Up and down

For the past 3 weeks, I have been going to the clubs every Saturday, and usually out and about having a good time hanging out with friends all the time.  The height of my happiness peaked out last weekend. 

On Friday I went to this guy's place for some sex.  We've been talking to each other for a while and he was persistent.  He has a nice body and good height but seemed to have cocaine eyes in the picture.  Lucky for me, it was just a bad picture.  He still has that amazing body but much cuter in person.  He lives in downtown in a loft that he just purchased.  It was an amazing loft and his decoration was very appropriate.  It was chic, modern and still has the sense of good old home feeling to it.  He is successful and busy with healthy activities.  I was very impressed by all this.

Also, he had an 8" inch thick rock hard dick. After chatting briefly we started to make out very passionately.  He was a bit aggressive on the tongue action but it was hardly a flaw.  Most importantly, he gave the best sexual experience I have ever had.  He went very slow and made sure I felt comfortable.  It was challenging to take that 8" but because of his careful moves and slow motion, it was a bit pain and pleasure all mixed up together and I couldn't wait to shove more of that meat inside of myself.  It was so thrilling.  He fucked me on my back for a while and then all of sudden with one swift motion, lift me up and laid down.  I then started to ride his cock furiously.  It was really good and I felt sexy and powerful.  I truly applaud his skill to be a top.  I really think being a top doesn't mean you always have to be the one in control in the action, rather, be the director of the motion and let everyone involved to play their part.  I felt in control yet being controlled and it was such a refreshing feeling.  Before I could enjoy this ride longer, I shot all over his chest.  Instead of mauling my ass open, he acknowledged that it'd be kinda unpleasant to fuck me once I came, so he pulled out and shot all over my cock.  For the very first time, I felt enough care and attention from a hookup.

We chatted some more afterward and he kept leaning in to kiss me and said he had so much fun that we had to do this again. 

I got home around 12:00am and texted him saying it was a great time and hopefully we could hang again.

He probably went to sleep by then, so I got a text message the following day saying "yes, it was so much fun, we have to do it again."

I was really happy.  Finally I find someone who is amazing at sex and not a loser at all.  But I guess I was over optimistic.  I texted him on Tuesday saying if we could hang out this weekend and I haven't got a reply even today.  He didn't even text back saying anything, I guess that "we have to do it again, was merely a thank you have a good life."  I was actually really disappointed by this outcome and it really tempered my mood since Tuesday.

Saturday I went clubbing with my best friend at a straight club again.  It was so much fun, and we danced a lot.  Her friends were all really easy going and she got really drunk. I on the other hand just enjoyed this easy going night with these good people around.  I got home around 530am.

Woke up around 9:30 am headed to a paid area south of Laguna beach with my cousins.  Beach was nice and all since no one was there but the beach was full of rocks and I felt like my feet would eventually sever from my legs if I go in the water more than once.  But it was fun regardless. 

Monday, my happiness ended, and my life kinda took a drastic temporary turn downhill.  I got extremely busy and worked out on Monday. It was 10:10pm when I got home. How depressing... Then Tuesday my Mr. 8" ignored me. 

Now today, work sucked ass. One of the project I was doing just wasn't right for me today.  I couldn't interpret it correctly and the manager was over the top sarcastic for some reason.  Maybe because I was already in a bad mood or maybe he was just busy but overall we pretty much had a bit cross fire in the morning and I just felt like shit for the rest of the day.  I feel like I am wasting my life.  This job, though I really can't complain about it too much since the hours aren't really that bad most of the time and the economy is in the toilet,  it is really not something I find intellectually challenging.  Most importantly it is not something I wanted to do with my education nor it is something I find so interesting that I would give it a shot.  But as for now I really can't do too much.  I still haven't hit my 1 year mark since I started working here and I still at least need to pass CFA test 1 so that I have something extra on my resume to move on.   But I am getting home earliest @ 8:00 pm nowadays for at least another week and latest pass 10:00 pm, as much as I hate to admit it, I really can't find the will power to continue to study for another hour or two.... sigh this prospect just makes me feeling ill.  

Besides, I still haven't got over Mr. 8" as for now...

The ups and downs, they come so quickly and gone so fast at the same time.  I just feel like I am being raped by life, something you can't defy, yet can't say you don't find pleasure in the process. 

My future husband turned out to be straight

As I mentioned two posts ago, I met this super cool guy whom I fell for immediately is now confirmed to be straight.

As we planned before, we worked out today. He waved at me afar and we shook hand and got down to business. Today I got to know him a lot more and we chatted about everything. The more I talked to him the more I liked him. We talked about our love for the new BMW 335i and how we both wished to get one. He, I know for a fact, can afford one, but he said he wanted to save money and get a house first. Omg how sweet is that right?

He was just so cute today. But the truth has to come out and I confirmed the fact that I already knew. He has a blond girlfriend for two years already and his girlfriend is also in the architecture profession. I literally lost my focus when he was talking about his girlfriend. I put up this smile and tried not to sound disappointed. We moved on quickly onto other things. But deep down I was so sad.

I mean he is a completely stranger but he is one of those people just give you the "he is the one" type. I have never felt that for any other guys I have ever met. I don't I just got really depressed.

On the other note, I met up this guy I met online and I drove down to his place in Long Beach. We had sex for 3 and half hours. I mean of course the bulk of it wasn't anal sex but he did fuck a good half hour and toward the end I was literally begging him to cum because it was getting so rough and too long for my tastes. There was plenty kissing and cuddling, as well as blowing and fucking and I came twice. I also got three hickies, I know so juvenile...

It was a great release.

But it was fucking shitty because all I have left now is an empty space, I want a fucking husband, god damn it. Now I wish everyone was gay or I wasn't gay, this is so hard and so much work. My love life is literally like a craps shoot. I have yet seen a guy like this, so easy to talk to, so down to earth and so focused. He is also so well educated and smart and sooo manly.

Sigh, this really sucks. I mean the hours long session was a high point of my weekend but now it is as meaningless as a pile of poop.

Work

Is work so important or it is simply for one's survival.

I think when work becomes a living entity that swallows you, then it is important because apparently it is destroying you. The trade off? I usually don't see the trade off at all. We on average live about 65 years in America. Given, we don't die from deadly disease, suffer depression and commit suicide, accidentally killed by car accidents, drowning, sharks..., murdered, and for some, die at birth. I mean it is already a lot of precondition to just live normally really. So much work to live as it is. Then why shred your soul further to just live?

I talked to a good friend from college yesterday online. Conversation wasn't too long but sincere nevertheless. Pleasantry quickly exchange and the rest was just important substance. 

"Hey how have you been!"

"omg L (you can tell this is me, I kinda say omg a lot.) I called you! Finally!"

"Yeah I am good."

"Work is getting better?"

"nope. I think I am suffering depression."

"hmm that is not a laughing matter and I don't think you are joking."

"yeah for the past two weeks, I finish work everyday @ 7am. I am so tired all the time."

"You know I really worry about you. Btw by all means, see a therapist immediately if you even suspect you are suffering depression. Nothing is worthwhile if you are going to endanger your health and life."

"I know, I probably will..."

"Have you thought about changing jobs? I mean we kinda often lose sight when we are put in a hyper competitive environment. It would seem that this is the only way and any other option would spell failure. It especially holds true for competitive people like you."

"Yeah i know... I am thinking about changing job in two years. So almost finished the first year, 1 year to go."

"Yeah just hold on to it and change it when you can."

"NY offices already started interview process."

"I am not sure NY is better for you, isn't that even more stressful?"

"oh I mean people working in NY offices are looking for another job already. Oh god no, if I go to NY, I would jump off a building pretty soon... D I am getting so fat... I try to squeeze in a workout here and there but never wake up on time.  I just feel like I am fucking up at work all the time too."

"Just relax on the workout now, what you need is to sleep whenever you can. You are killing yourself you know. I am sure you are doing a fine job. I worked with you and you've got it. We can be our toughest critics especially people like you. Relax won't be the end of the world."

"Yeah I know I try. When are you coming up and visit?"

"I don't want to because then you will have to spend time with me. Just sleep when you have free time. When you have a weekend off, come back here, we will go have korean bbq at that place again. We will have fun and rewind, promise :p"

"haha, I know I miss that. if you want to you can really come up and visit."

"sweety you need rest not guests! but if you really want me to go up there just call me. My schedule is way flexible than yours, so you let me know."

We talked a bit more about relationship and she told me I should go to San Francisco because there is a lot NICE gays up there and she would introduce me. Aww so sweet. 

I just think no matter how great the company is, this job is a scam. They abuse these new graduates like slaves in the name of competition and only a small amount of these people would make to the top and still healthy. 

50 million a year when you are 45 sounds great but then it is not really all that great if you are going to have strokes once every two years accompanied with extremely bad heart condition. Then what are we living for. There is only so much money can buy you know and I am not even talking about happiness. arggg.

---

On a lighter note, my sex on Sunday wasn't 100% and all but there was this one hot moment. His closet was covered by two piece of mirror. So when we were doing it, it was as if we were watching a home made porn. I was more into my position than the sex. I was looking at my body where was toned where needed more work. Was I flexible enough.... I have to say I was satisfied with myself. I already find peace that I will never have a model body then let's get the best out of the situation right? hahaha -_-'''....

The Sunday Blue

At least it is no longer sunday anxiety attack. I remember when I was like 7-10 years old, every Sunday night I would get anxiety attacks. I hated school and it just felt like a long road in hell that has no end. 

Now it is just blue because everything is so routine. Life goes through a factory that only produces repeated motions. It is just this close to feel like the robotic virtual reality that was created in Matrix. Gah........

You know Mariah Carey's new cd is growing on me a bit. But still, her amazing voice is at times quite an endurance exercise for my ears. I can only handle so much high pitched fierceness. 

Oh yeah I spent like 3 hours watching hip hop choreography on youtube and wishing my body is not a piece of log. 

---

Weekend kinda passed by unnoticed. I was supposed to go somewhere on Friday night but ended up chilling at home. 

On Saturday, I trained with my dear hot trainer in the morning and he killed my ass and legs. Then I got my much needed haircut. Spent 1 hour at a sunglasses store with my friend dodo ended up buying nothing, I wished I didn't have such giant head... nothing fits well. I wanted to buy a pair that is different from the one I am using, which is a pair of Prada one piece shield style. But all other styles aren't big enough... arg... We stuffed our faces with good food and then I went home waiting for my clubbing friends to call. But it turned out that they had contingent plans that they couldn't skip. Feeling lazy and a bit tired, I didn't want to stay up and wait till possibly as late as 1200 to head out to Weho. That would be just too much work for some dancing. 

To counsel to my damaged spirit, I started to listen to Kylie Minogue again. Only to find my spirit got damaged further because the music was so dance oriented -_-..

Went to fbuddy's place today. Hot actions whatnot.. but he went limp toward the end. That is a first... He's been always very hard and vigorous. Not today... Sigh... to accommodate his lack of passion, I had to help to finish the business and resulted a bad after taste of lube in my mouth. god... story of my life...  Stuffed my face again with Dodo today and I bought a cake for a friend of ours since it is his bday. 

Oh talking about awkwardness, Dodo's brother finally brought a girl home. Well this would be the second girl after he dumped his first long term gf since she cheated on him. His first girl after his breakup with the girlfriend was a hooker.... This one was at least a normal person. Dodo wouldn't mind. I mean everyone has to have sex; it is a normal demand. There was only one problem, that girl was a big moaner. Around 1:00am on Saturday, Dodo logged online and said,

"OMFG, OMGGGGGG!"

"what... sup, what is going on."

"you cannot believe what just happened. I am so fucking pissed. I have a COW in my house."

"hmm it is 1:00am what kinda shenanigans just happened? what cow..."

"my brother just called and asked me if I was going out, I mean it is 1200 why would I go out at this time you know. "

"dear god, he is bringing girls home."

"YEAH!!! and he told me just don't roam around the house. So I was like fine whatever, sex is normal. But guess what, about 5 mins later, I heard a cow! A COW!!"

"huh... you mean she moans very loudly?"

"you cannot believe it. It is so freaking loud. It is like she is turning into a beast in there. Sounded like a whore. So fucking gross. I do not need to hear this. So I slammed my door and they stopped. I thought that was that and got a bit relieved. 5 mins later they started again. She just won't stfu. Freaking moaning..."

"lol.... this is kinda funny actually... lol...."

"not funny, and I can hear the "clap clap clap" sound. SO FUCKING TWISTED. I don't want to know my brother is fucking a cow."

"god.. so harsh. hey at least he is good you know. and long lasting, it is all the good qualities, you should be proud."

"er.. enough said you aren't helping at all! argg."

Come on it is kinda funny right. lol... So today when we were stuffing our faces with curry chicken and soft bread, we talked about this again and laughed some more. ah so silly. 

---

Another week is over. Tens of thousands of gays just got blown, rimmed, fucked, drugged in palm springs. Another ecstatic orgy of loneliness. I wished I was there to be engulfed in that kind of mind fucking. But I actually wished more for an emotional harbor. Since the latter doesn't come easily, other indulgences appear to be more desirable at this moment...

My porn moment #2

Well my first porno moment was when I was 19 years old. It was a 4 way circle jerking in my school's shower. I really didn't think I would have another porno moment. 

My definition for porn moment is something you wouldn't do under normal circumstances or something you wouldn't imagine yourself doing. Like if you are prude and suddenly you became the cum rug in the middle of a 20 men orgy. Yeah I would say that is a porno moment. Another example is my example, you know jacking off with 3 other guys in a public shower. I mean that is not something you do after waking up in the morning. 

Anyways, this porn moment happened last Monday. My friend with benefit called me earlier the day and we scheduled to meet up. I wasn't so enthusiastic about it because the last several times weren't.. hmm 100% pleasurable for me. It either hurt too much or just didn't last long enough. But I was kinda horny so decided to give it a try again. 

We met up around 9:00 pm at his new place. This area was much nicer. Apparently, it was a great neighborhood and much closer to where I lived. He didn't come out right away as I arrived, which kinda annoyed me. It was a bit chilly and I was feeling a bit exhausted from working out etc... 

He came out about 5-10 mins after I arrived and we exchanged a bit pleasantry. He told me that he found a good deal renting this place but the only disadvantage is that he lives downstairs and the owner can see whomever he brings in if the owner is downstairs. So today the owner for some reason refused to get back to his room upstairs and lingered around and doing random things in the kitchen. So we talked for 5 mins and got really bored. Instead of keeping the conversation going, he brought me to this little isle behind the house. The isle was probably 20 yard long, connecting the two parking area on the two sides of the house. The owner really took care of his house well because even in this area that people normally don't pass through was kept almost spotless. We stopped by one end of the isle and started to make out. Soon enough he took his pants off and I was between his knees in no time. After enjoying his cock for a while, he took my pants off and told me to be on all fours on the 3 stairs by the end of the isle. He then start doing what he enjoys the most other than fucking, rimming. It felt so bizarre. I wasn't as nervous as I expected to be and it felt really good. 

After the rimming session. He took out the condom and lube. That was unexpected. I mean if he wasn't impressing me on a comfortable bed, how bad could it be if we were outside and trying to hurry things up? But the owner was still taking his sweet time in the kitchen and I really didn't want to wait any longer for a fuck session at that point to be honest. So I moved along with his impromptu plan. He got in me with two tries and when he was in, it hurt so much that I could barely breath. I thought, oh fucking great, now I am outside, pants down, taking a 7" inch cock in my ass and risking it to get arrested, even worse, I might have to get registered as a public sex offender. However, pain eased up really fast and for some reason the fuck went very smooth. It didn't hurt at all and it was extremely pleasurable. Soon enough I was moaning and panting. It felt extremely good and I got really hard by this unusual circumstance. In order to accompany his routine speed, I kinda hurried up and came not too long after he started to pump hard. I came a lot and the sounds of cum splashing all over the dry wall was kinda hot. 

He said, "did you cum?"

"yeah, that was good."

"I haven't cum yet."

"don't worry. keep fucking then."

So he kept pumping but I could tell he was trying to hurry. Another 5 mins later, he collapsed on my back and it took a while for both of us to get up. He actually took the condom inside his underwear and finished it like that. That was a bit suspicious... Why wouldn't he take out the condom? Did it BREAK???!! or did he just fake it. I worried about the first scenario the most. But I really didn't feel any cum afterward so it wasn't too likely that the condom broke. 

We said goodbye and I drove home feeling satisfied and wild. The end...

Is it too late to make a resolution? lol

Well my first one will be "blogging more". haha..... i know right.

I don't know what is with the laziness lately. I think I can safely blame this on work. I get off work around 6 and get to the gym around 7 then head home around 830. Once home I eat and play some video games etc it'd be around 10:30 to 11;00 and it is about time to sleep. On the weekends I usually go out or snowboard.

Talking about snowboarding! I have gone twice this season and the second time I made a great improvement. Now I can switch from heel to toe position... well 5 times in total in 3.5 hours last time I went lol... It is STILL progress! As long as I make improvements I am happy. I have my whole life ahead of me to constantly make improvements in everything that I do right? Now I wish SoCal could be colder and rain more in the winter so that we could have much more snow to play with. Slushy and icy slopes are just kinda painful to look at and to fall on. Also I wish that I had a place up there so we don't have to rush to the mountain early in the day and come back around 11pm at night. Though the view is so beautiful at night. Looking down from the mountain slopes, you can see millions of lights clustered together in the Los Angeles general area. It looks awfully peaceful. It is quite soothing for a long day of snowboarding. Well but we all know it is probably anything but peaceful, I am sure shit loads of people are fucking their brains out while I am mesmerized by their household lights.

My friendship with my director has gone on really well. Actually I heard he is the VP now. That I will have to confirm with him. We went out to dinner last Friday again. I had veal piccata and it was really good plus it was free lol~~~. I kinda treat him like my gay dad and we talk about everything from dating, sex, and cleansing.. lol~~~~~~~~~ yeah it was a very hilarious conversation and I liked how he kept drinking more Scotch every time i ask another question. He bought a really nice place in West Hollywood and his guest parking has been very useful. Now I can always park for free when I am in the gay central! It is such a relief considering I already got 3 tickets in this stupid city -o-.....

As you can tell my post has been random and tame. It is really how I feel about my life right now. Days just kinda go on and it never feels more like life. Kinda routine, kinda comforting and yet kinda scary. I really don't want to turn into a cow..

---

I have officially established a fuck buddy relationship with this Hispanic guy. I guess as we fuck more I really have to express more about what I WANT during sex. He is always kinda in a hurry kinda guy which is never too good for the bottom boy =/.

Oh I also hooked up with a friend's friend to whom I am not attracted to all that much in terms of establishing a relationship. But fucking wise? I think he is pretty good, he actually knows what he is doing and usually can finish the job with some good twists...

Yet again and again, as I mentioned many times before, they don't seem to bring on the thrill. I think I am still very fond of the idea of a hot boyfriend who can cook. Don't ask me about the cooking part I just think getting taken care of is very important lol. But I can't complain too much. It never hurts to have more gay friends I guess. This friend of a friend is very friendly and knows a lot of people in the gay clubs. Of course he also knows where the parties are so I guess it is beneficial.

Talking about going out...

I went to Abbey's on Saturday night. Well I tried to go to Abbey. The line was more than a block long and people were still pouring in. It didn't look like there was a special event or anything. I felt kinda bad because the friend of a friend was there with his friend around 930 and I got to the line at 11pm. So I called them and they actually came out and decided to go somewhere else. I think I have mentioned his friend before. He was this half Asian half black guy who looked pretty hot. He came in town for some LA party tonight. Last time we were flirting back and forth like crazy and this time I just wanted to fuck. According to others he was interested. Stupid me that I actually thought it'd be a done deal. So we went to this club called Factory and started dancing over there. We were touching and dancing. Talking dirty a bit. But then as the night went out, I realized that he was just being very friendly instead of sexual. So when I asked him when he wanted to leave he said he wanted to stay and there were lots guys, I kinda got the hint. Dang dang dang, rejections. sigh.... so sad. So I immediately left him alone. He then went around as usual... without his tank top... dancing with his gigantic chest... Well fuck it, you know what he DOES wear sunglasses in a night club so maybe it is really not that big of a loss...

So I went around the club and determined to have a good time. On the other hand, friend of a friend was very horny and begged to fuck the whole night. I think I was clearly not interested ESPECIALLY after I got rejected. So whenever he leaned in for a kiss or something I kinda just stood there. Walking around I saw this guy who had nice chest and wearing a baseball cap. I thought he was pretty hot and went for a conversation. Of course I am half legally blind and I refuse to wear a pair of glasses in a club! So when I got up to him I realized he had gray beard.... But I was there already, so I think I will just be friendly and leave. I asked him if he wanted to dance and he said no thank you. I was like omfg screw you grandpa. You know it is the worst when you are just being nice and then they have that Hotter than Thou attitude. You can't have tha attitude when you have salt and pepper beard. God I felt so cheap. So I just decided to dance the night away with friends. It was a better choice actually... Since I had so much sexual tension AND frustration built up I was very energetic. The gays kept offering me drugs. I dont know... Can't people rock out sober? Well apparently not, I think 70% of the crowd was on something.... OH yeah , there was this suppppeeerrrr hot guy who danced like a pop star, absolutely stunning. He had a bunch gay friends dancing along with him. I was around and talking to the hot guy's friend and saying how good he danced. Then his friend handed me a card, which reads "explicit strippers"... Well that explains his professional skills... He was also on a cocktail. Apparently the Gatorade that he was drinking was a mixture of Gatorade, alcohol, Ecstasy, and some other flavorful candy.

I danced and danced, shirt off without knowing how and when. When I checked time again, it was 5:00am... So I bid farewell to my friends and drove home. Tired as fuck and couldn't sleep. So I hooked up with my hands and play some video game and eventually passed out around 7 AM...

Story of my life sigh -_-....

Good things and paranoia

I hooked up with this Mexican guy last Tuesday. He is 28 and 6'1''. He had very nice chest and had a leaner waistline than mine. We met online but he actually was only a mere 4 miles away from my home. We talked to each other on and off for about 1 month and last week we finally met. He lives with 3 other house mates so we had to keep things kinda quiet. He had his own room, pretty decent size but not big in any measure. It was a typical guy's room, messy. But it was smelly or anything, and the whole room wasn't chaotic per se. He actually never turned on the light which was kinda interesting. It wasn't like I would totally not see him just because of the light was off but I didn't mind anyway it was very exciting to be in the dark. I laid down on his bed and told him to come over. We started to make out for about 5 mins. He said I was a good kisser. I would have said the same thing. His lips were luscious and gentle. His kiss was flirtatious and firm. Our tongue danced together. It was definitely a passionate start.

Then then started to suck my cock. It was actually my best blow job I ever had. It was firm and fast with good rhythm. Most important for me was that he was wrapping his whole mouth around my dick the whole time so it wasn't one of those air leaking blow jobs that you only wish you could use a hoover instead of that mouth in front you. He then started to rim my ass. It was absolutely AMAZING. His tongue was so talent. It was flickering around my ass and then would move in and then move out, sucking the hole, licking it more then sucking more. I was loving every single minute of it. I did the same to him. I guess he was really into me because he think started to suck on my foot as well. It was surprising and definitely hot.

The fuck session started off rocky because I was super tight and it took him a while to get it. Then he did a lot of positions but I still like the doggie the best. I just love it when his thrust his pelvis firmed against my bubble ass. It feel so intimate and also I could feel more penetration.

Then the bad part. I let him cum on my mouth, at the heat of the moment I licked off his cum. It was hot for sure, he cum like a water hose so did I. But then the following conversation happened,

"omg that was so hot."
"yeap it was pretty good."
"you clean right?" (yeap making sure I am not a STD robot AFTER the sex)
"yeah I am." (actually i am not sure, I have been believing that I must have been exposed to HIV virus based on no good reason except for my mental instability. but again having sex with strangers and let them cum in your mouth is definitely some risky behavior, even if it is just once...)
"I was surprised you let me do that."
"do what?"
"cum on your mouth and this is our first time with me."
"well, it is low risk." (already feeling like I am lying to myself)
"nah, it is pretty risky, if I am infected you would be infected by now."
"well relatively speaking, it is pretty unlikely unless you are raging with HIV level in your system and I have some big cuts in my mouth. both cases are unlike at this moment now"
"well I am just saying don't worry about it, i am clean."
...
"so when was the last time you got tested?"
"hmm about 5-6 months ago. and it was clean."
"I see, same here. I think I should get tested again just to make sure."(i am actually scared, what if the result is positive, that is like all hope is lost)

We walked out talked more about each other here and there. Finally before we parted,
"man it was really hot, let's keep in touch and maybe get together again sometimes."
"sure."
....
"why are you so surprised by that?"
"by what"
"by I let you cum on my mouth, now you are making me feel a bit anxious. you are clean right?"
"I am, I was just saying and usually people don't do that the first time. Do you do it a lot?"
"do what a lot? let others cum on my mouth?"
"yeah.."
"no man, I don't' hook up everywhere. probably 2-3 times, you included"
"oh.. yeah don't worry i am clean."

At this point it sounded as if we were both equally paranoid. Well I already knew what would happen after this -- Endless HIV thoughts and agonizing doubts and paranoia. I was absolutely right. I actually have let this affect my mood. I just felt like I must have caught it if not from him probably from that dude that I blew 2 months ago on the Pasadena camp ground. I must have because it was such a coincidence that I bit myself TWICE really hard the day before I blew that guy off and let him cum in my mouth. Those two bite wounds were fresh and open. Omg how stupid. IF not that guy, then it is probably from the plumper who I allow him to cum on my mouth. He even commented on it too. After sex, he said" wow dude, you would let me cum in your mouth but not fuck you bareback?" WHAT is wrong with people, bareback risk is WAY WAY WAY greater than oral contact.. But I KNOW THEY DO HAVE A POINT. Why am i such a cum slut. I hope my luck is still winning out. I do not know what I would do if I catch HIV. the thought itself is almost too heavy to just think about...

Omg I feel healthy

I feel great right now. I just jacked off. Usually masturbation for gay men is like breakfast. It is something you are supposed to do everyday and we happen to skip it here and there.

Today was different. I was thinking about TH. I wanted to fuck since 8:00am on the way to work. I thought busy work would get me occupied. It indeed did but my mind had a part that was busy thinking about where he could put his cock in me all day long. So I texted him around 10am and he said he would be done with work around 6. Ok that sounds like a fuck plan right? So I was holding and controlling my sex drive all fucking day long. Precum was leaking like a faucet. Amazingly I did all my work fast regardless.

I held my urge, did my roadside 30 mins nap in Pasadena. Then I fought off the urge to head straight to his place, I went to the gym and worked out with unsurpassed efficiency. I mean in a hour I felt dizzy and buff. So that is good enough. When I got into the parking lot I immediately made a phone call. Didn't pick up. 3 calls later I felt desperate. I thought about just dropping by his place. Then the better educated part of me defeated the beast. I will not be that guy who shows up uninvited for a cock. That is just cheap. So I decided to go home jackoff and grab dinner with a friend.

Now the whole day worth of frustration and tension has been released. I have never felt better before. However, I do feel a bit depressed because I wanted sex. oh wellz...

On another note, I think all the conservative religious farts should start having sex with someone. Apparently their wives aren't doing their the favors so maybe they should start fucking each other. Then they would be much happier and stop demonizing other people.

Sexual encounters

My blog has been pretty pg-13. The reason is well one, I practice abstinent. Ok just kidding. Well I do not have all that many encounters, and second even when I do, I somehow find it extremely tiring and boring to write a sexual encounter. Also, when it comes to sex, I prefer to do it instead of writing about it. I mean what would you write down?

"oh yeah bitch that is how I like it.'

"UHHHHHH YEAHHHH"

"I AM CUMING".

How fucking dumb and tacky that is.

So I guess everything is a bit less interesting when there is no sex.

Another reason is that I never had a real relationship. You know, boyfriend, husband or fuck buddy or w/e. I did have some flings but I really do not know how I would want to categorize them even till today. I tried to write some of it but everytime when I sit in front of my computer, I find myself speechless. Sex, relationship, and encounters could be awkward as it is in real life, and now I am about to add boredom and dullness on top of it and replay the whole thing in deadly uninteresting fashion on my blog. Usually I just get rid of them after the first paragraph.

But then I do feel like mentioning them because I always wanted to have a little black book in which I record all my fuck experiences in detail. I mean the black book is already setup and I am just not sure why I am not putting my memories up on the blog.

Anyways, I guess I will start to just simply record for my own memory's sake. I am pretty sure I still cannot record graphic details for those aforementioned reasons.

Today's encounter was a white dude, age 30. He lives in Pasadena, and let's call him TH. T stands for his name and H stands for hookup. Anyways, we started talking online and he had a very beefy and muscular body, a bit hairy too. Definitely something that I never had before. So quickly we setup the time/location and I drove up to his apt. He had a dog named Skippy. How cute. The sex was o.k. I can't blame them because for one I haven't bottomed all that much so that my ass is extremely tight -_-... I need to find a regular so my ass would adapt to this kind of fucking. I sometimes do envy woman. Their vagina is such a ingenious design by nature.. ok I guess that was kinda gross... So the actual anal sex wasn't so long but I definitely had my way with his cock using my mouth. I don't know, I just like oral a lot. He was gentle actually and I liked that.

After fucking we did a brief talk and then I found out that he was actually a construction worker. No wonder the beefiness. It is very pornolicious but I am not sure if that is where I want to direct my fucking pattern in the future... Anyways I might call him again to practice.

here is how he looked like. It felt pretty good in my hands.

This week so far

The big three items on the menu for this week have been served, well, at least two of them, one was delayed.

After being canceled, rescheduled and canceled again for my HIV test, I finally complete the whole thing on Thursday. The result was NEGATIVE, thank god. I was kinda nervous and I think I looked like an idiot when I was reading that piece of result paper. The girl told me that it was anti-body non-reactive basically means negative. But I was just too absorbed in the moment, which was supposed to be a fantastic triumph or a devastating disaster. Either way it was going to be something dramatic in my mind. But it was just that simple. She told me the result in one short sentence and I was holding that paper still waiting for the big moment to come. Realizing that was it, I asked here where it said that I was negative. I couldn't find the actual result... She pointed it out and I read the short phrase antibody non-reactive over and over again. Meanwhile I kept telling myself, it was it, I was fine. But somehow I wasn't convinced and asked her if it meant it was negative and if I was going to be fine. Her answer was another short "yes". I guess she has seen too many HIV testing virgins and she just thought I was one dumb bird who found the joy of living again. Then she gave me a big envelope full of condoms. The one on top was mint flavored. I picked one up and my mind immediately flew to a hot sex scene that I have seen on porns. How the condom would feel on a giant piece of meat and it would feel to put that meat in me or I use that condom on my own meat. Ok I digress.... I snapped out of it but nevertheless the whole deal made me horny.

So, that was a very good news for me!

The second item on my list was delayed. After I emailed the recruiter more academic information, she told me that they would review it and then tell me in another WEEK OR TWO. I was a bit disappointed because she kept pushing my dates back. I talked to my friend who is already working in the firm and she told me that it was busy season now and since it is a small firm people are insanely busy. Especially at this moment, recruiting effort mainly focused on summer internship. She said she would talk for me again. I really hope this one would work out. I need this particular job for the money, security, career, and vanity.

The 3rd item went well actually. I also avoid saying "went well" after a test before the result actually comes out. I just don't feel like to jinx myself. But I studied with some friends at the library and knocked down the material pretty efficiently. I didn't have to procrastinate and stay up late late. I however stayed up late watching Queer as Folk. The actual test went OK. I felt comfortable on all the questions. Even though I wasn't sure on any of the problems. But I felt good enough to know that I would at least get partial credits on every single one that I touched. However, I will find out the result either next week or the week after that for sure. Feeling good or bad won't matter when the reality comes in the picture.

So last night, after all this has happened, I felt the need to relax. Called up a gay friend for Hookah, but the stupid Hillary Swank was premiering her new movie the Reaper or Reaping at Westwood so the entire street shut down. I couldn't find parking!! Drove from UCLA back to USC, the round trip wasted 1 hour and 20 mins of my life. I then spent another hour looking for the new Hookah cafe next to USC neighbor following my friend's instruction. Apparently, the Hookah cafe was a ghost or it was burrowed underground. We searched it street by street and we couldn't find it. So eventually we went to his place for it. He has a tiny hookah gear which was pathetic. But I wasn't in the mood hookah when the westwood stuff didn't work out. Especially we were talking about condoms again and that made me horny. So all that time I was thinking in what way I could get my friend naked. So we went back to his home and I jokingly challenged his porn hiding skill and started to dig in his hard drive for the porns he's downloaded. I did find them quite easily and started to watch it. I knew he was getting horny. So I just waited. I could tell he was getting excited by the way he positioned himself on his bed. Besides we were laying next to each other using his laptop on his bed, it was just so easy to make a move. So I did. I said all the porn made me horny if he wanted to do something on our own. He wanted to but didn't know what to say. So I saved him the trouble and tore off his pants and started it on his cock. Good size I have to admit. He said he has never been with a guy yet and he just came out. It was actually true. After working on his cock for like 10 mins which he apparently enjoyed a lot he asked me if I wanted some too. Of course I said yes. I surprised him again when I stripped down revealing that I wasn't wearing underwear. This is when I found out he really hasn't been with a guy. He was so nervous and he couldn't go down on me in the beginning. He was just stroking and then he said, "here it goes". It felt almost comical for a bit. "Here it goes?" we weren't having an operation or something. He tried to suck it but only after 3 ups and downs, and I of course pushed his head down a bit too hard, he chocked and gagged and almost puked. Ok that wasn't hot at all and I felt so bad. He was so embarrassed as well that he lost his hard on. I was like, omg, I am turning people straight. I didn't feel bad at all though. You see, he was the one I asked to be a fuck buddy. Then, he gave me all that "I wouldn't want to screw, friends would be better, and I could hurt people crap". I thought, well don't bring in the straight people's relation crap in this scene. So I just showed him what fuck buddies do. I told him it was ok and said just kiss me. I just knocked myself out, played with my tongue and his balls. I exploded all over his bed. Then I felt relaxed. Gave him a hug and left.

His roommate supposed to be gay too and he was from Hong Kong. Actually personally I wouldn't be so sure. A lot of guys from Hong Kong are extremely feminine and so tiny and fragile that they might just as well be girls. Anyway, my point was his roommate was in the room next door which was separated from our room by a thin wall. All this time that I am sucking and moaning, he was there all that time cooking dinner. I am sure he enjoyed the imagination as well. But too bad it wasn't as hot as he imagined lol... Their house must have been built using the cheapest material because you can hear everything not only next door in your house but also the houses to your left and right!! Anyway, so I finished myself up, and walked out and made eye contact with his roommate. Introduced myself and felt a bit awkward and left.

I need some experienced guy who can fuck my brains out or vice versa, people without experiences are cute, but just cute nothing more

Are sex and relationship complete two different entities nowadays?

It was an interesting Saturday night. Kiki called me and wanted to go out. Tonight's theme, according to her is fancy and chill. She wanted to go out a lounge, or a bar type of place and dress up like she is gonig to a club but instead to just "chill".

Kiki is some character. IMO, her deprivation of parental guidance and love in her teenage year fused her uncontrollable lust for attention and affection, regardless it is genuine or superfacial. Apple for apple, i guess... her friends are just the same in that department. Supposely, there is one girl who is a friend of hers, have slept with 90 guys at age of 22... That is the besides the point. The point is that Kiki is in denial. She doesn't think that she is thirsty for affection and it got so bad that she is pretty much just whoring around. That is her lifestyle, and I never tell her to do anything different because she enjoys it. But, every now and then, I am just amazed how crazy she gets, and how messed up her friends are.

Kiki just got dumped by a 30 year old white guy named David who supposely was very serious with her, and of course kiki treated him like another boy toy. But this time the only difference is that unlike her previous flings, this guy was nice and serious and dumped her when she din't play the game with right rules. She was deepenly sadden... of course, that is according to her as well, she told us that she was deeply saddened.... But tonight, she is happy. She found a temporary replacement named Richie or Ricky.. this guy has a weird tongue that pronouces his own name differently everytime I ask about his name.

Kiki called me around 9:30 and asked me where we should go. My hair stylist's client owns a lounge/bar called "Bodega wine bar" which just opened up its second venue in Santa Monica. So I was thinking, why not that place. So I contact kiki and her friends and told them where to go and how to get there. By 10:30, I arrived at Paseo Plaza. Kiki is late as always. In fact, she was still driving to Bodega around that time. So I started to get to know her friend Sharon and Sergio. Sharon, who I have already known from a day at the beach and a nightout in a club, so it was easy to start talking and joking around again. Her friend Sergio is a bit Mexican and Italian. Kinda cute, but not my type, he is a bit too creamy and model wannable. He had this crazy hair on his big head, like the feathers on a cock. We started talking and drinking, and then we decided that this place sucks. Personally, I am pretty chill when it comes to places to drink or whatever, but that night Bodega even bored me a bit because the crowd was so old. So we went to Yard House which is about 50 feet away and drank there.

Kiki eventually made it around 12:30 and as soon as she arrived we decided to go back to her place for a house party again. I really hoped that I can see Tanner again, or the white chick I kinda dig. But none of those two shoed up, so we were dancing to bunch oldschool rock music in their apt. I was having fun regardless. A llot of the guys in that room seem to be gay, but nowdays, you can never tell, there are too many gentle-man out there.

I really was tired and wanted to leave, but kiki insited me on staying longer. I wish I didn't... Because around 3:00am , the drunken Sharon felt horny and decided to bone her co-worker Sergio and asked Kiki for her room. KiKi of course is in heaven for hooking people up and bone in front her. Seriously, I sometimes see life source sparkles in her eyes when she is trying to make someone fuck others. For her it is a master plan in the making. I forgot to mentino Sharon is married at age 21 for 3.5 years. Her husband named Eddy is about 26 now and they looked very happy together. They all go to separated parties here and there, and Sharon is always crazy in the club and grinding on other people in front of Eddyw cho doesn't seem to mind at all. I really admired them in the beginning because I think it is har dto hold a relationship as it is and they can forge this strong bond and have this much trust and faith in each other is so awesome. I thought Kiki would learn some from this. But I was all wrong. Sharon and Eddie either fuck their own respective sex-buddies or Sharon is just cheating on him. What kinda disgusted me was that Sharon didn't even try to hide it from anywhere.

It makes me wonder, what is going on with people nowadays, do sex even mean anything. I guess everyone has their wild side. Sure I would probably try to fuck around if timing is right, but wouldn't it make a difference if the people involved are MARRIED?

Kiki just called, and she told me not to tell anyone and they didn't do anything. Yeah right...."trust" is a myth, it was never meant to be in people's real life.