A tender moment

Today is one of my friends' bday.

Usually, I wouldn't call a person my friend this fast. Honestly I still don't know this person that well, however he is just such a down to earth genuine guy, I have had good times hanging out with him for the short half year I have known him.

He is moving back to Shanghai in China working for an American architect company in their marketing department. Of course partially is through his ironclad Chinese government connection from his dad. But I think in his case, he deserves this great chance.

My best friend made reservation for 8 of us in Villa Sorriso in Pasadena. I had to arrive early to sign a very sweet homemade picture montage card. It had pictures taken from our surfing trips down at Malibu beach and gambling trips in Las Vegas. We also all chipped in and bought him a 600 dollars LV wallet. I was the last person to sign so the 2 foot tall card has already been filled. Also, what is so sweet is that we had all our cartoon avatars sticked to our well wishes and those cartoon avatars were illustrated by none other than our birthday boy. He sketched them with a fine sharpy on envelope paper when we were stuck in traffic on the way home from Vegas. He saw the card and said "I Shall Keep It till the Day I Die!" lol so dorky. He is definitely straight and usually wears basketball gears. But today he was wearing a nice pair of jeans, a black v-neck tshirt and pair of converse. Shorter haircut. Very crisp image and such a huge contrast. He is turning 27 and yet he always has that 18 year old smile. He is 6'3" and still acts like a big child, much like me in that sense lol. I have to say he looked pretty charming tonight.

We had great food, and wine was flowing on the dinner table. Nice conversations ensued. It was about a lot of things and yet about nothing. It wasn't some great epiphany over life or some sad farewell party. We were talking about our extremely amateur surfing techniques, about the strayed dog we rescued and how she was shaved because of entangled fur, about bitchy people we ran into during the day, about how expensive is to live in China nowadays, about how boring work is and why everyone works at places they hate yet they never move around, about which free iphone app is the most addictive and how pathetic we are talking about which iphone free app is most addictive. 4 hours passed by quickly.

I was just thinking, there we had 6 guys and 2 girls. The guys are all over 25 and one 31. If it were only the guys, most likely it'd be just dinner then drinking. Fun for sure, memorable? maybe not. it is not like they aren't partying or clubbing on a weekly basis anyways. But with the thoughtful younger girls, with a move that is a bit cheesy but definitely touching, we have a montage card that recorded memories that emerged in this very particular time of our lives. I don't know. I just felt that something special was captured. I guess I can understand how crazy yet precious that my best friend is taking hundreds of pictures of us every month and post them on facebook chronically. Ok I guess it is probably crazier than precious but precious nevertheless.

It was a great time. But it made all of us think, what would happen in 5 years, how many of us would still hang out like this, 2, 3 times a week. Are we getting old together? When life happens and we might stop talking to each other. Kinda bitter sweet.

Up and down

For the past 3 weeks, I have been going to the clubs every Saturday, and usually out and about having a good time hanging out with friends all the time.  The height of my happiness peaked out last weekend. 

On Friday I went to this guy's place for some sex.  We've been talking to each other for a while and he was persistent.  He has a nice body and good height but seemed to have cocaine eyes in the picture.  Lucky for me, it was just a bad picture.  He still has that amazing body but much cuter in person.  He lives in downtown in a loft that he just purchased.  It was an amazing loft and his decoration was very appropriate.  It was chic, modern and still has the sense of good old home feeling to it.  He is successful and busy with healthy activities.  I was very impressed by all this.

Also, he had an 8" inch thick rock hard dick. After chatting briefly we started to make out very passionately.  He was a bit aggressive on the tongue action but it was hardly a flaw.  Most importantly, he gave the best sexual experience I have ever had.  He went very slow and made sure I felt comfortable.  It was challenging to take that 8" but because of his careful moves and slow motion, it was a bit pain and pleasure all mixed up together and I couldn't wait to shove more of that meat inside of myself.  It was so thrilling.  He fucked me on my back for a while and then all of sudden with one swift motion, lift me up and laid down.  I then started to ride his cock furiously.  It was really good and I felt sexy and powerful.  I truly applaud his skill to be a top.  I really think being a top doesn't mean you always have to be the one in control in the action, rather, be the director of the motion and let everyone involved to play their part.  I felt in control yet being controlled and it was such a refreshing feeling.  Before I could enjoy this ride longer, I shot all over his chest.  Instead of mauling my ass open, he acknowledged that it'd be kinda unpleasant to fuck me once I came, so he pulled out and shot all over my cock.  For the very first time, I felt enough care and attention from a hookup.

We chatted some more afterward and he kept leaning in to kiss me and said he had so much fun that we had to do this again. 

I got home around 12:00am and texted him saying it was a great time and hopefully we could hang again.

He probably went to sleep by then, so I got a text message the following day saying "yes, it was so much fun, we have to do it again."

I was really happy.  Finally I find someone who is amazing at sex and not a loser at all.  But I guess I was over optimistic.  I texted him on Tuesday saying if we could hang out this weekend and I haven't got a reply even today.  He didn't even text back saying anything, I guess that "we have to do it again, was merely a thank you have a good life."  I was actually really disappointed by this outcome and it really tempered my mood since Tuesday.

Saturday I went clubbing with my best friend at a straight club again.  It was so much fun, and we danced a lot.  Her friends were all really easy going and she got really drunk. I on the other hand just enjoyed this easy going night with these good people around.  I got home around 530am.

Woke up around 9:30 am headed to a paid area south of Laguna beach with my cousins.  Beach was nice and all since no one was there but the beach was full of rocks and I felt like my feet would eventually sever from my legs if I go in the water more than once.  But it was fun regardless. 

Monday, my happiness ended, and my life kinda took a drastic temporary turn downhill.  I got extremely busy and worked out on Monday. It was 10:10pm when I got home. How depressing... Then Tuesday my Mr. 8" ignored me. 

Now today, work sucked ass. One of the project I was doing just wasn't right for me today.  I couldn't interpret it correctly and the manager was over the top sarcastic for some reason.  Maybe because I was already in a bad mood or maybe he was just busy but overall we pretty much had a bit cross fire in the morning and I just felt like shit for the rest of the day.  I feel like I am wasting my life.  This job, though I really can't complain about it too much since the hours aren't really that bad most of the time and the economy is in the toilet,  it is really not something I find intellectually challenging.  Most importantly it is not something I wanted to do with my education nor it is something I find so interesting that I would give it a shot.  But as for now I really can't do too much.  I still haven't hit my 1 year mark since I started working here and I still at least need to pass CFA test 1 so that I have something extra on my resume to move on.   But I am getting home earliest @ 8:00 pm nowadays for at least another week and latest pass 10:00 pm, as much as I hate to admit it, I really can't find the will power to continue to study for another hour or two.... sigh this prospect just makes me feeling ill.  

Besides, I still haven't got over Mr. 8" as for now...

The ups and downs, they come so quickly and gone so fast at the same time.  I just feel like I am being raped by life, something you can't defy, yet can't say you don't find pleasure in the process. 

A poor night of sleep >_<

Well, drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato at 11pm is not a good idea.

I don't know what it was. Maybe the coffee, or maybe the new workout routine that drained me, I couldn't really rest easily in my bed at 2:00am in morning. Or maybe because for some strange reason I decided to sleep nude. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't able to sleep till 3:30am in the morning. I think I finally dozed off around 4am. Then I spent the next 3 and half hours to create one of my most disturbing, absurd, and bloody dreams in my life. I mean I have had plenty very graphic and violent dreams that seem to be very random and unsettling. But I don't think I am an aggressive person and I definitely DO NOT have killing potentials. But some of my dreams just kinda scare myself. They kinda make you wonder, WHERE THE HELL did that come from. Very creepy.

This dream... I still remember some of the details.

Basically it was a group adventure that has gone wrong. You know, like the Hostel or SAW series. There were about 4-6 people in the group, whose faces were really not recognizable. All I remembered was there there were white and Asian girls and guys in this group and we were having an adventure. Then we were chased off by a horde of sword wielding people who vowed to catch us and prosecute us. So we ran. Then there was this room we saw after running a long time and we went in. We couldn't go further and the army approached. Suddenly, I discovered a seal. Well more like a giant tarot card that had some Asian symbols on it. I thought it was Chinese. So I put this card in the middle of the door, and the card split into 10 and formed a long card tape that shielded us from the army. The leader of the army was visibly upset and didn't want to give up. His face was bloody red with bulking giant eyes that were half popped out that round red balloon like face. He stopped the army. Although angry and determined he didn't move forward. Then I realized that the card was actually a some sort of curse. Unless we figured out a way to wield the cards, they were going to kill us. The cards made noise and started to make its killing rounds. Somehow the whole process is more like a music chair. There were sound and the cards move then one person in my group would die violently once the sound is gone. You know it is like a mechanical reaper that randomly chopping people's head off. It was chaotic, scary and bloody. All I remembered was blood was going EVERY WHERE. By the 3rd round, we somehow ended up in a bath tub and pan sized blood clogs sprang out of nowhere and started to flood the tub and drowning us. The last person who died was a girl and I remembered seeing her laying there pale. Then I woke up feeling distraught and dizzy. It was approximately 7:10am.

So can you even imagine how I felt the whole day...

I don't know. I blame it on CNN. As much as I LOVVVEE their live video news with all these fabulous looking anchors, I really do not like the news I hear everyday. I mean seriously let me just do a quick recount of what I heard for the past week:

• Primaries (ok this one is fun, I love it and I love the debates etc but I think it is still high stress level kinda of a news)


• Pregnant marine was murdered by a fellow marine who allegedly raped and killed her and now is on the run in Mexico.


• Kenya's controversial election that started this nationwide uproar that has killed hundreds of people and it seems that there is no end to it any time soon.


• 25 year old hiker was killed AND Decapitated by a 60 year old freak while she was on a simple hike.


• American dollars have been weakening, I mean it is stressful right?


• A dude named Mark Jenson who allegedly poisoned his wife to death so that he could start a new marriage. Oh that only that his wife refused to die, so he sat on her and put a pillow over her face till she suffocated to death. Allegedly of course.


• Death tow still rising for our troops.


• Blasts that kill 6 injured 20 something as Bush left Saudi for peace talks.


• Gaza riot, missile tossing, death.

I don't know. As I prepare the statement for the rich and privileged, and listening to these beautiful anchors reporting the breaking news all over the world, somehow all I can hear and see is tragedy.

It is quite stressful I would say. So I guess I really can't blame it on CNN, I blame it on humanity.

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On a different note, this is my future husband and he just doens't know it yet.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/aqui.reggie.html

Is it too late to make a resolution? lol

Well my first one will be "blogging more". haha..... i know right.

I don't know what is with the laziness lately. I think I can safely blame this on work. I get off work around 6 and get to the gym around 7 then head home around 830. Once home I eat and play some video games etc it'd be around 10:30 to 11;00 and it is about time to sleep. On the weekends I usually go out or snowboard.

Talking about snowboarding! I have gone twice this season and the second time I made a great improvement. Now I can switch from heel to toe position... well 5 times in total in 3.5 hours last time I went lol... It is STILL progress! As long as I make improvements I am happy. I have my whole life ahead of me to constantly make improvements in everything that I do right? Now I wish SoCal could be colder and rain more in the winter so that we could have much more snow to play with. Slushy and icy slopes are just kinda painful to look at and to fall on. Also I wish that I had a place up there so we don't have to rush to the mountain early in the day and come back around 11pm at night. Though the view is so beautiful at night. Looking down from the mountain slopes, you can see millions of lights clustered together in the Los Angeles general area. It looks awfully peaceful. It is quite soothing for a long day of snowboarding. Well but we all know it is probably anything but peaceful, I am sure shit loads of people are fucking their brains out while I am mesmerized by their household lights.

My friendship with my director has gone on really well. Actually I heard he is the VP now. That I will have to confirm with him. We went out to dinner last Friday again. I had veal piccata and it was really good plus it was free lol~~~. I kinda treat him like my gay dad and we talk about everything from dating, sex, and cleansing.. lol~~~~~~~~~ yeah it was a very hilarious conversation and I liked how he kept drinking more Scotch every time i ask another question. He bought a really nice place in West Hollywood and his guest parking has been very useful. Now I can always park for free when I am in the gay central! It is such a relief considering I already got 3 tickets in this stupid city -o-.....

As you can tell my post has been random and tame. It is really how I feel about my life right now. Days just kinda go on and it never feels more like life. Kinda routine, kinda comforting and yet kinda scary. I really don't want to turn into a cow..

---

I have officially established a fuck buddy relationship with this Hispanic guy. I guess as we fuck more I really have to express more about what I WANT during sex. He is always kinda in a hurry kinda guy which is never too good for the bottom boy =/.

Oh I also hooked up with a friend's friend to whom I am not attracted to all that much in terms of establishing a relationship. But fucking wise? I think he is pretty good, he actually knows what he is doing and usually can finish the job with some good twists...

Yet again and again, as I mentioned many times before, they don't seem to bring on the thrill. I think I am still very fond of the idea of a hot boyfriend who can cook. Don't ask me about the cooking part I just think getting taken care of is very important lol. But I can't complain too much. It never hurts to have more gay friends I guess. This friend of a friend is very friendly and knows a lot of people in the gay clubs. Of course he also knows where the parties are so I guess it is beneficial.

Talking about going out...

I went to Abbey's on Saturday night. Well I tried to go to Abbey. The line was more than a block long and people were still pouring in. It didn't look like there was a special event or anything. I felt kinda bad because the friend of a friend was there with his friend around 930 and I got to the line at 11pm. So I called them and they actually came out and decided to go somewhere else. I think I have mentioned his friend before. He was this half Asian half black guy who looked pretty hot. He came in town for some LA party tonight. Last time we were flirting back and forth like crazy and this time I just wanted to fuck. According to others he was interested. Stupid me that I actually thought it'd be a done deal. So we went to this club called Factory and started dancing over there. We were touching and dancing. Talking dirty a bit. But then as the night went out, I realized that he was just being very friendly instead of sexual. So when I asked him when he wanted to leave he said he wanted to stay and there were lots guys, I kinda got the hint. Dang dang dang, rejections. sigh.... so sad. So I immediately left him alone. He then went around as usual... without his tank top... dancing with his gigantic chest... Well fuck it, you know what he DOES wear sunglasses in a night club so maybe it is really not that big of a loss...

So I went around the club and determined to have a good time. On the other hand, friend of a friend was very horny and begged to fuck the whole night. I think I was clearly not interested ESPECIALLY after I got rejected. So whenever he leaned in for a kiss or something I kinda just stood there. Walking around I saw this guy who had nice chest and wearing a baseball cap. I thought he was pretty hot and went for a conversation. Of course I am half legally blind and I refuse to wear a pair of glasses in a club! So when I got up to him I realized he had gray beard.... But I was there already, so I think I will just be friendly and leave. I asked him if he wanted to dance and he said no thank you. I was like omfg screw you grandpa. You know it is the worst when you are just being nice and then they have that Hotter than Thou attitude. You can't have tha attitude when you have salt and pepper beard. God I felt so cheap. So I just decided to dance the night away with friends. It was a better choice actually... Since I had so much sexual tension AND frustration built up I was very energetic. The gays kept offering me drugs. I dont know... Can't people rock out sober? Well apparently not, I think 70% of the crowd was on something.... OH yeah , there was this suppppeeerrrr hot guy who danced like a pop star, absolutely stunning. He had a bunch gay friends dancing along with him. I was around and talking to the hot guy's friend and saying how good he danced. Then his friend handed me a card, which reads "explicit strippers"... Well that explains his professional skills... He was also on a cocktail. Apparently the Gatorade that he was drinking was a mixture of Gatorade, alcohol, Ecstasy, and some other flavorful candy.

I danced and danced, shirt off without knowing how and when. When I checked time again, it was 5:00am... So I bid farewell to my friends and drove home. Tired as fuck and couldn't sleep. So I hooked up with my hands and play some video game and eventually passed out around 7 AM...

Story of my life sigh -_-....

I shall blog

A lot of things are happening actually... too lazy to update but that should change, since i am putting blogging on my resolution list!

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let me talk about things that are pretty important first.

I have this 52 year old director at work who is gay. Yeah, shocking, gay and entertainment industry. I sensed his homosexuality from day one but thought that it would stupid to ask him "are you gay". If he is, then, it could still be awkward, and if he is not, it will just be disastrous. So I kept talking to him and waited. One day, he gave me a hint. He said something about his partner. I was like bingo~~~~.... So I went to his office and told him I was gay as well. I kept the coming out very short so we wouldn't stay in his office and staring at each other. Then we had lunch together a week after. I don't know, I guess I am better with gays. I felt very comfortable talking to him even for the first time. We talked about random things and I told him about my fear to ask him about his sexuality prior to his hint. He said it was actually very touching for him that I came out to him right away. It made him feel that much better about being out and representing gays for the younger generation. We both agreed that at least in L.A., if you are just comfortable with it, most likely others would not think about it twice. It was indeed comforting to see the change nowadays. I still remembered back in my middle school, there was this kid made a comment that was just a little bit gay and the whole school made a big deal out of it - even the teacher!, jeebus... the horror.

After this lunch, he would stop by regularly and chat with me. I would do the same. However, things didn't get quite intimate till last week. I am not talking about having sex! pervs, no. You see, at our company, we have a LGBT group and they do a monthly mixer event at this gay lounge in west Hollywood. I thought it'd be nice if we all just go there to hang out. So I forwarded this email to my director and he happily agreed to go. I was abit late , well 30 nins late according to our initial estimated arrival time. I wasn't worried since it was going to be a mixer event which means there would be a lot of people to mingle with. I was so wrong. When I arrived, apparently the only two faithful mixer attendees were my director and I. He of course stayed there alone for 30 mins. I felt so bad... But he was talking to some strangers to kill time, so that was a bit of a comfort for me. Just a side note, I think my director is pretty cute. He must have been super popular back in his 20s. So we started to drink a little and talked. It was actually very nice. I was kinda surprised that it wasn't hard at all to have a conversation with someone who is twice my age.

The conversation became much more informal and the subjects jump from work relations, private relationship, to even sex. I like how he took everything so casually. It was especially funny when I asked that if there were lots orgies back in the 70s. He smiled and said, why not. lol... he was so fun to talk to.

However, the most impressive conversation also happened during that night and it wasn't about sex and boys. You see, I have been in this hiv panic attack mode again lately, so I tested myself prior to the night out with the director. It was negative. The first person I texted was actually him. His reply was "good and stay that way". Also, I have to add a little back story here. When we were having lunch that week after I came out to him, he said that his first love got really sick and passed away. I already knew it must have been from HIV, and if it was in the late 70s and early 80s there wouldn't be any HIV protection awareness. So mostly likely he probably got it too. But he looked very healthy and very upbeat. So it was possible that he used protection. Anyways, as our conversation became more private and the tones became more casual, we all eased up even more. I asked,

"Do you mind if you ask what happened to your first serious boyfriend. You said he got really sick and passed away."

"He had some serious brain disease that was triggered by hiv complications. Hm... I can tell you without much confidence that I am also positive..."

"Ah it is really ok. I mean when you told me your boyfriend died and it was in the 70s, unless I am really stupid, I should be able to think of that. And it is totally ok with me. It is the reality and it is part of our lives..."

"Right..."

"I can tell that you really loved your first boyfriend, because even till today your tone just changes a little bit , a bit more tender whenever you mention him."

"Yes, I loved him very much and he will always have a special place... Ah... I didn't want to tell you this, but we talked about this hehe, how did we start talking about this" (kind of a Barbara Walter's interview moment).

"It is alright really."

I don't know... it is just something that I saw it coming but somehow still felt very profound when he admitted it. I especially could feel his sincerity when he told me to be really careful. He said he got it from his loved one and there would be no regret. Sure, if there were more information and people were more educated they both probably would have done things differently. But he said it'd be really not worth it for some strange guy that hook up with.

He said that he was lucky that his immune system held up for 10 years till he received medical treatment. Apparently the strain of virus is somewhat mild and he is doing just fine.

Our conversation moved from there to finances, relationships, more sex, and west Hollywood in general. We both pretty much went kind far in terms of the topics we brought forth for discussion. I mean it is kinda unconventional since he is afterall a 4 levels above me professionally, and I do see him everyday. However, it was hard to resist to share the thoughts. I think he felt the same way. I guess we both found it comforting to talk about things without the conventional restrictions and yet both were a little surprised how far we were going with it.

Anyways, I felt great about the whole thing and we both had a good time.

It was very windy that day in LA. The wind was wailing throughout the night. It felt kinda surreal, a bit like the end of the world depicted in Will Smith's "I am Legend". However, I have never felt better that night. It was just a regular night out with someone who was gay and older and it was certainly not a date. But I just felt really good about it. The little lounge we stayed at, was one of the first gay establishment in West Hollywood. It is quite cozy and comfy inside. I felt warm and safe there and I somehow could feel the past. oh, if you want to check it out, it is called East/West Lounge.

More things to talk about, to be continued...

Yeah Back

Ok I didn't really go anywhere. But Blogging has been lagging it is pretty obvious right lol. I don't know. Last couple weeks just weren't for blogging. There were things happening but somehow whenever I am facing this screen I just didn't feel like typing. Recounting life is such a tiring experience.

Ok the three things that I was gonna talk about last time lol.

First I went to a real concern. Well my first real concert experience anyway. My friend got 4 tickets so it was Me him, his sister and his sister's friend. Her friend gives me a bit gay vibe. But again everyone is gay as long as the price is right, quoted from a gay friend of mine lol... He was kinda dorky cute. He wore a nice thin blazer and loafer. Yeah I noticed those two items because the blazer look like some expensive skin and the loafer made him look a bit British. He had big fingers too... Yeah I dont know why I notice these things but I do. My friend's sister is pretty and they were both very very smart. I mean lawyers come on.

The concert was in Downtown in this old theater. It was so amazing. Everything was so vintage. It gives you a bit flash back feeling; I felt like I was in the early 1800s or something. A SHIT LOAD OF CUTE GUYS. I felt abit overwhelmed because they were everywhere. At the same time I felt kinda restricted because I couldn't tell my friend that "OMG that guy is so cute that I can blow him right now". I know slutty and closet don't really mix.

The band was "Stars". Don't know anyone of you guys have ever heard of them. It is decent stuff, but by no means they were GREAT. But the experience was so good. The company was good, the stage was great, the light was awesome and people were really into the music. I really enjoyed it. And the cute guys hehe.

--

I had another hook up and I really felt like I am over hook ups now. I somehow feel empty afterward. It is like drugs it gets you high but crashes you hard. Somehow you want more of this abuse after that depressing crashing feeling subsides. It is very dangerous and emotionally unhealthy.

On the other hand, I started to talk to this older gentleman who lives in Beverly Hills, a retired lawyer at 45. Yes HE could be my DAD. But we have good conversations and he sounds like .. well fatherly. OMG I GOT ISSUES. I think I should see a shrink. This is like the 105ths time I mentioned that I needed a shrink yet the only one I am about to see is a older guy who could be my dad age wise and wants to fuck me. This is truly unhealthy. Howver, I do enjoy his conversation. So I might date him see what is going on. He is not fat at least. I swear I am not shallow.

--

Saw Jersey Boys with three gay bloggers with LA. I really enjoyed the show. I think I am pretty easily entertained. As long as it is not total ape shit, I can always appreciate some beauty of everything.

--

I just talked to a REALLY cute guy yesterday at gym. He is like model looking and his bright bright bright smile just melts my hearts away. BLESS MY LITTLE'O HEART. He is noticeably taller than I am which is rare and he looked very athletic and he was sooo beautiful. I actually asked him first. I really didn't have to. But he was irresistable. So I asked him

"do you know the name of this exercise?"

I actually needed to know. My trainer told me to write a workout diary and he provided me with the offical diary book etc, so I am the gymbunnynerd.

"..."

Yeap silence.

Oh. he had earphone on. That won't stop me from harrassing a cute guy. So I TAPPED HIS SHOULDER. lol.... he turned around I said

"do you know the name of this exercise, my trainer wants me to write down everything."

He smiled, and I died.

He said,

"ah... haha I actually don't but I do it a lot. I am sorry."

"It is alright."

10 mins later.

"USC kicked Arizona's ass, did you see the game."

"oh no I didn't but my coworkers couldn't stop talking about it. Did you go to SC?"

"No I went to LSU."

"oh cool."

"what is your name?"

"David. and you are?"

"Luke" (OMG LUKE SO CUTE, I swear I don't sound like a teenage girl in real life)

"I haven't seen you here often, are you new?"

"oh no, I am here for about a year."

"then what time do you come in usually"

"ah here and there random times"

"I see. Do you work around here or live around here?"

"Oh I live right up here and I work in downtown." (ok most likely a banker or lawyer and right up here that is expensive... ok educated and smart awesome)

"Nice Nice. YEah I live close by as well."

"Ah What is your name again, I am really bad at names. Sorry."

"David, should be easy right."

WE shook hands. Nice hand....

"Maybe I can catch a spot from you next time David."

"Alright." ( you can catch anything from me stud...)

It was so sweet.... I am gonna go on the weekends more now. So I would catch him more. I mean he is like 110% not gay but I am kinda crazy so it won't matter. mu hahaha...

--

Bummer, my mom went to China for 20 days for business. Sigh living with my dad is painful. Maybe I should move in with that older guy and wash his pool... Enough of the crazy talk...

--

My current physical status. I know it is not impressive at all but I made progress and I do feel good and I still working on it. Let's monitor it till summer. I shall whore by that time mu hahaha.

height, 6' and half inch.
weight, 178lb
Fat %, 12.5%
Chest, 38 and half
Bicept 14 3/4
Leg, 19 and half,
Waist...............34" -_-... I swear I wear 32 just fine! The soft fat is bullshit. Oh well....

My trainer's goal for me
Height, no change,
Weight, doesn't matter,
Fat%, 10-12% is fine
Chest, 42
Bicepts 16
Legs are ok
Waist 29.

-o-.... pain guaranteed...

Ciao bitches.

Updated the update

Update:

I now actually kinda forgot what I wanted to say. Well let's see.

I had brunch with a good friend from USC. He works for Goldman Sachs now. He is such a nice and smart guy that I can't stop having a bit crush on him. He sure doesn't look like an Abercrombie model but I would choose him over 80% of the guys that hops around in West Hollywood. We ate at Urth Cafe in West Hollywood. I ordered a salmon plate which was very delicious. We talked about career mostly for 3 and half hours. It was great to talk to him again. He told me that he just broke 3 digit hours in one week and he is absolutely high on adrenalent. He also told me about his 3 way making out at a party with 2 sororitee girls etc. I dont know it is just a good time talking to a nice friend. Half way through I noticed this girl who was in my class back then. She didn't remember me apparently because when I called out her name and said "you must not remember me", she replied with a big smile and said "of course I remember you". However she never called out my name so yeah.... of course she remembered me. But doesn't matter she is a very energetic girl and has a smile as bright as the sun. I like her. We talked more about career. Yeah I know we are very boring lol....

Anyways I think what I am doing right now at my current company is ok. But it is not something I want to do. The knowledge is highly untransferrable and the longer I stick here the more I am limiting myself in terms of bankability. Every person is a piece of asset and you definitely want to be the one that fits in many different environment. So I will have to really start doing some hardcore studying and making a move in my life and change it before it sets its little mold on me. I am also on a time table. I mean if I am even in the path of where my dream is then I might just as well accept fate like the rest of 80% of Americans and be happy about 5k dollar raise that comes once in a while. That is just fucking pathetic. Yeah gays have unrealistic egos, what is new right. I told my ideas to a coworker who is probably the nicest girl you will ever see and her comment was omg you are so USC. I am not sure if that is a compliment...

Talking about careers, I have to say thank you to the super duper cute and VERY SMART Troystopher (he is on my blogroll) who gives me some valuable suggestions and also makes my day go by faster. Thanks "IM buddy" lol.

Anyways, the down side of this wonderful Saturday was that I got pulled over by a police and he gave me a ticket for not yield enough. I guess he is right otherwise I would have yield the fuck out of the street or at least pretend to be if I fucking yield him. douchebag. I mean it s West Hollywood in construction on Saturday brunch hour. Does he really expect people to be as careful and obedient as the Amish people. ok I don't know what I am talking about anymore but for me Amish is the closest thing to sheeps, you know the universal symbol of weakness and perpetual followers. I mean haven't they seen the temptation... ok I am ranting now....

So yeah that is about 150 bucks and he told me that Beverly Hills supreme court gives people second chance for traffic school so I can still get my point off even though I had a point from speeding (5miles over limit) 5 months ago. Yeah second chance you say? Bitch I will take that point but I will make you go to court with me. Yes I will plead not guilty and show up in court. My suit has been lonely.

And when I finished my lovely brunch, I got a parking ticket.

Yeah. .. ....


But then, I had a good time at night. I went out with two friends and went to Yardhouse in Pasadena. I guess a lot of people were having Halloween parties so the place wasn't as crowded as usual. I bravely took the halfyard size, which is a 32 ounce, about 20 inch tall glass (see, I am bad with measurements so I have to think in dick size). I ordered a Sierra Nevada. It is bitter but somehow I think it tastes much better than bud light and crap. I am the person who infamously gets high on ONE beer so you can imagine how much of a toll that took on me. But we had a great time laughing. Recounting the pasts and planning the near future, you know like snowboard etc, no more career talk at night hehe. So yeah we got all drunk and we decided to blaze at nne friend's house. So that is what we did. I started to sober up and I think the herb and the achohol was a good mix. One passed out and the other one was playing computer game and I was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Such a good movie I really wanted to fly like them too. So I got home around like 5am without sleeping played another 2 hours of video game and woke up at 2:46pm >_<....

GOOD TIMES....

--

more updates: yeah you think i finished?

Today my HR department had a Halloween themed show. I thought it'd suck but went to see anyway. It was on the second floor and we had to wait in line waiting for it. I was like this is ridiculous. But when I saw these people doing a theme from Hairspray I was so entertained. I have never seen Hairspray before but these people kinda made me want to see it. The highlight was there was a big big guy who was about 6'3'' with heels. Full in makeup and drag and danced to the music and sang. Toward the end stripped down to a very tight under garment and continued to shake it. It was off the hook. And when he exited it he extended his hand and give my chest a very nice squeeze. I was folding my arms so my muscle was already bulging and he totally grabbed a handful. I am just like how did I have a major gay moment in this occasion it was so unexpected. I don't get grabbed by drag queens in gay clubs. what is going on here? you've got to love Halloween I guess. haha.

Oh yeah last thing, I read that Dick Cheney greeted Bush as DARTH VADER today, how grossly arrogant and funny. That old fart he should have brought a rifle too so he would just one stone kill two birds style mock his legacies.

OH PPSSSS... I bought Britney Spear's Blackout. It is probably her best album and I REALLY love some of her songs. I really didn't like her like 3 months ago and all of sudden I think she is the bitch because she got so much attitude and toward the end she gives you results. This album is probably the biggest finger she shove down at nay sayer's throat. I feel a special kind of resonance toward her. I will write about it in the future... That is for another time.

Later gators Hamilton
It is empty now but I will edit this post later. It is getting unhealthily late so I am going to actually sleep. However, once I put this post up, I know I will have to update it soon. Just like my gym tracker. It kinda forces me to do something that I should. I hope this doesn't appear to be as lame as it seems to be lol

Well This has been forever

Well maybe not as long as my vacation but the difference is that I am here and able to post anytime I just somehow chose not to.

Life's been pretty chill lately. Made some new friends, hit on a straight guy, and went to party with bunch gays that was fun.

I was pretty down a while back because I had a major fall out with one of my closest friends and we weren't talking. We are still not talking and I am kinda over it. However, I think that somehow made me open my eyes and look at other individuals. So I guess that is a good thing overall.

There is this one guy at my gym whom everyone seems to know. He is French and somewhat flamboyant. I thought to myself, "hmmm he is either gay or just European". It turns out that he is both!

I talked to him about two weeks ago and I told him where I worked etc. He said
"oooo you should meet my friend, who happens to be in the same company with you, such a sweet person."
I said, "oh cool, a guy or a girl?"
"oh a guy, haha I am not trying to setup a date for you haha", "I mean I don't know if you like guys or girls, so I am just saying, "so what do you like".

That was when I was still in the gym so I just laughed. About five seconds later we were out of the gym and he asked me again why am I laughing. I said,

"What about you, are you gay?"
"He said yes, I have always been, haha. I have a partner who was engaged to a woman though, but me, yes always gay", "so are you gay?"
"I just came out not long ago."

As I was speaking, there are more people coming out of the gym and I could see this one woman took a bit extra attention to our conversation when I said I just came out. It felt kinda liberating lol.

So after this exchange, we got each other's numbers and proceeded to text each other for the next week or so. Grabbed drink on Monday with him and his TV producing friend. They were pretty nice and so easy to talk to. But I guess that is because they are more mature both mentally and physically and they have less that I am the center of the universe flare. That flare really kinda scares me hehe.

---

About hitting on the straight guy it was pretty funny. I saw this swimmer build guy at the gym working out. He is very fit but apparently his upper body isn't strong. He looked VERY young and I just couldn't stop looking. I think he saw me looking too since I wasn't subtle at all. LOL sigh, I don't do subtle often not because I don't want to. It is just that I am so clumsy when it comes to subtle I can never pretend lol. So we finished working out together and he was in the locker changing and I just stared. When we both walked out the gym, I followed him to his car. He seemed to look in my way too but he didn't initiate a conversation so eventually I just went up to him and introduced myself. He was really nice and talkative. When I felt the conversation was a bit too superficial, I just cut straight to the chase. I asked him if he liked guys and hopefully he was since I couldn't stop looking that swimmer body. He started laughing saying that he was flattered but he wasn't. He said his brother is bi and his aunt is gay and his 3 uncles are all gay but after experimenting with his brothers' friends, he didn't find it as appealing as woman. It was nice exchange.

Afterward, JR said that is his way of rejecting me. I guess it is also a possibility. But it is a nice experience nevertheless. At least I am doing something and actively trying to get what I want right?

---

This Friday, the gay went out. French guy lives in Silver Lake with his partner and I went to his house. Another 3 gays showed up. They are all in the TV/Movie industry. They seem to be doing quite well for themselves. Lovely people, very easy to talk to. So we chatted and drank for about 2 hours and headed to this place called MJ's. My first time tipping the strippers and it was pretty fun haha, we drank more and danced the night off. The club wasn't as crazy as West Hollywood's and probably less eye candy as well but it was good enough. Great company really counts. Then it started to rain. Felt pretty refreshing even though I normally hate the rain. I came home around 3 am and played some video games and spent Saturday resting.

There you have it!

Have fun.

Hamilton

Life is a beautiful thing,

I just come across this animation online and it cannot be more truthful. I mean we all have said the similar things and deep down we still think it is true. But it is so easy to get caught up in the daily errands. Life is a musical in which there should be dances and music and we should live through it. Instead of living it like a straight line, a journey, or a pilgrimage. It is so true. I think I have mentioned that I started to have mid life crisis since I was 18. Now I come to think of it, it probably started when I was in elemental school. Everyone told us to keep moving up on the academic ladder. Then when we start working we should aim to get promoted and what not. Life is about reaching that idealism or that theory called success. In the beginning I guess I was having those midlife crisis because I was terrified. Everyone around me told me that should I given up on this academic themed ladder climbing game, I would end up cleaning the streets. In a society where success was mostly measured on a better materialistic living standard, people would go as far as calling teachers, workers, and anyone who depends on a salary a failure. Then people have to find their own success caliber. It is always relative. That is why there is always a higher quota that makes everyone like chinchilla on heat. Never a dull moment to fulfill that higher quota. Hoax is what Alan Watts called it.

I am ranting this isn't for random reasons. Though as pretentious as it sounds, this particular topic is actually something that is always on my mind. As I just mentioned that if my anxiety attack was from fear of failure, then my current doubts, worries, and any feeling that resembles similarities to midlife crisis are probably due to my fear of the truth. As another blogger Rishi said once to me that everyone has to choose a path in their lives. In a way, everyone's life is somewhat predetermined. Here I am going to make a broader generalization, please excuse me Rishi if this isn't what you meant all, that Free will is relative. Everything we do or don't do is related to a big part of our finance capability. For some professions, such as Rishi's, the future neuro surgeon, he seems to know exactly how much he will be making and how he is going to live his life using that money. So in order to reach that goal, he has to go through this quota. He is very successful for his age already - one of the best in his medical program in the nation. Yet it is far from over. It is a pilgrimage indeed. The road in medicine is a life long one. He spends most of the time in the lab and working his ass off. Luckily he enjoys it.

But for me, I somehow just never thought that is how life should/would be. As we were talking, I pointed out that this belief of mine was one of our fundamental differences as two individuals. Though we both went to private universities and went through intense programs in our field, I still somehow felt that he was destined to do what he does and he does it with all this passion or even rage. I do have that side of competitiveness but I just feel that when an individual lives and breathes his/her profession, he/she is being consumed by it. Somehow I just feel that life should just be something more than that.

I am worried nowadays is that I am still in my pursuit of that "successful" quota and I already know there is no end in my field. I mean for Rishi, it is to become a neuro surgeon. Then he will continue to do research. Saving people's lives, and conquer diseases what not. But even he doesn't figure out how to completely cure Parkinson's or brain cancer, he would still have this intrinsic satisfaction. But what about business? I remember I read this article in which the guys in NY financial field are complaining about 7 figure salaries. In their own words, when you are poor you always wanted to fly first class, and after 5-7 years of life draining career building, you finally can afford first class. But then you suddenly find out that real rich people fly private. I don't know because business and corporate world provides probably everything except for the feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. If there is, it would be short lived but quotas are instantly raised. If anything it makes you want more.

What if after I am 45, become that pathetic dude in this video, looking into my "accomplishment" bag and shake and shake and nothing tangible really comes out? Then I really realize that this is all just a hoax. What would I do then. Would I be able to find my life value from a partner or husband by then so I don't feel sad lonely and empty? I don't want to live in this hoax yet billions of people live through it.

I guess I like California because it gives you a chance to breath. Whenever you just walk down a beach or a very nice and quiet neighborhood, you feel you are touching life. I like that. Despite my keen interest in i-bank and money, another side of me just really wants to enjoy the sun and catch some waves for the rest of my life.

Anyways, going to bed. I have a rat race to catch tomorrow morning.

A phone call

It was from MSTP Bound. He just got off lab at 4:ooam in Baltimore. We talked about some random shit and this was after we talked for a while on msn. From this conversation I got to know this outstanding individual a little bit better and also I learned what Pink Collar is. Haha let's all be pink collar and be on top of the world then.

We talked bunch stuff, you know, health care since he is going to be a doctor and professional's social responsibility and all this started how we should choose our mate as a gay man haha. It is always interesting to see how a conversation starts and where it ends. I have to say that I am a bit inspired because this dude is so outstanding. I, too, have a dream and I think I am not doing too bad either. But it is still a long way to go and I guess my best strategy is to move forward with my best effort. I will be a businessman and in the business world the possibility is endless. I don't want my life to be measured by a pathetic # that I earned throughout my life. That is just so sad. But I guess I will have to start somewhere. hehe.

Well I can really elaborate more on our conversation and write a 10 pages essays on it. But I choose not to. I am trying to keep this blog less snobby and less patronizing. I mean seriously when you go around and read blogs who the fuck read someone's musings about illegal immigrants when this author is white and rich. Yeah I don't want my blog to be something like that. So keep the politics the least here I guess. But I do want to mention it is because you go through your life and get inspired constantly (I hope you do), and I think that is how we become better. Inspiration is a healthy way to be competitive I think. When you are inspired you tend to accomplish a lot to fulfill your intrinsic value. MSTP is definitely an inspiration and I only hope that one day we could all become as successful as we are and lead the world as the pink collars.

Work Work

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A new family in the house

My cousin's family has finally arrived. It is a family of three, 38 yr dad, 34 yr mother and 8 yr old son. Before their arrival, I have worried about the son. I mean 8 yr dad that is very scary. They could be little creatures from hell. Indestructible and no logic on earth can work on them. This reminded me of another cousin's baby who arrived this world about 2 weeks ago. What an ugly thing. That little bastard has a perma frown and usually stares at me with two eyes that are full of annoyance. He probably thought my face was too big or something. Oh yeah, he cries every 10 mins. So yeah... 8 year old boy could be that creature only that he will be much faster, stronger, and destructive.

Lucky me, he turned out to be a cute little boy who has been behaving rather impressively. He of course fell in love with my super PS3 haha. Also, his mother tongue is French since their family emigrated to QueBec a long time ago. How fucking nice! French, English, and Chinese. This little dude is going to get so many chicks it won't be even funny. Yeah I already advised their parents to let him learn hockey and baseball/football if they are going to stay in American. That is like a free ticket to pussy wonderland. Yes, I am being a bit assuming. I assume he is straight and I have a good almost 90% of being right.

Now I am full of hope because I think the rest of the month (that is how long they are going to stay here!), I think I can actually co-exist with an 8 year old boy! After all not all boys are like monkeys from hell. Phew...

It is great to see families again. They are pretty close related families and we have always been on good terms. Now they just sold their little store in Canada and the parents are really considering moving to the U.S. I highly recommend it! Yeah, I also have to mention, they brought me a BOSE Triport Headphone!! SEXY!! I freaking love it. I love it so much that I have to post a picture of hehehehe.

On another unrelated topic, I saw a guy that I really like on manhunt, and we started talking. He is flying back to LA soon. I really really hope this is going to go somewhere. I know, expecting something nice from a place like manhunt.com seems to be a bit naive and too stupid. but... but... and but...

I don't know. I had a lot to blog about but suddenly I felt really tired and my thoughts dried out. Oh well, I will be here tomorrow, blog, about something hehe no rush here.

Finally, Happy 4th!! Wish everyone has a happy and safe holiday. Cheers~~~

Home Town

I stayed in my hometown for 2 weeks.

It is such an interesting place. It will always have a special place in my heart and yet I will never want to go back and live there, ever, again.

The reason I am still trying to go back is because my 82 years old grandma is still kicking and well. She is awesome. Despite the fact that she had a stroke 3 years ago, and became half paralyzed, she is in fine shape. She eats three times a day, and poops at least once a day. Doctor said she has a heart of a 30 year old and all other vital organs are always working properly. Her skin is good too. At age of 82, her face is tight and no sagging whatsoever. Oh the irony. I mean she barely uses lotion and the only means of clean her face is to use a hand towel. Yet, compared to my friends who are in their 20s her skin is like a flawless jade. She lost her ability to speak already and she is too embarrassed to even try. I actually think that if she really tries, she can get it back again. Ah grandma, she is so sweet.

I have to mention my aunt too. She is probably the best daughter anyone can have. She cooks the three meals a day that my grandma eats and every meal is different. In addition my grandma is a faithful Buddhist so she can't eat any meat. Despite the difficulty of cooking up different recipes, my aunt keeps the menu fairly diverse. Also, my grandma needs to pee, a lot. So my aunt can never leaves the house. During the day she has to take her to the bathroom numerious times and it doesn't stop at night either. For that reason, my aunt has to wake up 3-5 times a night to help my grandma pee. Luckily there are two other aunts who assist her to take care of my grandma. They do it in turns, like the old traditional family would for their elderly members. It touched me tremendously and definitely made an impact on my behavior as well.

On the other hand, my other grandma, my mom's mom, has become insane. I mean medically insane. She became insane when my mom was young but luckily her condition was stable. She wasn't going around stabbing people, rather, she just walked and sang weird songs a lot. My favorite uncle and my mom would hold my grandma's hand and walk with her, you know, to just make sure she doesn't wonder off to far away or kill herself. She was known as the crazy in the community, ah, my poor mom and uncle. Even though people would know that she is the crazy person in the neighborhood, no one was afraid of her since she only does her own thing. However, this time I realized that she is much more than just a bit crazy and her "own thing" affects tons of people in the family. For some reason, she feels that she can die at any moment and believes that my mom and my uncle have infinity amount of money. In her own words, "my son prints money!" So, she goes to hospital whenever she has one of those panic episodes. Everytime she goes, she demands to stay there in observation. Of course since it is China and it is my hometown, where hospitals are like hotels, and some doctors are no better than butchers, they are more than glad to admit my grandma till they hit the capacity of beds, only then they kick her out. She, on the other hand, without realizing her own craziness, is so grateful that those doctors are saving her life. Hundreds of thousands of dollars are wasted like this and my mom is so helpless. After closely examine her, my grandma in fact is a healthy person. She has diabetes but only to a small extend. Doctors already prescribed her insolent and other medicines to keep her blood sugar level in check. She is much healthier than her children in some aspects. So, my mom has talked to my uncle and decided that they can't fuel her bank account as if they are printing money. The funny thing is if she doesn't have money she will demand it from her children. Soon enough she has figured out who really has money. Then she will focus on that person, using irrational shouting, calm guilty attacks and some tears and hysterical non-sense talking to make the richer children to give in. See, even a crazy mother can master these conventional means to make their children's life miserable. Oh mothers, we love and aren't we helpless. She has four children and only my mom and my first uncle gave in a long time ago. My grandma, with this information has seized asking money from her other two children altogether. If the per month payment to her bank account is slow or little, she will give a verbal beat down with a long distance phone call whenever she can. Isn't she sweet. But the nanny told us that despite the fact that she is crazy, she is not stupid. If the bank account doesn't have enough money in it, she will not go to the hospital. So now my mom and uncle decided to limit her per month allowance and spend that money on insurance because you know the real expensive expenditures will come later, when she is ACTUALLY sick.

See, isn't my hometown just the best place haha.

Also this place has so many memories. Good and bad of course. I had the most fun when I was little here. In the winter, which lasts more than 5 months a year, snow will cover just about everything. Ground will be frozen and form an inch thick icy shell. Cars are forced to wear chains to operate and salt trucks will never stop working during that time. Back then people's living standards weren't high so we didn't have the snowboard and ski resorts. So all we could do was ice slides, sleds, skate, and making snowman everywhere. It was simple yet it was the best as I know it. Compared to how I am today, I am always amazed how easily kids could back satisfied back then.

On the other hand, hometown is also the place where I started to realize that I love the cock. I actually taught a friend of mine how to jack off and then we would have jackoff sessions. Then I proceeded to suck his balls, hmm.. as an eleven year old kids and I was already not that innocent lol. He was clueless though. He is straight and I kind feel bad now. When I visited two years ago he was supposed to come to my dinner party. I actually thought, oh man, awkward... But he never showed. I guess it was a bit awkward. haha.

Hometown is also a place where I got critically sick. That was the darkest time of my life. It was an autoimmune disease which still lingers today. The disease hit fast and hard and made my body a permanent host. I was sick then dying and it developed extremely fast. My parents didn't realize its severity and that made me hate them for a long time. Especially my dad. But everything is ok now.

Everytime I go back, regardless for what reason, all the memories would find their way back to my heart. It is the little detail that makes my mind tingling all over. I would sometimes smirk, flush, or laugh out loud without myself even knowing it. I guess something can never be forgotten.

For those of you who can barely see snow in your life, this is how my hometown looks like in the winter. It is peaceful, quiet and yet the calm whiteness that envelopes city comes with a bang every year. I love it.

Random things

I went lazy a bit and only updated a lame video but then I felt like I had more to say, so I am gonna just say things in different categories.

Update 1:
Retards.




This is just sad. I mean, the Christian Fundamentalists should kill these people secretly since they make the evil empire look dumb. I like the second guy who couldn't put an entire sentence together. I am sure Falwell is so pissed that he is rolling in his grave now.

How do people become so blind? how could they allow themselves to be so brainwashed. Man DO I APPRECIATE university education. At least I could do some critical thinking on my own.

These people are so stupid that I think it is funny. I am also relieved. With people like this in our path, this war would end soon. Equality for all is not that far away now.


Update 2
Long conversation

Well the long conversation happened because everyone was depressed and tired. I know, it was strange. Well this morning I was awaken by my dad's endless rant about how the new modem for our company's internet has arrived that I should go there and set it up immediately. It was 9:30am and I worked on the stupid windows vista problem till 3 the night before. So after a brief screaming contest, he left and I woke up. Grumpy but wide awake for sure. So I contacted dell support and the problem wasn't resolved. I had to leave around 11:30am to catch a lunch with a formal Disney coworker. It was a great lunch. Saw some old Disney people and made chit chat. My friend and I apparently aggressively tried to recruit her away from Disney hahaha... Then I went to Hookah and at the same time worked on the windows vista issue with my friend. I called dell support and entered another long conversation which started out with one dissatisfied customer and ended with a screaming enraged customer who threw profanity left and right. Yes I was an asshole, and trust me they deserved it, too. Ok I guess Dell multi billion loss/effort on customer service just went to the toilet and yes their CEO was useless and that strategy SUCKED. So then after all this, I rushed back home to see Spiderman 3 with another friend. Rushed was a bit exaggerated since I-5 had three accidents and it wasn't moving. A trip that would normally take me 30 mins took me about 2.5 hours to complete. I finally arrived at the theater at 6:30pm.

Spiderman 3 was ok. I felt that many scenes were trying a bit too hard. I mean it has never been good if the audiences laugh at scenes that are supposed to be serious and sad. However, I guess that was just for some people. My friend cried at the same scene where others were laughing. God girls... Sorry for the slight bit of sexism but oh girls...

Then I went home tired... But I was determined to fix the windows vista problem. After a system restore it actually worked... Then I was happy. But then I realized that I lost my windows vista backup CDKEY. I must have left that cd envelope at the Hookah place. FUCK ME...

The day has just been really long till now. Then I went into my parents room saw my dad talking on the phone. That was when it got heavy. One of my aunt was hospitalized for heart attack. She was released later but she told us that her heart rate was like 20beats/min at one point. Jesus FUCK MAN, that is pretty insane. More bad new continued. The husband of my second aunt had prostate cancer and it had spread all over his body and penetrated his bone marrow. So basically he is a big cancer organ now. They don't think that he can survive much longer and he decided to go back to his hometown and bid farewell to his older family members. Tragic... Then my youngest aunt collapsed at home from exhaustion. See, my grandma had a stroke a couple years ago and half of her body paralyzed since then. My youngest aunt is one of those very traditional Chinese who would be so caring for her parents that she would put their healthy before hers at any given time.

The entire tragic fiasco came out of no where and just hit me like that. I wasn't so shocked by the diseases that they caught per se. I mean seriously everyone including the victims expected these outcomes somewhat either consciously or subconsciously. I mean the years of bad habits and life style, on top of that, how they struggled and prioritized materialistic problems in their lives finally caught up with their health. I remember when I visited home two years ago, I could already see that some of them were already half way through the death's door. It was simply a given.

What hit me hard was that, my generation has finally reached this point where my older generation starts to peace out. It is a long, painful, and inevitable process. So my mom was tearing up. More so for their fate and how helpless that each generation feels when the older ones are dying in front of their eyes. Then she didn't think she was a good daughter etc. I said lots stuff and many points were scattered around. To make long story short, I made a list of stuff I said to both of my parents:

1. Live your own life. If you have to focus, focus on the later generation because you can only do so much for the old. I said this because my mom didn't think she was a good daughter. Well I want to tell her that she can only do so much before the old people just get so old that it is really in god's hand at certain point. (I use the term god loosely, mainly to the extent of fate, in a spiritual way) There is no point on dwelling what you haven't done because there will be a million things that you always think that you could have done but didn't. We cant live in regrets. Just do the best we can at this time within our ability. I mean seriously, we can only do so much when there is a giant ocean separating the families.
2. Please take care of your own bodies because if any of you dies it'd be a very hard thing to deal with for all of us. An ordeal and no less, a good 5-8 years at least. See my parents are pretty progressive and I always say that we should think things through beforehand. Including death. My mom has been having some problem with her liver and my dad has been struggling with high blood pressure. Also my grandpa died from colon cancer and my dad is approaching my grandpa's age when he died. It was all very scary to think about and quite depressing to talk about at the same time. But I think it was important to talk about it. Once I touched the subject and leaving it in the open, my parent would tend to have more courage to think about it and actually do something about it. I told my dad if mom dies he would just collapse physically and mentally. I told him that despite that he might be denying this but the truth was that he has no mental or physical capacity or capability to handle any kind of pressure nowadays. He has just never been good at it anymore once he got older. He didn't even deny it. It was good to talk about actually. For the first time, I didn't see my dad being ignorant. He wasn't in denial in some of the important issues and that was very important.
3. They should be happy about what they have and stop stressing over their business. After all health and happiness are really the things they would relish not just on deathbed but throughout their lives. They agreed and they thought that I shouldn't get into a field where it would become too competitive. I compared their lives with my dad's sibling's lives. I mean the three aunt's lives I mentioned above. After the comparison it wasn't that hard to see that we still had a lot even though we might be stressed out sometimes here and there. I think once we had this talk, they really felt a bit relieved and for that I am relieved as well.

Those were the main points that I thought it was the key. We also mentioned about career things but those were just kind of old talks that we have been having since the beginning of time.

The conversation seriously lasted about 3 hours and I was really glad we did it. My dad and I aren't what you would call "buddies". So this is really once on a blue moon kinda event. It was actually really really good. A bit surprising and I think most importantly we touched some great issues that hopefully raised more concern regarding THEIR well-beings. They need to stop worrying about me now. They told me that all they want for me is that I have a good education, a stable job, a decent living and most importantly, doing all these to achieve the ultimate goal, to just be happy. That is all they want. I sincerely believe what they say even though they may give me lots unwanted pressure. However, I really wish that they could still say the same thing when one day I tell them that I am gay.

Update 3
Trip.

Another reason that we are all kinda stressed out lately is because my mom and I are going to China for both business and pleasure for a month. We are leaving next Tuesday. Yes, that is exactly why I have been a bitch screaming at Dell people since I would never imagine a crappy computer made from a crappy manufacturer can't even last long enough for a business trip.

Update 4
60 Mins on Sexual Orientation
60 Mins on Gay.
Thanks Towleroad.com for the clip collection.

Anyways, this post is getting out of hand. See ya

A response to a nice post

I went to MSTP Bound's blog and read his post about his favorite professor and how his professor made a profound impact on him. I was gonna casually leave a comment and it turned out to be quite long. Long enough to be my own update haha. So here you have it. I think it is important that teachers know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it. And I thank the teachers who made important impact on me. For that I am better and stronger. For that I should be a person who does good things the right way, my way, the uncompromising way. For people who read my blogs before, I have written about this teacher of mine several times around, and MSTP Bound's post just touched that special area in my heart and it really resonated. So here is my response.



This is really one of the best posts i have read in bunch blogs around for a while. It is sincere and I think it is very very important to let people know that the world's future is really on our generation's shoulder. Yes it sounds cheesy and stupid and so self obsessed. But if you really think about it, the world has never faced so many chaos before. The epidemic of AIDS, new forms of cancer, the possibility of human engineering, nuclear proliferation, global terrorists, and the most deadly one, the Global Warming issue that could peace all us out.

I am listing all this not because that I think we can fix them all in our generation. But I think our generation is the first generation to receive this kind of challenge. We cannot keep doing what our generation has been doing -- being apathetic about everything and anything. In order to make the change, I think it is the responsibility of the educators of our generation. I wrote about this professor that I had this semester. He was a Harvard graduate and also Phd. [In] The last class, the [professor] didn't teach. He told us three things that he wanted us to do when we walk out the classroom.

1. Life isn't fair; it could get really hard, but just HANG ON there, opportunity will manifest itself. remember to just HANG ON. He didn't want his students to be quitters. FYI, he was a high school dropout and black if that says anything about HANGING ON.

2. Do everything with excellency. For our own sake, do not waste resources and time. Do the best you can do at everything, even you do not succeed, at least you will not have regrets.

3. Remember to GIVE BACK. He said that he definitely could make much more than he could at USC. (I will give it a wild guess, I am thinking about quarter million a year salary wise, since it was our 1 million/professor campaign). He said that he really didn't think money was the solution. He was given an opportunity to change his entire life that he should do the same. He just wanted us to be good people, and when we conquer the world, remember the less fortunate and privileged and GIVE BACK. The society really needs that and it can only get better when the rich and [the] power[ful] have ethics and are willing to take the social responsibilities.

I can say that people who had ambition and had a good heart were all sincerely touched and ready to take actions. At graduation, we all toasted to the professor and we genuinely thank[ed] him for awaking the better part of us within.

Also, thanks for the comment, it was my first time reading your blog last night, and I spent lots time here. Rare to see Asian bloggers. I am also Asian, 6'1'', 170 lbs. Now I feel like i am on Craigslist hehe. Wrote this just very fast, and I don't want to go back and prove read it, so please excuse all the grammar and typos. :p

UPDATE: I just found this blog, Copyranter, it is absolutely hilarious! I love it, check it out.

Party Party, actually it was kinda interesting this time

It is 7:00am. I got home around 5:00am, and an online friend from Missouri wanted to play some games so we went on battle.net and played a couple. Now I am not even sleepy, not even with my new magic pillow. You know those pillows with special shapes that is supposed to keep your spine straight and increase your sleeping quality etc. I swear it helps and I love it! Anyways, let's get back to what I was going to write about lol...

I am in a chatty mood right now, so the post may be a bit rambling and a bit of laundry list but whatever haha. I write as I wish.

So as usual, a bit drama before sunset even arrived. Kiki, the girl who once was a close friend later turned into an utter bitch and distanced herself from everyone in our group graduated today. Last year, she didn't even show up at our graduation and the whole night, she didn't say one "congratulations". Yes everyone in our old group was super pissed. But we had fun at the club so we let it go. However, after the little gang fell through, and now it was her turn, everyone decided to ditch her graduation as well. I know, how bitchy of everyone hahaha. Oh well she had it coming. But this time it was a bit different. Her parents were here and they wanted to treat us dinner and then she wanted to go clubbing. The thing is that she is out of my life completely and the other two friends of hers really do not like her but somehow still hang around. Every time they get mad at her which is about at least once a week they would ramble about shits that she had done to me. It became an old story on a broken record. Long story short, everyone started to argue why we should/shouldn't show up. At the end, I ditched the whole thing since she never directly asked me at all and I was so indifferent about her now that I may say something that is really offensive at the dinner table and that would be just inappropriate. The other two friends went anyway.

So..... I called my other friends and they sure had a party at a club tonight.


The club's name is BLVD 3. Kinda swanky. But I believe this place passed its prime. Clubs in LA are just like fleas on a homeless dog. They are everywhere and come and go. Same location, different names. Old games. At least in NY, some notorious clubs would stand a long time. But in LA they kinda have to change it to make it attractive enough to be successful.

Anyways, the club itself was very nice. There was a huge outside area in which a lot of bungalow like tables scattered around. Inside, there were bunch tables outside of the dance floor and some more tables inside the dance floor. The tables outside of the dance floors were a bit higher than the dance floor, so whoever got the table would be able to have a semi birds eye view of the whole club. It was a decent area but I think the birds eye view kinda ruined it in my opinion. There was no mystery anymore and you can literally see everyone doing his/her thing. It separates you from the environment and crowd. I mean who would want to be an outsider or an observer in a club.

But yeah so we got there around 11:40pm which was too late for guest list. Since we had 10 people in total we just bought a table. It was 2 bottles table for 1000 dollars. So we got two bottles of Grey Goose. Personally I think Vodka is just gross... But everyone else seemed to love it. Compared this to LA gay clubs, I think the entertainment value that these straight clubs bring out is really not worth it for how much money you pay. Gay clubs, even the famous ones like the Abbey doesn't have this fancy shumancy shits, and the club is just as good.

However, the highlight of the night wasn't the club. It was a GUY, a very pretty guy lol. My friend L organised this party and her ex-boyfriend had become her friend now. His brother Chris from Singapore came over for his graduation. He was SOO freaking HAWT. Big brown eyes, high nose and a huge smile. His body was ripped and had tattoo on his right arm. Apparently, he didn't waste that good looks of his. Two weeks ago he just won the "Singapore most eligible bachelor" title. From our conversation, it seemed that his family is pretty wealthy and he is now manufacturing wall-paint in Singapore. I was talking to him the whole night and kept touching his lower back. Ok it may sound very offensive and slutty but actually it was much needed. The music was blasting so in order to make any kind of verbal communication we had to be 1 inch from each other. So the lower back hug was just a natural physical progression lol. It was nice..... He also told me that on his spare time he does print-ad modeling and TV commercials for LG phones etc. Yum... I am sure he does hahaha. I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

We actually finished the two bottles fairly quickly. Yeah I know, my friends were kinda like alcoholics lol. We danced some. I mean none of these people were good dancers. Well not like I am awesome at it but I can always appreciate great dancers.

Since we got there so late, by the time the club closed, everyone wasn't having enough of fun. So we decided to go to one of the guy's home in downtown LA. He and his gf bought a loft in downtown right around 9th and broadway. It was not that big, a typical loft. Basically it was a huge room and everything was in this one big room. Bedroom and living room were separated by a semi wall and you can get to the kitchen from the bedroom by walking forward a couple feet hehe. However, it felt great to be there. It was like a little love nest and it was plenty room for two people. They told us that this loft, basically a big room, cost them 650k. Even though I expected it to be somewhere around that range, I still felt kinda surprised. The real estate had gone just insane in the past years in California and I think it got even harder for people to just fulfill the basic American dreams nowadays. I mean 650k for a normal family that is like almost life long mortgage. No wonder people are so unhappy nowadays haha. But again, the inside was so nice and it really brought out a modem and yet traditional family warmth in the loft.

After being silly in the room for a while, everyone went to the rooftop. The loft building had a rooftop for parties. So they got a gym, a big pool, a jacuzzi and a big open area with sofa and fireplaces on the freaking roof top!! It was so nice. The 4:00am air was really refreshing. Everyone sobered up and sat around the sofas and chatted the night away. The entire downtown LA was under us and we could pretty much see everything that this city center had to offer. It was beautiful. Well at least as beautiful as a modern heavily polluted city could be. One of the guys got really excited and jumped in the pool in his underwear lol. Hilarious. Especially he wasn't even all that fit, so he did live up to his nickname---the hippo lol~~~.

Everyone was laughing and drinking (yes, they were still fucking drinking, a bottle of red wine). It was great. We made another round of toast to the proud USC class 07. Yes, the class 07 of USC, the best class ever is now ready to conquer the world.

Haha.

Well, school is done

I don't know. Compared to others, I am not happy at all. I don't know what is there to celebrate. I mean literally you have to be retarded to not be able to graduate once you get in an university and I don't care which university. So finishing a degree or two is really not much of an accomplishment in my opinion. It is not like I served in the military and went to war and came back in one piece. That would be some accomplishment worth celebrating.

Instead, I am just socially reborn. The birth is so sudden just like my biological birth. But worse since now I am fully conscious and have the capacity to gasp on what is ahead of me. Talking about what is ahead of me. I have no fucking clue, maybe that is why it is so bloody painful. The unknowns like death. It is like I am born to see death. How great is that. I mean is that worth celebrating. It is probably worth getting plastered. Maybe that is what everyone else is doing but they call it celebrating? A celebration of new rebirth of death, that is just fucking pleasant. People say they are over school. Like, "omg I am soo fucking over this shit". I am just confused. WTF are you fucking over with?? School is like a perfect place to do challenge stuff and yet allow you to complete fuck up. Maybe minus the "not getting paid part", everything else is so awesomely great. Well getting paid is pretty important, so I guess they do have a point lol... But then it is almost like, at least for most of the people, it is a paid life sentence. You get paid this measly tiny portion of the money to pay your bills and your only joy comes from early days, vacations, bonuses, and retirement. Please tell me that life is not about this. However, from what I see, most of the people in the world do live for that. It is truly sad.

Anyways, this week is going to be the party week. I already missed a big party last night. I really wanted to go but at the same time I just felt kinda down because of the reasons I mentioned above. But also I was somehow feeling exhausted. Maybe my body is taking a big relief despite the fact that mentally I refuse to move on. Anyways, I got a headache around 7:00pm and then I got just really tired around 8:30pm. So after calling people confirming the party, I took a nap and woke up around 10:00pm. The nap did not make me feel any better and I woke up because I had a creepy nightmare. To think of it now, I finally realized maybe it is how I felt about the future because in the dream, there was this dark shadowy creature trying to open my door and enter my house and no matter how hard I tried, it eventually made its way in. Creepy.... Anyways, I am sure there are going to be at least two more parties over this weekend. I will try to go as many as possible.

Today I finally made to my gym again. Trainer wasn't happy that I worked out once a week in the past two weeks and I wasn't eating right. But then I am going to do much better from now on since I have nothing else to do. He TOTALLY kicked my ass. It was probably the hardest work out I had so far. We did one group of exercises. It was five different kinds of exercises compressed together and each set involved doing all of the 5 types together then I would get a pathetic 45 seconds break before I do them all over again. The five types of exercise were:

1. Inclined bench press with 30 lbs dumbbells (this is after another 3 exercises chest workout routine!!!)
2. deadlock pull ups with a barbell, I think it was 100lbs
3. medicine ball push ups - one hand on a medicine ball the other one on the floor, 5 on each hand
4. leg push ups on a machine
5. 5. biceps curls on a machine.

These were second half of our workout routine. Before this I already had 30 mins of squad and chest workouts. Two different sets of chest workouts and each one involved more than 1 type exercise. Then we finished our entire workout with abs stuff. I was so tired I could barely move. After workout, he helped me stretch. My hamstrings were extremely tight so I started to moan. He then said jesus you sound like you are having sex. That was when he was pushing his body weigh on my foot. It was just like he was fucking me with one of my legs up in the air on his chest. I started to laugh but then my dirty mind started its engine. Then he went even further saying oh yeah you like that huh you feeling good? I was laughing so hard and at the same time felt so hot. Imagine he knew I was gay I am 100% sure that he wouldn't mess around like this with me anymore lol~~~. Once I got in the shower, I was in a very bad place. I wanted to throw up really bad but held in. I think I drank way too much water and way too fast. But after the shower I felt better immediately and it was also comforting once I looked in the mirror. I am definitely making progress!

Anyways, I think I need to find a job soon. Also I need to get a lot of shits done before I leave to China for my 1 month vacation. Ah..... So much shit!!

To finish this post, I added this great song/music video by Peter Bjorn and John, I am sure most of you have already heard this, it is called Young Folks. I love it!