A facet of humanity, A facet of life

I had a very long conversation today with Rishi from MSTP Bound over msn. As a matter of fact, I just finished with him. So it'd be totally boring for me to completely reiterate the whole thing. But all in all, I feel that we as people are MUCH less tolerant to others nowadays.

The reason we even had this long conversation is because I truly feel bad for Britney Spears. Yeah criticize all you want. I am sure even without fame, money and working since 13 years old, you are probably catastrophically fucked up in your life one point and another. Also, since your parents aren't exactly like Britney, who has fame and money and started working since 13, they know that due to their pathetic 401k and your fucked up instincts, you probably can't afford doing the same grave mistake twice. Actually, they know better. When they see a hint of fucked-up-ness when you beat your friend with a bat because of he stole your sandwich, they do everything in their power, religion, guilty, brutality, or for Paris Hilton's case, no more Bentley, to stop that pattern from developing. But as we can see, money usually fucks that plan up too. I mean look at Paris, she is just lovely too. So your poor parents really know exactly where you are going the first time you swallowed your goldfish, so they punish you royally. You, like a little bitch, one way and another, suddenly have a taste of life and responsibility. Or, better, they disown you. I mean usually Americans breed like crazy, especially in California, I am sure they have the leverage to disown one or two if the kids are just too fucked in the head. I mean you are a total liability and not mentioning your unpaid emotional distress. Disowning you would be probably one of their best things they have done in their lives since they aborted your other siblings when their party nights became a big mistake. See parents fuck up too. Anyways, once you are gone, all they have is written-off liabilities and you become someone else's problem.

But Britney couldn't be. She earns millions. As matter of fact, before her down fall, her estate is estimated to be around 100 million at tender age of 21. Let's not say 100 million. I am sure a shit load of you would just whore your whole family out, one way or another, to get that 10 million. That, my friend makes you 10 times more of what you considered to be a total disaster.

She couldn't know better. Starting beauty pageant and working since 13, all she is now is a grown up woman with 2 kids but who is really still at her 15 year old mentality. Her short life as she knows it has been nothing but success. Her family and the industry, also the general public lived through her success, earning billions of dollars. Now she is a fallen starlet and the society is still milking her out.

I am not saying she takes no blame for it at all but I just don't think most of the Americans could have done it better if it was them in her shoes. Remember she was the first tween stars reaching super stardom. Basically SHE is the handbook for the next generation stars who happen to be less of a fuck up.


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I am actually not writing this for Britney, interestingly enough considering I have been talking about her so much. Well I, regardless of being indifferent to her success, suddenly felt sympathetic. I sincerely feel bad for her as I watched her disastrous performance. Her face would be crying if it could. Even she kinda realized that all is over after it was finished.

I had a lot of obstacles growing up, I mean being gay is just one of the many and in certain extend it is not the hardest thing in my life actually. So after all this, I TRULY think that pity, sympathy, or the very least, the ability to be non judgemental AT TIMES is really a virtue in today's society. I feel that at least at this moment, pity is really a fine form of humanity. As soon as you feel bad for something with flaws, that is exactly when your soul starts to make you different from an animal. Human emotions, are probably the only inexhaustible source in this world. It does run out only when we choose to. However, I think in general, if we all just keep an open mind, and shows some pity to people who are in unfortunate situations, I really think the world can be MUCH better. It is like no brainer you know. But also, you know karma has its ways.

Anyways, enough ranting tonight. Fuck it I still like the new song by Britney. I am gay what can I say.

Sexual encounters

My blog has been pretty pg-13. The reason is well one, I practice abstinent. Ok just kidding. Well I do not have all that many encounters, and second even when I do, I somehow find it extremely tiring and boring to write a sexual encounter. Also, when it comes to sex, I prefer to do it instead of writing about it. I mean what would you write down?

"oh yeah bitch that is how I like it.'

"UHHHHHH YEAHHHH"

"I AM CUMING".

How fucking dumb and tacky that is.

So I guess everything is a bit less interesting when there is no sex.

Another reason is that I never had a real relationship. You know, boyfriend, husband or fuck buddy or w/e. I did have some flings but I really do not know how I would want to categorize them even till today. I tried to write some of it but everytime when I sit in front of my computer, I find myself speechless. Sex, relationship, and encounters could be awkward as it is in real life, and now I am about to add boredom and dullness on top of it and replay the whole thing in deadly uninteresting fashion on my blog. Usually I just get rid of them after the first paragraph.

But then I do feel like mentioning them because I always wanted to have a little black book in which I record all my fuck experiences in detail. I mean the black book is already setup and I am just not sure why I am not putting my memories up on the blog.

Anyways, I guess I will start to just simply record for my own memory's sake. I am pretty sure I still cannot record graphic details for those aforementioned reasons.

Today's encounter was a white dude, age 30. He lives in Pasadena, and let's call him TH. T stands for his name and H stands for hookup. Anyways, we started talking online and he had a very beefy and muscular body, a bit hairy too. Definitely something that I never had before. So quickly we setup the time/location and I drove up to his apt. He had a dog named Skippy. How cute. The sex was o.k. I can't blame them because for one I haven't bottomed all that much so that my ass is extremely tight -_-... I need to find a regular so my ass would adapt to this kind of fucking. I sometimes do envy woman. Their vagina is such a ingenious design by nature.. ok I guess that was kinda gross... So the actual anal sex wasn't so long but I definitely had my way with his cock using my mouth. I don't know, I just like oral a lot. He was gentle actually and I liked that.

After fucking we did a brief talk and then I found out that he was actually a construction worker. No wonder the beefiness. It is very pornolicious but I am not sure if that is where I want to direct my fucking pattern in the future... Anyways I might call him again to practice.

here is how he looked like. It felt pretty good in my hands.

What would I do?

One of my good blogger friend's real identity has just been revealed on his very own blog. His name was plastered in a comment section. Of course my friend is not amused by this and feels threatened. Now his blog turned into temporary invitation only mode. We talked about it and together we think it is not as critical as he think since 1. he is already openly gay to both his family and friends, 2. he is not talking about bad things about people on his blog. Since he writes because he wants to, there is no reason for his writing style to suddenly change. His currently blog is very innocent as it is. I mean yes there is sex encounter entries but what would other people say regarding that? Nothing. So he is probably going to unlock it soon.

The problem is that even though no damage has been done, it is still irritating that someone who knows you is peeking through a window and see your life unravels whereas you can't even peek back. I guess that could be very upsetting. I suggested my friend to confront him/her on an ethical level in the same comment section and then keep the blog open for a while see what will happen.

Now I am wondering what would I do if this happens to me. I am in the financial field and things like this could be career damaging. I mean it has happened before so I should be extra careful. Should it happen, should I just go privated you know back to the closet? or should I just not care. Or maybe give up on blogging?

my mom and jessica simpson

they have nothing in common, but my mom had a major Jessica Simpsons moment today.

I told my mom a couple weeks ago that I wanted to eat some canned tuna for my protein intake. Her first visit to the market didn't bring back anything. She said the market didn't carry canned tuna. I was like, well that is strange how can a market not to carry tuna. But w/e, I am not in a dare need of eating canned tuna.

Today she came back with Chunky Tuna. I am like oh yeah this is it. She then said,

"Well this is the only brand I could find. I searched isle by isle. There were lots other similar cans, but it says Chicken on them, So i wasn't sure if I should buy them."

I was like, dear lord... I mean she is an immigrant so she doesn't know w/e. But the fact that she said it just like Jessica did on the TV was priceless. I had to explained it to her that it is called Chicken of the Sea is because it is nutritious and common like Chicken, but of the sea. She is like oh... that is why, but it is so stupid... I am like hmm you are kinda right. haha.

Anyways, my mom is pretty cute sometimes.

Life Moves on

It always does, no matter what happens.

Post coming out to my mom has been amazing. The second day was just as painful though. She still looked devastated and we would cry as soon as the quietness reoccupy the room. It is even harder because we had to hide it from my dad. She said some even more hurtful things such as "I wish I never had you so wouldn't suffer though this abomination" or "how about we die together." Yes she did go there. I kept my cool and focused on the ball. The key was to keep talking to her. I wouldn't leave a single moment and let her mind go wild on its own. I had to drag her out of that self loathing spiral and make her understand that it is MY life and MY issue to deal with. She needed to stop worrying for me (at least for the wrong reasons), and she needed to stop mentally enslaving herself to become a victim. She has been an incredibly strong woman and she has been trying to keep an open mind. As soon as she started talking, I knew it was going to be a good journey from there and on.

I was absolutely right, after 3 days of constant communication she has already made almost an 180 degrees turn. Even though she still wanted me to try girls and allegedly a nerd is coming from Australia and she wants me to see her (my eyes have rolled to the back of my confused brain), she and I are very clear that my attraction to guys is way more compared to girls and she really know that most likely I would end up with a guy.

I think it was three days ago that she told me she read an article about a Chinese guy coming out to his parents. Her mom's reaction was the same. The family was just like our family which has been very traditional and they maintained a healthy environment since the kid was little. In the article, the gay dude made his mom a grandma in 5 years. So after my mom read it, her comments were "I guess things work out, it might not be so bad." Even though I could tell that it wasn't something that she originally planned but after literally days of communication, along with her own tremendous effort, her view and her hopes started to transform. As I told her, since we are living in this world, we are already the lucky ones. Look at the brighter side of all things and life will move along much better. People really don't appreciate or understand this until they encounter some grief adversity I guess. I think once something traumatic happens, the recovery definitely makes a person better if the person is willing to direct him/herself to the right path.

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For those of you who left me messages, emails, and phone calls, I have to say a very sincere thank you. Without this blog, I think my accidental coming out wouldn't come so soon and I think life has become much better and easier. For that I have to appreciate the mere chance of starting a blog so randomly. Also, more importantly, I have to say thank you again to those of you who kept talking to me online. Topics might be random but the communication, gay related or not build up confidence in me and I really really appreciate that. Amit, I am fine. Hehe don't worry, I didn't jump off a tall building and check out. lol~~

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ok back to my regular gay rant. I know from here and on I think the blog will not likely have anything huge and dramatic for a while. It is going to be boring and rant filled, so turn away if you wish hehe.

I went to the outlet, wasn't so much for the shopping but to just hanging out more with my friends.

I somehow have a gut feeling that in a year or two, my life will have another transformation and so will my friends. For example, my best friend is comtemplating wether or not to take Dior's offer. If she does, she has to sign a five year contract and travel to a different place every month. I always wanted to keep everyone close by so I feel a sense of community. However, we are all growing up and we have to burst the bubble and start to live our lives. LA is just one fucked up city and there is a whole world outside of California and even America. Anyways, back to my story...

Rishi shut up, outlet is for people too! It was great. At YSL an obvious gay couple were shopping. They weren't fem or anything. But the way they interacted with each other and how they dressed and how the older one checked me out once I entered were all clear signs. I think the older one was the younger one's sugar daddy because he seemed to be paying the bill. Hehe. I know I am so cynical. On the way out, a pair of white boys dressed up like Euro trash meets California surfer wanna bes walked pass us laughing and chatting. The long haired one stopped and definitely checked me out with failed subtlety. I mean he did that seemed to be looking down but actually looking at you kinda thing. haha I loved it, I mean it is always great when someone nice checking you out! lol~~ Then when I went to True Religion, a David Beckham kinda guy was shopping there and I couldn't take my eyes off him. We exchanged looks but I was sure he wasn't into me. I mean if he stepped in a gay club he would demand attention whereas I just sit at the corner... However, my friend said he was gross due to his dark pink sandals. Yeah I think it is kinda gross too haha.

I don't know I think once your parent knows, you feel more comfortable doing whatever you are doing. It isn't so bad anymore.

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On another note, I am cutting a friend of my life again. This is the 3rd time I am doing this to friends who I have met over 3 full years. In fact one was 8 years, then a 3 years, and this one was going for the 4th year. It is truly sad but I think once you see a person's essence, there is no need to waste your time on people who don't deserve it. It is not so much Holier than Thou attitude, rather, it is how compatible you feel. I am always really nice to people and the idealistic side of me always dreamed about everyone lives happily together and people treat each other with respect, care, and sincerity. Apparently, my practical side has been winning the battle since the beginning of time as I know it. The teacher that I blogged about, told us that you would be considered lucky if you could make more than two true friends in your life. It is true. Personally, I think true friends would be friends would give you the truth with all the good intentions, friends would overcome jealousy and embrace your success, friends who would treat your problems like their own and help you succeed, and friends who wouldn't be afraid of correcting your horrible personal traits. It is a one chance world and you just can't fuck it up. For gay men, it is even easier. Just see which friend of yours would stand up for you when you are the minority. I don't mean it like they have to march on the street for gay marriage. But how they react to your transformation, how they treat the topic around, and how they initiate their interaction around you and your gay friends all speak louder than their words. I am sure a lot of people are "cool" with it now, but sadly it isn't so true. They still do not fully understand what exactly it is like to be gay. A lot of them claim they are cool with it means a mere "I am not dumping you out of my life" assurance. Yes, as sad as it sounds, that is their acceptance.

The reason I am writing this is because it has to do with my recent coming out. The process has been very easy except for the mom. I really naively thought my friends were cool with it. However, I think I learned a lesson that "cool" with it isn't right. We do not need tolerance. We tolerate diseases, we tolerate a tyrant, we tolerate bad weathers. We need respect and equality. I want to be treated like I am no different than anyone else around me. We are normal people; we aren't diseases. Cool with it already has some sort of "doing you a favor" "I am very holy and moral" connotation to it. What they do not understand, also, we as closeted gays who fail to notice in this chaotic process, is that somehow their acceptance of our sexual identity has made them morally superior. So OUR issues become something that is entirely about them! I am not making an over generalizing comment here. I am sure a lot of people are really accepting it and supporting it for me. But yesterday I just learned that some may not and I think every self respecting gay man should open their eyes and really see what is going on.

I came out to a friend named J a couple months ago. Her boyfriend is Asian and extremely fob. So I never liked him to begin with. Her brother is about 5'6", skinny to the bones, and kinda fem, so if anything he would be identified as the gay man. The boyfriend and the brother both look like genuine bottoms but due to their delirious minds, they just don't see it. Yet, they are homophobic, and they think I am gay because, 1. I don't like to fix up my car. (yeah you heard it right, fucking fobs get a grip, making a fake turbo on your fucked up Toyota doesn't make you straight), 2. I seem to argue about useless shit with people, you know like, topics like respect. This friend of mine was a bit of shall we say immature. She could be friendly all the time but when you count on her doing something important, she always seems to flake out. The people in our group all tolerated her antics because she looks like 16 even though she is already 23. But who would really argue with her since she looks like 16??

Anyways because of all this, I really just wanted to maintain a healthy normal friend relationship with her. I know that because of all the differences and the lack of reliability and trust wouldn't make us the best of friends but she was good enough for me to tell her who I really was. I told her, she was shocked and she said she was honored that I trusted her enough to share this with her. (I was happy that she suddenly said something so supportive). I told her, DO not tell your bf and brother because they are homophobic even though they look gayer than I am. I don't know them, period, and they like to gossip so please DO NOT SHARE this information. However, if they directly ask you if I was gay due to some unusual circumstances, such as catching me chatting with you about guys etc, I guess it is ok to let them know. But DO NOT voluntarily advertise this. She said "oh, man that is gonna be hard, but ok I promise you I won't since it is something about 'life and death"'. I was assured because she said something so profound, she seemed to understand the magnitude of this issue and the importance of my privacy.

One month later, both her brother and boyfriend knew. And I just figured that out 3 days ago. When I confronted her, she used her signature "omg, so annoying, I don't' know what is going on, it just happened, I don't know I don't know I don't know." response. She then proceeded with some lame and vague excuse. Her explanation was because her bf and brother always talk about it so she felt really annoyed. In her mind, by telling them that I was gay would stop them from talking about me being potentially gay. First of all, if they are as straight as they sound, why would they sit together and talk about which guy would possibly be gay SO MUCH that you couldn't even just ignore it. Secondly, how is telling them that I am gay gonna stop them from talking. So much for the "life and death" comment. Their bitch mouths would be splashed all over the places and spread more about the perpetual Asian gay stereotypes, you know, I don't like to fix up my car. (seriously, what kinda fucking retards fix up cars, if you aren't rich, spend the money on investments educations and read a bit more; if you are rich, get a Bentley or Ferrari already.) The fact that she awkwardly lied about her motive was even more insulting. I mean do I look like that I am that stupid to believe this shit that she smeared all over my face?

I do not know what part of DO NOT tell them she didn't understand. I guess coming out does show who are your real friends. For them it is not a big deal to just talk about it like if they farted or not in the morning. What is even worse that they would probably just turn around and call me over sensitive. See how she made this shit completely about her and made it in a way that I coudln't even blame her for what she did. I mean what kind of douchebag would I be if I blame her for her attempt to stop them from talking about me being right?

I mean can you imagine when you rely them on something even less significant? The utter lack of respect, trust, and outright ignorance are the final draw for me. The world is large and people do come in and go in your life. I am not going to waste my time on useless fuck ups like this anymore. Man I shouldn't have bought her that fucking Juicy Couture make up bag a week ago. God I am so fucking blind.

Anyways rant off.

Thanks Rishi for the phone call I had a good laugh!

Coming out to my mom - 2

Just got back from the gym. The trainer kicked my ass. It is good actually, I get to laugh hard and forget about things for just a little while. However, everytime I laugh whole heartily, only an empty sadness feeling awaits me. It really feels awful. It is like all good things are sucked away by this invisible force. No happiness allowed.

So my mom sat next to my bed and we were just talking. It wasn't really much of a conversation. Rather it was a peaceful and quiet time and we both just enjoyed this rare occasion. Given my state of mind, this rather bonding moment was almost like a death sentence because I knew if I said anything, all this peaceful illusion will shatter like it has never existed before. That very thought made me even sadder. I lay there still and just breathing in and out and trying not to be too emotional.

My mom had no idea what I was going through and she was just very happy that we got to enjoy each other's company like this.

"time passes by too fast ma."
"i know, I remember you were like a little kid yesterday."
"I know I feel the same way. Like you have already told me a hundred times, you used to hold me and count my eye lashes. You are so silly."
The room's ambiance took place. I was in bed and my mom sat still rocking back a forth a bit.

I don't know, this warmth of family was anything but soothing. It was like a mirror showing me what I had and what I would destroy if I come clean. I felt devastated and tears just started to stream down uncontrollably. I tried not to make it obvious so I said "ah, so many things are on people's mind nowadays. Everyone is so busy."

"You have a lot of things on your mind?"
"yeah..."
"you can tell me"
"No I can't"

By this time my voice already cracked and she leaned over and confirming that I was indeed crying. She then became very nervous and ensured me that I could tell her anything.

"I really don't think it is a good time to talk about it."
"It is ok. We will talk about it when you are ready."

She held my hand and started to rock back and forth a little again.

It was a defining moment in my life. I was desperate and I was afraid. I wanted to just drop it like that since she left me an route to back away from the topic. But I was just so tired of this crap that I didn't want to leave this opportunity like a wuss. I knew in my heart right now that if I missed tonight, I might wait years till I can finally feel this desperate and sad and encourage to just go all out again.

"They say, moms always know."
"Know what?"
"I don't know. They just say moms always know, I guess it isn't true."
"What is going on don't scary me, what should I know?"
"what do you think?"

Pause,

"It is ok son, medicine nowadays is very advanced. If you discover something we can get treatment right away, don't be scared."
"It is not a disease."
"oh so what is it then?"

Silence.

"You can tell me really. You got some relation problems?"
"Ma I really don't think we should talk about it tonight. I don't think I can tell you."

Pause and I could feel she was getting nervous.

Half jokingly, "are you gay?"

Silence
"ARE YOU?"

More tears.

Her voice shaking, "ARE YOU GAY? ARE YOU ARE YOU?"

"See I didn't want to do it this way. I really had no choice, do you really want to talk about it now?" I cried even harder.

She collapsed on the floor next to the bed and started to sob and then cry. She looked utterly devastated and even now she just kept repeating "Are you? Are you?"

Then she gripped my hands and dragged me closer looked in my eyes. Nervously searching in my pupil to see a slight sigh of me lying, she said,

"It is ok son, we can treat this, we will get you a doctor you will be fine. You can't be gay." " YOU CAN'T BE GAY!!!" She collapsed again and cried like a mad woman.

I was so emotionally drained and totally in shock that all I could do was to look at her.

She laughed then cried and then kept repeating " are you really gay? you can't be gay, you don't even look gay!"

I just cried and utterly speechless. I felt so powerless because I knew that at that moment, no matter what I say, she would still be in her own world. It was the end of the world as she knew it. It was over.

She then suddenly grabbed again. Her shaking hand and voice and those pair of eyes filled with despair said "I am begging you please don't be gay, you can't be gay. My love, my only son you can't do this to me!!!"

She held me closer and rocked me back and forth, and just cried. I felt like a baby again. For a brief moment I felt like we were so close. Tragedy brings people together. It is indeed true. But this was like a endless nightmare. She went back and kept repeating that I couldn't possibly be gay. I was just going through a phase.

All I could do was to just watch motionlessly.

"How do you even know?"
"I knew since I was 10"
"you don't understand anything at 10"
"ma I really do."
"It was all my fault, why is this happening, I ruined your life"
"Ma stop saying that, it is not true. It just happens. It is not a disease and it is not a disorder. there is 10% of the population are just gay."

She looked at me in disbelief yet I could tell that deep inside she knew it was true. She just kept crying hysterically. Her eyes started to wonder around aimless. I got really scared because I thought I really lost her. I thought shit my mom was going insane. I am such a fucking stupid dumbass why did I have to tell her. At that moment it wasn't about me anymore, I just worried about her too much.

"How can you know at age of 10! what did you know? know that you are a girl?
"Ma, I am a guy who just likes guys I am not a girl."

"You just don't like girls?? How can you not like girls? I know, you just haven't found the right one. You are always so extreme, you should be patient. I know why you tell me you are gay because I disliked gay people so much that you just want to make me mad. It is a mental disease we will go see a doctor together ok? Do know that gays will die from AIDS they all get AIDS eventually. How are you gonna survive alone. Do you know how sad is it to die alone? You must have been tortured by this, this is all my fault. You must have been so unhappy all this time. Homos are always sad. You shouldn't be gay, the whole society will look down on you, and I don't want my son to be a second class citizen. You can't do it with girls is that it? We can treat that too..."

She kept going with these questions and I was bombarded and dazed. I felt so tired... so tired... I felt that life is just too much some times.

Due to the circumstance so eventually I told her Ma it is ok, I will try dating girls again. Don't be sad now ok? Everything is going to be fine. I am dating girls... We will have a normal family. I will have a wife, and you will have nice grandchildren.

Everytime I say something she cries harder. I kept wiping away her tears and sobbing along. I held her hand tight and kept slapping her arms and telling her to look at me when she was losing it.

"I don't want you to do all these just for me. I just want you to be happy, you have a normal person's life."

"Ma I am normal and let me find my own happiness I am fine."

She looked away and said "No it is not normal!"

"I am begging you, just give girls one more try. I am begging you please just try girls. You will love girls I know in my heart you will love girls. You can't be gay. This way you can have a normal family your kids would be normal. Otherwise your kids will hate you in the future and they will be gay too. Just image how would you feel when your kids hate you."

Amazingly, even though she said so many hurtful things that night. I wasn't hurt. I was putting myself in her shoes. For her gays are out of this world. I really can understand where she came from. I am also sure that she didn't really know what she was talking about and I kept my focus and not let myself getting distracted by all these useless adversities. I needed to be focus in order to get through this.

But I really couldn't see her being hurt anymore. So I kept telling her in a soft voice "I am getting a wifey, ok? don't worry ma, everything is fine. I will try girls again. You don't have to worry about a thing." I held her close and kept saying this and rocked her back and forth.

Her hands were squeezing me to feel the reality of this surreal moment and she just cried harder and harder.

"I now regret telling you this. I took a huge gamble and I hope I won't lose. Would I lose this one Ma."

"You are my son, you will always be my son. No matter what happens I love you. But this is just too big. I can't handle it. You are killing me. My son... My love."

For a moment I felt peace. She is my baby now and I am making things ok again. I will make her happy. She will be fine.

This lasted for 4 hours until she was exhausted. We fell asleep around 4 am and I got up 2 hours later and worked for 10 hours the next day.

Coming out to my mom - 1

I think I am as in shock as she is.

The coming out was totally unplanned, unscripted, and seemed to be unnecessary at the end. Again I am so in shock that I am not sure if I should feel regret about it or not yet.

The whole thing happened because of a fight. I had a big argument with my dad again regarding some very stupid problem and then I was just angry the whole night. In addition, I am turning 24 this Friday and I have always have this conflicted feeling toward birthdays. I think it is great that you are moving on, involuntarily, but at the same time it is so incredibly sad because life isn't giving you enough time to reflect and enjoy and in my case to plan my coming out. Everyday, on the back of my mind, I somehow think about how I am living in a lie to my parents and how incredibly stupid this whole situation is. For some conservative American families, this might be a big deal since being gay is never celebrated. But for my family it is beyond just moral and psychological disorders. Because I am the only child, I have also carried on their dreams, their hopes, and their drive for better lives since I was a kid. Being gay means destroying all these establishments mentally for my mom. I am so scared to even talk about gay issues with her not mentioning telling her that her very own son is also gay.

People always say mothers always know, even they deny it, they still got it down in the back of their minds. Well some people are wrong. My mother had absolutely no freaking clue so it made my whole night even more dramatic and difficult.

Anyways. After feeling blue for a while I decided to just go to bed. Somehow my tired mind and body decided not to hit the sack. My mind went wild while I laid still on my bed. First it was just how irrational my dad has become and how great if my dad were more understanding, logical, and supportive. Not just to me but also to the whole family. I think if there is a crisis, his demeanor would just make things even more intense for my mom. Then I just felt really bad for my mom. She's given up a lot for me here in America and she really has no agenda for me whatsoever. Unlike many other Chinese parents, she never made me do a thing that I didn't want to do. I don't like to be a doctor, ok fine don't study medicine; I think being a lawyer is boring, that is ok, don't study law, etc. She has just always been very supportive and all she wanted is to make me happy and grow up as a decent person. She is a very strong woman yet extremely emotional and sometimes irrational when her emotion takes over. So at times I think she would take the news well but then I felt that she would probably go insane and just completely lose it. I really don't know what to think and what to believe. Usually my brief coming out courage would be stopped right here when I think about her emotional strength. I just really don't wish anymore hardship and pain on her side. She is getting old and I just want her to be happy too. That is all I can ask for. I hope she can live happily for another twenty years, watching me getting a family and enjoying a couple grandchildren. That is really I want for her and I am sure she isn't asking for more. The simplicity of her hopes is even more taunting for me to do any coming out attempts because I feel that I cannot even satisfy her simplest wish in her life. Al these thoughts made me feel very frustrated at myself and at the situation. So eventually I started to imagine again. I am sure a lot of gay closet kids do this too. You imagine yourself brave enough to break the news and your parents would just come over and give you a huge hug, telling you that you are still their favorite son. No matter what happens you got a family that got your back. Isn't that a nice image to have? Every time I think about this I would feel just a little bit better because I know there is still hope, things might not be as bad as I think. Also for a brief moment I believe this image. I want it so bad that I can feel it and taste it. I always have a small smile to just think about how nice it'd be if my dream is true and how fearless I would become when my family really has my back. However, tonight, this imagery is playing tricks on me, it won't leave me alone. The well accepted coming out scene is played over and over and in each subsequent replay, my mom reacted to it better.

I really started to believe that it was possible to have this happy ending. I really thought that maybe my mom really does know for a long time that maybe she just doesn't know how to break the ice. Then I made a decision. I will plan a nice dinner probably at the end of this year and just ell her then. Whatever happens then I will have to deal with it, there is no running away anymore. However, I was so caught up in this master plan that I actually felt a bit pumped up. Now there is really no way that I can sleep anymore. So I just kept on thinking. After this brief triumphant moment, I started to think about how lonely and unhappy that I feel because of this situation. The future is always this dangerous area for and the approaching birthday is like a death alarm clock that goes off the same time every year warning me I have only so little time left before I come clean. Just in a blink of an eye, I became extremely depressed again. Then I heard it, my mom coming up stairs. I didn't really want to tell her anything tonight but somehow I just really wanted my mom to be around tonight so I said
"Can't sleep, wanna just come here and sit around me for a little bit? That will be nice you know."
Never to reject a chance to spend some time with her only son, she said
"of course".

Some quick bits

Life has been pretty peaceful lately. There is really no ups and downs. I am just chilling and taking the new found peace in my life piece by piece. Don't get me wrong, I am not 65 looking for wheelchair lifestyle, but it is just kinda nice to know certain things have been settled for good. The week passed by fairly fast because of work. I feel like that each day is composed of only three stale elements of one's life -- eat, sleep, work.

Anyways,

Job

Job has been ok. Team has been going through a big restructure so that I had nothing much to do the whole week. I think I printed out about 3000 pages of financial documents so far. Yes, isn't it exciting. It is as mind blowing for me as a nice wheel for a hamster. Despite the crunch work so far, I still find the position worthwhile. My boss seems to be nice at this moment and people are definitely professional. They don't do the fake friendly chit-chat. In addition, I can wear casual outfit and shorts and sandals on Fridays. So I guess that is a bit of a compensation for my pathetic pay. I am looking forward to this week because I really want to start doing something that is intellectually challenging and worth my freaking time.


Leisure

I went to a movie on Wednesday with a friend and we saw Rush Hour 3. It was the absolutely the worst movie I have seen in a long time. I have never been a fan of racial jokes and they didn't only fully exploited the beaten to death racial jokes but also invented bunch stupid racial/political jokes that seemed to be way too ignorant and preaching for its own good. The movie took itself way too seriously at times given the overall theme was ridiculous, implausible and unoriginal. In the beginning, I just felt it was such an unwise mistake that I decided to see this movie the first 20 mins. But then I just felt utterly stupid when the stupid people around me who appeared to be genuinely enjoying it. I could actually hear the gasp from the lady next to me "ah... oh... omg ganster". Where the fuck has she been? I don't know but she probably hasn't seen many movies lately. Who gasps "omg gangsters" when they see a movie...

Chris Tucker has the most annoying voice that I have ever heard and his physical comedy isn't funny at all. If I wanted to see stupid people who act like a turkey I would go see Jack Ass 2. Jackie Chan on the other hand is just too old. I mean he is like an old Chinchilla. He could barely kick anymore. One scene in the movie where he was supposed to descend a building to the streets then jump on multiple ledges to a freeway was so pathetically choreographed that Jackie Chan looked clumsy, frightened, and laughable. Clumsy because he did the sequence very slow and the scene clearly showed his stretched to the max physical ability when you can see the veins popping up on his head. Frightened because only god knows how many takes it took, he still looked at the next place to jump without ease. You could almost hear his inner self cussing like crazy for what he would do for money. Laughable because after you see Bourne Ultimatum you just feel so sorry for Jackie Chan and his character. It is like he is doing a Scary Movie style spoof of Bourne or something like that...

I can keep going on and on about their stupid accent, racial jokes, and anti war unsubtle messages. But I think you already got the idea.



Guys

This is the guy who I messaged first then returned me telling me that his body was mine for the taking and continued to flirt a bit. However, he flaked out later for no apparent reason. All my pictures are public so he saw me before his replied. I don't know what stopped his interest. Oh wellz, another flaky hookup, story of my life eh? I think I am gonna give myself another month before I venture out to WeHo again. I still need money haha and I need to get things done before I can enjoy myself fully. I think it is absolutely necessary for me now to just go out there and find what is mine. I don't want to deal with this flaky online hookup thing anymore and I think it is time to start a functional relationship.

Shopping

After chatting up with my mom last night, she decided to buy me a decent bday gift this time. So we went shopping today. She bought me a pair of New Balance running shoes and new pair of Prada sunglasses. I really love them. The shoes and glasses can be used right away and I really wanted them for a long time so it was so nice of her to buy them for me haha. I am thinking about buying her a LV or Gucci bag when her bday comes around. Ah parents, sometimes they really get on your nerve but you just can't stop loving them.

Friends

I am having this episode once again. I think I have too many female friends. I really think the gay part of me totally took the advantage of it and exploited it. Now I become the victim of my identity. Interestingly enough I made these friends before they knew I was gay so I guess they weren't my friends because they didn't feel threatened or anything. That is a good thing for me. But then as much as I appreciate and cherish any friendship that I managed to maintain - I am very picky in the friends department because I don't easily let people in on a personal level - I still feel that more dudes would be better. Yet I find it kinda hard to find mature guys who can really be comfortable with who I am. I read the post from Urban Insanity and I was so caught up in his fantastic stories that I neglected one of the most distinguishable and intriguing part for me -- his guys friends discuss guys with him. I realized this fact after I went back to his many other stories on different occasions. He could be just one of the guys who just happens to talk about guys. I mean I would never be that brave or comfortable even my friends who claim that they are cool with me being gay. I mean none of the guy friends I know know I am gay but even if they are cool with it I don't think they would be all that interested to talk about my guy problems or be able to understand and really engage in any meaningful conversation regarding this matter. On the contrary, the girls can so I guess subconsciously know that girls would be more accepting so I made more effort with them? On the other hand, I feel a bit out of place when it comes to new guy friends. Usually I can carry on a conversation regarding whatever, but when it comes to hardcore sports statistics I am like a mute. That seems to be what they all talk about anyway. It is unoffensive, bonding, and interesting for the dudes so why wouldn't they talk about it. Because of the neutral nature of sports talk, people prefer it over political social and economical topics which I am pretty interested in. But all those could be very offensive at times or people are just apathetic about them. So I kinda avoided just chilling with the guys unless we are doing something. Sitting there and just talking isn't my thing I guess. It is so complicated...

The reason I am going through this again is because my bday is coming up. I feel obligated to do something because my friends feel that I should do something. I don't know if that makes sense. I mean they are already thinking about it before you think about it and they are more interested than you are, doesn't that make you feel like a douche? I kinda do so I am pumping up my enthusiasm and planning something simple next weekend. Then I realized how out of proportion the genders of my friends are. I mean I can easily call up 8 girls at this moment and I can only think of about 4 guys that I feel really close to. That is kinda gay and I probably come out of the closet by default... Some other people are out of town so I don't know what I should do. Limit the female guests? Then what if they find out... Ah... I wish I were more of a guy's guy. I am really not that feminine on the outside but I guess there is a lot of my emotional traits that are very sensitive and feminine. This somehow kills me to even just think about it. It is even more painful to admit it. But truth is never pretty I guess.

Workout

I am back to my gym routine now. As a matter of fact, I have been pretty fucking dedicated. On Friday night, I was so tired from work that I had to pull over off the freeway to take a nap before I continued to drive. I was 2 miles away from my gym but I was too tired to even drive that little distance at that point. Despite this little unforeseen circumstance, I still managed to go to the gym and raped myself on the weights after I woke up 50 mins later in my car.

My trainer has been promoted to Tier3 now and his regular fee is 115 dollars/hour. My gym is 110 dollars/month. So if I train 2 times a week then that is gonna be almost 600/month on gym. I don't think I got that kinda money. Good news is that my trainer is also leaving the gym. I told him that I really like the client-trainer relationship and I am accustomed to his training routine, so how many more sessions I should order from him. He thought about it and told me to just get 12 sessions more. So 12 session receives 10% discount. I guess I can handle that. So hopefully he leaves the gym soon and I will cancel this god forsaken gym as well. Then I will just pay him about 60-70 for training each time and use the gym at work for 40/month. As we progress I will get less training as we go on. I don't know it sounds like a lot of money but I paid 1.8k for 4 months worth of training and it didn't feel such a financial hassle for me. So I guess I will continue that. I hope he won't jack up the price when he goes solo later and it'd nice if he can give me discount if I order 100 sessions at a time. lol... God I could buy a fucking BMW with that money. Talking about new cars, I am thinking about a BMW... I will see how my cash flow goes lol.

Yeah I am gonna go to bed now. It's late and I am doing summer alternative hours which means I will go early everyday and leave on my regular time so that I can have Friday half day off. Isn't that great! But too bad that this week is the last week of this program for the summer =/...

Anyways ciao~~