The sweetest thing

Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.

------

I think I am bipolar, just a little bit.  That is why I am always trying not to be too happy because I feel as if at the peak of happiness, I would simply crash and burn into an emotional abyss.  Today is one of those days.  

Lately I have been extremely unsatisfied with my job.  It is not where I want my career to be.  I am yet swarmed by the mundane things everyday.  I have been doing what the senior analyst does most of the time with the junior analyst pay.  In the beginning I was excited because I could see things from a different perspective and I could sense that I might learn much more and have a better idea of what this business is all about.  I thought I would finally get something really valuable out of it.  It was a new start.  However, after one quarter of doing it, I realized that nothing has really changed.  I am more of a mess cleaner.  Instead of doing the work from scratch, I am just cleaning up the mess that bunch new hires are making.  I can tell some of them just don't give a shit as well, they probably hate the job, so the their work is always like diarrhea in a toilet bowl.  No matter how hard I try, I am bound to miss a shit spot.  I asked my manager to help with another group that involves a totally different aspect of the business and yet he continues to give those work to the newer hires since we are short on the review process.  So now they just shit all over in that group too.  People in that group always complains to me how badly the work quality is.  But what can we do, the entire environment doesn't promote competition and doesn't reward competition fairly anyway. 

I don't know I am just very confused about what is about to happen.  

In addition, stock market has taken another nose dive.  I never thought the big 3 auto maker would have made such a dent on my investment.  But stupid me right?  Who knew these CEOs would take their extremely luxurious private jet to Washington D.C. and then beg for money.  Now whose fault is this.  It is a mess that has become a vicious circle which will not be defeated unless you implement policy that would be equivalent to a bone marrow transplant procedure to the entire auto industry in the U.S.  

Then we had a 2 hours training in the afternoon.  I actually liked the training because it was meaningful and interesting.  I felt my brain was breaking the rust during the training process.  I felt a bit more alive.   But the AC was extremely cold and my ice coffee just made me feel like I was getting sick.  I did feel awful toward the end of the day.  

However, I was determined to workout today.  So it went, a grueling leg workout that put me in a complete physical shock.  During my leg workout, I felt pain on my ring finger.  This finger is a bad finger.  When I was 9, a friend of mom's accidentally discovered that I had a lump on that finger.  So we checked it and it was said to be a bone cluster, nothing big, but we should keep an eye on it in case it becomes a tumor and turn into cancer.  Thinking back, I probably should have taken their conclusion with grain of salt since those doctors in my hometown, especially back in the days, were mostly idiots.  They would do anything to get patients to have a surgery so they could get a lot of profit out of it.  However, as cynical as I am, this finger has been perpetually haunting me since then.  I always felt that it would turn into cancer (I have bad luck with disease, I actually have a pretty bad one right now, I meant to write about it but always pushed it off).  So today after the pain on that finger, I touched it.  The lump was clearly bigger and the position of it was in the middle section of the finger.   It felt so big.  Of course I immediately had a cancer scare.  But I kept going with my routine and felt dead afterward. 

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend after the gym but she bailed on me.  So I went home feeling really sad, worried and alone.  Considering I was laughing my ass off during lunch, what a huge difference it has been in 5 hours!  

Then I saw the video.  It made me cry.  I couldn't control my tears.  I wasn't hysterical or sad.  I just felt touched.  It was like a warm hearty soup in a cold winter night.  It made me feel like today was Christmas.  I felt that people still do care.  I cried for a bit, then felt much better. 

I think I will call the USC cancer center tomorrow.  I already have a patient card from there - two years ago I went in to check my balls for cancer because I felt a couple of lumps on it.  I think the ball checking was legit but no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, I will check my finger.  Oh yeah I will have to schedule a HIV test as well.  I let a guy slide his giant cock in my ass for like 5 seconds in my gym, stupid indeed.  Wouldn't this be the saddest way to get infected?  It wasn't even full on sex. 

God wtf is going on. 

A Yes Voter @ Work

There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now.  I knew him back at school.  We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much.  Small world, he landed a job in my department.  We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese. 

From conversation to conversation, I can sense a little bit of that juvenile verbal gay bash, such as oh that is so gay, etc.  It is to my dismay, but I am not going to make a big fuzz about it.  However, if he uses faggot, I would probably sulk him.  Ok maybe not that violent but something close. 

We had our discussion regarding Prop 8. on Thursday last week.  The topic came up rather randomly.  We were just talking about random things at lunch.  I mean I actually subconsciously avoided this subject because I really liked this guy as a friend at work.  He is down to earth, very goofy, and have similar sense of humor.  He is also traditional and not crazy on the party scenes.  (I know it is weird, despite what I do on my own, I always find people who don't party much very attractive).  I enjoyed the company.  So I know if I asked, the answer would be disappointing.  However, it is definitely beyond my power to control his actions.  

As our conversation went on, out of no where, he said, 

"I am gonna vote yes on prop 8."

My heart sank a bit.  I mean I already expect this, but to see a person exercise discrimination in front of me, against me unknowingly, is quite unexpectedly disturbing.  I felt so wronged.  What have I done to you?  But I held my cool and asked him why.

He listed about 2 things that were prominent Yes on Prop 8 talking point.  One it is against tradition - why did tradition become synonymous with bigotry anyway,  two he doesn't want the schools to be forced to teach about homosexuality. 

From there I didn't really let him talk too much.  Instead I started to ask him a series of questions regarding where these feelings and opinions came from, and what were his reasonings to believe such false advertisement.  He couldn't give me any solid answers.  He often muddled I don't know in his goofy ways.  However, his goofy ways were just that, very goofy and stupid, not cute at all.  

I told him that marriage, in English, the word has a strong sense religion is because how the western countries adopted Christianity and associated this union closely with their religion despite the fact that the religion itself is a very young belief in regard to human history.  However, marriage itself is an institution between two people, and it has nothing to do with religion.  There are billions of people in the world and they all get married in one way or another.  They choose to form that institution as they wish and it is no one else's business to tell them what they can or cannot do.  Even more so, to define one's marriage as valid or invalid based on one young religious belief. 

As the education scam, I told him that schools were independent regarding education on marriages, straight or gay.  It is the teachers' limited discretion and parents have plenty influence, so that talking point from Yes on 8 is just a political gimmick to distract voters.  They school weren't required to educate the students in this matter, and why would you want to prevent this if it is not going to happen in the future.  

He later then said something that made me very mad, which was gays want to get married for tax benefit.  I lost it a bit and started to almost scream a little.  But I was trying to make a sound argument so the screaming was definitely gonna belittle my effort, so I tried once again to keep my cool.  I told him that in America alone, there would be roughly 30+ million gays, lesbian, and transgender.  In China alone, there would be enough gays to trump entire American population.  Yet these people would just want to get married for some petty tax benefit.  In case you didn't know, the second class marriage license, the civil union already promised almost all the rights.  Why do these people still try so hard to just get that benefit?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe that people probably want to get married because they love each other? 

I also told him that the professor he worshipped back at USC, the philosophy teacher Dr. Willard taught us a lot about critical thinking.  The key to every issue is to think from different angles and to think for yourself.  I asked him why does he still keep such an unfound fear and discriminative approach to this issue.  There was no answer.

I said that how he often tells me that his dad came here 40 years ago with a few bucks on him and now he is a rocket scientist working for NASA.  I said that this is why he came to America because there is dream opportunity and most importantly equality, or at least the hope to be treated equally.  He had his chance and because of what this country is founded on, and how this country was founded, he was a success.  He probably could never have done the same in another country on earth during his years.  Now he is wealthy and have you in the country and I am pretty sure that was the sole reason for him to move here with just a few bucks on him, because he wanted his next generation to have a better start.  Now you have every opportunity that he didn't have, with such expensive education, all you could think of in this election full of change and hope, is to discriminate against another group of minority when yourself is a member of a group of minority?  He didn't say anything

I felt that he was at least thinking and I wish he would do the right thing on Nov. 4th.

----

Today I asked him how he voted and he said he voted yes.  The following text message took place, and the such horrid and yet deep discrimination from this young 22 year old man was shocking to me.  He was once educated side by side with me, he is living in California, the bluest state, and he has access to information, yet he refuses to see it all and held on to the talking points from the bigots and established his argument on fear. 

Me, (thanks to iphone for the essay length capability of texting)

"I seriously do't know WTF is wrong with you, the self righteous people. I don't know when it has become ok that you can tell others what they could do with their lives.  You often mention how your race was massacred by the Turks, then you should know about oppression, your dad is an immigrant, ask him, he knows discrimination, and now you think you have the position to discriminate against others it is beyond me.  Thanks for taking my rights away, I hope you are really happy now that we are second class citizen like how the blacks were decades ago.  Oh yeah I am sooo disappointed by my tax disadvantage now, after all that is why we try to get married for. You douchebag."

He later came by my desk.  It was awkward, and he was nervous.  He said,

"oh man, someone is bitter huh hehe hehe..."

I was texting to JD, (you know who you are when u read this!), and I slowly looked up, said,

"You know what, I really have nothing to say to you at this point, I really don't want to talk to you anymore.  Thanks for taking the rights away."

"Oh com'on! it is no big deal."

That just also knocked me out,

"What did you say? no big deal? after you become part of this shit, you have the nerve to come here and tell me I am over sensitive and it is no big deal?

"come on, it is ok."

He just stood there not leaving and I tried to finish the text and I couldn't.

"I cannot believe how you worship that philosophy teacher and talk about him all the time, yet you learned nothing from him."

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting,

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting.

"tell me what teacher~~"

He was doing that thing when a 10 year old did something bad, you know rocking side by side, and I looked up his face is blaring red. 

"That Willard guy, you know what, forget, I really have nothing to say to you, can you just go I probably talk to you later, I want to finish my text."

"Just like that."

"Just like that."

He walked away.

-----

I cooled down and thought about it, maybe he didn't realize that I was gay? Is that why he said it is no big deal?  I honestly could have just stopped there, but I feel it is everyone's obligation to make this issue seen.  Silence = Death. 

I texted the following,

"I hope you read what I wrote carefully, then you would notice that I am passionate and serous about this is because I am gay. It is not my choice, I won't apologize about who I am and I demand every god damn right that this country has promised.  It is my right as simple as that, that is all."

He later texted me something that is TRULY a PIECE OF WORK.  It was disturbing and I was SO disappointed in this guy.  He had that innocent juvenile charm, and I thought he was clueless.  I mean you can be only so angry at someone who is stupid right?  But instead, he apparently qualifies to work on Yes on 8 campaign. 

"I have no say in gay marriage, I believe everyone is free to marry anyone. this measure went beyond that into educational institutions. I oppose that.  Children should not be naively swayed away from an opportunity marry and reproduce as the human race is intended to.  This measure is not about discrimination.  I oppose any discriminatory idea. Gays have every right as non gays. When this gay marriage enters school teaching, it practically discriminate non gays and the purpose of the human race as a whole."

So I was flaming, and texted something fast and later when I read it was a bit incoherent toward the end. 

"And that is exactly what didn't happen in the schools. The only way they can make it pass is to lie about it.  Public school board and school superintended had denounced prop 8 because school is never required to teach anything about gay or straight marriage. Catholic and Christians have historically been against abortion and sex education, and ye they are proven to be healthy and beneficial to the society as a whole.  More importantly you apparently didn't read the prop and still use their talking point.  Before prop8 there was no measure to force any education regarding homosexuality, now they made the measure to prevent this; but their true intent as evident as the yes on prop 8 leaders have reiterated over and over is that they have to protect traditional marriage.  It is a REVISION of our constitution to specifically say marriage is between one man and one woman, thus no gays can get married, EVER. I like how they throw in some fake political cloud and all of sudden people will just fall for it.  And further, homosexuality is not fucking taught, I grew up in a hetero environment, teaching about something natural, i don't see how that is so threatening.  It is so sad to see people are so ignorant.  Ironic that decades ago black veterans would be refused by white cab drivers when they come back from war and deemed acceptable, decades later, bigots just replaced one minority with another to bully with.  Are we really changing or just recycling hate?"

No more texts after that.  I saw him two more times and gave him the dirtiest look I think I could achieve.  

I really liked him, but who knew, humans can be so divided over something that was supposed to be a non issue. 

Please go to www.petitiononline.com/seg5130/petition.html to ask our governed to reopen prop 8

Gay rights movement backtracked

This is beyond upsetting. I am actually stunned and confused as the bluest state California, with such a gay friendly environment and a large gay population, has passed this heinous bill. To add to the injury, gay rights related bills all suffered defeats throughout this country this Nov. 4th when we have broken all barriers to elect a minority President. This is an incredible defeat and has forged great obstacles that may take generations to overcome.

I could understand why the bigots are fanatic about this issue since their morality has been tainted by organized religion. But what I cannot understand is those who are not as religious voted for it or simply didn't vote. I am always amazed by how damaging early religious education can be. I have talked to so many people who are not religious yet they just think gay marriage is not right. When confronted, not only they cannot provide an answer that would satisfy their own conscious, but they also feebly try to avoid saying that because they were taught so by the very religion that they now despite. It is this kind of hypocricy and selective memories that I believe the gay rights movement should target as well. Is American as a people much more religiously rooted than we thought or is it a manifestation that religion activity has penetrated this country politics like never before. The Yes on Prop 8 people loved the turn out for Barack Obama because older black households are even more conservative which helped with their cause. It is incredibly sad to see this considering the history.

I am empathetic to those who have worked long and hard for this measure and other gay issues in general. But it is beyond my comprehension how frustrating and despairing it is for them. It is like after 8 years of Bush, we elect Rudy Guilliani for Presidency.

I like how Towleroad.com has cunningly pointed out that our beloved state, California has denied human rights to marry but passed the bills for farm animals to move around. See humans are always cruel toward each other. It sounds cynical but I think it is a genetic makeup in human to make sure that humans check its own population.

On the other hand, if anything, this election cycle has shown us that as long as there is hope, there will be change. I cannot help but to think about Harvey Milk and Barack Obama and just to remind myself we cannot give up because those who permeate prejudice and bigotry in our society have not given up.

It is frustrating nevertheless... I guess we have to keep fight and just wait. The battle would be somewhat easier once all these bigots from the baby boomer ages just DIE from their natural causes or accidents. It is a bit more comforting to know that when they do die, and with their last sliver of consciousness, they will suddenly realize that there is nothing beyond death. I guess nature would have the last laugh.

Quote from the notorious Margrette Cho,

"I wish Jesus can come back and just tell them, 'that is not what I meant!' "

Infinite Doubt

That is how I feel lately.  Everything has become a steady motion yet nothing is really for certain.

Work has been increasing in quantity at a steady pace since the beginning of this quarter and I have definitely learned to adapt to this rather dull schedule.  I wake around 7am and get to work a bit after 8 and work until 630ish.  This is an already revised schedule.  Maybe because I have adapted or the management just managements the work load better for everyone now, I have stopped working more than 10 hours a day in recent two weeks.  Before this, I usually wake up at 630 and leave work around 730 to 8 every freaking day.  After working, 3 days out of 5 I will go to the gym and spend a good 2 hours in that general area.  Get home around 9pm, eat a bit, then go online, check emails, play a bit video games then sleep. THEN repeat it 5 times and this is how a week is killed under the forever moving wheel of life. 

Luckily I have my cousin living at my house right now.  She has given me a taste of how a sibling would feel like in one's life.  I really like it.  But I do feel a bit sour at the same time since I have wished for a sibling since my teen years and this new found bounding experience doesn't justify my long delay hunger for companionship.  I feel I am wronged on that one.  Again, that is probably due to my single child mentality; I feel wronged very often since I am the center of the universe right hehehehe.

Aside from my work and workout, I have also thrown studying in the mix.  My first CFA exam is in December and I am well behind schedule.  So now I throw in about 8-10 hours studying a week to catch up.  As of today, I think I would still be tremendously behind given the 10 hours contribution a week.  So now I plan to kick it up to 15 hours a week for studying next week.  Arrggg..... 

I do all these different things, trying to move forward in my life, professionally, physically and academically.  But do these efforts matter?  Will they make a real difference.  Lehman Brothers are heading straight to bankruptcy as of today,  Merrill Lynch will be bought by BofA. These people are the expert at the finance field.  Yet they faltered under the peer pressure of irresponsible investments, poor governing oversight, and aggressive valuation.  Again and again, Wall Street digs up the ancient tombs for the new braves with too much testicular courage.  What the fuck am I doing.  Reading these giant books like a nerd, pretend that I just want to be another finance type and eventually works my youth and dream away till my company goes bankruptcy.  Yes it is a bit of a morbid forecast, but  i just don't feel whatever I am doing right now means jack.

----

I had a weird dream this morning and I think it kinda reflects how I feel about this flow of my daily activities.

I woke up around 11am briefly.  I say briefly is because upon opening my eyes I felt dazed and unsatisfied.  However, my brain was able to kick my train of thoughts into a working mode, so in about 2 minutes I went through the things I was obligated to do:

1. work out.

2. study a 50 page chapter

3. call a friend

4. something meaningful

My mind felt so tired... It is a sunday yet I can't just let it pass.  Life has given me the obligation to make it productive, I guess I am just being American; we don't deserve a day off in our lives, we are bound to work till we die.  I believe that.

Before I could draft up more things that can dampened my Sunday, I fell back to sleep.  Then this dream happened.

I was at a locker room changing from work attire to casual attire (I guess in my mind my job would have been more serious; we are wearing casual every day as it is, i don't know what I could change to make it even more casual), I changed into a pair cool sneakers and a pair of blue sweat pants and a white T.  Sitting on the bench contemplating whether or not I should go work out after this long day.  A co-worker, who in real life works out almost everyday, suddenly stood beside me asking me if I am going to the gym since he was going right now.  Of course I fell for the peer pressure, even though he hardly pressured me.  I said what the hell, it is pretty bad as it is already, I don't think I could make my day even worse.  I then started to clean out my stuff and put them in my gym bag.  There was a zip bag that contained a massive amount of weed and I felt as if the weed was the only thing that would make me happy after I finish my grueling workout routine.  The weed bag seemed appropriate and I wasn't even slightly surprised by it.  As a matter of fact, for that instant, as I put my weed bag in my gym bag, my dream gave me a side note to explain how I got the weed.  It was my gym-husband who got it from his high school water polo team and he planned to enjoy that massive amount of weed with me later that day. 

So I finished packing and walked out the locker with my co-worker.  We were in a movie studio sound stage and for some reason the entire sound stage was our garage.  Another co-worker who looked like Sarah Palin was standing there telling us that they were shooting a scene outside and we should be careful when we close the big iron sound stage door.  I said sure, but as soon as I walked out I left the door unattended and it made a huge smashing sound.  I laughed and apologized.  However, the woman who was behind the door was not longer Sarah Palin looking co-worker, it was an African American female cop who said I was rude and I should be charged.  I started to apologize profusely.  However she didn't appear to be interest to what i had to say.  Instead she got more aggravated as we spoke.  She then said that she had to arrest me.  I was like, what did you say! for what!  She said for this! and she took out that giant bag of weed and waved it in front of me.  For that moment I didn't really remember where that came from and I screamed, IT IS NOT MINE I DONT EVEN SMOKE!!  Then all of sudden, my gym-husband appeared behind the cop.  He looked at the bag, had a weird smirk on his face, then he looked at me.  I was thinking, omfg you! It is all your fault! Now I can't get out of this mess and I don't even smoke!  All of sudden, my family, co-worker all came together and argued why I should or shouldn't be arrested.  Looking at the chaos, I suddenly realized how vulnerable and tiny I was.  I was at everyone's waists height, watching helplessly at those strange faces determining my fate.  The cop left soon saying that I won't be arrested but I would be fined heavily.  The rest of the adults watched me in silence.  I felt so wronged.  I just wanted to relax and have some fun and I rarely do it in my life.  I tried to work hard and be committed to all my obligations yet the main focus was how awful my "fun habit" was, and the sad part was that it wasn't even a habit.  I fell on my knees, pounding and swiping the tiny fine marble stones on the ground.  I screamed and cried and kept saying "fuck this I don't even fucking smoke!"

Then I woke up with tears in my eyes in real life!

Then I just felt even more tired and helpless.  Because I know in two hours I will have to go to the gym, study for the rest of the night, then get ready for the next almost identical "exciting" five days in my life. 

Ah I am being cynical again

Gym buddy has been great, we hang out for July 4th with his fiance and my friends. We all had a great time, then we worked out a couple more times etc.  Especially my friends and I went nuts in the water and totally had a blast.  I lost my Rainbow sandals in the waves and now I am wearing a new pair.  It is going to be another year of foot battle with the footwear, so far the sandals have been beating the shit out of my feet T_T....

Anyways, when we were at the beach watching fireworks on the 4th, out of no where, his future wife all of sudden asked,

"So what have you planned on August 9th."

(hmmm wth... is she inviting me to the wedding? but I don't even really know them isn't this supposed to be a very intimate event?...)

"ah... nothing why."

"would you like to come to our wedding."

"oh, ah, sure haha why not. "

(hmmm ok i guess we are really getting along enough that she is willing to invite me to their weddings kinda cool.)

Gym Hubby walked back to us when this exchange between me and his soon to be wife took place.

"Oh, Hamilton wants to go to our wedding.'

"Ah... cool. "

WTF WTF WTF. 

WHo the fuck said I wanted to go, that was kinda distasteful. 

Anyways...

Later on I asked if I could bring a person and he said yes. But overall after really thinking about it, (plus all my female friends are going out of town during that time), I think it is really inappropriate for me to go.  I do not only not know anyone there, but what am I gonna say when anyone asks me how I met him?

"ah... we worked out together for 2 weeks and I think he is totally hot. "

Yeah that is not gonna go well. So now I have decided not to go.

But since I am already invited, now refusing it is already kinda bad, at the same time, I need to get them a wedding gift either I go or not.  I especially should get the gift now that I am not going.  I am kinda not happy about this.  I really do not know these people what the hell.

My friend helped me with a thoughtful gift and I think it would be a good gift. It is not from the lame registry either, so I think it is great.  Even though I got lucky that I didn't have to drop like 50-100 dollars on a stranger's wedding I am still kinda annoyed by the situation especially how she made it sound as if I invited myself.  Do I look like that kind of person?

Now i think about it, she did this probably for an extra gift.  I know how cynical but who the fuck invite strangers to their wedding when they already have a budget for 180 people? 

Beh.... not cool

I am so PISSED and humiliated!!

Have you ever tried someone that you felt like you are dating DOWN, like lowering your bar, decreasing your standard a bit, being nice for once, trying the dating thing like a normal person, THEN your little experimental date looks up and tell you, hmmm this is not what I am looking for. Sorry...

There are just too many things that are so wrong in this scenario.

----

Mistake #1.

I asked his picture, and some of them looked ok and some of them looked hmmm average. I thought I would at least go to the date and see him, maybe he is not too photogenic. We had good conversations and great chemistry, so why not give this a try. I was getting really excited as you guys can tell.  I showed up to dinner and met him. Ok it was not about being photogenic. He did look almost exactly like how he did in pictures. But in reality, he looked fatter. A bit double chin going on and definitely didn't look like 180lbs. Ok I AM 180lbs with the same height, and I look slim and have proportions, 42" chest hello. 

I was a bit disappointed to be honest. But always a trooper, I thought to myself that he was a great guy, and we had nice conversations, so this should be really good.

During dinner, I got to look at him a bit more close up. I thought I really preferred to look at him further away. It was a bit of struggle. Physically I was not really attracted to him. But he had a nice voice, shy in a cute way and generally enjoying my company. We talked about our experiences what not and I was very open about what I wanted and what I liked. He seemed to agree with everything I said. There was no dull moment, he kept trying and was good at keeping the conversation light and interesting. He laughed a lot and smiled a lot and I was pretty sure he liked it. He paid the dinner, about 60 bucks with tips. Pretty generous too I thought. I was so glad that I took a risk because it seemed like that it was paying off.

For the first time ever, with a guy to whom I only had dating intentions, I found myself able to look beyond the physical facade. I liked the ease of conversation. Like I said before, he wasn't sarcastic, so I never heard anything such as "if you are fat you will never get laid, uh hmm." Yes, that is what I have heard in my past experience from my gay friends/acquaintances. 

I was happy. I wasn't shallow and I have been enjoying a REAL DATE. Like those fucking straight people have been doing for a decade since their puberty. 

I was taking a risk, first step to fly. 

One reason I found myself in only fucking type of relationship is that, as I blogged before, I am too afraid. If I don't see myself with someone who would have at least a potential to have a long term relationship, then I would not even try. Let's just fuck, no harm no foul. NO FEELINGS hurt for anyone.

Today, I was willing to take a risk, to let it all hang loose once, even though it was for someone who I knew wasn't the ideal person. But at least it was a start. 

It was that much determination, that much effort went through my head while I tried to keep the date going smoothly. 

when I finally made that decision, I found peace. I wasn't looking at his small double chin or anything. I too had a real date, not a date where you head straight to the bedroom where the 8inch felt so great and that 6 packs felt so hard. 

Mistake #2.

I was too honest. This is how I am. I talk about anything that is on my mind. I told him this since the start before we even talked. I talked about how I treat people with no agenda and I let them know what I think and what I want right away, especially in a situation like this! I did feel like I may have sounded a bit more relationship oriented because I kept saying hooking up without feelings is getting tiring. he AGREED. I wasn't sure what game he was playing but he agreed and gave his two cents as well.

So the date went on just fine and we bought pink berry and went back to his place.

Mistake #3

I was playing good. It wasn't really playing though. Because I was so determined to do this right. I told him I wasn't going to fuck on the first date. BTW HE NAMED THIS THING AS A DATE. So I went in. He was as nervous as ever and didn't really approach me. So I put my head on his lap god damn I thought that WAS CUTE? How stupid. 

We talked more. I then asked for some pictures of his past girlfriend. The only reason was actually for vanity. Even though he wasn't that hot for me but I wanted to see if he had a hot girlfriend. Then that would somehow justify my compromise? I know it was an ill logic but it worked for me at that time. I guess I was still seeking for some sort of reassurance of he really deserved my first date, the biggest step I have ever taken relationship wise. He said he didn't take any. So I was just sitting there waiting for him to make a move. We kept talking about pictures then he showed me this long series of pictures in his camera about his trip to Chile etc... All I was thinking, ok is he going to make a move or what. I could tell he was horny. His breathing was definitely heavier and he was extra nervous and his body was tense. He often didn't know where he should put his hands. 

So finally I was just pretty sick of his shy nature, I lied down and he came over sitting there looking over me. I put his hands on my chest. I asked him,

"why are you so nervous?"

"I don't know I am just nervous kinda."

I kept my eye contact with him all this time.

"this is your house. I was hoping you could be more confident and more demanding."

"yeah i don't know I just don't know what to do."

"is this what you do with your girlfriend?"

"no."

"then what is wrong."

"i am not sure it just feels different."

"I see, I guess you don't find me attractive?"

"no I really like how you are, I think you are hot."

All this time when we were talking, his hands finally became more encouraged and started to  tingle my thigh by moving his fingers along my legs. 

Then I don't remember how it was, it moved on to fucking subject yet again. I was saying how tired pure fucking could be. His hands stopped moving. I noticed but I didn't think it was a big deal.

"then i said, god, you are so reserved. this is your home and I am here ain't I?"

"alright then."

Finally a sense of confidence came over, and he started to unbutton me and started to caress my chest and my abs. 

"I like your body. Nice skin color."

"let me see yours."

I lifted his shirt, his flappy belly popped out.

I stopped trying to see more. I thought to myself, "ok no sex anyway. I guess after all I still can't be a saint. I do need to maintain certain physical standard and he is a bit overweight, etc etc etc. "

At this point, I was getting annoyed and became really demanding, this is how I am anyway. 

"hmmm alright, so this is all you are gonna do tonight?"

"ah, I don't know. I am not sure. This is different."

"hmm I don't feel like doing anything anymore." He said

He walked to his fridge, got a bottle of water and asked me if I wanted anything. 

I was laying there like WTF IS HAPPENING?

"er.. what is this?"

"I don't know. I think we are looking for very different things. You are demanding and you want more from this."

I was thinking, omg I am not a slut I already said there would be NO SEX, what did he mean I wanted more.

"er... no, remember I told you my pants are not coming off tonight."

"right, no fuck on the first date."

"see this is too much, this is a date and you aren't just one of those fuck buddy type..." he said after pausing briefly.

"you think I want a relationship."

"yes, I think this is what it is. I kinda know you now, so I can't just fuck and then that is that. You are a nice guy, so I don't want to just fuck then end it like that. I can't do that. I am definitely not looking for a relationship and apparently that is what you are looking for."

"......... so that is what you think?  and you already 'know me'? Just so you know that whatever I have told you, I have told everyone that I have fucked."

"yeah, ok, i didn't mean it like that. I am saying that I think that is what it is. So I can't do it."

SERiOUSLY? The one time that I didn't want actual sex I got turned down? not only that, for a reason that has NEVER been part of me? I wanted to be a relationship oriented guy and failed at all times. Now suddenly I AM THE DEMANDING RELATIONSHIP type? like SERIOUSLY? 

STUPID FUCKING ME THAT when he said I wanted more, the FIRST thing that came to my mind was "IS HE THINKING I AM  A SLUT that I AM FAKING the no sex on the first date thing." 

IT WAS JUST THE opposite. like SERIOuslY?

It was irony at its best. 

It is like, 

When you feel a homeless person is so poor that you pulled over in your car just so that you can give him some change, he tells you that he only takes 1 dollar bills and above (happened in downtown area to me and my friends")

When you want to pity fuck someone he tells you that you aren't his type.

When you save a snake and it bites you.

I know all this don't sound quite fitting here but that is how I felt. Ironically embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt. 

The one time I tried to be a normal nice guy who doesn't want the shallow crap, I become the relationship oriented bitch who is desperate for some action. The one time I let my feeling hanging loose a bit, it gets pissed on all over by a fucking fat tard.

The one time I feel like that I am dating down, I am the one who gets rejected for all the wrong reasons. 

like SERIOUSLY!!

You know what? fuck buddies are not bad at all! Mine actually texted me earlier this morning told me how much he missed the hot fucks and hope we could do it again soon. 

You know what? playing hard to get definitely get you whole lot more hot asses and cocks to suck on.

You know what? being a typical superficial douchebag gay is the only way you don't get humiliated like this.

I told him that I have never been turned down by someone like him. I didn't say what I thought about him the first 5 mins I met him.

I said,

"you know what, let me just say this, ... never mind, it is not relevant and it is not necessary to hurt anyone's feeling here."

What I wanted to say was

"you are kinda overweight and rocking a double chin, I am really out of your league and when I am being so generous, how dare you fucking play this shit on me? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU to ruin MY  FIRST DATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAT FUCK."

Nothing came out, it was just all screaming back and forth in my skull.

He kept saying sorry, which made it even worse. 

I kept telling him, don't fucking say sorry, it is not my loss so please save it. I left his place and deleted his number. 

--- 

HNT - picture this thursday.

Inappropriate employee, flaked, shallow, politics

Today truly sucked.

I am going to write four events. Event one is work experience, event two is a date that'd gone flake, event three is a rant regarding someone shallow, event four a political issue. Please be advised that if you don't want to get political, please do not read event FOUR.

Event 1,

Ok our company is passing out Berlin Walls. Yes you heard it right. Despite the fact that, Germany decided to stop disintegrate their historic walls, we still keep getting them. I just really didn't care for the wall piece, but one of our temporary worker wanted it, and she is pretty cool so we went there to get her a piece.

The assistant who was responsible for handing out the wall pieces was a major bitch. She sat there giving us this indifferent look. I tried to ease the uncomfortable moment and talked to her. This is what came out of this bitch's mouth,

"hm, can you guys give me a call first next time you come back? You know so I can get prepared, and get organized."

So I said,

"ah.. ok. well what can we do, we all just love historic walls. hehe"

"hm? what do you mean, you like walls?"

My mouth was just hanging open and I got really pissed.

"hehe, (fake laugh), I dont understand, you like walls, like the walls there." Looking at the wall behind me. fucking retard...

My coworker chimed in, "he meant the berlin wall."

"oh." rolling her eyes.

I turned my back on her, and she kept talking to me, and I proceeded talking to my coworker and left her hanging. I left the rooming without picking up the stupid wall.

Awkward? Yes, but Her tone was extremely annoying and her attitude was definitely offensive. It was as if we were those kind of people who would love to get anything for free.

The outrageous thing is that,

1. We will never come back, each employee is qualified for one piece of fucking walls and I didn't even want this piece of fucking wall.

2. WHO THE FUCK do you think you are. You are an assistant and your job description is to assist whatever your boss needs help for, and handing out the wall is one of the CORPORATE initiative. IF you can't lift your precious fingers to just hand out some boxed wall pieces, you should not have applied for your job. If you had any decent education, you would have had a real job now wouldn't you?

3. Organize WHAT? You desk was as clean as new, and all you had to do was to open a Word document, write down our employee ID and then hand out the fucking wall that is in the box NEXT to your desk.

I just hate people who have attitude for nothing. I personally don't deal with attitude well at all. Place yourself in the right position. If you think this job is so below you then get the fuck out. If you think you are better than this, go find a better job. If you take it, then don't be a anal annoyance to other people. What is worse is that we all tried to make her cheer up and all that came back were these retarded responses.

Event 2.

I have been talking to this guy from UCLA, 22-23, looks kinda cute and we had great conversations last week. So on the weekend I asked him out to have dinner and chill in Westwood. Plans were set and I was really looking forward to this. I talked to him in the afternoon around 3 pm and confirmed the event. He said he was going to take a nap but told me to call him before I leave so that he would know when I was leaving etc. Sounded all very genuine and interested.

630pm rolled by and I was ready to leave. Rested a bit in my car since he suggested I should leave a bit later to avoid traffic. Called him @ 645 the first time. Rang 6 times to voicemail. Called the second time once I reached my car around 650pm. Still voicemail. I needed gas, so I went to the gas station next to work. Meanwhile texted him telling him that I was leaving now and if he got my message let me know. Got to the gas station filled up and called one more time telling him that the drive is quite long (20 miles subject to some traffic and returning route for me would be around 30 miles), so I don't want to drive out there in case he had something come up. So I told him in the voicemail that I would wait for his call till 715 then I would be heading home. 720pm rolled by. I drove home.

830pm he texted me saying that his phone was on silence and he just woke up. Are you fucking kidding me or do I look or sound like a retard/doormat? He can't put an alarm on and took a nap that lasted almost 6 hours in the afternoon? It is just ridiculous nowadays. I mean I remembered when I grew up, as kids when I didn't understand much, I would at least inform others or do something to prevent missing an appointment. THIS WAS A DATE. I guess the chemistry wasn't as strong as I thought it was and if I were just whatevers and worth less than a small effort to set an alarm on a cellphone then so be it.

Event 3

There was this cute guy who messaged me online to talk to me. I actually really liked his looks. But after talking for a while I realized that his english could be improved a little but I didn't mind. After talking to each other a couple times, we just stopped talking, w/e, it was mutual. One day I was wondering if he was still interested, so I messaged him. He sounded interested because he started to talk about what happened in his life and what he liked etc. Then I was like so do you still wanna hang out sometimes. He was like sure, can I have more pictures? That was back then before I bought my Mac Book Pro (you see how I typed out the full name, yes I love it that much), and I do not take pictures on my own since my camera has been seized by my parents for business use. All I had was some facebook pictures usually taken from party events. A couple pictures that I had that was close shots were like 1 -2 years old. So I gave him some. He kept complaining that ah it wasn't clear enough and how I didn't want to give him my pictures etc. I told him I could provide some later when I get my computer. From there his attitude was cold and rude, so I ditched him right away.

Fast forward 1 month, I got my Mac and I posted some newly taken picture online. He then couldn't leave me alone. He emailed me three times on three occasions and tried to be cute and nice. I lost all my interests so all I told him was that we have talked before and there was no chemistry, thanks for messaging and bye bye. He just kept emailing. Today he did it again. Bitch chose the wrong time to be fake cute. So I said,

"I already told you many times, we talked and I am not interested at all, so could just freaking go away. Thank you."

Surprisingly, he emailed back saying, "oh sorry if I did something wrong, just wanted to say hi."

This could have been really sweet if I didn't already know how he was, now he just sounded desperate, shallow, and pathetic. So I said, "you didn't do anything wrong, you just pulled a typical gay stereotype, you were shallow and superficial." Then I blocked him.

I am just so surprised nowadays. Whenever I see someone who talks to me, I would at least try to look beyond the physical stuff and talk a bit. When you are nice and polite, they usually pull the I am more fabulous card on me. When you gain some attitude, they suddenly become so apologetic. How dysfunctional.

This is just in. Got Rejected in the Club by a potential one night stand This guy messaged me and said hi. I just replied something nice and he said oh hey baby it is me, sex btm, sorry I didn't get to fuck you last time, maybe we can hookup soon. Want to see my cock? Realizing who he is. I said oh hi, sorry about last time, I had a misunderstanding (which is true one of the gays told me he wanted to hook up), thanks for the advanced warning, but no thanks I will pass. God so arrogantly conceited. Freaking... But I felt good saying that because now he knows how I felt!! This is his picture. 

Event 4

CNN kept reporting how the Olympic rally has been disrupted and this definitely pisses me off. I am raised in China and got my teen --> adult education in America. I have exposure to both culture and both ideologies. With my own education and understanding, I think Tibet is no one else's business. It is a sovereignty issue that is between China and Tibet.

Tibet empire has been controlled and conquered by China hundreds of years ago and based on the Chinese empirical ruling policy, we do not interfere the nomads that roam on the remote Tibetan area. Instead they would act as a state just like any state in U.S.A. and contribute tax and donations each year to the Chinese empire that rule the inland. We did respect their spiritual leader and this agreement has always been in place. They were not allowed to invade any territory with in the Chinese border and the Chinese empire would in turn protect them from other tribes who didn't enter this treaty with Chinese empire, or foreign invaders.

This continued to modern China where the current Chinese government allowed the spiritual leader's spiritual guidance as long as they do not disrupt peace and Chinese sovereignty. Other than that, they are free people. But too bad they weren't up for the peace and as a nation, we will not tolerate treason and riot.

I am sorry if that sounded so Communism. But that has nothing to do with Communist. Just remember how we Americans, got California, Hawaii, Alaska, what happened to the Indians, Blacks and other minority who struggled for decades for equality. Should Mexico government ask for California back, people would just laugh at this idea.

Just most recently, the Absolute Vodka campaign which suggested that in an Absolute world of Mexico's heritage, half of America would be still owned by Mexico. OH dear lord no, this ad generated so much protest that the vodka's parent company had to pull the ad immediately.

Just imagine a Hawaiian royal requires Hawaii's independence and supersession from U.S.A., demanding their own constitution and sovereignty, and during this process, disrupt all local peace, start rioting, protesting with violence, you think American Federal Government would just watch? Arrest will be made and people would be killed. Is that human rights issue? Fuck no.

For people who do not understand Chinese history can simply blindly accuse China for human rights violation and think Tibet should be independent as it wishes. It is simply not like that. I am sorry that 1.x billion Chinese in China right now do not only believe that Tibet is, has always been, and will always be part of China, just like Taiwan, but also STRONGLY support the government's action. Myself included. I am sorry that they don't like that but that is how it is going to be. China will become the next super power and share the power struggle with America and Russia in the world. It is a fact. Its leaders are now all foreign educated who are firm believers of CAPITALISM and yet wielded with the convenience of Communism political tools. The nation is maturing and with improvement on all aspects of the society, its people are only enjoying their better lives. With these, some petty protests are not going to change the mind of the vast majority of the nation. The government and its people as one have similar believes and opinions and with that Tibet will never win. It is just a fact.

It is incredible that with all these western influences and these protests and criticism, my generation of Chinese, the early twentysomes have never been more pro China in history. Maybe that is a message.

I remembered that in the 40s, Mao said that he will lead China to save the world because the world is suffering from the evil capitalists. Ironically, the Chinese couldn't even meet the basic survival needs. No food, no healthcare, and no social stability. The only thing that were plenty were political movements, which were chaotic, violent, and cruel. Yet Mao wanted to save the world.

60 years later. Chinese are busting into Forbe 500 and has one of the HIGHEST living standard in the world, yet the western world is still willing to save China despite the fact that our OWN  economy here is in a DEEP hole. We are in a war we will never win; race is still the elephant in the room, and gays are treated like 3rd class citizens behind the racial minorities, etc... i am not sure who we should save first. Other people or ourselves? GET A GRIP , reality check people.

I am gonna say it!

MAJOR Ranting alert!!

Ketchup sucks. Yes, I am grumpy tonight.

Sure it is one of the newer creations by Dolce group. It has a nice ambience and design. Waiters and waitresses are sweet and hot. The managers are as tanned and built as a pretty late 20 something gay guy can be. He is probably straight so it makes him just that much hotter... Their steak is good, but other than that, everything else just sucks. Well, ok that might be an exaggeration since everything else as I mentioned above sounded pretty swell. Ok, the FOOD SUCKS AND AS A RESTAURANT I THINK IT IS A HUGE FACTOR don't you think. Everything is salted to death. Oh yeah their chicken dishes are dry. Maybe I should go back again and try their fish and if that still sucks then yes there is really nothing good to eat.

I ordered a pork chop today and I don't know how they did it but the salty taste has evenly penetrated the entire piece. It is a piece of work, but just in a very unhealthy way. If I wanted overly sauced/salted food, I would go to Cheesecake Factory or somewhere. But when one can easily spend 50 and above for a meal without desert, it is a bit ridiculous that the food is on par with PF Chang's. I think I would rather lick my waitress than eating that pork chop. Amazingly, everything else on my dish was great, the lettuce or w/e that green leaf was, was fresh, the sauce was thick and yet refreshing. The drinks were delicious and the appetizer was unique. I guess it is at least consistent -- everything else is done with excellent standard but the food.

Of course one may say that we go to restaurants for the experience, hence the price and the sucky food. I do agree, if there were some sort of experience. It was overall just a new highly decorated yet another Hollywood restaurant stacked with some fit waiter/waitress. You can hardly call that an experience. I think you can get a better experience in a gay dive bar or a boutique gym's steamroom. What is worse is that on our left hand side, there was this korean chick who apparently enjoyed just a little bit extra champaign cocktail and laughing hysterically and talking in korean throughout our dinner. On our right hand side, ANOTHER korean chick, who looked like a miniature Michele Kwan (Don't know why, i just kept saying in my head, shut up michele kwan, shut up) lead a group of overweight mexican chicks who were oooing and wowing about sparkling water. Their leader, the korean chick just kept quaking about how this restaurant was supposed to be this celebrity infested hot spot, explaining how the painting of a ketchup bottle was consistent with the restaurant's name (OMFG you think?), and blah blah blah blah blah. Hot spot, maybe, celebrity? not really. Besides people, get a grip, celebrities are just people. I see George Clooney many many times in person and yes he is charming but he, I EMPHASIZE, doesn't have a 3rd leg or 2nd head. I don't know why suddenly people feel literally superior than others just because some celebrity eat or shit next to them.

But I had a very positive attitude toward my waitress because she was a such sweetheart, and she looked like someone from USC so I just felt keen toward her. I politely told her that the food was over salted and we for sure didn't want desert and tipped her 25%. So I think I was doing everything right in terms of etiquette.

After dinner, we went to Primo Cafe next door (I think it is called primo w/e). The waiter was really hot and dumb. He delivered and then took away our crepe after we cum all over it with ice cream, and then didn't know what coffee he was delivering. Again I laughed with him and made him talk to us a bit more. Did I mention he was hot. My friend who was also disappointed by Ketchup's salt-fest, cut off two chicks in front of the coffee shop so I had to apologize and then I proceeded stepping on them by accident.

In the middle of eating our desert and drinking our coffee, a really cute guy came in and setup his computer right across my table. So I was staring at him of course but then my eyes would wonder off 5 degrees to the left and look over his shoulder at those chicks that I stepped on. The girls got really confused after a while, they didn't know who I was checking out...

---

9pm soon arrived and my friend headed to club LAX to party and with my iron determination that was forged since Tuesday I didn't go clubbing. I just wanted to have a hearty meal and watch a movie this weekend. I REALlY had that craving. I guess you can call this bf/relationship craving? But either I am out of fashion or it is just a hint from life, that NO ONE had time or desire to do either. When I say hearty, I mean some small places that can fulfill my guilty pleasure for my stomach, not a place like Ketchup and then it totally disappointed. So by the end of the night I got neither...

Oh yeah I didn't win lottery yet again. grrrr...


----

Felt bad about being so bitchy, so in their defense, I wasn't all that sharp tonight either.
When I walked in the reception desk, instead of just saying my name and reservation, I first handed the valet parking ticket to the girls at the desk. Of course feeling dumb, I pulled the ticket back and laughed it off, "ha ha ha, silly me, you don't need that, ha ha... ha......ha.." Then I asked her what she said to me when she wasn't talking to me. more "ha ha ha"s... Also I guess I was checking out a waiter too much he actually came over and asked me if I wanted sparkling or bottled water. omg... sigh

You get what you paid for

I flip flopped the training schedule with my lovely trainer N 3 times throughout the day. Every time he picked up, he sounded as energetic as one can be. I felt really bad. But a portion of my muscle on the right side of my torso has been bothering me. It is a condition that started in my late college years. Seems that it was caused by prolonged period of sitting with bad postures. But I couldn't be sure, maybe it is something more dreadful... I will have to write another entry, which would be really dark, to explain what the more dreadful possibility is... So I decided to take today easy and told him to pull the session, which means I get charged, and we will just do the actually training sometimes later this week. 

Besides, Kee called me and asked me to check out her potential trainers. She works out at the 24 hour fitness gym located at Foothill, for those of you live near Pasadena area would know. She's been bugging me for a while about going and I have been pushing it off. But today I guess there was nothing better to do, so I might just as well check it out. Besides I can still do my cardio. 

We arrived... I wish that was the end of the story. But nope. Ok this place sucks balls. It smelled and lighting was like from the SAW's torture chambers, only two shades whiter. I know it was my hallucination but I swear I felt like the florescent light bulb was flickering above my head while I was running on the treadmill.  The ceiling around the cardio area was extremely low. Since my torso has been bugging me the whole day, I really wanted to stretch. One upper cut move almost knocked the light bulb off the ceiling. So I just didn't want to get more distracted with all these high end decor, I started jogging. For a brief moment, well 20 mins, I was lost in my struggle with the time. However, once finished, I was drawn back to this "gym".  There were a few cute guys, however, only fell loosely in 3 categories, 

1. barely legal high school seniors or community college freshman.

The fresh full face of pimples were like his ID cards. If he were anything but the above category, he needs to go find a good dermatologist asap. 

2. Rednecks. Redneck is like a profession. It takes a lot to just be a redneck I think. But redneck is usually kinda hot. They kinda elude the idea of mind blowing fuckings, especially those high powered ones, like how they would pick you up and fuck you against a wall and you will cum without ever touching the floor? yeah..

3. Young professionals. Not Yuppies. I think they look like sales. I usually see that kinda body on those kinda guys at a car dealership. 

Anyways... I did run into a coworker which was kinda weird. Considering how cocky he talks, in a way, I would imagine his ego would suffocate to death in this place. But he looked happy. 

So I ended up training Kee. She is a skinny girl but apparently with extremely high body fat %. Several exercises already made her cry. So we stopped right there. She, under my instruction, was the only girl in the weight room doing good exercises, which was kinda cool. Oh yeah the weight room smelled like old and chilled sweat. But I promise you that you will not smell it anymore after 40 mins. yes it does take that long. Chilled sweat is like chilled liquor, the taste is much more long lasting and pleasant in its own right.

I guess I started bitching a bit. Kee said "you get what you pay for". I was just glad I was there on a visiting pass to check out her potential trainers, which never happened. Indeed. My gym isn't too far away from this place. It is located on the second floor of Paseo Plaza and this branch is actually considered the shittiest branch in entire LA by this chain. Even then, it is clean, usually wealthy professions work out over there, a bit gayer, and hotter trainers. Yes they also provide unlimited towels. 

But sometimes, I think about how much I spend on my gym and what I really get, it doesn't really make sense either. I mean if we really look at this, we are just lifting weights. I would lift milk cartons at home. Those Costco sized plastic ones are pretty heavy you know. But does unlimited towels, cleaner environment, better views, a shit load of plasma TVs and cooler crowds justify the 6 folded price tag. Or is it just a mid life crisis validator. Since it is a gym, it is health related, I can get ripped off to be pretentious and feel great about it. I don't know. I always wanted to quit this gym but after I visited the Foothill branch of 24 Fitness, I suddenly realized how spoiled I was already with the condition at my gym. Working out after a 10 hours day is already as hard as it is; working out in a shit hole after 10 hours working is just self torture. I guess I can't quit my gym anytime soon... that is almost for sure. Now I can only find a good reason to kiss my trainer goodbye for a cheaper one. Maybe that new Joe I mention about before... he is new so he must be cheap. For his price tag I can get almost two times more training!!! darn... but I don't think Joe would let me feel his abs and flirt with him with anal sex "innuendos". Yes believe it or not I could be subtle sometimes. oh well in my own world anyway.  

Is gossip gay nature or human nature

One unrelated news...

I listen to cnn.com live news everyday and I am in love with the two anchors, Nicole Lapin and Reggie Aqui. They are both young and pretty and I choose to believe that Reggie is gay.  Anyways, I was listening to McCain's speech regarding foreign policy and wrote a comment regarding his speech on the "your voice" box right below the streaming video player. About 30 mins. later, Nicole was covering the speech and read three comments from the viewers and the third one was MINE. It was so awesome. 

"and David wrote......... thank you for your comments and please submit your thoughts and comments in our sound off section. You can get the latest news on TV, on your computer or your cellphone, thank you for watching." 

Awww how sweet. I know I know. It is not like I wrote an article and got published. And my four sentence comment has been edited down to two. But still kinda like a little treat of the day.

Now to the post....

I was about to blog this experience anyway, but didn't expect the little unpleasant twist at the end. Let's get the good stuff first. 

Well there were five gays who went out partying last Thursday and Friday. It was really fun, no hookups, but at least eventful. Tigerheat was sweaty, full of hot boys, and I got to dance with some interesting people. 

There was this one guy,

my height, skinny, white and had wavy long hair. He had a very structured face and narrow face span. His long curly hair styled to fall sideways to cover part of his eyes. It was a sexy look. He was sweaty and yet smelled good. I saw him and he saw me. We started dancing together. Slowly we got closer, hands roamed. He had a hard body. Not worked out type. I think the reason he felt hard and fit is solely because he has low body fat %. We squeezed each other, felt each other, and breathed into each other. About 30 mins later. I leaned in to give him a kiss. He kissed but no tongue. We danced two more songs and I realized he had a female friend nearby. Good dance, kiss with no tongue. It was time to finish it. We gave each other a hug I said "you are cute". 

"you are really cute too."

I moved back and forth, in and out of my 5 gays group. Danced the night away. I was exhausted. 

--

Second night, we went to the Abbeys then Eleven cross the street. I met one of the bloggers' friend at the bar. He had this cute brazilian female friend.  Yes, she wasn't as skinny as a super model. But she was curvy and sexy. Most importantly, bitch knows how to have a good time. We kinda hit off instantly. If she didn't have this annoying 5'5" coworker jumping around it would have been even better. We danced, we talked and we laughed throughout the night. Her face was marble white with a healthy pinkish glow. Makeup was done just right. Her two big eyes were definitely inviting. Naturally all the hot gays would stop and talk to her. I got her number and we sure will go out together again in West Hollywood pretty soon. When we danced all of our energy away we parted ways and we gays went to have pizza. 

That was it.

Now the bad stuff. 

Today however, I just heard that, apparently that night, I "was making out with a fat chick the whole night."

Not only it wasn't true but how offensive that sounded. I didn't know any of the gays well at all before Thursday. Met one twice, two once, and two for the very first time. I had high regard for one of them just because he had so much accomplishment in the field that I am interested in. Not necessarily that I wanted to go that path but I know how hard it is to make it at that young age and how smart he is. That was the background of this group. Basically five strangers, occasional online chat buddies...  

Gossip, the guilty pleasure of life. But I guess there are two kinds. One is to spread information without one's consent, the other is to spread false information without consent. I think most people would do or at least have done the first type. How many of you have done the second? I personally haven't done so because that doesn't seem to fit in my philosophy. MAYBE because I haven't met someone I just really don't like THAT much or I am not old enough to be indifferent about people and things. I am very compassionate and considerate one's feelings regardless how much I dislike that person. There is a history behind this odd behavior and I think I may blog about it soon... 

Anyways, this little gossip piece is not gonna make a dent on my evening or on me in any way. However, it is like being pooped on by bird. It is still an unpleasant event that is only kinda funny when it doesn't really happen to you.

Some random things

I called in sick today coz my throat hurts. So after I woke up at 11:30am, I proceeded my day with hot guy drooling on connexion.org and shared pictures of hot guys that I was drooling over with my Vice President on AIM. 

Ok Connexion.org is such a crazy place. I wonder if they screen their members and delete all the ugly people's profile when they don't pay attention. I wonder how long my profile will be up there till it is kicked off by the beauty police. It is so scary how MOST of these people look. Yet even more surprising is that these people are supposedly living nearby. I was put into a very weird place. Most of them seem to be out of my league. I mean look at their pictures! They are jet setting to France and Italy spending their summers with a gaggle of model looking friends. When they aren't, they would produce head shot pictures that are than a lot of people's professional pictures, with you guessed it, just a cellphone! All i can see was lots lots 6 packs and giant chests. I mean what is this, did America finally become fit? Or we are just having an extreme case of fat polarization? So we get these mammoth 300+ people walking around then we have these 5% body fat gay painting the town red. I was just roaming and roaming. Sigh... My mom should have not married my dad because imho my dad looks pretty ugly. Anyways, these are some local guys. omfg....

Yes my throat was hurting and I ate some medicine and felt a bit dehydrated. But after seeing these, what choice do I have except to go to the gym?

So I went to the gym. Run run run... run run run, ok about to die, now lift lift lift. However, I have to say I was welcomed with a little surprise. A brand spanking new trainer named Joe. He is this 6'2" blond super athletic built frat bro type of guy who seemed to be very good in bed. So after doing some inclined bench press I racked up the weight a bit and trying to look all tough. He offered spotting services. How can I say no.

"you are a new trainer here!"

"oh yeah my name is Joe. Nice to meet you. So you have been here a while huh is that how you know the new people in and out"

"Yeah I have been here for a year and I train with N"

"oh N. great trainer."

"oh yeah N is great, very down to earth very knowledgeable, and most importantly very gay friendly. There are a lot of gays here in this gym, myself included, so that is very important. If you treat everyone equally you are gonna make good money."

"oh yeah? so there are people who aren't cool with gays?"

"oh i am sure there are some. but anyways, thanks for the help."

So we parted our ways briefly and he came back later to help me with another set of bench. We talked a bit more. He was actually an athlete trainer who specializes in power lifting and acceleration etc. So his training increases the capability of one's body to handle more physical challenges and build muscle mass in short period of time. He of course himself is an athlete who plays football, soccer, rugby, baseball, and basketball. When he said rugby, I repeated "oh rugby." And I had an instant imagine of Ben Cohen the super hunky rugby player from England. I filtered myself so I didn't mum out something like "oh Ben Cohen, famous rugby player, super hot."

After gym, I met up with friend K and had some deep conversation and Sea Urchin Spaghetti topped with soft scrambled eggs. It was DELICIOUS!!

Anyways, today it s pretty superficial. I tried to be more cultured by watching Sally Kern's dialogue regarding why gays are cancers to our society, only to find out that the only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to maul her face off and make it a cum rug. It can't be good for my sleep. So I am keeping today superficial as it is I guess.

Straight club sucks fucking balls. period.

Not just that I don't feel that I belong but also the people are fucking assholes. My friend got yelled by a fucking 5'3" bitch and then I got shout at by the douchebag bartender. Yes I made a mistake but when I was about to correct it and give him what he asked for, all he wanted was to tell me to fuck myself. Alright, you get nothing then bitch, I mean I am sorry that you are born to be a mistake and become a fucking bartender. Fuck I am so pissed. God my friend owes me a big one! arrrrgggg

why blog

I just stumbled upon Tim's blog once again. He did his last post last December and the reason for that is that he came out and life suddenly changed and the original purpose of his blog pretty much evaporated.

I just want to write this to reflect this resonating phenomenon. I started this blog to vent all the things that happened in my life. It was a bit dark because I wasn't happy and I couldn't come out. I wanted a anonymous outlet for me to be as negative as I can. I think everyone has his/her dark side and as "dudes" we were taught not to cry and not to complain. With being in the closet and all, not to cry and not to complain wasn't even a dude thing anymore. It was just not an option to express that side of me. So after a while that baggage took a huge tow on everything else in my life. Everything wasn't as exciting as it was supposed to be and in many ways I was depressed. I think by reading back, I could see a lot of frustration and depression hinting here and there in my posts. However, that was extremely healthy the time being because I can be as a nervous wreck I wanted to be on my blog just so that all that frustration can be let out a little bit. I think in a lot of ways, blogging really helped me dealing certain things better. Coming out was definitely because of this blog. It is like working out and weight loss. You have a much better chance of achieving it if you keep a journal of what you do and eat. Coming out was the same deal. I got to see how frustrated and pathetic I was if I continued to force myself in the closet. The more I wrote about how great if I could come out, the more comfortable I got with that idea. So every time I wanted to come out, the idea of doing it seemed to be less scary. Then, I came out with the first friend and the ball started rolling.

Despite the fact that I came out to all my close friends, I kept on blogging. Probably still sounded a bit wrecked here and there. I didn't know the reason after I solved the mystery. Basically I was still frustrated that my folks didn't know. I went back to China after graduation and talked to several closer family members and on several occasions I almost came out but ended up not to. Now in retrospect, I am very happy that I didn't because coming out to my mom first was the proper way of dealing this. It would be just so wrong if she had to find out about it via some gossip within the family and then she probably would have had a harder time dealing with the initial shock.

So finally came out to my mom by the end of the summer. Everything changed. I felt like my life is normal now. All I had to do was just living it. There was no more need to linger around the blogsphere to seek the possibilities of freedom per se. I stopped reading blogs, writing blogs, and talking to bloggers. I was ready to quit blog like how I quit the stupid game WoW in my Junior year in USC. It became a bit cold turkey.

After a long hiatus and some half assed updates. I really wanted to continue to blog for a different reason. I felt that only when I decided to move on, this blog would never move on and it would be gone. So I guess the blogging material has changed a bit. I think that it is important for me to blog. I want to keep track of my life. I want to keep some sort of record with the people and things that shaped me and affected me. It is sort of a prove that I have been in this world. Something written like a contract. I am living my life, and on top of that I want it to be written in my own term as well. I think once I changed the reason for blogging, this blog actually survived its drought.

All in all, I think blogging is fantastic. God knows how it helped so many people dealing with messy issues that people just didn't know where to start. right?

Here is a picture for half naked thursdays haha. I am gonna start doing it.

I am sorry the mailbox is full

Yeap you bet your ass it will be.

The bigot Rep. Sally Kern from Oklahoma said the following,




Yes, it is shocking and disgusting. It is just so frustrating when all we want is to be treated equally with respect and then we have people like this holding public offices still spread such animosity to the public. I just don't understand how people could be so twisted...

So, for once, I feel good about what Perez Hilton has to say. He suggested that we should all call in her office and leave our opinions. I called Sally Kern's office and ready to leave her a message. The mail box is full and I can't leave a message. I hope this youtube video catches more fires and really let the public see what kinda bigot they elected in their state.

life doesn't stop

My life has been pretty routine. Routine is a good thing in many ways. It reinforces discipline. But routine is also dreadful, boring, and scary at the same time. I have been working, then working out, then sleeping everyday. It feels pretty mechanical. However, I am comfortable to do so because I still feel that I am not going to do this for the rest of my life. The unsettling feeling, the drive to continue to move forward has never weakened even though the routine has pretty much settled in my life. I think I would be pretty scared one day that I feel content at what I am doing. I think I would be scared to feel content at any moment for that matter. Being content means you have reached the top and the only thing left to do is to wait till death slowly arrives. That, is pretty scary.

As everyone, including myself, settling into routines after routines, life does however changes in many major ways. You could really see it and feel it if you just stop for a second and look at what has become routine that were never there before. Then you wonder, how the hell did it come to this point.

--

A really close friend of mine got into a heated argument with me about half year ago and we stopped talking for 5 months. I felt like that we reached a point where we are all old enough to have too much self respect to tolerate stupid nonsense from each other. She knew what she wanted and I knew how I wanted to be treated. So I was ready to move on. She wasn't going to apologize and i wasn't going to talk to her untill she does. Yeah sounds immature. But let's just say that I really had my reasons. What really pissed me off was that out of all the possible scenarios, she chose to believe that I overacted due to my jealousy. Anyways... so we stopped talking for 5 months. I thought I was fine. I mean I was busy with all my routines, work, working out, going out, random sexes (not as much as I should have though), snowboard... whatever that the so called life has to offer. I thought I totally moved on. However, about 1 month ago, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about her subconciously. Three weeks ago, I had a dream in which we were hanging out like the old times. We laughed and laughed. We laughed so hard that our abs were having a good workout. That is really how we used to laugh and it felt so good in the dream. My dream ended in laughters and when I woke up, the sense of satisfaction and happiness still lingered. 2 hours later at work, I saw her name on msn messager. So I was like what the hell, I should really follow my heart. So I said hi and she replied instantly. I told her about my dream and she responded with her cute attitude. Everything felt good. Our conversation was short and sweet and I was really happy that whole day.

--

She called me today at lunch time. i didn't recognize the number but I knew that voice the first second I heard it. She just came back from Asia and she was really tired. So I told her to call me anytime soon to hang out.

Since we stopped talking, I have wondered what she was up to occasionally. Did she take the job from Dior? Is she still with her not so impressive boyfriend? I didn't ask any of those questions in our brief conversations online or on the phone.

Another friend of mine recently told me that she was still with her boyfriend due to her updated pictures on facebook. I actually checked her profile one day before my friend told me that and her status was "single" when I checked. Today when I logged on again, it's changed to "engaged". Then I checked her pictures. Apparently, she didn't not only go to Asia for vacation but also has brought her boyfriend back to her home and met with her parents. I was a bit startled. I have really examined our rocky relationship from our small arguments here and there to that big confrontation. Was I jealous of her boyfriend? Was I dissatisfied with the lack of attention that I once commanded from her? After some soul searching, I can confidently say it is neither. I think if I had a sister, it'd be just like her. She is probably the only person that I can truly say that I will not get jealous of. I don't know. I guess if you really love someone, that love can really be unconditional. I think I really did have a little bit taste of how having siblings feels, or maybe even how being a parent feels. Maybe that is why I was so mad that she accused me of being jealous since I felt all along that both of us knew jealousy would be the most unlikely issue between us.

So why does the "engaged" status bother me? After all, it is facebook. People engaged each other all the time. I mean if I take that seriously, I might just as well take John McCain seriously. I guess suddenly I felt a bit old. I felt the routines in my life and the decisions that I made have affected my life. The youngest in my group that I have ever known has just introduced her boyfriend to her parents and possibly got engaged over a winter trip. The baby is doing something so ... mature? I don't want to use the word mature because I think mature is peace of mind; it is a mental stability that can only come with experience and age. I guess the right description should be "adult like"? It is mature but it is kinda like an act. Anyways that is besides the point. If I had hopes about of us getting back to how we used to be, like the almost nine years that we have known each other, are all lost. People are truly moving on to all directions as they age and everything is bound to change. It is like how we are created. A sperm and an egg get together then the cell start to split split and split. It is inevitable and the result is something alive. I guess it is good?

--

Tomorrow is V-day. Inevitably I feel a bit down since I do not have a Valentine. I actually never had a valentine. Before coming out it is the struggle of just balancing a normal life; after coming out, it is the struggle of not having casual meaningless sex. What I really want is someone who can make me feel safe. I think I have always felt like everything will inevitably change no matter how hard you try and relationship is something that is working against this nature of human being. In that sense I have no faith in relationship and despite that I may appear to be very friendly and confident at times, I feel so fragile inside. I need someone to show me that change is not a route that we have to go down no matter what happens. I need someone to show me that peace of mind or least to bring that hope. Living in LA, without that blind confident and faith, plus the perpetual self-doubts, esteem issues, it is just really tiring sometimes. As the night approaches, my hope seems to be so fragile and naive.

A poor night of sleep >_<

Well, drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato at 11pm is not a good idea.

I don't know what it was. Maybe the coffee, or maybe the new workout routine that drained me, I couldn't really rest easily in my bed at 2:00am in morning. Or maybe because for some strange reason I decided to sleep nude. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't able to sleep till 3:30am in the morning. I think I finally dozed off around 4am. Then I spent the next 3 and half hours to create one of my most disturbing, absurd, and bloody dreams in my life. I mean I have had plenty very graphic and violent dreams that seem to be very random and unsettling. But I don't think I am an aggressive person and I definitely DO NOT have killing potentials. But some of my dreams just kinda scare myself. They kinda make you wonder, WHERE THE HELL did that come from. Very creepy.

This dream... I still remember some of the details.

Basically it was a group adventure that has gone wrong. You know, like the Hostel or SAW series. There were about 4-6 people in the group, whose faces were really not recognizable. All I remembered was there there were white and Asian girls and guys in this group and we were having an adventure. Then we were chased off by a horde of sword wielding people who vowed to catch us and prosecute us. So we ran. Then there was this room we saw after running a long time and we went in. We couldn't go further and the army approached. Suddenly, I discovered a seal. Well more like a giant tarot card that had some Asian symbols on it. I thought it was Chinese. So I put this card in the middle of the door, and the card split into 10 and formed a long card tape that shielded us from the army. The leader of the army was visibly upset and didn't want to give up. His face was bloody red with bulking giant eyes that were half popped out that round red balloon like face. He stopped the army. Although angry and determined he didn't move forward. Then I realized that the card was actually a some sort of curse. Unless we figured out a way to wield the cards, they were going to kill us. The cards made noise and started to make its killing rounds. Somehow the whole process is more like a music chair. There were sound and the cards move then one person in my group would die violently once the sound is gone. You know it is like a mechanical reaper that randomly chopping people's head off. It was chaotic, scary and bloody. All I remembered was blood was going EVERY WHERE. By the 3rd round, we somehow ended up in a bath tub and pan sized blood clogs sprang out of nowhere and started to flood the tub and drowning us. The last person who died was a girl and I remembered seeing her laying there pale. Then I woke up feeling distraught and dizzy. It was approximately 7:10am.

So can you even imagine how I felt the whole day...

I don't know. I blame it on CNN. As much as I LOVVVEE their live video news with all these fabulous looking anchors, I really do not like the news I hear everyday. I mean seriously let me just do a quick recount of what I heard for the past week:

• Primaries (ok this one is fun, I love it and I love the debates etc but I think it is still high stress level kinda of a news)


• Pregnant marine was murdered by a fellow marine who allegedly raped and killed her and now is on the run in Mexico.


• Kenya's controversial election that started this nationwide uproar that has killed hundreds of people and it seems that there is no end to it any time soon.


• 25 year old hiker was killed AND Decapitated by a 60 year old freak while she was on a simple hike.


• American dollars have been weakening, I mean it is stressful right?


• A dude named Mark Jenson who allegedly poisoned his wife to death so that he could start a new marriage. Oh that only that his wife refused to die, so he sat on her and put a pillow over her face till she suffocated to death. Allegedly of course.


• Death tow still rising for our troops.


• Blasts that kill 6 injured 20 something as Bush left Saudi for peace talks.


• Gaza riot, missile tossing, death.

I don't know. As I prepare the statement for the rich and privileged, and listening to these beautiful anchors reporting the breaking news all over the world, somehow all I can hear and see is tragedy.

It is quite stressful I would say. So I guess I really can't blame it on CNN, I blame it on humanity.

---

On a different note, this is my future husband and he just doens't know it yet.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/aqui.reggie.html

Is it too late to make a resolution? lol

Well my first one will be "blogging more". haha..... i know right.

I don't know what is with the laziness lately. I think I can safely blame this on work. I get off work around 6 and get to the gym around 7 then head home around 830. Once home I eat and play some video games etc it'd be around 10:30 to 11;00 and it is about time to sleep. On the weekends I usually go out or snowboard.

Talking about snowboarding! I have gone twice this season and the second time I made a great improvement. Now I can switch from heel to toe position... well 5 times in total in 3.5 hours last time I went lol... It is STILL progress! As long as I make improvements I am happy. I have my whole life ahead of me to constantly make improvements in everything that I do right? Now I wish SoCal could be colder and rain more in the winter so that we could have much more snow to play with. Slushy and icy slopes are just kinda painful to look at and to fall on. Also I wish that I had a place up there so we don't have to rush to the mountain early in the day and come back around 11pm at night. Though the view is so beautiful at night. Looking down from the mountain slopes, you can see millions of lights clustered together in the Los Angeles general area. It looks awfully peaceful. It is quite soothing for a long day of snowboarding. Well but we all know it is probably anything but peaceful, I am sure shit loads of people are fucking their brains out while I am mesmerized by their household lights.

My friendship with my director has gone on really well. Actually I heard he is the VP now. That I will have to confirm with him. We went out to dinner last Friday again. I had veal piccata and it was really good plus it was free lol~~~. I kinda treat him like my gay dad and we talk about everything from dating, sex, and cleansing.. lol~~~~~~~~~ yeah it was a very hilarious conversation and I liked how he kept drinking more Scotch every time i ask another question. He bought a really nice place in West Hollywood and his guest parking has been very useful. Now I can always park for free when I am in the gay central! It is such a relief considering I already got 3 tickets in this stupid city -o-.....

As you can tell my post has been random and tame. It is really how I feel about my life right now. Days just kinda go on and it never feels more like life. Kinda routine, kinda comforting and yet kinda scary. I really don't want to turn into a cow..

---

I have officially established a fuck buddy relationship with this Hispanic guy. I guess as we fuck more I really have to express more about what I WANT during sex. He is always kinda in a hurry kinda guy which is never too good for the bottom boy =/.

Oh I also hooked up with a friend's friend to whom I am not attracted to all that much in terms of establishing a relationship. But fucking wise? I think he is pretty good, he actually knows what he is doing and usually can finish the job with some good twists...

Yet again and again, as I mentioned many times before, they don't seem to bring on the thrill. I think I am still very fond of the idea of a hot boyfriend who can cook. Don't ask me about the cooking part I just think getting taken care of is very important lol. But I can't complain too much. It never hurts to have more gay friends I guess. This friend of a friend is very friendly and knows a lot of people in the gay clubs. Of course he also knows where the parties are so I guess it is beneficial.

Talking about going out...

I went to Abbey's on Saturday night. Well I tried to go to Abbey. The line was more than a block long and people were still pouring in. It didn't look like there was a special event or anything. I felt kinda bad because the friend of a friend was there with his friend around 930 and I got to the line at 11pm. So I called them and they actually came out and decided to go somewhere else. I think I have mentioned his friend before. He was this half Asian half black guy who looked pretty hot. He came in town for some LA party tonight. Last time we were flirting back and forth like crazy and this time I just wanted to fuck. According to others he was interested. Stupid me that I actually thought it'd be a done deal. So we went to this club called Factory and started dancing over there. We were touching and dancing. Talking dirty a bit. But then as the night went out, I realized that he was just being very friendly instead of sexual. So when I asked him when he wanted to leave he said he wanted to stay and there were lots guys, I kinda got the hint. Dang dang dang, rejections. sigh.... so sad. So I immediately left him alone. He then went around as usual... without his tank top... dancing with his gigantic chest... Well fuck it, you know what he DOES wear sunglasses in a night club so maybe it is really not that big of a loss...

So I went around the club and determined to have a good time. On the other hand, friend of a friend was very horny and begged to fuck the whole night. I think I was clearly not interested ESPECIALLY after I got rejected. So whenever he leaned in for a kiss or something I kinda just stood there. Walking around I saw this guy who had nice chest and wearing a baseball cap. I thought he was pretty hot and went for a conversation. Of course I am half legally blind and I refuse to wear a pair of glasses in a club! So when I got up to him I realized he had gray beard.... But I was there already, so I think I will just be friendly and leave. I asked him if he wanted to dance and he said no thank you. I was like omfg screw you grandpa. You know it is the worst when you are just being nice and then they have that Hotter than Thou attitude. You can't have tha attitude when you have salt and pepper beard. God I felt so cheap. So I just decided to dance the night away with friends. It was a better choice actually... Since I had so much sexual tension AND frustration built up I was very energetic. The gays kept offering me drugs. I dont know... Can't people rock out sober? Well apparently not, I think 70% of the crowd was on something.... OH yeah , there was this suppppeeerrrr hot guy who danced like a pop star, absolutely stunning. He had a bunch gay friends dancing along with him. I was around and talking to the hot guy's friend and saying how good he danced. Then his friend handed me a card, which reads "explicit strippers"... Well that explains his professional skills... He was also on a cocktail. Apparently the Gatorade that he was drinking was a mixture of Gatorade, alcohol, Ecstasy, and some other flavorful candy.

I danced and danced, shirt off without knowing how and when. When I checked time again, it was 5:00am... So I bid farewell to my friends and drove home. Tired as fuck and couldn't sleep. So I hooked up with my hands and play some video game and eventually passed out around 7 AM...

Story of my life sigh -_-....