one of my best friend left LA and moved to new york with her new boyfriend. the timing coudln't be better, he got a really high paying job, they are in love and she was laid off. So i guess there wasn't much of an option left here. I thought she was close a friend of mine but I didn't know she was worth crying for. yes I cried the night she left. I dont know what I am crying for though. the fact that she left or the fact that this signals a brand new era of my life.
It's been almost two years since I worked in this company and finally i decided to take a vacation! Ideally I think 3-4 weeks would be the best but I only got total of 3 weeks and I think my manager highly recommend me to take 2 weeks at a time. So i guess 2 is better than 0 in this case.
I went to 3 different cities in China. I really want to travel to Europe and see places that I haven't seen yet. But both my grandmas are pushing mid 80s and both of them have their fair issues of health problem. One had a stroke and now she is bed bound and cannot speak, and the other one is always afraid of dying alone without anyone knowing and constantly going to the hospital (maybe 5 times a month) to spend loads of money on medicine and services she absolutely does not need. So I guess I still have sometime in the future to visit those really ideal vacation spots and for now I will visit family and squeeze in some traveling in my home country, it can still be fun.
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Home
I missed my connecting flight. I first waited 6 hours at Seoul because my flight was delayed for 1.5 hours, and plus all the time I spent in Beijing where I was supposed to catch my flight home, I missed the flight. yeah that was pleasant....
Home is what I expected. It is very uneventful. The streets are dirty and people looked weird. It is very disappointing compared to my trip back home 2 years ago. I saw a lot of hot guys that time and many of them are over 6'2". This time, other than fugly, there was fugly. I lived at my bedbound grandma's house. She can't speak anymore and she answers everything with a No. She is lovely though. I can't help but remembering her glorious days when she was commanding the entire family.
I treated my insane grandma a lunch, it was what i expected, she had a good time but then proceeded to screaming about how she would die alone at home. She is a very strong woman; her voice is able to make some echos in a fairly small room in her home.
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Beijing
Beijing was a long trip for me. I had to stay there for about 5 days. It was dirty and extremely hot. Olympics wasn't enough to save that city.
I was living at a friend's place which was a one bedroom apartment with a small kitchen and bathroom. The heat made that room almost unbearable without a AC on and because of the moisture, the AC just makes u feel a bit sticky when it is on.
I got a heat stroke the 3rd day and I was getting pissy. I mean don't get me wrong I had fun, catching up, visiting the Sacrificial Altar of Heaven and just having fun with childhood friends. But I god damn hate this place. My friend who I was living with is getting sick too. So when I was planning to move to a hotel room on the 3rd night, my uncle who lives 3 hours of flight away called me. As soon as he knew my condition, he booked a room at the Holiday Inn and flew over to spend time with me. I mean how amazing can this guy be.
My uncle is also my mom's best sibling and he is the only one who knew I was gay. We actually had a chat about this "problem" before he flew back. He offered some "options" all in good intention I believe. One is to marry a girl and see if I can turn. Two is to marry a girl and get her pregnant and divorce her in China by doing it without hurting anyone. Isn't this just wonderful. I shot him down on both accounts and explained him about being gay. We had good conversations despite he offered those two crazy ideas. I think we felt closer. I told him about my plan of getting a surrogate and raise my children with my future husband and he thought that wouldn't be the ideal way since the children need a mom and dad. I told him he sounded like a crazy Christian lol. I think he had a better understanding of the situation. Before we parted our ways at the airport. I told him now it is his duty to make my mom feel comfortable with my plan and he has no choice but taking on the tasks. I think he kinda agreed.
Oh btw, I did go to the famous bird's nest and watercube from the olympics. It was great but I guess before of my high expectation I wasn't that impressed. But I did get a stamp collection for 120 dollars, it looks nice :p
The last highlight of my trip was a Spanish hunk...
At the well known beijing gay club called Destination (still years behind the international scene) I met with this super cute hunky Spanish guy. I wasn't talking to him initially but with a cigarette we started to talk. communication was a bit difficult since his English was kinda broken with heavy accent but we managed to grope dance and kiss with each other. Then we went to the backroom and blew each other a bit. But I guess the security wasn't too happy and we didn't finish the business lol Hwoever I will forever remember his cute face especially the look he gave when he was on his knees looking up.
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Shanghai
Shanghai is a much much better city. Because the International Trade Expo kinda thing is happening in 2010, skyscrapers are like mushrooms popping up everywhere. Since there was a hurricane landing some city nearby, the weather in Shanghai was extremely comfortable. Even when it was raining a bit it still felt soothing rather than annoying. I met up with my LA friend dodo and we lived at Renaissance Marriot hotel. It was so nice! I loved every moment at that place. The highlight at this city however, was from the traditional shopping technique in China called extreme haggling. lol. Who knew the modern transformation wasn't enough to woo me but this rather cheap way of shopping really made our day! What is also amazing is the counterfeit production of luxurious goods. From what i heard because of the Expo, the commerce department has already cracked down a lot of their operation but there was still enough production to go around.
The food was inexpensive and for the most part tasted amazing and we took a good amount of pictures everywhere. It was busy yet not overwhelming, perfect way to end my entire trip. I am definitely coming back to shanghai again in the future.
Unfortunately I didn't get to check out Shanghai's gay clubs which supposed to be 4-5 years ahead of those in beijing. Oh well there is always the next time. here are some pictures. pictures time up, deleted hehe.
Today is one of my friends' bday.
Usually, I wouldn't call a person my friend this fast. Honestly I still don't know this person that well, however he is just such a down to earth genuine guy, I have had good times hanging out with him for the short half year I have known him.
He is moving back to Shanghai in China working for an American architect company in their marketing department. Of course partially is through his ironclad Chinese government connection from his dad. But I think in his case, he deserves this great chance.
My best friend made reservation for 8 of us in Villa Sorriso in Pasadena. I had to arrive early to sign a very sweet homemade picture montage card. It had pictures taken from our surfing trips down at Malibu beach and gambling trips in Las Vegas. We also all chipped in and bought him a 600 dollars LV wallet. I was the last person to sign so the 2 foot tall card has already been filled. Also, what is so sweet is that we had all our cartoon avatars sticked to our well wishes and those cartoon avatars were illustrated by none other than our birthday boy. He sketched them with a fine sharpy on envelope paper when we were stuck in traffic on the way home from Vegas. He saw the card and said "I Shall Keep It till the Day I Die!" lol so dorky. He is definitely straight and usually wears basketball gears. But today he was wearing a nice pair of jeans, a black v-neck tshirt and pair of converse. Shorter haircut. Very crisp image and such a huge contrast. He is turning 27 and yet he always has that 18 year old smile. He is 6'3" and still acts like a big child, much like me in that sense lol. I have to say he looked pretty charming tonight.
We had great food, and wine was flowing on the dinner table. Nice conversations ensued. It was about a lot of things and yet about nothing. It wasn't some great epiphany over life or some sad farewell party. We were talking about our extremely amateur surfing techniques, about the strayed dog we rescued and how she was shaved because of entangled fur, about bitchy people we ran into during the day, about how expensive is to live in China nowadays, about how boring work is and why everyone works at places they hate yet they never move around, about which free iphone app is the most addictive and how pathetic we are talking about which iphone free app is most addictive. 4 hours passed by quickly.
I was just thinking, there we had 6 guys and 2 girls. The guys are all over 25 and one 31. If it were only the guys, most likely it'd be just dinner then drinking. Fun for sure, memorable? maybe not. it is not like they aren't partying or clubbing on a weekly basis anyways. But with the thoughtful younger girls, with a move that is a bit cheesy but definitely touching, we have a montage card that recorded memories that emerged in this very particular time of our lives. I don't know. I just felt that something special was captured. I guess I can understand how crazy yet precious that my best friend is taking hundreds of pictures of us every month and post them on facebook chronically. Ok I guess it is probably crazier than precious but precious nevertheless.
It was a great time. But it made all of us think, what would happen in 5 years, how many of us would still hang out like this, 2, 3 times a week. Are we getting old together? When life happens and we might stop talking to each other. Kinda bitter sweet.
It was outfest on Saturday. A coworker mentioned it to me so I said I wanted to go. He got me a ticket through a fellow employee that worked for the gay group at my company. The movie was great, it is called American Primitive. There was some really great acting and plots. Even though it is a bit hollywood ending but it is expected and only logical for its depth. After all it is a comedidrama kinda thing.
Then the 4 of us headed for after parties. The head of the gay group at our company had to do a bit socializing with some event organizers as well as some of his old friends of his. So his boyfriend, my coworker and I just hang around and waiting for him. We made small talks with some other people and within our own group. I was in a good mood and I really wanted to dance. About an hour later, which is already 1230am. We finally headed to Abbeys, but then we decided to go Here instead. The porn director Chi Chi Larue was spinning at the DJ booth @_@. I liked the pop and hip pop mixes and everything else just sucked. I was completely sober and it was already approaching 1:00 am. I had to get a bit buzzed fast. So I got a good shot from the go-go boys who were giving out free shots every hour and all you had to do just to tip them. Then I got a Vodka Tonic and chug it within minutes. I was feeling really good then. We danced for a while. The couple left earlier and my coworker and I just kept dancing. He didn't look like he was having fun. I was slightly annoyed because I don't like people who can't just enjoy themselves. I was dancing a lot. But 2 o clock rolled by quickly everything was shutting down. So we left.
First of all I am extremely light weight which I found it to be extremely fortunate. I save a lot of money and get buzzed quickly. I haven't drank hard liquor for probably half year, so chugging a Vodka Tonic was really a bit much. I thought I felt great in the club, I just felt it even more. I got dizzy and my head was pumping. I was really happy and talked non stop. We went to his house, and I couldn't find my car after passing it 3 times. So he said he would make some pasta and we could smoke a bit weed to relax. It sounded great. So we did all that.
I was passing out a bit on his bed. He then started saying that it'd be perfect right now if we gave each other blow jobs. I told him don't be ridiculous. It'd be so awkward. He kept talking about it and I just said it is a nono. After a while, he just cuddled me from behind and then he said "let me get on top of you". And we started making out. He said he liked my biceps, my legs and I was tall and strong. And then he started grinding on me and next thing i knew we started blowing each other. After I shot my load, I became much more aware what has just happened. I was MORTIFIED. I already felt embarrassed and awkward while he passed out there.
For one, I know he likes me from other coworkers and various weird conversation he was having with me here and there kinda confirmed that. For example, one day he asked me if I had to , who would i sleep with in the department. So I paused and thought about it. I was like hmmmm. Before I gave an answer, he said I couldn't say it was him. I was thinking to myself, wow I wasn't thinking about you at all. So I gave him a name of a guy who I thought was extremely adorable. He shrugged and said "if i am taller and bigger, I am definitely way hotter than he is". Well You ARE NOT, so there. So my coworker said he liked me and has asked me if I were equally attracted to him at all. I thought that was kinda cute. However, I don't find him attractive at all! I like tall masculine guys. I like big manly white or CHINESE guys. I normally don't find other Asians as attractive and white boys are always fun to play with. He is NONE OF THOSE. He is kinda short, 5'8"ish, extremely skinny and has really dark skin tone, since he is Filipino. I am just not attracted to that. I always drop those hints too. Like when we check out guys I always point at the big tall white guys and say hey looked that, so hot, i love tall guys, i love white boys, i love muscle etc etc.. But at that moment, it was just warm and fuzzy and I just didn't say no. I had the nerve to even keep saying "haha this is gonna be awkward". I think I was just retarded.
I am freaking out right now. I don't know how it is gonna be on Monday. Is he gonna do what he said he would do, which is to pretend nothing ever happened? I think that is the only way and I hope he does that. I would prefer if we could actually just completely forget about it. But I am very pissed because I hooked up with someone who I don't find attractive in a circumstance which still makes me feel a bit used. And I am the only one to blame that just makes it even worse. I guess this is the definition of a whore? I always wondered what a whore is. I don't consider sleeping with lots lots men makes one a whore. But now I know. Hooking up with someone who u don't find attractive makes you a whore. omfg, this really sucks. I know I was on the HIV scare thing for too long and was having a bit dry spell but I shouldn't have lowered myself to this. But I guess there was no hardcore sex and the guy he hooked up with before (ran into one in west hollywood earlier in the night) was extremely hot make the situation a bit better? ARRGGGG cries...
What!
IT is about Michael Jackson.
He is pondering how and why upon death, a tragic and pathetic way of dying - possible drug overdose, he suddenly was hailed as a hero. The African American community latched on, hailed him on a stature equivalent to a modern civil movement leader.
All I feel for Michael, at least if I were him, would be anger. Where were these mother fuckers when he was in some deep shit. The media practically used him as an easy joke. It is funny that someone achieved so much and yet suffered as much. The mass public likes to see some sort of "justice" over successful people.
The mentality of
"Oh yeah you are rich, famous, powerful and talent alright, but look! you have weird peter pan syndrome and an obsession of plastic surgeries, yes there is god, don't be too happy because you aint better than me. " I think it is absolutely sickening. I wondered where Al Sharpton was when the civil movement hero was in deep trouble. Oh yeah he was actually there, and defending Michael yet again on racial basis. I wonder why didn't have the balls and courage to hail him as the civil rights entertainer and argue the child molestation based on Michael's own abused childhood. Where was the compassion then? Instead he was like reading off a TelePrompTer saying Michael is targeted because he was famous and black. This country needs dialogue and humanity on a daily basis. Not just when tragedy struck.
Bill O Reily's ponder has a basis though I am sure he and I have drastically different conclusions of this situation but he does have that basis. I don't get it either, why don't we cherish something that is valuable or someone who you really do care as much as you claim when the object is still in existence and that person is still alive. Why do we always pay tribute to the dead much much more than the respect the living who deserves. Why is it so backward?
and the computer will write for me. I miss blogging sometimes, it is cathartic and I would like to document how I feel at certain stage. But I dont know I guess I am just so lazy that if I were a species 100 million years ago on earth I would have been the first one to get wiped out by others. I guess I will try slowly but surely get back to this I think I need to.
Part of the reason I stopped a while back is because I was kinda down for a while. I had another 2 HIV scare due to stupid sexual encounters that were just beyond my own comprehension. It was stressful and depressing to go through it once in life and I found it rather disturbing and depressing to rewrite that here once again. In that case the sharing does not relieve anything, instead it only increases the pain. I guess I am in a better place now.
I just read a post from Debriefing the Boys and found he had an HIV scare too which is a bit more scarier than mine since his encounter tested positive. Oi... the humanity. At least during that scare, he was still able to have awesome weekends by his measure. But for me, it was just gray all day everyday. The fact that I did it back to back after testing negative the first time was just so self destructive.
Anyways...
I pulled 4 wisdom teeth out 2 weeks ago. I was on Vicodin most of the time in the beginning so I thought I was a good healer. God only I knew... Once I was off the painkillers, I had trouble sleeping, and the teeth were so painful that I have been having bad headaches all day everyday for an entire week.
In that state I still helped a friend to move on the weekend in Hollywood. To rewind, we smoked a bit weed after we were all done, and I guess all the antibiotic and painkillers combined with weed were just bad idea. It was as if I had an acid trip. I am so so tired of the pain! Had a check up today and the doctor could not be less brief. He shoved some painkiller medicine in my wound and told me to come back in 5 days and he will take those out. As soon as he finished the instruction he was ready to go on to the next patient. I know his business is super good and all but he made it so obvious that he had bigger tooth to fry in other rooms! So I started to ramble,
"it hurts a lot, i have a headache everyday, is it infected? I think my nerve is exposed because everytime i drink something cold, a jolt of pain just shoots down my spine. do i need more meds? which med should I get, i heard vicodin damages your liver."
I guess my machine gun style of questioning dind't help the case at all since he just said, yes yes, no, probably, it is normal, if you want meds i can give you some, what do u need, do you need both, ok here, go get some more vicodin...
I guess that is great if I were addicted to Rx drugs, but I just wanted some professional attention...
Tomorrow is my mom's bday, got her a coach watch and she liked it a lot. It'd be perfect if she didn't just ask me to try girls again 2 weeks ago. sigh back to ground 0 in this battle...
anyone else is playing it? I am so addicted to it as for now. I am on playstation 3 console and I have 2.8k bp @_@... I know it is so low and I am stuck on this level XD...
There are several reasons for stopping this blog thing. But I changed to twitter now. I think this way I can keep recording my thoughts whatnot but in real time which is what blogs lack of. Anyways, hope yall have twitter now since the ancient republican congressmen all got it already too!
I am Bughamster on twitter. see you there.
For a lot of people, this is probably a very normal fuck clip. But for me, the bottom is sooo smoking hot. He makes me wanna fuck and at the same time just be fucked thoroughly like him in the clip. I want to be strong and fit like him, and yet completely succumb to a good fuck and moan like a little girl. I don't know, he just does it for me. Look at that body, do you know how much workout is needed to sculpt a lower back and a thigh like that. I can just look at him getting shafted all day long, it is so mesmerizing.
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On the another note, I just finished my vacation in Mammoth snowboarding. I also took a little detour to San Jose, and lived at my friend's family's place for 2 nights. It was so quiet and nice, a true vacation for me. I got a little bit pictures, wish I had more but none of us were particularly into carrying a giant camera around lol. Ooo my friend's boss is this 44 year old german architect, sooooo freaking hot. Anyways, I will write them up soon. Enjoy the fucking hot bottom's fuck video clips below first.
Ciao
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Clip 1
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Clip 2
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I have been really lazy about blogging even though I constantly think that a lot of stuff is blog worthy.
First I just want to say, Iphone update SUCKS big time. I understand it is a delicate piece of equipment so the software is probably complicated when it comes down to firmware upgrades. But over 1 hour backup? I think I can probably back up a stupid PC with that much time and yet I am only backing up a stupid phone. Is it an oversight or apple was just completely oblivious about it since they know that we are all their bitches now.
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I went to XIV restaurant in West Hollywood 2 weeks ago treating a friend for her bday. It was such a nice experience. The restaurant was incredibly unique and I love the tasting portion of every dish. I got extremely stuffed before I even finished my 14 dishes meal. The crowd was MUCH better than some other supposedly high end restaurants. There was a lot of professionals and it definitely felt more upscale. Overall the food was still the most impressive part of it all. I highly recommend!
But the highlight of the night was our waiter. (rishi, I know he is a waiter... I mean not everyone like you who only dates lawyers and above)...His name was J and he was sooo very cute and friendly. My friend and I kept talking about him throughout our conversation. Of course, we started to talk to him more and more as well. Conversation went from what was in my dish to how much he works and how well he knows the surrounding area etc... I kinda had a crush.
So my friend said I should get his number. I was like, are you kidding, just getting a number from a waiter because I think he is cute, that is so cliche and outdated. He will definitely think that it is extremely lame. Then my friend said, omg if you keep being this chicken and passive, then prepare to jerk off till you die. Ok she wasn't that mean, she said something along the "die alone" line which wasn't nice either. Then she said, you know what, I will just get it for you, you are so annoying when you are this shy. I was like omg don't do it, what if he was just being nice and not interested at all, that would be so embarrassing. Then she said so what? Then fuck him. Well i have to give her props. She is always going after things that she desires and has never been apologetic about it either. Sometimes, I think it is just a bit too much because she would do it at anyone's expense. But sometimes I wish I could live like her.
So I have decided that I would just do it as a subplot of our already great evening.
When he came around again, I asked him something that I do not recall anymore; apparently it was just a filler before my request. Then I said oh can I have your business card so next time when we come we can sit at your table again.
He said, oh... actually I am leaving XIV soon, because he has decided going to Katsuya which is owned by the same group. I was a bit disappointed at that moment thinking oh well whatever. So I kept the conversation going a little bit about his departure. Toward the end, he said, you know what, let me give you my card, so you can find me next time. Then he handed his personal card to me, which included his name, personal phone number and address.
I was very surprised by it and was definitely happy about this turn of event.
After I went home I texted him saying "Oh I forgot to introduce myself, my name is ... and thank you for the great experiences."
He texted me back about 3 hours later saying "My pleasure, it was nice meeting you, and hopefully I will see you soon again :p"
At this point, I think he might be interested or just being really nice. I wasn't sure.
Second day, I found him on facebook. I know it is a bit stalkerish, but it was my friend's idea and I was just too weak for the temptation. I found him and his profile was public as well. I saw some more pictures of his and he was really charming in all of them. Then I found out that he is also the same age as I am, a little bit older which is perfect as well.
As I was adding him, I noticed that he already celebrated his last day @ XIV and was ready to move on. So I sent him a message on facebook saying that I was surprised he left so soon. He then messaged back saying that it was sad it was sooner than later but he is enjoying his free time right now. And I know where I can find him and he hopes it'd be soon ;P.
At this point, I am fairly sure that he is interested, and I was totally excited about it.
But given the lack of experience of dating first then fucking, I sent him a message saying that I too would like to see him soon. This particular message got slaughtered by all my coworkers. They thought I made myself way too available and what I should have done was to keep the mystery.
I guess I do have an IQ of a snail when it comes to dating. But why play the dating game if you like each other? Why not just a date and see what kind of chemistry happens then. My coworkers told me to wait at least 3 days (yeap the stupid 3 days rule) and do not talk to him at all. I had to defer my opinion on this since they are all freaking married. So I waited for two days and thought this was stupid. So on the second night, feeling good about the whole day and everything, had the courage to just text him. Trying to appear to be kinda care free but interested, I stupidly said "hey, are you still up?" ... omg I am such snail. Why didn't I just say how is your day, what are you doing etc etc like a normal human being...
Two days passed and I haven't got a reply and I was completely devastated. I know, I am a very fragile being. I got quite depressed. I felt stupid that I read so much into it when he was just being nice. He probably wanted to keep a potential long term dinner client and possibly makes a friend and all of suddenly I am all up in arms about to eat him. There is a lot of other things happening during that 3 days and I was just in this very bad mood everyday. For example, checking out some other gay people's facebook who I used to talk, and realized that they are all doing much better in this land of gays in terms of social lives than I do despite the fact that they all came out later. What does it take? Do I HAVE to live in West Hollywood like them to really get into it? I really don't think it is the case but I don't know. I was so frustrated. It was pretty miserable. By the 3rd day there was no reply to my stupid text message. I was ready to give up.
I mean I already was getting over it somewhat. I mean we met for 2 hours that was it... I would be stupid to make myself inside out just by this brief encounter. However, being so dissatisfied with this outcome, I wasn't just ready to let it end like this. He is very cute after all. Making a friend wouldn't be bad. I need some gays to party with too.
So I retreated to facebook. I send him another message. This time just being a normal human being asked him, hi how are you doing lately, have you started working yet? Hope all is well.
2 days passed no reply and I was pretty over it.
Went out clubbing on Saturday with straight friends and chain smoked the whole night. Got home @ 4 am and played video game till 730am. Waking up feeling refreshed and I wasn't that depressed anymore.
Checking facebook, there was the message from him, "Hey how are you? yeah I have just started @ ____ and I really like it. Ready for your holidays?"
I haven't replied him yet. I dont know what to say. I am already over it kinda. But I guess being in this phase, I would sound much more normal, you know, instead of being a 14 year old little girl who just saw prince charming or something. But at least one thing I know, he just wants to be a friend, which is ok, but in that case, the whole thing is kinda dispensable at this point now.
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Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.
Wow, what a night. In my 10 years of American journey, I have yet called 911 for anything. Well I popped my 911 cherry Friday night.
There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now. I knew him back at school. We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much. Small world, he landed a job in my department. We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese.
This is beyond upsetting. I am actually stunned and confused as the bluest state California, with such a gay friendly environment and a large gay population, has passed this heinous bill. To add to the injury, gay rights related bills all suffered defeats throughout this country this Nov. 4th when we have broken all barriers to elect a minority President. This is an incredible defeat and has forged great obstacles that may take generations to overcome.
I could understand why the bigots are fanatic about this issue since their morality has been tainted by organized religion. But what I cannot understand is those who are not as religious voted for it or simply didn't vote. I am always amazed by how damaging early religious education can be. I have talked to so many people who are not religious yet they just think gay marriage is not right. When confronted, not only they cannot provide an answer that would satisfy their own conscious, but they also feebly try to avoid saying that because they were taught so by the very religion that they now despite. It is this kind of hypocricy and selective memories that I believe the gay rights movement should target as well. Is American as a people much more religiously rooted than we thought or is it a manifestation that religion activity has penetrated this country politics like never before. The Yes on Prop 8 people loved the turn out for Barack Obama because older black households are even more conservative which helped with their cause. It is incredibly sad to see this considering the history.
I am empathetic to those who have worked long and hard for this measure and other gay issues in general. But it is beyond my comprehension how frustrating and despairing it is for them. It is like after 8 years of Bush, we elect Rudy Guilliani for Presidency.
I like how Towleroad.com has cunningly pointed out that our beloved state, California has denied human rights to marry but passed the bills for farm animals to move around. See humans are always cruel toward each other. It sounds cynical but I think it is a genetic makeup in human to make sure that humans check its own population.
On the other hand, if anything, this election cycle has shown us that as long as there is hope, there will be change. I cannot help but to think about Harvey Milk and Barack Obama and just to remind myself we cannot give up because those who permeate prejudice and bigotry in our society have not given up.
It is frustrating nevertheless... I guess we have to keep fight and just wait. The battle would be somewhat easier once all these bigots from the baby boomer ages just DIE from their natural causes or accidents. It is a bit more comforting to know that when they do die, and with their last sliver of consciousness, they will suddenly realize that there is nothing beyond death. I guess nature would have the last laugh.
Quote from the notorious Margrette Cho,
"I wish Jesus can come back and just tell them, 'that is not what I meant!' "
I can't sleep again. It is 1130pm and my flight back to LA is at 6:00am.
I couldn't recall the logic of choosing such bad traveling schedule and now I feel particularly bad since S and his dad have decided to drive me to the airport. I would actually prefer to take a cab since I personally would hate it if I had to wake up @ 4am in the morning to send someone to the airport, even though it is only 20 minutes away. I guess everything in life deserves a bit more consideration then it's be less likely you may regret down the road.
Alegria was fun but I got burned out. Like I said in my last post, I only slept 2 hours after 8 hours of all night partying, so that tiny bit amount energy saved up could only last so long.
We got ready around 11:30pm because S's friend B said he could take us to a hotel to meet up his friends from Chicago first then we could all head out to the party together. However, while we were outside waiting, S got a call from B and was told that B has passed the exit by 10 miles. S said B had a lot of things on his mind so he was probably distracted. Since we were all ready, you know, dressed up, hair done, etc... we couldn't just go back home and sit there till 2 am, so S decided to visit his friend in the city first then we three can go to the party together. We did some chest workout till the cab arrived.
10 mins later we arrived at his friend H's place. H is a Japanese American who does his own furniture design business. He lives in this tiny studio which is worth a 3000 sq. ft. condo in a decent LA neighborhood. H is very calm and easy to talk to. I felt at ease chilling at his place. He was overwhelmed by one of his projects but was determined to finish it. So we waited till 2am and then headed to the party altogether. Meanwhile, I watched Law and Order and S was texting.
At this point, I already felt that my energy started to slowly slip away. But I was really excited to check out this party so I didn't care.
The venue was smaller and a little bit less crowded. Overall the party was pretty much exactly the same as the night before, and I have even saw some of the exact same people from the night before as well. Age group also didn't really change much. Actually I think I saw more older men there than Salem party. I don't know if it is because I have seen too much muscle so that I have become less aware of them, I also felt there were less muscular guys tonight as well. I started to dance with S and friends and later walked around here and there.
I don't know... it was still a thrill and rush to be there but I felt less engaged and there was no substance around to consume so I felt more sober than ever. The blaring music and trembling bass weren't enough to keep me going for that long...
Around 6 o'clock I was dead. As a matter of fact, I was so tired that I think I fell asleep with my eyes open. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar. You know when your brain is still conscious of movement but your cognitive function is already in a slumber.
S's friend B is completely wasted on drugs with his Chicago friends for hours and one of the guys in B's group has semi- OD'ed on something.
I have never felt completely at ease around B. I don't think he liked me for some reason. There was no chemistry for interaction or conversation whatsoever. Our greeting has always been as brief as a hi and bye. I told S about it just for the curiosity of it. But S said B has a lot of on his mind lately and that is why he wasn't making any effort. But still as you all know from your own experience, when you are around someone that you just don't get the good vibe, you are just generally more tense and annoyed.
So basically, I just stood upstairs staring down at the crowd after 6am. It was more of a people watching experience then. I couldn't take my eyes off one of the super tall and muscular guys downstairs. Every inch of the muscle fiber on him was so vibrant and robust that they seemed to be separate entities attached to his body. He couldn't stop moving, I mean why would he, it took years to build that marvel, he's got to show it to the world. He was making all these poses, consciously or subconsciously but every pose was beautiful and he looked powerful and masculine from every angle. For me, this is a big part of what being gay is about. It is the attraction and submission to that masculine superiority of physical form and symbolism of power associated with it. I thought to myself, how come I didn't notice him downstairs. He moved and moved and suddenly he looked up and I saw his face. I of course have noticed him downstairs, I thought he was really aged. To be fair I think he is probably in his late 30s or early 40s, which is not really old by all accounts in today's society for a man. I think they are usually really sexy. But for some reason, it is either the light or the drugs or simply late night physical strain, some of them, people in their late 30s and early 40s just look so old. They look so alert, so energized and yet so tired. It is an odd facial expression. It has a bit of that deers in the headlight feeling to it.
I didn't see too many people that are smoking hot. There were about 3-4 that were really memorable and of course I didn't get to dance or talk to any of them. I feel that people who I found extremely attractive are usually out of my league and the rest I just ignore. That is my verdict to the crowd and I don't know what that says about me.
At that point I just wanted to sleep. I think the hardest hour was from 8am to 840am. That 40 minutes felt like forever. I felt bad to pressure S to leave because he wasn't too tired and wanted to keep dancing. i don't think B wanted to leave either. In retrospective, I should have just take a cab. But then I think that would be rude to S too. But eventually, we walked out the club @ 9 am and I felt like a zombie under sunlight. I brought my sunglasses this time because the sunlight was so blinding yesterday when I walked out Salem party. However, I think it rained before we walked out, so there was no sun and it was a bit wet and cold, quite a somber scene. I soon fell asleep in the car...
I heard S say " he didn't sleep and he is tired. " My mind raced back to reality. Who didn't sleep, who is tired, that sounds like me, then I woke up and the car has parked in front of S's house already.
Showered, changed, and passed out for 8 hours. Then woke to eat and watched some TV. It now feels like a complete vacation.
Now it is 1230am and I will have to get up in 3 and half hours. Maybe I will just pull another all nighter then hehe.
Back to LA soon.
I am at a friend's house in NY right now. It is 5:30pm and I have slept for about 2 and half hours since I came back here from my first circuit party @ 1pm. It was sponsored by Saint at Large and the name of the party was Salem. My friend S told me that this party tailors to a somewhat older crowd so I should expect to see some older guys and some muscle bears etc. It turned out to be exactly that but it wasn't overwhelming, many many hot guys to spare, though there were people who I thought were too old to be in a party like this. However, I guess that is the beauty of it, it is ageless, non-judgemental, and anything goes kinda fun times. Right now I am not really feeling tired. But my body knows better... I think I really should sleep more but I just can't.
I didn't know what to expect in a circuit party. Party as such has a lot of crazy rep. Not necessarily bad, though that also depends on how you define what is good and bad. I don't listen to House music and I am not keen on drugs, so I don't know if the this combination is fused as always in circuit parties or if I could just somehow enjoy the experience without taking substance.
Well, it just somehow worked out. I loved the music and I also took Ecstasy. Neither was overwhelming. It was probably louder than all the clubs I have been to, but very manageable and everyone was just dancing so it forged such a strong and welcoming environment that it was almost impossible that you don't enjoy it.
My friend and the host of my trip, S is someone who sincerely loves the music. He lives through the scene, engaged but not consumed. So the whole night he was dancing and checking out the guys but didn't really engage in any hook up activities. I wasn't sure if it was because the guys weren't his type, or because of my presence that he didn't feel like to leave me alone. His friend B started rolling on substances soon after we got there, and later I found out that he met a lot of his guys from the past in the party and it was a game of dodging and engaging for him the whole night. And then there was this really energetic Peruvian guy named A and he was a friend of S. He was really friendly. I danced with him quite a bit. Sometimes all over the places and sometimes quite up close body to body. It was all good fun, nothing too sexual. I like tall guys, and if he were 6'1" and above I wouldn't mind hooking up with him, but I think he is around 5'7", quite a difference. I enjoyed his company nevertheless. There was also this twinky white guy who I talked to in the bathroom. He wasn't a muscle god like half of the people there, but he was toned and lean and his buzzed army style haircut on top of that twink built was pretty attractive. We talked for a little bit and his hands were really friendly. He also tried to get in the stall while I was peeing. I am pretty sure it wasn't for hardcore sex haha. But it would be hot and I wouldn't mind. I later ran into him several times, and he would always grab me and say hi. I was pretty into the whole scene, partially because of the environment, partially because of the nakedness, and partially because of the Ecstasy I took 2 hours prior. I was really engaged and kinda horny. I really wanted to do something with him, but whenever he approaches, I really wouldn't know how to let that out lol.. I don't know, I didn't want to sound desperate or anything. When he grabbed my lower waist and gently massaged it and said he was looking for entertainment, I really didn't know if he wanted a warm body or more Ecstasy. I saw him one last time around 10 am'ish. The ecstasy helped but I barely felt it, maybe I should increase the dosage tonight lol. Dropping the pills wasn't as dramatic as one might imagine it to be. It was quite casual and pretty just that, recreational. Since I am on a trip, I would want to try it all.
This party gave me a sense of urgency to work out more lol... Let me just say that the whole place felt like a meat market the whole time. Lots lots prime ribs with definitions that would take years to forge. It is so fucking hot to see a muscle god dances his mind off. However, on the other hand, I also saw this very skinny and saggy old man who is probably in his late 50s or early 60s with a nothing on but a mask and a jock strap on. He just walked around and around aimlessly. S and I both noticed him when we were resting on a bench. S just shrugged off. But I just couldn't stop thinking what he was looking for? Trying to get really lucky or just a stubborn old scene queen that has already died inside and left this walking outer shell in this place to reflect upon his formal glorious self? I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. But what do I know, maybe he is a happy man and he just wants to have fun god damn it. I guess no matter what it is, the drug, the hot hookups, the music, people just want to have fun. I like this, and I like it a lot. I can feel the pulse of a city strong and alive. The city was a living being at that moment. I think I can get used to this in the future, and hopefully I will be able to come back here for more fun in the near future.
It felt a bit surreal when I came out of the club, the sun was bright in the sky and people were already well on their ways to live their weekends. You see families taking their kids to brunch, people running to Sunday school, and people who are just running around in the city. I suddenly felt as if reality dissolved and time has stopped and gone to another dimension for the past 8 hours and now I just came back again. S said that he can always hear the music in his head after partying. I can't physically hear that inner sound but my mind kept repeating that beat and I love it.
Back to the house, after an extremely satisfying hot shower, I was in bed ready to sleep. S and his sister were in the room for a bit chitchat. S said tomorrow would my last day of gay events and I should really hook up.
I don't know. I really want to have a crazy sexual experience like an orgy or something, but then I don't want to hook up. Because if I go to a party with the presumption of getting laid, then that would be the only thing on my mind, and if I don't get what I want, it is always a let down. I would rather to let it happen naturally. I lack of some self confidence and at the same time have a lot of pride, so I wouldn't want to approach someone so boldly because I am afraid to get rejected in the face. I know it is silly since I would never see any of these people again, but still I wouldn't want to apply that pressure on myself. Like this older gay who told me that flirting is a sport and you have to practice to get good at it. I guess I need to learn to how deal with pain first... maybe the best way is to get hurt ha.
Anyways, I am going to another circuit party called "Alegria" tonight. It means happiness in Spanish according to S. I am really excited and I think it would be another night of fun times. Oh yeah supposedly that this party is tailored to a younger crowd. We will find out then!
Ciao for now.
If you live in California, then you would probably know by now that Proposition 8 is going to be voted in November and many anti-gay rights religious conservatives have raised 16 million dollars to make sure that this Proposition 8 will pass. Then the California Supreme Court ruling over gay marriage will be overturned and cannot be challenged in the court again.
