Hiccup?

I don't know. I feel like this whole incident was like a giant painful hiccup. 

My dad, after three days of sulking, constipating and ignoring, he seems to slowly return to normal.  I was so 110% sure that he knew, now I am only 99% sure that he knew.  Whatever thought process that he went through with his best logic as he knows it, has made him completely oblivious toward current situation.  He now is in a full on denial mode.  

I was anxiously waiting for "the talk" or at least his desperate cry for his broken heart. Whatever it was, I thought it would be some kind of outcry, at least to my mom.  I wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all because he refused to look at me for three days and whenever he has to pass me by, he would make that heavy breathing sound.  It is quite creepy I think.  But now he is just silent once again.  He is a master of drama I have to say.  The physical silent treatment just closed its curtain, now the psychological void emerges. 

I truly do not understand this man.  Yes I am his son and whether I like it or not I have his traits. For example, sometimes, I just can't stfu. Another example would be self victimizing, which I try so desperately to correct. But overall, I feel that this man and I have fundamental differences regarding prospect of life in general.  I love him in a way that how families HAVE to love each other and nothing more.  I care about him because I have to.  He is my father and I am no animal.  But other than that I really just don't get him at all.  The list can go on and on.  

Deep down I knew today would come.  As a precaution, I kept telling them to be more independent.  Yes, I try to make them emotionally detached from me.  Cook a great meal for my mom, do something for yourself. It is not like we are living in a third world country with a third world living standard.  You have the capacity to enjoy life.  Instead, he would get mad if I don't eat dinner at home.  He would get mad if I come downstairs for dinner 10 mins too late.  He would get mad if I tell him don't cook dinner for me tonight because I had prior plans.  

"I did this just for you."

You FUCKING cooked rice. 

This emotional baggage! His constant reminder of "You owe your life to me" is his way of showing his love.  It is so traditionally Chinese that I want to fucking puke.  You know My MOM could enjoy some fucking rice that is just made for her. Turn your attention to your spouse who is probably gonna spend more time at the end stage of your life!  I am FINE. I am only independent when you want me to be.  I am only as grown up as you wish to believe.  

I seriously feel that because of him, I need years of therapy.  I am more fucked up with him than without.  His fatherly love has never made a warm impression in my whole life and yet everyone around me can attest that he loves me and cares so much about me.

Again I guess it comes down to the fundamental differences. For me, if you are a man, fucking take care yourself and make sure you can at least make the impression that you can out live your spouse. THAT is the ultimate commitment. That is the ultimate promise.  You let people in your life know that You WILL BE FINE.  Even though we are not counting on it, but that is the best ANYONE can do for your family members who truly love you.  I can care much less about some dinner and shit.

He on the other hand, focuses things on the microscopic scale. The dinner, the attitude, the chores and all that random shits become the fabrics of his version of the perfect family.  Oh yeah, he also eats shit load of salt, sugar, fat, and he smokes.  He sleeps late and wakes up early and mentally gets fucked the whole day, then complains about being stressful and tired in America.  He saves pennies, yet doesn't spend anytime invest.  He has high blood pressure, potential heart problem, thick blood, and of course 20 some years of smoking has almost completed spelling lung cancer for him.  On top of that, my grandpa died from colon cancer, and my dad is 55 years old and has yet checked his colon. 

When confronted, he always blames these on other things. Oh if I am rich I would do all these maintenance every day.  It is always about money... !? Bullshit. Yes health insurance purchased by individuals is expensive but with careful planning it is doable. Plus this is the money you should spend, quit smoking would be something on top of the to do list.  

I remember when my uncle in law died from kidney failure, you cried your eyes out right before the corpse was sent to the incinerator.  For what?  Because deep down, you know that would be you in a decade?  You probably already figured out that you have no will power that would steer your bad habits, just like my dead uncle in law.  I still don't know wtf you cried about.  You two had such a bad  relationship and you both looked down on each other, then why the tears back then?  My mom said you were shaken by the sight.  Apparently not shaken enough to learn anything from it.

Always playing the blame game! He has never reflect on himself EVER.  I think I started really hating him when he told me that "It is right because I say it is right because I am always right." From there on he lost all his credibility and that was when I was about 12 years old.  

After 10 years in America, he still cannot speak one full sentence of English and he still has to write numbers reading from a chart and this is when he handles all the family checks and finances. Trust me he has written a lot of checks!  On the contrary everyone that we know in our life, has learned English to some degree. He doesn't even fucking try.  We have a family business and my mom has to do EVERYTHING. He just chooses to do the physical works then complains about being too stressful, physically.  Ok you are getting older so I guess we can tolerate that.  But when asked what he wants to do exactly since he complains about everything that he does nowadays.  His answer? "nothing, I just want to sit around and do nothing, enjoy life." Life of a what? Even sloth would climb trees. It is so obnoxious that I feel hard to breath when I hear that.  I am still mad.  I am mad that in my mind my dad wouldn't be like this.  He is so hypocritical, so selfish, and so irresponsible. I used to believe if that my dad was more of a role model and manly, I wouldn't be gay.  I know that is not true now but I think that thought that belief and that expectation still made a heavy dent in my relationship with him.  He just wants to be a domestic king and a social wuss.  Let me correct that, he can only be a domestic king because social status isn't handed to him so he is ok with being a social wuss that just doesn't know when to stfu.  At least I used to be able to be sympathetic and now I am even worried that I am just so indifferent toward him.

All of this, how does this make him responsible, how does this show that he cares?

I am so frustrated and fed up with his arrogance and ignorance over the years. 

Plus my teenage years... that is another post. This particular post that I often mention about, will be done soon but it is going to be a heavy one down to the memory lane...

Now after you figure out your son is gay, all you can come up is a silent and odorless fart. Playing the victim for three days and now you are silent?

Of course, this again has to be about YOU.  You are the victim of the family. Hell, as you claimed that you are the victim of your own family back in my grandma's ages. I have to say maybe he is traumatized but he never tried to pick himself out of that. 

He STILL talks about the hardship that he endured back in the Cultural Revolution in China. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND PROBABLY DIED. You, dad, on the other hand just weren't fed enough. 

I always asked my mom, do you really love dad? I know she never loved him in the beginning, but it was the good nature of hers that made her commit and finally sincerely cherished the family. Her own words, "the first time I saw your dad, he wasn't bad". "however, my coworker said your dad's look was very bland."

That is just fucking wonderful, the least he could do is to give me a prettier face. Everything is just fucked up. Now I am just really ranting.

I don't know.  I feel like my relationship with my dad has dropped down to a dimension that is beyond time and physics.  It was as if it was nice and warm all of sudden it was a ugly blur and now I just don't care anymore.  How pathetic is this really?

-----

Here is the HNT picture, in case you are confused what part of my body this is... This is my leg, the thigh, knee, leg area.

Whenever I am super stressed I dwell back into the world of video games, usually the time consuming ones... I am play FF11 right now. It is great, I tend to forget a lot. Better than stuffing my face I think, that would be deadly on my weight. This weekend should be fun, going out gay clubbing again, and the long beach pride. sigh I think I really need it. Next weekend, I am trying to plan this Getty's Museum visit. I don't know why I just really want to be there for some reason, that place sounds just so peaceful

Wow... this could be fatal

Ok, I think my mom just accidentally outted me to my dad and my dad has been mad at my mom regarding business stuff. So now I am not even sure what he is mad about at this moment. He didnt come home till now and he is on his way. He didn't talk much which makes it all that more creepy. I am seriously worried about my safety and my mom's safety. What if he stabs all of us to death and burn the house down? And my stupid mom, she loved my conversation with her regarding gay issue so much that she copy/pasted it from MSN messager and sent a copy of the transcript to herself. Of course my mom and dad use the same email account and he read it.

He then asked my mom about the conversation. Even though all my talking was in English, but my mom typed in Chinese and made it pretty obvious that we were talking about me. So he asked my mom "what exactly was this conversation about? Is there anything between you and him?"

I have no idea waht I should do right now. I was worried if he commits suicide just now because he didn't come home now I think he will probably go for homicide instead. It is kinda sad that I think my dad is capable of this but I really think he is.

I really don't need this right now. This is truly fucked up.


--- update,

now he walked looking very depressed. I didn't look up because i didn't want to make eye contact and my heart is beating very fast. It's been such a long time that I somehow lost all my courage and confidence in front of him. He walked straight to the bathroom and took out some underwear that I put there to dry and tossed them on the chair. He locked door and started blowing his nose 3 times. I wonder if he is crying. Then my mom came back and we started talking a bit about what we should do. Then suddenly we hear the shower.

I am so freaking nervous rright now it is feels surreal.

Shower just stopped and I am carefully listening to the sound coming from the bathroom. Silence...

I just went downstairs to calm my mom because she is rambling about how careless now. I am like god freaking calm down apparently you are being careless as right now. What if he comes down and hears you right now. She is losing it.

Came back up stairs and I can hear hair blowdrier. Hmmm All this sounds so creepy. I feel it is too calm. The daily routine suddenly feels like a final preparation before execution. God I hope today just passes as if nothing happened. But who am I kidding, my mom said that he was reading a DICTIONARY when she arrived at the office. I think he is also shaving right now... omfg...

He came out looking all sad and having a blank stare. He went to his room and locked the door. Now my mom is asking him to open the door and he said he is going to sleep. But he refuses. Sigh wtf is going on. She is asking him to eat and he said leave him alone.

It is over. He knows.

A weird morning

Everything has been great this weekend till this morning.

Saturday I met up with one of my old buddies and we hit up Huntington Beach for a day of relaxation. He picked me up around 11:00 and we got there 11:50am. Such a short distant I probably should go to this beach from now on. The sun was out, bright and hot. However, the wind was cold and the water was freezing. Most noticeably, the fog refused to disappear. I am not talking about some fuzziness in the air that might stop me from checking out a hot guy. I am talking about some hardcore fog. We could barely see the waves while standing on the beach. Looking at the shore, we really couldn't see the condos. I guess this is something happens often in this area since all the beach goers didn't seem to mind the fog at all. So after 1 hour sun bathing, my friend and I finally decided to go in the water. Normally I wouldn't jump in due to the sub zero temperature of the water. But I dared him to go in so now there is no going back for me. Five minutes in the water was enough for me I couldn't feel my legs and I had very short breathe. I guess this is how you would feel if one day you are in the unfortunate hypothermia scenario. Definitely horrible. We played around talked a lot and just totally enjoyed the day. The fog was enjoying it too. It came and went like it was having fun along with the beach goers. But finally it took its last bow around 2:00pm and the tanning couldn't get any better.

My buddy and I talked about season pass to Big Bear so we could go snowboard all winter long. We talked about relationship and friends and career. It was again just really relaxing and I didn't have to care what I had to say. It was refreshing for the mind. After the beach we went to this small joint nearby called "Taco Surf". I had one of the baddest burrito for a long time. That along with a very sweet and well mixed strawberry Margarita, the afternoon has never seemed to be so beautiful haha. We totally pigged out because the portion was so large. Laughed a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, def good times.

This prompted me to tell him that I was gay. But he is in fact homophobic. This kinda scares me a bit. I do not want to lose another friend because of this and he is a really hard working, sincere guy. I guess I will just keep hanging out with him throughout the winter see where this leads us.

--

This morning I had a dream. Well technically speaking, it was afternoon because I woke up at 2:00pm. In the dream I was at a small bar and people were talking, drinking, and eating. I somehow was sitting in front of the girl who outted me to her boyfriend and brother despite the fact that I specifically told her not to. I don't know why I dreamed about drinking with her because she really wasn't on mind for a long time. Then suddenly the whole bar became quiet because it was the hourly "cell phone" time. Supposedly in this short period of time, everyone could use the cell phone and call people they need to talk to and everyone should speak at a low volume so that their conversation with their friends and family can go on interrupted. Then one of my good friends back in the last semester at USC came by. She is in the i-banking business now and working in San Francisco. I was so surprised she came. We started to talk as if we were still in school. It was so nice. Then she told me, Hamilton, you really need a career change, you can do soo much more. Come on change it. Then I just woke up.

Indeed, I miss this girl from USC. She is smart, talented at what she does, and very sociable. I called her right away and we talked about this dream, career etc on the phone for a bit. Ah... I hope I can head up there soon. I need to keep these quality people in my life close. Also I had to mention that she was so sweet to ask me if I am seeing anyone and ensured me I would find the right one when I am ready. haha. so sweet.

Anyways, I am going to eat now and watch the Emmy's. One of my coworker is actually going to the Emmy's. So fancy, it is just like how my managers rocked out at the VMA. When can I roll like that????? damn.

Life Moves on

It always does, no matter what happens.

Post coming out to my mom has been amazing. The second day was just as painful though. She still looked devastated and we would cry as soon as the quietness reoccupy the room. It is even harder because we had to hide it from my dad. She said some even more hurtful things such as "I wish I never had you so wouldn't suffer though this abomination" or "how about we die together." Yes she did go there. I kept my cool and focused on the ball. The key was to keep talking to her. I wouldn't leave a single moment and let her mind go wild on its own. I had to drag her out of that self loathing spiral and make her understand that it is MY life and MY issue to deal with. She needed to stop worrying for me (at least for the wrong reasons), and she needed to stop mentally enslaving herself to become a victim. She has been an incredibly strong woman and she has been trying to keep an open mind. As soon as she started talking, I knew it was going to be a good journey from there and on.

I was absolutely right, after 3 days of constant communication she has already made almost an 180 degrees turn. Even though she still wanted me to try girls and allegedly a nerd is coming from Australia and she wants me to see her (my eyes have rolled to the back of my confused brain), she and I are very clear that my attraction to guys is way more compared to girls and she really know that most likely I would end up with a guy.

I think it was three days ago that she told me she read an article about a Chinese guy coming out to his parents. Her mom's reaction was the same. The family was just like our family which has been very traditional and they maintained a healthy environment since the kid was little. In the article, the gay dude made his mom a grandma in 5 years. So after my mom read it, her comments were "I guess things work out, it might not be so bad." Even though I could tell that it wasn't something that she originally planned but after literally days of communication, along with her own tremendous effort, her view and her hopes started to transform. As I told her, since we are living in this world, we are already the lucky ones. Look at the brighter side of all things and life will move along much better. People really don't appreciate or understand this until they encounter some grief adversity I guess. I think once something traumatic happens, the recovery definitely makes a person better if the person is willing to direct him/herself to the right path.

--

For those of you who left me messages, emails, and phone calls, I have to say a very sincere thank you. Without this blog, I think my accidental coming out wouldn't come so soon and I think life has become much better and easier. For that I have to appreciate the mere chance of starting a blog so randomly. Also, more importantly, I have to say thank you again to those of you who kept talking to me online. Topics might be random but the communication, gay related or not build up confidence in me and I really really appreciate that. Amit, I am fine. Hehe don't worry, I didn't jump off a tall building and check out. lol~~

--

ok back to my regular gay rant. I know from here and on I think the blog will not likely have anything huge and dramatic for a while. It is going to be boring and rant filled, so turn away if you wish hehe.

I went to the outlet, wasn't so much for the shopping but to just hanging out more with my friends.

I somehow have a gut feeling that in a year or two, my life will have another transformation and so will my friends. For example, my best friend is comtemplating wether or not to take Dior's offer. If she does, she has to sign a five year contract and travel to a different place every month. I always wanted to keep everyone close by so I feel a sense of community. However, we are all growing up and we have to burst the bubble and start to live our lives. LA is just one fucked up city and there is a whole world outside of California and even America. Anyways, back to my story...

Rishi shut up, outlet is for people too! It was great. At YSL an obvious gay couple were shopping. They weren't fem or anything. But the way they interacted with each other and how they dressed and how the older one checked me out once I entered were all clear signs. I think the older one was the younger one's sugar daddy because he seemed to be paying the bill. Hehe. I know I am so cynical. On the way out, a pair of white boys dressed up like Euro trash meets California surfer wanna bes walked pass us laughing and chatting. The long haired one stopped and definitely checked me out with failed subtlety. I mean he did that seemed to be looking down but actually looking at you kinda thing. haha I loved it, I mean it is always great when someone nice checking you out! lol~~ Then when I went to True Religion, a David Beckham kinda guy was shopping there and I couldn't take my eyes off him. We exchanged looks but I was sure he wasn't into me. I mean if he stepped in a gay club he would demand attention whereas I just sit at the corner... However, my friend said he was gross due to his dark pink sandals. Yeah I think it is kinda gross too haha.

I don't know I think once your parent knows, you feel more comfortable doing whatever you are doing. It isn't so bad anymore.

--

On another note, I am cutting a friend of my life again. This is the 3rd time I am doing this to friends who I have met over 3 full years. In fact one was 8 years, then a 3 years, and this one was going for the 4th year. It is truly sad but I think once you see a person's essence, there is no need to waste your time on people who don't deserve it. It is not so much Holier than Thou attitude, rather, it is how compatible you feel. I am always really nice to people and the idealistic side of me always dreamed about everyone lives happily together and people treat each other with respect, care, and sincerity. Apparently, my practical side has been winning the battle since the beginning of time as I know it. The teacher that I blogged about, told us that you would be considered lucky if you could make more than two true friends in your life. It is true. Personally, I think true friends would be friends would give you the truth with all the good intentions, friends would overcome jealousy and embrace your success, friends who would treat your problems like their own and help you succeed, and friends who wouldn't be afraid of correcting your horrible personal traits. It is a one chance world and you just can't fuck it up. For gay men, it is even easier. Just see which friend of yours would stand up for you when you are the minority. I don't mean it like they have to march on the street for gay marriage. But how they react to your transformation, how they treat the topic around, and how they initiate their interaction around you and your gay friends all speak louder than their words. I am sure a lot of people are "cool" with it now, but sadly it isn't so true. They still do not fully understand what exactly it is like to be gay. A lot of them claim they are cool with it means a mere "I am not dumping you out of my life" assurance. Yes, as sad as it sounds, that is their acceptance.

The reason I am writing this is because it has to do with my recent coming out. The process has been very easy except for the mom. I really naively thought my friends were cool with it. However, I think I learned a lesson that "cool" with it isn't right. We do not need tolerance. We tolerate diseases, we tolerate a tyrant, we tolerate bad weathers. We need respect and equality. I want to be treated like I am no different than anyone else around me. We are normal people; we aren't diseases. Cool with it already has some sort of "doing you a favor" "I am very holy and moral" connotation to it. What they do not understand, also, we as closeted gays who fail to notice in this chaotic process, is that somehow their acceptance of our sexual identity has made them morally superior. So OUR issues become something that is entirely about them! I am not making an over generalizing comment here. I am sure a lot of people are really accepting it and supporting it for me. But yesterday I just learned that some may not and I think every self respecting gay man should open their eyes and really see what is going on.

I came out to a friend named J a couple months ago. Her boyfriend is Asian and extremely fob. So I never liked him to begin with. Her brother is about 5'6", skinny to the bones, and kinda fem, so if anything he would be identified as the gay man. The boyfriend and the brother both look like genuine bottoms but due to their delirious minds, they just don't see it. Yet, they are homophobic, and they think I am gay because, 1. I don't like to fix up my car. (yeah you heard it right, fucking fobs get a grip, making a fake turbo on your fucked up Toyota doesn't make you straight), 2. I seem to argue about useless shit with people, you know like, topics like respect. This friend of mine was a bit of shall we say immature. She could be friendly all the time but when you count on her doing something important, she always seems to flake out. The people in our group all tolerated her antics because she looks like 16 even though she is already 23. But who would really argue with her since she looks like 16??

Anyways because of all this, I really just wanted to maintain a healthy normal friend relationship with her. I know that because of all the differences and the lack of reliability and trust wouldn't make us the best of friends but she was good enough for me to tell her who I really was. I told her, she was shocked and she said she was honored that I trusted her enough to share this with her. (I was happy that she suddenly said something so supportive). I told her, DO not tell your bf and brother because they are homophobic even though they look gayer than I am. I don't know them, period, and they like to gossip so please DO NOT SHARE this information. However, if they directly ask you if I was gay due to some unusual circumstances, such as catching me chatting with you about guys etc, I guess it is ok to let them know. But DO NOT voluntarily advertise this. She said "oh, man that is gonna be hard, but ok I promise you I won't since it is something about 'life and death"'. I was assured because she said something so profound, she seemed to understand the magnitude of this issue and the importance of my privacy.

One month later, both her brother and boyfriend knew. And I just figured that out 3 days ago. When I confronted her, she used her signature "omg, so annoying, I don't' know what is going on, it just happened, I don't know I don't know I don't know." response. She then proceeded with some lame and vague excuse. Her explanation was because her bf and brother always talk about it so she felt really annoyed. In her mind, by telling them that I was gay would stop them from talking about me being potentially gay. First of all, if they are as straight as they sound, why would they sit together and talk about which guy would possibly be gay SO MUCH that you couldn't even just ignore it. Secondly, how is telling them that I am gay gonna stop them from talking. So much for the "life and death" comment. Their bitch mouths would be splashed all over the places and spread more about the perpetual Asian gay stereotypes, you know, I don't like to fix up my car. (seriously, what kinda fucking retards fix up cars, if you aren't rich, spend the money on investments educations and read a bit more; if you are rich, get a Bentley or Ferrari already.) The fact that she awkwardly lied about her motive was even more insulting. I mean do I look like that I am that stupid to believe this shit that she smeared all over my face?

I do not know what part of DO NOT tell them she didn't understand. I guess coming out does show who are your real friends. For them it is not a big deal to just talk about it like if they farted or not in the morning. What is even worse that they would probably just turn around and call me over sensitive. See how she made this shit completely about her and made it in a way that I coudln't even blame her for what she did. I mean what kind of douchebag would I be if I blame her for her attempt to stop them from talking about me being right?

I mean can you imagine when you rely them on something even less significant? The utter lack of respect, trust, and outright ignorance are the final draw for me. The world is large and people do come in and go in your life. I am not going to waste my time on useless fuck ups like this anymore. Man I shouldn't have bought her that fucking Juicy Couture make up bag a week ago. God I am so fucking blind.

Anyways rant off.

Thanks Rishi for the phone call I had a good laugh!

Coming out to my mom - 2

Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.

So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.

My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.

"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.

I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."

"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"yeah..."
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"

By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.

"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."

She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.

It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.

"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"

Pause,

"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"

Silence.

"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."

Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.

Half jokingly, "are you gay?"

Silence
"ARE YOU?"

More tears.

Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"

"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.

She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"

Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,

"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.

I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.

She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"

I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.

She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"

She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.

All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.

"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."

She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.

"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."

"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."

She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.

Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.

Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.

"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."

"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."

She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"

"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."

Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.

But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.

Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.

"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."

"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."

For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.

This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.

Coming out to my mom - 1

I think I am as in shock as she is.

The coming out was totally unplanned, unscripted, and seemed to be unnecessary at the end. Again I am so in shock that I am not sure if I should feel regret about it or not yet.

The whole thing happened because of a fight. I had a big argument with my dad again regarding some very stupid problem and then I was just angry the whole night. In addition, I am turning 24 this Friday and I have always have this conflicted feeling toward birthdays. I think it is great that you are moving on, involuntarily, but at the same time it is so incredibly sad because life isn't giving you enough time to reflect and enjoy and in my case to plan my coming out. Everyday, on the back of my mind, I somehow think about how I am living in a lie to my parents and how incredibly stupid this whole situation is. For some conservative American families, this might be a big deal since being gay is never celebrated. But for my family it is beyond just moral and psychological disorders. Because I am the only child, I have also carried on their dreams, their hopes, and their drive for better lives since I was a kid. Being gay means destroying all these establishments mentally for my mom. I am so scared to even talk about gay issues with her not mentioning telling her that her very own son is also gay.

People always say mothers always know, even they deny it, they still got it down in the back of their minds. Well some people are wrong. My mother had absolutely no freaking clue so it made my whole night even more dramatic and difficult.

Anyways. After feeling blue for a while I decided to just go to bed. Somehow my tired mind and body decided not to hit the sack. My mind went wild while I laid still on my bed. First it was just how irrational my dad has become and how great if my dad were more understanding, logical, and supportive. Not just to me but also to the whole family. I think if there is a crisis, his demeanor would just make things even more intense for my mom. Then I just felt really bad for my mom. She's given up a lot for me here in America and she really has no agenda for me whatsoever. Unlike many other Chinese parents, she never made me do a thing that I didn't want to do. I don't like to be a doctor, ok fine don't study medicine; I think being a lawyer is boring, that is ok, don't study law, etc. She has just always been very supportive and all she wanted is to make me happy and grow up as a decent person. She is a very strong woman yet extremely emotional and sometimes irrational when her emotion takes over. So at times I think she would take the news well but then I felt that she would probably go insane and just completely lose it. I really don't know what to think and what to believe. Usually my brief coming out courage would be stopped right here when I think about her emotional strength. I just really don't wish anymore hardship and pain on her side. She is getting old and I just want her to be happy too. That is all I can ask for. I hope she can live happily for another twenty years, watching me getting a family and enjoying a couple grandchildren. That is really I want for her and I am sure she isn't asking for more. The simplicity of her hopes is even more taunting for me to do any coming out attempts because I feel that I cannot even satisfy her simplest wish in her life. Al these thoughts made me feel very frustrated at myself and at the situation. So eventually I started to imagine again. I am sure a lot of gay closet kids do this too. You imagine yourself brave enough to break the news and your parents would just come over and give you a huge hug, telling you that you are still their favorite son. No matter what happens you got a family that got your back. Isn't that a nice image to have? Every time I think about this I would feel just a little bit better because I know there is still hope, things might not be as bad as I think. Also for a brief moment I believe this image. I want it so bad that I can feel it and taste it. I always have a small smile to just think about how nice it'd be if my dream is true and how fearless I would become when my family really has my back. However, tonight, this imagery is playing tricks on me, it won't leave me alone. The well accepted coming out scene is played over and over and in each subsequent replay, my mom reacted to it better.

I really started to believe that it was possible to have this happy ending. I really thought that maybe my mom really does know for a long time that maybe she just doesn't know how to break the ice. Then I made a decision. I will plan a nice dinner probably at the end of this year and just ell her then. Whatever happens then I will have to deal with it, there is no running away anymore. However, I was so caught up in this master plan that I actually felt a bit pumped up. Now there is really no way that I can sleep anymore. So I just kept on thinking. After this brief triumphant moment, I started to think about how lonely and unhappy that I feel because of this situation. The future is always this dangerous area for and the approaching birthday is like a death alarm clock that goes off the same time every year warning me I have only so little time left before I come clean. Just in a blink of an eye, I became extremely depressed again. Then I heard it, my mom coming up stairs. I didn't really want to tell her anything tonight but somehow I just really wanted my mom to be around tonight so I said
"Can't sleep, wanna just come here and sit around me for a little bit? That will be nice you know."
Never to reject a chance to spend some time with her only son, she said
"of course".

The Iphone!!

I seriously wasn't into it before just because everyone else seems to be crazy about it. But now it is out and after watching some Ads and video clips of how iphone works, I have to say that I am very intrigue. god damn those apple product makers. But 500 dollars hmmm where can I cough that much money up? Maybe I should follow the fine steps of some other fellow bloggers, sell my underwear and semen online. Oh sell a kidney. Yes, I got two you know... gah...

On a more serious note, I got an interview on July 3rd. It is a job that I need but don't really want. It pays ok but a bit underwhelming to my standard. We will see what happens.

Last night I went to a see a friend of mine and I told her that I was gay. She was shocked but totally supportive. I actually feel good that my friends, are all very supportive and mature. I mean you would think that in 2007 the "coming out" process should have already been eliminated but oh no, people like to hate each other based on simple and stupid reasons. W/E!!

A shout out to SSR, hope it is not as painful now and you get well fast!

Another shout out for Jay, thanks for all the help!! Really appreciate it.

Also, just quickly mention some of the blog site discoveries. Thanks for Justin, I now read Nothing Golden Stays, you can find it in my blogroll. I feel that his blog is so representative of how people are when they are in the closet for a long time and finally feel this ain't right no more. As I said in my first post, blogging is a great to just rant and vent till you have enough real courage to rant and vent to your own friends. Nice write, cool attitude, I like it a lot.

Also, I linked Urban Insanity. I have read that blog once before, liked it, but didn't link it. Then I couldn't find it anymore. Now that I come across it again, I have to say I still like it very much! The guy is a macho lawyer and from that tiny pix he posted I feel that he looks pretty hot too haha. Most intriguing part of his blog is how he writes his encounters like a documentary in which events are recorded by a timeline and he comes back to update the same post when there is some development. The writing flows very well and it is a good read that is hard to stop. I just wish that he would write more. He updates very slowly.

Finally, I am going to post this Iphone Boy, very very cute imo. Plus this little thumbnail a friend of mine sent from NY. He asked me if I think this guy is cute so he can decided whether or not to bone him. Well he is cute alright but what I really want to know is who is gonna bone me! darn it. Also the same friend told me he used to hang out with Chad White, !~@#~!@~~~~... I was gonna post a pic of me at Seoul airport since it is one of the only few pictures I took in this trip. I actually had a lot of good places where I could take pictures but my mom hogged the camera and we kept forgetting to charge it! But upon opening this picture, which was taken after 14 hours of flight and probably 6 hours of dozing off, I don't look so well and I decided not to post it! Ah....

Sunday drives me crazy

I remember that when I was a little kid, like 6-8, I used to get extremely nervous on Sunday nights. The thought of going to school and the long week ahead always freaked me out. It got better and better for me over the years. For a while I really thought that feeling was gone. However, lately I just discovered that that feeling was never gone. It mutated into something else. Instead of hitting me on the Sunday nights, it became this constant pressure over my life.

Every Sunday, or whenever before my big tests, that feeling comes back. It reminds me of my procrastination and what I am doing with my life. Is the stuff that I am doing really for me? Till today, after spending tons of money at USC and two majors later, I still have this doubt. I always want to own a business on my own but then the goal is so risky and far fetched at this moment, I have to force my mind back to the mind-numbling shit that I am doing now.

I am working on a corporate tax project. It is a bit interesting in a way but overall it is so boring, and this is what I am gonna do after graduation. The very thought of that is just kinda depressing. I caught JP online today and chatted a little bit. A TV person I would like to call. Doesn't matter if it is for news or entertainment at least it is freaking TV. I don't really know what is going on in that job so I guess I can't whine too much about my profession.

I really wish that I could be so sure about something that is as important as my career. But really, after all these efforts, I still dont know and the uncertainty scares me. The social life comes along with the professions that I chose, involves nothing but drinking after work. I do not mind doing it a bit, but somehow just drinking for the sake of relaxing doesn't appeal to me. And really, how hard can you party when you have to work 40-60 hours a week? It is not I am lazy and do not want to work. It is just that I want to do something that has real means to it and has the potential to change people's lives. I really do not think changing people's life is such a big goal as a lot of my friends may consider. Everyone's action can ignite a chain of events which will change people's lives in ways you can never imagine. I think if one finds something he/she loves and does it well, it is bound to change people's lives and in turn to form the society we live in. That has some real meaning to it.

Anyways, the reason that I am ranting is because it is Sunday again and the freaking numbers won't match. God I hate numbers. I often wonder why I chose finance and accounting as my majors.

Last night, I went out with Hester and her sister Carla for a cup of coffee. Carla just lost her Dior bag in her gym. Actually it was stolen. The thief returned her cellphone and told her that she "found" the cellphone. Her credit card was used for purchasing bunch of random stuff. The bag is like 1,000 dollars and she was crying her eyes out. But at least when I got there she was already over it and appeared to be totally fine. It is nice to see her again, she is very energetic girl. Carla is a bit more flirtatious than her sister Hester, who is my close friend. So we had coffee talked about some random shit. It was a very nice coffee break. Very laid back and very random, just the way I like it. Then we talked about how we missed Pink's hotdog in Hollywood. We used to grab hotdogs from that place everytime we went clubbing in Hollywood. So as spontaneous as we are, we just drove to Hollywood to eat hotdogs.

Carla is a nice girl but we are not very close because we really do not have the chance to hang out. I have been toying with the idea of telling her that I am gay. I already know it is not gonna be a big deal because Hester already showed me that her family is very friendly to gay people. Even though I already knew the outcome, I was still nervous to say that three words. So I started to hint her to see if she could catch my drift.

I said "oh Hollywood, we haven't gone clubbing for a while."
Carla, "I know."

" You know, West Hollywood is pretty cool too. Hester and I have been there for a couple times."
Hester is not saying a word. She was listening tentatively and waiting to see Carla's reaction.

"oh really, I have never been there before." Suddenly, she corrected herself, still speaking with her energetic voice, "you know actually Angel brought me to a club in West Hollywood with his uncle. His uncle is gay and we went to this place called...R..r..Rave? It was so fun; so many hot guys there, and Angel's two teammates went with us too and they kept grabbing on me so other guys won't hit on them. It was so funny and we had a great time. It was pretty cool."

"It is Rage." I said.

"Oh yeah! Rage"

At this point, I would have asked how do you know if I were Carla. I was surprised that she didn't. So I said, "have you guys gone to Abbey or Mickey's?"

"Nope."

Hester couldn't hold it any longer, just said that I was gay. Carla was like, "what?" and then she yelled "really" and became all excited. Then she fell quiet and started to 'assess" all the information. It was pretty funny.

Let me talk about Carla's boyfriend Angel a bit. First of all, Angel is the real name... And he is a 6'3" football player. So he is huge and he has a VERY SWEET smile and he is just a very fucking hot piece of meat. Carla told me that Angel's uncle is 26 (I was like wth...) and looks just like him. That is just too hot. I told Carla that she should introduce me to Angel's uncle. That would be so sweeeet. According to Carla, he is a dancer and also in law school. Beh he probably won't be interested in a finance guy who doesn't really know how to dance then :<. But I think it'd be really nice to meet someone new.

After Pink's, I really wanted to go to Westwood for some Hookah, but these sisters got really tired. So we went home. Ah... I wish the weekend could be much longer though! So not ready for school next week. I've got two big assignments and Meet the Firm event on Thursday. It is time to kiss ass again. WEeee. I CANNOT WAIT.

oh well, life goes on...

A drunken mess

I dont normally get drunk because I know that I can't hold my liquor well when I take shots, the only way I know how to drink. I usually try my best to not to drink too much in the public because I know it is just not a good picture to look at. But last Saturday was different, it was the USC football homecoming game. Michele was going to the game for the first time. Despite the fact that USC screwed their students for this semester with the disgusting seat shortage (8k student seats are reduced to 4k AFTER spirit season tickets are sold out, classy), and we were pretty sure that we weren't gonna get the tickets, we still decided to get drunk and go support. Hester brought a brand new bottle of Tequila Patron. It was the larger package too. We didn't waste anytime. With our determination, we finished the bottle in about 1 hour, and the rest just went from a happy time to a drunken blur and then all I knew was that the whole situation turned very ugly. I even thought to myself, "I will regret this, ha ha ha." But it was too late.

Now I reflect on what has happened, and I don't really know what happened. Before even when I was extremely drunk, I haven't been this relentless and this brutally intrusive. I wrestled a guy to the floor and all I could think about was how good it would feel if he could fuck me. He was clearly straight and his friends who were also Michele's new found friends were pretty shocked. Hester passed out but had sudden spurs of energy which transformed into different displays of her remaining life source. She would suddenly ran and swirl and then fall like a dead leaf. We then screamed, ran, and passed out more on campus near Tommy Trojan. I know that I kissed a lot of people, people who were probably more happy if they were left alone. But I dont know what it was that just kept fueling me to do all these crazy things. It is more than achohol.

Eventually we ended up back to Michele's place. I hardly remembered how we went back. I felt bad that she had to stay to make sure that we were ok. I know it is highly immature and definitely not something that I do on purpose, but I really do enjoy being taken care of. I think it is Peter Pan syndrome, or maybe because I have no siblings. Being taken care of feels good. But of course I would always return this kind of favor in some other way. I need to snap out of this phase, it is getting old fast. I am afterall 23 already.

That was the night. The second day, I spent the whole day hanging out with Dodonna. She is going back to Taiwan for vacation pretty soon. She bought me two really nice shirts for Christmas sicne she is not gonna be here around that time. So we decided to shop for her present. I ended buying her a pair of Juicy flats and a eyeliner thingy with 5 different colors. She was really happy. It is so cute when she is happy. I dont know, I really wished that she was my real sister, then I could open up even more and give her more love. I know it sounds strange that you have to "give" love; it sounds so material and superfacial, but I think realistically speaking, love is given, it doesn't just happen so naturally and romantically. It is never ideal. Anyway, she was buying some Xmas tree decor items for her co-workers and managers. The sheer amount of different combinations of colors and patterns of globes totally consumed her. So I just started to check out people. I saw this guy. Very clean, with sandles on, which are my favorite thing since they show feet, and I think guys with clean and bare feet are so fucking hot. He was older than I was for sure, a bit gay vibe but still masculine. I dont know I think he is the boyfriend type. So I just kept staring back and later I just stared at him. Seriously, I got more excited than having sex in some way. This is like taboo lol...I am like totally checking out a guy in a public area. It is a bit more than I could handle. It is thrilling and fun like a hide and seek. I am sure he noticed that I was checking him out and he did look back at my direction. But there was nothing, I dont think there was connection or anything since he didn't smile or make more eye contact. I couldn't talk to him either since Dodonna is still clueless about my sexuality.

But that made me think. I think I am becoming more and more ruthless and brave. Coming out is definitely a process, it takes time. I feel like I am learning how to swim. I had the first diving-in and choked in water experience, and now I am just treading lightly in some shallow water that I can handle. It is a new found freedom. The more I explore in this realm, the less I care about what other people think I guess. That is why I openly "molested" that guy on campus, thanks to the extra push from achohol. I feel bad for him though. I messaged him today on facebook and later added him to my friend's list. Hehe, hopefully he would accept. He is pretty cute, also boyfriend type. I dont know, the whole weekend was pretty fun till I started to get sobered up. The more sober I got, the more embarrassed I felt, and I think I could have introduced myself as a gay dude on our campus more graciously than that...

But anyway, USC won the game vs Oregon, and because of the fallout of bunch other schools, we are ranked at #3 again. We will have a good shot at the title game again. This is a bit insane. What if it really happens? That would be a truly glorious come back. Let's hope it happens.

I guess you can't be too mad when you spoil someone and they get used to it

I guess it is not so much of a parade; it is more like an open space party. Tonight, Michelle, Hester and I went to West Hollywood for this huge Halloween parade. Kiisfm was actually there hosting this out door concert. Kevin Faggot was there too. I can't believe people are this delusional nowadays. Does he even do anything except for giving white people bad names?

Anyways, today's been crazy. The company's Halloween event drained me. I screamed for 3 some hours and when I made it back home, I had a big headache. When I was gonna take a nap, Hester kept calling me. I don't even remember what she called me for, I just remembered that when I said I was taking a nap, I was already very phased out, and when I fell asleep, she called me two more times. I was very annoyed by that. But it was not big deal. I had a great nap, which somehow gave me another dizzy headache after I woke up. It was thinking, ok time to go I guess. I got Michelle's message around 6:40pm saying that she talked to Hester and they agreed that 8:00pm would be a great time to meet at Michelle's place. By then I already got so lazy and didn't feel like moving. But a plan is a plan, and I got to stick with it. So I just waited till around 7:10pm to check up on Hester to see if she wanted me to pick her up. She sounded in a frenzy on the phone, I thought she was trying on her outfit. She said that she would be ready soon. So I hanged up and kept waiting. I ended up calling her around 8:30pm since she never called me back. She said that she was ready to go and because her nephew had his first Halloween ever, so she had to go. Hmm, I was like at least you could have said that on the phone, so I wouldn't be in this ready to go mode for 1 hour and made Michelle to be in the same mode for more than 1 hour. But whatever, we were going. In the car, we were just talking about random stuff. She talked about the David guy we met back in the Abbey and she takled about how he had a daughter and how mature he was etc. I think she liked him, except for the child part. The trip to Michele's place didn't really take long. We got there around 9:00pm

Met Michelle, same old thing, talked about what went on in the day, and how lazy we got lol...Then Michelle took 5 shots in a roll, and Hester and I both took one shot each. It was enough to get me in the mood already. So after much lagging, we finally moved out of the house. Hester dressed up like an angel. IMO she looked more like a pink faerie. Long story short, we got to the parade. It was so awesome. The part that impressed me the most was the openess of gay people, and THERE WERE SO MANY GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING HOT GUYS. god damn it, when I think about them right now, I just want to do something biological like fucking, sucking, or pee... I dont know why I want to pee but they just make me feel so happy.... Some of the guys had absolutely perfect body.

Three of us started to wander around, and checking out the scene. I am a pretty easy going guy, especially this whole thing is so new, I was just glad for being there. My mind was busy and my eyes were even busier. This was a good time for me already. While we were walking, I suddenly spotted Hoviar whom Michelle'd been trying to get hold of. With HAvior, there was a very cute, and masculine guy named Jeremy. Ah,... he is very much of my type, and if he wanted it we could have boned right there in some restaurant bathroom. He was Wolfirine and he had the muscle to be one too. But Havior told me that he was straight. Ok he was pretty manly, but he just looked gay. I can't explain it, he wasn't feminine or anything but he just had the gay vibe, and pretty strong too. But they both assured me that he was straight. Oh well, what a waste piece of meat. Hester was dancing with Jeremy for a while and we were taking a lot of pictures. It was pretty cool to see all these people in characters. It felt great because people were just happy, and they were just people, there were no boundries like gays, straights, or whatever else. I liked it, it felt very cozy, almost like a home-like feeling to it.

We then walked around, and Javior spotted an Italian twink. He looked so young that I thought he was at this illegal age. But he was a 19 pre-med student. I didn't think he was all that cute, but when Havior hit it off with him really well, I felt the sudden urge to compete. I dont know, I know i am stupid.... anyway, meanwhile Michelle and I kept talking. We talked a lot of stuff. I teased her that Hester was so cute but all she could do was to watch lol, I know that is mean and I will probably burn in hell, but it was so obvious haha. But then we also talked about how people were so cute and how there weren't cute girls for her etc. How she missed JC, and how it was fun to see all these.

It is very different talking to Michelle. She is older, and she is gay, so the understanding and connection between me and Michelle are very different from my other friends. It is homo-different. It is beyond just a type of friendship. It is a recognition. I seriously think all gay people have this connection. It is really a recognition of a lifestyle. We are minorities and on some level, especialy for closet people, meeting another gay friend who you can connect with is like finding a cult that you feel you belong to whole heartedly. It is really different from being a friend with, Hester, or Greg or whoever. When straight people dominate the world, we gays are so repressed that we are almost not allowed to talk about same sex topics in the public, I mean topics like who they think it is hot etc. because other people would think it is so gross and nasty. Consdiering this, I think we should at least have a night to talk about our things like gays are hot etc in a parade in West Hollywood. I really believe that we at least deserve this much. But Hester doesn't understand this, and maybe other straight people don't understand this, and I do not know why that is so hard to understand. If people say they just can't understand this, then I think they are just extremely arrogant and selfish. But again, I guess I can't really blame Hester for her behavior because I think I for one spoil her.

Hester is a very pretty girl with a good personality, and she doesn't have a lot of attitude and demands. So I really think she is an ideal girl to hang out or date. So most of the time, I wouldn't mind what she does. Being late, cancelling plans on last minutes etc. I really don't think she does these casually without consideration and if it happens, then she must have no choice. All the social activities we had together have been great. There was no drama-my #1 enemy, and there was no attitude-my #2 enemy. But from day one, I just have always been expecting a day that she would pull one of these two things. And tonight was the night. Because Michelle and I were talking about all these gay stuff and sometimes commented on how pretty she was, Hester felt neglected. People would probably feel neglect if they were in Hester's position. But she really shouldn't be. First of all, whenever we hang out, she is always the center anyway, and second even when we have our little gay talks, we always throw in some nice comments about her, so she was never being neglected. In addition, she was busy working the scene - dancing with Jeremy, taking pictures with interesting dresed-up people and just random cute guys. She was having such a good time, we really didn't feel like to interrupt. So we were having our little conversation. Hester would occasionally turn around say "what are you talking about" in her 10 seconds break from all the activities she was engaging, and then she would go back to whatever she was doing again. But toward the very end, she suddenly got all serious and mad about it. She thought, from my understanding, that she was either being left out of the converstaion or the converstaion was about her all the time, and she didn't want us talk behind her back. I think either way, it was just bizarre, and it was even more outrageous she got all pissy about it toward the end. I mean how could she. I am like treating her like a good friend and a little funny sister whereas Michelle is taking care of her like a guardian, like a mom, especially that night when she was drunk. The one night that we were talking about some gay stuff AND she was busy with all those pictures etc, she got mad at me? That is just insane. Besides, whenever she needed attention from any of us, we turned our attention right to her immediately. I am sorry but I just don't believe she had any right to be mad. I was even more angry toward the end when I remembered that since she really wanted to go clubbing in Shag, I even offered to drop her off to her friends in Hollywood and pick her up later when she is done with partying. And now she is all pissy about we didn't devote our 100% conversation to her. She must be fucking kidding me. This reminded me of KIKI immediately. This is so typical of Kiki back then. The only difference is that they would treat the same situation with different approach. Kiki would just get lost with some guys and we won't be able to find her and getting all left out and worried, and she would come back later with the guy's number and possibly semen and ready to go home whether you are ready or not. Hester is just pissy and using a more subtle and cute approach. Nevertheless, it is the same shit. I was pretty disappointed and pissed too. More importantly, I feel ridiculous that I even told her that our converstaion wasn't about her or anything that would interest her so she should just have fun and stop being paranoid. But she wouldn't believe me. We love her and care about her and all, but we do have a life and possibly a different conversation that probably won't evolve around her.

So the night ended in a sour note. I was really having fun though because I saw hope for myself. I am getting more comfortable with this public gay thing by the minute and just really absorbing the information. But the night had to end like this. It is really really disapointing and I can't believe this happened involving Hester. I also can't believe her approach was to not talking to any of us and walked really fast ahead of us without stopping. It bugged the shit out of me and that just made me extremely angry. So we didn't talk at all on the way back, and I am definitely not gonna apologize at all. Not even the kind of sorry you say to people just to break the ice. I've done nothing wrong and she had no right to pull this crap at all. Yes I treated her well, and I never got mad at her, So I can't blame her for pushing the limit. But I am mad nevertheless.

Now I am tired and hungry. I really need to sleep now..

The Abbey

Last night was interesting. Due to Michelle's constant encouragement, I decided to go to the Abbey, a very popular gay venue in West Hollywood. I mean, I can't be shy all the time and I have to go out there and start to get into the scene. The unique part for me is that my whole coming out experience is all messed up, at least I think it is. For others, it is like they realize they are gay, so they expose it right away, you know, like the flaming queens back in highschool. They were so out, that people didn't quite know what to do with them.Or, they hide, like a lot of people, they come out in college due to their raging hormone. So they will have their tear sessions, acceptance sessions from new gay friends and old good friends, and rejecting sessions from shallow friends. After all these thematic events, they then will start going out to gay parties, clubs, bars, or gay school organizations, and start to date, fuck, whatever. But for me, I still haven't quite come out yet. The only people know about me are Michelle, Hester, and Kevin. Haha, interesting, before I counted, I somehow felt that I came out to a lot o people, but only three :<.... Anyway, so I am not really out, and definitely don't look gay at all, but I am already fucking The Designer. The Designer is so nice to me that I feel almost as if I have this safety net that will catch me if I don't survive in the gay world. So now, I am not out, having this thing going on with The Designer, and haven't been to the gay area at all. I think it is pretty messed up. So last night, I was determined to check it out to see how it is like in West Hollywood.

I had a lot of expectations before I went. I was thinking, everyone would be so good looking, and people would be so nice etc. I got that right, people were good looking, and a lot of them were so cute. But somehow, I was STILL AFRAID to even look at them. What the fuck is wrong with me?!! By the time Michelle drove us to Abbey, I started to have a panic attack. I was breathing faster and faster, and felt really uncomfortable. I felt so exposed and at the same time I somehow believed that if I don't get hooked up or something, I would be considered a failure. YEah, a homo who failed at being a homo. With all these thoughts swirling aroudn my head, we ventured into Abbey. Before we went in, Michelle told me that this place is a restaurant/bar/lounge/club. So I really thought it was an outdoor White Lotus with extra areas. But the whole thing is a like a ginormous club because the loud music is everywhere. I then started to feel the panic again, stomach started to churn, and eyes wandering aimlessly. I didn't know what to think and how to act. The out and proud freedom confused me. I saw some huge drag queens, they were quite scary imo. Hester actually went to take pictures with them haha. It was pretty funny. So we were taking pictures with the drag queens (we as in Michelle and HEster, and I was taking the pciture), and then there were about 10 people crowd standing next to me. They were pretty cute, but I couldn't just look at them for some reason. However, I think one of them saw me, and probably saw all my anxiety and insecurity, so he started to talk to his friends in that little crowd, and more people looked at my direction, and they started to laugh. OMG it's never been more embarrassing. What were they laughing about? My dumbfound expression? or my more than obvious awkwardness? Maybe they think I am ugly? I didn't know what to think but hurried up Hester and we went to some other areas in Abbey.

Eventually we sat down to eat. Michelle btw is also gay, that is why we were there. I felt that it was only safe to go with her since she was like a know-it-all homoworld tour guide. So the whole night I was clinging on her as if I would die otherwise. While we were eating, there was a group standing on a 2-3 inch platform area next to us, and the girl complimented on Hester's angel wings she wore that night. And then they started to talk, and that girl also grabbed her guy friend and introduced him as David. She then said, isn't he hot? and he is straight too! So Hester started to chat with him non-stop. I was thinking, you've got to be kidding me, in a gay club, she still managed to snag a piece of the action, whereas I am sitting there just eating. I felt like such a loser. Most importantly, I felt like I let Michelle down. She was so excited and everything and she has done this kinda favor, you know, bring the fresh meat to the market, for many gays. I was probably the worst one in her experience. People probably won't even notice me if I were used as a Holloween prop. So due to all these crazy thoughts, the best action I thought available was to keep drinking. So kept drinking anything that was there on the table and got quite buzzed toward the end. Because of Michelle's project fanatical finish on Wednsday, I was still dead tired last night, it was so much to just even smile. Therefore, after all these drinks, I was non-stop yawning. I was thinking, good job, you idiot, you never looked hotter in your life. But I coudlnt' help it, and kept yawning the night away. Michelle on the other hand, is not much better off either. She went to Mexico due to another school project and she just came back with 7 hours os sleep in her pocket for the past 2 days. So she just sat there yawning too. LOL.....

Eventually, Hester got really wasted and was ready to go. She was so cute when she was drunk. Especially last night, she was very very wasted. Her actions became random and quite theatrical. By the time we made it back to Michelle's apartment, we all just crashed on her bed. Hester wanted to puke but couldn't, and poor Michelle had to take care of her. It must so hard for her considering she'd been having a huge crush on Hester. I was laying there, spinning and thiking and takling about I probably should blow her male roomate to feel better. I took off my shirt and half naked and sandwiched Michelle. It was pretty funny though....

Then we all passed out. Around 5:00am we woke up because Hester has to be home; her parents don't approve overnights at stranger's house. She is 23 already but whatever...

Overall I was just glad I did this, and felt really bad for Michelle. I felt like I let her down in some ways. Also, I am so confused because when we go to a straight setting parties etc, I am ok. But somehow in a gay club I am like a dumbass. However, when I really thought about my straight part experiences, which are a lot, I realized that the only reason I was fine and rolling around all over the place is because wasn't intersted talking to girls. But in a gay club I should talk to guys and suddenly found myself 100% inexperienced. This is such a virgin territory that it scares me a lot. What if I will never know how to act in this kind of environment? Maybe I am just a very boring person who doesn't know how to initiate a conversation with strangers in a club. Sigh...quite frankly I realy do not know how to think about the experiences last night. It is just a huge pile of confusion.

Sergio is back from NY today, I will probably meet up with him, and talk about this with him.

Blogging..

I have been reading some of the blogs out there. I used to read them and then make fun of those who blog. I laugh, not because other people's life stories are funny, but because IMO blogging is such an ironic product. People walk away from those who love and care about them, and turn to Internet and share their life stories with strangers who don't really give a crap. At least that is how I used to think about blogging. But recently, I think blogging is very necessary, it is such a healthy outlet. I can rant, confide, and even confess at this anonymous space where no one sees, listens, or cares about whatever that I am gonna write about. I should have turned to blogging a long time ago. After all, people disappoint, an empty space does not.