I were just whatevers and worth less than a small effort to set an alarm on a cellphone then so be it.

Event 3

There was this cute guy who messaged me online to talk to me. I actually really liked his looks. But after talking for a while I realized that his english could be improved a little but I didn't mind. After talking to each other a couple times, we just stopped talking, w/e, it was mutual. One day I was wondering if he was still interested, so I messaged him. He sounded interested because he started to talk about what happened in his life and what he liked etc. Then I was like so do you still wanna hang out sometimes. He was like sure, can I have more pictures? That was back then before I bought my Mac Book Pro (you see how I typed out the full name, yes I love it that much), and I do not take pictures on my own since my camera has been seized by my parents for business use. All I had was some facebook pictures usually taken from party events. A couple pictures that I had that was close shots were like 1 -2 years old. So I gave him some. He kept complaining that ah it wasn't clear enough and how I didn't want to give him my pictures etc. I told him I could provide some later when I get my computer. From there his attitude was cold and rude, so I ditched him right away.

Fast forward 1 month, I got my Mac and I posted some newly taken picture online. He then couldn't leave me alone. He emailed me three times on three occasions and tried to be cute and nice. I lost all my interests so all I told him was that we have talked before and there was no chemistry, thanks for messaging and bye bye. He just kept emailing. Today he did it again. Bitch chose the wrong time to be fake cute. So I said,

"I already told you many times, we talked and I am not interested at all, so could just freaking go away. Thank you."

Surprisingly, he emailed back saying, "oh sorry if I did something wrong, just wanted to say hi."

This could have been really sweet if I didn't already know how he was, now he just sounded desperate, shallow, and pathetic. So I said, "you didn't do anything wrong, you just pulled a typical gay stereotype, you were shallow and superficial." Then I blocked him.

I am just so surprised nowadays. Whenever I see someone who talks to me, I would at least try to look beyond the physical stuff and talk a bit. When you are nice and polite, they usually pull the I am more fabulous card on me. When you gain some attitude, they suddenly become so apologetic. How dysfunctional.

This is just in. Got Rejected in the Club by a potential one night stand This guy messaged me and said hi. I just replied something nice and he said oh hey baby it is me, sex btm, sorry I didn't get to fuck you last time, maybe we can hookup soon. Want to see my cock? Realizing who he is. I said oh hi, sorry about last time, I had a misunderstanding (which is true one of the gays told me he wanted to hook up), thanks for the advanced warning, but no thanks I will pass. God so arrogantly conceited. Freaking... But I felt good saying that because now he knows how I felt!! This is his picture. 

Event 4

CNN kept reporting how the Olympic rally has been disrupted and this definitely pisses me off. I am raised in China and got my teen --> adult education in America. I have exposure to both culture and both ideologies. With my own education and understanding, I think Tibet is no one else's business. It is a sovereignty issue that is between China and Tibet.

Tibet empire has been controlled and conquered by China hundreds of years ago and based on the Chinese empirical ruling policy, we do not interfere the nomads that roam on the remote Tibetan area. Instead they would act as a state just like any state in U.S.A. and contribute tax and donations each year to the Chinese empire that rule the inland. We did respect their spiritual leader and this agreement has always been in place. They were not allowed to invade any territory with in the Chinese border and the Chinese empire would in turn protect them from other tribes who didn't enter this treaty with Chinese empire, or foreign invaders.

This continued to modern China where the current Chinese government allowed the spiritual leader's spiritual guidance as long as they do not disrupt peace and Chinese sovereignty. Other than that, they are free people. But too bad they weren't up for the peace and as a nation, we will not tolerate treason and riot.

I am sorry if that sounded so Communism. But that has nothing to do with Communist. Just remember how we Americans, got California, Hawaii, Alaska, what happened to the Indians, Blacks and other minority who struggled for decades for equality. Should Mexico government ask for California back, people would just laugh at this idea.

Just most recently, the Absolute Vodka campaign which suggested that in an Absolute world of Mexico's heritage, half of America would be still owned by Mexico. OH dear lord no, this ad generated so much protest that the vodka's parent company had to pull the ad immediately.

Just imagine a Hawaiian royal requires Hawaii's independence and supersession from U.S.A., demanding their own constitution and sovereignty, and during this process, disrupt all local peace, start rioting, protesting with violence, you think American Federal Government would just watch? Arrest will be made and people would be killed. Is that human rights issue? Fuck no.

For people who do not understand Chinese history can simply blindly accuse China for human rights violation and think Tibet should be independent as it wishes. It is simply not like that. I am sorry that 1.x billion Chinese in China right now do not only believe that Tibet is, has always been, and will always be part of China, just like Taiwan, but also STRONGLY support the government's action. Myself included. I am sorry that they don't like that but that is how it is going to be. China will become the next super power and share the power struggle with America and Russia in the world. It is a fact. Its leaders are now all foreign educated who are firm believers of CAPITALISM and yet wielded with the convenience of Communism political tools. The nation is maturing and with improvement on all aspects of the society, its people are only enjoying their better lives. With these, some petty protests are not going to change the mind of the vast majority of the nation. The government and its people as one have similar believes and opinions and with that Tibet will never win. It is just a fact.

It is incredible that with all these western influences and these protests and criticism, my generation of Chinese, the early twentysomes have never been more pro China in history. Maybe that is a message.

I remembered that in the 40s, Mao said that he will lead China to save the world because the world is suffering from the evil capitalists. Ironically, the Chinese couldn't even meet the basic survival needs. No food, no healthcare, and no social stability. The only thing that were plenty were political movements, which were chaotic, violent, and cruel. Yet Mao wanted to save the world.

60 years later. Chinese are busting into Forbe 500 and has one of the HIGHEST living standard in the world, yet the western world is still willing to save China despite the fact that our OWN  economy here is in a DEEP hole. We are in a war we will never win; race is still the elephant in the room, and gays are treated like 3rd class citizens behind the racial minorities, etc... i am not sure who we should save first. Other people or ourselves? GET A GRIP , reality check people.

Another weekend that started high ended kinda low

Friday was exhausting. We had a quarterly outing hosted by our department. It was full of the corporate event's gimmicks, you know, the little games, the pathetic prizes, and the "socializing". I had fun though I had to say. I played a couple rounds of pool and won the dart competition. I was teamed up with this old tall Brazilian manager. He was a surfer when he was younger, so I bet he was pretty hot when he was in his 20s. Now, he is just a standard grandpa or papa. 

The reason I was so tired wasn't because of this. I got kinda sick on Tuesday and ever since then, the symptoms have been lingering. So I guess my body was trying to constantly fending off the virus or bacteria or whatever, it really took more energy everyday. I didn't stop working out or start sleeping earlier. So by Friday I am really god damn tired. On the way home @ 4pm bathing under the warm LA sun, I was falling asleep. My head went side ways and I constantly struggled to clarify what was on the road and what was out of my dream. It was a strange moment. Suddenly, my cellphone rang and Kee "cousin" called, and I think she saved my life. 

"hey, remember Ad?"

"hmm the rich guy who likes you? from laguna beach?"

"yeah! he asked me out tonight, not a date just hanging out with his friends, I told him that my cousin is coming, so you'd better come ok! It is a upscale sushi restaurant/lounge, So i guess there is dancing later too. The dinner is @ 8:30ish"

"ok, I will. I am bored out of my ass I need to go out."

So I went home and ready to take a quick nap so I get some energy for some party.

So, cut through the random and useless stuff, Kee and I left her house around 9. Took us 1 hour on the freeway to get to laguna beach. Right off the bat, I see this sizzling hot guy leaning down kissing this chick. I was like omg I am on. Ok not kissing the chick part, but I would definitely blow that guy.

The restaurant is indeed pretty nice. The waiter/waitress are all hot, like the ones you would see in West Hollywood, like in Ketchup. The crowd was extremely attractive as well. As I stood there waiting, the nearby tables looked up and watching our 10 people party trying to squeeze in this 6 people table. The chick next to me looked up and smiled at me. Yes I had to say I looked pretty good Friday night. My outfit wasn't even expensive! I wore a Club Monaco V-neck T, with G-star jeans, pair of olive colored converse, and topped with a Zara's jacket. 

Once we sat down, I looked around the table. Two young pairs, and two older guys, one single blond, me and my cousin and Ad. Ad is this chubby guy who didn't really look all that cute either. However, he was charismatic, kind, and very fun. I am telling you, inner beauty matters people! The old guy sitting next to me was from Germany, doing medical equipment business. He travels to LA 4-5 times a year for business. Apparently, he hangs out with Ad every time he is here. I think Ad is like his dad's PR person. Ad's dad does laser eye surgical equipment business so Ad would take this old guy old every time he is in town as a good token. Maybe... just my guess. 

We started doing Sake bombing. Ok I wasn't planning to drink at all but I ended up taking.

3 Sake bombs (mind you it was a good half cups of beer too!)

1 Sake shot

2 cups of beer (maybe half of a beer)

2 Jagger shots

the Jagger shots was big and they totally did it for me. By the end of the dinner, I was in a really happy place. 

Oh the sushi was phenomenal!! It was definitely one of the best I have ever had. The one item that REALLY impressed me was something quite common, it was Salmon sashimi. The salmon was flawless and the texture was tight and smooth. When you start chewing, the fish seems to just melt in your mouth instead of being disintegrated by your teeth. All the sushi was much more authentic as well. How you can tell? you can't pick up one with your chopsticks unless you are really careful. Because sushi wasn't supposed to be tight like a cinderblock. The structure should be really soft and loose so you really should eat with your hands. That was what I ended up doing. We order a lot of fatty tuna, salmon, and urchins. omg it was such a good experience. 

For those of you want to have a good time eating sushi. please check this place. It is called Mosun Sushi in laguna beach on S. Coast Hwy. The number is 680. You know how I remember? because we tried a full 30 mins in a stupid gas station trying to figure out the recognizable address for Kee's stupid navigation. This process involved calling 3 people checking this place online. 

Once dinner was finished, we went to the lounge upstairs. We were given a vip pass so we just went up directly. It was actually a fantastic club!!!! Also one of the best I went to. The lighting was just perfect and the DJ was kinda well known. DJ Reflex was in da house. I was totally in Rihanna's don't stop the music mode. I just wanted to move my body and shake the stress away. With the help of alcohol and the crew now was somewhat familiar, I was totally rocking it. Yes it was a straight club, so I couldn't really jump to a guy and feel him up. Nor did I have to worry about who is looking who is not. I didn't have to impress or approach anyone. So I just really had a good time. Dancing with the group. The blond was a great dancer, and definitely very whorish on the dance floor. I love whores on the dance floor because they are the most fun people to dance with. I was dancing with everyone, including the guys since the chicks were in between. The music was also very well mixed. I think most of the time, whether a club is good or not really depends on the music. I mean the drinks can only vary so much, you get weak and strong, basically how the bartender mix the proportion determines a good or bad drink. The club design could matter but most of the time it is just that, a design, a decoration. When it is dark, steamy and people are drunk, your design could mean nothing. The lighting is definitely important because when you party basically the visual and audio stimulation is everything. Of course the body contacts as well. So this party pretty much covered it all.

Soon enough, I was grinding and going down with 4 chicks including some two other random chicks in the middle of the dance floor. We def grabbed a bit attention from the crowd. Ad asked my "cousin". Are you sure he is gay, he doesn't look too gay to me right now. I have to say all the girls could dance pretty well except for this one. Her name was Marie. Also a blond. But she couldn't DANCE if her life depended on it. All she did was sticking her arms in the air in such a clumsy way that it looked like she had a stroke and the arms were permanently sticking out. She had this big smily face on the whole time, plus her WHOLE body moves in one direction and one motion at a time, plus those giant lobster arms sticking up the air, she just looked like she was having a seizure in the middle of the dance floor. Plain and simple.  I didn't care, I would still rock out with her and she seemed to have a good time. That was all it mattered! But yeah, she just couldn't dance! Kee pointed out that that was why her boyfriend was nowhere near her now. I was L-O-Ling~~~ lol...

Oh one quick thing, I slipped in the middle of the dinner. I got a bit tipsy, so I was like Kee give me a kiss. and Ad looked at us in awe. So we both had to eat a shit load of shit trying to back track. It was pretty bad...

Anyways, I was buzzing crazy and got home around 230.

Woke up at 800 feeling like a zombie, headed to my god forsaken in person traffic school. It was a fucking dread 8 hours ordeal and I came out of that place at 530pm feeling numb. I was exhausted, my eyes were hurting. I spent the evening watching TV and blowing nose. Yes I got sick again. 

sigh....

Is gossip gay nature or human nature

One unrelated news...

I listen to cnn.com live news everyday and I am in love with the two anchors, Nicole Lapin and Reggie Aqui. They are both young and pretty and I choose to believe that Reggie is gay.  Anyways, I was listening to McCain's speech regarding foreign policy and wrote a comment regarding his speech on the "your voice" box right below the streaming video player. About 30 mins. later, Nicole was covering the speech and read three comments from the viewers and the third one was MINE. It was so awesome. 

"and David wrote......... thank you for your comments and please submit your thoughts and comments in our sound off section. You can get the latest news on TV, on your computer or your cellphone, thank you for watching." 

Awww how sweet. I know I know. It is not like I wrote an article and got published. And my four sentence comment has been edited down to two. But still kinda like a little treat of the day.

Now to the post....

I was about to blog this experience anyway, but didn't expect the little unpleasant twist at the end. Let's get the good stuff first. 

Well there were five gays who went out partying last Thursday and Friday. It was really fun, no hookups, but at least eventful. Tigerheat was sweaty, full of hot boys, and I got to dance with some interesting people. 

There was this one guy,

my height, skinny, white and had wavy long hair. He had a very structured face and narrow face span. His long curly hair styled to fall sideways to cover part of his eyes. It was a sexy look. He was sweaty and yet smelled good. I saw him and he saw me. We started dancing together. Slowly we got closer, hands roamed. He had a hard body. Not worked out type. I think the reason he felt hard and fit is solely because he has low body fat %. We squeezed each other, felt each other, and breathed into each other. About 30 mins later. I leaned in to give him a kiss. He kissed but no tongue. We danced two more songs and I realized he had a female friend nearby. Good dance, kiss with no tongue. It was time to finish it. We gave each other a hug I said "you are cute". 

"you are really cute too."

I moved back and forth, in and out of my 5 gays group. Danced the night away. I was exhausted. 

--

Second night, we went to the Abbeys then Eleven cross the street. I met one of the bloggers' friend at the bar. He had this cute brazilian female friend.  Yes, she wasn't as skinny as a super model. But she was curvy and sexy. Most importantly, bitch knows how to have a good time. We kinda hit off instantly. If she didn't have this annoying 5'5" coworker jumping around it would have been even better. We danced, we talked and we laughed throughout the night. Her face was marble white with a healthy pinkish glow. Makeup was done just right. Her two big eyes were definitely inviting. Naturally all the hot gays would stop and talk to her. I got her number and we sure will go out together again in West Hollywood pretty soon. When we danced all of our energy away we parted ways and we gays went to have pizza. 

That was it.

Now the bad stuff. 

Today however, I just heard that, apparently that night, I "was making out with a fat chick the whole night."

Not only it wasn't true but how offensive that sounded. I didn't know any of the gays well at all before Thursday. Met one twice, two once, and two for the very first time. I had high regard for one of them just because he had so much accomplishment in the field that I am interested in. Not necessarily that I wanted to go that path but I know how hard it is to make it at that young age and how smart he is. That was the background of this group. Basically five strangers, occasional online chat buddies...  

Gossip, the guilty pleasure of life. But I guess there are two kinds. One is to spread information without one's consent, the other is to spread false information without consent. I think most people would do or at least have done the first type. How many of you have done the second? I personally haven't done so because that doesn't seem to fit in my philosophy. MAYBE because I haven't met someone I just really don't like THAT much or I am not old enough to be indifferent about people and things. I am very compassionate and considerate one's feelings regardless how much I dislike that person. There is a history behind this odd behavior and I think I may blog about it soon... 

Anyways, this little gossip piece is not gonna make a dent on my evening or on me in any way. However, it is like being pooped on by bird. It is still an unpleasant event that is only kinda funny when it doesn't really happen to you.

A kinda dysfunctional friendship

One----

Sitting on her bed surfing through various websites. In the background, Charter TV has been vomiting trashy contents at me since I turned it on. I guess I can appreciate good shows but overall I think TV is such waste of time...

"come on bring me to dinner tonight. I haven't hung out with you for the whole week."

"ah... it is the gay night. I got gay bloggers coming from out of town, they don't even know you. I don't even know them! It could be very weird."

"so? then it is perfect, all strangers, if they are down, we can have a good time no matter what."

"I guess it is true."

"ok I am going then."

She turned around going through her dresses.

I took out my cellphone and texting the guest gays regarding this intrusion.

She took off her bra. I have seen her kinda naked but not actually this naked. This is first pair of female boobs I have seen that don't belong to
1. stripper
2. wasted college chick

She stood there with her giant boobs and big nipples all bare and looking back.

"what, don't tell me you haven't seen boobs before. I know you are gay but you should have at least SEEN these."

"hmmm I have, and touched too but from a stripper."
"why do straight guys like those? they are just two giant fat mellon hanging. They actually kinda look scary. They could cause injuries, like black eyes or suffocation I think."

"shut up just because you don't like it doesn't mean they are bad."

"so B (her bf) loves them."

"oh yeah you should listen to him moan."

"like a nice bottom boy."

"exactly."

"hot."

I waved. She walked over. I squeezed.

"firm very nice. "

"of course."
"should I wear this dress."

"no too flowy, don't wear it at night."
"wear that blue one, and I want super high heels on you. ok I think u look good now."


Sidenote, she refers me as Cousin in front of everyone who doesn't know me.
---

Two---

After dinner we realized that we had to stop by a straight club for her friend's bday. I started moaning saying that I really wouldn't want to go. She said she would waste her dress's appearance if she doesn't. So the straight club it is.

"who is the bday guy anyway? did he go to USC too?"

"yeah! BR, you don't know him? I think you should, he works at Big Four right now."

"what is his last name?"

"xxx"

"omg I do know him and no one liked him! Coz he was an ex marine and anal about everything!"

"oh fuck that is just great. "

"so he knows I am coming?"

"yeah! I told him that you are my cousin already"

"hmmm make sure we don't start grinding in the club then. I so do not want to grind my cousin in front of him."

"god i hate this."

A not meant to be story

This guy, let's call him Rod. It is his real nick name. He preferred me to call him Rod. He is black. The first black guy I have actually talked to and interested in. NOT IN A RACIST WAY for you over sensitive mofos out there. I am a proud member of the minority within the minority. Anyways... I just never got a chance. I don't know, from an Asian's perspective, black guys are pretty thuggy. They can dance really well.. A bit too well and they, a lot of times, look like they can break me in bed. Ok ok enough with the stereotypes right? I would consider it stereotype if I never experience it before. However, it is my own observation through my own experience, I think I do deserve that right.

We talked online and called each other almost immediately. He sounded very cute and our conversation went on and on as if we knew each other for years. He liked my humor and I liked how he played along. We met the next day.

He lives in this nice area in Korean Town. Yeah I know, shocking, you would think there is no nice areas in the downtown area in general. I mean the area surrounding my old apt in downtown (Orsini) was pretty swanky but let's just say that you would not want to walk around there at night. However, that small area he lived in was really impressive. It was very clean, green, and quiet, definitely a huge contrast to the adjacent streets. The city seemed to have a major episode of vomiting with loads of Korean restaurants and laundromats. It felt commercial, dirty, crowded, and very used up. Yet, in the midst of all this, there was this small virgin island hiding within. Tall palm trees somehow rendered that small street a sense of importance. I felt like I had a grand entrance when I approached his apartment. It was a sunny day, and I was in a good mood. I wasn't really nervous at all for some reason.

I went into this vintage apartment. Apparently, the patrons are consisted of gays and old jewish ladies only. He wasn't downstairs to greet me since he was still in the shower. So I called him twice and got a bit impatient. To my surprise he ran down stairs in his towels. And oh my.... giant chests with 8 packs. It was a major fantasy came into life moment with all the sparkles and imaginary doves flying around. I mean I have NEVER touched a 8 packs before and I thought I would never touch one this soon. There he was, a complete model body, big smile and very white teeth. I have to say that his teeth were fresh and tasted great. He had short hair which impressed me. I don't know I never liked guys with long hair. So we went upstairs to his room asap. He was kinda embarrassed how he presented himself. But I wasn't complaining at all. I wish the whole building knew that he was half naked in a towel with me. Yes, I am about to do this fucking hot black thug. Only if I had a bullhorn.

His room was very clean and simple yet stylish decoration magically brought a sense of warmth to this otherwise old and hollow room. His mac book was playing all kinds of music and he was scrambling about. He tried to finish his shower and getting dressed so we could go to lunch. I was laying on his bed and listening to him making all kinds noises in his bathroom. Eventually he came out and applied some sort of butter on his body so it was all smooth and shiny. Not the cheesy Barbara Walter's lens kinda shine. His skin was like living marble... I think that is the best way I can describe it.

We went to this chicken place. Stuff wasn't that impressive and I think calling it a chicken place would sum up my feeling toward it just fine. Then we went to have tea in this very nice tea house. Some cute Korean boys were serving us. The setting was very classic. All tables had classic wrought iron designs. I don't know... but I think I finally realized that I was on an actual date till that point. I mean this would be my first real date and you got all the necessary elements in it! The sexual tension, the sweet talk, and the brief soul glancing. It was all very romantic and sweet, and of course GAY. I mean seriously I think we made kinda obvious that we were dating openly at that point. It was also kinda tragic. I am 24 years old, have blown guys in my gym shower, and yet that day was the first time I had my first real date... sigh..

So we finished all this fancy dating stuff and went back to his apartment. I tried to be civil. I really tried to be calm. But I mean wtf right. I don't remember how and when exactly it happened. I just jumped on top of him and started to make out. He had very strong lips and grips and the tighter he squeezed me, the more pleasure I was getting out of that moment. So of course moaning ensued and I stripped him naked. Now, this 8 packs were all mine and they were onlly inches away from me.

TO MY DISMAY.... somehow I just realized at that moment that model bodies are fantastic to look at but hollow at touch. I mean he had almost no fat on this torso so it was just pure skin and ripped muscles. Yet I for some reason expect them to be more bulky at touch. I was imaging that these muscles would have lives of their own and my hands surely wouldn't be able to contain them. Yet those muscles, all that insane definition kinda just stopped there, under my hands like a painting. They didn't feel as big as I imagined and it was really hard to play with. There was NOTHING to get a grip on. I squeezed, and my hands would just slip off. I couldn't pick up any of those packs. I guess I must have been crazy before. I mean how could you expect to pick up one of the 8 pieces of muscles on his stomach. But seriously, before I touched, they looked so big and so lively, you might have just believed that you could pick them up and exam its definition closely.

Anyways, making out turned into blow jobs. It was a sure hit on my self confidence. He was a thick 7 inch and I could barely even just eat the whole thing... not mentioning a quality blow job. Yes, I think I was over powered by a dick and I was in a wtf moment for a while... You know, I thought I was kinda good at it, and only to realize that I was no where near being good at it in front of him. He said he wouldn't fuck unless we are in a relationship. I was like sweety that is perfectly fine with me, I mean I really wasn't sure if I wanted that thing in me. It only spelled pain for me at that time. So we messed around. He was biting my nipples (I think I just realized I have big nipples. Some gays love them apparently. The blogger from London Preppy even used a clamp to make his bigger... But I HATE THEM, they kinda poke too much at my T-shirts) squeezing my body, and when he finished with that phase, he applied a shit load of lubes on my stomach and started to rub his rod against my body. That was how he got off eventually. He shaved his body which supposed to be a good news. But unfortunately for me, some of the hair just started to grow back. They weren't visible, but I sure could feel them when they moved like razors on my pelvis. It was hot though, somewhat painful because he constantly squeezed me, but overall was very hot. Eventually he shot all over my body and I started to jack off. He kinda backed out a bit to avoid cum on his face I guess. But the sexual tension was so strong and the moment was so hot, my cum went up at least a foot and shot straight to his face between his eyes and nose. We both froze and started to laugh hysterically for probably 5 mins.

After that, I suddenly felt that my interest in him started to escape like water pushing through failed levee. He kept saying that he really liked me. I liked him too, really. He was a cool guy with good sense of style. He laughs a lot and he sings and dances. He is involved in many broadway shows and is still trying to record an album etc... He is a load of fun and I know he would be a great fucker. I mean, his dick didn't go down even a bit after he came. IT WAS AS HARD AS HE STARTED. I didn't know it was biologically possible.... I actually asked him if that thing ever takes a break and goes down. He said if he wanted to, he could keep it up quite a long time...

When we cleaned up, we started to talk more about career, relationships and family etc... He showed me a lot of pictures of his friends. Man may I just say they were all pretty gorgeous. One of his black friends looks like a soap star and another Asian friend of his is already a model. I don't know... I never see myself actually having a relationship with someone like this. I always thought my future husband would be an i-banker...

I was ready to go.

He said,

"let's have dinner."
"ah I think I really should go."
"I see... Well You got what you wanted now you are ready to leave."
"it is not like that, I actually really like you."
"haha no you don't. You play it well."

I felt kinda stupid at that moment. I guess it was kinda obvious that I wasn't going to have a relationship with him and that was what he was looking for.

"ok let's go have dinner since I really do enjoy spending time with you even though you really don't believe me at this moment."

So we went to Fat Fish for dinner. At this point, conversation became more of a MOOOO point. Nothing significant or substantial going on and we were just killing time. Still chill and good conversation though....On the way back, he said,

"Sleep over tonight. Just tonight."

"I really can't I really have to go, got family stuff going tonight.... I will call you tomorrow."

"Ahhaha, no David, you will never call me."

"why are you saying that, I will call you."

"stay over no?"

"I really can't"

"alright, I really had a good time and I really like you. Anyways, good bye david."

It sounded so sad... I really wished there was more. I don't know. I just didn't see a future. We would be great together for a couple months. What happens after that? My theory is that if it is not gonna last why bother. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I know... the way I think about relationship is probably messed up. But I just feel i can't really trust anyone or anything when it comes to this...

I went home and texted him right away. We said our good nights.

He went back to Florida for Christmas and I texted him again on the eve.

That was it. No more contact from Rod.

I kinda miss him. I do wonder sometimes, what if I wasn't such a douche, maybe I have a boyfriend right now. Did I mention he is also a yoga instructor!

I still wonder today. I still have his number... maybe I should call him.

oh yeah... he deleted his account the 3rd day after we dated. I texted him and asked why. He said he hated that website. It is not real and he wants something real.

I am real and I just really wish I could see something between us. I just can't see it no matter how hard I tried. I guess chemistry and sex aren't everything even when I am young. But what really gives? Talking about having a baby and a family already sound insane to me. So what is the intermediate step there? I dont really know...

I think I should call Rod sometimes. He said he would go to Atlanta for a show for 2 months. Is he back to LA yet? He probably has a cute boyfriend by now already.

Conversation at the gym

it is between me and my trainer. trainer = T me=me.

Scene 1, first 5 mins at the gym warming up before my routine with my trainer.

me, "i noticed that you guys started to hire a lot of gay receptionist, what is up with that."

T, "I know."

me, "like the new guy he is pretty cute and gay for sure."
me, "now you got two gay front desk people with the ladies, gay it up."

T, "yeah but one of them doesn't know he is gay."

me, "what do you mean. you mean the new one doesn't know?"

T, "no, the tall one."

me, "you kidding?"

T, "man I dont know, he is either not comfortable or just really is clueless."

me, "but he is sooo gay."

Lady next to us doing cardio, "wow, really. just like on the weekend, there was this super fem guy talking about how much he loved my nails and wanted to dance with me."

me, "aww I hope he realizes it soon, that is horrible."

T, "yeah I know. like he still tells me which girl is so hot and stuff, i am like you've got to be kidding me."

me, "aww such a clueless sweety..."

---

scene two

on the bench doing bench press.

T, "so peter knows that you gay now too."

me, "wait who?"

T, "your first trainer, the one you fired."

me, "oh, he didn't already know? who told him now then."

T, 'ah... I kinda did. I just mentioned it, and he was like now it makes sense."

me, "wait what? what does he mean by that?"

T, "I don't know..."

(by all means, if I don't want to show, no one would know).

me, "hmmmm..."

T, "what?"

me, "that kinda bugs me, should I confront him about that?"

T shrugs.

---

Scene three,

10 mins later, at another bench doing shoulders.

I saw that asshole trainer Peter training someone.

So I said hi, and then interrupted their routine.

me, "so what do you mean by 'that makes so much sense now.' "

Peter, "huh?" (his client looked on)

me, "T just told you that I was gay, and you said 'that makes so much sense now, what the hell do you mean by that?'"

....

Peter, "nothing, you know, nothing."

I laugh, "uh huh..." (his client looked on)

T blushed, Peter looked awkward, client was confused. Harrassment accomplished.

---

Scene 4

10 mins later doing biceps.

me, "it still bugs me."

T, "what does."

me, "he made that comment, that is kinda insulting and annoying."

T, "oh"

putting the weights down, my expression changed a little, with a smirk on my face

me, "I think I should sue him so that he would be fire for discrimination, I am sure the gym will drop him in a heart beat. Yeah, I think I should, since I have the rights and discretion and all."

T looked a bit concerned and confused if I was joking or not,

"wow, I guess we know not to piss you off."

me, "come on, this town is run by gays, especially this gym, as you know full well. It is LA, pissing off gays would be a bad idea I think."

Then I laughed, so he knew I was joking, sorta

---

Scene 5

T, "what do you mean this is too heavy, we did it before how come you think it si too heavy now."

me, "it is 100 lb bar! I couldn't do deadlift on it, but I think I can do it now. It is a bit too heavy to maintain my form."

T, "let me see how you do it."

demonstrated.

T, "remember to push your ass back out, you know like this, like way extended, like this."

me, "like ready to get fucked?"

T, "precisely."

me, "alright, now i get it."

---

Scene 6

In the meeting room.

T, "take off your shirt let me evaluate your body."

took the shirt off.

T, "omg, wow. just kidding."

Fingers waving.

T, "I think you made great progress, like the arm, shoulders etc, you should be happy about all the good results, just try to do more cardio from now on. Good job, but you are still kinda fat."

me, "thanks T, I like you too."

the end

LA has tunred into a frozen hell

By LA standard of course. It is freezing 40 degrees. I think I am not speaking just for myself when I say we are all broken due to the sub zero temperature. ok maybe a bit exaggerated. But you get the idea how I feel right now.

It is 1:00am and I have to wake up in 4 hours to go to Big Bear Mountain for snowboard. It should be fun you know. Supposedly we got about 1 foot snow, powder. Plus there is a blizzard moving in tommorrow, so we will be all buried under snow while we snowboard. yeay~~~ fun.... >_<...

I actually start to enjoy snowboarding. I don't know what it is this season, somehow I just got better at it. I still have trouble on my toe position and switching positions usually results in a dramatic tumbling fall. But if I really just want to enjoy the ride I could heel down the entire trip fairly fast. So there is always this option to just go down and pretend I am kinda good. But I am making progress. As long as I am improving I am happy. It is for fun anyway. I am not competing in Olympics anytime soon. That being said, I do not understand why my friend thinks that 6:00am departure time is absolutely necessary. I think 4-5 hours of boarding is fun, but 8 hours sound a bit like a training session. Besides, if a blizzard really moves in on us while we are on the mountain, I would be actually kinda pissed. It'd hard enough to learn with a clear weather, you know, when you are kinda warm and able to SEE stuff in front of you. (side note, I crashed into him, I think I almost chopped his chin off last time). I just can't imagine how miserable it'd be when I stand there for 10 mins to get a on a lift which takes another 10 mins to get to the top. While I am in air, the wind chill will probably just freeze me. But I DO KNOw how good powder snow feels, so I guess I should stop bitching and moaning and just enjoy the trip.

But I have to mention is that simple things kinda reflect how individuals differ from each other. For me, fun and relaxation are first priorities when it comes to recreation. It doesn't mean that I don't take on challenges; I just simply like to do things without much constrain. On the other hand, my friend has a military kind of style. Especially when it comes to physical activities. He could go on forever till his body crashes and burns. I just don't see the point. I like to savor the details and go for long term entertainment. I want to make every trip of mine a pleasant one. Nothing is over indulged so that I always want more. I do like epic trips but I do not like epic trips resulting 1 week of rehabilitation.

I don't know why I am going on and on about this, I just think it is kinda interesting to see the difference. It is like a mirror that reflects how you live your life in a way really. Well at least it is interesting to reflect on this now. I am telling you, I was not happy when I received a text this morning at 8 30, stuck in traffic on the free way, which read "just a heads up, we are leaving at 6 sharp, do not be late". I kinda wanted to punch him.

Anyways... sleeping now. For sure I will need it. hmmm you know what, I am gonna sleep all the way to the mountain as my way of protesting this god forsaken early hour departure...

A poor night of sleep >_<

Well, drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato at 11pm is not a good idea.

I don't know what it was. Maybe the coffee, or maybe the new workout routine that drained me, I couldn't really rest easily in my bed at 2:00am in morning. Or maybe because for some strange reason I decided to sleep nude. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't able to sleep till 3:30am in the morning. I think I finally dozed off around 4am. Then I spent the next 3 and half hours to create one of my most disturbing, absurd, and bloody dreams in my life. I mean I have had plenty very graphic and violent dreams that seem to be very random and unsettling. But I don't think I am an aggressive person and I definitely DO NOT have killing potentials. But some of my dreams just kinda scare myself. They kinda make you wonder, WHERE THE HELL did that come from. Very creepy.

This dream... I still remember some of the details.

Basically it was a group adventure that has gone wrong. You know, like the Hostel or SAW series. There were about 4-6 people in the group, whose faces were really not recognizable. All I remembered was there there were white and Asian girls and guys in this group and we were having an adventure. Then we were chased off by a horde of sword wielding people who vowed to catch us and prosecute us. So we ran. Then there was this room we saw after running a long time and we went in. We couldn't go further and the army approached. Suddenly, I discovered a seal. Well more like a giant tarot card that had some Asian symbols on it. I thought it was Chinese. So I put this card in the middle of the door, and the card split into 10 and formed a long card tape that shielded us from the army. The leader of the army was visibly upset and didn't want to give up. His face was bloody red with bulking giant eyes that were half popped out that round red balloon like face. He stopped the army. Although angry and determined he didn't move forward. Then I realized that the card was actually a some sort of curse. Unless we figured out a way to wield the cards, they were going to kill us. The cards made noise and started to make its killing rounds. Somehow the whole process is more like a music chair. There were sound and the cards move then one person in my group would die violently once the sound is gone. You know it is like a mechanical reaper that randomly chopping people's head off. It was chaotic, scary and bloody. All I remembered was blood was going EVERY WHERE. By the 3rd round, we somehow ended up in a bath tub and pan sized blood clogs sprang out of nowhere and started to flood the tub and drowning us. The last person who died was a girl and I remembered seeing her laying there pale. Then I woke up feeling distraught and dizzy. It was approximately 7:10am.

So can you even imagine how I felt the whole day...

I don't know. I blame it on CNN. As much as I LOVVVEE their live video news with all these fabulous looking anchors, I really do not like the news I hear everyday. I mean seriously let me just do a quick recount of what I heard for the past week:

• Primaries (ok this one is fun, I love it and I love the debates etc but I think it is still high stress level kinda of a news)


• Pregnant marine was murdered by a fellow marine who allegedly raped and killed her and now is on the run in Mexico.


• Kenya's controversial election that started this nationwide uproar that has killed hundreds of people and it seems that there is no end to it any time soon.


• 25 year old hiker was killed AND Decapitated by a 60 year old freak while she was on a simple hike.


• American dollars have been weakening, I mean it is stressful right?


• A dude named Mark Jenson who allegedly poisoned his wife to death so that he could start a new marriage. Oh that only that his wife refused to die, so he sat on her and put a pillow over her face till she suffocated to death. Allegedly of course.


• Death tow still rising for our troops.


• Blasts that kill 6 injured 20 something as Bush left Saudi for peace talks.


• Gaza riot, missile tossing, death.

I don't know. As I prepare the statement for the rich and privileged, and listening to these beautiful anchors reporting the breaking news all over the world, somehow all I can hear and see is tragedy.

It is quite stressful I would say. So I guess I really can't blame it on CNN, I blame it on humanity.

---

On a different note, this is my future husband and he just doens't know it yet.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/aqui.reggie.html

I shall blog

A lot of things are happening actually... too lazy to update but that should change, since i am putting blogging on my resolution list!

---

let me talk about things that are pretty important first.

I have this 52 year old director at work who is gay. Yeah, shocking, gay and entertainment industry. I sensed his homosexuality from day one but thought that it would stupid to ask him "are you gay". If he is, then, it could still be awkward, and if he is not, it will just be disastrous. So I kept talking to him and waited. One day, he gave me a hint. He said something about his partner. I was like bingo~~~~.... So I went to his office and told him I was gay as well. I kept the coming out very short so we wouldn't stay in his office and staring at each other. Then we had lunch together a week after. I don't know, I guess I am better with gays. I felt very comfortable talking to him even for the first time. We talked about random things and I told him about my fear to ask him about his sexuality prior to his hint. He said it was actually very touching for him that I came out to him right away. It made him feel that much better about being out and representing gays for the younger generation. We both agreed that at least in L.A., if you are just comfortable with it, most likely others would not think about it twice. It was indeed comforting to see the change nowadays. I still remembered back in my middle school, there was this kid made a comment that was just a little bit gay and the whole school made a big deal out of it - even the teacher!, jeebus... the horror.

After this lunch, he would stop by regularly and chat with me. I would do the same. However, things didn't get quite intimate till last week. I am not talking about having sex! pervs, no. You see, at our company, we have a LGBT group and they do a monthly mixer event at this gay lounge in west Hollywood. I thought it'd be nice if we all just go there to hang out. So I forwarded this email to my director and he happily agreed to go. I was abit late , well 30 nins late according to our initial estimated arrival time. I wasn't worried since it was going to be a mixer event which means there would be a lot of people to mingle with. I was so wrong. When I arrived, apparently the only two faithful mixer attendees were my director and I. He of course stayed there alone for 30 mins. I felt so bad... But he was talking to some strangers to kill time, so that was a bit of a comfort for me. Just a side note, I think my director is pretty cute. He must have been super popular back in his 20s. So we started to drink a little and talked. It was actually very nice. I was kinda surprised that it wasn't hard at all to have a conversation with someone who is twice my age.

The conversation became much more informal and the subjects jump from work relations, private relationship, to even sex. I like how he took everything so casually. It was especially funny when I asked that if there were lots orgies back in the 70s. He smiled and said, why not. lol... he was so fun to talk to.

However, the most impressive conversation also happened during that night and it wasn't about sex and boys. You see, I have been in this hiv panic attack mode again lately, so I tested myself prior to the night out with the director. It was negative. The first person I texted was actually him. His reply was "good and stay that way". Also, I have to add a little back story here. When we were having lunch that week after I came out to him, he said that his first love got really sick and passed away. I already knew it must have been from HIV, and if it was in the late 70s and early 80s there wouldn't be any HIV protection awareness. So mostly likely he probably got it too. But he looked very healthy and very upbeat. So it was possible that he used protection. Anyways, as our conversation became more private and the tones became more casual, we all eased up even more. I asked,

"Do you mind if you ask what happened to your first serious boyfriend. You said he got really sick and passed away."

"He had some serious brain disease that was triggered by hiv complications. Hm... I can tell you without much confidence that I am also positive..."

"Ah it is really ok. I mean when you told me your boyfriend died and it was in the 70s, unless I am really stupid, I should be able to think of that. And it is totally ok with me. It is the reality and it is part of our lives..."

"Right..."

"I can tell that you really loved your first boyfriend, because even till today your tone just changes a little bit , a bit more tender whenever you mention him."

"Yes, I loved him very much and he will always have a special place... Ah... I didn't want to tell you this, but we talked about this hehe, how did we start talking about this" (kind of a Barbara Walter's interview moment).

"It is alright really."

I don't know... it is just something that I saw it coming but somehow still felt very profound when he admitted it. I especially could feel his sincerity when he told me to be really careful. He said he got it from his loved one and there would be no regret. Sure, if there were more information and people were more educated they both probably would have done things differently. But he said it'd be really not worth it for some strange guy that hook up with.

He said that he was lucky that his immune system held up for 10 years till he received medical treatment. Apparently the strain of virus is somewhat mild and he is doing just fine.

Our conversation moved from there to finances, relationships, more sex, and west Hollywood in general. We both pretty much went kind far in terms of the topics we brought forth for discussion. I mean it is kinda unconventional since he is afterall a 4 levels above me professionally, and I do see him everyday. However, it was hard to resist to share the thoughts. I think he felt the same way. I guess we both found it comforting to talk about things without the conventional restrictions and yet both were a little surprised how far we were going with it.

Anyways, I felt great about the whole thing and we both had a good time.

It was very windy that day in LA. The wind was wailing throughout the night. It felt kinda surreal, a bit like the end of the world depicted in Will Smith's "I am Legend". However, I have never felt better that night. It was just a regular night out with someone who was gay and older and it was certainly not a date. But I just felt really good about it. The little lounge we stayed at, was one of the first gay establishment in West Hollywood. It is quite cozy and comfy inside. I felt warm and safe there and I somehow could feel the past. oh, if you want to check it out, it is called East/West Lounge.

More things to talk about, to be continued...

One of those bullshit days

First thing first.

I have been very busy lately. Work entered busy season I somehow kept up my workout schedule. So basically I get up around 730am and would end up home around 9-930pm. So when I finish eating it'd already 10. I neglected pretty much all blogs and wasn't chatting with any bloggers anymore. I guess it is one of those hiatus that you just have take. I am trying to slowly catch up. I mean not just catching up on the blogs and stuff but also my dream and my life. I mean isn't that we do constantly. I hope I can feel just a little content in the near future but that requires me to make the right move in every aspect of life.

Anyways, this is what kind of shit went down today.


It was something that happened over lunch and it totally ruined a great lunch plus the rest of my day.

My co-worker and I went for a walk to the commisary for lunch and she happened to run into this friend of hers who used to work with her at her last company. He is this tall Korean guy. I thought he was nice but it totally rub me the wrong way when he started to do the whole pray shit before lunch. I had the similar experience with a Korean girl before and yes according to her she was a faithful Christian. I mean you thank the jeebus even for the food I would assume she would follow his other teachings kinda nice. But she was the rudest and sadest slut I have ever met. She had to kiss some frog in a club in order to compete with another girl in my group. In vain of course because the other girl fucked a model in 30 mins once we got in the club back in New York. Anyways, so I wanted to keep my judgement since everyone is different and it is wrong to steorotype people. Well that was a waste of thoughtful mind of mine.

We had a great conversation in the beginning joking and everything. Time passed by fairly fast but we had a great conversation and we didn't want to leave.

Then he mentioned that he was engaged. I was like wow nice. So the following conversation took place,,

"where is your ring."
"oh guys don't wear a ring."
"lol shit see i am so clueless."
"well so only the girls wear rings huh."
"yeah."
My coworker chimed in,
"yeah girls wear a ring first."
So I said,
"is it a band or the ring. I thought the girls get a band first then the diamond when the marriage takes place."
The douchebag said,
"oh no you buy the whole thing altogether. The rock included. Yeap guys don't get to save that money haha."
"Wow, that is nice, the girls get the rock right away. I really thought you know you give a band like a promise ring kinda thing and the rock when everything is official."

We all just laughing and everything then I said,
"Yeah I would probably give a band first so if it doens't workout you know it'd be just band not the rock and everything."
My coworker said
"omg, no you either give it or you don't, it has to be the whole thing."

We laughed more. Apparently this is how it went down the whole lunch, joking mostly. I mean he even joked about how he acted differently at church just for the image of it and everything, I thought he wasn't uptight.

Then he changed face and said,
"I don't appreciate how you talk shit about my engagement, so you can keep your fucking opinion to yourself, I don't need to hear it ok?"

I was just like WTF???

"Excuse me, but what the fuck are you talking about now?"
"You don't need to talk about my engagement i don't appreciate it."
"ok, but you do realize that I wasn't even talking about your shit right?"
My coworker said, "omg you guys, come on don't be serious, we are just talking about stuff in general."

I said, "So why would I comment on your engagement or marriage in a bad way when you just told me that you are engagement. Do I look like I am stupid? I mean what kind of asshole would do that?"

"Then what do you talk to then. You looked at me and talked about it right after I mentioned my engagement, then who are you talking? Why would you not talk about it if you are looking at me?"

"First of all, I am not talking about engagement, it is not my business and clearly the subject wasn't about your particular shit. I am using "I" in the sentence so I thought it'd be clear. I mean my god what kind of person would say stuff like that like talk shit about one's engagement. Are you fucking out of your mind? I look at you because we are all having lunch together talking together, and you just happen to be here."

"Oh so I should feel really honored to have lunch with you now?"

"WTF are you even talking about now. I can't talk to people like you. You are fuking crazy. I mean wow, how can someone, I mean you are just flat out offensive."

"Go fuck yourself, at least I am with a girl."

"Wow, you go fuck yourself, apparently you need a life."

So I walked up and my coworker ran after me. She was just so terrified. She worried if this would affect my relationship with her. I am like get a grip woman.

All that fucking religious teaching and shit. Seriously, I somehow find religious hypocrite the most offensive. Somehow I haven't seen any self proclaimed righteous and faithful Christians or Catholic for that matter do what the bible teaches. What happened to treating people with respect and do not judge and be kind. I mean he seriously just fucking twisted my word and used that and turned into an apeshit and went on full frenzy mode. That is got to be the great example for his youth group. I am sure he also teaches his acolyte how to lynch gays and jews.

This kind of people grosses me out.

Fuck these fucking retards. I mean the day was great and everything and I would like to talk about many other more exciting stuff. But he just pooped all over me. Now I am all sad and depressed. Not because of him though. I am easily affected emotionally I guess.

Sigh, one of those days. It sucks. I do'nt know how some good times just can suddenly turn into shit. I wish I had a boyfriend i mean someone love me like a partner. I think that is what I need in my life right now. I sometimes feel so weak. I mean i really should have just brushed this off but somehow it lingers. After workout and stay upbeat at work now I am exhausted emotionally. I feel like I am running a race with depression with my positive attitude and my attitude gets beaten down a lot. I don't know. One of those days.