Up and down

For the past 3 weeks, I have been going to the clubs every Saturday, and usually out and about having a good time hanging out with friends all the time.  The height of my happiness peaked out last weekend. 

On Friday I went to this guy's place for some sex.  We've been talking to each other for a while and he was persistent.  He has a nice body and good height but seemed to have cocaine eyes in the picture.  Lucky for me, it was just a bad picture.  He still has that amazing body but much cuter in person.  He lives in downtown in a loft that he just purchased.  It was an amazing loft and his decoration was very appropriate.  It was chic, modern and still has the sense of good old home feeling to it.  He is successful and busy with healthy activities.  I was very impressed by all this.

Also, he had an 8" inch thick rock hard dick. After chatting briefly we started to make out very passionately.  He was a bit aggressive on the tongue action but it was hardly a flaw.  Most importantly, he gave the best sexual experience I have ever had.  He went very slow and made sure I felt comfortable.  It was challenging to take that 8" but because of his careful moves and slow motion, it was a bit pain and pleasure all mixed up together and I couldn't wait to shove more of that meat inside of myself.  It was so thrilling.  He fucked me on my back for a while and then all of sudden with one swift motion, lift me up and laid down.  I then started to ride his cock furiously.  It was really good and I felt sexy and powerful.  I truly applaud his skill to be a top.  I really think being a top doesn't mean you always have to be the one in control in the action, rather, be the director of the motion and let everyone involved to play their part.  I felt in control yet being controlled and it was such a refreshing feeling.  Before I could enjoy this ride longer, I shot all over his chest.  Instead of mauling my ass open, he acknowledged that it'd be kinda unpleasant to fuck me once I came, so he pulled out and shot all over my cock.  For the very first time, I felt enough care and attention from a hookup.

We chatted some more afterward and he kept leaning in to kiss me and said he had so much fun that we had to do this again. 

I got home around 12:00am and texted him saying it was a great time and hopefully we could hang again.

He probably went to sleep by then, so I got a text message the following day saying "yes, it was so much fun, we have to do it again."

I was really happy.  Finally I find someone who is amazing at sex and not a loser at all.  But I guess I was over optimistic.  I texted him on Tuesday saying if we could hang out this weekend and I haven't got a reply even today.  He didn't even text back saying anything, I guess that "we have to do it again, was merely a thank you have a good life."  I was actually really disappointed by this outcome and it really tempered my mood since Tuesday.

Saturday I went clubbing with my best friend at a straight club again.  It was so much fun, and we danced a lot.  Her friends were all really easy going and she got really drunk. I on the other hand just enjoyed this easy going night with these good people around.  I got home around 530am.

Woke up around 9:30 am headed to a paid area south of Laguna beach with my cousins.  Beach was nice and all since no one was there but the beach was full of rocks and I felt like my feet would eventually sever from my legs if I go in the water more than once.  But it was fun regardless. 

Monday, my happiness ended, and my life kinda took a drastic temporary turn downhill.  I got extremely busy and worked out on Monday. It was 10:10pm when I got home. How depressing... Then Tuesday my Mr. 8" ignored me. 

Now today, work sucked ass. One of the project I was doing just wasn't right for me today.  I couldn't interpret it correctly and the manager was over the top sarcastic for some reason.  Maybe because I was already in a bad mood or maybe he was just busy but overall we pretty much had a bit cross fire in the morning and I just felt like shit for the rest of the day.  I feel like I am wasting my life.  This job, though I really can't complain about it too much since the hours aren't really that bad most of the time and the economy is in the toilet,  it is really not something I find intellectually challenging.  Most importantly it is not something I wanted to do with my education nor it is something I find so interesting that I would give it a shot.  But as for now I really can't do too much.  I still haven't hit my 1 year mark since I started working here and I still at least need to pass CFA test 1 so that I have something extra on my resume to move on.   But I am getting home earliest @ 8:00 pm nowadays for at least another week and latest pass 10:00 pm, as much as I hate to admit it, I really can't find the will power to continue to study for another hour or two.... sigh this prospect just makes me feeling ill.  

Besides, I still haven't got over Mr. 8" as for now...

The ups and downs, they come so quickly and gone so fast at the same time.  I just feel like I am being raped by life, something you can't defy, yet can't say you don't find pleasure in the process. 

Work

Is work so important or it is simply for one's survival.

I think when work becomes a living entity that swallows you, then it is important because apparently it is destroying you. The trade off? I usually don't see the trade off at all. We on average live about 65 years in America. Given, we don't die from deadly disease, suffer depression and commit suicide, accidentally killed by car accidents, drowning, sharks..., murdered, and for some, die at birth. I mean it is already a lot of precondition to just live normally really. So much work to live as it is. Then why shred your soul further to just live?

I talked to a good friend from college yesterday online. Conversation wasn't too long but sincere nevertheless. Pleasantry quickly exchange and the rest was just important substance. 

"Hey how have you been!"

"omg L (you can tell this is me, I kinda say omg a lot.) I called you! Finally!"

"Yeah I am good."

"Work is getting better?"

"nope. I think I am suffering depression."

"hmm that is not a laughing matter and I don't think you are joking."

"yeah for the past two weeks, I finish work everyday @ 7am. I am so tired all the time."

"You know I really worry about you. Btw by all means, see a therapist immediately if you even suspect you are suffering depression. Nothing is worthwhile if you are going to endanger your health and life."

"I know, I probably will..."

"Have you thought about changing jobs? I mean we kinda often lose sight when we are put in a hyper competitive environment. It would seem that this is the only way and any other option would spell failure. It especially holds true for competitive people like you."

"Yeah i know... I am thinking about changing job in two years. So almost finished the first year, 1 year to go."

"Yeah just hold on to it and change it when you can."

"NY offices already started interview process."

"I am not sure NY is better for you, isn't that even more stressful?"

"oh I mean people working in NY offices are looking for another job already. Oh god no, if I go to NY, I would jump off a building pretty soon... D I am getting so fat... I try to squeeze in a workout here and there but never wake up on time.  I just feel like I am fucking up at work all the time too."

"Just relax on the workout now, what you need is to sleep whenever you can. You are killing yourself you know. I am sure you are doing a fine job. I worked with you and you've got it. We can be our toughest critics especially people like you. Relax won't be the end of the world."

"Yeah I know I try. When are you coming up and visit?"

"I don't want to because then you will have to spend time with me. Just sleep when you have free time. When you have a weekend off, come back here, we will go have korean bbq at that place again. We will have fun and rewind, promise :p"

"haha, I know I miss that. if you want to you can really come up and visit."

"sweety you need rest not guests! but if you really want me to go up there just call me. My schedule is way flexible than yours, so you let me know."

We talked a bit more about relationship and she told me I should go to San Francisco because there is a lot NICE gays up there and she would introduce me. Aww so sweet. 

I just think no matter how great the company is, this job is a scam. They abuse these new graduates like slaves in the name of competition and only a small amount of these people would make to the top and still healthy. 

50 million a year when you are 45 sounds great but then it is not really all that great if you are going to have strokes once every two years accompanied with extremely bad heart condition. Then what are we living for. There is only so much money can buy you know and I am not even talking about happiness. arggg.

---

On a lighter note, my sex on Sunday wasn't 100% and all but there was this one hot moment. His closet was covered by two piece of mirror. So when we were doing it, it was as if we were watching a home made porn. I was more into my position than the sex. I was looking at my body where was toned where needed more work. Was I flexible enough.... I have to say I was satisfied with myself. I already find peace that I will never have a model body then let's get the best out of the situation right? hahaha -_-'''....

The Heat

These past two days have been hot. Yes, my wish has been granted. I hated the chilly weather for the first 3 days in this week and I was grumpy. I was mad at god or whatever that is controlling the weather. I whined and whined about the weather as if I was promised to have a good weather for my birth. But alas, I didn't ask for heat waves like this. It is just mid-April folks and it has reached a freaking 100 degrees here in LA already...

Anyways let me talk about my little weekend. It was eventful yet uneventful and overall a bit depressing at the end because of my weird logic.

Friday

Kee invited me to go to this Yacht party last week and I was pretty excited about it. I even planned to shop for some shirts to attend. Turns out I didn't get time to shop, also there was no Yacht and party was hosted at a steakhouse near the beach area. Too far of a drive and didn't sound all that fun. So I passed on the opportunity. I hung out with Kee quite a bit for the past 2 weeks and it got QUITE boring again. Kee is all around fun gal to hang out with, just not more than two weeks. There is nothing in her head except for sex, guys, shopping, and her boyfriend. She doesn't read news, doesn't care about current event, has no hobby, and just overall not an interesting person once you peel off her pretty facade. I on the other hand has been a little bitch too. I refused to drive to anywhere that she invited me to go so when she wasn't driving I just kinda ditch. So we did our own thing this week and it was feeling kinda good to not to see her and listen to her broken record stories about his bf B. 

So I thought about going to hookah and no one wanted to go. I felt exhausted toward the end of my work day and I thought, what the hell, I am going home first and take a nap and maybe later I would get a call to do something with someone.

Sleep-drove home, hit the sack, and passed out till 10pm. Woke up with a headache and deer in the head light demeanor I wandered downstairs and whined like a little boy for food. By the time I regained my consciousness, and fully fed as well, it was 11pm. No CALLS either. Just freaking fantastic. A bit depressed and annoyed, I logged online and started to talk to these two guys that I have been emailing back and forth. One was this Mexican waiter working in a very small restaurant in downtown area, low profile, career wise is anything but an aphrodisiac. But he talked in this cute fashion and I liked his responsiveness. The other was my prize money! He was this 23 year old guy from UCLA and total frat boy type. Tall (6'3"), built and lean (with picture and current weight 180lb). Did I mention I like big muscular and masculine guys? Yes I really do. So hot and our conversation went extremely well. I exchanged number with both and planned Saturday to meet the waiter and Sunday to meet the hunk.

Saturday

I went to Waiter's den. He was dog sitting for his friend who was in England at the time. Dog was cute, the waiter was ok. He was lean, not too dark, about 2-3 inches shorter than I was. But alas, I drove 20 mins to see this dude, I could compromise. Turned out he wasn't willing. We chatted here and there for like 1 hour and when I wanted to do something he said he was going to leave. Well I couldn't blame him for that because we planned to meet between 430 to 630 since he had a bday party to attend at 630. I got there pass 500, so when I wanted to do something it was already 600. Still I was kinda pissed. Considering in my mind I just compromised for the situation. But if he really wanted to, he would have done something already. He said don't worry we would probably meet again. I was thinking, yeah right, maybe in a mirror universe. Do you know how much the gas is in LA right now, 4 dollars a gallon plus the opportunity cost for 20 mins of driving! Also later I had a car scare... I almost got creamed by this giant bus. All this trouble, I would definitely not see him again. Deleted his number right away, went home, change and attended the ATTACK OF THE GAYS event.

I was invited by this older friend S, whom I met in my gym. He is one of the executive producer (logistic producer, not content) for one of the most popular TV Gossip Magazine Shows on one of the major networks. NOT TMZ, because that would be Harvey Levin, and that would be hot, he has these very cute minions running around in his studios.. ok off topic... Anyways, the event is called the Guerrilla Bars event, or the invasion of the gays. Gay guys would dress in a black shirt/tshirt and all go to one of the popular straight club/bars. The bar and club would not be notified in advance. Sounded pretty fun so I agreed to go. We first met up at his house for drinks. I walked in and I got a big surprise which definitely got me shy right away. There were already about 15-20 guys there. All were old enough to be my dad. I mean my friend S is in his mid 40s so technically he could have had me at 20 and it is totally legit. Naturally, all his friends were around his age. I felt a bit fish out of water not just because the age difference but also because I didn't know anyone! As I walked in, all heads turned and looked at me and I think i just died right there. Like a deer in the headlight again. These gays are all hmmm quality gays I would say? Middle class, well educated, focused, driven, and successful. But unfortunately, very seasoned. They lived through the 70s and 80s and I am just a gay deer newly out in the head light. 

After a brief talking with some of them, I got to know C, working for a giant health care company now. Used to work in the entertainment industry and in my company particularly on the corporate side before he left for health care. Also I talked to this guy R, who is currently working for one of the world largest international media/technology conglomerate. He is the head of the TV marketing. Funny part is that one of his current project's quarterly result would come to my company and fall in my lap and I would further process his work to produce the end-user product for the public. Small world ay?

The bar we went to was called Vive Lounge and it was a really nice place. What was absolutely hilarious was that there was a bridal dinner/party event. So we saw three giant tables of clueless straight people eating and drinking and ready to get their dance on soon at the dance floor. All of sudden, volla, 300 gays showed up dressed in black and start fucking voguing in their face. Finally my deer position was replaced by these poor souls. I didn't feel too bad because the bride... looked like the fucking bride of Chucky, as big as a sumo wrestler, started to poking her giant asses everywhere. It was a sight to behold. 

I was a bit disappointed. There were almost no guys in my age. Not like I would have hooked up with anyone, but I would like to have some fun and checking out hot guys. This time, I had to stay with my group because I am not into daddies. I didn't call them daddies just because I knew they were older, rather, some of them really looked like they were old enough to be my dad and beyond too and not in the hot way either. Ok I think I just sounded like someone who has something against old people. That is absolutely not true. I believe in aging gracefully and naturally. I think a guy who takes care of himself and ages with dignity is extremely sexy, especially the domesticated and family oriented type. In fact I wrote several entries regarding my big big crushes on older guys who already have some grey hair on their head. But when I go to a bar, I can't get blamed when I don't feel too excited to be surrounded by people are all just older. I really felt the disconnected when Like a Virgin was on. The older gays went nuts and voguing again. I found out that Like a Virgin came out one year after I was born sigh...

Ok I am sure there were some 30 year olds but I couldn't tell. 

I was determined to have a good time though. So I danced non-stop for 2 hours and had two drinks and felt dizzy. My friend S was nice enough to take me back to his place early. 

He said I could sleep there if I wanted to. At that moment, I knew what he wanted. He tried once  before... 

The first time I met S was through a french guy at the gym. S just broke up with his 4 year long boyfriend at that time and was ready to drink his sorrow away so we all went out to party. He at that time, also made the same offer to me that night and I politely refused. 

This time I was pretty dizzy from the drinks. Though I could definitely drive home, I felt bad for just leaving like this. 

For the record, I really don't find S attractive at all. He is too short and too chubby for my taste. Plus the age difference - I think he probably 45. He is however known to be genuine and sweet. His last boyfriend was this middle eastern guy who looked like he just walked out from a hardcore gay porn. He was oozing was sexual energy and his body was EXTREMELY sexy. His face was masculine and his gaze was deep and commanding. He had tattoos on his arm and he just looked so freaking hot. I definitely had a crush on this guy. But soon after he broke up with S, he stopped going to the gym in Pasadena and started to go to the one in Weho. 

Anyways, weighting in the pros and cons of staying and thinking I could say no anytime I want if he did something, there was really nothing bad if I stayed just a bit. 

But honestly, I really don't know what made me to make that decision. Here are the possibilities, 

1. Sympathy. He is mid-40. Broke up with someone who he probably thought would spend the rest of his life with. Working hard, and not dating. Lots of the gays who went to party tonight were couples and he wasn't with anyone. If I were him, is it really that much to ask for a young guy like me to just take a nap and cuddle? I really have nothing to lose and I am in control in this situation. A bit generosity would probably make the night perfect for him. 

2. Resonance. Similarly to possibility #1, I could imagine how he feels if I were him. I am afraid of being alone and I want a family very badly at age of 24 already. NO ONE wants to die alone. Being gay isn't our choice but how we live out our lives is really up to us. No one said that gays are bound to be childless and lonely. He is probably having or has already had those panic attacks many times throughout his life. Now on this bed, after a night of drinking in his mid-40s, having someone to sleep over and cuddle is probably just the thing he needed to feel positive even just for a little bit. 

3. Bitterness. I was bitter that stupid waiter didn't jump on me. Yes like I wrote before, when you get rejected you suddenly become interested. How pathetic. I was the one who quickly went through thoughts and judgements based on height, appearance, demeanor, education, career, train of thoughts, responsiveness, and personality in the first 5 mins we met AND MADE COMPROMISE thinking ok he was good enough to have some fun with and then got indirectly turned down. Now I am bitter. omg.... I need to get a grip.

4. Curiosity. I wanted to see how he would do it. Approach me, touch me, talk to me etc. How does he even begin to subtly seduce or ask shall we say for something sexual from someone who is not interested or too young or w/e....

So at the end I was in his bed. He cuddled me and we both actually fell asleep for about half hour. He then suddenly without saying much started to touch my crotch. Soon he was between my legs and blowing me. He was pretty good I have to say. He did everything oral, balls licking, rimming, flickering my thighs with his tongue. It was quite fun to be honest. It is true, once in the dark, everything is the same. Remember that scene from Sex and the City? where Samantha was fucking this 60 some guy for money and she said "he touched like a 40 year old, kissed like a 40 year old, felt like a 40 year old, but omg he has a 60 year old ass", she ran out after seeing that ass. Imagine if there weren't any ass sighting triggers she would have stayed with him longer. For me there was no scene on par with the ass-sighting. I could feel his chubby belly and chest. But overall, it was oral sex at its best. It was nothing but oral. Pure form of this sexual activity. I returned the favor for a little bit. I gave him head. His dick was actually pretty amazing. Long but not too long, thickness was just right and he was extremely hard. Also, he had these GIGANTIC balls. 

We didn't really have sex but after we both came we laid next to each other and talked for a while. About life and relationship what have you. I talked about those 4 potential possibility of why I stayed there in my own words and my own perspectives. He responded to them. I could tell he does want a family but given the background, I don't think he believes in gay family and he is in a way coping with this traumatizing realization as well.

Ok, maybe this is another prime example of me over analyzing. He probably fucked another 20 guys who are 18-22 in the past couple weeks or had crazy monkey sex with some middle eastern porn stars as far as I know. He probably is having a BALL and I am the one who thought he was all still kinda depressed by his situation. omfg, stupid me -_-.....

Before I left, he said oh you are a young charming sweet heart. Gay life can change people, don't change, just be the sweetheart you are. I know what he meant but I still dont know what to make of it... oh right before I left, I said I knew what you wanted the moment I walked in haha. He was jokingly said oh you bitch. But I wasn't sure if he was genuinely surprised or acted surprised...

On the way home, I texted UCLA hunk and asked him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday. 

Sunday

Today is shopping day. My friend Dodo, her friend Kevin and I went to Melrose. We were completely petrified by the heat as if it was our first day visiting a place this hot. Kevin bought a French bulldog at that petstore on melrose. Don't remember the name but it was supposed to be a bit celebrity studded place. The dog was 3,000 dollars, cute as a button and expense as hell. 

Meanwhile, I got UCLA hunk's text saying that he forgot that he had his nephew's bday party and apologized twice for not hanging out. I found that cute. We didn't really confirm the sunday fool around schedule yet he took it a bit serious. I liked that and I hope I could see him soon and have uninhibited monkey sex lol~~~ Also, I got a text from S asking me if I got home ok last night. 

Anyways, back to the shopping. AS broke AS I am, I bought a G-star short sleeve button up shirt, white, with two big pockets around the chest area. I would never touch those shirts on my own but dodo told me to try it on. It actually looked quite good. The cut was perfect around my shoulder and the back was fit. It was quite a nice surprise considering the other 4 items I picked out were all flops. It was also quite surprising at the cashier. It was 129 dollars! omg............ Too much ego to say no and too vain to reject a cute shirt, I happily took out my AmEx card... After that I bought another Marc by Marc cheap grey T, this one says "hardcore" in this very very light print cross the chest area. I guess this one would be off limit at work. I already made that mistake once... I wore this grey FCUK tshirt at work and I failed to notice that there was this slogan printed in purple saying "Cool as FCUK". I mean it was already bad enough and then it was interpreted by another coworker as a parody of Queer as Folks. JEEBUS PEOPLE...

Now I am home feeling like I had a heat stroke.... I want another medium sized Pink Berry like the one I had 3 hours ago.... Arrgggg So freaking hot. I think we would just all melt in August... weeee..

Updated the update

Update:

I now actually kinda forgot what I wanted to say. Well let's see.

I had brunch with a good friend from USC. He works for Goldman Sachs now. He is such a nice and smart guy that I can't stop having a bit crush on him. He sure doesn't look like an Abercrombie model but I would choose him over 80% of the guys that hops around in West Hollywood. We ate at Urth Cafe in West Hollywood. I ordered a salmon plate which was very delicious. We talked about career mostly for 3 and half hours. It was great to talk to him again. He told me that he just broke 3 digit hours in one week and he is absolutely high on adrenalent. He also told me about his 3 way making out at a party with 2 sororitee girls etc. I dont know it is just a good time talking to a nice friend. Half way through I noticed this girl who was in my class back then. She didn't remember me apparently because when I called out her name and said "you must not remember me", she replied with a big smile and said "of course I remember you". However she never called out my name so yeah.... of course she remembered me. But doesn't matter she is a very energetic girl and has a smile as bright as the sun. I like her. We talked more about career. Yeah I know we are very boring lol....

Anyways I think what I am doing right now at my current company is ok. But it is not something I want to do. The knowledge is highly untransferrable and the longer I stick here the more I am limiting myself in terms of bankability. Every person is a piece of asset and you definitely want to be the one that fits in many different environment. So I will have to really start doing some hardcore studying and making a move in my life and change it before it sets its little mold on me. I am also on a time table. I mean if I am even in the path of where my dream is then I might just as well accept fate like the rest of 80% of Americans and be happy about 5k dollar raise that comes once in a while. That is just fucking pathetic. Yeah gays have unrealistic egos, what is new right. I told my ideas to a coworker who is probably the nicest girl you will ever see and her comment was omg you are so USC. I am not sure if that is a compliment...

Talking about careers, I have to say thank you to the super duper cute and VERY SMART Troystopher (he is on my blogroll) who gives me some valuable suggestions and also makes my day go by faster. Thanks "IM buddy" lol.

Anyways, the down side of this wonderful Saturday was that I got pulled over by a police and he gave me a ticket for not yield enough. I guess he is right otherwise I would have yield the fuck out of the street or at least pretend to be if I fucking yield him. douchebag. I mean it s West Hollywood in construction on Saturday brunch hour. Does he really expect people to be as careful and obedient as the Amish people. ok I don't know what I am talking about anymore but for me Amish is the closest thing to sheeps, you know the universal symbol of weakness and perpetual followers. I mean haven't they seen the temptation... ok I am ranting now....

So yeah that is about 150 bucks and he told me that Beverly Hills supreme court gives people second chance for traffic school so I can still get my point off even though I had a point from speeding (5miles over limit) 5 months ago. Yeah second chance you say? Bitch I will take that point but I will make you go to court with me. Yes I will plead not guilty and show up in court. My suit has been lonely.

And when I finished my lovely brunch, I got a parking ticket.

Yeah. .. ....


But then, I had a good time at night. I went out with two friends and went to Yardhouse in Pasadena. I guess a lot of people were having Halloween parties so the place wasn't as crowded as usual. I bravely took the halfyard size, which is a 32 ounce, about 20 inch tall glass (see, I am bad with measurements so I have to think in dick size). I ordered a Sierra Nevada. It is bitter but somehow I think it tastes much better than bud light and crap. I am the person who infamously gets high on ONE beer so you can imagine how much of a toll that took on me. But we had a great time laughing. Recounting the pasts and planning the near future, you know like snowboard etc, no more career talk at night hehe. So yeah we got all drunk and we decided to blaze at nne friend's house. So that is what we did. I started to sober up and I think the herb and the achohol was a good mix. One passed out and the other one was playing computer game and I was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Such a good movie I really wanted to fly like them too. So I got home around like 5am without sleeping played another 2 hours of video game and woke up at 2:46pm >_<....

GOOD TIMES....

--

more updates: yeah you think i finished?

Today my HR department had a Halloween themed show. I thought it'd suck but went to see anyway. It was on the second floor and we had to wait in line waiting for it. I was like this is ridiculous. But when I saw these people doing a theme from Hairspray I was so entertained. I have never seen Hairspray before but these people kinda made me want to see it. The highlight was there was a big big guy who was about 6'3'' with heels. Full in makeup and drag and danced to the music and sang. Toward the end stripped down to a very tight under garment and continued to shake it. It was off the hook. And when he exited it he extended his hand and give my chest a very nice squeeze. I was folding my arms so my muscle was already bulging and he totally grabbed a handful. I am just like how did I have a major gay moment in this occasion it was so unexpected. I don't get grabbed by drag queens in gay clubs. what is going on here? you've got to love Halloween I guess. haha.

Oh yeah last thing, I read that Dick Cheney greeted Bush as DARTH VADER today, how grossly arrogant and funny. That old fart he should have brought a rifle too so he would just one stone kill two birds style mock his legacies.

OH PPSSSS... I bought Britney Spear's Blackout. It is probably her best album and I REALLY love some of her songs. I really didn't like her like 3 months ago and all of sudden I think she is the bitch because she got so much attitude and toward the end she gives you results. This album is probably the biggest finger she shove down at nay sayer's throat. I feel a special kind of resonance toward her. I will write about it in the future... That is for another time.

Later gators Hamilton
It is empty now but I will edit this post later. It is getting unhealthily late so I am going to actually sleep. However, once I put this post up, I know I will have to update it soon. Just like my gym tracker. It kinda forces me to do something that I should. I hope this doesn't appear to be as lame as it seems to be lol

Life is a beautiful thing,

I just come across this animation online and it cannot be more truthful. I mean we all have said the similar things and deep down we still think it is true. But it is so easy to get caught up in the daily errands. Life is a musical in which there should be dances and music and we should live through it. Instead of living it like a straight line, a journey, or a pilgrimage. It is so true. I think I have mentioned that I started to have mid life crisis since I was 18. Now I come to think of it, it probably started when I was in elemental school. Everyone told us to keep moving up on the academic ladder. Then when we start working we should aim to get promoted and what not. Life is about reaching that idealism or that theory called success. In the beginning I guess I was having those midlife crisis because I was terrified. Everyone around me told me that should I given up on this academic themed ladder climbing game, I would end up cleaning the streets. In a society where success was mostly measured on a better materialistic living standard, people would go as far as calling teachers, workers, and anyone who depends on a salary a failure. Then people have to find their own success caliber. It is always relative. That is why there is always a higher quota that makes everyone like chinchilla on heat. Never a dull moment to fulfill that higher quota. Hoax is what Alan Watts called it.

I am ranting this isn't for random reasons. Though as pretentious as it sounds, this particular topic is actually something that is always on my mind. As I just mentioned that if my anxiety attack was from fear of failure, then my current doubts, worries, and any feeling that resembles similarities to midlife crisis are probably due to my fear of the truth. As another blogger Rishi said once to me that everyone has to choose a path in their lives. In a way, everyone's life is somewhat predetermined. Here I am going to make a broader generalization, please excuse me Rishi if this isn't what you meant all, that Free will is relative. Everything we do or don't do is related to a big part of our finance capability. For some professions, such as Rishi's, the future neuro surgeon, he seems to know exactly how much he will be making and how he is going to live his life using that money. So in order to reach that goal, he has to go through this quota. He is very successful for his age already - one of the best in his medical program in the nation. Yet it is far from over. It is a pilgrimage indeed. The road in medicine is a life long one. He spends most of the time in the lab and working his ass off. Luckily he enjoys it.

But for me, I somehow just never thought that is how life should/would be. As we were talking, I pointed out that this belief of mine was one of our fundamental differences as two individuals. Though we both went to private universities and went through intense programs in our field, I still somehow felt that he was destined to do what he does and he does it with all this passion or even rage. I do have that side of competitiveness but I just feel that when an individual lives and breathes his/her profession, he/she is being consumed by it. Somehow I just feel that life should just be something more than that.

I am worried nowadays is that I am still in my pursuit of that "successful" quota and I already know there is no end in my field. I mean for Rishi, it is to become a neuro surgeon. Then he will continue to do research. Saving people's lives, and conquer diseases what not. But even he doesn't figure out how to completely cure Parkinson's or brain cancer, he would still have this intrinsic satisfaction. But what about business? I remember I read this article in which the guys in NY financial field are complaining about 7 figure salaries. In their own words, when you are poor you always wanted to fly first class, and after 5-7 years of life draining career building, you finally can afford first class. But then you suddenly find out that real rich people fly private. I don't know because business and corporate world provides probably everything except for the feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. If there is, it would be short lived but quotas are instantly raised. If anything it makes you want more.

What if after I am 45, become that pathetic dude in this video, looking into my "accomplishment" bag and shake and shake and nothing tangible really comes out? Then I really realize that this is all just a hoax. What would I do then. Would I be able to find my life value from a partner or husband by then so I don't feel sad lonely and empty? I don't want to live in this hoax yet billions of people live through it.

I guess I like California because it gives you a chance to breath. Whenever you just walk down a beach or a very nice and quiet neighborhood, you feel you are touching life. I like that. Despite my keen interest in i-bank and money, another side of me just really wants to enjoy the sun and catch some waves for the rest of my life.

Anyways, going to bed. I have a rat race to catch tomorrow morning.

A weird morning

Everything has been great this weekend till this morning.

Saturday I met up with one of my old buddies and we hit up Huntington Beach for a day of relaxation. He picked me up around 11:00 and we got there 11:50am. Such a short distant I probably should go to this beach from now on. The sun was out, bright and hot. However, the wind was cold and the water was freezing. Most noticeably, the fog refused to disappear. I am not talking about some fuzziness in the air that might stop me from checking out a hot guy. I am talking about some hardcore fog. We could barely see the waves while standing on the beach. Looking at the shore, we really couldn't see the condos. I guess this is something happens often in this area since all the beach goers didn't seem to mind the fog at all. So after 1 hour sun bathing, my friend and I finally decided to go in the water. Normally I wouldn't jump in due to the sub zero temperature of the water. But I dared him to go in so now there is no going back for me. Five minutes in the water was enough for me I couldn't feel my legs and I had very short breathe. I guess this is how you would feel if one day you are in the unfortunate hypothermia scenario. Definitely horrible. We played around talked a lot and just totally enjoyed the day. The fog was enjoying it too. It came and went like it was having fun along with the beach goers. But finally it took its last bow around 2:00pm and the tanning couldn't get any better.

My buddy and I talked about season pass to Big Bear so we could go snowboard all winter long. We talked about relationship and friends and career. It was again just really relaxing and I didn't have to care what I had to say. It was refreshing for the mind. After the beach we went to this small joint nearby called "Taco Surf". I had one of the baddest burrito for a long time. That along with a very sweet and well mixed strawberry Margarita, the afternoon has never seemed to be so beautiful haha. We totally pigged out because the portion was so large. Laughed a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, def good times.

This prompted me to tell him that I was gay. But he is in fact homophobic. This kinda scares me a bit. I do not want to lose another friend because of this and he is a really hard working, sincere guy. I guess I will just keep hanging out with him throughout the winter see where this leads us.

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This morning I had a dream. Well technically speaking, it was afternoon because I woke up at 2:00pm. In the dream I was at a small bar and people were talking, drinking, and eating. I somehow was sitting in front of the girl who outted me to her boyfriend and brother despite the fact that I specifically told her not to. I don't know why I dreamed about drinking with her because she really wasn't on mind for a long time. Then suddenly the whole bar became quiet because it was the hourly "cell phone" time. Supposedly in this short period of time, everyone could use the cell phone and call people they need to talk to and everyone should speak at a low volume so that their conversation with their friends and family can go on interrupted. Then one of my good friends back in the last semester at USC came by. She is in the i-banking business now and working in San Francisco. I was so surprised she came. We started to talk as if we were still in school. It was so nice. Then she told me, Hamilton, you really need a career change, you can do soo much more. Come on change it. Then I just woke up.

Indeed, I miss this girl from USC. She is smart, talented at what she does, and very sociable. I called her right away and we talked about this dream, career etc on the phone for a bit. Ah... I hope I can head up there soon. I need to keep these quality people in my life close. Also I had to mention that she was so sweet to ask me if I am seeing anyone and ensured me I would find the right one when I am ready. haha. so sweet.

Anyways, I am going to eat now and watch the Emmy's. One of my coworker is actually going to the Emmy's. So fancy, it is just like how my managers rocked out at the VMA. When can I roll like that????? damn.

Some quick bits

Life has been pretty peaceful lately. There is really no ups and downs. I am just chilling and taking the new found peace in my life piece by piece. Don't get me wrong, I am not 65 looking for wheelchair lifestyle, but it is just kinda nice to know certain things have been settled for good. The week passed by fairly fast because of work. I feel like that each day is composed of only three stale elements of one's life -- eat, sleep, work.

Anyways,

Job

Job has been ok. Team has been going through a big restructure so that I had nothing much to do the whole week. I think I printed out about 3000 pages of financial documents so far. Yes, isn't it exciting. It is as mind blowing for me as a nice wheel for a hamster. Despite the crunch work so far, I still find the position worthwhile. My boss seems to be nice at this moment and people are definitely professional. They don't do the fake friendly chit-chat. In addition, I can wear casual outfit and shorts and sandals on Fridays. So I guess that is a bit of a compensation for my pathetic pay. I am looking forward to this week because I really want to start doing something that is intellectually challenging and worth my freaking time.


Leisure

I went to a movie on Wednesday with a friend and we saw Rush Hour 3. It was the absolutely the worst movie I have seen in a long time. I have never been a fan of racial jokes and they didn't only fully exploited the beaten to death racial jokes but also invented bunch stupid racial/political jokes that seemed to be way too ignorant and preaching for its own good. The movie took itself way too seriously at times given the overall theme was ridiculous, implausible and unoriginal. In the beginning, I just felt it was such an unwise mistake that I decided to see this movie the first 20 mins. But then I just felt utterly stupid when the stupid people around me who appeared to be genuinely enjoying it. I could actually hear the gasp from the lady next to me "ah... oh... omg ganster". Where the fuck has she been? I don't know but she probably hasn't seen many movies lately. Who gasps "omg gangsters" when they see a movie...

Chris Tucker has the most annoying voice that I have ever heard and his physical comedy isn't funny at all. If I wanted to see stupid people who act like a turkey I would go see Jack Ass 2. Jackie Chan on the other hand is just too old. I mean he is like an old Chinchilla. He could barely kick anymore. One scene in the movie where he was supposed to descend a building to the streets then jump on multiple ledges to a freeway was so pathetically choreographed that Jackie Chan looked clumsy, frightened, and laughable. Clumsy because he did the sequence very slow and the scene clearly showed his stretched to the max physical ability when you can see the veins popping up on his head. Frightened because only god knows how many takes it took, he still looked at the next place to jump without ease. You could almost hear his inner self cussing like crazy for what he would do for money. Laughable because after you see Bourne Ultimatum you just feel so sorry for Jackie Chan and his character. It is like he is doing a Scary Movie style spoof of Bourne or something like that...

I can keep going on and on about their stupid accent, racial jokes, and anti war unsubtle messages. But I think you already got the idea.



Guys

This is the guy who I messaged first then returned me telling me that his body was mine for the taking and continued to flirt a bit. However, he flaked out later for no apparent reason. All my pictures are public so he saw me before his replied. I don't know what stopped his interest. Oh wellz, another flaky hookup, story of my life eh? I think I am gonna give myself another month before I venture out to WeHo again. I still need money haha and I need to get things done before I can enjoy myself fully. I think it is absolutely necessary for me now to just go out there and find what is mine. I don't want to deal with this flaky online hookup thing anymore and I think it is time to start a functional relationship.

Shopping

After chatting up with my mom last night, she decided to buy me a decent bday gift this time. So we went shopping today. She bought me a pair of New Balance running shoes and new pair of Prada sunglasses. I really love them. The shoes and glasses can be used right away and I really wanted them for a long time so it was so nice of her to buy them for me haha. I am thinking about buying her a LV or Gucci bag when her bday comes around. Ah parents, sometimes they really get on your nerve but you just can't stop loving them.

Friends

I am having this episode once again. I think I have too many female friends. I really think the gay part of me totally took the advantage of it and exploited it. Now I become the victim of my identity. Interestingly enough I made these friends before they knew I was gay so I guess they weren't my friends because they didn't feel threatened or anything. That is a good thing for me. But then as much as I appreciate and cherish any friendship that I managed to maintain - I am very picky in the friends department because I don't easily let people in on a personal level - I still feel that more dudes would be better. Yet I find it kinda hard to find mature guys who can really be comfortable with who I am. I read the post from Urban Insanity and I was so caught up in his fantastic stories that I neglected one of the most distinguishable and intriguing part for me -- his guys friends discuss guys with him. I realized this fact after I went back to his many other stories on different occasions. He could be just one of the guys who just happens to talk about guys. I mean I would never be that brave or comfortable even my friends who claim that they are cool with me being gay. I mean none of the guy friends I know know I am gay but even if they are cool with it I don't think they would be all that interested to talk about my guy problems or be able to understand and really engage in any meaningful conversation regarding this matter. On the contrary, the girls can so I guess subconsciously know that girls would be more accepting so I made more effort with them? On the other hand, I feel a bit out of place when it comes to new guy friends. Usually I can carry on a conversation regarding whatever, but when it comes to hardcore sports statistics I am like a mute. That seems to be what they all talk about anyway. It is unoffensive, bonding, and interesting for the dudes so why wouldn't they talk about it. Because of the neutral nature of sports talk, people prefer it over political social and economical topics which I am pretty interested in. But all those could be very offensive at times or people are just apathetic about them. So I kinda avoided just chilling with the guys unless we are doing something. Sitting there and just talking isn't my thing I guess. It is so complicated...

The reason I am going through this again is because my bday is coming up. I feel obligated to do something because my friends feel that I should do something. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean they are already thinking about it before you think about it and they are more interested than you are, doesn't that make you feel like a douche? I kinda do so I am pumping up my enthusiasm and planning something simple next weekend. Then I realized how out of proportion the genders of my friends are. I mean I can easily call up 8 girls at this moment and I can only think of about 4 guys that I feel really close to. That is kinda gay and I probably come out of the closet by default... Some other people are out of town so I don't know what I should do. Limit the female guests? Then what if they find out... Ah... I wish I were more of a guy's guy. I am really not that feminine on the outside but I guess there is a lot of my emotional traits that are very sensitive and feminine. This somehow kills me to even just think about it. It is even more painful to admit it. But truth is never pretty I guess.

Workout

I am back to my gym routine now. As a matter of fact, I have been pretty fucking dedicated. On Friday night, I was so tired from work that I had to pull over off the freeway to take a nap before I continued to drive. I was 2 miles away from my gym but I was too tired to even drive that little distance at that point. Despite this little unforeseen circumstance, I still managed to go to the gym and raped myself on the weights after I woke up 50 mins later in my car.

My trainer has been promoted to Tier3 now and his regular fee is 115 dollars/hour. My gym is 110 dollars/month. So if I train 2 times a week then that is gonna be almost 600/month on gym. I don't think I got that kinda money. Good news is that my trainer is also leaving the gym. I told him that I really like the client-trainer relationship and I am accustomed to his training routine, so how many more sessions I should order from him. He thought about it and told me to just get 12 sessions more. So 12 session receives 10% discount. I guess I can handle that. So hopefully he leaves the gym soon and I will cancel this god forsaken gym as well. Then I will just pay him about 60-70 for training each time and use the gym at work for 40/month. As we progress I will get less training as we go on. I don't know it sounds like a lot of money but I paid 1.8k for 4 months worth of training and it didn't feel such a financial hassle for me. So I guess I will continue that. I hope he won't jack up the price when he goes solo later and it'd nice if he can give me discount if I order 100 sessions at a time. lol... God I could buy a fucking BMW with that money. Talking about new cars, I am thinking about a BMW... I will see how my cash flow goes lol.

Yeah I am gonna go to bed now. It's late and I am doing summer alternative hours which means I will go early everyday and leave on my regular time so that I can have Friday half day off. Isn't that great! But too bad that this week is the last week of this program for the summer =/...

Anyways ciao~~

A new beginning or a new beginning?

What kinda new beginning would it be? I wonder. The future is the most uncertain and it is exciting yet scary. After this grueling recruiting for a month, I finally got an offer. It was good yet a bit disappointing. It is an entertainment behemoth so the name is great however they pay fairly low. I mean don't I wish that I got an I-banking job but that wasn't going to happen. So after thinking about it, I decided to take the offer regardless the pay. I mean I need to start somewhere, and hopefully I can build up a nice network and good reference in 3 years or less and jump to a better and even bigger place. I really want to do pure finance related work instead of accounting and I guess it is just not meant to be at this moment. Life never fulfills me perfectly and I guess this is the way going to be. So the first thing I have to do is to stop feeling disappointed when another friend of mine telling me that he is working in ibanking (just happened 5 mins ago and he is working in brazil atm. god damn ibanking everywhere, maybe i should go back to china and ibank!), second is to feel content and really work hard, third is to use my limited financial reward wisely.

Finally this chapter is over and a new one is going to start so you guys don't have to listen to my endless, monotoned, and boring rant over recruiting anymore. So i will replace that with same endless, monotoned, and boring rant over work hahaha. this one will probably last a long time! lol Just kidding! But I wonder if this is a new beginning for me to a billion dollar fortune, or this is a new beginning to a normal life that will eventually dies out in mediocracy. I am sure it is the 1st one! hahaha.

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I went to a birthday thing yesterday. It was nice but kinda lame at the same time. Food was ok. The friend that I went with pretty stayed with me the whole time since I didn't know anyone except for the person who invited us and we didn't really feel like to meet anyone either... let's just say they weren't our crowd. They had a small pool. Despite its size, it looked mighty tempting under the sun. But instead of jumping in without a swimsuit and make myself a fool, we just played "watch the water balloon" game we invited. A couple exploded over my head and we got wet regardless.

Afterward we went to see Bourne Ultimatum. I loved it! The fighting sequences were well designed shot and definitely thrilling to watch. I think people are too tired of explosions and gun shots and are really into this hand to hand, melee style hard combat. Though you think Jason Bourne should have been dead plenty times through all that explosion, collision and shots and it is a bit cheesy that he seemed to be indestructible. But it is a great movie if you can overlook that little problem! I highly recommend it! Go see it boys!

Some quick hits

I have been busy with my cousin's family lately. They are leaving on the 1st so I am trying to spend as much time as I can with them while they are here. I would like to write more but things just kinda happen fast and once I look back 3-4 days at a time, it is hard to capture the magic again.

Anyways, we basically hit the theme park circle hard lately. Went to Disneyland, Disney California Adventure, Universal Studio, and we are planning on Six Flag Magic Mountain next week. In addition, we spent a day at the beach, and are planning for 1 more beach day tomorrow afternoon. It should be fun.

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I have talked to two other companies so far. They are both fortune 500 companies. One of them is top 100 and the other one is top 40. Other than these two companies I haven't looked at job postings at all. I am taking it easy and just want to relax a little bit. What is destined to be mine would come eventually. I should get answers back latest next week. One of them would most likely reply me by tomorrow and the other one would probably take longer. Oh well no matter how it turns out I just can't stress over the possibilities right now.

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I took my nephew to the movies today and we saw Ratatouille. It is such an amazing film. I really loved it. It was unexpectedly moving and full of heart. Even though it is a cartoon and one of the main character is a rat, also on that note, there are plenty rats in the movie, the entire story just feels so human to me. It is much better than a lot of movies done by real people. I don't know I guess there is really a thing or two that people should consider more when they make movies nowadays. I mean it is a motion picture that should tell a story. What the hell has happened to the story part in the movies nowadays?

__

I talked to my best friend a week ago. She told me something that bothered me again. I wrote a while back about an old friend of mine, the brother of my best friend, who turned out to be a bit hostile toward me at the end of our friendship. Overall, I just really thought it was a classic story of how good friends drift apart. I guess I was so wrong. Even till today, he is still talking shit about me behind my back. His everlasting bitterness can't seem to find a god damn closure on its own. I thought for once that as he ages, his icy cold attitude would thaw a bit not just for me but just in general. But oh no. He's been trashing about my recruiting, my academic endeavor and my school (how dare he, considering it was "his" dream school till he got rejected and I got in?). I told my friend that I was gonna have a talk with him. You know like a man to another man. IF you want to say something, say it in my face or we can take it outside and duel it out. We do it and get done with it. I want it to end FOREVER. I don't want to think about what he is going to say behind my back every time I visit my friend at his place. My friend told me to not to be too gay about it. I was like HOW THE FUCK IS THIS TOO GAY. Then she said ok it is not gay but it is stupid because apparently her brother is mentally and emotionally disabled and she really wishes for no hassles from him either. So whatever, I agreed not to bring it up in front of him. But still, what kind of cowardly behavior is this. I am kinda pissed.

In addition, as immature as it sounds. Once he trash talked about my school and my recruiting, I have never been even more eager to get in one of the two companies that I mentioned above because he also works there now! He totally thinks that he got the best job ever and he is def the shit now. I mean seriously it is not a bad company but it ain't no Blackstone or Goldman Sach. Get a fucking grip. jeebus. But I want to work there is because this department is exceptionally special since it directly reports to the board executive and manages the overall capital risk for the entire corporation. So now not only the title beats his but the pay might be competitive too. I don't know I haven't found out how much but I am kinda obsessed with it now. I have been researching about the salary. No productive results yet... God I Think this is totally unnecessary. god when can I totally grow the fuck up.

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On my final note, which is much more pleasant, USC has been voted as preseason #1 this year AGAIN, and arguably the best college football team in our history. Eat that GATORS!!! AND LONGHORNS. mu hahahahaha.

for more info, please go here

Ah... relax

Well I try to. I am gonna refrain myself from constantly talking about stupid shit like recruiting because enough is enough. I mean this blog is for ranting but ranting the same shit would be really boring. So until I get a great job I am just not gonna talk about it anymore.

I was talking to MSTP Bound today and I felt bad afterward because I basically made him my temporary emotional trash can and dumped my recruiting mishaps all over him over the phone. Great that he redirected the subject to traveling and my mind actually wandered off to the heavenly places that are deep in the high mountain ranges in China. Anyways, he was a good sport and pretty much said whatever that he could to make me feel better. It is relaxing to sometimes imagine yourself elsewhere or talk to someone so that at least your mind would be off the stressful things. I talked to several other people later on aim. I guess my bad mood reflected quite well. Wasn't chatty at all. But I was just not in the mood to talk.

So after stressing over it for a long time, I felt stupid. I really did whatever I could so it is time for me to move on. I think it should be the same to everything that I do, not just my recruiting. In many cases, 100% effort is really the best one can do. I have to let go sometimes so that my fate can take care of itself. The extra attention that I gave to this stupid subject was all futile. It didn't do anything except making myself even more stressed. So I am gonna take some deep breath now and just relax. Keep looking for jobs and I am sure I can find a decent one. Also, I need to let go of my ego. I have just realized that my biggest obstacle in my recruiting process is my own ego since it is my ego that fueled my ambition to aim for the impossible positions. Thus, by comparison I am never satisfied with all my current positions. I guess there is a lot of lessons embedded in this experience.

Tomorrow I am going to take my nephew, this 8 year old monster to Disneyland. I guess I need it too. But we are only going to the Disneyland Park not California Adventure, so I won't be taking my favorite ride -- Tower of Terror =/.

Have a good night boys.

Disastrous

God. The first phone interview went alright. 50 mins on the phone, I thought I almost lost it. There were couple mistakes like how I got their revenue wrong and etc. But there were also highlights. The interviewer actually stopped in the middle and made a special long remark on how good I answered one of her questions. She said my response was one of the only few excellent ones. So I guess that is a big plus.

However, right after I hang up with her and being happy and all. I got another call from a company that specializes in private equity mergers and acquisition which is something I really want to do. The guy really caught me off guard and asked me if I can do a phone interview. I said yes. His first question was "how much do you know about our company". I actually don't even remember which company it was. I only vaguly remembered that I did apply something like that. I panicked. My IE wasn't up and I couldn't leave him hanging there and I DEFINITE CANNOT make things up. So I had to just say the truth. I said that due to my recruiting schedules that I haven't done much research on the company and I apologize for it. AWKWARD. DISASTROUS.

Despite the fact that this one might be the one that I like the most, I don't count on it even a bit anymore. Even though I answered the rest very smoothly, he didn't sound as interested. He said he would forward the responses to the senior recruiter who will then make a decision whether or not to bring me in. That is wonderful. He probably put a gigantic "IDIOT" on the page. Sigh... stupid me. This is a major blow....

Anyways, I am heading off now. god fucking damn this shit...

More interviews

Well I did two today. All I can say is that what a big contrast.

The first one was in the morning at 10:00am. I was LATE. I thought I was gonna die. I mean who goes to an interview late? The stupid 710 where it intersects 10 west bound had an accident which was so severe that the entire entrance was blocked by police. So can you even imagine how bad the 10 would be? Yeah, it was I-stuck-in-2-miles-distance-for-35-mins bad. Gross... it was absolutely repulsive. So I immediately called in and told the manager that I would be late due to the unforeseen traffic accident. He was very understanding and told me not to worry a bit. So I was 30 mins late. HAHA. I thought I was screwed.

Then at their little waiting area, there were bunch metal puzzle sets. I played them at my uncle's house when I was traveling in China. They were a set of two pieces metal that were intertwined. You can't just force them apart. However, if you find the right angle you can easily separate them. Very smart design! So I saw these puzzles again and I started playing with them. That was exactly when the manager came out said "Nice to meet you this is Charly". "I AM A RETARD" yes that was the message that ran through my head. WHO THE FUCK PLAYS METAL PUZZLES AT AN INTERVIEW... Great start...dear god just shoot me.

Got into his office. Start chatting. We actually chatted about 10 mins before he even said anything regarding the interview. I guess that was likely to be good. Since he was the one doing the most talking and my short comments usually propelled him to talk even more. It turned out that he used to work for KPMG one of biggest four accounting firms in the world. He came from NY and adjusted to LA just fine. We talked briefly about friends family, night life, commute, and life decisions. The conversation went smooth and remained interesting. Toward the end of this interesting introduction, I paused deliberately and he directed the subject to professional matter right away. Interview was smooth as well but toward the end I wasn't sure if he got the right message. What I was trying to say was that I have a very realistic expectation from small firms like theirs and I am willing to develop and learn skills here for long term plans. But what he got from me seemed to be I might move on if there is a better and bigger thing comes along. He said that he would not only understand but also encourage since that would be exactly the same choice he would make in that situation. Sigh I hope my explanation later really explained what I was trying to say.

The conversation lasted about 30 mins then I moved on to talk to the partner of the firm. The first thing he said "oh USC, I like that". Well I knew he would because from doing my homework I knew he was a fellow Trojan who won 3 NCAA swimming championships back in his days. He has a pair of deep, piercing, aqua blue eyes that seemed to constantly remind others of his glory days. They were so HAWT. I couldn't stop staring at those blue eyes. Well I guess at least I made fantastic eye contacts right? Conversation with him was smooth as well and every time I asked a question he would give comments like "that is a great question", "fantastic question", "I am glad that you asked." I guess it went good. BUT there were plenty mistakes were made. The aforementioned puzzle instance, the 30 mins tardy and I assume the second partner who has the same last name to be his sister and apparently she was his wife. STUPID....

So I talked to this hot boss for like another 45 mins and the interview was over. I really liked the company. The office wasn't big but it was new and well lit. You could see the nice and relaxing views of Santa Monica. The beach isn't too far, perfect for me to pick up surfing. I would get a teacher and all that stuff. Plus the manager is hot the boss is hot and the people who worked there sounded very young. I was intrigued. This was my first interview that sparked an interest for me. Now I really really really hope they can give me some good news next week. Fingers crossed.

Then I came home, got an invitation to a phone interview with a Hedge Fund company for an intern position. This is absolutely exciting as well. But instead of inviting me to a first around, they wanted to phone interview me so that means they probably just want to see if I am a clown or not before spending actual time with me. Sigh.

Well in the afternoon, I had another interview. I wont go into details of it. But in sum, it was horrendous and I don't want to work for them at all. I don't mean the company is crap; they probably make a lot of money. But the overall is just not my scene.

On a brighter note, I actually fulfilled my workout plan that I posted on Jay's Gym Tracker Calender. I gained 4 lbs. Yes absolutely devastating. Also, I couldn't lift or run as much. Plus there were another USC dude at the gym who had a such amazing body that everytime I looked I felt the urge to give him some oral relaxation. I am sure he noticed me staring VERY frequently. He didn't seem to mind or just ignored this homo. Whatever, good eye candy.

Anyways. I have been blahing about my interview for quite a while now. But what can I do, this is my life as I know for this moment. Freaking life. man...

Some random stuff

Yeap this is gonna be very random.

Random #1:

I took my cousin's family to see the Transformers. The kid wanted to see it so bad that I really felt bad seeing it before he did. However, to contrary to my expectation, which was to find the movie dull the second round, it was still wildly entertaining. The second time was actually more charming. Maybe the jokes didn't work for me anymore, but the action sequences were much more impressive for me. When the first time I saw this movie, I was just so awestruck by all the unbelievably realistic CGIs and I couldn't really watch everything with my full attention. My mind was racing through all the sounds, visual impacts, and the excitement that was summoned up by the big screen. But this time I could absorb more details and really appreciate how realistic all the robots looked. It was truly astonishing and I think everyone should do themselves a favor and watch this movie.

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Random #2:

An old friend of mine called me a couple times. He is a really cool guy and I have known him for quite a few years now. I want to come out to him and hopefully still hang out with him. He'd be the first guy friend that I come out to. Except for Kevin who was my high school friend and happened to find out that I was gay by accident. But he has been very cool with it, so no biggy and it was a long time ago so that I really didn't feel like I came whatsoever. But this time, this friend would be different. He is someone that I met through socializing in a campus where people just come and go for classes only. Besides, he is very macho, an Armenian who thinks male homos are sick (thinks girl homos are ok, okie... wtf). Anyway, it'd be interesting. I guess I haven't come out to him is that it's always harder to come out to dudes in your life. Even though I have known him for a long time we couldn't hang out a lot due to school and work. So even it doesn't work out if I come out to him now, it'd be a loss but not a huge one and I shall recover fairly fast.

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Random #3:

I added a Google Calender button on my Current Obsession box. It is a workout calender initiated by Jay from Jay + Gay = Me. I already wrote my first work out session since my arrival in LA on the calender. I really hope that I have enough will power to fulfill this engagement.

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Random #4:

Shout out to my blogger friends who are fucking far away lol~~~. MSTP, Jay, Justin, I have started to talk to these people for quite a lot recently and I have to say that I really enjoy the conversation. The late night chat while MSTP was high on jet lag was pretty fun. hehe. I have been in my lazy mode lately, so basically I catch these guys all the time. I think I definitely should go out more since the weather outside in LA is just so gorgeous. Also, shoutout to J.R, my first LA blogger chatties who still writes! It is always fun to talk to ya and I hope we can finally one day meet under the wing of a gay god. yes. it shall happen lol~~~~ I really wished that all y'all are in LA so we can party party party. Maybe play Wii drinking game that should be fun lol... Anyways, there is a new blog that I just come across through J.R.'s place, it is called Midwest Ben, only three posts so far and he seems cool and is so fucking young. God why everyone is younger than me now. This must be a bad dream =/. So yeah check it out and I hope he can continue so that his blog can be my actual read! On another note, I really don't think the dude from Training Wheel is ever gonna come back but we shall see.

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Random #5:

I just made a list of interviewed companies. It looks quite professional. It is funny that once you put random things in Excel, everything looks very organized and doesn't seem to be even a bit overwhelming anymore. lol... So after I finished with the file, I realized that I am only interviewing with FOUR candidates atm. I know, it's been only a week since I came back and I think it shouldn't be so bad. But I still feel like four isn't a lot at all. The insecurity still exists. Also, I have only talked to two companies so far and only received one second round invitation, the rest of this list is still unknown to me. I can't count my future on something that is still a big question mark! What if all the question marks turn out to be a big red NO, then I am literally fucked. See, I want to get more interviews but there are only so many posted on Monstertrak and through our school network. Maybe I should network more again. But then it is kinda hard because a couple of my friends are in N.Y. now for their trainings and I don't feel like talking to new friends who I just got to know them last semester. I don't know, it seems to be so materialistic that after disappearing for a month and now my first phone call is about jobs. Anyways, I have two interviews tomorrow, one at 10:00am and one at 4:00pm. Beh... I actually have to wake up early tomorrow for the first time that I have come back. Booo...

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Random #6:

I really want to smoke more hookah. I know it is as bad as cigs but at least I don't blow that shit everyday. I need a hookah buddy. Anyone know someone who likes hookah and lives in LA? lol.

Work Work

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Sigh, rejected

The firm that I have been talking to have rejected me. There will be no interviews coming up. Now I am back to the start. It is so hard to find a job for me nowadays! This is so frustrating....

A good weekend and another hectic week ahead

I felt kind of misaligned in life lately. All the tests and all.

Saturday night I went clubbing. Clubbing in a straight club that is. There is a new club called Tatoo which was the old SOHO club in downtown LA. They reinvented it - which basically means changed the the decoration and the name in hopes of bringing people back to the same place. The clubbing plan was actually very spontaneous. I met this girl, let's call her L, in my strategy class group and for half of the semester we never talked till recently. 80% of the grade in this class is condensed into one month period so we started to have lots meetings together. From there we hit it off really well. We shared the same background and experiences. So she and her friends planned this clubbing thing and I tagged along.

The line in front of the club was phenomenal. There were literally 300-400 hundred people waiting outside at 10:30pm. There were about another 200-300 inside and it was only 10:30pm. I didn't get this... I mean this was not celebrity hoarding places like Hyde, Privilege or the currently hottest Winston's. Why the crowd? We missed our guest list time so we had to kiss up to the planner who apparently wasn't interested helping us at all. We were going to buy a table which would cost us 200 bucks for 4 people. We didn't feel like it because we didn't think that we would drink that much and it would be an utter waste of money for something like clubbing (that turned out to be a mistake). But another friend of ours worked her charm. Let's call her D. Even though D was in business school with us for the undergraduate program, her real goal was to do PR in the future. She must have been practicing her networking skill for a long time then, because apparently she knew every walking soul in that club. Very soon she worked us in. We became a part of some other people's table party and we got in just like that, in front the 300 other people who waited since 9:00pm. In our group there was a guy named C. C wasn't particular cute or super handsome but he was hot. His muscles were huge and proportional. I was feeling him up real good later that night since we were very wasted lol~~~~.....

Anyways, the club was good actually. I was surprised. It was dark but lit here and there with green and blue glows. In the center of the ceiling there was a gigantic disco ball. The floor plan was interesting as well. The overall feeling was very centered and the attention was directed toward the dance floor. There were four ceiling height palms trees at four corners which divided the club into two layers. If you passed the palm trees, you would have been in the chilling zone with bars at your reach. Inside the tree circle, there was the dance floor. At this level, there were two bars and upstairs there was the outside patio and another bar. Tables sections were nice. There were small tables scattered around the edge of the dance area, but the good ones
were in the outer layer. Those outer tables were the better ones and they all had this silk curtain kinda thing hanging over to somewhat hide what was going on inside. It was unique. But I didn't see too many people using those tables. My friend L had a bottle of wine by herself before we even came out and she didn't even look drunk. So now it was her second round. L, C, and I started with a round of Redbull and Vodka. I hated it. It was bitter. I didn't know why people like this shit. I wasn't a fan of Vodka already and the taste of Redbull was just horrible. But we finished it. Danced a little, like 10 mins and then chatted a little bit. Not quite feeling it so we went in for the second round. L had another Redbull Vodka and I and C got a shot of Patron. They were pretty generous. Tt was definitely a bit more than 1 shot which I wouldn't complain about haha. The heat was generating from there. We danced more and chatted more. Went upstairs and downstairs. It was pretty fun.

Then I found out something that was a bit disturbing. Well it was a nice thing for L and C but it shook me. You see L and C were both going to do investment banking which was my goal too. But then there was a year at USC I fucked up real bad due to a lot of issues including health problem and the gay thing. My grades were so low now that I wasn't even sure if I could secure a decent job compared to my peers. So I was chatting with C, and he told me that Bank of America was going to pay him 150k a year. I wasn't sure if that was for every year or what since 80k of the 150k was signing bonus. I wouldn't think that a firm would give you signing bonus every year. But that doesn't matter. That is 150k first year and 70k after. Plus, they would get raises. If I secure a decent position in one the well known accounting firms, that would only be 50k a year plus maybe 5k signing bonuses. The inequality was so staggering that I felt like a second-class citizen. Later L told me that she was getting paid the same in Morgan Stanley. I could only imagine how much another friend of mine would make in Goldman Sachs... We paid the same tuition and received the same experiences and how come I didn't end up there. Well I knew that if my grades were higher it would have been possible. But then I still felt that there was this huge discrepancy on pays that almost make some people's job or career look embarrassing.

But it was the party night I didn't give it too much thought then, it was just a quick flash calculation and I let it go at that moment to enjoy the night.

The night went on very well, L's other friend came in later. His name was J. J currently attended the same auditing class and he recognized me right away. The reason was--not so glamorous--that I was always late. beh..... ok that class was some bullshit though... But at least I was still going every single session -_-.... We danced more. We never stopped dancing actually. Our third round was Redbull and Vodka. You know by the 3rd round, Redbull and Vodka didn't taste so hideous. Then I had half of a Cranberry Juice and Vodka. It was GOOD. Cranberry blends with Vodka way better than Rebull. So I got two more Cranberry Juice and Vodka. Meanwhile, L would feed me Redbull and Vodka sips here and there. After the whole night I probably had about 6 drinks in 2 hours. I really am not a drinker, so I was at a good place. By the sixth drink, everything tasted so good I swore that I felt like I could drink another 3. But I didn't which was a good choice. Yeah, so I had 6 and L had 7, and C had 7. So that is 200 dollars ANYWAY. Should've just got a table -_-..... With a table we could have got another 10 drinks at discount! oh well.... We danced like crazy toward the last hour. Then we went to the patio to chill. The bartender looked at me and said no more for you and gave me water. No more for me my ass. I WAS THE ONE WHO DROVE. So I drank must have been a gallon of water. Then the club was closing so three of us wandered out of the club. L apparently was extremely drunk by now which was funny. She fell flat on her face and started to cry. So I sat down next to her and started to tickle her and then we all just laid on the ground and laughed. Oh yeah, of course I would lean on C whenever I got a chance and I would hit his chest whenever I could. OMG THOSE muscles. So I dropped C off at Orsini, and L lived in Piero. For those of you who might know LA downtown area, you would know that Orisni, Piero, and Club Soho were literally 3 blocks apart. They were like 1 mile distance within each other. LOL, so yeah that was why I drove! I am safe! hehehe.

Dropping off C made me feel a bit more disturbed. You see I used to live in Orsini. The year in Orsini was my toughest year in university. My health was bad and I fucked up. Wasted tons of money and didn't achieve a thing but fed my vanity. It was a hefty lesson to learn. I watched C walking in. I almost felt as if it was me. It could have been me you know. I almost saw myself walking as I watched C. I remembered me being that guy who lived in a lavish place full of pride and vanity. The only difference now was that I no longer live there and my future doesn't look as bright as his. Now mine was so uncertain that if there were an option on me, I would have short that option immediately. LA had a lot of wonderful moments for me but I do wonder, is it time for me to leave. Maybe I should go to another city to refresh my mind and start over in a sense. Regain my youth and passion.

After dropping C off I went to L's place and crashed on her sofa. Comfy... Obviously I passed out without knowing it. Hm.. that sounds weird because if I know I passed out that would be sleeping, passing out means without knowing right... anyways got to stop thinking aloud. J showed up later. L was talking to me then would talk to a 3rd person. In the beginning, I thought she was just so drunk that she wanted to play this imaginary friend game, but yeah.. it was J she was talking to. I guess I was drunker than I thought. So we started all moaning from the drunkenness and L started to cry about her legs again. She hurt herself pretty hard, the knee cap was swollen lol... L already knew that I was gay. I told her and she didn't get it in the beginning lol... I hate that because whenever I tell someone that I am gay they don't seem to get it the first round. She told J that was gay too which was cool. J used to date L and they were friends now. L's current BF was in San Francisco and that is where L heading after graduation for her 150k job lol. So we started to talk about jobs, cities, and being gay, straight, and sex with the drunkenness. It was good fun. Then we would pass out for 40 mins and all simultaneously woke up and make more noises. L cooked some great veggie soup before we went clubbing and now she heated it up again. It smelled soooo good. The potato cabbage carrot and onions were so tender soft and juicy and the soup was good too. Although the carrot wasn't the best thing since the smell of it made wanna puke but overall it was good stuff. I subsequently drank 6 more bowls of soup... yum....

Then we passed out again, by the time my consciousness woke me up at 8:30am and refused to put my mind back to sleep again, J was already gone. I walked out with messy hair, fucked up face and a cracking headache and headed back home. The freeway was bright and empty and the sound of my car on the freeway speeding was deafening loud. It was freaky. It felt like highway to heaven...

Next week, I will have to take care of my ticket thing. Man the official website is so misleading that I only paid my speeding ticket fine and failed to pay traffic school fine. Now I don't know what to do. The traffice school will cost me 200/month on my insurance if I fail to take care of it. The due date is next Tuesday I feel like I am fucked..... I really hope not. Fingers crossed. Also a big quiz tomorrow for my strategy class plus homework due for my derivative class. Why life has to be so life!